Our as Yet Untitled Story part 6

(Red's Bit) As LC and Molko were busy being normal, ie: not shagging thier bits off, Red was in her livingroom/bedroom. And she was freaking out:

"Too much anguish!! Too much grief and destructive energy! I must do something! Where's the shovel?" Meanwhile, Kali was feeling thirsty from not having sex, so she decided to go downstairs for a drink. As she was coming down the stairs, she saw that the front door was open. She decided to investigate.

Kali could see someone digging furiously by the front door. She expected it to be a mad dog or a crazy fan taking soil samples, but what did she find? Red, with a shovel, frantically digging. "Dude" said Kali, "What the FUCK are you doing?" asked Kali of Red, who was appropriatly dressed for the task in a sarong. "I have to stop the negative energies! They're going to kill us all" squabled Red. "Alrighty, I'll leave you to it then" said Kali.

"No, don't leave yet, I'm going to need someone to help me put the fountain into the pond over there". said Red

Kali looked over, and sure enough, there was now a pond in the middle of the lawn, which was not there when they came home. Or was it?

"Red, just tell me what's bothering you. I'm sure they have shrinks in England that can help you, they're not just restricted to Americans" said Kali soothingly.

Red suddenly looked rather intelligent (as she occassionally did) and calmly replied "I'm not mad, you think I'm mad becasue you do not see this as the actions of a sane and raitonal person. But if you can understand where I'm coming from, all will become clear. We live across the road from a police station correct?" asked Red.

"Correct" said Kali.

"Well, police stations are places of anguish and pain and evil and all of these energies are really powerful and cannot be contained within one building, so they go to the most direct building, across the road, and that would be us, correct?" "Correct" answered Kali.

"So to help prevent these bad energies from entering our house and reeking havoc on the occupants, which would be us, correct?"

"Correct" answered Kali

"Oh, good, just making sure. So to help prevent this, you have to plant plants by the front door and place a fountain between the door of the station and our door." 'explained' Red.

"Right, so where do the enrgies go now?" asked Kali

"Oh, they go next door, but don't worry, they deserve it. In a past life, they kicked dogs." answered Red.

At this stage Kali became frightened and realised that if Red lost it completely, there was no one else there to help her. So she decided to get that drink, but a stronger one. Red continued her 'gardening'. She then realised that perhaps dope plants aren't the best thing to plant by the front door, especialy across the road from a cop shop.

(LC's bit) LC pouted at the camera.

"Beautiful darling, flirt with the camera, flirt with it baby!" Said the ultra sleazy photographer.

The rest of the group sat on a couch and watched LC made a dick of herself. Jess rubbed her shoulder.

"God Red. You're such a nutjob." She muttered.

"Yeah," Gaby agreed as she gently patted her head, checking for swelling.

"Oh look, just cos you guys can't see where you're going." Red quipped.

"Er, excuse me madame." Kali said, kicking Red with her good foot (the bandaged one just lay there) "Just cos you whack a fountain by our front door without giving warning doesn't mean you can blame us for being blind and smacking into it. It's your fault."

"Yeah, I mean, all of a sudden -bosh- and there I am on the ground staring at this fountain." Gaby told Red.

"You guys are just idiots. Anyway, i think it's my turn now." Red ambled up to the photography area as LC stepped out from behind the table laden with fruit and other such things to hide her broken leg.

"... you and your bloody fountain." She sneered at Red as she sat down.

For the rest of the day, photo's were taken of the band for promotional use and album sleeves. When all was done, the group gathered around the polaroids and decided which snazzy shot they fancied the most. Kali looked at a shot of her holding a banana in a way she shouldn't have been. She snuck the photo in her pocket to give to Liam later on. Red giggled at a shot of the group threatening to have a food fight after Red bumped Kali's foot which caused her to whack into LC's broken leg which caused Jess's shoulder to connect with Gaby's head as Gaby fell over. And of course there were the usual boring shots... Kali trying to look intellectual, Jess trying to look like a bimbo, Gaby sneering at the camera with a bottle of vodka, LC screaming into her stick of eyeliner and Red with her hand down her top.

"What should we have on the album cover?" Kali mused as the group rode home in a taxi.

"I dunno.... how about... something interesting?" LC suggested.

Gaby nodded. "Yeah. I want something interesting too. We need something that's 'us'."

"Underwear!" Kali piped up.

"Oh yeah. Underwear. Nice one Kali." Jess nodded sarcastically. "I'm seeing... computer's and British flags and paisley."

"Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...." Red sighed. "Paisley."

"Well, why don't we have a picture of a pink paisley guitar next to a bottle of tequila, covered in glitter, a pair of cargo's draped over the fret board or summat, a crumpled picture of Ricky Martin and 'RukaLand' written on the wall behind it in eyeliner? Cos that's everyone sorted." Suggested LC, ever the one for ideas.

Everyone sat there and nodded in shock. Wow, a good idea. Well, Lc was happy with it at least. Therefore, it'd have to do.

(Kali's bit) "Wow LC, what a good idea!" Kali shrieked, checking her foot bandage.

Everyone got out of the taxi & walked inside, spitting in Red's bloody fountain as they filed past. "Red, if you have to have that fucking thing out there I get to put chinese goldfish in it." Kali announced as she limped up the stairs to give the banana picture to Liam. An hour or so later after a few shaggings, bickerings, and the assorted other daily happenings of the group, everyone met up in the kitchen & realised the horrible fact that they indeed had no food seeing as they had left Molko, Liam, Stef, Steve, & Robbie in the house all day by themselves. LC began to whine that the sex wasn't as good with her broken leg while Red searched through the cabinet & produced nothing but a meager helping of beans. "That's it, we're going out" Jess announced, gesturing for everyone to go upstairs & get ready.

"But where will we go?" Gaby asked.

"You leave that to me. Now get upstairs. AND DRESS CLASSY - LIKE!" LC screamed, suddenly not having a broken leg & flying up the stairs.

Jess stood in the kitchen looking panicked & wishing she hadn't suggested they go out. She was thinking more along the lines of fast food or take-away, not the Ritz...

"Im ready!" Kali said, bounding down the stairs to unveil her dreamy Versace dress. Oh yes, she'd been magically cured too. 'cos Red was actually right, the negative energy from the cop shop was now flowing into the neighbours' flat & so the good vibes healed everyone's injuries. Good vibes & a bit of her hash stash, of course. Liam stuck the banana photo in his jacket pocket & walked into Red's "room" to watch the footie stats. Kali stood behind him & massaged his shoulders while Red made various gagging noises as she checked her outfit in the mirror. LC waltzed into the room & began laughing at Kali.

"Dude, you are SUCH a wife." she shrieked. "Anyway, whaddya think?" LC twirled around to show off her absolutely gorgeous designer ensemble.

"Fuck you & bravo LC, looks nice" Kali said, checking the shoes. Molko came down & stood looking quite out of place in his little black classy outfit. "She picked it out." Molko said, pointing at LC when Kali raised her eyebrows at him.

Jess walked down wearing jazzed up cargos & no, not a t-shirt - she'd gone through Kali & LC's closets & picked out a top half. Gaby & Robbie wandered down holding hands & looking a little dishevelled but at least well dressed.

"Well?" Kali asked, looking around at everyone. "Shall we go? Oh wait, where's Steve & Stef?"

Everyone looked at each other & shrugged. Steve & Stef came downstairs a minute later.

"Sorry about that guys, we got our outfits mixed up...anyway, are we going now?" Steve explained.

"The limo is waiting!" LC yelled, dashing outside & taking great care to avoid the damn fountain. (LC's bit) "Like, how bizzarre is this?" LC said, looking around the Limo.

"Wot?" Kali asked. "Yer never been in a fookin' limo before? Yer just scum mate. Yer not classy enough then. I'm well classy, like. I been in these fings before."

"No Kali, I mean, there's 10 ppl here. Us five, them three, your one and Gaby's one. Yet we all fit. Hmmm..."

Someone's mobile began ringing. Molko, Red, and Steve dived for their phones. Red grinned.

"Ha ha! It's mine! I'm more popular than you guys! I have a friend. Let me just see which one it is..." She took the call. "No. No sorry. Oh yeah that's fine. Bye."

"Which friend was it then?" Jess inquired.

"It was yknow.... yknow..." But no one did. "It was a wrong number." Red mumbled.

LC hid her grin.

"Why don't we get mobiles?" Gaby asked.

"Cos." LC said. "We just don't. They give you brain cancer and stuff. And I just can't see us as ppl chatting away on them all day- can you? We aren't suited for them. End of story."

The limo pulled up to the Ritz. The gang bundled out. Jess dragged herself behind. She prayed this meant she wouldn't have to be sociable. Maybe she could sit in the corner. Luckily for her, everyone sat at different tables. Well, Kali and Liam sat in the corner, LC and Molko at a table near them, and the rest at one big table.

"What's with the crappy seating arrangement?" Red blared out.

A waiter strolled up to them. "Oui madame, it is because of government fundings or something that we aren't allowed big tables."

"Ah, go 'oui madame' yourself. Just give us the alcohol." Red brushed him away.

"Good thinking Red." Gaby nodded just as the waiter came back with a mini bar which he plonked next to the table.

Kali batted her eyelids at her Liam. "Hey my little Welsh boy, check it out, we're all alone. Well, except for them just there." She pointed to Molko and LC who were looking affectionately at each other. "And them just there." She pointed at the table where everyone else appeared to be getting chatty, except for Jess who looked bored.

"Don't worry Kali-Baby. Since when has being in public stopped us before?" Liam flashed a cheeky grin and went back to studying his menu. "Er, Kali, I can't even pronounce some of this stuff."

"Don't worry. I'll use my wonderful New Jersey culture to help you with the tricky words. Poor little Welsh boy." Kali patted his arm.

LC stared at her menu. "Briiiiaaaaaannnnn." She whinged. "I don't like any of this stuff." Molko looked up. "What the hell did you just call me?"

"Er... Brian?" LC cringed, waiting for some form of abuse.

"Alright! You called me by my name! That's incredible, I didn't think you....."

"I what? You didn't think i what?" LC asked.

Molko looked down. "I didn't think you knew what it was."

LC opened her mouth to yell at Molko's stupidity, lack of trust and faith, poor judgement on LC's wisdom and various other things- when the waiter showed up.

"Bonjour madame and.... " He looked at Molko. Molko batted his silver eyelids, testing the waiter. "And er... partner. My name is Jean and I will be your waiter for tonight. Would you like anything to drink perhaps?"

"Yes. I think i might." Molko told the French waiter dude. "I'll have um.... some champagne. You decide which one's the best."

"Oui, and for the lovely lady?"

LC shrugged. "Whatever. I'll have the same." And the waiter trotted off. Jess had almost won her fourth round in a staring competition between her and Steve. Steve was letting her win cos he was too nice. Stef was keeping score. Some commotion coming from red caused Jess to snap out of her trance. Red was testing some expensive wine. She stared at the glass, twirled it around a bit, tapped the side and hummed along to the dinging noise it made. She ran her fingers around the rim and nodded.

"Yes, yes this is a very nice wine glass. Now for the wine if you don't mind." A waiter poured some wine for her and buggered off.

Red swirled the wine around a bit and dripped some onto the table. "Oh look, it's a nice colour." She said staring at the stain. She continued to sniff the wine, test the pH level, mix some with some perfume- just to see what would happen, set some alight, mutter an ancient indian chant into it and actually taste some. Everyone waited expectantly. Red spat the wine back in the glass and exclaimed "Oh my GOD! That's the most horrible, distgusting, terrible, uncomfortable wine glass I've come across. I was wrong the first time." She grabbed the bottle and swigged from there.

LC looked at Liam who was stuttering over the menu.

"Oh Molky what am I going to do- I don't like any of this food and we're gonna be served next."

"Don't worry." Molko reassured her. "I'll order some stuff. You don't have to eat."

LC nodded. Then she saw a toddler a few tables away eating yummy stuff like fish and chips. It's mother was cutting it up for him. (Why a toddler would be at the Ritz with it's mother I don't know)(but why not?) LC went all cutesy as she does around kids. "Oh look Molko, look- it's a little baby. A little person. Oh look how cute he is. His blonde hair and all. I'm gonna say hi. I love babies- you wanna come? No? Ok, I'm gonna go and talk to him. Oh he's so sweet." She got up and went over to the kid. "Hi!" She smiled. The mother smiled in that way that mother's do when they're all proud and showing off their kid. "What's his name?"

"His name is Ian." Said the mother. (heh heh- couldn't help it) "Oh he's so sweet! Isn't he lovely? Hi!" LC did her usual playing around and stuff. Pulling faces and the like. "Your food looks so yummy!" Little Ian smiled at her. "Yum! Chips... and what else? There's some water in the cup just there and-"

"Oi LC- stop suffocating the baby!" Red yelled from the other table.

LC frowned. "Alright. I gotta go. Bye bye!" And she left. Upon sitting back down she said, "Molko, i want that baby's food. I want it now. Go get it for me- I don't care what you do. He hasn't started eating it yet so you've got time. Go get it from the baby, Baby."

(Kali's bit) "Dammit LC! GET OVER LIAWOD ALREADY!" Kali said, slamming her water glass on the table. "Anyway, honey, that says filet mignon which means like....something cute?..."

Jess sneezed in Steve's face in the middle of round sixteen of the staring contest. "Oh man..." Steve moaned, but then checked himself & put on a lovely smile as he wiped his face off w/ the tablecloth.

Molko sat still in a panic as LC looked at him expectantly. How could he just steal some little kid's food? He looked nervously back & forth between his chick & the kid. "Well, dammit, BRIAN, I want it now!" LC said, stamping her foot & making the glasses on the table shake. Molko stood up & started walking towards the kid's table but turned around & darted back to LC halfway there.

"I can't do it, I'm sorry, look, I'll have the waiter run over to the pub or something & get you some chips, okay?" Molko said, with a pleading look on his face.

"But Molkyyyyyyyy...." LC whined. "Oh fine." she shrugged, seeing as Molko was about to cry.

Molko snapped his fingers & a waiter walked over as if Red had shoved her wine glass up his bum (maybe she had?). "Yes er,.." the waiter looked at Molko, then decided to play it safe & turned to LC. "Madame?"

"Yeah, run your arse over & get her some chips, will you? No poncey ones." Molko said, gesturing for the dude to leave.

"Look, man, I know you don't speak only fookin' french or whatever so just tell me what this is okay? And then maybe I'll bloody order & quit holding you up, you ass." Molko turned around to see Kali yelling at the waiter in frustration. A few minutes later Kali was happily munching on her veggie meal while Liam made up a dance routine w/ his chickem parmesean.

"Errr....what's veal?" Red asked, looking up at whoever might be there to answer her question.

"It's like, baby cow, innit? Or sheep or somethin'" Rob answered, pouring another glass of whatever alcohol was out at the time. Red looked horrified as she glanced at her menu and back at Rob.

"You need to get out more, hon" Gabs said to Red, clinking glasses w/ Robbie & giving him a cheeky wink.

LC was whinging again as now she wanted a special salad to go along with her chips. "Look, if you don't quit it then err...no shag for a week." Molko threatened. LC sat bolt upright in her chair. "Are you...threatening me?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. "I guess you could call it that, yeah.." Molko replied. "Well well well" LC said, grinning cheekily.

"LC just got turned on. I've lived with her long enough, I can tell these things" Kali observed over her linguini (or something). "Yeah thats nice um listen love," Liam said in an attempt to stop Kali's behavioural observances. "Hmm?" Kali said, turning her attention back to poor little Welsh boy. "I was thinking," he started. "Mmmhmm, really now..." Kali nodded. "Are you even listening? Look, I was thinking about the whole shagging thing, and I realised that Red actually did say we went off to "start the shagging" or something. But that doesn't mean we actually did it, right? I mean I just wanna make sure we can still keep our cred." Liam explained. "Oh yeah sure Limey, right." Kali smiled & went back to watching Jess's various facial contortions as she chewed & stared w/ Steve.

LC stuck straws up her nose & attempted to make Molko laugh, but he only turned a slight shade of pale instead. "Oops, I'm sorry, I forgot you're afraid of straws, oh my poor Molko baby" LC said, pulling the straws out & petting Molko's head gently.

Thought time. What's everyone thinking? A pass around the table shall reveal... Red: "I'll bet it was that damn Rory calling me on my mobile..."

Jess: "Ha. I'll bet Steve is concentrating on not blinking. I, however, don't even have to concentrate seeing as I'm such a supergenius & all..."

Robbie: "I wonder if there's a TV around here, the footy is on, for fucks sake!"

Gaby: "Ha, ha, LC just had straws up her nose. I think Molko shit his pants. Man, I need another drinky..."

LC: "Molko is such a darling. Hmm....I can't wait to write about Sun Hill when I get on here..."

Molko: "Why is Kali looking over here? She's scaring me. Those damn straws are looking at me...."

Liam: "Sigh. Kali never listens to me. I think she likes Molko."

Kali: "hehehehe. I'm having fun making Liam think I want Molko..." (LC's bit) Gaby downed her fourth glass of alcoholic beveredge when someone tapped her on the shoulder. She drunkenly tunred around.

"Wot?" She asked the dude.

"Ah... is your name Gabriela Romero?" The suave looking dude asked.

LC watched on with a grin.

"Who asking?" Gaby shot back.

"My name is DS Boulton and this is my partner DC Skase, I think we spoke to your friend once before." Boulton looked over to LC who smiled, waved and skipped over to Skase.

"Oi Skasey Boy. I think you have something that might be of interest to me." She waited.

Skase blushed and dug around in his pockets until he pulled out the blue satin knickers.

"Thanks." LC said, grabbing them. "My boyfriend needs them."

Skase paled as he watched LC hand over the knickers to a happy looking Molko. He turned away as Molko made eyes at him.

Boulton carried on. "We have reason to believe that you are involved with the murder of top class Latino Lover, Ricky Martin."

Everyone gasped. Gaby froze. She muttered in Spanish. She began to get teary. Rob stood up.

"Now look 'ere. Where d'you get off saying shite like that eh? I'm her current lover and she's not said anything of the sorts to me. So leave it."

Boulton leaned in towards Rob and raised his eyebrow, just because he can. "We have matching fingerprints. I think you should come with us Gabriela." And he yanked Gaby up. LC skipped over.

"Hey guys! I just wanna say, Skase, thanks for the handcuffs, they're really great. Strong- you know. And Boulton thanks for the warning- I won't be buying anymore from Harrods. Hey- Gaby's my mate. Can i come along just for the hell of it?"

Charmed as they were by LC's sluttiness, they let her come to the station for the interview. LC kissed Molko good bye and left, with a comforting arm around Gaby.

LC ponced into the station. "Wow..." She gushed. "It's just like on TV." She waved to Polly behind the desk.

"Ah, I'm sorry but you are going to have to wait here while we interview Gabriela." Boulton told her. LC put on an upset face and made out she was going to cry. Boulton looked frustrated in that way he always seems to do, and sighed. "Look, maybe you can go upstairs to the CID offices. You'd like that wouldn't you? Yes you would. Off you go then."

LC giggled and skipped up the stairs and past the rubber plants. She didn't need directions as she'd seen it all too many times. She snuck in the back of the room and watched while a meeting was going on. DCI Meadows was instructing the officers- (due to his Yorkshire accent which i will try to type phonetically, i will add a translation for those of us who can't read what i write)

"Right. What has happened is a blorke by the nyaaame of Tyom has brorken into a shyop in Jameeaca Lane. Syo, I want Alistar and Liz to take the froont alley, while Tyom and Suzeh take the back. Any questions? Right."

Trans- "Right. What has happened is a bloke by the name of Tom has broken into a shop on Jamaica Lane. So, I want Alistar and Liz to take the front alley, while Tom and Suzie take the back. Any questions? Right."

LC grinned and then frowned at the image of all the readers thinking she was a shit writer. Oh well, she went to talk to Tom.

Gaby sat down nervously. "I don't understand this. I think i need a lawyer.. or something."

Miraculously, Gaby's lawyer waltzed in and plonked himself down.

"Right. Let's begin." Boulton said. Skase just sat back and gave really intimidating looks just to make sure Gaby felt suicidal, if she wasn't already.

"Where were you on er.... some night a while ago in Aberdeen. Or possibly Ireland. Somewhere in the UK." Boulton asked.

Gaby frowned. "Some night a while ago in the UK. Um, probably drunk somewhere in a pub or club."

"Have you ever been to the ShitHouse Inn before?" he continued.

"Um... no, not that I know of. Why?"

"Your fingerprints were found on a chair at the Inn which was used in the murder of the top class latino lover, Ricky Martin." Boulton told Gaby. Gaby stared at her hands. "These hands of mine... they have never picked up a chair and hit someone over the head with it. Never."

Skase raised an eyebrow.

"So you were involved then..." Boulton flashed an evil smile.

"No!" Gaby sat up straight. "Why do you say that?"

"Because," Boulton said, getting all cocky as he does when he knows he's right. "We never told you anything about the chair being used to hit top class latino lover, Ricky Martin over the head. The only way you could've known that is," He leaned in. "If you were... involved."

Skase, feeling a bit out of character, broke his nasty glare by poking out his tongue.

"Look- I wasn't there. Someone told me about it. Really. They did." Gaby trembled.

"Who Gabriela, who told you?" Boulton demanded.

Gaby stared nervously at Boulton who glared back and at Skase who flared his nostrils at her and rolled his eyes back into his head.

"Um... LC. LC told me. She did it. She did it all."

LC plonked herself down on the uncomfortable chair in the interview room.

"What appears to be the problem guys? Gaby not making sense? Not talking in the right language? Not talking at all?" LC leaned back and smiled.

"That's just it LC." Boulton said.

"Oh please, call me Elsey- same sort of name but looks better in print. Carry on..."

Boulton nodded. "Right well, Gaby did talk and it seems that you aren't as smooth as you make out."

"You thought I was smooth? Alright! Thanks guys." LC grinned in a flirtateous manner.

"She accused you of the murder of top class latino lover Ricky Martin." Boulton told LC who was watching Skase try to intimidate her by turning his eyelids inside out.

"But I've never met top class latino lover Ricky Martin!" LC said in a pleading way.

Boulton sighed. "Come on Elsey. We know when we see a liar. We trusted your friend Gaby, but i really don't have time for this. We can see through your act."

LC opened her mouth to reply in a manner that would make an army blush, but decided against it. She leaned forward, the strap of her dress casually falling off her shoulder. "Alright guys. So I did it. What are you gonna do? Huh?"

"What do you reckon?" Boulton enquired as he picked his empty coffee cup off the floor which had been swept of the desk in Skase's attempt to look down LC's dress.

LC reeled back from Skase who was getting a bit close. "God Skasey Boy, I don't even like you anyway- can't you see it's Boulton I'm after here?"

Boulton raised an eyebrow- again, just because he can and also cos he was interested. "But I thought you had a.... partner."

"I have a boyfriend yes, don't worry, I'm not asking for anything. Merely expressing my hidden emotions." LC explained.

"That's a guy?" Boulton said. "Cor, I made some comments I shouldn't have then... ooops." Boulton shut Skase up as he began making fun of him and making poncey handmovements. "Seriously. I'm all man."

"Really?" LC sighed, bored with his ego and crazy antics. "Well how about I make a deal with you, and we drop the case? I want to go home."

A few seconds later LC was leading Gaby outside (after pinching PC Harker's bum as he waltzed in before them) and across the road to home.

"Thank you LC." Gaby sniffed. "I didn't know what to do and I freaked out. How did you walk away with no charge?"

LC smiled to herself. "Ah, I've seen it all before on TV."

(Kali's bit) Kali shook her head. LC was reaching new heights of pathetic-ness.

"I can't believe she went off & did a whole bit about that damn Sun Hill thing that she knows half of us aren't gonna understand anyway." Kali whined. Liam shrugged & stared at his plate.

"We're baaaack!" LC announced to the entire restaurant as she kissed Molko hello & took her seat. Gaby sat down to various "aww are you okay?"s & many hugs from Robbie.

"Man, I'll tell ya, its rough in the clinker" Gaby said, looking very into her story telling while the whole table leaned in closer, intrigued. "Clinker?" Rob asked, looking confused. "Yeah, thats what we call it in the big house." Gabs replied, with a sinister look on her face. Red sat with her mouth hanging open as Gaby explained the process of interrogation and the use of chinese water torture. "Yep, that's what its like in the slammer." Gaby said, leaning back in her chair & looking quite pleased with herself. "Wow..." everyone sighed. Gaby looked around at everyones blank expressions, assuming they were all due to her enthralling storytelling abilities.

"Oh god!" Steve yelled, and made a run for the bathroom. "Fuck me!" Robbie shouted, running after Steve & holding his stomach.

"I had no idea..." Jess said, observing the two men making a mad dash for the bathroom.

"Guys...I don't feel so..." Stef pushed his chair out all the way & followed Robbie & Steve's path.

"Jesus christ, what is this, "Rukaland Tag-Along Orgy" or something?" Red said, looking confused. Before anyone could come up with a witty reply, Liam & Molko had also made a dash for the bathroom and LC & Kali made their way over to the big table. "Huh." LC shrugged. "Wonder what's got into them. You don't suppose this is some kind of elaborate plan to ditch us all, do you?"

"Nah..." Gabs said, waving her hand dismissively. Unfortunately it was the hand holding the wine glass which spilled down Red's back.

"Oh, Red! This is a fashion emergency!" Kali shrieked, jumping out of her chair to Red's aid.

"Um, yah, yer Welsh boy just made a dash to the bathroom and yer worried about me ruining my sarong?" Red quipped, turning her head in Kali's direction. "Oh you're lucky its open in back otherwise you would have been ruined!" Kali grabbed one of the linen napkins & cleaned Red up. "Hey, you haven't got wine in yer knickers, have you? 'cos if they're silk, you're in trou-"

"Look, Kals, if I had any sort of emergency, fashion or otherwise, I'd ask fer yer assistance. Now just shutup & get rooted, will ya?" Red cut Kali off.

"oooh...Red, be nice." LC said.

"Okay, I supposed that was a bit harsh. Kals forget all the other stuff I said & just remember the 'get rooted' bit, okay?" Red asked, looking at Kali sympathetically. Kali nodded.

"You know, I'm kind of worried about them. I mean, what would cause all of them to run for the bathroom at the same time?" Jess wondered. "Well what did they eat?" Kali asked, being logical for once.

"Umm...well its kind of hard to tell...judging by the remains I'd say Rob & Stef had the chicken." LC said, leaning over to examine Robbie's plate.

"Yeah, Liam too." Kali added. "Steve too." Jess said. "What'd Molko have?"

"Oh he had some kind of fish. Forgot what it was." LC replied, just as Molko walked out of the bathroom w/ the 4 lads in tow.

"What happened?" Red asked, looking un-concerned.

"Oh, nothing happened to me, I just saw all the other guys run for the bathroom & thought I was missing out on something." Molko replied.

"I think I've been poisoned" Robbie said, leaning on Gabs & holding his stomach.

"Ew god you guys didn't...you know...erm..." Kali stuttered. "No love, we didn't have the shits. Calm down. I just puked all over the loo. Thats all." Liam explained. "And I feel just awful." "Awww, my baby..." Kali said, petting Liam gently.

"Oh my baby, Oh my baby..." LC began before Jess slapped her upside the head. "Damn all of you, I wanted to go out & get pissed!" Red shouted, slamming her fist on the table. Everyone shut up & look at her. "What? I did."

"Well Molko's not sick, Red, so why don't the three of us go out?" LC suggested. "Hmm...I dunno, you promise you won't go all couples-y & ditch me?" Red asked, raising her eyebrows. Molko giggled. "Promise." LC replied. "Well I'll come along too. But only 'cos Steve is boring me and the staring thing is getting old. Not 'cos I actually enjoy your company. Remember that." Jess said, looking evil. So LC, Jess, Red & Molko ditched the group & buggered off to the clubs & pubs.

Meanwhile, Gabs, Robbie, Stef, Steve, Liam & Kali buggered off back to the flat pretty much without incident. Except when Robbie felt the need to hurl & had to hang out the window for half the ride back. "Too bad Red isn't here, she could do some kind of healing ritual." Gabs said, taking Robbie upstairs & clearing a spot for him in the bathroom. "Damn Jess and her damn cargos. She could at least keep them out of the bathroom & have a little respect for her mate" Gaby grumbled before starting on the Spanish talk. Kali peeked out of Kali & LC's bathroom (as thats what was convieniently (sp?) marked on the door) at Gaby & Jess's bathroom. Oh & btw, their door wasn't marked, except for a picture of Ricky Martin. Stef & Steve wandered upstairs & caught Kali peeking out of the door. "Hey, someone's got to take care of us too, yknow" they whined, bending over to exaggerate the stomach pain. "Take care of yourself" Kali said. "The only person around here responsible for you is Molko, and he's out getting pissed with his partner and Jess and Red, your only possible dates."

Stef & Steve sighed & went to go lay down on LC's blue couch. Gaby threw a vomit soaked shirt onto the floor in the hallway & Kali shrieked & slammed the door. Gaby looked out w/ a confused expression on her face but decided it was just mice & went back to giving Robbie a sponge bath.

"What was that?" Liam asked. "Just don't go into the hallway. Um I dunno how to treat food poisoning. I mean under normal circumstances I guess you'd call the hospital but like...we have a wanted felon here, we can't contact the authorities, can we?" Kali thought aloud. "I suppose not." Liam replied. "Well I guess we just sit here & wait for you to spew it all up. In the meantime, let's write a song together." Kali suggested, using the door that lead immediatly to her room, rather than go into the hallway & face the shirt. She returned to the bathroom w/ her acoustic guitar, (named Damon II), and began playing a few notes. "Hey that's good. Keep doing that & then add in a bit of vibrato on the fifth." Liam instructed as he pulled a pen & piece of paper from out of nowhere (can you tell I'm making the guitar stuff up? It's only 'cos I can't be arsed to actually come up w/ something). "So let's have it go like...We're never gonna shag..." Liam suggested, jotting down the first line. "We're never gonna shag..." Kali sang "so just get over your sex lag..." Liam giggled. "I can't wait til this is done and I can play it to the girls." Kali sighed.

(LC's Bit) LC yanked Molko to the dancefloor as Block Rockin' Beats came on. Red and Jess sighed.

"So it's just us Jess." Red observed thoughtfully.

"You know.... I really miss Jonny. I really do. Cos yknow, his hair is just too cool for words. Other than that he pretty much sucks." Jess daydreamed.

"Yeah." Red nodded. "His hair is good cos it covers his face."

(insert dramatic music here) "Excuse ME?!?!" Jess suddenly got fiesty. "Did you just imply that Jonny was *not* the most beautiful thing to walk the earth???"

"I believe so." Red said.

"You wanna take this outside, *mate*???" Jess jumped up.

"Alright. I think I might!" Red snarled and the two angry chics dashed into the cold London street.

LC watched her two mates dash outta the club. "Looks like a bit of a tiff is about to start. Honey?"

Molko looked back at LC. "Er, yeah sorry. A tiff- you were saying?"

"Yes." LC looked over to the person Molko was staring at. Kelly Jones. Having a beer. "Molky, he only goes for blondes ok?"

"Well, mabe I should dye my hair blonde- i mean, i was thinking about it..."

LC grabbed him by his shoulders. "You do that and I'll do something very painful involving 4 meters of sellotape, 3 candles and.... an axe. Do you hear me?"

Molko gulped and nodded. "Sure i do. Of course. Who needs blonde hair anyway?"

"So." Jess said. "Would you like to state your problem with jonny?" She made a fist.

"Well..." Red thought. "I actually have no problem. LC does. But she's just thought of summat brilliant we can do."

"What's that?" Jess asked, lowering her fist and putting down the brick she was holding.

"Across the road." Red pointed to a seedy looking shop. "Let's get various parts of us pierced and dyed. I want a nose ring and purple eyebrows. Let's go!" And she dragged Jess away.