By this time, Gaby was in severe need of a drinky as it had been 20 minutes since her last vodka and she was getting stroppy. So the girls went in search of a pub to celebrate their new found and short lived success in. (Someone elses bit now, Red's been online for 4 hrs)
(LC's bit) LC slammed her pint on the bar and began to get all whingey.
"Oh why did fucking Angelfire fucking delete our fucking story again for the fucking second fucking tiiiime!!!"
Red hung her head. "It's all my fault! The first time i come on here to write and it screws up. I'm sorry!"
"Guys!" Jess nudged Red. LC looked away. "Come on guys- get over it and get to the plot line- we've just signed a record deal with a damn dodgy dude, we hardly have a band as I made it all up during a mixed up conversation with Noel Gallagher, we're going to play Glasto in a week- and we're gonna be famous!" Jess exclaimed in a moment of shock suprise and elation.
"And we just developed the characters.... and personality traits, and shags- now I'll have to explain my shag collection again..." LC sobbed.
"...er- shag collection? What's this?" Kali questioned.
LC brightened. "It's this collection of stuff from all my shags."
"What- pubic hair and underwear?" Red joked. (Oh- she was serious)
"Er... no Red. I mean like, I got Damon's ID bracelet from when he was in hospital, Molko's eyeliner and Alex's button off his shirt." LC explained.
Kali looked dreamy. "Alex James.... phwoar..."
Gaby slumped onto Jess's shoulder. "Since we're like, gonna be famous and well known and really really good... can we do famoussssssss things?"
"Like what Gabs?" LC asked.
"Sure." Kali shrugged. "However, I was thinking mass promotional merchandise, such as video's, posters, online chats and more. Oh, and CD's."
Jess frowned. "Sorry to like, burst your bubble Miss New Jersey Gal, but aren't we supposed to be lightening up here? Not caring? We've just signed to EMI- who, let's not forget- are supposed to be a really shitty record company and never leave you alone and Sony is always the way to go cos they have to get like, exclusive permission from lawyers and shit just to ask you if you want a cup of coffee, but hey at least we're Label-Mates with Blur; and we should be celebrating."
"Oh yeah." LC frowned. "You're damn right. Let's get drunk."
Gaby collapsed on the floor.
"Ok, I'll stay sober." LC offered. "And try to bring Gaby back to life." She kicked Gaby awake.
Red, Kali and Jess scrambled over to the bar and ordered as much alcohol as their bodies could handle.
INTERVIEW-(NME) FAIRYLAND vs RUKALAND- is there a difference?
Interview Guy talks to the members of brand new supergroup Rukaland, on their new single, Glastonbury and er... shagging. ->
It's a sunny day in London as five girls bundle themselves into a pissweak excuse for an interview room. At first I am slightly bored by what looks like just another all girl hormone driven crap excuse for a group, but when lead singer LC (surname never mentioned) pipes up with 'get rooted Red, at least I shagged Molko AND Damon Albarn' well, I become slightly amused.
YOU'RE ALL FROM DIFFERENT COUNTRIES- IS THERE A CULTURE CLASH OF ANY SORT?
Kali- Nope. Well, yeah. Like, Red and LC are Aussies, so they come out with these halarious comments-
Red-(guitar) Um excuse me- 'you stupid drongo' is not that amusing. Quite insulting really.
Kali-(guitar) Anyway, so there aren't any real problems.
Jess-(bass) More like a personality clash than anything else. I don't believe in make up. Or dresses. Or perfume. Or shoes with heels.
LC-(lead vox) Oh I'm there- heels suck.
Red- Hello? You'd live in heels if you could.
LC- Bullshit and you know it. They ruin your back.
Jess- So yeah: personality clash.
YOUR FIRST SINGLE, 'SHAG' HAS HIT THE CHARTS IN THE TOP TWENTY.
LC- Which is quite amusing seeing as we haven't even recorded the bloody thing yet. Hmm...
APPARENTLY YOU GIRLS ARE QUITE NOTORIOUS FOR THE WHOLE SEX, DRUGS AND ROCK&ROLL IMAGE.
Kali- Just sex and rock & roll thanks. Even that, I mean, we spend more time in the pub than doing anything else.
Gaby- (drums) Yeah....
WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE RUMOURS ABOUT LC AND DAMON ALBARN. APPARENTLY HE MOVED INTO YOUR FLAT FOR A FEW DAYS...
LC- He didn't. He didn't move in.
Jess (grins)- Oh yeah, he just y'know... appeared out of nowhere.
LC- Oh you're still shitted about all that cos we couldn't phone you from jail. And you were worried and....
JAIL?
At this, LC begins to tie and untie her Docs, and a silence falls over the group. Kali whispers something to Red who begins to tell me about spiritual healing in India.
Red- So anyway, i went to India for a few weeks and learnt all about this new type of spiritual healing that calms you and relaxes you body.
Jess- Isn't that just yoga?
Red- Well... I got professionally taught, so I'm the best at it. Right? Anyway...
WHAT PUT YOU IN JAIL?
LC- We won a Brit Award. Let's tell you about that. Kali?
Kali- Oh yeah that was rockin'. We really 'ad it laaarge that night.
LC- You might've. Although... I thought you said Noel had small hands?
NOEL GALLAGHER?
Jess- Oh we are so not safe to interview. Gaby hasn't said much. She's safe. Interview her
AS THE DRUMMER, AND RESIDENT ALCOHOLIC, DO YOU FEEL LEFT OUT FROM THE ACTION?
Gaby- (surfacing back to reality) No way mate, like, it's allllll top from where I see it. I used to work in a pub, The Groucho and so I saw it all. Like, LC used to be a pole dancer there and she went home with Damon one night and was in jail the next day with Kali for reckless driving while Jess was going mental trying to find them and I was watching Tv. And then Damon was in hospital for alcohol poisoning from that night in the pub and LC brought him to our place for a few days until she kicked him out. And then Kali had it off with Noel a few times and he got us a place at Glasto. And then (sigh)....
The rest of the group's expressions turn into that of pure shock. It's Kali who whacks her hand over Gaby's mouth.
Kali- How- what? Why? You're a drunk! You're passed out all the time- how the hell did you pick up all that was going on???
Gaby- It's a South American thing. Leave me alone.
Anyway, then there was Red and Gaz from Supergrass, and then Jess went missing at the Brits for a bit after talking to Thom and Jonny from Radiohead. What about me? Oh yeah- I seem to remember a lot of Robbie Williams for some reason, but I don't know why.
LC- Ah- yeah! Cos er... you just spoke to him. That's all- no dodgy stuff. Isn't that right kali and Jess and Red? Yes it is. In fact, conversation is all it ever was. Molko, Damon, Gaz, Thom, Jonny, Noel, and even Alex James.
Red- Yes that's right. Gaz. 5 times. Five conversations that is.
The group, apart from Gaby who is now in a state of drunken coma, nod earnestly. Jess stands up.
Jess- I think we'll be off now. We have to play Glasto soon and need to rehearse.
Red- Not cos we're shit- cos we're not. We're a supergroup. We just... should reherse. Cos we have so many wonderful songs to perform.......
LC- That'd be right.
And with an almost automatic and obviously well practised move, they yank Gaby into a standing position and scramble out the door.
(OK, interview over, rehersal's comin' up! Next person...)
(Red's bit, lookin good so far, we have text above) "Well, that went rather well didn't it?" asked Kali. "How the fuck does the drunk know so much!?!" screamed LC, "I'm lucky to get a heartbeat out of her let alone a run down on our sexual habits!". "Habit's? You call em Habits? I'd call em addictions more like." Said Red, in a new found cockney accent. "Where did that accent come from" demanded Jess. "I found it in a gutter" answered Red, "I've been spending a lot of time in the gutter for preperation for being in a band with a recording contract, and I'm getting quite good at it I must say." All of this was being said on the walk home to the apartment,' which isn't very long, or maybe it is, but does not seem to be. Or perhaps all that we see is not really there, we are merely the hand puppets of a higher being, playing a game of charades up there, somewhere. Wow! The colours are so real, they're coming out at me'.
"Shit, I think Red is having one of those flashbacks to spiritual shit in India" said Kali.
"No, I think it's a result of her mother smoking pot whilst she was in the womb" replied LC, "And i should know," she continued, "I met her mother, I ate her cooking."
"You ate her mothers cooking? Are ye fookin mad?!" asked Kali.
"Yeah" intercepted Gaby, "I heard that the trifle she made at Christmas one year had so much undiluted brandy in it that Red was pissed for 3 days, and that must be a lot of brandy. Brandy, that's a good idea."
So the super group Rukaland entered their shitty apartment and got down to practicing. They propped Gaby up at the kitchen bench with some large pillows and 3 metres of rope, found on LC's bed, because Gaby had managed to find some brandy, and was having trouble controling her muscles.
"Thank God she's the drummer" said Jess, "Only Graham from Blur can play that pissed."
Kali came into the room with her epiphone, which was wrapped up in silk sheeting - 'only the best for her baby'. LC was 'warming up her vioce' by going through her repetiore of swear words, and Red, having recovered from her flashback, was lounging back with her pink paisley guitar (they do exist), and was actually asleep. Jess was sitting in her clothes pile, imported from Canada, and tuning up, the only one in the room with their mind on rehearsal. LC was considering Red's comment on collecting pubic hair for her 'Shag Collection' whilst filing her finger nails (multi talented she is), Gaby had managed to finish the bottle of brandy, even though she was tied up to a set of drum sticks and the bench, Kali was considering the meaning of life - 'is Noel the reason for living?', and Red had slipped into a coma.
"Alright you lazy bastards, this rehearsal has officially begun!" screamed Jess, "Pull your fingers out of your arses and play!".
The room awakened/came back to this world, and started the openeing of 'Shag'. It went all right, apparently. No one was injured.
"I think we may need more than one song" suggested Kali.
"What about 'Shag Now, Shag Later'?" suggested LC.
"I think we need to broaden our horizons and do something else apart from shagging" said Jess.
"Yeah. I'm spent" added Red. (Someone else take over now)
(LC's bit)
"However..." Lc said in a tone of voice that suggested she was actually thinking. "We could possibly release a collection of songs about shagging, and call the CD 'Shag Collection'. All profits go to me of course."
Jess scoffed. "Oh get a grip girl from Oz. Like that's gonna happen."
"God, i have a thought for once and already madame Canada has yanked me down off my pedestal. What do you suggest then?" LC crossed her arms.
"I was thinking... let's make the songs more real-"
"Like Shag isn't real enough! Ahem- let me sing you the first line: I need a shag/ You stupid hag, you're such a fag/ You crazy dag." LC tried.
Kali frowned. "No, those lyrics are slightly different. The last line is wrong."
LC nodded. "Then again, you, me, jess and red are the only ones who read the other version before it was deleted, so it doesn't matter."
"Back to me." jess stood up. "I feel we need to write a song about an event."
Kali bounced up and down. (Thank god she was wearing a bra) "Oh i *so* have a song! I so do! Check it out- it's about my beautiful, darling, wonderful Noely."
Gaby stirred. "Oh get over it woman."
Everyone chose to ignore her. Kali continued. "It goes- He's wonderful, he's beautiful, he's amazing, he's brilliant, he's top, he's great, he's terrific, he's super, he's just really really good. Repeat 3 times."
Lc nodded slowly. "I am so not singing that."
"great!" Kali clapped her hands. "I will then!"
"Yo Kals." Red began. "How long did it take to write that?"
Kali grinned. "Like, soooo long! But I just knew it would turn out beautiful, I could feel it in my soul. The way the pillow on my bed was smushed against the wall as I lay there, writing. The way the atmosphere in my room seemed to comfort me- to call my name. It said 'kali- great kali- come hither and display your talent for the world to view-eth!' And I said 'Yes! I shall be there for you, dear, dear atmosphere of comfort. I shall write the words of my soul on the page-eth. And you shall see-eth what talents spew-eth forth, from thy pen... eth." Kali recited in a somewhat airy and flamboyant manner.
Jess gave a look of disbelieve. "is it just me or is Kali about 10 times more bimbo than usual? Like, what's the deal with that LC?"
LC shrugged. "She's kinda on holidays in South Carolina and therefore can't update the page right now, so we have the power. And besides, Red doesn't like it when I make her all stupid so it's Kali or you."
Kali sat in the corner and strummed her guitar- which she named 'Noel II'. Her eyes were closed and she swayed with the beat.
Gaby smacked a drum. (yeah- they bought her a drumkit with some of the money)
Kali's eyes snapped open. "Oh thank god- it's only Gaby. I thought it was the great forces come to get me."
Red shrieked. Not that she ever shrieks. OK- LC shrieked.
"Guys! Look at this!" She pointed to the TV which was showing the latest UK Hits. Rukaland was at number 12.
"Almost top ten!" Lc screamed at the now blank screen with subtitles saying 'Rukaland haven't actually recorded this song officially so we have no kick-ass clip to show you. But hey- here's something we knocked up earlier.' (Ooo:literally? -LC) And Ginger Spice's butt filled the screen as her dreaded song came on. Lc turned the TV off. She inhaled deeply. Red blocked her ears. Kali cringed. Gaby blinked. "OH MY GOD!!!!" Lc yelled. "We're going to Glasto and I'm going to shag Crispian Mills!!!! Agh!" She screamed a bit and then returned to normal.,br>
"Oi!" Kali began to get territorial. "Who says you're gonna shag my little Kula Crispy?"
Lc crossed her arms. "Oh now let's agree to share ok?"
"Yeah." jess said. "If you have an STD it's only fair to give a bit of it to others."
Everyone went quiet
.
"What?" Jess asked. "I don't have an STD! Lc just made me say it cos she felt my presence was not being made obvious enough. God... anyway... I hope Jonny's gonna be there... and Thom."
"It's Molko, Damon and Crispy all the way boys and girls." LC stated.
(right, I'm done)
Red here. We left off with the girls of the Super Group Rukaland about to go to Glastonbury. For this trip, the girls have been placed in a tour bus, and as mentioned in a previous page that has been lost, it is equipped with shite, including Nintendo 64 with 4 player summat, alcohol, lots of alcohol, more alcohol and a stereo system. On this bus, there are only 5 sleeping areas/bed thingy's, which means there's a bed for the driver and 4 members of the group. On my last count there were 5 members, but just let me check... Yep, 5 members. So one person misses out on a bed. Suck shit loser! Anyways....
"I want the top bunk!"
"Fuck you Kali, I want the top bunk" screamed LC.
"There are 2 top bunks, don't get your knickers in a knot" calmly stated Jess.
"Jess, are you on pot? You're very calm given the situation." asked Red.
"I'm calm now, but I'm warning you, I could snap at any moment."
"OK, don't frighten me" said Red, backinig away from Jess and her demonic look of Satan on her face.
Gaby had bagged the bottom bunk my collapsing on it. Jess realised the importance of the moment and seized the other bunk whilst Red cowered in the corner.
"Have the bunk Satan woman, I'll not bother ye with my thoughts, for they are shielded against the heathen evil which you eminate" said Red.
"Are you sure her mum was just doing pot when she was pregnant?" asked Kali.
So that meant Red had to sleep on the floor, which didn't bother her, she had slept in worse places before. "Sleeping on the floor doesn't bother me, I've slept in worse places before. Oh, deja vu, or is it reincarnation?" said Red.
The girls had packed all of the essentials. Kali had her epiphone (which is a good thing when you're playing a gig, having instuments like), a shit load of clothes and some glitter. LC had packed a shit load of clothes, every type of contraception known to man (and woman), some whips, lots of canned cream, 3 metres of rope (after they untied Gaby from it), some Capadex and Herron (in joke)(and Mercyndol! -LC). Jess had left her Thom Yorke doll at home in hope of getting the real thing at Glasto, a portion of the clothes pile, consisting of cargo pants and cargo pants, her telecaster and some cds for the stereo. Gaby packed some alcohol, and some more alcohol and a poster of Ricki Martin (dunno why i said that) and 4 g-strings. Red packed shit loads of warm clothing, a tent, some gumboots, an unbrella, a rain coat, a stupid hat, all of her underwear, her guitar (pink and paisley) a tube of henna paste, some tofu, mung beans, nuts, beans and some alcohol. Red set about setting up her tent in the tour bus.
Gaby put up her poster of Ricki Martin in her bunk and arranged her bottles for easy access during the night. Kali spread glitter all over her bunk and set up the Nintendo so she could play it in bed and be able to reach Gaby's alcohol with the aid of a stick. Jess neatly arranged her cds and cargo pants and unrolled her sleeping bag. SHe was the only one who remembered the sleeping bag. LC arranged her contraceptive devices and set about rigging up a bondage system with the 3 metres of rope. The driver set about reading the manual on 'How to Drive A Fookin Big Vehicle, The Safe Way", which worried Red a little. (someone elses bit)
(LC's bit)
Kali sighed. "Oh my God I am SOOOOOOO bored!"
Jess and LC looked at each other in a worried kinda way. Jess cleared her throat. "Er, Kali..."
Kali looked over. "What?"
"We haven't even left yet. The engine hasn't started up."
Kali looked out of the window. "Oh my God you're right. OH MY GOD- you mean we still have to make it to Glasto in one piece?"
Gaby threw an empty tequila bottle out the window. "Oh my God guys-" Kali whinged. "I'm going to die of bordeom."
"Oh my God" Jess sulked. "I'm going to die of insanity."
"Oh my god!" LC realised. "I'm going to die of claustrophobia and have another breakdown... as per usual."
"Oh my God." Red said in disbelief. "I'm going to have to put up with you."
Gaby giggled drunkenly and continued her game of snogging her Ricky Martin poster.
By some miracle- and an effort to give this story a kick up the butt, the tour bus headed off in the direction of Glasto and everything was fine and dandy.
LC had enclosed herself in her bed area and refused to come out due to 'clearing her mind'. Red was in her tent and refused to come out incase anyone saw her hash stash. Kali was sitting in the passenger seat, telling the driver about her woeful love life and jess was bored. She went and sat next to Gaby.
"Hey Gabs. How's life treating you?" She began.
Gaby nodded. "It's ok. I have a plan you see." She leaned in towards Jess. "I'm gonna become the best drummer in the world."
Jess giggled. "Ok."
"And then people will come to see the band just to see me." Gaby explained proudly
.
"Right." Jess nodded. "Well it's always good to dream."
Gaby frowned. "This isn't a dream. This is real life. This is me. This is us. This is what we're here for."
"To become drummers?" Jess asked. Gaby nodded.
"Oi Jessy- you want a drink?"
Jess shurgged. "What you got?"
In a slightly bored voice, Gaby began to rattle off... "Tequila, vodka, champagne, gin & tonic, stout, chardonnay, spirits, port, red wine, white wine- if you want names... well, I've got Guinness, Heineken, Malibu, some Southern Comfort somewhere- I seem to recall drinking it all one night in the early edition of the story, Marlborough, VB-"
Red burst out of her tent in a cloudy haze.
"You have VB? What the fuck are you doing with VB?" she exclaimed.
"Some guy sold me a heap at the pub one night."
"yeah- wanna know why?" Red raised an eyebrow. "Cos it's shit."
"That's Foster's Red!" LC called.
"They're both shit. But fancy that. Shit- all the way in England." Red shooke her head.
Jess shrugged. "Shit in England- not that hard to believe..."
Kali bounced over to the group who were now crowded around the table thingy.
"Oh Oh!!!!" LC started. "Who am I?"
She sat on the floor and leaned against the seat. "Oh my life is over- what are we going to do?"
Everyone just watched her.
"D'you get it?" She burst out. "Do you know who I am?????"
Red sighed. "Don't ask me- I have to ask myself that very question every morning. I can't be held responsible for you as well."
LC sighed- frustrated. "Don't you see? Sitting against the seat... in the tour bus.... miserable and helpless.... business problems.... It's so obvious. I'd get it."
Kali grinned. "I know! I know!"
"Who?" Everyone asked- including Gaby.
"She's Thom Yorke in that chapter of LIAWOD when the record company's screwing Kate and him around for the single cos Damien released it and they've just received a bitchy phonecall and Thom's freaking out!"
"Yaaaaay!!!" LC exclaimed. "Let's do more!"
Gaby, in a moment of shock meaningfulness, interrupted the two giggly children. "I seem to recall we're on a tourbus. The only re-enacting you could do are Kate and Thom having miserable conversations, or various sex scenes."
LC frowned. "True. Anyone read Charm School Dropouts? That's really great for disturbing sex scenes. They went to a brothel after all..."
Everyone kinda looked at LC in a dodgy way. Even Kali. LC looked upset. "Fine." She stated. "Just fine. I shall go back to becoming a reclusive whiney little shit, shall i?"
And she stormed off.
(Red's bit) And got into her bunk and began fashioning a type of 'curtain' with one of Red's sarongs and the 3 metres of rope. Jess decided that now would be a really good time to read the 'French Civil War' book that she was meant to read in school, seeming as LC was coocooned in her bunk and out of danger's way. This left Red and Gaby to have thier 1st heart-to-heart.
"So Gabs, I'll give you a toke on my spliff if you let me have a swig of your...wow, big selection here... your vodka." Said Red.
"Sure" slurred Gaby, "hand over the spliff".
Red took a swig of the vodka, swirled it in her mouth and swallowed in disbelief.
"Gaby, I hate to tell you this, but this isn't vodka, in fact, it's water."
"I know said Gaby, suddenly behaving soberly. "It's all part of my big plan. I'm not really an alcoholic, I don't even drink. But if everyone reckons I'm driunk, they are more likely to disclose 'sensitive information' in my presence."
"You little shit! You mean you were awake when I was screwing Gaz and thought you were unconsciouse?!?"
"Yep, great innit?"
"No it's not great! I just gave you a toke on some magnificant hash, for a swig of water! I'm pissed off!" said Red, trying to keep her vioce down incase anyone else heard she had good hash and jumped her for it, you can never be to careful.
"Look Red" said Gaby, "It's nothing personal. I work for the Venezualen government and I'm meant to be a spy and this is my cover."
"A spy in a band? You must have grog in the other bottles. You must be drunk" said Red.