For the past week I had this page taken offline because of a tresspasser. A tresspasser who was clearly not welcome, and had threatened to use severel misinterpetations of my work agaisnt me. Not that I care about the opinions of this insignificant person, but at that moment, shutting down the page was not so much as a response to her threat, it was to something more.
This person was Janiece Dixon, my biological mother, who was a source of very intense psychological and emotional abuse in the early years of my life, and even through today. Ever since 23 March 1998 I thought myself free from her, when she had liberatered me from her control into that of my much more stable and reasonable father, but even to this day she has made it her intention that she intends to keep me in her cage, under her control and supervision. She has attempted to do this through manipulation both to my face and behind my back, such as getting city courts to order counseling, claiming or implying that my father is an incompitant alcoholic. Not that this is a surprise, ever since I was a child she has made it a point to spread libelous propaganda about my father, saying he was a drunkard who cared nothing for me, saying he was "evil" etc. But, personaly, (and I think a reasonable audience would agree) that trying to brainwash your child out of jealousy or fear of lonliness, is considerably much more devious.
Nonetheless, she has stalked (yes, I say stalked because I never gave her my address and she had hunted my page down) into my webpage in an attempt to gain something of an influence in my work. Something I had never tolerated in the past, and most certainly, a strong violation in the highest order. This would probably stem from her own manic-depressiveness exhibited in the household. A single miss-used comment of thought would trigger an sometime violent (mostly verbal, seldom physical) outbusrt, which led to me being uncomfortable expressing myself. For the years under her control I had to suppress who I was, less I would either be shouted at, or degraded for the sake of her entertainment. These feelings I really cannot explain as throughly as I would like, but I suppose if you are a victim of this or any kind of abuse, you can sympathize.
Knowing that she would be watching my work and judging me for it hindered my ability to produce work on this page, let alone share it. Of couse I could have moved to another domain, but then there was that knowledge that if she found me here, she would not stop at finding me somewhere else.
Of course, I tried to be as honest about this situation with her as I possible could have. In response she had laughed at me, told me there was nothing I could do to stop her, and that no matter how hard I tried to hide, she would always hunt me down. This is a reflection of just how much she respects my wishes, and of her own character.
As you can probably understand, this was very depressing. Imagine being hunted and not having any escape. Imagine being plotted against, talked behind your back like you were a runaway pet with an affliction that needed to be treated.
So, after much thought, the website returns. As she stated, she would follow me no matter what. And I am tired of hiding. Hiding who I am. I will confront this fear and post what I damn well please. Reflections of my own thoughts. My own desires. Pieces of me. I will not be ashamed nor afraid of what I feel or expressing what I feel. And if she, or anyone else in the audience, is incapable of interpeting my works responsibly, or takes certain works too seriously, then that is thier own fault and none of my own. And if nothing else, I have full control of my own creative process, and I will not be swayed by any...pests.
If nothing else, I can always ignore her. People, especialy on the internet, cannot hurt you unless you allow them to.
"You Did Not Hurt Me, You Cannot Hurt Me, Nothing Can Stop Me Now"