Chapter Three: Mr. Throat Tear

"Well, I’m not dead or unconscious, so I say ‘Bravo’ for me." - Giles

I'd seen quite a few things in the couple hours since I'd woken up in the alien ship surrounded by wounded and dead aliens. I'd wandered aimlessly through the ship, exploring, and trying not to ponder the fact that I was astral-planey. I didn't think I was dead, I'd done the ghost thing before and this felt different. The fact remained, though, that I was definitely not solid.

I sighed and wished for a nice warm bed. Astral planes were boring and uncomfortable with only a floor to stand on and definitely nothing to sleep on. I decided to myself that watching the enemy from the safety of another plane of existence was the perfect way to distract my mind from thoughts about my friends and family and the fact that I'd yet to find my body.

And so, to keep the major wiggins at bay, I spied on the enemy and wished fervently for the ability to understand what the heck they were saying. Stupid Aliens. I'm glad I smooshed their ship and squashed 'em like bugs… Just wish it hadn't resulted in an out of body experience…

When I finally blinked myself awake again, I felt far more rested and kind of in need of a shower. And a toothbrush. And some food. And a…

Well anyway I lay in bed looking at the ceiling cataloguing all my needs for the moment. I didn't even really register at first that there was a sleeping vampire draped perpendicularly face down across my stomach until I got to the part in my list where I needed to go to the bathroom. A vampire on you bladder'll do such things to you. I looked down at Spike and grinned. He looked excessively stupid. His face was smashed into the mattress in a way that only the non-breathing can manage, his arms were tucked so close to his sides, he looked like he'd been tied that way, and his cute rear-end was elevated to provide quite the view.

"Spikey?" He didn't respond. He was a deep sleeper, which surprised me sometimes. I mean, you'd think someone with such a dangerous unlife would jump at every little sound. Back at the apartment I'd taken to playing all the usual pranks on him if he fell asleep on the couch. He'd wake up snarling, shaving cream all over his game face, or with his socks on his hands or once, for old times sake (and for revenge on him for illicit groping), I'd tied him up and left him on the couch while I was at work.

Spike was unresponsive so I manhandled him until he was sleeping like a relatively normal person, on his back beside me. When I was done I arranged his arms so his hands were clasped across his bare chest like a proper dead person. I grinned to myself and I sat next to him, smoothing down my hair and composing myself. Then I started to sob dramatically with much sniffing and woe. "Oh no! I killed him! I killed him! He's not breathing!" I flung myself across his chest and beat at it none to gently with my fist. "Why? Why did you leave me Spike?! Now I must raise our children on my own!" I fake cried a river.

"If you're done, pet, you're denting my ribs." I stopped pounding on his chest and looked up to see him staring at me through half-lidded blue (der-her perdy) eyes. "Why'd y'move me? Was comfy." He pouted like a little child. I resisted the urge to tousle his already sticky-outy hair for him.

"You looked too undignified for a corpse." I informed him, snuggling down at his side, setting my head on his shoulder. "Dignified Corpses…sounds like the name of a band…" I mused. He bent his head down to try and shut me up with a kiss but I halted him suddenly enough to have him kiss my palm. "I know for a fact that my mouth tastes like I've been licking the dignified corpses so it is my duty to warn you against further action." He growled a little at being thwarted and gave me a condescending look.

"Kitten, I tear the throats out of demons with my teeth. I think I can handle a lit'l morning breath." He told me. He had a good point, but me, ever so resourceful in Battles of the Witless, had a clever response to that.

"Ewwwww….There's no way I'm going to kiss you now, Mr. Throat Tear. That's nasty." He blinked, adorably befuddled for a moment then he growled again, swooping down to steal a kiss anyway. He stopped halfway there at the sound of a scream.

*Spikey the Wonder Vamp!*

"Oh, leave that one. He looks like he's ready to drop any minute, and I think I can eat someone if he's already dead."-Spikey

If Xan hadn't jumped up after that initial scream, I'm certain that we'd b having a nice snog. But, alas, my love remembered that he was infuriatingly good and leapt out of the nice comfy bed to go check on who was screaming. I sighed and followed after him to Soldier Boy's room to see if I was needed. Such are the trials we endure for a hot piece of ass.

"Riley?" Xan was trying to hold the oversized soldier down to the bed unsuccessfully when I arrived. The one-armed man was struggling blindly, thrashing my pet pretty good while he tried to help. I sighed and pounced on the twit, using my oh-so-useful vamp strength to hold him in place on the bed. There was plenty of painful twinges in my head to remind me of the chip during that time, but I kept hold of him while Xan tried to wake him up. Calling his name didn't really work, but after a moment the soldier calmed back into sleep again.

That was when Xander caught my eye. "Why's isn't Buffy here? Its been too long for them to be gone still." He looked worried. "Stay here and watch him. I'm going to go look for em. Check on the girls too." He was out of the room before I could protest being made to baby-sit. After a moment I realized protesting was pointless anyway seeing as it was daylight and I'm rather undead. I sighed and took a moment to glower at Captain Cardboard. He looked better without the arm, in my opinion.