It's been about a week and a half since Avram proposed on my birthday =) I couldn't be happier! Avram's so sweet and caring. He's really my best friend and I can't imagine my life without him =)
Anyways, I haven't made much progress with the planning. I just bought a huge planner and a couple books from amazon and barnes about wedding planning since this is all new to me. I hope this coming year or so will be productive! =)
Let me get this off my chest -- one of my major concerns (this what I've been thinking about ever since my birthday): Bridal party - I don't have any real close friends. Who will be my maid of honor? Who will be my other bridesmaid (Athena and Alyssa are the only two I have now)? To be honest, I've been a loner all my life and I'm not good with staying in touch with the friends that I do have. It's sad isn't it? I really want to ask Cirel to be my maid of honor, but I have lost touch with her and she's down in Nevada. I remember we used to talk just about everyday and she really understood me when no one else did. I just feel so guilty for not talking to her for so long =/
I'm considering making a new layout for this page. Yeah, I know I'm always saying this, but I feel like I should start new with everything happening =)
This journal needs revamping. I miss it. I miss writing and designing.
Time really does fly. I really noticed it when I came home for Holland Happening seeing other people and how much they've changed. I mean hah, I'm not exactly social. I'm really bad with staying in touch and keeping up with people. I'm all in my bubble here in Seattle/Bellvue -- I'm not exactly stagnant, but I just don't notice these things. I mean to these people, have I changed at all?
A person has no right to criticize what you choose to do in good faith. Why do people have to belittle what you take pride in? Just when you thought it was enough for you too. I think it's kind of hyprocritical of them to think that way. They hold themselves up as this standard when they really don't know shit ... about me or anything else.
I'm still a little pissed. It's hard not to show it.
Saturday, December 21, 2008 | | |
I've really come a long way these past couple years in every sense.
I <3 snow! Maybe we'll have a white christmas this year. I don't recall if last year was or not.
I know over the past year or so I haven't been such a good friend. I've lost touch with people. I hope they know I still care for them and wish them the best.
Saturday, November 22, 2008 | | |
Sometimes being at home makes me sad. I mean my dad is awesome; he's been really good lately. It's just that I see the look on my mom's face everytime she looks at him. She doesn't even want to go on the trip to the Philippines next year because she'll worry too much about leaving dad alone for 2-3 weeks. I don't know. It hurts sometimes because I hear her complain about certain things. I know she loves my dad, but things have been different.
A lot has happened since I last wrote. I will be starting my new laboratory technician position formally next month at my lab. I'm pretty excited about it since there's a possibility of a promotion to a research technician position =) Also, my birthday is coming up pretty soon!
Everytime I get mad over something petty (sometimes I don't even realize it), I feel him pulling away from me. Maybe it's just my fucked up mind. I've always been a pessimist in hiding. I don't know. I've been hurt before for just being the way I am. It's not a good feeling.
Saturday, May 24, 2008, 2007 | | |
Internal struggle - RANT
I am 23, graduated college in March and hold a good job that I enjoy. Legally you are considered an adult at 18. That's even around the age when my brother's moved out of the house and became independent. I certainly do not feel like an adult with my parents. I know they're just being protective, but do they realize I'm 23?
The reason I am bringing this up is because Avram took the courage to ask my parents if I could move in with him. It would be cheaper (about half as much -- even less) than renting a 1 bedroom or studio apartment of my own. I know this because I have been searching for my own apartment for awhile now. I don't want to seem ungrateful or disrespectful to my parents because they have practically given me everything, but I want to make my own decisions for once. I will be struggling if I get an apartment of my own.
I thought they would be happy since I would not be alone, but no. I think it's just because they don't want anyone to think badly of them if people hear that I'm living with Avram -- just trying to save face. That's one of the reasons. Maybe they think he'll take advantage of me or something. We've been going out for 2 years now. Don't they know I'm responsible? I wouldn't do anything stupid. Have I ever?
I am scared to tell my parents. Yeah, go ahead and call me a baby, but you wouldn't understand. Avram's parents are okay with it -- they think Avram and I are old enough to take it seriously. I think it's okay and hopefully Aziel and Athena are fine with it.
I just don't want to struggle ... on my own and when I want to be with Avram at the same time. I feel like I would waste my money on an apartment when I would be with Avram for most of the time (like I do now =X).
It's a whole internal stuggle. I want to tell my parents, live with what they do to me, and live with Avram. On the other hand a part of me just wants to get an apartment on my own and just don't deal with all the drama of my parents. So frustrating. Not to mention I have to pay off my student loan. Goodness. $*#(!!!
Thursday, March 13, 2008, 2007 | | |
I think I know how it feels to be happy and unhappy at the same time. I'm just feeling a whole range of emotions right now since it's getting down to the wire -- I'll be graduating college in about a week. It's relieving and disappointing at the same time to see that I'm not on the path that I was planning to take. I'm just hoping there's more for me in the future ... more than what is now. I want to do something. I just don't know what.
Sunday, November 18, 2007 | | |
Do you know what it does to you when people say you have slim chances of doing what you really want to do? It makes you believe it yourself in a way. I tell myself time and time again to stop thinking about what other people say. "You always take the easy way out." "That won't cut it." Just because of a series of classes. I'm doing fine in all the others. It's just those classes that I'm afraid will ruin my chances. Like I've been making myself crazy thinking of other things I could do instead of it. And I tried to fix what I had done in those classes by writing a petition and it got rejected. What else can I do huh?? I know I'm determined and competitive and I'm definitely going to do things differently next year ... but I don't know. Again, I compare myself to other people. I feel like I'm not doing what I should ... or I'm not doing enough that would put me on top. I've been really depressed lately ... thinking about all this. I just wonder if I should just drop it and settle for something else. Although it would be wonderful to just get through it all ... it's just the path to getting there seems hard and stressful. See ... I keep going back and forth. I'm going crazy.
You know it's kind of funny. I keep staring at the screen wanting to write something, but I can't seem to find the right words. For the past couple weeks ... months even ... it's been like this. I really wonder why.
Look in my eyes. I'm jaded now, whatever that means. By sharing these things, I rip my heart out. It's worth my time, whatever that means.
I’ve been running on empty. I’m so far gone now. Do you wanna take me on?
Is it worth it? Can you even hear me? Standing with your spotlight on me, not enough to feed the hungry, I'm tired and I've felt it for awhile now in this sea of lonely.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005 | Keane - everybody's changing | |
I went to the mariner's game sunday against the orioles. I've never actually seen a game there before. I had fun, but I got a little sun burnt =/
Hopefully I'll put up a new layout. I have all this time on my hands, so I might as well work on one.
I keep having doubts. I don't know if I'm cut out for this. As much as I want to, I don't know if I CAN.
Do I feel as much as you do for me?
I never realized how much I miss writing on here. This used to be my outlet for everything. I remember I used to write on here everyday like a little nerd. Yeah, I miss that.
It's awkward to meet people who you played with when you were little 10+ years later. You expect them to know who you are like you or they never left, but it's not like that. I guess I just expect a little too much.
Denial -- I have not changed at all. Q.L.K.
I don't even know who I am. I thought I had solid beliefs and knew what I stood for. Why have I compromised that? I realize that I can be very gullible.
Wow, I really haven't written in a long time. I guess I felt no need to. A lot has happened though since the last time I wrote. I got rejected from bio for the summer (damn petition). Had a couple "secret" meetings with the bf while I was at home or in Tacoma with my bro (well ... secret=not mentioning it to my dad). It was nice after not seeing him for a couple weeks. I got into a little fight with my bro. First time ever that I lost hold of my temper. Not good. My bro made up with me, but my mom was sure disappointed. Arleen is mad at me even though she doesn't show it. Honestly, I don't really care (as mean as that sounds). I don't mean to be. I'm just being truthful. It's only "necessary niceness". I felt so bad that I punished myself with (which I figured out later to be not necessary) isolation & fasting. Blah. That's what I do when I feel bad -- retreat and think to no end. I should have listened to you Danny. What else ... I'm looking for a job or volunteer position, but for now though I'm relaxing. After my bro & his family leave for Tacoma, I'm going to start cracking on that. Yeah, I think that's about it. Hopefully my next entry will be soon and positive.
I tried to be perfect, but nothing was worth it. I don’t believe it makes me real. I'd thought it’d be easy.
Sometimes I just take a look at myself and think about what exactly I have accomplished these past couple years. I'm still the same damn person I was before who wonders where the time has gone. I feel like such a failure ... I feel useless ... unimportant to anything or anyone ... unsuccessful ... reaching for stupid dreams. What the hell am I doing huh? I have no aim ...
Someone please ______ me now.
Ahhh crap. I'm so nervous about my ochem final. Wish me luck =/ I don't remember much of the first few chapters of the quarter. Ehhh.
Ahhh don't mind what I wrote yesterday. I'm lame ... and too emo.
Starbucks white chocolate mochas = awesome. Tully's mochas = blah.
Thanks baby for spraying my bear (and everything else). Now my room permanently smells like you now, which is a good thing =)
Err stupid DNA & protein lab to do. I have no idea where to start. Errrrr.
Each day gets more and more like the last day.
I'm fooling somebody. A faithless path to roam. Deceiving to breathe this secretly. Unable so lost. I can't find my way. Been searching, but I have never seen a turning from deceit. A silence, this silence I cannot bear. I try to reveal what I could feel.
*** My apologies (b4 you start reading), I'm being a baby. ***
I don't know what's up. I don't know why I get like this. I feel like everything is getting bleaker by the day. I mess things up by just being the way I am.
People make me jealous. I really don't want to admit that, but they do. It's pretty sad. People who are what I'm not. People who do what I can't. Why do I freaking care so much huh? Why can't I be happy with the way I am? Wth made me so unhappy with myself ...
Do you ever feel like you're __________ just for the sake of __________? You don't know what the point of __________ is or why you have been __________ but you have. Is it because you want to __________? Or are you __________ because other people expect you to or want you to? Do you want to __________ as much as you say? Deep down you don't know what to do. Pursue __________ or not? You don't want to doubt yourself, but maybe you're tackling something that you just were not meant to. You know you would hate to settle for anything less than __________, but still you think you may not succeed and where would that take you if you did? Down an even deeper hole? And if you want __________ so much, why don't you show it huh? So frustrating. Thinking you're not good enough for __________, but still wanting it so much. You're not doing enough compared to others and you wonder if you will or not. You just wonder where, when, why, how you're going to get the confidence to do __________, because right now you don't have any just because things are or seem bleak.
I can't focus right now. I have a paper due tomorrow and I just can't work on it.
My sister in law, nephew & niece arrived friday. It was just nice spending time with them. I was just thinking. I'd love to be a kid again. Learning to tie your shoes instead of learning structures and synthesizing of amino proteins. Worrying about when the next time you'll get to play is instead of when your next english essay is due. Taking a nap whenever you feel tired. That would be so nice. So yeah ... my nephew & niece have it good. Hahah.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005 | Frankie J - story of my life | |
... Cada vez que siento que el mundo se me esta cerrando. Solo pienso en escaparme del mal. Y cada vez que siento que el aire se me esta acabando pienso en volar hasta donde nadie me pueda encontrar ...
... So many problems around me. Dammit won't they just go away ...
I remember when things used to be so simple.
I remember when I was on top of things.
I remember when I felt comfortable with myself and my abilities.
I remember when I did not have a care in the world.
I remember when I felt like I could contribute something.
I remember when I felt like I belonged to something.
I remember when the future did not seem this close.
I remember when my best was enough.
I remember ...
Errrrr crappy a** paper ... I hate you.
Sunday, May 22, 2005 | SWV - weak (bam jams mix) | |
Ooo someone commented. I wonder who. Hmm. Anyways, to whoever it is: thanks for the comment =D I really appreciate little things like that. *hint hint* Btw, yes ... it was Blue & Yellow =)
Man, I've been studying ever since noon today. I should study like this everyday, not just when I have a test. But of course, I'm lazy.
Daft Punk - technologic: This song's so cute. It's on the new Ipod commerical if you haven't noticed. It's the new new one -- not the one with rollerskates.
My mood reflects the weather today.
And it's all in how you mix the two. And it starts just where the light exists. It's a feeling you cannot miss and it burns a hole through everyone that feels it.
Errr -- two midterms monday (ochem & ochem lab). So guess what I'll be doing all of today & tomorrow ... yep, studying =/
Wednesday, May 18, 2005 | Tony Tayo - make you scream | |
My baby's birthday is tomorrow!! =)
I'm an official chem major as of 9 a.m. this morning. It'll be hard, but I want to do it. I want to work in a lab this summer!!!
You know you're cool when a neighbor knocks on your door and complains that your music is too loud. Hahah, that happened to me a couple times. So sue me, I like my volume up HIGH.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005 | Warren G - regulate remix | |
The rhythm is the bass and the bass is the treble. Rhythm is life and life is rhythm.
I like to procrastinate by:
- Browsing through thefacebook.com, xanga, & myspace
- Checking everyone's away message on AIM
- Looking up lyrics to every song I hear
- Checking my e-mail every 10 minutes or so (a habit of mine)
- Watching new episodes of Naruto that come out usually every wed or thurs
- Oh & writing on here =P
AHHHHHHHHHH! I just broke a bottle of my moonlight path Bath & Body Works purely silk body luster lotion. Can you believe a bottle of it is 16.50?? Craaaaaaaaaap.
Sunday, May 15, 2005 | Bowling For Soup - almost | |
I wish I didn't doubt myself so much. Last night I did some real thinking if I really want to still pursue the pre-med track. I mean I'll still be doing it. I just wonder what I'll do if I don't get in. I've been looking at medical technology. I'm a little late though w/ that. Blah. I hate not knowing what I want to do when the thing I really want to do might not work out.
Thursday, May 12, 2005 | Lil Rok - mrs. jones | |
VIBIN & POLDERBITS SOUND RECORDER = the best
I can't believe I woke up @ 4:50. Registering sucks, well I take that back. It isn't as bad as when I was a freshman.
Finish paper. Study for AES quiz. Errrr I'm definitely not a morning person.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005 | Travis - why does it always rain on me | |
"I can't sleep tonight. Everybody's saying everything's alright. Still I can't close my eyes. I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights. Sunny days ... where have you gone? ... Why does it always rain on me? ... I can’t stand myself. I’m being held up by invisible men. Still life on a shelf when I got my mind on something else."
Do you think it's foolish to want something that may be just out of your reach? You don't want to believe that it is (that it's out of your grasp) because you really can't picture yourself doing anything but that and you won't settle for anything less. Is that foolish? To be persistent, to want it so much, but you have certain things holding you down or blocking your way. Everyday it seems like you are stepping further and further way from your dream. Maybe it's a stupid dream.
I don't know. My self esteem level dropped drastically after I saw my counselor. My bio grades are not up to par so I might not get into med school. Blah. Med school. Sometimes I wonder why the hell I'm going for that. That maybe I'm just setting myself up for major disappointment and rejection. So yeah anyways, I'm hoping to retake biology 180 in the summer and only that class so I can pull up my grade for it. It's frowned upon to retake requirements for pre-med, but mine are so low that I need to because I want to be accepted. So PEOPLE PRAY FOR ME (and I'm being serious). This is my last chance to pull up my grades for bio. I'm praying I'll be one of 10 accepted for retaking biology. TEN! only ten ... how fucked up is that. I really need to write an amazing proposal to impress the biology board. This is my chance ... I don't know what I would do. I just feel like I've messed everything up for me just because of those three classes. Three classes out of ... at least 21?? Freaking biology. They're the only classes that I've gotten less than a 3.2 in. F*ck .... I'm so pissed at myself. I've dug myself into a hole and I don't know if I can get myself out.
Sunday, May 08, 2005 | The Used - poetic tragedy | |
"The cup is not half empty as pessimists say, as far as he sees nothing's left in the cup. A whole cup full of nothing for him to indulge since the voice of ambition has long since been shut up. A singer, a writer, he's not dreaming of now of going nowhere. He gave heed to nothing and all that he was is just a tragedy, so he voyages in circles succeeds getting nowhere. Then in violent frustration
he cries out to God or just no one: is there a point to this madness? He feels alone. His heart in his hand. He's alone."
I'm in that sad mood again ... as you can tell by the music I'm listening to.
Yo dork, I miss you. Yes ... already. I can't stop thinking about you.
I don't know what's up with me. I can't seem to get this essay finished. I have my meeting with my prof monday afternoon and I was supposed to get two people to peer edit my paper. So yeah ... I'm behind. I just need some motivation somehow ...
Well one good thing, I cleaned/organized my room. I can at least find some things now. I should study ochem too, then maybe that'll get me in the mood to work on my essay. Maybe?? Hopefully.
Saturday, May 07, 2005 | Brooke Valentine - girlfight remix | |
I don't know why I've been so unmotivated lately. It's really sad.
Goals for today (I doubt I'll finish any of them):
- Finish essay
- Finish ochem lab report
- Study ochem
- Clean up my messy room
Thursday, May 05, 2005 | Nino Brown - eye candy | |
Errr I skipped my english class today to work on my essay. I got over a page! So yeah ... it was kind of productive.
Cute song. Thanks Chai! Hmm, even though I heard it before, got it before. Charismatic, yes. Hustler, no. Ambitious, yes. Inevitable, no clue. Hahah. It's cool my design is on someone's cellphone. Don't know how you got it on there. It's just a nice thing to think about that someone appreciates what I did for them and liked it so much =) And yeah ... I know how to find things. I really know my stuff.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005 | Mariah Carey Feat Styles P & Jadakiss - we belong together remix | |
I'm so bad. I didn't turn in my essay yesterday because well ... I didn't do it. Hopefully I'll get it done tonight so I can send it to my prof and the people who have to do a peer review for me. *crosses fingers*
Tuesday, May 03, 2005 | John Legend - number one | |
I have not been writing with much substance lately. My apologies.
Hmmm you know what I've noticed? I haven't been all that into music lately because I've been downloading a lot. I know that doesn't make sense, but I remember when I just was happy to just dl one song in thirty minutes and I'd listen to that song on repeat and know it inside and out. Now I download a song in maybe ten seconds and download so much that I don't take the time to listen to all of them. It makes me kind of sad, hahah. (BTW, music's a big thing for me, if you haven't noticed and if you were wondering why I'm writing about this). Quantity over quality - get this song, get that song - just to have it. I have so many repeats on my hd. I don't even know until my BF goes through my music. And you know how I am organized with my music hahah ... I'm usually anal about it. But lately, I just haven't cared.
English has been a pain lately. Paper after paper after paper. I did alright on the last one though. I got a 3.5 on it, but I know I could've done better. I'm just not motivated with that class, but I get through it with good BSing (hahah). Sad but true. I always get through english that way somehow.
Friday, April 29, 2005 | India.Arie - purify me | |
Err I think I messed up my lab report. I forgot to put the procedure to my derivatives. Crap =( And I didn't do too well on my midterm ... got over the mean, but still.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005 | Jack Johnson - better together | |
There's no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard. No song that I could sing but I can try for your heart. Our dreams and they are made out of real things, like a shoebox of photographs with a sepia tone loving. Love is the answer, at least for most of the questions in my heart. Like why are we here? and where do we go? And how come it's so hard? It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving. I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together.
It's amazing how a song can explain how exactly you feel about everything ... at this moment.
Hmm I'm hooked on Bleach now. Since it was mentioned on a Naruto site, I decided to dl it and give it a try ... interesting story -- ghosts. Man, Cirel would love this.
I might pull an all nighter =/ ... maybe. Hahah, I always say that, but then never do.
Monday, April 25, 2005 | Nancy Sinatra - bang bang | |
Hmm I hate feeling this crappy. I'm sick again. I have a sore throat and my allergies are killing me.
So much stuff to do: read for AES & English, study for AES (test Thursday), do reading notes for English, write up thesis for English, study for Ochem (test Monday). So much stuff ... so little time to do it.
Sunday, April 24, 2005 | The Used - it's hard to say | |
"My worries weight the world how I used to be and everything in cold seems a plague in me. And it's hard to say how I feel today. ... gone by and I cry."
I'm too damn nice.
You know you have always pictured yourself a certain way and when you realize you are not quite like that, it's really sad ... actually disappointing. All I want to do is just be selfish and think of myself, but there's another person in the picture. Honestly, right now I just want to keep my distance, as much as that is going to hurt. I think I've lost focus. I need to regain that. You know I don't want to hurt you because that's going to hurt me ... but I need space ... see how things are. Go back to things before. I need that.
I'm just a stupid, naive little girl.
Monday, April 18, 2005 | Pachelbel - canon in d minor | |
I wish I could be eloquent with words, but I know I'm not.
See, I tend to mess things up with the way I am. When am I going to do something right for a change? I just seem to make everything harder/more complicated for myself and for other people. So I think I'm just made to be alone, in my own little world where I won't bother people with my problems. OR maybe I'm just too damn proud to admit there's something wrong and that I need help ...
I've been up and down so much these past few days. You all probably think I'm crazy. I haven't been this way in awhile. I feel like I should be happy because of a certain person in my life, but lately I haven't and I feel bad, to give him such a hard time, to make him worry.
I got this from Irene's page. It made me smile. I just wish I could remember this each and everytime I feel down:
A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you, but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. Well, he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special- Don't EVER forget it.
If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring. Count your blessings, not your problems. And remember: amateurs built the ark .. professionals built the Titanic. If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.
Sunday, April 17, 2005 | Pachelbel - canon in d minor | |
I'm hopeless ...
Why do I feel like I'm not worthy of the good things that happen to me?
I know sometimes I put up this facade that I'm alright, but I'm not most of the time. You don't know what kinds of things I think about. I try so hard to be happy, you don't know ...
Friday, April 15, 2005 | UNLV - go dj | |
ANOTHER MUSIC TEST FOR MUSIC PEOPLE LIKE ME OUT THERE: What song does Talib Kweli sample in his song "never been in love" -- name the artist and song, please.
What happened to you? You played the victim for so long now in this game. What I thought was true is made of fiction and I'm following the same, But if I try to make sense of this MESS I'm in, I'm not sure where I should begin. I'm falling now over my head for something I said, completely misread. Who said it was so easy to put back all of these pieces."
I once thought I could relate to someone. I thought they were the same as me. They kept saying to me they could understand. I take a look at them and they aren't ... they can't. They're so different, so how could they? I'm hopeless. I'm never happy ... I'm never content and I don't think I'll ever be.
Why am I so weak? To just give in like that ... not proud of myself at all.
WTH, sometimes I hate my parents. They create so much drama. They can always relate such a small mistake to a much bigger issue, which ALL the time does not really apply to me. Take for instance: text messaging --> not being focused, not caring about school. See, how the hell are those related? I don't know. I guess you could say from my dad's point of view that I'm using my time in something useless when I should be studying or whatever, but man, I don't know. Why make such a big thing out of nothing? I'm focused. I wouldn't jeopardize my situation. I'm not STUPID like that alright?? It's like they don't know me at all. They don't know what I stand for. They're putting all these ideas into their head that I'm a certain way just because of the change that I have someone else in my life. I'm fed up with everything. Everything I do it seems is to disappoint them or make them angry. When is what I'm doing going to be fucking acceptable to them? Huh? You know ever since I have gotten a boyfriend, they have been pissed at me left and right. You know, I'm the type of person who wants to please everyone. I'm a damn people pleaser, so I HATE pissing people off. It makes me feel like SHIT. I want everyone around me to be happy. I guess my mood kind of reflects the people around me sometimes. I'm just so frustrated right now. I guess that's why I almost thought of breaking up with my bf just so I wouldn't deal with all this drama (yes, I know pretty crazy ...). But I know, I tend to run away from problems than just deal with them face on. I'm such a wimp in that way. And I don't take into consideration the feelings of other people sometimes, sorry. I just hope they just get over what they're dwelling on and just deal with the fact that I've changed.
Thursday, April 14, 2005 | Frankie J - don't wanna try (live) | |
My Sassy Girl = awesome movie. Thanks Dennis!! I loved it hahah ... so sweet =)
Hmm, who answered my music question down there yesterday??? I'm curious because they got it right! To the person who answered that, you must message me. Who answered it?! I want to know.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005 | Natalie - going crazy (spanglish) | |
Is it me or does this song seem out of tune? Hahah, maybe it's just because she can't really sing. The lyrics though are pretty nice.
Ochem midterm tomorrow. I don't think I'm ready, but I'll do my best to prepare tonight and tomorrow morning.
Monday, April 11, 2005 | My Chemical Romance - i'm not okay | |
Ahhh someone help. I need help on my english essay =( Topic: analyze ideological issues involved in the writing of history and its consequences.
Thursday, April 08, 2005<;/div> | Nivea - okay remix | |
Man, I hate feeling this bad ... regrets =( I thought I was stronger than that. I feel so hmm ... I don't know. I made a promise to myself. I feel so ugly (no, not in the physical manner -- although I really can't look myself in the mirror right now). The reflection's kind of distorted ... not like myself. Who am I? Who do I want to be? All that I know right now is that I hate myself. I don't want it to be like that. I'd rather let go and drop everything than continue like that. It's just not right ... and it's making me worried =(
Wednesday, April 06, 2005 | Frankie J - the one | |
I hate missing class, especially if you only have it twice a week. I have a quiz tomorrow in AES and I don't have the notes for tuesday =( I've been waiting on them from some people. Hopefully they'll come through for me tonight. Like I said before, I hate depending on other people, but I have no choice. It's really my fault for skipping. Damn english. You're really killing me.
Lately I've been praying a lot for strength to get through all this. I think it just says something about me for sticking with it right? I have at least some hope I can. You can't just go running everytime things get hard right? Just trying to have faith in everything ...
Tonight I really have to read/study. I'm hoping I'll get through everything. I've read every reading except one. NOTE: I've READ, not exactly UNDERSTOOD every reading. Then I have to somehow write up an intro/thesis statement for english about our topic. I can't do that until I understand the readings. So reading first ... understand ... then do my intro. Err. So much work.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005 | Slick Shoes - fulfilling | |
"The life's torn from you. There is nowhere to turn. You're all alone. You feel hollow and empty. Nothing you do can suppress the heartache that you feel. The only strength you have is used to cry in misery. Could you fill the hole you've made inside your heart, when you can't erase your past mistakes? They say that everything happens for a reason, but nothing on this earth will make the sorrow go away. Your thoughts are filled with emptiness and despair, but just have faith and god will show you grace."
Why am I so nice even when I'm busy? I take time out to help people if they ask me even if I'm bogged down with work. I don't know if it's because I'm impatient or what, but why can't people show me the same courtesy? I only ask for a couple minutes of your time. I'd do the same for you. But yeah, I'm so damn impatient. I guess I want things when I ask for them. Err =/
Dammit. I don't know why I'm so _____ today. I keep feeling like things are just crashing down on me. I'm so fucking pissed @ the world right now ... not to mention -- disappointed ... sad ... tired ... regretful ... useless ... stupid ... weak. I need some major cheering up ... seriously =(
Man, today was the first day I skipped AES -- to work on my english paper =/ Yeah, it's my fault for holding it off till last minute. I guess I'll have to talk to Gerard or something and borrow his notes. I feel so bad because I know I'm missing out on important stuff, but I need to finish this stupid paper. I totally hate this class, but I'm going to stick with it.
I just have this FEELING that I missed something in AES. They probably had an in class quiz today. URGH! If they did, I'm going to scream ... or throw something ... or kill myself. I told myself last quarter I'd be on top of things this time. I'm already straying away from that and it's only the SECOND week =(
Monday, April 04, 2005 | Stevie Wonder - what the fuss | |
MUSIC TEST (for anyone who's into music as much as me =)): Name the artist and song Stevie Wonder samples on his new single out right now - what the fuss
Happy B-day bro, you're 28! Hahah, crazy.
Don't mind what I wrote yesterday. Sometimes things just get to me all at once.
Sunday, April 03, 2005 | Smiths - please let me get what i want | |
"Good times for a change. See, the luck I’ve had ... Haven’t had a dream in a long time. See, the life I’ve had ... So for once in my life, let me get what I want. Lord knows, it would be the first time."
My Chemical Romance - i'm not okay = really good song to listen to when you're not feeling alright about things. It makes you feel not alone b/c of the way you feel or are seen as.
Goals for tomorrow:
- Volunteer (hopefully)
- Read for AES
- Do English 2 page paper
- Read chap 18 & 19 in Carey
- Start doing prelab
Hmm depending on someone ... needing them. I try so hard to deny it. I don't know why. It kind of makes me feel weak to think that I need someone to feel complete. Maybe I'm just being negative. Do I feel complete? Is what I'm doing right? Or all the signs that have been showing up telling me something ...
I hate aes & english, only because I have to analyze and put in two cents on things where I have no idea where to start (you know, off the top of your head ...). It would be so much better if I had assignments ahead of time so that I could actually prepare and say something that makes sense or has some actual thought put into it, without it sounding stupid. I guess that's the whole deal why I don't like these classes. It's so abstract that I don't know if my opinion is worth saying. I just feel so STUPID whenever I'm there. It's like getting put down everytime. My self esteem decreases as each second, minute passes by.
Back to volunteering tomorrow (maybe, if I'm up to it). I hope they still have my shift. I haven't been there for awhile because of finals and because I was sick. I didn't want to spread it around. Hmm ... and for some other reasons. I don't know why but I just haven't been in the mood to help people lately. I haven't gone to the IC to set up my tutoring schedule and I haven't been volunteering. I don't know why I'm like this ... seems like I'm being selfish or something. But I just hate being so busy all the time. I get sick of it. And then not doing so well as you'd hoped in the end or not getting what you wanted out of it.
WARNING --- negativity, hopelessness & depression ahead ...
I don't know. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I'm doing. I feel like I'm just running around just dealing with what's in front of me, not thinking about the future, if I'm making the right decisions. I feel like such a failure and I have no sense of direction in life. It makes me think I'm not worthy of anything. I'm not worthy of anything good which is why nothing has come my way. I know things won't just suddenly drop upon my lap. I know that. It's just so fucking hard ... frustrating. I HATE MYSELF ... I HATE THE WAY I AM. Dammit ... I need to change. What made me this way ... made things so hard for me ...
Thursday, March 31, 2005 | Mariah Carey - secret love | |
One more day!!! =)
Err I dread my writing link class!! I hope we all don't have to discuss something today. I just want to sit there and listen. Hahah.
Wednesday, March 30, 2005 | Yamil - la lenta remix | |
I wonder when I'll make my mark upon this world. I just feel so useless sometimes. I want to be needed. I want to have some purpose in something. I haven't found that yet =/ And I feel like I'm not doing anything to help with that ...
I hate having all this reading to do. Most of this stuff goes over my head. Err.
Things to do tonight:
- Finish reading for AES and make some sense of it
- Read PLKE 51 for lab & do pre-lab
- Start reading chapter 19 in Carey
Tuesday, March 29, 2005 | Frankie J - story of my life | |
"Cada vez que siento que el mundo se me esta cerrando, solo pienso en escaparme del mal. Y cada vez siento que el aire se me esta acabando, solo pienso en volar hasta donde nadie me puede encontrar. "
I think I'm going to hate tuesday & thursday. I had AES 151 in the morning. I didn't realize the class was 1 hr & 50 mins. It such a long class =/ I like my professor though. He's filipino! Hah, never thought I'd see that here @ UW. Interesting class. I'm finishing up some readings for it right now. Then I had an hour break, so I went to go get the reading materials for AES @ the Ave copy center. Man. Hahah, I hate waiting. Long lines suck. Afterwards I had english 198 -- the writing link to AES. I'm now kinda regretting for signing up for that class =/ It's so small that it forces me to participate, which I hate, but I guess it will be good practice for me to get used to talking in front of people. Hah, don't think I'll ever will, but maybe I'll get a little comfortable with it. Hopefully. What a sucky day. Hah. I hate that part of the class. Like our instructor today went to each and every person to see what our opinion was on the article he gave to us the beginning of class. Man. I want to get over this.
Hmm I recognized some people from xanga/facebook who are in my AES/writing link class. Pretty weird to see them in person, hahah.
Monday, March 28, 2005 | Death Cab For Cutie - title and registration | |
Hmm well spring break sucked. I was sick for all of it =(
Today was the first day of spring quarter. It was alright. I had lab lecture and then ochem late lecture @ 6. Having a night class isn't that bad. Tomorrow I have AES & its writing link. Hopefully it'll go by quickly.
Saturday, March 19, 2005 | My Chemical Romance - i'm not okay | |
It's totally not normal for me to be this way. I have to stop doing this. Stop caring so damn much.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005 | My Chemical Romance - i'm not okay | |
It feels so good to be done with everything! Although I think I did bad on my bio final. Oh well. I'm finished though and it great =) I like starting things anew. I'm excited about next quarter ... amazingly.
Today was a little bit better. I could have done differently though.
Monday, March 14, 2005 | Howie Day - collide | |
Every mistake I make GLARES at me. I'm trying to be strong, but sometimes I just can't deal.
I've been thinking and I'm just not proud of myself. I can't seem to think straight whenever we are together. I'm just stating the truth. It's like I'm working on an impulse. I needed that reality check saturday, no matter how hard it was. Usually I'm a sensible person. I just couldn't see it. Someone needed to say something to me.
Ahh. I'm stressing out. Ochem final tomorrow afternoon.
Sunday, March 13, 2005 | The Used - light with the sharpened edge | |
It's not me. Bury wreckage my soul. It's not me, so who am I now?
I found out my GPA for ochem lab tonight. Err it's alright -- not up to par for me though. Dammit.
Good songs I've dl today:
- Jovan feat Loon - need you (sorry I know you HATE Loon ... but the beat is so good)
- LJ feat David Banner - out of control
- Ryan Leslie feat Loon - my woman (sorry again ... hahah)
It's amazing how someone can see you in such a good light. It makes you wonder what they see in you ... while you yourself think you're nowhere near that. It seems as if they're seeing a totally different person. It kind of makes you feel bad -- you want so much to match yourself to their image.
I'm so damn weak. I thought I was stronger than that.
Saturday, March 12, 2005 | The Used - it's hard to say | |
It's hard to say I was wrong. My worries weigh the world how I used to be and everything in cold seems a plague in me. It's hard to say how I feel today. Words that I fear is the lie I told a thousand times before. Words that I fear is the night.
I have never cried this much in awhile.
I wish my parents (mainly my dad) weren't so old fashioned. --
I just really want to make things right from here on. I got this huge lecture from my parents. I've never gotten in trouble before with them -- this is the first time EVER. To see them disappointed ... saying I don't care about them HURT ME ... saying that they don't know me anymore, that they expected more ... saying I don't care about school, when they know that's my number one priority. I have to be honest, the past few weeks I have been a little unfocused, but I'm going to change that. No slacking. No messing around. I want to follow what my parents say. My dad says I'm the last Soriano. He depends on me. To see my dad that mad ... I've seen him like that with my brothers. I never pictured him like that with me. I've always been on good terms with my dad. Now that's different and it hurts me so. I just wish I could take things back. Make myself think twice, even three times about things. It's totally my fault. I SHOULD KNOW BETTER. I feel like I'm a little naive sometimes ... a bit gullible -- my weak points. It's not like me to lie ... hide things. I wish all this confusion ... complexity ... guilt ... would stop. I definitely don't like the person I'm becoming. Like I've said a couple times before, maybe I was made to be alone? All this stuff ... sometimes I think I don't need to deal with it. I've never thought/felt so much in my life. Never felt this bad. Never felt this happy. Two extremes of the spectrum.
Thursday, March 10, 2005 | Justin Timberlake - good foot | |
Ahh, I can't wait till tomorrow =)
I hate talking to my dad about important stuff. He always gets so mad ... I do too. We raise our voices at each other. It's frustrating.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005 | SR-71 - mosquito | |
I have this thing for catchy songs (hahah) no matter how pop-y they sound. I don't care.
I need more caffeine. Finals week coming up. I need to study. Ochem midterm Tuesday afternoon. Bio midterm Wednesday afternoon.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005 | The Used - all that i've got | |
Nice. I updated my spring quarter schedule. I got into chem 242 (which is so incredibly hard to get into) --- thanks Ming for telling me there was a space. Now my schedule doesn't look so empty =/ It looked so nice, but now it's all ... busy.
I've always been independent, not exactly my choice, but I lived with it. I was so negative that I felt I just was made to be alone =/ But ... it's so different to feel like you need someone. It seems as if maybe I'm not being myself because I never saw myself like this at all. I'm just really not used to this yet. It's still catching me off guard.
Monday, March 07, 2005 | Brian McKnight - good enough | |
FINALLY ... I got radio blog to work. It doesn't work on angelfire for some reason, so I just uploaded it to my uw webspace. Enjoy the music =)
It's _______ how someone can see something in you -- something that you don't really think you are or see yourself as. It always surprises you because you know yourself. Never did that thought come across your mind. You can't really get yourself to believe in it no matter how many times it's been said.
Sometimes I really wonder ... if I'm making the right choices ... if I'm following the right path. Everyday it seems as if I'm getting further and further away from my goals. Honestly, it makes me want to give up and just go for something easier. No one wants to set themselves up to fail. I just feel like that'll happen if I continue =/ Hmmm .... damn self doubt.
Sunday, March 06, 2005 | Monica - don't take it personal | |
Hmm, volunteering tomorrow. Bio lecture. Ochem lecture. Ochem midterm. I need to do my notecard tonight. Last time I totally forgot and I had to skip ochem lecture to go buy notecards & write all my notes on it. I'm really hoping I'll do well on this. I didn't go to any of the IC workshops for it =/ Which I kind of regret ... but oh well. I just need to get over the mean. Please ... let me get over the mean. Wish me luck ...
Man, I have not seen that many filipinos in one place before. Hahah. The concert was so crazy -- the beginning anyway. Some people got pretty pissed off about the seating arrangement (or really ... lack thereof). The seats weren't even labeled by the ushers. Just all around crappy organization. Anyways, it was pretty funny to see all the women go gaga over Erik. I mean, he's cute ... but come on. There was this thing he always did though. So cute -- the way he says "I love you too." Oh then Vina Morales. She's so pretty. lol, my mom kept commenting on how flat her stomach was and how you could see her abs. She has some interesting outfit choices.
Friday, March 04, 2005 | Monica - don't take it personal | |
Vina Morales & Erik Santos concert tonight @ Benaroya Hall here in Seattle. I'm excited =) Then I'm going home afterwards. My bro's coming up too so we can all celebrate his b-day. This weekend's going to be nice =)
Thursday, March 03, 2005 | Mary J. Blige - everything | |
Last night was wonderful. It made me so happy =) You never cease to amaze me.
Short day. I woke up late. I seem to be doing that lately because I sleep late =/ It's my fault. I got to the IC late only to find no one in need of help, so I signed out early so I could study for ochem.
NO OCHEM LAB TOMORROW!!!! =) Although I do have to turn in my aldol lab. I'll do it before going to the IC, I guess.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005 | Ginuwine - love you more | |
It was my bro's 25th birthday yesterday. Pretty crazy. My other bro Nick's going to be 28 in April. Damn, hahah, we're all getting OLD.
Again ... it's almost one. I should sleep. I'm not tired though. I always have to force myself to sleep.
Ochem lab tomorrow morning. Bio lecture. Ochem lecture. Ochem workshop @ 5 till 6:30 or 7. Busy day. Studying in between classes hopefully.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005 | Ginuwine - love you more | |
I hate registering for this quarter. I have W, I&S, & VLPA credit to knock off. There are so many options -- Organic Chemistry (Chem 239 - 3), Organic Chemistry Lab (Chem 242 - 3) +:
- Intro to American Ethnic Groups (AES 151 - 5 - I&S) + Writing Link (Engl 198 - 5 - W) = 16 credits
- Intro to Communications II (COM 202 - 5 - VLPA) + Elem Music Theory (Music 116 - 2 - VLPA) = 13 credits
- Survey of Music (Music 120 - 5 - VLPA) + Writing Link (Engl 197 - 5 - W) = 16 credits
- Filipino History (Hist 205 - 5 - I&S) -- it sounded interesting + I don't know what else, probably Music 116 = 13 credits
- Human Sexuality (Psych 210 - 5 - I&S) + I don't know what else, probably Music 116 = 13 credits
Ahhh someone help me choose! =/
It's about 1:30 a.m. right now. I know I should sleep, but I'm not tired. I wish I could have talked to you longer, but you had to go ... I understand that. I hate early classes =/
I'm just wondering if I should skip volunteering to go see my counselor in the morning because I know it'll be busy in the afternoon. I regret not seeing her last week. I had so much in mind that I didn't think of it.
Errr I'm so nervous to get my bio midterm back. I know I didn't do well on it. I'm certain of that. I just don't want to know exactly HOW badly I did. Bio definitely sucks.
Two weeks of school left. Athena said that to me today and I couldn't believe it. I have to study my butt off these next couple weeks. Not only do I have to understand the stuff we're doing now in bio, but also relearn the first half of bio =/ I'm busy as it is. I think I'm going to go crazy these next few weeks. I'm going to cut down the time I spend on the computer and spend that in the library focusing on biology & ochem. Do those stupid study guides I hate and actually read and retain the info. Make up study flash cards for ochem to remember all the reactions and mechanisms. So much stuff to do ... so little time. I need my free time to stay sane. Hmm, how can I handle all this?
I'm going to a concert this friday =) It will be such a good way to end the day after my ochem midterm. It's with Vina Morales and Erik Santos (yes, filipino singers) in Benaroya Hall. Hopefully it'll be fun. The last one on my birthday was.
Saturday, February 26, 2005 | Ginuwine - love you more | |
It's 11:30 right now and you don't know how incredibly bored I am.
I had such a great time this weekend spending time with you =) Your family & friends are so nice. Friday. The drive to Olympia. Meeting your parents, sister & niece. Eating your mom's cooking (reminds me of my mom's). Watching Cursed (really bad movie though). Eating at Applebees. Hanging out playing cards (Texas shootout & Blackjack) till 2 (I think) with your friends. Spending the night @ your house. Saturday. Waking you up early (heh, sorry about that) and sorry about me freaking out about everything. In the end, everything turned out okay =) Eating breakfast with your family. Playing with your niece. Heh, she's so cute. Eating lunch with you and your friends. Karaoke (yeah, thanks again for singing) =) It was cute. Driving me back to Seattle. Every single moment spent with you is great =) I can't wait to see you again ...
Wednesday, February 23, 2005 | Dashboard Confessional - hands down | |
I can't wait till Friday/Saturday =)
*sigh* Why are some things so easy for people and so damn hard for me? How frustrating ...
Tuesday, February 22, 2005 | Westlife - close your eyes | |
Everyone has an ipod. It makes me want one.
*$#*!!! I HATE BIOLOGY!
I'm so depressed right now =(
I love wishingfish.com.
Friday, February 19, 2005 | Sugarcult - hate every beautiful day | |
I don't know. It really hasn't been that long. I just can't believe myself. How I can get so attached to someone that quick, even though I try my best to deny it. I know what you told me, but still. It's like I'm setting myself up for something. You know. I think that's why I am the way I am. Always afraid people will leave me ... if they do get to know the real me -- whoever that is, I don't even know.
It makes me feel so messed up ... lost. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not normally like that. I'm not the go with the flow type person. Think. That's what I do. Plan. That's me. I didn't plan on this, even though it is a really a good thing. It just complicates things a little.
Thursday, February 17, 2005 | K. Young - so happy together | |
I'm so bad with signing my timesheets (in order to get PAID). Everytime I go to the IC to work, I forget =/ Today Scott reminded me about it. 3 timesheets - 2 REALLY late, 1 one day late.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005 | K. Young - so happy together | |
- Do Or Die - holla at your boy (heh, cute song)
- K. Young - so happy together (awesome Turtle's remake)
- Diplomats - i wanna be your lady (Ghostown DJ's - my boo REMAKE)
- Taj Mahal - one more night (samples Mariah Carey - my all -- makes her sound like a chipmunk, still good though)
- Silkk The Shocker - be there (spandau ballet remake)
- Ryan Leslie - used to be
- Frankie J - obsession remix
- Sky Balla - my story
- Miri ben-ari Feat Fabolous, Musiq, & Kanye - fly away
- Ray J - quit actin'
- Yara - that's the way love goes
- Krayzie Bone - that's that bone
Tuesday, February 15, 2005 | Janet Jackson - my baby | |
Thanks so much for yesterday. I loved everything -- your letter, teddy bear + all the other little things. You're too cute sometimes =)
Long day tomorrow. Lab in the morning. Bio lecture. Ochem lecture.
Sunday, February 13, 2005 | Mobb Deep - quiet storm | |
Hmm, I've been neglecting to write ... on purpose =/ What I would like is to be open & honest on here ... but I keep wondering, what would people think of me? So I lost an outlet. Sad. Only space for meaningless stuff. I just don't want to hurt anyone, you know ... by writing. Hmm I just keep thinking about that one scene at the end where Bridget found out that Mark read her diary full of awful things written about him and she goes out in her underwear to go explain it without thinking. It turns out he only went out to buy her a new diary =) Sweet stuff. I only wish ... I also don't want people's opinion of me to change. I don't know why I'm so afraid of that -- disappointment ... shock ... disbelief ... rejection. I shouldn't care, but I do.
Sometimes it feels like I'm totally being unlike myself. All of this is so new to me that it seems like I'm a different person. I know better. I hate hiding. I hate lying. I hate feeling regret =/
Wednesday, February 9, 2005 | Jodeci - freak'n you remix | |
I finally downloaded the right remix. This sounds exactly like Ashanti - tonight (or you). Good beat.
Errr, I feel a sore throat coming on =/
Workshop @ 5 today. Ochem midterm Friday. Crazy. When will I get a break?
Tuesday, February 08, 2005 | Violent Femmes - blister in the sun | |
I need some pissed off music, just something different other than this stuff. It's just not NORMAL. I need to be mad, depressed or something.
Tutoring was awesome. I love it when I can help people and see that look on their face when they get it.
Monday, February 07, 2005 | Tracy Chapman - give me one reason | |
Tutoring in the morning. Bio lecture. Then bio lab - plant intro. I'm getting really sick of my schedule.
Yay, we have a new car =) A 2005 Hyundai elantra (in rally red!). It looks so nice! I can't wait to drive it next weekend.
Hmm I really hope you're not bored with me. Sometimes I think maybe you have this completely different picture/idea of me, like what you see isn't exactly how I picture myself. Maybe you just want the idea of this so much that really you'd pick anyone, so I wonder why me. I don't know. I'm just being weird. For some reason, I've always felt like there's been something wrong with me that just completely turns people off - to have waited this long -- to be this late. It makes me feel so messed up, different or completely weird. Maybe I'm not interesting enough. Maybe I don't do enough or do what other people normally do.
I still can't believe myself. How could I act that way? I know I'm better than that =/ I feel kind of ashamed? You don't even know how bad I felt. It's like I wasn't being me at all. I couldn't even think straight =/
Sunday, February 06, 2005 | Badly Drawn Boy - something to talk about | |
New layout =) I hope everyone likes it as much as I do.
I have a bio midterm tomorrow =/ I really hope I pass it because it just gets really depressing after two quarters of this. I'm going to kill myself if I don't get close to the mean. Hopefully this summary sheet I'm making will help me study tonight.
Thursday, February 03, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Brian McKnight - everytime you go away [Lyrics] |
Yay, just dl the new naruto episode. I hate how they skipped last week.
I don't know. For some reason, I feel like I'm not deserving of all of this.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005 | |
| Listening to: DJ Adam mix demo [Lyrics] |
I NEEEEED to study chapter 13. I'm totally not getting it. I was supposed to have an ochem workshop, but I chose to go to the bio one instead. It was helpful. But I wish I could have been in two places at once. I just hope I get this stuff before the quiz tomorrow.
Hahah, it's so funny during lecture or wherever I am and I hear the dropping of pens or pencils behind me. Sometimes I don't even think about it and I twirl/flip my pencil. But anyways, people always ask me how I do it and they try. "It feels hella good once you get it" Hahah, someone said that -- one of the tutors at the IC saw me and he started trying it. Funny stuff. It's such a simple (STUPID) thing. You don't know how many people I've gotten to do it. They think it's amazing or something, but it really isn't ... once you get it. Hahah, I guess it's something to focus on or do when you don't want to pay attention in class. Pick it up. It makes time fly by in lecture =)
Hmm lab today was alright. I got out early =) But man, Michelle she gets out crazy early and she has lab one hour later than I do! But I guess we're just really careful with things. Hahah, we're so afraid of doing things wrong.
Workshop @ 5 today ... and I'm going to work on lab right after ochem lecture till that workshop. So looks like I won't be back till maybe 6 or 7 =/
Tuesday, February 01, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Calvin Richardson - your love is [Lyrics] |
Today was a good day, I guess. I tutored early in the morning. I came in kind of late though. But yeah, it's really nice to have my regulars. To see familiar faces everytime I tutor is just really comforting, you know? Heh. It's like I'm actually doing something right that they keep coming back to me for help. You know I'm not always eloquent with words, so sometimes I feel like I'm not explaining it well to people. Like ERRR, Monday is such a GREAT example. I had to give orientation a new PACU volunteer. I showed him around and for some reason I couldn't speak correctly. Hahah. I just get that way sometimes when I'm nervous. Like I picture myself speaking and then it just doesn't seem to come out as well as I'd like, you know what I mean? My mind runs faster than my mouth.
Monday, January 31, 2005 | |
| Watching: My So-Called Life [Lyrics] |
WARNING: corny-ness ahead. -- I think it's hard to for me to concentrate sometimes. My mind seems to drift. It's not really a good thing, but it makes me feel better, I guess. To want something for so long and you've waited all this time and it just comes along ... well you just can't believe it sometimes. You want to just hold on to it forever.
I LOVE this show ... really. I especially love that scene in the hallway (I think it's the Self Esteem episode) where Jordan just chooses not to care anymore and walks toward Angela and asks her if she wants to go somewhere. As they walk down the hall, he takes her hand. So cute =)
Tutoring in the morning. Biology. Bio lab -- advising lab (kinda useless), but I still have to go =/
Saturday, January 29, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Jamie Foxx - don't let the sun go down [Lyrics] |
Hmm I have an ochem lab test Monday I should study for, but I certainly don't feel like it tonight =/ I also have stupid bio homework I have to do. Crap and I still have to speak with my professor. I'm so scared to though. She's so intimidating. James ... man, I wish I could be like you. I just need to fix that one part of me =/ If I do, then I think I'd be good from here on ...
Friday, January 28, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Ciara - and i [Lyrics] |
The times that we've spent together have been amazing. You give me something to look forward to. I'm actually doing things that I've always wanted to do and you're right there beside me. I'm grateful for having you, really. Ohh and I'm sorry if I seem stand off-ish at times. That's just in my nature =/
I'm just amazed when someone likes me. Sometimes I think so badly of myself that I believe I'm not worthy of something like that. I don't know. Maybe that's why I just end up liking people that I think I have no chance with ... or breaking it off before anything can start like not showing interest when I actually do. Deep down I guess I'm afraid that maybe one little something about me will turn people away. I just don't want to feel that way ... ever, so I kind of avoid it. That's why I'm closed off.
It's pretty crazy I have to lie about what I'm doing when I talk to my mom. "So what'd you do today?" Me -- "Umm ... nothing." "Did you eat yet?" Me -- "Yep." "What'd you have?" Me -- "Ohhh ... umm I just went to the 8 to get something." ---- hahah convos with my mom start out just like that. I want to tell her the truth, but I'm afraid ... afraid of what she'll say.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Ashanti - you [Lyrics] |
I can't wait till tomorrow =) It's going to be so fun being with you -- movie, gameworks, eat out & then pool @ the HUB. I'm SOOOO going to beat you, heh.
Ahhh, I found My So Called Life episodes on DC++!!! =)
Wednesday, January 26, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Ashanti - u [Lyrics] |
Shoot. I think I forgot to lock my ochem drawer. I hope no one steals my glassware. You see ... when I worry, I forget to do things =/
I love this song -- well maybe only the beat. I know she sampled it. I just forget who was the original =/ A site says it's Jodeci - freak'n you, but I can't find that song =/
Tuesday, January 25, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Taking Back Sunday - your own disaster [Lyrics] |
I feel like crying =/ I received the worst grade ever on a test today, so now I have to see my professor one on one and I'm really nervous/scared about that. What the hell is wrong with me?? Why am I not getting this stuff? It's FRUSTRATING. Biology makes me feel really stupid =/
Volunteering was awesome. I might be doing a transport here and there from now on. Cindy brought it up and I'm open to the idea. Oh and I might be doing orientation for a new volunteer if Emily is busy with transports next week. Interesting stuff.
Tutoring in the morning. Bio lecture. Break. Bio lab. 9-5. I hate tuesdays =/
Sunday, January 23, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Avant - can't wait [Lyrics] |
The things you say sometimes. You always amaze me. How could someone as sweet as you find me ... a person like me? ... but sometimes, I don't know. Am I really all what you say? I wish I could be, but maybe I'm not =/
Busy day tomorrow. Err I'm always busy. I shouldn't complain though. Volunteering @ the medical center in the morning. Biology. 1.5 hour break. Ochem. Ochem lab lecture. 9-4:30.
Saturday, January 22, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Frankie J - wanna know [Lyrics] |
For the first time in my life I can say I have someone -- I'm taken =) Isn't that just crazy? Heh. He's so incredibly sweet, funny, caring, understanding -- really great. And it's amazing he drives all the way up here just to see me ... ME. When I'm with him, I just feel so good inside ... I feel like I can just be myself without having to worry, you know? =)
Busy day tomorrow. Two workshops - ochem & ochem lab. Starting at 1:30 up till 4 or 5. The test friday was easy, but I missed a couple because I couldn't remember the answer or figure out which answer was right. The packet from the IC was exactly like our ochem midterm which was multiple choice, so that was awesome.
Friday, January 20, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Yellowcard - october nights [Lyrics] |
Man I'm so stressed. Ochem lab tomorrow morning. I still have to finish my pre-lab & my lab report. Then I tutor and right after I have my ochem midterm. I'm going crazy.
Thursday, January 19, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Evanesence - my immortal (reggaeton remix)[Lyrics] |
I'm curious about this new starbucks drink called the Chantico. I'm not totally sure they have it in the one on the ave. It sounds interesting -- something new to try, I guess. But holy crap ... a six-ounce cup of Chantico contains 390 calories, 20g of fat and 50g of carbs!
I remember seeing some sort of aquarium store on the ave, like if you go past that filipino restaurant and turn right at the corner it'll be on your left. I need to buy some sort of water pump so I can clean the fish bowl (I feel sad for the fish because the water's getting a little cloudy) and also a small net so I can transfer them to another container.
Hahah ... I bet I can beat the bio people at ochem. It just amazes me how easy it is for them. That's like ochem (or math) for me. Well it's not exactly easy, but I actually get the material. I need to do well on the next tests. It's really going to kill me if I don't.
Monday, January 18, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Billy Crawford - bright lights [Lyrics] |
Ochem lab tomorrow morning. Still have to do my pre-lab & lab write up and I haven't started =/ I guess I'll either stay up or wake up early tomorrow morning, but's going to be hard. Lately I've been kind of waking up maybe 30 minutes or less before I have to leave. Hah, I need to stop doing that.
It's funny when a song's so catchy (popular) that people don't pay attention to the lyrics. Do they know what they're singing or what? Hahah, that's why I think ASAP is so funny.
Ok, that didn't go too well =/ 50 minutes really isn't enough time to finish that whole test. Man, what a crappy day this was. Out of all the classes I have taken here at UW, biology seems to be the only one that makes me feel completely stupid. Just today in lab, I could tell my lab partner was really frustrated with me. I hate it when people get that way with me =/ It's like they don't want to be there, but they have to. Hmm she's nice though. I just wish she was friendlier.
Monday, January 17, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Jojo - happy [Lyrics] |
I have to admit, it's really nice knowing that someone's thinking of you =)
I'm really worried about my bio test tomorrow. I tutor early in the morning, so I won't have time to do some extra studying beforehand =/ I hope there's only 142 students. Man how humiliating was friday??? I wasn't paying attention and they were talking to me. I do that sometimes ... just go blank.
Oh not to mention, I have bio lab after my bio class =/ What a horrible day tomorrow is going to be.
Sunday, January 16, 2005;<;;/div> | |
| Listening to: Petey Pablo - freek-a-leek [Lyrics] |
Ahhh yay!! My digicam is working. I don't know what was up with it. My parents didn't bring it to Kit's Camera like I asked them to. Hahah, it repaired itself, but maybe it was the battery or something. Anyways, I'm going to take extra special care with it now. I don't want it to break again =/
Urgh. I have a bio midterm tuesday and I've been kind of neglecting to study for it =/ It's weird. I study for ochem all the time. Biology is interesting and all, but so hard to understand enough to do well on the test. It's really frustrating.
I can't believe I used to like these old hp computer speakers (you know, the ones that actually came with the monitor). Hah, nothing can beat my apex (is it apex? hah I forgot) speakers + subwoofer. I think it could make anything sound better.
Saturday, January 15, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Tamia - whispers [Lyrics] |
Yay, it snowed here in Oak Harbor! =) It looks so pretty outside.
Am I imagining things? Do I really feel what I'm feeling right now? Or am I just getting caught up in the moment ... the idea of it. I can't make sense of anything and that's driving me crazy.
I think I'm a complicated & messed up person (it seems that way sometimes). Why do you want to be with me? Why me? What's so great about me =/
Friday, January 14, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Nivea Feat Lil Jon - okay
[Lyrics] |
Do you feel like some things are too good to be true? There's the cynical side of me talking. I haven't had many good things happen to me in that department, so it's weird and a little exciting. This is so unlike me, you don't even know. I don't ever take a chance on anyone even when they do show interest =/ I've always been afraid to, so feel special. It's pretty amazing you got that out of me, even though a friend of mine thinks I'm being stupid/crazy because of the short amount of time I've known you. I'm just hoping this will all be worth it -- if not, then there goes another first for me.
Today was alright. I had lab early in the morning - gas chromatography. It's a pretty slow lab. The chromatographer machine moves 1 cm per minute, so it took a REALLY long time to just get three readings. Then our TA had to go and tell us that our peaks were too low and that we had to redo them. It was really frustrating, but thank goodness we finished early (my lab partner and I). It's really nice in ochem. We get to actually choose lab partners unlike in gen chem labs. Anyways, so Ming and I both went to the IC to finish up our lab. Then I had to work right after, but I kind of left a little early because I wasn't feeling the whole situation (I get that way sometimes), but I helped out a couple people with their labs and this guy with chem 142. I love it when I can actually explain stuff to people and then you see this look on their face that shows they actually GET IT. I guess you can say it's ... rewarding? That's what I love about tutoring. Also volunteering, when you feel like your work is being appreciated. You know what I mean? Like last monday they were so busy. A couple people thanked me for just doing the simple tasks around the PACU. Awesome stuff, really. Yep. Anyways, so I had ochem after I tutored. Boring lecture as always. Then back to the IC for an ochem workshop which went well. Then I wanted to finish the lab so I went to Odegaard with Ming. Hmm ... my fridays are always long, but I don't mind. It keeps me busy (in other words not lazy, heh).
Sometimes I just wonder what the hell I'm doing. I'm usually not an impulsive person. I like planning. That's my thing.
Thursday, January 13, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Rufus Wainwright - cigarettes and chocolate milk [Lyrics] |
"... so please be kind if I'm a mess ..." Wow, what a fitting line. -- What the hell is wrong with me? The start of this school year has been so different. Let's just call it "attention." You know how I'm not used to all that, so it's totally awkward when it does happen. I don't want it to be even MORE, so I kind of stray away from it ... even though it might turn out to be amazing. I guess I'll never know. Honestly, I'm just afraid they'll be disappointed because maybe they expect something different ... something I'm not. All this brought up because of one thing. Hah, it's stupid really. "It's not you, it's me." What I say is true though. It's just my thing to think there's always something wrong with me. I don't know why. I can't explain it. Inside though, I want to ... really. I'm just ... messed up ... and I don't think you'd like a person like me.
Tomorrow's ochem lab: gas chromatography. It sounds pretty short (hopefully it will be!). Then I'm free till 2:30 for ochem lecture and a 2 hour ochem workshop @ the IC after that. Hopefully I'll study some bio in between. First exam is on tuesday =/
Work was good. No gen chem students, mainly ochem. However, I was able to help a little and understand at the same time. I actually know now what the molecular orbital diagrams at the end of the chapter mean (HO & LU MO's) and I got a peek @ the quiz questions & answers today. I guess that's one good thing about having quiz section later in the day but SHHHH don't tell anyone. Heh.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Dashboard Confessional - for you to notice [Lyrics] |
Work tomorrow morning @ 9. Then bio ... 1 hour break then ochem quiz section. Urgh.
Anybody watch The Road to Stardom with Missy Elliot? There's this girl on there named Cori (that got kicked off) that looks so much like Kristin Kreuk AKA Lana Lang on Smallville. Here take a look @ her pic. Weird huh? But ahhh ... the rapper with the guitar. Man, he's SOO good. I hope he wins.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Rufus Wainwright - matinee idol [Lyrics] |
I dream/expect too much. It's hard to have this picture formed in your mind, wanting it so badly and then you come back down and disappointment is everywhere. I just hate how it meshes altogether. Sometimes I can't discern the lines of reality and that 'world' I imagine. Mixed up roles ... imagined roles. I can't expect that from people. Sadly, I'm just wanting something that's not there.
Sometimes I just get so frustrated with things. I'm not where I want to be.
Hahah, I know where HE got that song ... FROM ME! =)
I just got done with bio lab. We did a frog dissection, isolated the sciatic nerve and experimented with muscle contraction. It's pretty freaky how it contracts, even on the dissecting tray when you touch the nerve. Hmm ... I need to start really studying for this class. During some parts of the lab, I was completely lost and you know how much I hate asking for help =/
Work went well. All I got were 142 people, so I was pretty happy that I got to help out.
Things to do tonight:
- Do ochem lab write-up
- Read up on ochem
- Do ochem problems
- Study for bio (mainly the labs)
Monday, January 10, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Blink 182 - always [Lyrics] |
I HATE BIOLOGY. Nevermind what I said a week or so ago.
Two hours shouldn't be that bad, hopefully. I'm bringing my old labs & hw, so hopefully that will refresh my memory. I'm afraid I forgot everything.
Urgh. What's up with these peer reviews in biology? It's such crap. Hah, only because I don't SEE anyone in my lab before we actually do have lab. So WTH, how am I going to get that done?
I love this song. The video's awesome too. You should watch it. They do this crazy three-split screen thing. I've never seen a video like it.
Things to do tonight:
**Brush up on gen chem -- SOMEWHAT
**Find gen chem labs & hw
- **Print out gen chem answer key
***Study bio -- SOMEWHAT
***Do frog pre-lab
- Finish ochem problems
- Start reading ochem chap 11
- Start ochem pre-lab
Sunday, January 09, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Blink 182 - always [] |
Oh, I have a new layout in the works. Yes. I've been bored.
I updated my (crazy) schedule with my official tutoring & volunteer times. Blah, I volunteer two hours on monday and work two hours on tuesday, thursday & friday. Overall, I contribute 8 hours of my time a week. Not bad.
With all of this I know now, everything inside my head, it all just goes to show how nothing I know changes me at all. Again I wait for this to change instead to tear the world in two. - B1 all of this
The Incredibles. Little Black Book. Without A Paddle. Surviving Christmas. I LOVE DC++ ... Also the ones I haven't watched but downloaded -- Cellular, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, Wicker Park, Harold & Kumar, The Saw, The Village, Troy, Shaun of the Dead + even more older movies. Hah, I need to make use of my dvd burner soon. I'm running out of space =)
Saturday, January 08, 2005 | |
| Watching: The Incredibles [] |
If you only knew ... If you could understand ...
I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the end, we don't. Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance and in the peace that comes from knowing that you just can't know it all. You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong. -- LBB
Wow, I had the most truly wonderful dream (and no, not in that way). Usually I don't remember my dreams, but I woke up today with it being to vivid in my head. It felt so REAL. Stuff like this keeps me hopeful and I don't think I like that.
A friend of mine wrote this poem yesterday. It's really amazing how other people's words can capture what you're feeling. Sometimes with the way I write or think I can't do that, so I'm always looking ... listening for words, passages, lyrics ... just anything that reflects myself. -- My take on the poem: Maybe you're tired of all these things happening, but you're somehow still hopeful things will be alright ... sometimes too hopeful? that you expect so much. Maybe you're so used to all the changes and confusion that once it's over, you won't know what to do. You want to live in the present, but the past still haunts you and you wonder why ... always why.
Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup. They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe. Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind, possessing and caressing me. Nothing’s gonna change my world - TB
Friday, January 07, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Naughty By Nature - hip hop hooray [Lyrics] |
Hopefully snow tomorrow!
I love simple desktop wallpaper. This is what I have on mine right now. I designed it yesterday.
How'd I ever get this mindset? I'm trying so hard to find a way to get around it because I'll never change. I just need to find some confidence and something that I'm really passionate about. Or more support. I don't think I have much of that. Well, I do, I just don't HEAR much of it from them.
Hmm what I wouldn't do to feel that rush again. Just thinking about it makes me happy. Taking a risk. Doing something that's unlike you. I like people who can get that out of me.
Oh crap. I just remembered I had an appointment for my hepb shot wednesday. I can't believe I missed it. I usually remember those kinds of things.
Thursday, January 06, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Interpol - evil [Lyrics] |
I Y the bass in this song =)
Ahh Neji died =/
I just saw the new trailer for Kingdom of Heaven. Does Orlando Bloom always look that good??
*crosses fingers* I hope it snows soon.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Rufus Wainwright - cigarettes & chocolate milk [Lyrics] |
Rufus Wainwright = really good music/lyrics
PJ Butta does really look like Baby Bash. Hahah. I wonder what it'd be like to look like someone famous. It'd have some good and bad points I guess right?
Hahah. I actually accomplished something today. I went to the IC to sign my timesheets & set up my tutoring schedule. Looks like I'll be working on tuesdays and thursdays in the morning. I need to brush up on gen chem (esp 152 & 162) =/ Why don't I remember that stuff? I did so well in the class.
I'm going to wake up early tomorrow even though I don't have to. My first class is around 11:30, probably going to wake up around 8 something. I'm going to the IC. Yes, to study =/ I have an ochem quiz in the afternoon and Scott may give out a mini workshop if enough people come. The quiz is on chapter 10: alkadienes & allylic systems. Sounds complicated? Kind of, but I'm getting it. I'm just hoping we don't get preparation questions. Then I have to remember to do my prelab & scan it. I hate these stupid chemistry notebooks. Why can't we use just the gen chem carbon copies? Instead of photocopying or xeroxing our assignments everytime. It's just a hassle and a waste of paper.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Rufus Wainwright - imaginary love [Lyrics] |
It's crazy to find out you have things in common with a person that seems so different from yourself. Hmm ... maybe I'm not so weird as I think.
Lab turned out okay. My partner's great. She's from my lab from the past quarter. Urgh. This week's going to suck because I have labs. Today was my first lab. Tomorrow is my 2nd and Friday is my last. I hope this doesn't go on every week. It's a pretty busy schedule for just 12 credits. There are even some CRAZY people who added physics or math to the same exact schedule. Best of luck to them.
Monday, January 03, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Jamelia - numb [Lyrics] |
It's STILL freezing in my dorm =/
My first day was alright. I just had bio, ochem, & ochem lab lecture today. I can't believe tomorrow I have my first bio lab. Then I have labs in the morning on Wednesday & Friday for ochem. What happened to not having labs the first week of the quarter?? Oh man, you know what we're going to do for the first bio lab tomorrow? Dissect a rat. Isn't that crazy? Biology 220 is mainly about physiology of animals and plants, so I think I'll like this class better than 180 & 200. The labs look interesting, except tomorrows, but we'll see how it goes. Maybe it won't be as gross as I imagine it to be.
Sunday, January 02, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Senses Fail - buried a lie [Lyrics] |
It's freezing in my dorm =/
I'm bored ... and I should have gotten my books hours ago, but I didn't want to go alone and now it's dark. Oh well. I'll get them tomorrow. I have to wake up early tomorrow, not because I have an early class, but because I volunteer. I almost forgot. I have to tweak my hours though. I usually volunteer from 10-12, but maybe now 9-11. And I have to stop by the IC to sign my timesheets and set my my tutoring schedule. I actually reviewed chem last night! Hah, I was so proud of myself.
The goldfish look awesome on top of our fridge =) They're so cute ... and expensive. I hope they don't die on us. Oh & I also have a little bonsai tree that my bro gave me for christmas. I hope I don't kill it.
Saturday, January 01, 2005 | |
| Listening to: Razorlight - stumble & fall [Lyrics] |
I keep myself to myself in the crush of the crowd. I get over the breaks and sometimes stumble and fall.
Happy new year! =) I spent it at my "auntie's" again. I guess it's a tradition for my family. We've been doing it for the past couple years. But heh, it was funny. Just a bunch of people eating dinner and then getting drunk. I only stayed there for awhile though because I got bored (I was the youngest one there ...). Good food though -- sushi =) Anyways, I was glad to get out of there, even though I was home alone when the new year came. I was alright though. What's sad was that my bro invited me to a party he was going to DJ. I guess I could have gone, but really ... that isn't my thing.
New year's resolutions (in no particular order) It's long, which is kinda sad:
- Be more thankful for what I have, who I am, and the people I see or talk to everyday. I don't do that enough. I think I focus too much on the negatives that I just can't see what's good is right in front me.
- Be more positive and believe in myself a little more.
- 4.0 my classes - I'm working on my 3rd one =)
- Stop alienating myself - I think I unconsciously do it even though really ... I don't want to.
- Stop caring so damn much.
- Cut down on watching TV (hahah)
- Try not to expect so much of myself (& situations). I'm not perfect and no one is. Making mistakes is alright, as long as I try to learn from them.
- Be more friendly. Make good impressions. Put myself out there, which leads to: make a connection with a UW faculty member.
- Get in the habit of signing my timesheets on time. (I feel kind of bad because Scott had to e-mail me about them during the break. I missed 3 already.)
- Be more organized.
- Get out more.
- Don't procrastinate as much.
Thursday, December 30, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Aimee Mann - save me [Lyrics] |
I was just re-watching Magnolia last night (I haven't seen it in forever) and I forgot this song comes in at the end of the movie. Aimee Mann = amazing. It's so completely perfect. -- You look like a perfect fit for a girl in need of a tourniquette, but can you save me? Come on and save me. If you could save me from the ranks of the freaks who suspect they could never love anyone. Because I can tell you know what it's like. A long farewell of the hunger strike. You struck me dumb, like radium. Like peter pan or superman, you will come to save me. Save me from the ranks of the freaks who suspect they could never love anyone.
I need an rm to mp3 converter. I've been looking everywhere for an unlimited shareware version, but every program I've downloaded has a 30 or 60 second limit. Urgh. I haven't found one yet.
I haven't changed much and I know that BUT sometimes (well most of the time) I feel like I want to do something ... drastic just to get out of the mold and surprise everyone. I think I have become accustomed to everything, like it's what I know and I don't know how else to act. I am in need of a change, but I just can't get myself to do it.
My bro sent me this link. It's kind of scary.
Saturday, December 25, 2004 | |
| Listening to: The cure - lullaby [Lyrics] |
Merry Christmas everyone =) <br>
Tuesday, December 21, 2004 | |
| Listening to: The Jealous Sound - anxious arms [Lyrics] |
There was a [girl] making a plan: find a [guy], [he]'d understand and say, "Please don't worry." And I will be anxious arms.
I hate how I experienced things late in life. It's like I'm behind on things. I don't know. Maybe I've held back? Do you ever feel like you're willing to do anything, but somehow ... just somehow you think twice and miss out? =/
I really have to accept the fact that I'll always be/feel different. It's kind of crazy I'm still feeling this way. I thought I'd grow out of it, maybe. I just wanted to find my place and it didn't seem to be anywhere. I guess I'm still doing that -- trying find where I belong and figure out what I'm made to do.
I try to find reasons behind everything, but maybe some things just happen. There is no why.
Ohh yeah ... who is KAZAA??? Weird.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Gwen Stefani - cool [Lyrics] |
I am so incredibly thankful for Ming! Thanks for telling me there were openings for ochem. I got my ultimate schedule =) It's not like I'll be any less busy, but hey at least I don't have labs three days in a row right? That would have sucked. I'll post my NEW schedule up sometime tomorrow.
WTH. Which is it? I want to know. I hate being in the dark.
Dammit, how hard is it to ask? I'm always afraid to. It took me awhile to get the courage to and then I just said forget about it. Ahh what is wrong with me?
I really complicate things for myself, don't I?
Ahh my new wireless keyboard & optical mouse is so nice. Hah. Another early christmas present.
Hmm. I got another 4.0 in classics and a 3.7 in ochem. I got a 3.7 because of the stupid mistake I made. I'm still pissed about not doing that. I didn't read the stupid instructions correctly. I could have 4.0'ed that class, but oh well. A 3.7 isn't TOO bad. Then the SHOCKER, I did horrible in bio again. On the other hand, I'm so happy that I passed, but still. I'm really disappointed. The tests are so difficult and there are some superstar bio people in my class. It sucks. It's just bio that's bringing my GPA down. I'm just hoping next quarter I can do better. 220 please let me show improvement!
Monday, December 20, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Mario - let me love you [Lyrics] |
Stupid drive still isn't working. I've tried everything =/
Hmm I hate waiting. The post office was really busy, so we went to the new Market Place to send packages. I really didn't know sending stuff was that expensive.
Friday, December 17, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Snow Patrol - spitting games live [Lyrics] |
You leave me numb and I'm not sure why. I find it easier to sit and stare, than push my limbs out to you right there. My heart is bursting in your perfect eyes as blue as oceans and as pure as skies.
I struggle for the words, but then give up. My head is up with the birds on the t-hut. A little piece of mind that I know better that the plain disgrace of all my letters.
But after that the floodgates opened up and I fell in love with everyone I saw. Please take your time I'm not in any rush and its in everything I ever write.
Its not as if I need the extra weight. Confused enough by life, so thanks a lot. Lonely written words for company. Just raise the roof this once and follow me.
Sometimes I think being at home is not such a good idea. It just reminds me of how much it bugs me that my mom complains a lot. I don't like it when I have to walk on eggshells when I'm around her. I bring up one thing that she's pissed about and it triggers her to just talk crap. I get sick of it. Sometimes I feel bad for my dad because he has to deal with it most of the time. It's like she has to bring down people around her if she's not happy. You know I love my mom, but she really has to change. Not only does she complain, she does it outloud and she does not care if you hear what she's saying (even if it's about you). It seems like she's pissed all the time =/
Hmm. This is really frustrating. It turns out only my new drive works and not my old one. I've been trying so many things, but still no luck. I need to call my bro.
Friday, December 17, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Jewel - hands [Lyrics] |
Angelfire is being a butthead. I've written entries and I keep saving, but it ends up as an error. I just hope this one works.
Okay. Enough procrastinating with my research proposal. I need to send it in tonight.
I installed my dvd burner with the help of my computer genius bro Nick. Man. I learned one thing last night. No magnetized screw drivers. I almost killed my computer! But the whole thing was pretty easy. I just had to change the slave-master thing in the back of the drives, screw them in, and plug in the power and ribbon cables =)
Thursday, December 16, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Lemar - vertigo [Lyrics] |
The jungle is your head. Can’t rule your heart. A feeling is so much stronger than a thought. Your eyes are wide and though your soul it can’t be bought your mind can wander. I’m at a place called vertigo. It’s everything I wish I didn’t know.
I'm back at home. It's really nice. I got my DVD burner! Now I just need to find out how to install it. I tried calling my bro who is the ultimate computer expert but he's not home. Hah, I'm very impatient. I really want to try it out.
Wednesday, December 13, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Jet - look what you've done [Lyrics] |
Oh, look what you've done. You've made a fool of everyone. Oh well, it seems likes such fun until you lose what you had won.
Ahh. I'm freaking out. Wish me luck tomorrow everyone. I'm praying I'll at least pass the class =/
I can't wait till tomorrow afternoon, even though I think I'll bomb my bio final ... like I did last quarter during the summer. But I'll be going home. I need that comfort. I don't have that here. But of course, I still have some work to do when I get home -- my research proposal. I'll just have to e-mail it in that night or the next morning.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004 | |
| Listening to: American Football - but the regrets are killing me [Lyrics] |
Hmm my goal for tomorrow: study for bio all day
Do you ever feel like everything around you is crumbling? Nothing seems to go the way I expect it to. It's just a hard blow to my confidence -- the small amount that I had. I don't think I'll ever be happy with the things I do ... It's really sad.
I need something to cheer me up. Just now I bought something online (not for myself) for my mom. I love giving presents.
Isn't that how you break through the surface? Just get all the meaningless crap out of the way? But hmm what do I know.
Hmm how am I not supposed to take offense to that? Now I just don't give a crap. It makes me sad believing most people are ultimately 'good' (for lack of a better word right now). I believe in seeing the best in people and when I see something different, it's really ... surprising? (Urgh, how come I can't find the right words to describe how I feel right now?) Do I have high expectations? Do I somehow see something in people that's not really there at all? Ahh I have to stop doing this. I really don't know. I have no knowledge. I just take whatever happens and go with it. I'm writing about nothing. How sad ... and confusing.
DAMMIT. How freaking confusing was the ochem instructions for the final??? Was it just me or what? My friend was also misinformed me about it, but she was lucky. She realized it RIGHT BEFORE she turned it in. I feel totally stupid for not reading them thoroughly. Thanks to that I've missed 20 points already and I know I didn't get a perfect score. I was so pulling for a 4.0 in ochem. Now I'll maybe get like a 3.5 or hell even lower, who knows. DAMMIT. I'm so mad at myself and what's sad is that I feel like crying about it. Yeah, I'm really pathetic. I ALREADY have one BLEMISH on my academic record here @ UW (STUPID BIO 180) and this quarter may put two more on it. There goes my chances of getting into medical school. Who can take all these things?? Shit. It's driving me completely crazy -- wanting to have such a perfect record. It's really frustrating. I'm hard enough on myself, but trying to fulfill the requirements of other people is TOUGH. You feel like you HAVE to do this or else and you feel really disappointed when you don't ... like now. I feel totally crappy. Watch me kill myself or something if I don't get into medical school. Okay maybe not, I'm not that selfish, but maybe I'll be close to my breaking point. *sigh* I don't know what I'm saying. Ignore the previous few sentences. Urgh.
Wow. I woke up early (@ 4). I meant to wake up at 3 to study, but I needed that one more hour of sleep. I even thought of not sleeping last night, but I was too tired to do that. Hmm, somehow spring quarter I functioned on 3 or less hours of sleep on some days. That was pretty crazy now that I look at it. Anyways, I better get some last minute cramming done. WISH ME LUCK! -- two finals in a row =(
Monday, December 13, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Phantom Planet - winter wonderland [Lyrics] |
It's sad. I didn't even eat that much today because I'm so nervous. Even Athena could tell you I've been out of it for the past week or so (even today on the ave). I keep blanking out. I always get this way. All I had was a few japanese crackers & a peppermint mocha from Starbucks. I bought stuff from the ave and I don't even feel like eating it. I should eat something or else I'll be really hungry tomorrow because I know I'll definitely won't eat anything tomorrow till dinner. Blah. See what finals week does to me?? Dammit. It messes up my appetite.
Ahh crap ... enough with this happy stuff. I'm trying to keep myself calm though all this, but it's not helping. I'm already so nervous.
Yay. Christmas music. I love the "funky" part to this song near the beginning (about 45 seconds in). You should dl it.
I'm so freaked out about tomorrow. Two finals in a row! Oh man. I'm worried about forgetting everything after the first one.
Sunday, December 12, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Death Cab For Cutie - title and registration [Lyrics] |
And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide lying awake at night ... Ahhh, I love lyrics.
OMG, how sweet is this guy (hahah, I wish this was about me):
"Think of the crushes you've had in the past. Isn't it true that, more often than not, they come and go without much emotional investment? You wish something could've happened between you and her, but it just never worked out for whatever reason.
Not very often, but once in a while, there's someone who comes walking into your life that makes you forget all the other insignificant crushes that came before. It rarely happens, but when it does, you know instantly that this collision is some kind of wonderful. She is above and beyond all the others you've been attracted to. You can see yourself potentially loving her with everything you've got, because right now, you're not attracted to just one or two aspects of her personality, but everything about her, her whole person.
You love seeing her in her everyday element, how she makes you feel when you're with her, how she understands your humor, how she laughs at the random things you say.
You wonder why you think of her so often, what she might be doing... if, maybe, thoughts of you crossed her mind since the last time you talked, if she thinks of you as often as you think of her.
You laugh at the fact that you consider yourself a writer, but you're unable to capture her in words. You come to realize she transcends all description, because what she's beginning to mean to you is deeper than you can even explain to yourself.
Maybe you've known her a month, maybe you've only been friends for a week, but you feel something with her that you don't normally feel... almost like you're twice alive. The grayest overcast sky is brighter than you've ever seen, the rain seems romantic (you've ALWAYS hated rain), and simply having her in your life makes every little thing so much more miraculous.
Corny?
Perhaps, but regardless, it's happening and you're analyzing it to no end and you're not exactly sure why. Mostly, it's the simple things that get to you. The way she looks at you one last time before she closes the car door when you drop her off at her apartment, the smile that breaks upon her lips when you both make eye contact, how she walks close enough so her shoulder is always brushing your arm. It's always the little things. Ironically, it's also the little things that make the biggest difference; it's what sets her apart from everyone else that came before her.
It also might be timing, luck, maybe a little bit of prayer. Everything feels SO right, that you can't help but think Someone up there must really like you. The part you're most worried about is, will THIS be the one that plays out? After all, this is the one you really, really want.
If I could ask for ANYTHING this Christmas, she would be it."
Saturday, December 11, 2004 | |
| Listening to: VA - santa baby [Lyrics] |
Yeah, I'm stupid AND confused ... I can't wait for finals to be over.
Keane is so great --- I walked across an empty land. I knew the pathway like the back of my hand. I felt the earth beneath my feet, sat by the river and it made me complete. Oh simple thing where have you gone? I'm getting old and I need something to rely on, so tell me when you're gonna let me in. I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin. I came across a fallen tree. I felt the branches of it looking at me. Is this the place we used to love? Is this the place that I've been dreaming of? If you have a minute why don't we go talk about it somewhere only we know? This could be the end of everything, so why don't we go somewhere only we know?
It's funny looking at the little lines displayed from my site on search engines e.g. "take a FREAKING chance Kathryn." How funny. I wonder what people think when they read that.
Hmm who keeps searching for my site? Do you not have me listed on your favorites or something? Press ALT + A, then press ENTER twice. There you go =) I'm on your favorites. Now you don't have to search anymore because honestly, that makes me really paranoid. Hahah.
Friday, December 10, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Postal Service - there's never enough time [Lyrics] |
In due time, we'll finally see there's barely time for us to breathe.
Awww don't you just love Dashboard Confessional?? Their lyrics just amaze me. -- I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head where I would impress you with every single word I said. It would come out insightful, or brave, or smooth, or charming and you'd want to call me. And I would be there every time you need me. I'd be there every time, but for now I'll look so longingly waiting for you to want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me.
Random things I've been noticing: This one girl in my biology class reminds me so much of Rock Lee (heh). I don't know if it's the hair or what, but she does. -- Whenever I go by the UW medical center, I see animal activists protesting.
What I want for Christmas: 1) DVD Burner + DVD-R's 2) Black cordless keyboard & mouse (Hopefully??) 3) New digicam (hahah, I'm in no way getting this but I can dream). I don't ask for much @ xmas, so just these few things will make me happy.
My schedule for today: 8:30-9:15 - ochem class, 9:30-12 - hardcore studying (errr, skip work??), 12:30-1:20 - bio class, 1:30-4 - hardcore studying, 4:30-6 - ochem IC workshop, 6:30-sleep - hardcore studying.
Hmm have I mentioned I'm stressing out about my finals?? I two finals in one day, one right after the other, each two hours long. Ahh. At least it isn't as crazy as my summer finals right? I had all three in one day.
Thursday, December 09, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Snow Patrol - spitting games [Lyrics] |
I'm FREAKING out! One word -- finals =(
Sometimes I just wish I could get inside a person's head and know what they're thinking.
Yeah I love this song and I guess by reading the lyrics people will know the reason. Hmm that & Dashboard Confessionals - for you to notice.
I'm feel so ... messed up. I always have to think there's something wrong with me, don't I?
Tutoring is getting to be ... un-enjoyable. I just feel all uncomfortable now. Well, more than usual. All the confidence I had in knowing gen chem just went out the window.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004 | |
| Listening to: The Get Up Kids - out of reach [Lyrics] |
Hah. I'm so pathetic. I keep doing the same old stuff. Nothing's changed ... not much anyway.
I don't want to think. No naming because I don't even know.
I can't believe finals are so soon. I have my ochem & classics on Tuesday and my bio on Thursday. Then I have my research proposal (6 pages minimum, single spaced) due the 17th or anytime before that. I haven't even studied yet for bio - yeah, I'm so bad with that. And I've been studying like CRAZY for ochem. I was talking with Athena yesterday about finals and I realized that my ochem final is 50% of my grade. FIFTY PERCENT! How could I forget about that?
Tuesday, December 07, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Bright Eyes - lover i don't have to love [Lyrics] |
Hmmm ... yeah I don't know. Why?? I began to forget.
I want it to SNOW!! Does anyone else? I remembered when it snowed last year. We got out of classes! Ohh and the campus looked really pretty. Hahah. Dammit Cirel! Send your Nevada snow over here.
I feel naked without my digicam. It's not like I take that many pictures, but I take it with me everywhere just in case a photo-op comes along. It's at home right now probably sitting on a table broken and hasn't been taken to the repair shop. I keep forgetting to remind my parents.
Everytime I'm happy or in a good mood, I wonder why. Isn't that sad? It feels like I shouldn't be.
Hmm I guess in a way I could relate - not so much literally though. Everyone goes through a time when they are just so sick being hurt. Not like anyone has really hurt me in that way though - I'm kind of the opposite of this song.
Ahh! I got over the mean for bio on my last quiz. I was so surprised.
I can't believe we only have this week of school then finals. Crap. This quarter went by quickly.
Monday, December 06, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Saves The Day - freakish [Lyrics] |
Bright Eyes is some depressing music ... depressing but really good. The way the lead singer's voice trembles just gets to me, especially on 'no lies, just love.' It's like he's about to cry. This is truly sad stuff. It almost makes me cry. Just lately I've been feeling
like I don't belong, like the ground's not mine to walk upon ... I sat watching a flower as it was withering. I was embarrased by it's honesty, so I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face, not this fucking wreck that's taken it's place so please forgive what I have done. No you can't stay mad at the setting sun. We all get tired I mean eventually. There's nothing left to do but sleep but spring came bearing sunlight, those persuasive rays so I gave myself a few more days ... I hope that womb's not too warm cause it's cold out here and it'll be quite a shock to breathe this air, to discover loss. So I'd like to make some changes before you arrive. So when your new eyes meet mine, they won't see no lies. Just love. JUST LOVE. I will be PURE LIKE SNOW, LIKE GOLD.
It's funny I have this really good memory with music/lyrics. Most times I can recognize lyrics and name the song/artist or even sampled beats on songs. Just thinking ... only if I had that for bio. I'd be SET. Life would be good. Hahah.
As I'm talking my words slip to the floor and they crawl through your legs and slide under the back door rendering me freakish and dazed. Well here I am. Don't know how to say this. Only thing I know is awkward silence. Your eyelids close when you're around me to shut me out.
It feels like I'm not serious about school. I know at least one person who would say I was completely crazy, but that's how I feel. I'm trying as hard as I can my way and still it's seems like I'm not even up to par. Notice how I included 'my way.' I know I'm not being totally serious and I'm not doing anything about it. This all goes back to stuff I'm dealing with -- stuff I really need to let go of. Why can't I just let myself? I'm really stupid ... for letting opportunities like these fly by. I'm the FIRST. That should be reason enough.
How can you be something different when you're SO used to being a certain way? I know it hasn't worked for me all this time AT ALL. Wouldn't that be a catalyst for something? Ohhh no, not for me. It's so freaking frustrating. What the hell is holding be back? WTF made me this way?
Volunteering was pretty cool. I met my supervisor and everything. I worked with both of the HA's on site, who are so nice and understanding. Even though I'm doing the little tasks, I'm really happy to be there. Cleaning beds. Wiping down EKG cables. Cleaning up each area. Stocking. Making beds. Stuffing pillows. Transporting beds. It's like I feel important there.
Sunday, December 05, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Senses Fail - one eight seven [Lyrics] |
I start volunteering tomorrow @ 10. Honestly, it's really making me feel uneasy right now thinking about it. As much as I am excited to help out, I'm completely nervous =/ And I really hate it when I get this way.
Sometimes I just have to take a minute, breathe and realize where I am and what I'm doing. I seem to want to forget and not think about ANYTHING. Maybe that's why things hit me so hard. I know it's really bad to say this, but sometimes I just don't want to be me. I don't want to be scared, nervous, sad, empty, & _____ all the time. Who wants to feel that way? I just get so tired of it. I want to feel something different ... when will I feel different.
I'm really sorry to all the Firefox users who come to my site. It turns out that the music on my page automatically starts. You know how much I HATE that, but I don't know how to fix it =/ Is it just a Firefox thing? Maybe I'll just take it off permanently.
Saturday, December 04, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Keane - with or without you [Lyrics] |
Ok. I put up downloads for people since I've been getting a lot of hits for it. This time it'll stay up for more than a day. Download while it's still up. I think they expire after a week or after so many dls. Leave a message if you can, please.
Yeah. I didn't accomplish anything today. I wasn't in an organizing mood. Maybe tomorrow.
Do you ever feel like something is holding you back???
I HATE MYSELF ... there must be something wrong with me.
This place is so empty. My thoughts are so tempting. I don't know how it got so bad. Sometimes it's so crazy but nothing can save me but it's the only thing that I have.
The effort. I really wish I could just feel something.
I've been trying to find the title of an old disney channel show. It's set in the south and features this girl and her family. She's always ashamed of her mom because she does these weird things to make ends meet. But yeah, I remember she always talked to the man on the moon at the end of the show. She would sit near her window and just talk about whatever's going on with her. Anyone remember that show??
Friday, December 03, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Silverchair - ana's song [Lyrics] |
Goals for tomorrow: 1)Organize all my stuff 2)Do laundry 3)Review some general chem & look over labs 4)Study for bio/classics/ochem
Wow. I really haven't changed at all huh?? I'm living in the past. I can't let go. What's so wrong with change? Why am I not comfortable with it? I wish I could be the type of person who adapts just like that, but I'm not. I'm the type of person who doesn't know what the hell to do when something happens. I'm a person who PLANS ahead of time. Urgh, it just makes me sooooo uneasy.
I love the Jo Whiley show in BBC Radio. Artists that come on there usually do covers that are SO AMAZING. The two latest have been U2 covers. They're great. Keane did a cover of "with or without you" -- the only U2 song that ever got into. The other cover is "vertigo" -- a recent single of U2's I think -- which was sung by Lemar, who btw previously did a cover of The Darkness "I believe in a thing called love." That's another awesome cover. Urgh. I wish they'd post mp3s of the songs. I always have to record it off their site and convert the files myself.
I can remember the exact time. It seems like it was just yesterday.
Again, I don't feel like going. What is up with me?? =/
Thursday, December 02, 2004 | |
| Listening to: My Chemical Romance - i'm not okay [Lyrics] |
Ahh. The O.C. tonight was so cute =) But I think Ryan & Marissa and Seth & Summer still belong together.
Yay, I ordered my dvd burner already - hahah, early christmas present from my mom =) I just wonder how I'll install it into my computer. I've never messed around with all the cables inside before. I left that to my bro Nick who's the pro, but he's not here. OOOOH yeah! Guess what?? He got stationed here in WA, so he'll be close now =) I think it's just a 30 minute drive from here. They'll be moving here in June. Hahah, my mom was so happy to hear that. She loves seeing my nephew & niece ... like it was sad when they visited here and left a couple months back. She cried! I was like "aww mom. You'll get to see them soon." And then all this has happened =) It's pretty awesome.
I'm going to be completely honest, just to explain myself:
I seem to write about a lot of personal stuff on here -- mostly what's going on in my head than in my life. I don't know if people appreciate that. Maybe you're sick of reading all these emo entries about what's bothering me. It's so hard to think that people are reading your deepest darkest thoughts especially the ones that actually know me (or of me) offline. I don't even know everyone who regularly comes to my site, but I know I do get some regulars and that's comforting to me. It makes me feel good that what I write on here actually gets some people to come back. (Thanks to those people, btw, heh whoever you are). For a long time, I wanted this to be hidden from people. I didn't want people to know what I was thinking. That made me what to hide things and not be completely honest like I am right now. I admit I still hide things here and there just so I won't reveal something stupid or something that'll potentially hurt someone. But I've realized this is good for me, even though it still kills me that people I know (and don't know) know what I'm feeling. I don't know if people are surprised to read the things I say, because maybe they don't expect that? I know I don't show/do/say much when I'm with people, but just letting whoever reads this know that this is really my only outlet for whatever's going on with me. Like I said, I don't show/do/say much and keep things to myself most of the time. This is kind of corny, but I don't know where I would be if I didn't have this -- not just all the writing, but to have my own thing I can show -- something that lets me display my creativity -- something that lets me show people there's more to me than just '______ Kathryn' that everyone sees.
Ahh I'm in need of some loud, MAD sounding music right now.
Today was just a bad day. I really didn't feel like tutoring, but I went anyway and helped out a couple people. After all my "regulars" left, I felt completely USELESS, so I signed out an hour earlier than I had planned. I hate feeling like no one notices you're there. That just really gets to me. The thought of it is really distracting. It's making me not want to do something I like doing. See ... I'd rather miss out than feel crappy like that.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Josh Groban - my december [] |
I love talking about things I wouldn't usually talk about with a person. It feels nice getting everything out there and letting that person know you. I don't usually open up, so it's a good change. I kind of feel special whenever I talk to this person. Heh, that's a real compliment. You're awesome =)
I love the description of this group (I Live and Breathe Music!) on thefacebook. "emo screamo indie rap hiphop r&b heavymetal rock acoustic folk country (maybe not country) alternative thrash punk techno trance oldies classic rock classical pop blues jazz. If you find yourself constantly listening to music and having orgasms simultaneously, this is your group." Hahah, that's so me. I get so giddy when I find good music ... for real.
I'm oblivious to signals. It's sad.
My ochem wasn't too bad. The last page was killer though, the last last problem in particular. He just listed the reactants and products and you had to write down the mechanisms for the reaction. For some people though (like me, hahah), this test didn't really matter. You drop one of the lowest midterm grades anyway.
I wish I could find something I'm passionate about: something that I don't think I'll hold back doing, something that I feel I can do, something where I don't compare myself to others, something that others feel I can do.
One moment I'm into the idea of something. The chance of it happening gave me hope, even if it was just really nothing. I picture these sort of things in my head. I expect it to happen that way, or at least I hope that they do. Then it happens or it doesn't happen at all. Sometimes I think it would just be best for me not to care. It would really save me from disappointment.
Hmmm don't you just like how vague I am on my entries? =)
It aired! Thanks Irene for telling me about it. Hahah, remember the time I said I saw Suchin Pak on campus?? Well, she was conducting interviews for Fight For Your Rights: Protect Yourself. It makes me wonder why MTV chose UW. Yeah, it is pretty here, but I'm thinking of other reasons. I recognized people who were on there and I just wonder. I don't know. It's just weird for me because I'm not. I'm far from that and I'm planning to be for a LONG time. But these people. They are all sharing their experiences. It was SO weird. It's like I'm living in this little bubble or something. Or maybe I just don't choose to see that that is really going on around here.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Sum 41 - pieces [Lyrics] |
Urgh. Ochem 237 midterm & biology 200 quiz tomorrow. How much does that suck? I don't even think I'm ready, which is why I'll be spending most of my time today in the library studying.
Monday, November 29, 2004 | |
| Listening to: The Notwist - consequence [Lyrics] |
Aww, I'm so distracted by the Facebook! I should be studying for classics. Hah.
I totally forgot about my research thing next quarter. How am I going to fit that into my schedule? Crap.
Yay, I'm an OFFICIAL volunteer! It's sad I couldn't start today, but I start next week. I have my badge and everything. Yay. I actually got something done today =) And now I'm off to Suzzallo to do some hardcore ochem/classics/bio studying.
Sunday, November 28, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Ciara - 1,2 step [Lyrics] |
I'm not afraid of anything. I just need to know that I can breathe. And I don't need much of anything but suddenly suddenly. I am small and the world is big. All around me is fast moving. Surrounded by so many things ... suddenly suddenly. I am young and I am free, but I get tired and I get weak. I get lost and I can't sleep, but suddenly suddenly. How does it feel to be different from me? Are we the same? How does it feel? You're different from me. Different.
Hmm, I turn to lyrics to explain how I'm feeling because I just can't find the right words sometimes.
I just seem to be the only one that shows it. Isn't that sad? All these other people have things in their life that occupy that space. They have their own things. Sometimes it seems petty to me though. It's like they're hiding something or trying to impress someone by putting up this front that everything's cool. No one's that fine all the time.
Man. I've been studying ochem all day and I still don't have a handle on all the mechanisms yet. My test is on Wednesday! Ahh. Not to mention my bio quiz too. Then stupid classics Tuesday. I keep forgetting to study for that class since I only have it twice a week. SOOO much to do. Man, if I don't show some improvement for bio, I'm really screwed for med school. Crap, one bad grade. Maybe two after this quarter. I THOUGHT I was smart. Now I just feel like a total idiot.
Hmm ... I might be I am the biggest dork ever.
Oooo if you haven't downloaded the new Jay-Z & Linkin Park cd - Collision Course, you should. It's good.
Dammit, hahah. The new roads before/after Dugualla Bay confused me (and this was as NIGHT!!) I was driving and I haven't been home for awhile so I didn't know and no one told me about it. I was like wth. There's the whole turning lane (which is straight on if you don't turn a little to the right) and the two lanes coming back. So weird.
I think my thanksgiving would be completely boring if I compared it to other people's, but I enjoyed it, I guess. My parents asked me if I wanted to spend it in Silverdale at my ninong's, but I decided not to. I'd love to see my ninong and hang out with all my "cousins," but ehhh, I wasn't feeling it. I know there would be one person there that would make just the whole thing uncomfortable. Blah. So it was just me and the family at home -- hah my small family. My bro came down, which was nice. I always like spending time with him, even though like I said before, we're so completely different. He's always asking me to go hang out with him at these parties. Hahah, me @ parties. Can you picture that? Hahah. Anyways, yeah ... my break consisted of lots of shopping and watching movies. It was alright. It kind of felt like it was missing something though. And now I'm sitting here in my dorm. I got here around 12:30 and I'm completely bored. Oh & surprisingly Athena's not here. She usually comes back saturday.
Note to self: download songs off "Bridget Jones's Diary: The Edge of Reason," "Home at the End of the World," & "Sleepover" OST's.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004 | |
| Watching: Love Actually [] |
This movie always makes me smile =)
I have my orientation at the UW Medical Center today @ 2:30. I hope it's not too long or boring. At least I don't have to do the escort training afterwards, which I'm SO happy about. Escorting people -- how boring is that. Although I might have to if I want that OR (operating room) position.
Monday, November 22, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Armor for Sleep - kind of perfect [Lyrics] |
It's really hard to explain yourself to someone who doesn't understand a part of you.
Can I be just something somewhere in your room? But you won't notice. Maybe I'll be paper or books thrown on your floor. Move me when you want to. I'll lay where you put me - in your VCR if I become a cassette or on top of your computer if that's where I would fit. Then so be it, but things can't be perfect all the time. That I know. Sometimes we just have to let some things go. I will not say one word. I'll just hang around. I won't annoy you at all. When you move out, I'll stay until I'm thrown away but then it won't matter. I promise to stop now. Letting go is my life. I'll be on my way.
DAMN IUPAC, substitutive & functional RULES -- I hate naming chemical compounds.
Share your stuff on DC++ or else I won't let you download from me.
Aww cute Napoleon Dynamite shirt.
Urgh. Today was the first day I skipped bio ... not intentially though. I'm just wondering who I'll get the notes from or maybe I'll go to the library to watch the lecture tomorrow or wednesday. I was so freaking tired this morning. I slept later than usual, so I took a nap after my morning class and I woke up at 12:25. I'm like sh*t. I didn't mean to skip. I usually NEVER skip because then I'll have to go through all this trouble to get the notes and everything. URGH.
Ahh crap. I should really stop mentioning people's names on here. Someone's been searching =/ And what's up with these weird searches lately?? My site came up when someone typed in "Chloroseptic and sex." Then there's the name thing ... which makes me really paranoid.
Sunday, November 21, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Snoop Dogg - drop it like it's hot (lil jon remix)[Lyrics] |
What? I'm a dress person? No way. You'll rarely see me in a dress. People are always surprised when they see me in one. Hahah.
Oh man. Look at how crazy my schedule next quarter is going to be. The yellow class I want to drop and get the uncolored block class (color is the same as the bg), so I don't have the late section. But still ... ahh, I'm just getting tired looking at it. I might change my tutoring/volunteering hours to later in the day.
I love the bass in this song. It sounds so good with my subwoofer =) I love that thing. Hahah, I probably bother my neighbors with it.
I LOVE weekends =)
What was I thinking? As I look back, it seems kind of silly. I was making something out of NOTHING. That was it.
Friday, November 20, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Ryan Cabrera - true [Lyrics] |
It's so weird Zach Braff has a blog ... a real blog (thanks Irene for the link =D ). It makes him seem more down to earth than most celebrities ... approachable even, if you saw him somewhere.
Sometimes I wish I was more creative ... or more into design.
Aww. My digital cam is broken. I don't even use it that much and it's like this =( Hopefully I can get it fixed over the break.
Wow, it's so pathetic being this paranoid.
Friday, November 19, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Gwen Stefani - serious [Lyrics] |
Okay. New layout up =) It's pretty different in terms of colors. I've never used shades of red before on a layout. The "images" were made some time ago. The red one came when I was really sad and pissed off at the same time. You can actually read some of the words and others are really hiddden -- on purpose. Anyways, I put up most of my previous entries. I'm too lazy to change all the headings to the new ones I have, but I'll do that later.
I feel like such a bad tutor. I try my best to help, but then they ask Scott and correct the mistakes I made. Some just don't even ask me. They wait to ask some other person. Maybe if I get more practice or something. Sometimes I feel stupid in there.
I got my bio midterm back today. I got below the mean =( I suck at bio for real.
Wednesday, November 17, 2004 | |
| Listening to: Radiohead - creep(acoustic) [Lyrics] |
Man. I just want to scream like they did on Garden State or how Marissa did on The O.C.. Let go of all my frustration. Maybe I should take up boxing. Pent up rage. Hahah, our floor actually had this Healthy Haggett meeting where they had a punching bag. I should have went. Hmm, I bet no one has ever heard me yell before or even seen me pissed off.
Dammit. My digital cam is broken =(
Sometimes I think I'm content with just shutting out the world.
What a wack pattern. Just about every person who I felt close to has moved or left me somehow. I don't know. Maybe that's why *I* don't try to get close to people (I actually wait for them to do that). Deep down maybe I'm scared they'll leave, so trying is useless.
"You changed my life and I've only known you for four days." Zach Braff is amazing. Garden State was such a beautiful movie.
Are you in or are you out? Leave your things behind 'cause it's all going off without you. Excuse me too busy, you're writing your tragedy. These mishaps. You bubble wrap when you've no idea what you're like, so let go. Jump in. Oh well. What are you waiting for? It's alright 'cause there's beauty in the breakdown.
I dissected today =) It was awesome. I was "the cutter." Hahah, "surgeon in training." Fun stuff.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004 | Radiohead - creep | |
Oooo I just finished watching The Terminal. It's SO good. Diego Luna was so cute in it: "I need information on CVP officer Torres. If you feed me information about her, I'll feed you. You see her everyday. I want to know what makes her knees week, what makes her blood boil, her body tingle. She's a wild stallion. You'll help me break her. I'm her man of mystery. Her name is Delores. You help me to win her heart and you'll never go hungry again." Hahah, he's such a dork, but so cute =) That's one of my favorite parts.
Hahah, Daretosing.com is so funny. I mean, I give props to the people on there for submitting songs. I wouldn't have the guts to do that, but I actually know I'm a HORRIBLE singer. These guys are just setting themselves up for humiliation BUT it's nice all the people who comment on there are encouraging. I feel bad for laughing at them, but it is kind of funny =/
Really ... one minute I'm up, the next I'm down. I'm just an overall sad person, who hides it very well.
I need something that makes me happy ...
The acoustic version of this song is really perfection. It's so good.
This really is MY song (it's what I feel most of the time ... sadly): When you were here before, couldn't look you in the eye. You're just like an angel. Your skin makes me cry. You float like a feather in a beautiful world and I wish I was special. You're so fucking special, but I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. I don't care if it hurts. I want to have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul. I want you to notice when I'm not around. You're so fucking special. I wish I was special, but I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. She's running out the door. She's running out. She's run run run running out. Whatever makes you happy. Whatever you want. You're so fuckin' special. I wish I was special, but I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. I don't belong here.
Whoa ... Here is the new poster of Charlie and the Choclate Factory with Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka.
Monday, November 15, 2004 | Maren Ord - perfect | |
Urgh. Sometimes I make the stupidest comments.
People say I'm hard to get gifts for. Cirel was like "Man, you really need to give me at least a general list of what you want for xmas." Hahah. Guess what my response was -- "I'm sure whatever you get me will be fine." I don't even know what I want for christmas. I guess that's why it's hard for people. Even I don't have any idea. But it's nice when people put some thought into their gifts. It's really sweet when you open it up and they remembered something you said to them ... or maybe it reminded them of you and that's why they got it. Heh, stuff like that ... not stupid last minute gifts like socks or something.
Aww ... dammit. He was so cute! Husky card. Door. Elevator.
Anyone know what newsgroups are? I have no clue. My bro has been telling me about them though. He gets all these pre-released DVD movies for free and burns them. He told me he watched King Arthur and House of Flying Daggers last night. He even got a new 200 gig harddrive & plextor 12x dvd burner just to accommodate all the movies he downloads. It's crazy. When he came to visit here in August, he brought this whole cd carrier full of new movies. Guess what we mostly did while he was here, hahah. But yeah, since he got a new dvd burner, he's going to give me his old one which still is good =)
I think I did really bad on that bio midterm today. Blah. I panicked!
I got my ultimate temporary schedule. This hasn't happened to me before. All I need now is for the earlier chem 238 section to open up and I'm good. Right now I have the 6-8:30 class. That's TOO late for me.
Sunday, November 14, 2004 | Get Up Kids - I'll catch you | | <;/tr>
Crap. Tomorrow's going to be really busy. I have to register tomorrow, which means I have to wake up at 5:30 in the morning. Then I have class @ 8:30, an appointment for shots @ Campus Health, my bio midterm, and another class @ 2:30. Somewhere in there I might go see my counselor about what other class I should register for.
I really forgot how frustrating registering for classes is.
URGH! Is it just me or is choosing a schedule harder this quarter? I know what classes I want. It's just that I have to register for something. I don't want my "temporary" schedule to clash with any of the classes I really want.
Whoa ... ODB died.
Hmm I had no problem today waking up crazy early, even though I slept late. It's really different when you WANT to do something as opposed to when you HAVE to.
Saturday, November 13, 2004 | Howie Day - collide | |
I'm determined to study for bio all day tomorrow. I should go to the library or something. Studying in the dorm is distracting. Every so often I take little breaks. Hah, not good. Oh and sometimes I feel the need to have the TV on too. Urgh ... I really want to do well on this midterm monday. I'm praying for a good grade.
I hate gettings my hopes up. It always ends in disappointment.
Whatever ... I'm so different =/
Hmm I register this monday. I'm planning to take:
- Chem 238 (4)
- Chem 241 (3)
- Biol 220 (5)
- + some other class, preferably an easy one
I totally forgot to see my counselor this past week, so I don't know what else I'll take. I already took all the classics classes. Maybe english? A writing class? Or maybe not. I want to take it easy because chem + chem lab + bio is going to be hard enough. I think I'll see her monday. Blah. Wow what a busy day monday's going to be. Class at 8:30. Then I have to to campus health again to get my shots. Afterwards to Hogness in the health sciences building to study before my bio midterm. Then my research class. Have I mentioned I hate mondays?
Hah, yeah I know. I bet I look uninterested ... or bored ... or like I don't want to be there. It's somewhat true only because of the "uncomfortable-ness." Hahah is that even a word?
Ahh I should really stop listening to emo music. It really gets to me. Some I can relate to. Others just make me think about what I'm missing in my life. I just wonder when I'll actually get to experience some of those things. Hmm. That's what I seem to do -- wait. I guess I've been patient, but sometimes I would just like a heads up. That would be nice. Just a signal.
;Friday, November 12, 2004 | Beverly Knight - trouble (coldplay cover) | |
I'm so tired of caring ...
Reggaeton remixes are the best. Who ever thought someone would do a reggaeton remix of Evanescence songs. From the couple I've downloaded, 'my immortal' is the only one that sounds good. The others are just weird.
I'm trying so hard to be positive ... optimistic =/ Just thinking that maybe it's 'normal' for me to be unhappy with things. I mean, I've always been before. Sadly, nothing's really changed. Isn't that so ironic. I want things to change so badly, but the thought of it scares me. Me ... afraid. I've always thought of myself as TOUGH, like I can get through anything. Determined ... that's so me, but I'm a chicken when it comes to the little stuff ... stuff people pretty much do everyday. That's why I keep doubting myself. Like I just wonder how people do it. I really admire people who are so completely different than myself. Admire ... hmm maybe even a little jealous. Man ... sometimes I just want to LET GO ... let go of all my inhibitions and just be open. Try things. Make mistakes and don't regret anything. Be happy for my choices. Let someone in. Be unlike what I am usually ... be someone different.
It's so weird Duckie is on Two and a Half Men. Duckie!! From Pretty in Pink that had a crush on Andie AKA Molly Ringwald. Hah, I don't even know him from his real name.
Friedman is so sweet. I wish someone would memorize Hamlet for me. And ahhh the "first date." So cute!(Joan of Arcadia reference) Aww, this episode turned out to be really sad =/ Judith died ... but it ended so perfectly.
DUDE (hahah), we get to DISECT in bio lab next week. Yep, I'm a dork =X The "stuff" we're disecting isn't particularly interesting and they're kind of gross (you'll think the same when I mentioned it)... but wow we get to DISECT! That's the only thing I've been looking forward to in bio. PASS me the scalpel! Seriously, hahah. But ahhh ... we're going to disect the gonads of spayed and neutered cats and dogs to see all the different parts of their reproductive system. How gross is that? =/ I'm not excited about that part.
Ahh, how exciting! I got my first paycheck =) $106.59, hah. Two weeks pay, I think? 5-6 hours each week with $8 an hour (I only work Thursdays & Fridays 2-3 hours each day). It's my VERY FIRST paycheck EVER! I've never had a paying "job" before.
Thursday, November 11, 2004 | Senses Fail - one eight seven | |
Whoa, deja-vu.
Just give me loud screaming emo music and I'm set. It's the only way to make me feel better when I'm frustrated/mad/sad/etc.. Also without it I just can't get through the day. ---
It's so nice sitting very still in a room where no one else can feel the pain that breaks my heart each day. I'm not ok, but sunlight shining through my window lets me know that I'm still alive.
I hate the phrase "I feel sorry for you" especially when it's directed at me. How are you supposed to respond to that? =/ It's ok?
Up and down -- that's really me.
Blah. I had to wake up early today for an ochem workshop and I slept late =/ Maybe 3 or 4, I forget. I was so tired, but Athena & I went to get lunch. Afterwards I just couldn't function, so I took this loooong nap. It was nice, hahah.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004 | Counting Crows - colorblind | |
Man. Hahah, I'm such in a good mood right now =)
I hung out with Hussein today. We went to eat pho since he's never tried it before and afterwards we went to Starbucks. I tried out something new -- a peppermint mocha. It was good =) But hmm he was supposed to have class at 4:30, but he skipped it to hang out with me. I felt kinda bad, hahah. Anyways, yeah it was really nice just talking about random stuff -- music, class, movies, tv. I love conversations like that. You just get caught up in it and time flies by. He's an awesome friend to talk to. What a nice way to end the day.
Took down the links.
Do ever feel like you're just not yourself with people?
I don't know. It's just like me to shut out the world when things are not going the way I want them to. That way I feel in control over some part of my life. I'd rather not be aware, than know or I'd rather not deal, than face it. I'd know, but I'd try to do anything to forget.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004 | The Smiths - please please please let me get what i want | |
Hmm. I think there's currently only five people in my life who I feel comfortable with (meaning they don't make me nervous at all -- not counting family). Out of those five, maybe two I feel I can tell everything to. Is that bad or good? =/
Crappy bio quiz. Dammit. This is just frustrating.
This one person. I can so relate to him. Like he writes these amazing poems about things I REALLY understand, but there's just something about it that's just NOT me. At first I thought wow another person on the same level as me, but nah. I just can't put my finger on it. He's so similar, but SO different.
Urgh. I hate this whole mess with getting a copy of my immunization records at the Naval Hospital. My dad can't get it himself because of the Privacy Act and because I'm over 18. So my dad went to see them today about it and they said that if I FAX them a copy of my military ID and signed documents, then they can send it or give it to my dad. Blah, so I didn't want to go out and find a fax machine and wait for a fax, so I just signed up for eFax online. It was the first time I used my card ... my OWN card. Anyways, yeah I have this stuff to deal with tomorrow. Then I have to get my TB shot checked. Oooh crap, then I have to call volunteer services about orientation because I forgot today =/
Okay since a lot people come to my site looking for music, I decided to upload the most searched for songs on YouSendIt.com. All I ask of you is after you download leave a message on my tagboard. That's about it. Download while it's still up =) Oh and I also take requests. Just message me on MSN or AIM.
URGH! I can't find Jamelia's cover of Linkin Park's numb. I want it so bad, hahah. I got it! It's all because of stupid Firefox. It's not working with RealPlayer. But yeah, I recorded it with Polderbits from an .ram file on RealPlayer and converted it to an .mp3 myself. Awesome. Hahah. Wow weird. Josh Groban also did a cover of Linkin Park -- my december.
Monday, November 08, 2004 | Alkaline Trio - radio | |
Ahhh hahah, I found this entry on some guys weblog. It's cute:
"Losing My Touch? I've been wondering lately what's up with me and the opposite sex. We're just not seeing eye to eye ... Wow I read that a couple times, before I typed this sentence right here, and if taken out of context, it could be seen as me declaring that I'm gay. But that, my friends, is not the case today.
Actually, being single is interesting, although definitely not as poppin' and lockin' as most guys make it out to be. Maybe if I was the type of guy who picked up chicks at random bars, boned them, and then moved on, it'd be fun. But I'm really not the noncommittal slash random-sleeping-partner type. Like I'd much rather kick it with my lady at my place on a Friday night than like, scope the chick scene at a bar or something. Is that weird?
The positives to being single? Liking and being attracted to multiple people without any feeling of guilt. The ability to play the little flirty games and not being tied down. Crushing on people. Meeting people I'm interested in and wondering if maybe there's a possibility that something could come out of this, be it friendship, +.
The negatives? Not having that person I can talk to about anything at any point during my day. Not being in love. Not having anyone to cuddle with when it's cold. Not being able to smell that yummy, girly, freshly-shampooed hair scent when we hug. Not having someone who looks to me for protection and comfort. Not having someone I love being with, no matter what time of day or what mood I'm in.
In my opinion the negatives far outweigh the positives.
I went through this period of active girlfriend-looking. Previously, I never had to actively look for someone, so I guess the action in itself was kind of strange. But now it's gotten to a point where I'm apathetic of my situation. Looking for and meeting girls has proven too difficult, partly because I'm shy and intimidated 90% of the time, despite my uncanny ability to be witty and humorous in awkward situations. I figure I'll just let whatever is meant to happen, happen. Part of me thinks its me, like am I losing my touch? Kinda scary. Eh, whatever I'm over it."
Such a cute entry, heh.
I got shots today @ Campus Health in the UW Medical Center. I have to go back on Wednesday so they can check up on my TB. Then I have to get another one next Monday. It's really bugging me -- the shot, hahah. I've had TB shots before, but they put it in a weird place this time. Oh and then I have to go back home or my parents are going to come up here this weekend to get or drop off my immunization record. I know I have it here in the dorm someplace. I just don't know where I put it =/
Sunday, November 07, 2004 | Sum 41 - there's no solution (live) | |
Maybe nothing else will ever be so clear or maybe that's my only fear. If just for one day I wish I could disappear. Just take me far from here. Maybe I'd find out nothing new. Maybe I'd end up just like you. There's no solution. Give me truth to my conviction is my own confusion. Reality or fiction. Am I out of my mind. This constant pressure that keeps hanging over me. It makes me feel so empty. It's more than anything that I could ever be. What else could you take from me? It's getting harder to relate. I don't want to make the same mistakes.
Urgh, I'm so bad with attention. As much as I hate being the focus, it's actually really nice sometimes.
Do you ever feel like your life is just so blah? It's like it's missing something and I don't know what.
Ahh crap! I forgot my CD-R's again at home =/
It's really bad to have high hopes for 'something' from someone. Honestly, though, it's nice just thinking about it ... a little pathetic, but nice.
I love being at home, for a short while anyway. Hah. I'm so unproductive though. All I do is rent/watch movies. I mean, what is there to do at home? I brought my bio book just in case I felt like studying, but hahah, I didn't touch it. Hmm I watched Raising Helen, Envy, & Shaolin Soccer -- which I fell asleep watching. Then today I visited my bro & we barbecued. Hahah, he was telling me how he dressed up as Bruce Lee for halloween. It turns out he DIDN'T dj during halloween. I was surprised. He said he was sick of all the stuff he has to deal with (drunk people and the stupid crap they do). I guess he's quitting doing parties? He got a gig somewhere at this bar/club his friend hooked him up with, which is cool for him. Hmm drunk people. I've had encounters with some - I hated them for awhile for what they said/did. People are so different when they're drunk. They can do a total 180 on you. Hmm if you got a couple (or more) drinks in me, even I'd act pretty different. Anyways, I'm cool with people having drinks once in awhile, but there's a point where I draw the line -- when they're acting all stupid & sh*t like that. That's when I just won't deal. Blah. Well ... that was my weekend: watching movies, hanging out with my bro & eating bbq with family. Oooo, exciting.
Friday, November 05, 2004 | Armor For Sleep - kind of perfect | |
Things can't be perfect all the time. That I know. Sometimes we just have to let some things go.
Hmm my site looks really different with Mozilla Firefox. I'm trying it out for awhile. It seems better than internet explorer.
I-pod's are cute. I want one, but really I'll have no use for it =/ Anyways, something 100 times better will come out after I get it. Hahah, it would be nice to have one though.
For some reason, these past few days I've been in a really good mood. That's not ... normal, hahah.
What's up with me?? Lately I haven't been in the mood to tutor. I USED to like it, now it's just ... something I have to do. Nah, I'm glad I'm tutoring. Today was awesome. I got to help out a few people. What bugs me though is that the tutors there are so chummy with each other. Again, I feel like the outsider =/ It really sucks. When do I not feel like that? Hardly ever. Am I really that unfriendly or unapproachable? Maybe that's why I don't feel like tutoring most of the time. It's something I'd rather not encounter. I just want to feel like I'm a part of something.
Thursday, November 04, 2004 | Gwen Stefani - what you waiting for | |
Why do weird things always happen to me? Someone sent me messages through my printer -- MY PRINTER. "Hi!!!" "Hi!!! What are you doing Kathryn?" It's probably just someone joking with people on the network or something. It was freaky though.
The O.C. is on tonight =) I just wish Joey and Will & Grace wasn't on at the same time. Kelly Preston is going to be on Joey. Kristin Davis is going play Will's boyfriend's "Grace." Hmm which show should I watch? =/
Bio quiz tomorrow =/ Wish me luck!
Naturally I'm worried if I do it alone. Who really cares cause it's your life. You never know it could be great. Take a chance because you might grow. Like a new cut pattern you're repeating yourself. You know it all by heart, why are you standing in one place? Born to blossom, bloom to perish.
Hmm I'm really in a good mood today =)
Man, the PACU is so intimidating ... but it'll be good practice/experience for me. All I need is to get my Hep B & TB shots, attend orientation, do some training and I'll be an official volunteer =) Oooo Lisa was really nice. She VOLUNTEERS there everyday -- no pay at all. I mean, she spends MOST of the day there. Isn't that crazy? And she trains all the volunteers too. Ooo not to mention, she also volunteers in pre-op and during the weekends the ER. She's really amazing. Hahah I want to be like her. She went through everything with me which was really nice. She showed me the little stuff like cleaning beds, making them, cleaning all the EKG cables, stocking the drawers. Hahah, I even got to deliver beds - move them around and help Lisa pick up patients, hold their belongings, log them in. Hah I bumped into a couple walls but it was ok. But wow, the hospital is so big. I got lost. Oh yeah AHHHH we went into the OR!! That place is amazing. Man. I peaked through the windows while she was showing me around. So interesting. Hahah I'm getting all excited. Just need to get these stupid shots. I'm fine with shots (needies and all), but just getting them is a hassle. Urgh, too bad the navy hospital doesn't have their shot place open on the weekends. I mean I made an appointment at Campus Health to get them there, but it would be nice to get them at home. I can't wait to volunteer, seriously. Just to be in the hospital helping out is awesome. I just hope this will help me change in return. Surprisingly I felt really comfortable in there. Oooh, but you know what? I feel kinda of bad for skipping out on tutoring. I could have picked up two hours today. Urgh! I still have no idea how to get paid for the past weeks. I know we have to turn in our time sheets, but where do we get those?? Blah. I'll talk to Chris about it today. I think I'm two pay periods behind! =/
Wednesday, November 03, 2004 | Boyz II Men - yesterday | |
Hahah ... someone thinks my bio professor is hot on ratemyprofessor.com.
Ahh my meeting at the UW Medical Center is tomorrow. I meet someone named Lisa who's a long time volunteer at the PACU. I just hope I find the place. All I know is that it's on the second floor.
Ehh I wish Veteran's Day wasn't a Thursday.
Urgh, I got the Boyz II Men version of yesterday. I need the Marvin Gaye one that was on American Dreams. I can't find it anywhere =/
I'd like to think that there are people out there who understand, but sometimes I feel like I'm such a mixed up complicated person -- someone so different. I don't know. That's always been my frame of mind. I've never felt like I was a part of something. It's like I was always the outsider. I guess that's why it frustrates me -- building relationships with people. I can't get away from thinking that.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004 | Seal - love's divine | |
So you wanna learn to shoot pool? Well there you go. Hahah. Yeah ... hmm if you by that site, I think I'm holding the cue stick really wrong. Blah. I didn't know. What's the right way to hold it?
All I want to just to get a 3.0 or higher in biology 200 =/ I'm not sure I'll even get that. It's so sad. I don't want to mess up again.
Monday, November 01, 2004 | Something corporate - punk rock princess | |
Wow, awesome lyrics: Maybe when the room is empty. Maybe when the bottles full. Maybe when the door gets broke down love can break in. Maybe when I'm done with thinking. Maybe you can think me whole. Maybe when I'm done with endings this can begin.
Hmm ... I need a little fun in my life. Something unexpected. Something totally different.
Ahh ketchup children (Everwood reference)! SO cute =)
Urgh, I have a classics midterm tomorrow. Wish me luck.
Heh cute. Today is hello kitty's 30th birthday.
Just thinking of what I've accomplished this year and past years: (sadly, it's not much)
- Bridges 4 Program: August 2003
- EOP Mentor Program - Mentoree: September 2003-June 2004
- OMA/EOP IC Volunteer Chemistry tutor: July 2004 - August 2004
- OMA/EOP IC Paid Chemistry tutor: September 2004 - Present
- National Society of Collegiate Scholars member: January 2004 - Present
- UW Medical Center Volunteer - PACU: November 2004
- Alpha Epsilon Delta Pre-med National Honor Society member: November 2004
- GPA: 3._8
Hmm ... who's reading my archives?? I deleted the link to it awhile ago. How did someone get a hold of it?
Ahh I have my first volunteer meeting this Thursday @ the medical center. I actually called today about it. Can you believe it? Hahah. I'm hopefully going to volunteer at the PACU -post anesthesia care unit- where all the patients come right after surgery, I think. Wow. How exciting! I hope everything goes well.
Sunday, October 31, 2004 | Incubus - stellar (acoustic) | |
Hmm ... my brother's djing some halloween party tonight here in Seattle. I just can't believe how different we are.
Note: dl remake of Yesterday that was on American Dreams
My pathetic halloween first consisted of waking up early and doing laundry. Btw, people here are so damn rude. They can't wait to do their laundry, so they take my clothes out themselves and pile it right next to the washer. WTH. DON'T touch my stuff and be patient. Urgh, but that's what I get for not watching my stuff. Ehh so that was my morning. The rest of the day was just about the same -- boring. Did a little studying for classics, watched Jersey Girl again and parts of Chasing Amy, Van Helsing, & Spiderman II. Oooo how exciting. Currently I'm downloading The Village. There's really nothing to do ... nothing that *I* would do anyway. Yesterday was nice though. Athena had to get some stuff on the ave, so I came along. Hahah, I actually wanted to get candy. I rarely eat that stuff, so I got a bag of Reeses peanut butter cups @ Bartells. Yum. After getting everything, we tried out the new japanese restaurant - Best of Bento. That restaurant is so nice.
Daylight savings time messes up my biological clock. Ehh at least I get an hour more of sleep.
Ehh I hate depending on other people. You get your hopes up expecting something, but then get let down in the end. It's really disappointing.
Friday, October 29, 2004 | Marques Houston - smile | |
Hahah, I just finished watching Napoleon Dynamite. It was pretty good - one of those stupid comedy movies. I love the end.
Thursday, October 28, 2004 | Switchfoot - meant to live | |
Fumbling his confidence and wondering why the world has passed him by. Hoping that he's meant for more than arguments and failed attempts to fly. -- Maybe we've been living with our eyes half open. Maybe we're bent and broken.
I seriously need to WAKE UP. Take some initiative.
I'm trying SO hard to be happy. You probably think I'm being dramatic. I just have never been this aware before. It's really hitting me hard.
How incredibly sweet. Someone searched for "A Bronx Tale Sonny car test." Hah I LOVE that part of that movie. --- Other interesting key phrases: "job positions for Yunnie Bubble Tea" "Kathryn jaded"
Aww, it would be cute if I had a goldfish here in the dorm. Now I want one. Heh.
I have a meeting with my gen st instructor about my research project. I'm so nervous. It's @ 2 tomorrow. My project is so dumb. I need to find something that I'm interested in. I need to talk to Cirel. She's good with this stuff.
109/113 =) That's what I got on my ochem midterm. Chris calculated that anything over a 100 is a 4.0, so I'm pretty happy. Hah, I'm kind of mad about the four points though because I made a stupid mistake. CH3-O-CH3 ... stupid O and its two pairs of valence e-. Mike got a 113. Hah, I was kind of surprised about that.
Biology isn't going too well. I feel lost in my general studies class. I'm unmotivated. I have my meeting tomorrow with my instructor. I haven't called the PACU. I haven't joined AED. I haven't done a lot of stuff. Tutoring is rewarding, but I feel that some don't believe in my abilities or see that I don't have any. You have no idea how I feel right now. It's like I'm running around getting disappointed left and right. Feeling like I'm not doing enough. Feeling afraid. Feeling insecure. Blah.
Wednesday, October 27, 2004 | The Smiths - please please please let me get what i want | |
Ahh I totally forgot! I was walking to my bio lab today and I saw something weird -- tv cameras and they were shooting an interview. This was far away when I saw, but then I got closer and I saw the mic with the MTV logo on it. Guess who was interviewing UW students? Suchin Pak. Hahah, isn't that awesome? She's one of the news reporters for MTV.
I need something to cheer me up. Today was just a bad day =/
Ahh I did horrible on my bio midterm. That just ruins my whole day. I HATE BIO.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004 | Switchfoot - dare you to move (live) | |
*sigh* I have my ochem midterm tomorrow @ 8:30. I'm really nervous. All of my classes are not curved, so everything's on you if you want to do well. I need to calm down.
Ahhh late night thinking. I seem to do this a lot ... which means I can't focus on ochem right now. Blah. I hope I don't bomb tomorrow.
Am I really that different or do I just make myself seem that way? Do I alienate myself? or what? Somehow my mind thinks being more withdrawn makes the whole situation comfortable.
Most of time it's like I'm looking for something that's not really there. To actually have hope for it, well it's a bit sad and a waste of time and energy. I might as well forget and take it off my mind ... but it's hard.
Everyones here. Everyones watching you now. Everybody waits for you now. What happens next. I dare you to move. I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor. I dare you to move like the day never happened. Today never happened before. The tension is here between who you are and who you could be, between how it is and how it should be.
Note to self - Download:
Isley Brothers Feat Esthero & Onda - summer breeze
- Jagged Edge Feat T.I. - bring your crew
- K-Os - the love song
- Lemar - i believe in a thing called love (!!! The Darkness cover !!!)
- Rupee - tempted to touch
I don't know what to do for my research project. YES, research project! It was just hard enough to come up with a specific researchable question yesterday. I realized mine was stupid. At the time I thought it was kind of interesting, but that changed when I heard other people's projects. Blah. I feel so lost.
Monday, October 25, 2004 | Feeling Left Out - the best of both worlds | |
I want to do something for Halloween, like get a Ouija board or something. At least make it exciting because I think I'll be here in Seattle for it -- not like I'll be going out or anything. You know that's not me. I have no idea where to get a hold of one though, which sucks.
Organic chem midterm wednesday morning. Ahh! Man, I keep putting things off. Not good.
I watched the Radio Music Awards tonight. I kept laughing when they kept emphasizing "live" when they were talking about Ashlee Simpson's performance. I just don't see why they're making a big deal out of it. Ooo someone lip-syncs - nothing new.
Hah. What a great name for a band. This is the only song of theirs that I really got into -- not that I'd relate to it or anything. Hahah, it's about this girl that's going out with two guys. The guy that is singing is just the one she hooks up with. The other guy is her boyfriend who she "loves." She can't get the courage to tell him she's cheating.
LYRICS: I followed your brake lights into the night. I kicked the curb until my foot felt right. Expectations must not be held as high. It's not the same. You are not mine. You cried, but did you mean it? He's so ignorant to you being true. To enlighten him would frighten you. Your best of both worlds would collide, so let what is true subside. Enjoy the free ride. Hide from the sunlight. I'll fight the sleep tonight. With the new day comes a new life. I'm scared to open my eyes.
Sunday, October 24, 2004 | Bowling For Soup - 1985 (live acoustic) | |
I can't stand the real recording of this song, but for some reason I like the live version. I'd take any acoustic version over the original.
Hahah. Anyone watch Saturday Night Live yesterday? If you didn't, you could have caught Ashlee Simpson making a mistake on live tv -- lip-synching! Here's an article about it, if you're curious.
Hah, yesterday was the first day in a long time I didn't write an entry. It's only because I decided to go home and we don't have internet anymore. But hmm, I totally forgot something there -- my spindle of cd-r's. I remembered everything except that =/
I want something to happen so badly ... to go through something that's entirely new to me. Take a chance. Open up.
Why is it so easy to write on here about something? But when actually talking about it in person, it's difficult.
Hmm why doesn't anyone have Garden State on DC? I want to see that movie so bad. -- Hmm I saw a couple movies over the weekend. Btw, it's so weird they moved the movie place in Exchange to the gas station. So many things have changed in Oak Harbor over the past month. It's crazy. They're building a Home Depot near Big 5 and that church. Ennens is now Marketplace and going under construction (no movies there anymore!! Urgh). Hah I'm even noticing changes on our neighbor's houses. Anyways, I saw "Dogville," an extremely weird & 'artsy' movie that has Nicole Kidman & Paul Bettany (A Beautiful Mind, Wimbledon) in it. I also saw "A Cinderella Story" with Chad Michael Murray & Hilary Duff -- yeah yeah I know what you're thinking. It was SO cute though. I love movies like this.
"When you're left with only a bullet, I'll bring a trigger and a promise to pull it. I'll be the end of everyone who's ever entered your life and taken pieces out of it. I'll give you enough time to regain your composure, to reconstruct a heart that's torn apart from over-exposure. I know forever isn't long enough to forget the faces and places that played out your tragedy." -- Boys Night out - hold on tightly, let go lightly (I LOVE this song)
Friday, October 22, 2004 | Keane - somewhere only we know | |
New Movie Trailers:
Do you ever feel like something big is going to happen? It's like I'm just waiting for it. I'm ready for something like that. 'Take on me. Take me on'
"Oh simple thing where have you gone. I'm getting old and I need something to rely on. So tell me when you're gonna let me in. I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin."
Wow. I'm so relieved. That test was HARD though. I hope I did alright =/ Urgh, my day isn't over though. I have this workshop at the IC @ 5. Blah. Another midterm to study for -- ochem.
Hmm wow, I'm actually eating lunch. Skipping breakfast & lunch because of your schedule is really a bad thing. Other times, I just have stuff on my mind and I'm not in the mood. I don't know, my appetite here is totally different than back home. Hahah, it's probably from all the stress. Maybe that's why I'm always tired during the day and more energetic at night. That messes up my sleeping patterns too huh? Isn't it usually the other way around? Energetic during the day, tired at night. =/
I'm trying to calm myself down right now. I'm so freaking nervous about my midterm. So much to memorize. How many ATP molecules are produced from cellular respiration (glycolysis, linking step, kreb's cycle, & electron transport / oxidative phosphorylation)? How many ATP molecules come from NADH? Or substrate level phosphorylation? Blah.
Thursday, October 21, 2004 | Pedro The Lion - criticism as inspiration | |
Ahh. My bio 200 midterm is tomorrow. I'm SO nervous about it, because I did so horrible in on the 180 this summer. Man, I'm freaking out.
I got a 105 (a 4.0) on my first classics midterm =)
URGH. I did not hear any news about being a MENTOR! Shoot. I missed out on that. Chris was telling me about it after ochem section. Damn it. He does EVERYTHING.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004 | Zero 7 - distractions | |
"I only make jokes to distract myself from the truth, from the truth."
There's one thing that I'm really bad with -- making connections. It's so hard for me. I've had 4 quarters to approach maybe at least 12 instructors or professors. I know I'm going to have to sooner or later because I really need letters of recommendation (for this coming summer SMEP internship that I desperately want & for my med school apps). I might approach my research class instructor. He seems pretty cool with everything. Oh & that's another thing I need to start looking into too. RESEARCH. Med schools look out for those kinds of things. It shows that you have critical thinking skills and an interest in your subject. The thing is though I have no idea what I want to do. Hopefully this class will lead me in the right direction. Blah and I need to talk to my counselor and get to know her better, although she recognizes me. Also I need to contact the OMA Associate Director - she's filipino which is interesting - and talk about med school app preparation. Join EIP. Join AED. Contact the PACU unit again. Ahh, there's so much to do. I wish I could go back in time. There are things I regret not doing. It sucks.
Blah. It's wednesday already? I have my bio lab today. 2-4:50 -- almost three hours, but it seems longer. ----- Urgh, the lab lasted longer than expected. I hate bio lab.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004 | Smashing Pumpkins - tonight tonight | |
I feel like staying up tonight, even though I have an 8:30 class tomorrow. Blah. I always have 8:30 classes. I've been that unlucky for the past 4 quarters. Can you believe that? I shouldn't be complaining though. I should be thankful for where I'm at. There always seems to be something wrong that I can complain about. I've noticed that. Maybe I just focus on the negatives a bit too much. It seems like it's some messed up ratio (6 bad to 1 good) or something.
Ahh. I just get so giddy whenever I find or download good music. Yeah, I know. I'm a dork. I'm LOVING Zero 7's stuff though. Oh man, the song "Distractions" is so perfect. It reminds me of Mazzy Star's "Fade Into You" -- the background anyway. "Destiny" is also an awesome song. It's kinda old though, but you'll probably recognize it. It's good stuff.
Blah. I didn't do too well on my 2nd bio quiz. Oh well. The lowest of four quiz scores will be dropped, so I just have to do better on the next two.
Monday, October 18, 2004 | Bjork - bachelorette (rza remix) | |
I have a classics midterm tomorrow. Wish me luck!
It was hard going to sleep last night =/ I feel miserable.
I really want to skip my research class today. Blah. I did skip the first 30 minutes =X I didn't do it on purpose though. As you know, I'm really not feeling well, so after bio I took a nap and I woke up late =X Yeah. I looked pretty stupid coming in while they were doing a presentation.
Aww I was talking to Ming today about internships and whatnot and the topic of rock climbing came up. She says she could have gotten internship credit this quarter for rockclimbing because she's trained to be one of those safety people. I forget the technical term for it. It's starts with a B if anyone wants to help me out. That's so awesome though. I want to go the IMA sometime to try it. Just need to find people who also want to. Wow, I've ALWAYS wanted to rock climb. That's one of the things on my "checklist."
Sunday, October 17, 2004 | Akon - lonely | |
Man. What's up with this sore throat? It's getting worse. I sound so awful when I talk =/
Urgh. I hate this one credit research class I'm taking. It's like he wants us to dive straight in. The thing is though that I don't know what to research. It's so vague and I hate it. I like things to have some structure.
Sweet. My mom mentioned something about the family maybe going to Mississippi for Christmas. We never went out of state before for Christmas, so it should be interesting if we do go.
Ohhh wow, there's a rainbow outside =) I haven't seen one in long time. Hah, it makes me happy for some reason.
Aww, this song's so awesome. It samples Mr. Lonely by Bobby Vinton (I think that's the song ...).
Hmm -- "Many shy individuals have unreasonably high expectations of themselves. When people have unrealistic expectations of themselves, they become overly critical of their own performance and are unable to relax in a social setting."
Oh man, this is me?? =/ I haven't taken this in awhile. Urgh I totally forgot my results. I agree with avoidant, but not with dependent. I DO NOT need to be taken care of. I like doing things for myself. I have been told, though, that I can be 'clingy' <--- ahh such a negative word, but I don't jump from relationship to relationship. Hah, what relationships?? So at most it should say 'moderate' ... at least that's what I think.
Saturday, October 16, 2004 | 2 Play - careless whisper | |
Yeah, all day I've been watching movies =X It's sad, but I'm not feeling well so that's a good excuse for staying in all day.
I just watched Ju-On (don't ask what version. I have no idea). Man, it has some really creepy parts to it (i.e. the cat/boy & the spiderwalking lady). I wonder if the US version will be equally scary.
Oh! I also finally watched The Notebook. It's so sweet, but sad. I almost cried near the end. But hmmm, it seemed really short. I don't know if it was just the quality of the movie or what.
Aww, I just finished watching "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." It's a REALLY good movie. It's not what you would expect from Jim Carrey. Favorite quotes:
- Joel: I could die right now, Clem. I'm just ... happy. I've never felt that before. I'm just exactly where I want to be.
- Clementine: You know me, I'm impulsive.
Joel: That's what I love about you.
- Clementine: Joel, I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.
Joel: I remember that speech really well.
Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?
Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.
Clementine: Probably.
Joel: I still thought you were going to save me. Even after that.
- Joel: I don't see anything I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will, and I'll get bored with you and feel trapped, because that's what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.
Ahh, I woke up today feeling really awful. My throat's so sore that it's hard for me to swallow =/ Thankfully I brought Chloroseptic with me to the dorms. It's temporary relief from the soreness. Man. I hate feeling this way.
I really do love this site.
Friday, October 15, 2004 | Boyz II Men - everything is you | |
Man, I'm not feeling too well. I have a sore throat =/
I really need to catch up for ochem & classics. Hmm, guess how I'm going to spend most of my weekend. Yep, studying.
Thursday, October 14, 2004 | PK - madbeatboxing skills | |
Ahh this is really scary. It's the flash site for the movie The Grudge.
Urgh, I have another bio quiz tomorrow. Hope I do well as I did on the first. Wish me luck.
I hate it when I can't help people. I redirected 4-5 people to Scott or some other advanced tutor today. That's why I don't feel like I should get paid. I'm only good with the real general chem stuff (142 mainly, and some 162). Like I remember doing the problems people are showing me, but it takes me awhile. Man, I even forgot how to do limiting reactant problems. How simple is that? I should really review, blah ... on top of everything I need to do.
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