My Hideous Relationship History


The Soap Opera Is About To Begin...

But first, a word from our sponsors...

I originally wrote this page back in 1999. I probably shouldn't have, but I used to bitch about my exes a lot and people kept mixing them up, so this is more a glossary than anything else. It's embarrassing and pathetic, and I knew it was embarrassing and pathetic back then, but I've never been one for hiding the truth. (Except when I used to blame the cat for breaking stuff, but that's another story. :P)

The other reason this is here sort of developed over time. I've learned a hell of a lot of lessons from all this shit, and if I forget what happened, I might forget the lessons too. There's times I have trouble falling asleep at night because something reminded me of something stupid I did years ago. But no matter how uncomfortable remembering might be, it's better than forgetting.

I could go into a long explanation of why I did so much pathetic and embarrassing stuff, but I won't. Some of you would pity me, and some of you would think anything I said was just an excuse, and neither group would even have the slightest clue who I really am. You have the right to think whatever you want to think about me. But please think it somewhere else, until such time as you get to know me. Until then, your opinion doesn't mean a hell of a lot to me. Anything you could say to me about it, I've already said to myself a million times before.

...And now, back to your regularly scheduled program.

Well since you're probably all curious about the man I lost my virginity to, I guess I'll tell you. Prepare to puke.

His name was Steve, and he was a fat idiot who thought he knew more than the rest of the world combined. I was 19 and figured since he wanted me I might as well give it a shot. I mean, since all the guys in school had avoided me like the plague, I figured if I didn't act then, I'd never get the chance. He sucked in bed and was basically an annoying person all the way around. We finally broke up more or less mutually around a month later. God only knows how I put up with him THAT long.

Around a week later, we were all at Richard's house (Steve was his roommate at the time and cheated him horribly since Richard was too stupid to know it), and Aleasha's 21st birthday came up. I was still following Steve around for lack of anything else to do. Cindy, Aleasha's underage friend, put makeup on me while Aleasha did my hair. I looked like a 14-year-old. We occupied ourselves with girl-talk, which basically involved making Steve jealous by flirting with Richard, even though HE was going out with Stephanie, my best friend at the time.

During the party, Richard kept staring at me. I made Steve horribly jealous. He didn't get along with Richard well at all after that. Not that he had BEFORE either. Steph & Richard broke up that night after he'd had way too much to drink and so on. Some kids I hadn't known were invited trashed the place and I found Steve's cat sleeping in the dish drainer. We all thought he was drunk and laughed our asses off.

During the party Cindy tried to set me up with this guy she knew (probably to keep him from getting in her pants for once). I met him the next day and we ended up going out for a whole entire 4 1/2 days. Shaun was a sex fiend anyway. Which was good while it lasted, but there wasn't much else there. Anyway one night Steph took me, Shaun, and Richard to play bingo. Which succeeded in making Steph want to go out with Shaun. So the next day I went over to Richard's and we pretended to be going out to see if Steph would get pissed. She didn't. SHe was too busy getting laid all the time.

After that I ended up going out with Richard for over a year. I moved in with him a month after I met him and didn't move out again until I broke off the engagement. This was, of course, after I had my miscarriage. Pregnancy was hell. I'm actually kinda glad I had a miscarriage. We were broke most of the time and argued constantly by then, and that's not the kind of life I want to bring a baby into. Though after we broke up, I continued to sleep with him and hang around at his house for around a year after that. He's schizophrenic and at one time was on 8 kinds of meds for it. They never worked. He got violent a lot, and on occasion I had to keep him from killing himself. I have NO idea how I put up with HIM so long either.

We found out not long after we got engaged that Richard had managed to knock up some chick named Nina and she wanted him to pay child support. Anyway I went through a tough time there for a while since he wanted to go back with her to take care of their son...even though she'd cheated on him immediately after they had their fling and they barely even LIKED each other. He called the cops to kick me out of my OWN HOUSE and everything. Of course he changed his mind a few hours later and spent the next few weeks sucking up majorly. If only he'd treated me that nice ALL the time. Looking back on it, I should've gotten out of the relationship while I had a chance. But NOOOO...I had to be stubborn and codependent.

Ok I'm going to skip a bunch here. This is getting too long and depressing even for ME. I might eventually fill in this blank, but don't hold your breath.

About a year ago I was hanging out with my "friends" Tabby and Carroll, who constantly fought yet still wanted to get married. I think they are married now...they're a perfect match. Both dumb as a board and ugly enough no one else would want them. Anyway, one day Phillip came over. I'd known him when I was a kid but as I don't remember much of my childhood I didn't remember much about him. So I immediately got the hots for him. We all went out drinking one night and I stayed the night with Tabby & Carroll. I cried drunkenly when Phillip left. I was stupid and I knew it. I apparently didn't CARE though.

We went out for a few months, and amazingly didn't argue or anything. Everything was hunky-dorey until we were at the library one day and I saw this other guy, Travis. (Oh wait. Did I forget to mention I caught Phillip jacking off one time instead of sharing the pleasure with ME? *snarl*) I immediately got the hots for Travis, since my relationship with Phillip was getting rather boring (and paranoia-inducing; he kept asking me to marry him). I flirted around with Travis every chance I got. (I have no idea why. He's UGLY. He's ANNOYING. He's CHILDISH.) I kept wishing Phillip would get out of my hair for a while so I could go out with Travis. Phillip immediately got in a car wreck and almost died. I was freaked. However I didn't waste much time starting something up with Travis.

Travis soon began to annoy me. I think we went out for like 4 months or something. He would get hyper as we were walking down the sidewalk and hit me with fallen tree limbs. He used to bite a bit TOO hard while involved in the bedroom (or bathroom, or balcony). Once I got even though...he wanted to try something kinky, so he tied my neck to his bedpost with his belt. I started getting high from oxygen deprivation and acting like I liked it. He stopped immediately. I laughed my ass off about that one. Oh yeah, and he also tried to drown me in his bathtub when I had THOUGHT we were supposed to be having a romantic encounter. Now I wonder if he has something against women, since one of the reasons I broke up with him is because he was always cybering and having phone sex with men.

Shawn showed up at just the right time. I was just getting ready to break up with Travis, when my friend Veronica told me Shawn was finally in town. I'd been wanting to meet him for a long time. He wanted someone to come with him on the road and keep him awake so he didn't have an accident or something. We hit it off right away. We babbled at each other all through Wal-Mart and Pizza Hut that night. We got back to Veronica's and he gave me the best backrub I've ever had while we stayed up way late talking and making fun of crappy TV shows. He took me to his place since the next day he had to go on the road and I might as well be there to go with him instead of him having to make another trip.

The next morning (after like 3 hours sleep) I played his N64 and ate pizza. Then somehow the next thing I knew he was giving me another massage. Um...well the rest is history. We later noticed we'd disturbed the candles where they sat on the floor and there was a big puddle of candle wax all over the carpet.

Ok now I've broken up with Shawn. Yeah it was an emotionally intense moment and he probably still expects to get laid, but if it's only hormones, why bother? Travis now wants to screw me, but just the sight of him makes me wanna puke. Being single for all intents and purposes lets me realize how pathetic all my exes were. Hmm...this isn't funny. Damn.

Well that's it as of now. If I'd bothered to put the other ones in, it'd REALLY be a soap opera. But I'm not about to write a whole entire autobiography on here. This is more than MOST people tell about themselves on websites. I'm either stupid for posting this stuff here or I like laughing at their various faults WAY too much.