A big thanks goes out to "Amber the Great" for her contributions.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
Jack Handy
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
Jack Handy
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
Jack Handy
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
Jack Handy
The others being wrong doesn't make me right.
Being wrong is a step toward being right. So, it's not totally wrong.
Never fear big long words.Big long words mean little things. All big things have little names,Such as life and death, peace and war, Or dawn, day, night, hope, love, home.Learn to use little words in a big way. It is hard to do,But they say what you mean.When you don't know what you mean, Use big words--That often fools little people.
Arthur Kudner
If I wanted to go west and was in a hurry, I would take a slow train going west rather than a fast train going east.
Why do we give importance to the opinions of people we don't find important?
All rivers run into the sea, yet the sea is not full.
Bible
Most of what we are afraid of never happens. And what has to happen will happen even if we are afraid it will. So why fear?
My keys to the door of success don't seem to fit, so I guess I'll have to pick the lock.
When life hands you a lemon, cut it into neat little wedges and squirt them in your enemies eyes.
Success is the greatest revenge.
Unknown
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Gloria Steinem
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
Woody Allen
Well, gentlemen, you are about to see a baked Appel.
Last words of George Appel, executed by electric chair
Remember, the death penalty is murder.
Last words of Robert Drew before he was executed
I love you.
Last words of Sean Flannagan,spoken to the executioner
I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass.
Last words of Johnny Frank Garrett
You should never criticize you wife's judgment--look who she decided to marry!
Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.
Thich Nhat Hanh
You miss one hundred percent of the shots you don't take.
No Fear TShirt
Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
May you live all the days of your life.
Jonathan Swift
Use what talent you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best.
Henry Van Dyke
After awhile you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises and you begin to accept
your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much so you plant your
own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn...
"Comes The Dawn" by Virginia Shopstall
It's not the critic who counts;
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled
or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man
who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
who strives valiantly;
who errs and comes short again and again;
who knows great enthusiasms,
the great devotions;
who spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,
and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while
DARING GREATLY
so that his place shall never be
with those timid souls
who know neither victory or defeat.
Theodore Roosevelt
Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Douglas Adams, So Long, and Thanks for the Fish
Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky and say "Storms suck!".
Johnny Carson
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Fill your heart with goodness and there will be no place for evil. Fill the world with beauty, and there will be no room for darkness. Fill your moments with joy, and there will be no room for regret.
The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.
Woodrow Wilson
I give you bitter pills in sugar coating. The pills are harmless: the poison is in the sugar.
Stanislaw Lec
In skating over thin ice, our safety is in our speed.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
If you understand everything, you must be misinformed.
Japanese Proverb
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.
Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire.
Reggie Leach
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
Jack Handy
I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
Jack Handy
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
Jack Handy
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
Jack Handy
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Jack Handy
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Jack Handy
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
Jack Handy
He would make a lovely corpse.
Charles Dickens
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
General Douglas MacArthur
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
Mark Twain
It's easy enough to be pleasant when everything goes like a song; but the man who is worthwhile is the man who can smile when everything goes dead wrong.
Give some people an inch and they think they are rulers.
If you find a path with no obstacles--it is probably a path that doesn't lead anywhere.
Don't be a cloud because you failed to become a star.
The best thing to do behind a person's back--is to pat it!
Don't throw away the old bucket until you know whether the new one holds water.
Sweedish Proverb
A winner is always part of the answer; A loser is always part of a problem.
If you can't find the time to do it right the first time, when are you going to find time to do it over?
Fish or cut bait.
American Proverb
Some folks sit and think, others just sit.
Many who expect to be saved in the eleventh hour, die at ten-thirty.
If a man is destined to drown, he'll drown even in a spoonful of water.
Yiddish Proverb
You can't leave your footprints on the sands of time while sitting down.
It is easier to cope with out-and-out enemies than with deceptive friends.
If you want to get a pail of milk, don't sit yourself on a stool in the middle of a field hoping that a cow will come over to you.
A lie is a coward's way of getting out of trouble.
Stop sweating the small stuff because, 100 years from now, no one will care!
Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you.
American Proverb
Nothing is all wrong. Even a clock that has stopped running is right twice a day.
The Lord has given us two ends, they have a common link; For the bottome end we sit, and with the other we think. Success in life depends upon which end you choose to use. You'll soon discover this my friend, Heads you win and tails you lose!
Since the house is on fire, let's warm ourselves.
Italian Proverb
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Sir Winston Churchill
An optimist defines a window as something to let the light shine through. A pessimist defines a window as something that gets dirty and needs washing.
To know the road ahead, ask those coming back.
Chinese Proverb
We never know the worth of water until the well is dry.
French Proverb
Whoever gossips to you will gossip about your.
Spanish Proverb
The trouble with being punctual is that nine out of ten times there is nobody there to appreciate it.
You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep.
Navajo Proverb
If you want to feel rich, just count all of the things you have that money can't buy.
Anonymous
Beware of a half-truth--you may have gotten the wrong half.
If you could kick in the pants the fellow responsible for most of your troubles, you wouldn't be able to sit down for six weeks.
We ask God to provide for our needs, and when he does, we congradulate ourselves on our ability and cleverness.
Three can keep a secret if two of them are dead.
Ben Franklin
Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few.
Ben Franklin
Smiles never go up in price or down in value.
It has been said that a smile adds a lot of your face value.
The optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious to the rose.
Kahlil Gibran
Lots of people know a good thing the minute the other fellow sees it first.
J.E.Hedges
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Anon
Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
Keppel Enderbery
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Samual Goldwyn
Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.
Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.
Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
I don't want to join the kind of a club that accepts people like me as members.
Groucho Marx
They tried to get me - I got them first!
Suicide note of Vachell Lindsay, poet
I feel certain that I'm going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices
Suicide note of Virginia Woolf
I need to know the price of a gallon of milk and a dozen eggs. I need to know right now.
Lamar Alexander
The more I know about men the more I like dogs.
Gloria Allred
I don't know exactly what democracy is. But we need more of it.
Anonymous Chinese Student
Somehow a bunch of sanctimonious wackos have managed to legalize torture.
Anonymous Airline Passenger, describing the US ban on smoking during airline flights
I'm going through some serious basketball withdrawl here.
Anonymous Basketball Fan
Please Lord, let me prove to you that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
Anonymous t-shirt plea
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
D. J. Hicks
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
Anonymous
Picture yourself in a boat on a river with tangerine trees and marmalade skies.
John Lennon
Plato had slaves...George Washington had slaves...So, do I feel intrinsically better than these two men? Of course I do! They're dead!
Todd Andrew Reid
Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Live, Learn, Die. The wonders of life.
Michael Harry
It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else's eyes.
Sally Field
Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn't stop to enjoy it.
W. Feather
When written in Chinese, the word "crisis" is composed of two characters-- one represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
The darkest hour is only 60 minutes.
The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
William Conner Magee
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs and don't forget to thank Him for His answers. If you do this you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand.
Phillippians 4:6-7
If things go wrong, don't go with them.
Roger Babson
People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them.
George Bernard Shaw
If Columbus would have turned back, no one would have blame him. Of course, no one would have remembered him either.
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
Dan Stanford
The bigger a man's head, the worse his headache.
Persian Proverb
Waste your money and you're only out of money, but waste you're time and you've lost a part of your life.
Michael Leboeuf
In great attempts it is glorious even to fail.
Vince Lombardi
When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"
Sydney J. Harris
I had the blues because I had no shoes until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet.
Denis Waitely
The impossible: What nobody can do until somebody does.
I am not judged by the number of times I fail, but by the number of times I succeed; and the number of times I succeed is in direct proportion to the number of times I can fail and keep on trying.
Tom Hopkins
Children who are forced to act like adults will go on acting like adults all their life without ever being one.
Let the children be children while they are young or they will remain children all their life.
Beauty is power; a smile is its sword.
Charles Reade
It is more creative to reinvent the present than to escape in the past or in the future which are non-existence.
Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little course, and you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice. Up again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Small success is small satisfaction, big success is big satisfaction. Small failure is as painful as big failure. Why not aim for the big one?
I did not get my Spaghetti-O's, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this.
Last words of Thomas J. Grasso before he was executed
You can be a king or a street sweeper, but everyone dances with the Grim Reaper.
Last words of Robert Alton Harris, executed
I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country.
Last words of Nathanial Hale
Shoot straight you bastards and don't make a mess of it!
Last words of Breaker Morant, executed by firing squad
And now, in keeping with Channel 40's policy of always bringing you the latest in blood and guts, in living color, you're about to see another first - an attempted suicide.
Last words of Chris Hubbock, newscaster who shot herself live on the air
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand
Great Googily Moogily!
Snickers Candy Commercial
If you can't convince 'em, confuse 'em.
If you must kill time, why not try to work it to death.
Yesterday is gone; Tomorrow is uncertain; Today is here. So use it!
Do it now! Today will be yesterday tomorrow.
What we see depends on what we look for.
John Lubbock
How far you go in life depends on you being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these. George Washington Carver
I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him. Booker T. Washington
To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
They called me mad, and I called them mad, and damn them, they outvoted me.
Nathaniel Lee, on being consigned to a mental institution
20% of all road accidents in Sweden involve a moose.
Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children.
Anonymous
Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are the most useless; peacocks and lilies, for example.
John Ruskin (The Stones of Venice, I)
Same old slippers,
Same old rice,
Same old glimpse of paradise.
William James Lampton
Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth.
Mohammed Ali
Seven days without laughter makes one weak.
Mort Walker
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
Anonymous
And God said, Let there be light: and there was light
Genesis
For dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.
Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.
William Congreve
There is a country is Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.
Sigfried Hulzer
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
Will Rogers
After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.
Cato the Elder
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
Oliver Wendell Holmes
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Tom Clancy
Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.
Batman Costume warning label
To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour
William Blake
Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come shining through.
No matter how your heart is grieving , if you keep believing
the dream that you wish will come true.
From Cinderella
A blank page is God's way of showing you how hard it is to be God
Unknown
Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity.
Unknown
No one is ever beaten unless he gives up the fight.
W. Beren Wolfe
Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?
Unknown
What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
Crowfoot, Blackfoot warrior and orator
When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get one, but you won't come up with a handful of mud, either.
Leo Burnett
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me."
Erma Bombeck
May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
And rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.
Irish Blessing
Always remember to forget
The things that made you sad.
But never forget to remember
The things that made you glad.
Always remember to forget
The friends that proved untrue.
But don't forget to remember
Those who have stuck by you.
Always remember to forget
The troubles that came your way.
But never forget to remember
The blessings that come each day.
Irish Blessing
Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.
Anonymous
May you have warm words on a cold evening a full moon on a dark night and the road downhill all the way to your door.
Irish Blessing
An open mind, like an open window, should be screened to keep the bugs out.
Virginia Hutchinson
Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.
Maurice Chevalier
Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero. (Sieze the day, do not rely on the future)
Homer
Please die, I said, so I can write about it.
Margaret Atwood
The less anybody wants you, the less valuable you become, unless you truly want yourself.
Ashleigh Brilliant
READ THIS OR YOU'LL BE SORRY! On the other hand, you may be sorry anyway.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Of all sad words In tongue or pen, the saddest are these: IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN. Let's add this thought Unto this verse: IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN A GREAT DEAL WORSE.
Anon
Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.
Og Mandino
"Invitation"
If you are a dreamer, come in, If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer... If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire For we have some flax-golden tales to spin. Come in! Come in!
Shel Silverstein
"Alice"
She drank from a bottle called DRINK ME And up she grew so tall, She ate from a plate called TASTE ME And down she shrank so small. And so she changed, while other folks never tried nothin' at all.
Shel Silverstein
When we can't dream any longer, we die.
Emma Goldman
Death is just nature's way of telling you, 'Hey, you're not alive anymore'.
Bull, on Night Court
True power is knowing that you can, but you don't.
Julia Alicia Jarvis
A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are the portals to discovery.
James Joyce
There are 3 kinds of people: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who go, "What happened?"
Anon
You see things and say 'Why?'. But I dream things that never were and say, 'Why not?'.
George Bernard Shaw
Miracles are natural; when they do not occur, something has gone wrong.
Helen Schueman
Deja Fu: the feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
Anon
I love those who long for the impossible.
Goethe
No one can ever make anyone perfectly happy, and no one but a woman would ever expect to.
Mary Cantwell
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES: Family Catches Fire Just In Time, Chief Says/ Slow Driver Arrested After 4-County Chase/ Oprah, Madonna Talk Marriage/ Drought Turns Coyotes to Watermelons/ No Cause Of Death Determined for Beheading Victim/ Christmas Trees Don't Grow On Trees/ Alaska Warned: Don't Become Florida/ Lack Of Brains Hinders Research/
The Almanac for Farmers and City Folk, 1998
It is difficult to say what is impossible, for the dream of yesterday is the hope of today, and the reality of tomorrow.
Robert H. Goddard
If something's true, you don't have to believe in it.
Lily Tomlin
They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.
Psalm 126:5
My mother said to me, 'If you are a soldier, you will become a general. if you are a monk, you will become the Pope'. Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Pablo Picasso
It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies.
Arthur Calwell
Ten people who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.
Napoleon
If one man calls you an ass, ignore him. If two men call you an ass, start to worry. If three men call you an ass, go buy yourself a saddle.
Yiddish Proverb
Dream as if you'll live forever but live as if you'll die tommorow.
I'm not going to die very glamoursly. I'll probably be
eating a twinkie, take a bite and fall over.
Billy Corgan
Practice makes perfect. No one is perfect. So why practice?
Billy Corgan
It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich.
Alan Alda
Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses.
Anonymous
When women go wrong, men go right after them.
Mae West
Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.
Oscar Wilde
The good ended happily and the bad ended unhappily. That is what fiction means.
Oscar Wilde
How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby.
Anonymous Manufacturer
The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.
Yogi Berra
The Minutemen are not tall in terms of height.
Dan Bonner
Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win.
Doug Collins
I wanted all my ducks in a row so if we did get into a posture we could pretty much slam-dunk this thing and put it to bed.
Lee Cooke
We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads.
Vlade Divac
Crises bring out the best in the best of us, and the worst in the worst of us.
Anonymous
In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities.
Janos Arany
You wake up in the morning, and your purse is magically filled with twenty-four hours of unmanufactured tissue of the universe of your life! It is yours. It is the most precious of possessions. No one can take it from you. And no one receives either more or less than you receive.
Dr. Thomas Arnold Bennett
What is now proved was once only imagined.
William Blake
Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.
Confucius
To win without risk is to triumph without glory.
Pierre Corneille
There are no athiests in foxholes.
William T. Cummings
