I am not ashamed of what I do. I am not sorry I cut. It doesn’t bother me. The only reason I hide it from others, is because it bothers them. People don’t understand cutting. People are very uncomfortable with the idea. And I don’t like making others uncomfortable. I like to make people happy.
I have a friend who loves to remind me it’s mutilation. And yes he uses that word. And when he does, he crinkles up his face in disgust. And gives me this look. As if this word alone will make me stop. As if suddenly I’m going to say “Oh my God! I’m mutilating myself!” Like I didn’t get it, and now see the light.
I am not bothered by the word mutilation. I think to my friend, the word means something completely different. I think when he hears that word it conjures up visions of torture victims. I am a victim of torture. Only a much different kind. My cutting is not my torture. Cutting is the salve on my wounds.
Most people think it's distugusting. Why in the world would anyone want to cut themselves on purpose? Are we sick? Maybe. But it's about feeling better. The most important thing to remember is that cutting is not a suicide attempt. Self-Injury and suicide are two very, very different things. Self-Injury is often what people do to keep themselves from suicide. Self-Injury is a quick fix. It's a coping method. And although it may not be the best coping method, it's still what gets us through.
Reasons why people self-injure:
1. It's chemical. Cutting releases endorphins in the brain. Those endorphins are adreanaline, which makes you feel better.
2. It puts you in control of your pain. You are causing the pain, and you can stop the pain.
3. It allows emotional pain to become physical. Not only does this make it easier to heal, it allows your feeling to become something tangible.
4. It makes you feel stronger.
5. Control, Control, CONTROL. Cutting makes me feel stronger. It puts me in control. No matter how my life seems to be spinning out of control, I am suddenly grounded. It clears my mind.
6. Eases tension.
7. It allows others to see your pain.
8. It reminds you that you're alive. Sometimes I forget, and everything feels numb. The blood reminds me I am here.
9. It vents anger. Sometimes I am just so angry at myself, the world, whoever, and I feel I'm just going to explode if I don't let it out.
This is one of the most comprehensive sites I've ever found. It includes information on why people hurt themselves, how they injure, why we injure, help for family and friends, and self-help for you too.
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Updated: September 26, 2002
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