Eller's ten step guide to riding a Korean subway while American
My fellow Americans in Korea. Take a good look at these three sad young Americans. They have just been spat upon and kicked by a mob of 200 Korean college kids, abducted, forced to listen to some really awful Korean pop singers and charged by police with resisting a mob. Well, it appears that someone didn't take the time to learn about Korean culture! So, for all you ugly Americans in the R.O.K. in need of some sensitivity training, I offer you Ben T. Eller's Patented and Proven Simple 10 Step Guide to Safely Riding a Korean Subway While Being an American or in Possession of One.
To avoid the inconvenience and embarrassment of a public thrashing combined with an arrest record for disturbing the peace, all Americans need to always observe the following cultural ˇ°normsˇ± while using Korean public transportation.
1. Never, ever under any circumstances refuse a flier from a Korean.
Fliers are a sacred part of Korean culture. To refuse a flier from a Korean is a mortal insult on par with offering a Hindu a bite of your Double Whopper with cheese.
2. Learn Korean.
Nearly 90 percent of all subway floggings of Americans are the result of simple language barriers. Please, do not attempt to ride the rails until you have memorized how to say, "Excuse me," "I'm sorry" and "I am from France" in fluent, unaccented Korean.
3. Wear proper attire.
A common cause of subway affronts by Americans is their failure to wear appropriate, culturally respectful attire. For men this means a Be the Red's t-shirt and a least one World Cup sticker on a portion of exposed flesh. For women this means a sloppy blond hair dye job and a fake leopard skin fur coat ordered from a Russian Gap. (Note: French football jerseys are acceptable substitutes only when accompanied by a "Bardot Consorts with Beagles" button.)
4. Respect your Korean elders.
Korean old people have very hard lives. Many, due their brutal experiences under Japanese rule and past dictators, simply cannot draw enough saliva to really launch a respectable goober onto an American's face. So give the old guys a break. Even if they try and spit and nothing but dust comes out of their mouths, take out your handkerchief and pretend to wipe off your face, anyway. Remember, the face you save may be your own!
5. Be aware of differences in calculating age in Korea and America.
Many Americans force poor Koreans to tar and pickle them because they forget to do some very simple math. Americans calculate their age from birth. Koreans calculate the age of Americans in dog years. So, yes, Mr. Lazybones Octogenarian from Peoria who emailed me last week, that 13 year-old Korean boy did have a legitimate right to your seat. Stop your whining, Grandpa, those bruises will do your circulation some good.
6. Help Koreans with their English.
Thanks to American imperialism and global hegemony all Koreans have to learn English so they can send death threats to Apollo Anton Ohno. Not very fair, is it? But isn't it just as unfair that Koreans are always the ones who have to come up to the Americans and ask for help with their English? Remember when you were little. Your mom didn't just expect you to do your chores, but to DO THEM WITHOUT BEING TOLD! It seems some of us have forgotten mom's golden rule in Korea, leaving Koreans with the burden of always having to break the ice when they need an American to proofread their English term papers and company reports for free. And what if no one says yes when you announce on a train, "Who wants to practice English with me even though French is my first language?" Would it kill you to talk to yourself really loud in English for a while? After all, listening comprehension is tested on that battering ram of American hegemony, the TOEIC.
7. Show proper decorum when traveling with your Korean wife/girlfriend.
How hard is this to understand? Hello, Seoul is not free love central. Keep your raging American hormones in check when you ride the subway with the Korean woman in your life. No hugging, no kissing, no holding hands. And don't go getting all offended if some conservative old men strip your wife/girlfriend down to her underwear and force her to squeal like a pig and beg Tangun's forgiveness. Americans have to learn to stop being soooooo sensitive.
8. If you are arrested by the Korean police after picking a fight with Koreans on the subway, don't try to weasel your way out with false accusations.
Let's face it. We Americans often have a hard time taking responsibility for our own actions. If you are going to claim you were in fear for your life when you gave a fat lip to one of those 500 Korean college kids you tussled with on the blue line, you damn sure better be dead to prove it.
9. Keep your children in line.
Korean college kids studied long hours to get into their universities. They have a lot of sleep to catch up on. The last thing they need is to be disturbed on the subway by a bunch of arrogant American brats who don't have the common courtesy to disguise themselves as the children of Dutch embassy officials. (Wooden shoes and Hiddink t-shirts are available at the PX.) And for those of you with half-Korean children, make sure never to take them on a train without their sterilization papers.
10. A little common sense goes a long way.
Most Americans wouldn't dream of riding in a car without wearing a seatbelt. Yet, how many times have I seen an American on the Korean subway without an English-Korean dictionary for translating fliers. I am sick to death of the excuse, 'I just riding a few stops and I knew they wouldn't be handing out fliers.' Well, I'll have you know that 90 percent of all Americans are handed fliers within two stops of their home station.
When it comes right down to it folks the basic issue is just respect and cultural sensitivity. And buying your clothes from the Russian Gangster Outlet in Pusan.
Happy trails folks. See you at the turnstile with all your teeth intact.
by Ben Eller
Seoul
Eller's ten step guide to riding a Korean subway while American