Big Brother *Castlevania style!*

Back

Big Brother!

Day 1 - Alucard admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Maria. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Lisa is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Dracula later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.

2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Richter creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Succubus hits him with a Crissaegrim.

3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of Dracula's Castle out of Pot Roast.After much persuasion by Richter, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.

4 - Training for the Dracula's Castle task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Dracula, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the Pot Roast. Succubus is furious.

5 - Today is the day when the Dracula's Castle task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Dracula farts and blows Dracula's Castle over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Maria cries.

6 - Richter gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.

7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Maria admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a Crissaegrim. Alucard says he never wears condoms because they make his ass sore and Richter agrees. Lisa goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Dracula sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Richter.

8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Alucard goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Succubus and Maria are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Alucard.

9 - Succubus and Maria are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Lisa sings them a song - Backstreet's Back - to make them feel better.

10 -
The public vote Maria out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Maria leaves.

11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Maria's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Lisa has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Succubus is visibly depressed and is comforted by Richter, who tries to touch her on her breasts.

12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Richter touching Succubus's breasts over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.

13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Dracula refuses to run because his ass hurts a bit.

14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Dracula finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Succubus calls Dracula a lazy ass.

15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Alucard tells everyone individually that he thinks Succubus is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Succubus and Richter are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Alucard.
16 - The nominations are announced. Succubus can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Richter is equally stunned and turns to Succubus for comfort. Dracula is distraught and confesses to Lisa that he thinks he is in love with Richter. Lisa says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know.

17 - The public vote Richter out of the house. Succubus says she is gutted and even gives Richter a clipping of hair from her breasts to prove how much she cares. Dracula is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Richter leaves.

18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Succubus clipping the hair from her breasts. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.

19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Outer Mongolia in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.

20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Outer Mongolia sounds like but Dracula says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Alucard as the one who must complete the task.

21 - Alucard successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Outer Mongolia but also God Save The Queen, Backstreet's Back and the theme tune to The X Files. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.

22 - Nominations are due and Alucard tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Dracula and Lisa are nominated.

23 - Dracula and Lisa take their nominations well and sit down with Alucard and Succubus to discuss why they voted for them. Alucard keeps quiet but Succubus accuses Dracula of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred ass before bursting into tears.

24 - The public vote Lisa out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. Lisa leaves.

25 - Alucard becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Alucard's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.

26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of Diplocephalus dung using only a Crissaegrim. Alucard is unsure but Dracula is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.

27 - Completely out of the blue, Dracula breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the Diplocephalus incident from his childhood. Succubus tries to persuade him to stay but Alucard sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Dracula decides to leave.

28 - With only two housemates remaining, the Diplocephalus dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Succubus from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.

29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Alucard asks Succubus to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Alucard nominates Succubus to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Succubus.

30 - When the nomination is announced, Succubus graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Alucard is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Alucard takes his £70,000 and runs away to Outer Mongolia. Nobody, including Succubus, ever sees him again.