Umbrella Emails


From Jeff in security

Yesterday I left an apple by the typewriter in the security office. And when I got back from the bathroom it was gone. Now I'm not blaming anyone. So nobody should start getting defensive here. I get enough of that at home. However, at 10 pm I went on my usual patrol around the turntable, and what did I find by the back door to the locomotive? An apple core. Somebody (Again, not naming names here) walked off with my apple, ate it, then tossed the core behind the locomotive. You know, like no one would notice. Well guess what? I noticed. So not only is someone (Again, I'm NOT blaming anyone!) an apple thief but they were also littering. The only other person on duty in the security office at the time was Ed (Who I am not blaming for this!). However, I noticed that Ed was not in the office when I returned from the bathroom. Maybe he was on patrol or heard a suspicious noise or something. I don't know. But this was when I noticed that my apple was gone. And while I AM NOT blaming Ed, I am requesting that this matter be looked into as soon as possible. Thank you.

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From Greg in low temperature experiments

Why can't I keep my popsicles in the low temperature experiment room? You let Bob in chemical disposal keep his insulin in the chemical storage refrigerator. So why can't I keep my popsicles in the low temperature experiments room? I work there. It's like my office. So why can't I keep my popsicles in my office where it's nice and cold and they won't melt? I can't keep them in the break room. The refrigerator there doesn't get cold enough. And I'm not keeping anything in that refrigerator anymore anyway. Last week someone stole my Mountain Dew that had my name on it.

But getting back to my popsicles, I was told by management that I am under no circumstances allowed to keep food of any kind in the low temperature experiment room due to contamination concerns. What contamination concerns? The popsicles are in a box and each popsicle is individually wrapped in plastic. And it's not like they are going to melt in there anyway. So I fail to see how they could contaminate anything. What about Bob's insulin? The bottle could leak or break and insulin would contaminate other chemicals. Now that's a serious risk! But the higher ups don't see it this way.

Why is Bob getting preferential treatment? Is it because he's been here longer than me? That's not fair. My popsicles are just as important as Bob's insulin and I am requesting to be treated fairly here. Is that so much to ask? Fairness in the workplace? I hope you consider my concerns and address them promptly.

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From Harry in maintenance

I'm registering a complaint about the toilet paper in this place. Some time around the middle of last week I noticed that the soft high quality toilet paper we've had here for years was switched out for a cheap and scratchy discount brand. At first I figured that we ran out of the good stuff and this was only a temporary issue. Well, I came back to work this Monday after my much deserved three day weekend only to find that the bathrooms are still stocked with cheap low grade toilet paper. I am appalled. I have been working here since before this facility was fully operational. I think that I've put enough time in to deserve a little compensation for all my years of loyal service to Umbrella.

Frankly I am shocked that one of the world's largest pharmaceutical companies cannot afford to provide soft, quilted, high quality two-ply toilet paper for the loyal employees that keep them up and running every day. Therefore I don't feel that it's too much to ask that the toilet paper be changed back to the high quality brand that I have come to rely on every day. I don't want to resort to bringing toilet paper from home when I shouldn't have to.

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From Randy in G Virus research and development

William keeps stealing my coffee cup. Every morning when I go to get my coffee I can't find my cup because it's already on William Birkin's desk. I could understand if it was a company cup. But it's my coffee cup that I brought from home. I even wrote my name on it with permanent, water proof marker. But he is still using it anyway. It's bad enough that by the time I find another cup he's already drank most of the coffee. Not to mention that he's a total slob and spills cream and sugar everywhere.

Yesterday I asked him nicely if I could have my cup back. And his wife yelled at me for upsetting "Her William while he's working". Meanwhile he's just staring blankly at his computer screen sipping coffee out of my coffee cup. Then he has the nerve to turn to me and ask me if there was any more coffee.

I simply cannot work in such a hostile environment where the sanctity of my coffee cup is not respected. I demand something be done about this. Thank you for your time.

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