Showdown in Midgar Gulch part 2: The Devil Went Down To Midgar

Tifa shoved past Aeris, knocking her into a pile of Chocobo droppings.
Aeris burst into tears and ran home to get a clean dress, leaving Zack jr. with old man Gast.

Tifa grabbed Cloud by the collar and yelled in his face. "The dang sheriff is a flea baggin'-"

BONG!!!!

The bell sounded off again.
"Sorry," Johnny shouted, scratching his head. "My hand slipped."

Tifa's face turned as red as an Ifrit. Cloud started to sweat.
"Uhh...., Tifa...," he asked timidly. "You ok?" "Y'all ken jus' find out fer yerselves!" Tifa yelled, storming off. "I'm plumb sick of tryin' to tell ya!"
Cloud wiped his brow with a handkercheif and sighed. "I swears as long as I live I'll never learn how to figure women folks!"

There was alot of clamour in town when the squad car drove in.Mayor Domino was getting his speach in order, puposely dropping the papers so the lovely Miss Green would have to bend over and pick them up.

"They're getting out of the car!" A little boy yelled, jumping up and down. Everyone turned to look as Domino cleared his throat and began to speak.

As Red was opening his door he suddenly sneezed and fell out onto the ground. Grumbling he slammed the door, not realizing his tail was in the way. He screeched, jumping into the air. His fur was standing on end. As this was happening Domino was starting his speech.
"It is with great pleasure," he began. That we, the citizens of Midgar Gulch extend a laurel and hardy handshake to our new-"
Miss Green tapped Domino on the shoulder and as he looked up and saw Red he finished his sentence.
"Flea bag?"
Everyone gasped and exclaimed in unison. "A red sheriff?!"

Just then Barret got out of his door and helped Red with his tail.
He looked around at the surprised faces of the locals. They simply repeated their response after seeing Red.
"The hell you talkin' 'bout!" Barret said, irritated. I'm the &$#% sheriff. Red here's the deputy!"
The townspeople turned to look at each other, shaking their heads and mumbling, seemingly in relief. Then they exclaimed in unison again. "A red deputy?!" Barret shook his head. "Stupid hicks....," he mumbled as he and Red made their way through the crowd.
"Where's the sheriff's office?" Barret asked. "I'm tired and hot and hungry!"
Domino pointed towards the office. Still staring at Red, as everyone else was.
Cloud turned to Shera, who seemed a little better after she had gotten some fresh air and sunshine.
"Well," he said. "At least he's got a mouth sorta like Cid's...."
This sent Shera bawling again.
Both Cloud and Sephiroth tried to calm her down to no avail. They then decided to take her back to the hotel to rest.

Tifa was stumbling through the crowd cursing up a storm. The booze had hit her and she was seeing double. She walked right into someone and let out a barage of curses.
"Watch where the %$&^#* hell you are ^@!$*& goin'!" Tifa yelled drunkenly.
"It's you...," Vincent said. "I need to speak with you."
Tifa scowled. "What in the name of Neo Bahamut do you want weirdo?!"
Vincent pointed to the stage area. "You see that girl over there?" He asked.
"Ya mean Yuffie?" Tifa answered. Although in her condition it looked as if there were four Yuffies.
"That's not Yuffie....," Vincent said. "It's Lucifer." Tifa looked at Vincent like he had chocobos parachuting out of his nose.
"What the $#*%# hell are you talkin' 'bout now?! I swears yer crazier than a Behemoth with leprosy!"
Vincent shook his head and sighed. "Remember when we confronted Hojo in the bar? The materia he had?"
Tifa's drunken thoughts slowly came into realization. "Oh... Oh yeah! What about it weirdo?"
"Well," Vincent began. "I don't think that was really Hojo... I'm going to need your help."

Vincent grabbed Tifa and pulled her behind a large saraha tree.
"Whaddaya think yer doin' weirdo?!" Tifa yelled as Vincent put her hand over her mouth, causing Tifa to retaliate by kicking him in the family jewels.
"Ahhh!" Vincent yelled, grunting. "What did you do that for!"
"'Cause ya grabbed me you weirdo!" Tifa yelled back.
Vincent got up and shook his head, still in considerable pain. "I'm sorry," he said, annoyed. "Anyway, I need you to help me."
"And why is that?" Tifa said, suspicious.
"Because you are just about the only one here who isn't a bonafide country bumpkin." Vincent answered.
"Yeah? What about Seph eh?" Tifa asked.
Vincent shook his head. "He cannot be completely trusted."
"Yeah well how in the name of Kjata do I know that you ain't usin' me fer my beautiful looks and hot body? You wanna date doncha weirdo? Well if that's the case then fergeddit!"
"No," Vincent answered. "That is not the case. Believe me! There is only one woman for me...."
Vincent then put his head down for a minute to reflect on his words.He was suddenly snapped to attention when Tifa smacked him upside the head.
"Cut the mog manure weirdo!"! She said. "I knows what you want! You ain't gettin' any!"
"Fine," Vincent said. "Don't believe me. But I do really need your help.I wish you would reconsider..."
Tifa looked up at Vincent's face. "Fine!" She said. "You look sincere, kinda... in a way... I'll help. But on a trial basis and that's that! I swear by Chupon if you make even one pass at me I'll kick your sorry arse six ways from december!"
"Fine!" Vincent said. "Anything, let's just get on with it already."
Tifa flashed an angry look. "What did ya say?"
"I didn't mean it like that." Vincent said.
"Yeah well, better watch yerself there weirdo!" Tifa replied as they walked back to the hotel to discuss what could be done about Lucifer.

Barret kicked open the door to the sheriff's office. "The hell kinda hick town is this?" He said. "Flies buzzin' everywhere!
Jeez! Don't they ever sweep the #$*@% floor?!"
Just then Red sneezed, sending up a small cloud of dust. "Hey, Barret?" He said. "I have a very bad feeling about this place... Something is very wrong here."
"Yeah, yeah," Barret replied, slamming his huge fist down on a nearby table. "There ain't no bathroom! Just a damn $#@*%! outhouse!"
"No, I mean there is a very ominous presence here Barret. We better be very careful..."

Just then there was a knock at the door.
"Great," Barret said. "Right away the hillbillies have to start buzzing around!"
Red opened the door. "Yes?"
A girl walked in and sat down on a chair. "My name's Yuffie," she said.
I wanna reg'ster a complaint about that drunkard Tifa!"

Meanwhile, the real Yuffie was wondering the Corel desert. The sun was beating down and she was already peeling.
She didn't have the Conformer on her so she had to evade the many desert monsters that roamed this arid area.
Yuffie was muttering curses to herself when she heard some familiar voices in the distance."Is it a mirage or somethin'?" She said aloud, sheilding her eyes as she looked around.
Walking onward she made out the outline of three figures. Shocked at what she saw she hid behind a large cactus.
"Oh my gawd!" She whispered. "Are they who I think they are?"

"I told you!" A blonde female exclaimed. "I don't have any ointment for that!"
"But it really itches!" Whined a red haired man with equally red bumps on his face.
"You should of thought of that before you tried to pick a fight with that Cactuar!" A bald man said in a mocking tone.
"Hey, c'mon Elena!" The red haired man said. "You broads always have a makeup case full of stuff!"
"Don't you call me a broad pizza face!" Elena yelled, clenching her fists.
"Hey," the bald man said, trying to intervine. "How'd ya like to be me! I got sunburn on my head!"
"Well next time take a hat!" Elena hissed. "I swear! Sometimes I think you're dumber than Reno!"
"Hey!" Reno yelled back. "You guys act as if it was my fault! How was I supposed to know that I was allergic to cactuar needles!?"

Yuffie could take no more. They had canteens which meant they had water.
She had no choice...
She had to get help from the Turks...

Dusting herself off, Yuffie walked towards the group.
"Umm... Hello?" She asked in a strangely timid tone. Reno brandished his lightning rod. "Who the Ifrit are you?"
"Yuffie..." she answered weakly, her throat dry and coarse.
"Hey!" Elena said. "Don't use that weapon! We need it to start fires!"
"Maybe if you didn't smoke so damn much then we'd have some matches left!" Reno yelled.
"Well atleast I didn't toss my fire materia into that big worm's mouth!" Elena flashed back.
"Yeah, well..," Reno answered. "I ran out of MP! I had to do something! And you used up the last of the ether! And atleast unlike you and Rude I had the common sense to bring fire materia!"
"Uhh... I was jus' hopin' for some water and a ride back to Midgar Gulch...," Yuffie said nervously.
"Well we ain't goin' nowhere...," said Reno. "We're stuck! We can't even contact Tseng since Elena had to go and sit her blubber filled, elfadunk butt down on our PHS!"
"I do not have a fat ass!" Elena screamed, slapping Reno so hard he went flying.
Yuffie couldn't help but laugh. These three were bigger bafoons than she thought they were.

"Hey?" Rude said. "Don't we know you..."
"Uhh... nope! Must be somebody else yer thinkin' of." Yuffie said.
"Well, fair enough...," Rude answered. As long as you are here you can stay with us. Those two clows aren't much help anyway."
"Hey!" Reno and Elena yelled in unison.
"Anyway," Rude finished. "It'll be dark soon. You can have supper with us. We got plenty of cans of Shinra regulation baked beans."

Meanwhile, at Shinra headquarters....

"Dammit!" Tseng said. "Where the hell are they?"
Tseng had sent his fellow Turks out to search for a a mysterious red clad man that was rumored to be a former Turk himself. Apparently he had become a sort of vigilante and the Shinra wanted him back. The last known info on him pointed to the Gold Saucer.
But his subordinates had not contacted him in over 24 hours. He was begining to think something had gone wrong.
Suddenly the phone rang and Tseng scrambled to answer.
"Hello!" He said. Turks HQ! Reno? Elena? Rude?!"
"NO!" An angry voice shouted. "It's me, president Rufus, you know... your leader. The guy who signs your worthless paycheck?! And speaking of paychecks...."
"I'm sorry!" Tseng pleaded. "It's all my fault they are missing!"
"Damn straight it is!" Rufus replied, setting up his Star Wars figures as he reinacted Return of the Jedi. "And don't interrupt me when I'm talking!"
I'm sorry sir...," Tseng replied.
"I said don't interrupt me!" Rufus yelled, popping a CalmAll. "I am sorely disappointed in you Tsang.."
Umm, that's Tseng sir...," the head Turk replied sheepishly.
"Whatever..," Rufus said. "And don't interrupt me again! That's the third group of Turks that you've lost in two years! The third group! I can't afford to keep training new Turks! Do you think gil grows on trees Tsing? Well it doesn't!"
"Umm... actually," Tseng corrected. "It's Tseng..."
"What in the name of moogle does that have to do with our conversation?!" Rufus yelled into the phone. "You have two days to locate... umm..." Rufus started to page through his records, unable to find them underneath the piles of printed out Harry Potter fanfiction he just guessed the names off the top of his head. "As I said, two days.. You have to days to locate and report on.... Umm..... Rube, Helena and... uhh... Beano.... yeah, whatever. If in two days you do not report back with info regarding your subordinates I will personally fire your sorry ass! Now if you excuse me, I am very busy! Goodbye!" Rufus then slammed the phone down. He had a Jedi battle to finish.

"Hmmph...," Tseng mumbled. "He can't even remember the names of his own employees... What a loser. Well, no paycheck, no chicks. I better start looking." Back at Corel desert,

"So," Yuffie said nervously. "How'd you guys get stuck out here?"
"Well," Reno began. "Tseng sent-"
Elena then smacked Reno upside the head before he could say anymore.
"What he means," Elena began. "Is that we are... uhh.... land surveyers and we were here to survey the value of the land and we got lost."
"The Corel desert has a value? It's a wasteland." Yuffie said.
"Well... uhh...," Rude started. "Heheh you know that crazy Dio!" Heheh...."
"Didn't you guys say something about Tseng though?" Yuffie asked.
"Alright! We admit it! we're Turks!" Rude blurted out, causing Elena to smack him upside the head.
"Look," We are looking for a guy named Vincent Valentine ok! Don't you dare leak out any info and blow our investigation!"
"Fine, fine!" Yuffie shouted, annoyed. "But I know where he's hiding..."
Suddenly Elena jumped up and grabbed Yuffie by her shoulders. "Where?!"
Yuffie smiled. "I'll tell you if you give me all of your materia!"
"No way!" Elena yelled. "Not in a million years brat!"
"Hey, Elena...," Reno pleaded. "Calm down. I'm starved. Maybe we can work something out over dinner."
"Fine!" Elena shouted, letting go of Yuffie go.

Elena's stomache churned as Rude heated up the bean cans over the fire started with Reno's weapon. She hated beans.
And as Rude handed each one of them an open can of hot beans she felt nauseous.
"Uhh, guys... I can't eat. I don't feel so well."
"Oh well! More for me!" Reno shouted happily, grabbing Elena's can of beans and digging in.

"So," Reno began. "How about we give you half of our materia in exchange for Vincent's location?"
"No you idiot!" Elena yelled. "That's too much! Hey... what's that smell? Who ripped one?"
"Not me!" Reno said with his mouth full.
"He who smelt it dealt it," Rude added.
Elena scowled. "Shut up!"
"You know, *fart*" Reno said. "It's a good thing that you *fart* passed on dinner Elena. It'll *fart* help reduce that oversized ass of yours!"
"I do not have a big ass!!!" Elena shouted.
"Actually," Yuffie added. "You *fart* could lose about five *fart* pounds!"
"Shut up! And stop farting!" Elena yelled, enraged.
"I'm not *fart* farting Elena," Rude said. "And I *fart* don't think you have a big butt at all."
"Who cares what you think!" Elena said. "Shut up! I'm so sick of you idiots already!"
"Fine, whatever!" Reno said. "Now how about we *fart* give you one comet, three *fart* bolt and *fart two ice materia?"
"No!" Yuffie said. "I *fart* need atleast one *fart* summon materia and two support materia or no *fart* deal!"
"Elena has *fart* Shiva." Rude added.
"Oh no! You aren't getting my Shiva! No way! Do you know how many stupid games of Wonder Catcher I had to play before I won this?! No way!"
"No *fart* Shiva, No deal!" Yuffie said.
"Fine," Elena replied. "We'll just rough you up until you spill the damn info!"
"No way *fart* Elena." Rude protested. "My mom taught me never to *fart* rough up girls. If she *fart finds out she'll stop *fart* doing my laundry."
"Fine!" Elena said, tossing her materia to yuffie. "It's a deal. Just stop farting already!"
"I don't *fart know what you are talking about," Yuffie said. "But *fart* Vincent is in Midgar *fart *Gulch."
"Ugh! Stop it! Stop passing wind! Agh!" Elena said as she walked away with her fists clenched, gritting her teeth.
"Gee," Reno said. "What in the name of *fart* Bahamut is her problem?"
"Beats *fart* Me!" Yuffie answered, finishing her beans.

Part 5
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