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Journaling
Saturday, 17 April 2004
Wow
Its amazing how you can feel totally in control of your like and then in a whirlwind have it completely change its direction. I feel so dumb even writing this about a guy. But these are the crazy emotions i am going through right now. I am so afraid that this is all too good to be true. I know my wonderful dream is going to end, i am just not this lucky. I don't even remember what it is like to be in a relationship. I am so "in like" with this guy. Like more than i have been in almost in 2 years. Even when i started dating Jason i didn't feel this. I thought he and i were going to get married. My mind is so full of mixed emotions. Go ahead and keep living this awesome dream....or hold back, don't get hurt... My life is so crazy right now, it seems like he is the only one that holds any stability. Am i ready for this? I really don't know...but i am going to let it go as i can.

Posted by journal2/sweetorsour at 12:21 PM EDT
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Tuesday, 13 April 2004
Mindless Ramblings
Rehearsal tonight was really no fun. I got hit in the head with a plate....and that kind of hurt. I blew it off as if it didn't. I'm not weak, or at least i don't want them to see that i am. Life has just been so chaotic lately. I work 9-5 the have rehearsal from 630-1030. By the time we start rehearsal i am soooo tired i just don't want to do anything. Its been really hard for me to stay focused on stage. What is wrong with me?! Like my head is every where else, besides where it needs to be. Also today my manager called me a Jackass, which once again hurt my feelings a lot but i pretended like it didn't. He seriously picked on me all day long, and i mean i can only take so much you know? I am so fed up with everything right now...My manager put in his 2 weeks so now he doesn't care about anything which is hard to take, rehearsals seem to be getting nowhere once again...hard to deal with, my mom is mad cause i am not home enough to help out, and thats one of this if momma ain't happy aint nobody happy. I feel like i am losing friends since i don't have a lot of time to spend with them. Kari, Maria, Emily, Missie, Jessi just to name a few... I am also soooo poor, all my money goes to food or gas or bills because i don't have time to go home to eat, and if i do i use more gas! Its a neverending battle it seems. Where is my life even headed?? Am i going to work at click camera for the rest of my god forsaken life??? I sure as hell hope not. I tried asking xela for help getting an agent and putting my resume together but she doesn't know what shes doing! I don't know who else or where else to turn. So guess this wasn't deep or meaningful....just a bunch of blabbing. blah blah blah my life is busy and blah!

Posted by journal2/sweetorsour at 11:18 PM EDT
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Friends are Friends Forever
I love how friendships evolve. I normally start out judging people. Something i really need to learn to work on. Like Jen H. for instance, i really thought she was stuck up. I am now learning she is really one of the most wonderful people in my life. She is someone who i have a lot in common with. Her and I can truly relate to each other. Though i have more "life experience", she can always give me good non biased advice. I am so lucky to have as many wonderful and absolutely amazing friends as i do. I just don't know what i am going to do when i leave for scotland in July. I was telling Sara A. about this earlier tonight. She is another one of those awesome people in my life. Someone who i know regardless of how dumb i act she won't judge or laugh, just be there for me. These 2 girls i have spent a lot of time with lately and they deserve more than just a thank you but right now this is all i can give them. Like each friend is good for something special and fits perfectly into my life. So i guess the point in writing this entry is to send out a huge thank you to all those important and wonderful people who have touched my heart in a special way. I can't name everyone's name but you know who you are.

Posted by journal2/sweetorsour at 12:21 AM EDT
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Sunday, 11 April 2004
Anxiety
Every night when i go to bed i think can i live on just water and crackers for the rest of my life. Well i'll try tomorrow. It's sad but then i think, what if i try throwing up again. What will make me skinny fast? Is this the only way I will ever get a date again? It almost seems worth it. I want to get out of my size 12/14's and back into my 7's. I went shopping for costumes on friday and all the other girls in my show are just so tiny, my waist is even bigger than half of the guys. Ouch that hurt. I just don't want to be considered a "big girl". That is the biggest fear of my life. Guys used to hit on me all the time, now I am lucky if a nasty guy hits on me. I was so hyped on caffeine last night i couldn't sleep and when i can't sleep this is the stuff i think of. I really hope and pray that when my head hits that pillow that i can just fall asleep without any thoughts. Wow this is quite depressing...i am done writing now.
~Thinner Thoughts

Posted by journal2/sweetorsour at 11:54 AM EDT
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Family
Today has been crazy. We had have a meeting before rehearsal so we could voice our frustrations. Which was quite difficult for me since i have such an issue with confrontation. I don't know if this is from being knocked down each and every time i try to stand up for myself, or me being insecure. Really i have no idea. Though it is funny how Jen referred to the Noises Off cast as a family. Since at this point in time I have 3 "families". My auryn "family" which seems to be falling apart at the seams. I thought it was getting better, but i knew it was too good to be true. Next is my noises off "family", these are people i spend at least four hours with a day. Don't get me wrong I love them all like brothers and sisters. Jason~ first of all i respect so much. I truly think of him as my big brother, like he would do anything to help me out. Which is what really sucked when i was upset with him because i didn't want to hurt that relationship but i was just so frustrated i couldn't stand it. though now i feel as though our bond is even stronger. Jen~ is just such a sweet girl, with the biggest heart of anyone i know. She is someone who I know i can trust no matter what. That is so hard to find. I also love to watch her act, it seems as thought it comes with such ease and grace, something i wish i could have. Lisa~ she was my first friend in this theatre dept. and we have done a lot together. And it has been really fun to watch her grow into a really amazing actress. And thirdly obviously my real family. This past week has just be sooo hectic with Noises Off and the Auryn family all feeling as though it was all falling apart, i felt like i had nothing to hold on to. Like i was losing almost everything that ever meant anything to me. Now that Noises Off is getting better i can only hope auryn will do the same, though i don't see it happening anytime soon. So i have written for a while now. So i am out!
~Scared and Alone

Posted by journal2/sweetorsour at 12:42 AM EDT
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