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Wednesday, 10 December 2003
Here it goes.
Well, I guess it's no secret that I haven't been updating often - afterall, the last entry was posted on the first - I'm hoping this will somehow make up for it. The reason I haven't been posting hasn't been because I was busy, or my net was down, or some problem within the site itself - I just haven't had anything to say, nothing new was happening. I always thought that once Year 12 was over the only change would be that there's no more school work, and the growing up thing - but I didn't realize what school really does. It mixes things up. Hundreds of people my age, completely different and unique in every way, all in the same place, it makes life interesting - life outside of school is controlled - and boring. I figured out what that anxiety was - and it's related. I need an adventure. I wish I could just strap a bag on my back and be on my way across some completely unknown world - maybe it's just the Tolkien inside me but I really need an adventure - the pity is, there aren't many adventures left in the world, and none of them are worth doing. So for now, I'm Darwin, I'll be in the USA again in a few weeks, but it's not the kind of journey I'm looking for. I guess I just have to wait for University to start again, because it's guaranteed to be an adventure.

I think though, that this restlessnes is just the begining of me. The last few days I've been thinking alot about it, and I've finally worked out something that I've been doing, yet never knew why. I will find something, a hobby, or a book/tv series, anything, and I will keep it to myself, and if I enjoy it, I'll of course subsequently have a good time. I do this for weeks, really start building myself around it, and identify myself with it. As is my way, I find something, and excess on it. But then I share it, show it to someone. This of course leads to me introducing it to nearly everyone who may be interested. Inevitably I can no longer identify myself to it - because it's not unique, not independant from my friends. And thus, is my inherent confusion in life. I think that was the real reason my Battlefield:1942 clan meant so much to me - they were people I could share it with, instead of the people immediately around me - it was something that made me independant and different from them, and it was something completely my own. Of course when we moved, that part of my life was nearly gone, I tried to stay involved in the clan, but it just wasn't possible. So I supose I lost the last thing that was just my own.

I've started working out in the gym in my building pretty regularly - I'm very out of shape but hopefully I can reduce that for university. Plus, I'm desperately bored these days - I'd get a job but I'm leaving on that trip in a few weeks, so I'll have to wait until afterwards. I have to say though, I'm absolutely ready for this trip. It's not the kind of adventure I need, but it's something at least, and it will give me the chance to leave some stuff behind me I really don't want to deal with anymore. I just hope this trip isn't quite as confusing as the last one in some areas.

Well, I guess I've gotten most of that stuff off of my chest. I talked about myself, which is important in a blog, but I guess I just want to imbue some wisdom on you, I've learned during the time I've written this. over time, there are moments which completely change the course of the rest of your life, sometimes they're small, subtle moments, and sometimes they're not. You can't control this, these moments are unavoidable - they can never be prepared for. But that's not to say you're powerless over these moments - because it's how you handle them, that determines who you are, and that's the most important thing in the end.

So there it is, that's it, that's been the last few months in my life. High School is over, I got a little older, I'd like to say I got a little wiser, but it could be better said I was just reminded of my mistakes. So now I'm going to take a break, from life I mean, I'm going to do what I've done these last 2 weeks - take it easy, and try not to let things get to me. When university starts I'll wake up, and be back in action, but until then, I have to say - goodbye.

-The End.

Posted by journal2/squashland at 11:36 PM EAST
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Monday, 1 December 2003
And now for something completely different
A word of warning before you read anymore, if indeed any of you read this, if so than I am shocked and amazed - there is little in my life to talk about so I'm doing something completely, totally, and absolutely different - I'm going to talk a little bit about horror movies. Actually I'm going to talk *alot* about horror movies - if you aren't really interested then don't read it, and if you want to read juicy details about me then don't read them, I'm basically writting this entirely for my sake, as it's been something I've been thinking over in my head for a long time.

This year is without a doubt the year for the action/adventure genre - as was last year, with the Matrix and The Lord of The Rings being the key money earners- the years before were mostly romantic comedy oriented and next year is looking to be an action year - with releases like "Underworld" coming out. So what's happened to the horror genre? Why is it that in the last few years the only true horror movie that is note-worthy at all was "Jeepers Creepers"? The answer is of course, they don't bring in enough money, and they don't bring in the money because they aren't any good - the genre has been killed. Hack and slash movies are without a doubt the culprit - with movies like "scream" turning horror movies into blood fests - film techniques being replaced by more blood - it's all rediculous, they're often mistaken by many as action movies - the only difference being the victims rarely fight back. So, what's gone so horribly wrong? Why are horror movies sucking more and more each year? Well here's my opinion.

Survival Horror: The survival horror sub-genre of horror movies has always been a popular one - and tend to be the big money earners. They involve heavy character development so the audience is almost personally involved in each character - then introducing them to an environment in which they have no control what so ever.

Some good movies using this sub-genre are:

Some bad movies in this genre are:
"I know what you did last summer"
and pretty much every teen horror movie known to man

The key to Survival Horrors is empathy - the audience must have empathy for the characters who are put into a situation, in which they have little to know control. This might not be physically, as shown in "Psycho", however it cannot be denied that most of the characters had little control at all over the forces against them. The audience must be afraid FOR the characters. Techniques wise suspense is the ultimate technique needed - the soundtrack here is probably more crucial than in any other genre, and it must be constant, and fit perfectly in with the story. HOWEVER: This is also the best genre to impliment silence, as shown by "The Candyman", probably the last successful survival horror - excluding "Relic", as it used silence extensively to capitolise on the suspence. Music makes rhythym - rhythym makes a pace - without a pace, time seems to pass slower. With this extra time the audience can imagine what's around the corner, or what's looming in the darkness - suspense is in the mind, not the movie, instilling it onto the audience is crucial.

So, where'd the modern Survival Horrors, such as "scream" go so wrong? First of all, too much of the villain is shown - they become a human force - in this genre this is a very bad thing. The characters must find themselves in a SITUATION they have no control in, not pitted against another human - this adds humility. The exception to this was "Psycho", however not fully, as the "mother" character hadn't truely unfolded until the end when there is a realization of what truely transpired. Also, the modern movies capitolise on the violence, adding yet another human element to the movie - the villian is furtherly made human, he is given human traits such as violence. This even applies if the person is not human, such as in the movie "Predator", although it's clearly an action movie it cannot be denied it has Horror elements - and those elements don't succeed - because the villain, the Predator has too much humility. He has human aspects. The villain cannot be human to the audience at all - the villainous character is part of the situation, part of the environment.

Supernatural Horror: Supernatural horror is probably not what you're thinking: No, it's not Bram Stoker's Dracula, or most horror movies over 10 years old - these I've reserved in the "Classic Horror" section as Supernatural Horror has changed so much in the last 10 years or so - and not for the better. But criticisms aside, there are some good ones.
Good movies:
"The Shining"
"Pet Cemetary"
"The Relic"

Bad movies:
"Dracula 2000"
"An American Werewolf In Paris"

Now, the reason I've only noted two Bad Movies isn't because most of them are good - it's because I stay away from this Genre. I also hope you've all noticed how I've listed 3 Stephen King based movies - the reason for which is that he is the undisputed master of this genre, and is the only reason I don't shun it completely. The fact is no other movies of this genre are worth noting at all. The key to the Supernatural horror genre isn't as much empathy and character development as it is with Survival Horror. Insteady of being afraid for the characters, the audience must be afraid for themselves - the characters are simply vessels for the villains. Minimal character development is needed, the audience has no need for empathy. Also unlike Survival Horrors - the villains must have a face. I hope you all noticed "Jaws" is on the list for this genre. Supernatural? Not really, but there's minimal empathy for the characters, they are simply a vessel for the shark - the audience is afraid for themselves, not the characters whom the shark is eating. The villain has a face, and it must be showed at least occasionally in the movie - the suspence is likewise needed far less, and suprise is definetly not needed. Infact, I find the audience get's as much horror out of the movie if they are fully aware of what the menace is doing, so long as the lead characters don't. It gives the audience a sense of helplesnes. Such as again with Jaws - it shows shark attacks from the shark's viewpoint - in a survival horror the characters, and the audience would discover the attack together.

The reason this genre has gone bad? Well to be truthful, this is one genre that isn't entirely ruined, it seems it's the one genre in which Hollywood hasn't made too many blunders in, however a lack of originality means no new ones are being released. The key mistakes to make though is too instill too much empathy for the characters, and not give enough of a face value to the villain. For instance - the mistake made in "An American Werewolf in Paris" was that too much empathy was given to the characters, therefor the audience wasn't afraid for themselves.

Hack n' Slash: This one will be short, I promise, infact I won't even make a list of good and bad movies, because only two good movies (series) come to mind. Jason and Freddy. They're old, yet classics for good reason. The Hack n' Slash genre has since then been fused with Survival Horrors, as seen with most modern teen movies, including "scream", ruining both genres, as they are in essence complete opposites. To begin with, there is little to no empathy for the lead characters, minimal character development is needed. The villain has a face value, but moreso than in the Supernatural Horror genre - instead the Villain "is" the main character. At least half the movie is spent following the villain, leavingv little to the imagination. If so, then how is the audience driven to be afraid? The answer is, they aren't, they aren't driven to be afraid, unless they are very young and impressionable, as Kieran and Hedley demonstrated earlier by being afraid during Freddy vs. Jason, which was more an action movie than anything else. The movie thrives on startling people - the villain jumping around the corner with a knife - the double take, in which suspence is made through music and film techniques - the hero looks around the corner the camera is focused on, and nothing is there, they turn around and get stabbed in the chest. The movies must be predictable in the over-all longrun, yet they must keep the audience guessing in the short term. It actually takes a little understanding to enjoy these movies - you must understand that they aren't intended to actually scare the audience, just to startle them with fast movements and through the soundtrack. If the audience understands this the movie can be apreciated alot more. The only true problem these movies can face is sadly what is killing the genre - the movie is melded with other genres, which never works.

Classic Horror: This is without a doubt my favorite genre of movie, full stop. Not just my favorite Horror Genre, I think this is the ultimate in movies. These remain the only movies which can actually frighten me, with the exclusion of some Survival Horrors - such as Event Horizon which I watched when I was 13, and it scared the living daylights out of me. Classic Horror is, or was mainly Supernatural Horror before they became modernized and more or less butchered (with some exceptions), the perfect example, which my friends will kill me for using as I refer to the movie whenever talking about film making techniques - Bram Stoker's Dracula. It is my favorite movie of all time, if you haven't seen it go rent it, and if anyone's seen "Dracula, dead and loving it" and hasn't seen "Bram Stoker's Dracula" then you should know that "Dracula dead and loving it" is actually a direct spoof of it, not the genre, just that one movie. Other titles include the original werewolf movies, and of course "Frankenstein", but Bram Stoker's Dracula is the only fairly modern (in color) one that people can put up with really, as the olders ones don't have much in the way of special effects.

Classic horror involves a huge depth of character development - however, the audience cannot identify with the characters, or else the total effect is lost. Empathy is not a requirement, and the movie works well without it. The audience simply needs to understand the character's motives, and to be able to get into their mindset - they can't *share* a mindset with the characters, as with survival horror. As such the genre is unique from the others in this sense. The villain must also have a face - like Supernatural Horror, and the movie is very much focused on the villain, often moreso than the "hero" characters. But what makes Classic Horror so unique from the others, and is what in my opinion makes a movie bad or good is that Classic Horror relies almost entirely on film techniques, and I'm not refering to what lens, or type of camera they use - nor it's soundtrack. The only thing which is significantly different between this movie and the others besides film techniques is that little suspence at all is needed - until the final confrontation.

Techniques: These are some of the essential techniques needed in Horror movies, and are all but missing in most modern ones - they are what make Classic Horror work.

Control: As with checkers, a good horror movie is all about control. In a survival horror the characters must be put into an environment where they have little control. This is how survival horror instills fear - due to their environment the characters to which the audience is so empathetic to are stripped of any control, and are helpless. In the other genres, and most importantly in Classic Horror, control must be taken from the character BY the villain, which is what gives the villain his fear. This is why Hack and Slash movies aren't scary, the villain isn't horrifying, because the lead characters still have control. In Supernatural and Classic Horror, the villain must have the power to take the control from the characters. It is so necessary in Classic Horror because if the villains are the main character, how are people going to fear them? They fear the villain because the villain has so much power, and uses it maliciously, and the villain's power is demonstrated by his ability to strip the other characters of their control over the situation. Control is the key theme of a successful Horror movie - for example, using Bram Stokers Dracula, and I'm sorry if you haven't seen it - the character Renfield is the physical representation of the control. Insanity is the ultimate level of a loss of control - Dracula has taken Renfield's sanity from him, making Renfield the Metaphore for Control. Knowing that Dracula has this power is horrifying.

Eroticism: This isn't the key theme to muster in a good Horror movie - Control taking that role - but Eroticism is by far the most often overlooked, and I believe is the key failure behind "Dracula 2003", it was attempted, and it failed horribly - it is very rewarding if done properly, but very difficult. Eroticism isn't hot sex scenes, it isn't bimbos in tight sweaters, and it often doesn't have anything literal to do with sex. Eroticism is a general feeling instilled by the film onto the audience that often only has a figurative meaning. In Bram Stoker's Dracula, which I use as example again - the technique is exploited masterfully. There are few scenes in which Eroticism isn't used. Dracula's 3 lesser vampires are a good example, as they take control over the lead character (excluding Dracula) and hold him against his will, however they do this through very sexually oriented acts, their introduction cannot be considered anything but sexual, as they mystically rise through the bed he is lying on, and begin to feed on his blood. Dracula's feeding on Mina's friend is very sexual in nature, as Mina sees this he is shown as a horrific beast, and her friend is writhing erotically.

The supernatural has always been a metaphore for sex if looked at closely. Vampires and Werewolves in particular - they are normal people by appearance, however as monsters, and unleashed are one pure force of fury, powerful, unstopable, uncontainable. Vampires are often depicted as feeding from young maidens, have you ever considered why this is? When these myths and legends came into prominence in our society, sex was not an issue which could be openly talked about, these monsters are the literal symbol for sex.

This technique again is very hard to use though, as it cannot be made through skimply clad, or even naked women, nor anything too literal. For once I'm not going to use a Horror movie as an example, because there's an example which always comes to mind when I think about Eroticism in film, and it demonstrates that it is not a technique only used by Horror movies. I don't actually expect any of you to have seen this example, so I'll just describe it as best I can. It comes from the TV show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". Yeah, I know, not the most obvious source of this topic, but you'd be surprised if you read between the lines. In this, two characters, Willow and Tera are practicing magic - the show uses magic as a heavy metaphore for sex - there is no doubt. In one scene, which is probably the most intense of these magic scenes they cast a certain spell, what it is is unimportant.

It begins with Tera anointing Willow's forehead with some magic brew they made, then sitting side by side, looking at each other, with interlocked hands. The soundtrack is music which starts off softly - mostly Brass instruments, then picks up in pace as the spell goes on. In synchrony the two run one of their hands in a semi-circle around them, the two semi-circles forming a complete circle - as their hands move a line of bright white light follows - they once again hold hands, and the music picks up to become very loud, willow falls back, as sweat pours over her face and begins to cry out and writhe in a way which can only be described as erotically - the screen shifts to a bright white.

Within the scene there is nothing which can be literally seen as sexual, but figuratively that is what it is all about, and it is done well. If Horror movies follow this than they can achieve the feeling of sexuality which adds a new dimension to the film, and gets the audience far more involved.

Well, that about raps things up - if you read this good for you, hope you liked it, if not, hey can't blame you. Cya later.

PS: The next entry will be relevant to my life - I promise.

Posted by journal2/squashland at 11:46 PM EAST
Updated: Tuesday, 2 December 2003 1:19 AM EAST
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Saturday, 29 November 2003
Wow - that was pretty crap.
Yes, yes, I wen't to the formal, last night, and yes - it was crap. I understand that the formal itself wasn't that bad - instead of the conventional formal dancing to slow steady music sung by a live- old timing band - but instead was the modern jumping while waving your arms around to urban and hip hop music performed by a talented DJ. Infact the organization was fairly well done- one student actually sang a duet with her sister who doesn't go to CSC, the dinner itself was of a good quality and they even put together a break dancing performance. Yet to be honest I didn't have as good a time as everyone - including many of you readers had claimed I would. To that I say "HA! Proved you wrong!" Initially I was sitting on a table consisting of Arran, Eleanor, Hedley, Lizzi, Kieran, Jess, Matt and of course Fiona. The table was more or less full, with one free spot (as I was alone - the table had an odd number of people), meaning Lachlan, and his date Penny couldn't sit there - they walked towards our table, took one glance and just went to the one next to ours. Of course in responce to this Arran and Elleanor moved to sit with him. Ah well, I figured at the time I would have a good enough time talking with the group at my table, afterall, the majority of the usual gang was sitting there. Well, my suspicions were confirmed, as I think I pointed out in an earlier blog, the tables will fracture into little groups of 2, as the couples talk about this, that, and whatever - so I just sat there in silence for a little while, occasionally getting odd glances from people (as I did for most of the night, but I found ways around that later). At first sitting in silence wasn't too bad, gave me time to think, take in the scenery, relax, and whatnot. But then of course, after the first 10 minutes elapsed I began staring at the lit candles in the middle of our table, trying to estimate the rate of wax meltage. Oh well, not to worry, after about 5 minutes of wax meltage action Kieran was quick on the scene of conversation, starting with "So, what's it like going alone?". Almost as good as his timeless classic later in the night "We have to find you a girlfriend."

Soon enough though, after maybe another 10 minutes, we all got up for a group photo - including Arran and Lachlan, in which they - possibly seeing my plight invited me to join their table. I was a bit unsure about it at first - but they offered again and I just couldn't refuse. Instantly the night got better. I finally got the speak with the famous "Penny" whom I've heard so much about, and listened to her stories of Lachlan. She really is a great character, and you gotta admire her confidence - but even then this short reprieve of conversation ended when it was time to dance. They pleaded with me, but there was no way I was going up there, a dancing 5th wheel is a role I would rather not be part of, so I sat stubbornly at the table. Naturally Kieran was ready to spur me on as he passed me saying "You know, you look like an idiot sitting alone at a table." Well, I think he was trying to encourage me, but I realized he was right - so I went for a walk.

I started on my way out of the formal hall to walk around the hotel for a little while, the plan was to aimlessly wander around for 20 minutes or so. That is until Peta grabbed me by the arm en route. I have to say, this was an unpredicted - yet great turn of events for me. She had a date, but they were sitting at opposite ends of the hall, so she was pretty much alone, so we started walking and talking, and retreating back to her table. For the next half hour or so we just talked - some people took photos of us - it was fun. That was until she and our mutual friend Kate dragged me up there to dance. By dragged I mean literally, and I cannot stress that enough. I have to admit though, it wasn't that bad on the dance floor itself, we didn't stay long, but it was fun for a little while - plus we were on the completely opposite side of it from the rest of the usual gang, so they couldn't make assumptions about me and Peta. We did this for about 10 minutes or so - although I cannot stress enough how hard it is to judge time, just by recollection. We then retreated back to the table area, as people wanted photos. It was kind of funny, Kate and Peta pretty much draped themselves over me while I made true stag-like facial expressions for the photos. It was innocent enough, but came back to bite me on the ass later on.

The rest of the night was like following a certain pattern - we would go to our tables, I would talk to Arran, Lachlan, Eleanor and Penny, then people would go to dance and I would meet up with Peta. This pattern just repeated itself over and over - and it wasn't too bad in hindsight. Plus walking around with Peta cut back on those looks people gave me for being alone - and likewise I think Peta was glad for that on her side as well. I honestly owe most of the night's enjoyment to Peta though, if it wasn't for her I probably would have left after the first hour or two.

Finally the formal night was over and we made last minute plans to head back to Kieran's place to watch "Mars Attacks" with the exclusion of Arran, Eleanor, Penny, Matt, Fiona and Lizzi. The movie itself was alright, but the night ended with all of us listening to music and talking. Which is of course when Kieran and Jesse made some comments that really got under my skin. It started with one of Kieran's favorite conversations "Why I hate Peta so much." He hates her, that's without doubt, but he can't provide a good reason for it. The source of the tension was that one night, when they were both very drunk they kissed. For this he HATES her, with a vengeance. Hey, that's fine - I just don't want to know about it. But now he's talking about how much he hates her - something I'm used to - when Jesse chimes in - about how much of a slut she is. I like Jesse, honestly, I have alot of fun talking to her, and we agree on most things, but like Kieran, she had absolutely no reasoning behind her argument - except for one thing. She must have seen our photos together, because she brought up how she was draped over me that night. I couldn't believe this. From Kieran yes, but I didn't expect it at all from Jesse. Yes, Peta was pretty much draped over me, but it was only for the photos, and it was innocent enough - it really took all my willpower not to retaliate at all, something I probably should have done, after what I owe Peta from pretty much saving me.

Apart from that the evening at Kieran's was fine - but the formal was not something I'd like to do again. It was an interesting learning experience though - my theories about couples fragmenting away from others was pretty much proven - although I give alot of thanks to Arran, Eleanor, Lachlan and Penny for letting me in. I learned what a lonely world it can be if you allow yourself to be alone - and I learned among some people certain double standards. Some people I would have hoped for rescuing me didn't, and help came from a very unlikely place.

Posted by journal2/squashland at 11:12 PM EAST
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Thursday, 27 November 2003
Well, at least the day ended well.
This would have to be one of my worst days ever. It started off kind of fun - I had aproximetly 2 and a half hours sleep the night before, but it didn't slow me down too much at all really. We had a Year 12 after graduation type breakfast at the school where we all get together and talk about the past year over our barbequed breakfasts. Good concept really - although it wen't from 7:30 to 9:30 AM so it was a bit too early for any type of food.

Well, after that little bit of fun, hanging out with the usual gang in it's almost entirety and feeling the proper amount of reminiscence - I headed back home to get ready for thanksgiving. I was on Side dish duty - my dad would watch the Turkey while I handled the beans, Mashed Potatos, Macaroni and Cheese, and of course, the dessert pies. Of course just before I left Arran caught up with me, he and Lachlan were coming over later that night for Thanksgiving Dinner, and probably bringing along Eleanor. Arran had bought a yearbook and wanted me to take it with me, and he could pick it up at my place, because he was catching the buss home and didn't have a bag to keep it in. I couldn't refuse - I was curious to see how they turned out.

Well, when I got home my instincts told me to go to sleep, but of course Al, my dad had different ideas. Cleaning the floors, and Kitchen, then going out and getting the groceries. Let me just say, in the ensuing 4 hours was a maelstrum of verbal conflict. My dad and I don't argue often, but when we do it's a real war of the wills, we are so alike in argument's it's uncanny - like father like son, so the outcome could go either way. The argument I admit was innitiated by me. He was ordering me to do things like mop the floor - not my room's floor, but the whole house, to do all the dishes, all normal stuff - fair enough. But then the clincher, the thing that drove me off - he wanted me to do HIS laundry. Yet through all of this, he didn't say a "Please" or a "Thank You". I said something, then he said something slightly worse, then I said something slightly worse then that - it's how it goes, classic argument effect. Let me just say, I was incredibly relieved to leave the house to get the shopping done.

Now, I hope - sincerely hope that I'm not the only one who heavily daydreams here, and I don't just mean the classic - you become a rockstar type, I mean a real daydream where you fall into this zombie-like trance, and keep going to where you want to go, but aren't really there, and are just in this other life. Mine was kind of embarising, but hey, that's what blogs are for right? I was imagining what it would be like to date a blind girl. Now, no, not what your thinking, it wasn't one of *those* daydreams, just thinking about the complications - having to do all those extra things like guide her home, help her in elevators, read books to her - things like that. I mean, the daydream wasn't about anyone in particular, just about all the complications it would instill - it started with me thinking how hard it would be to be blind you see - as I'm sure alot of people imagine from time to time. Well to be honest, with all the complications and such I thought of - I kind of liked the idea, something nice about not only caring about somebody, but to care FOR someone.

Anywho, that was a strange daydream for me - and yes, it's an embarising daydream, but let he who is without sin cast the first stone - with the exclusion of the virgin Mary. So I continued on my way over to woolworths where I did the usual shopping run of supplies for Thanksgiving, and headed back - carefully throwing my receipt away before leaving the rather small shopping complex. Then, to my surprise, standing infront of me was one of those blind dog donation boxes standing there - I hadn't seen it before, it might have been there for a long time, but I wasn't sure - it was an Omen as far as I could tell - who was I not to put 5 dollars in?

Well, on the way out I remembered pies and stopped at the local bakery - of course, they were sold out. Great. There were still ones back at the grocery store - Woolworths, but I had my arms full and I threw the receipt away, so I headed back to the apartment to drop the supplies off - carefully passing Video Ezy on the way, to see who was working - not Courtney - damn. No luck. Naturally, when I reached the gate which opened the way to my building I remembered my buzzer remote - gate opener wasn't working, so I had to vault that accursed concrete wall to get over, my ribs in pain from slamming onto the concrete hard.

Well, when I got upstairs I dropped all the food stuffs off in the fridge and pantries, and began to head out again for the pie expedition - when I remembered I had to return a dvd. Of course, that was *always* a good thing because Courtney could be working there. Which is when I realized she wasn't working there because I checked. That's when the sudden realization hit me - something Kieran said the first time he saw her - "She looks familier." Taking a longshot, I walked into my room, collected Arran's yearbook from my desk and examined the year 12 mug shots, they were thankfully arranged by first name - alphabetically. Everyone complained that they weren't organized by last name, but to me this was a *huge* bonus as I didn't know her last name. I reached the C's... I looked along the page and reached the Courtney's, there were two of them, but neither of them were the same Courtney. Dismayed but not surprised I got up to leave - when I stopped for a second, I remembered I didn't know how old she was - and it was always a mystery. I picked up the book and flipped to the Year 11 section, pulled myself to the C's page, and reached the Courtneys. There she was - right there staring at me - she was a Year 11 at my very own school.

This was mind blowing to me, especially because that age fear of mine was unfounded - keep in mind I'm (or was) a year young for Year 12, so she would be my age. This was... For lack of better words, perfect - I not only had an age reference, but I had ammo to throw at her, I could finaly have grounds for a conversation other than movie rentals. I grabbed the DVD, my wallet and keys and rushed down the stairs, poping open the gate with a button from inside the wall, and marching triumphantly down the street towards the Video Ezy. Which of course was when I realized she wasn't working there - ah well, I had to return the dvd anyway.

Well, amazingly enough, she WAS working there- she must have gotten into work while I was at home looking her up. This was amazingly, it felt like Karma from donating $5. I walked in happily, returned the dvd and walked down the isles, looking for anything I liked. I picked up "Mars Attacks" a patheticly stupid movie, but hey, why not? And walked to the counter - plopping the dvd on the desk - she came over, glancing back at the store tv occasionally, trying to catch what was going on behind her, while I pretended to be surprised, pointed at her, snapped my fingers - pretending to think for a moment, then blurting out "CSC right?"

Yeah, it was smooth - I'm sure 007 would have done the same thing. She looked a bit shocked at first, then a smile escaped her lips "Yeah, I think I recogise you too." This was progress - definate progress, which is when my next question came. "So, year 12? Year 11?" Pretty standard - plus I said year 12 first, so she feels like she looks older than she really is, which counts for something until you turn 21. "Year 11 actually - but I dropped out this year." This was going VERY well for me - she was being friendly, open, and it explained why I couldn't believe she was at CSC this whole time - she wasn't. Suddenly doubt entered my mind - why had she dropped out? Before I could say anything - I'm not sure what I would say she blurt out "It was probably dumb, actually I know it was dumb, so I'm working now, and I'm going to enroll next year." The doubt was gone. This was going very well.

We talked for a little bit, not too long, but just a little while, she really did have the sweetest smile - she wanted to take courses in Music in Arts when she re-enrolled, which was interesting in itself. Finally I collected my dvd and left flawlessly - not bumping into the wall or tripping over - it felt like it went well. I was practically skipping through Woolworths as I searched for the pies.

Sure enough, I found them, and I was out of the store within minutes - careful to put a $2 coin into that blind dog charity box. Well, it wasn't a box, it was a giant plastic dog, but hey, close enough. I was feeling really happy, it was a great natural high. I had a crap movie - some homebrand pie, and a friendly relationship with the girl of my dreams - even vaulting over that concrete wall didn't feel so bad. When I got home I decided a celebratory break was in order, so I poured myself a glass of vanilla coke - sat infront of my computer and logged onto msn - there was good old Aaron - whom is friends with a friend of Courtneys. We talked for a bit, because we are also friends, and then I asked if he found out anything about her. I asked if he knew anything new about her, sure enough, he said "yes, I do." This was great, the Karma train was really paying me back for all the bad times. That's what I thought, until he said "She's taken." Yup, she is unavailable. I realized that getting on a friendly level with her was a mixed blessing, as I liked her alot more after that, and now I found out she already had a boyfriend. Of course, my day was going too well without this happening. I logged off msn.

This really hurt - I don't know why it hurt, it wasn't like we were together, or that I even got rejected, it felt like I didn't even get the chance to be rejected - I would have prefered to have been cut down by her, than to be told there's no way it could happen. Typical me. That's of course when Al and his girlfriend came in. Great, they were in a good mood. Anyhow, it was time to get ready for thanksgiving, and there were potatos to peel, so I went at it with potato in one hand, peeler in the other, over a sink. Al and Nancy (his girlfriend) were talking about some funny audiology stories (fun by audiology standards) and I tried to follow it, deciphering their language as I wen't, ever skinning the potatos with a quick swish of the peeler over the potato.

I was actually getting pretty good with it, the quick up and down motion while my hand moved the potato in a circle, it was almost subconscious - and I was getting it done pretty quickly - while I continued to listen in. They were in a happy mood, and for the first time since talking to Aaron I didn't feel horrible about the Courtney thing, just listening to adult chatter and the whisk of the potato skins being torn off their potatoes - which is when I felt horrible about something else, and didn't feel the whisk of any potato skins. I felt a sharp pain in my index finger, and I looked down to find the peeler embedded deep in my finger, a spurt of blood hit my shirt.

It was only the first spurt, then the blood just ran out, not dribbled - it genuinly ran from the wound, not thinking clearly I immediately tossed the potato and peeler away from the sink so I wouldn't get blood on them, and poured water over my finger. I know, I know, it was only a peeler, but i cut myself pretty deep, nearly to the bone - the first thing that came to my mind was "stiches, shit, I need stitches." But that left my mind completely when I saw how much blood was coming out. I've been through alot, even dislocated my shoulder which is more injury than most people go through, but this was the worst real open wound I had ever had - and it wasn't the pain, there wasn't much, it was just the sheer amount of blood that scared me. I realized I needed help. "Dad, uhm, I cut myself." It was all I could say, I was so fixated by the wound, and the blood that came roaring out of it. I know it was mixed with water, so looked like more than it was, but I wasn't thinking about that. Al walked over not expecting much, but when he saw the blood he took no time to grab the bandages and wrap the finger. But I was past that, I couldn't look at it anymore, I stared at the sink, but the image of all that blood, and feeling the blood passing by my skin was so sickening to me. Then the room started getting darker. It was like the effect on a tv when somebody turns the brightness down, just graduously everything dimmed, soon the edge of my view began blacking out, and that darkness expanded. No, I didn't hit some vein or Artery, or if I did it wasn't too serious, I supose I just never knew my reaction to seeing my own blood before, at the time I was feeling and thinking very little, but thinking back I guess that darkness was just me about to faint. Not from blood loss, just the sickness of it. Finally the bandages were on, and my dad released me. I stumbled out of the kitchen, clutching the walls with my hands and guided myself to my room where I lied down. Maybe half hour passed before I woke up, my shirt was covered in sweat, and the blood on the front of my shirt had dried. I looked at the bandages - stained red, my whole hand was covered in faint, watered down, dried blood, it was disgusting.

I rose from the bed, realizing I was completely covered in sweat - a bad dream no doubt, and washed my hands. Then I wet a towel and rubbed it over myself, before helping myself to some apple juice. I was feeling pretty de-hydrated, just from the sweating I guess, and despite how minor the injury was in the grand outlook of it all - I did lose alot of blood. Nancy had taken over the side dishes, and all seemed under control - besides, I didn't really think cooking with a bloody finger which could spurt at any minute was a good idea - for the sake of the guests.

Well in the end I changed my bandages, put them on really tight to stop the bleeding - which succeeded - washed my hands thuroughly, and began the art of one handed macaroni and cheese. Yes, my bloody finger, and it's hand was in my pocket the entire time, I cooked entirely with my right (still good) hand, and it actually didn't come out too badly. Well, the guests arrived, I put on a brave face and laughed at the small bandaged apendage, saying I had a fight with the peeler - and I won, but at such a great cost. Dinner was fine, and we just talked all night, it was actually fun. Until Nancy got sloshed. Yep, Nancy, my Dad's girlfriend got completely drunk. Why does this shit always happen to me? Leslie my Mum did the same thing, it was horrible. And least Arran, Lachlan and Elleanor were too good to bring it up or really care, but still. The end of dinner called for Arran, Lachlan, myself and Elleanor to head up to the roof for the last 20 minutes before they were picked up. Surprisingly, it was a good end to a horrible day. Thank god for that.

Posted by journal2/squashland at 11:51 PM EAST
Updated: Friday, 28 November 2003 12:46 AM EAST
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Wednesday, 26 November 2003
No horse is harder to mount than those stairs.
Well, it was graduation tonight, where we all get dressed up - not too dressed up, but a bit higher on the dress-up scale than novelty shirts. So we all went to our aphabetically organized rows of seats and awaited for them to call us up. Did I mention my last name is "Yonovitz"? So yes - out of about 300 people, I wen't up there last. I have got to say, the whole ordeal was kind of terrifying, waiting in your seat as name after name is called up - yet all the while I've got this feeling that something horrible is going to happen to me once I get up there - I have horrible luck so it's not that unlikely. But what could it be? Would the floor give way? Would I get lost on stage? Would I drop my diploma, and when I bend over to pick it up my pants rip open? No, no, it dawned on me - the stairs. Those stairs were looking mighty terrifying, what if I slip on my way up them to get onto the stage? This began to really eat away at my mind - because in all of life's probabilities it wasn't too unlikely - and it would definetly merit due embarisment. Embarisment I could handle, I was ready for it - embarisment could bring it on, but those stairs, they were so small and pathetic - I refused to be defeated by them - so I began planning. Maybe I could hold the hand-rail, and mount them two at a time, to get it over with as soon as possible. But then again, maybe I could be careful, and take them one at a time, watching my feet. Or maybe I should let my instincts take over, and pretend the stairs aren't even their - my animal stair climbing instincts could cover it. The plus side to that one would be if the stairs did beat me - it wouldn't be my fault, it would be my instinct's fault.

Soon my row was called, and we all got up in a line to march to the stage, ready for our names to be called - myself at the back - last after all. There, standing in line, two metres from those stairs I saw how easily people climbed them, effortlessly gliding up the steps, then aproaching the speaker, collecting their diplomas and shaking the guest speaker's hand. Maybe - I thought, I was over thinking this, and I was worrying so much over nothing. Soon the second last name was called - and I braced myself, this was it, the stairs were no longer a problem and I was ready to tear onto that stage. They called my name.

I marched triumphantly up those stairs - my hand barely touched against the handrail, my feet taking the stairs one step at a time - I was ready to collect my diploma. Wait - something wasn't right - I was going too slow, everyone else would have been up there by then, and I was only half way - I looked down. That kniving staircase had fooled me! It had lured me into a false sense of security and then decieved me into underestimating how frickin' small those steps were! They were *TINY* stairs! No wonder I was taking so long, desperately I attempted the double stair hop to finish off on time - it was risky, and I knew it, but desperate times call for desperate measures. It was the slowest quarter of a second of my life, the relief on my face once I gathered my balance on the top of the staircase said it all, as I whispered a silent curse too my nemesis. Triumphantly I marched too the speaker, nodded to him with a pleasant "Lucky Last", took my diploma, shook the guest speaker's hand and was ready to go home.

To conclude, yes - I had a slow day.

Posted by journal2/squashland at 10:40 PM EAST
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Tuesday, 25 November 2003
Let's try this again...
Well, this is the second time I'm typing this. I know, I know, I don't update enough, but hey, there's never been anything to really talk about. Okay, so the LAN was hyped up by myself to be a big deal earlier - but in the end it wasn't, there was no great group revelations, no amazing outcomes, and no, I'm not the best gamer in the group - but I'm not the worst so I'm content.

Well, what have I been doing now that year 12 is over? Not really celebrating like I should - actually I'm not over the moon about it at all. It's not that I'm sad, or even upset about leaving school as some people remarkably are - I'm just sort of unphased, I think while everyone considers it the end of an old life and the beginning of the new one - I don't think about it at all, because I'm too busy standing there in a preparatory stance telling the whole world to bring it on. The result is that I'm living the low life right now - reviving myself before the next saga of my life - university. It's quite a while away but hey, never too late to catch up on your sleep. Just been lying in bed - watching movies, playing games or reading either Lord of the Rings or Nothing Less Than Victory (World War 2) - although I've been walking occasionally, more for exercise than to clear my mind.

So then, what compels me to write this dispute my not updating in the past? Well, the reason why today is so strange isn't really an event, or a thought. It's hard to describe, but it's this feeling. I first got it a few days ago, it was sort of an anxiety, just this anxious feeling as if something is about to happen - then everyday after that it's just been growing and growing. And I know what you're thinking and no, it's not about the formal, and it's not about school - they aren't very big deals with me anymore - no, this is something else, and I have no idea what - but it's just a feeling. It must be nothing, to say something is about to happen is stupid, but for now I'm just trying to work out what I'm so damned anxious about - I just can't figure it out - maybe too much caffeine - which is strange because I haven't had anything with caffeine for a week - except for a bit of ice tea. (It has caffeine doesn't it? Yeah, it must). So anyways, any thoughts on that would be *really* appreciated.

So, is that it from me? Nothing new since school ended, just Josh in a deep hibernation? Pretty damned much. The graduation is tomorrow - wish me luck, I'm renowned for embarising myself at things like that. Well anyways, I'm off for now - any comments would be apreciated. Oh - Courtney update - nothing's happened since I last updated. Okay, gnight.


Okay, this post wasn't long enough, and I feel bad because I haven't posted for SOOOOOO long so I'm going to beef her up a bit. Did I mention my dad and I are planing our "December Trip", as you could guess it's set for December. It's going to be good, it's sorta the climax of the year for us - were going back to the USA for a bit, I'm probably going up to Maine for a little while to see my Sisters, Nephews, and Nieces, and then (hopefully) to DC for two reasons: 1. For the whole touristy thing, and 2. Because my friend Devi is there.

Have I mentioned Devi before? I've known her since Year 10 over the Internet. We actually met at a great time, it was right before the dreaded "Erin" saga of my life, so Devi and I were good friends by the time we broke up. So yeah, while most other people either had no idea what was going on or didn't care, she was there to pretty much support me. Yeah, I haven't been depressed this year, and I'm pretty happy to say that - but I was pretty bad after the breakup, and you don't want to see me like that. well anyways, I got a bit off topic, but basically Devi was like a guardian angel for me, and it would be great to finally meet her.

Thats all I really have to say at this time - I hope this is beefy enough for you all - ciao.

Posted by journal2/squashland at 11:05 PM EAST
Updated: Tuesday, 25 November 2003 11:20 PM EAST
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Monday, 17 November 2003
20th entry elaborations.
Well, not much has happened lately, a Modern History Exam this morning, which although was a big deal for me, was nothing to write about, and then watched some buffy with Arran, Lachlan, Elleanor and Peta, which again was pretty cool, but nothing to write about. So then, I guess that means there isn't much else to say, right? Then I guess it's time to follow my old traditions, elaborations.

So what's so important about this LAN that I keep bringing it up? Why is it that in every conversation I have with the usual gang it seems to come up? And what the hell is the game we're playing? Well to begin with, the game we're playing, as I mentioned before is Diablo 2, a co-operative game.

The idea is simple, cliche, and classic, you, and your friends are all heros in a fantasy world of darkness, where a great evil is sweeping across the lands ect... ect... ect... Which means that you, and your friends, are all really cool characters working together to kill hordes and hordes of monsters. Yeah, I know, it doesn't sound like anything ground breaking, but it's not. That's the game in a nutshell, there's some character development, where you get more powerful depending on how many monsters you kill, and you can affect how your character develops as you go along - for instance, you could choose to be a magic wielder, and really develop those skills, or you could choose to be a mighty paladin, developing your skills with a sword and shield.

So yeah, despite it being a fun game, there's a reason I'm really looking forward to the LAN. It's for the first time in our LAN's - a COOPERATIVE game, one where we work together instead of compete. There's a bit of competition, but really nothing, the night will be great. And the game will be perfect for it, the team players are going to start to develop their characters to compliment each other, and for the first time we may see some team work. The group has suffered alot of hits lately, and I have very little idea as to why, any ideas I have are all in the blog, so if you read it you should know. It seems like this would be absolutely perfect to really fix the cracks in the group right now, and it may be the last thing we do as one group. Plus, it's an easy game for new people to pick up, so everyone can play it.

Of course now this is even starting to go to hell. Kieran has sent an email out to everyone telling people to bring other games, and is now swearing to me, as we speak, that everyone will get bored with it, and that we'll play more traditional - kill each other over and over. This won't help the group at all, and is kind of boring. New players can't pick it up meaning half the group will be left out, and some players just aren't good at them. Those games tend not to be good for people who aren't too good at them, either through skill, or through their computer, which may not be a great quality. I've been looking forward to diablo 2 so much, and from what I can tell, Lachlan and Arran are absolutely psyched - although I may be wrong. I guess if they're still up for it, we may take on hell's armies alone, without the rest of the group. It sucks, but hey, may be the best outcome of the night.

Posted by journal2/squashland at 10:48 PM EAST
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Saturday, 15 November 2003
Wow.. that was an interesting last 48 hours.
Wow, sorry guys, I haven't updated for a while, but once I'm done with this post maybe you'll understand why, and if not, then I'm either writting it wrong or you're not reading it right.

Well, I guess it all started Wednesday night. I was talking to Arran on the phone, just confirming a plan that he, myself and Hedley were going to put into place. Head over to school for some supposed Modern History revision. The year (grade) 11's are still there, so the library was open, score. After the call I took an early night's rest. Of course the rest didn't last long enough as I was awoken at 9:00 in the morning by my mobile, its tone blaring into my ear. Lifting myself from bed I held the phone to my ear, and answered. It was Kieran. The conversation went a little something like this.

Kieran: "Hey! Check this out!"
Myself: "Wha-?"
Kieran: "I found this, it's really sweet!"
Myself: "Whoza?"

Suddenly before I realized what was happening he started playing some audio from his computer, holding the phone receiver against his speakers. Now, if it was some blaring music which is what I would have expected - if it wasn't so early, maybe I would have understood why he needed to call me. But THIS, oh, this was not music. It was the actor who did all the movements and the voice for gollum, from Lord of the Rings, accepting an MTV award for it. So for 4 minutes I slowly woke up, listening to the voice actor, Gollum, and Smeagal arguing the award out in the most high pitched shrill voices possible. I probably would have laughed, I would have loved it, I would have demanded he give me a copy - if it wasn't so early. He received a fair amount of abuse afterwards. But, when I told him about the going to school thing, and offered if he wanted to come along, he was more than happy, and even offered me a ride, so all is cool once more.

Kieran got a call once we got to school, it was Jess, his girlfriend, whom I've mentioned before. Well, he had to go pick her up, so I wandered up to the library alone. Well, not alone for long, I caught up with Arran, so yeah, everything was cool. Once we got up there we met up with Ell (Elleanor) whom I've also mentioned before. From there we spent about 2 hours up in the library, just talking, it was kind of fun, while Hedley sat on the other end of the library, waiting for Kieran I supose.

After that Arran, Ell and I headed over to my place to just, well, we had no plan in mind, but just to do stuff. Just very general stuff, in the afternoon we watched a movie, "The New Guy", while I cooked some burgers, followed by "Fat Pizza" in the afternoon. The movie that is. Whereupon we went to my room, laughed at the people who were doing exams that day, and just listened to some music and talked. Which is of course when the hurricane hit.

We heard the door burst open from the other room, of course I knew instantly it was Kieran and Hedley, yet surprisingly Sana was with them, of whom I haven't mentioned much, but will later on, rest assured. Well to be honest I was having too good a time to leave my room and go into the living room, so I let them do their thing. Which is when Sana started ransacking the place, he started throwing juice lids around, as well as toilet rolls from the bathroom. Then came the "Assaulted" joke in which he sprinkled salt around the house and myself, then ran back to the others in fits of laughter saying "I just assaulted him!" and then Kieran followed suit. They left shortly after, getting bored by our non-responces. Honestly, we couldn't care less about them, so we just kept listening to our music.

After they left, and we had our fill of music we started wondering what to do next, which is when I offered to show them the roof, which I thought was pretty snazzy. Well the roof turned into the highpoint of the evening in all regards, I mean, I've never had a time quite like it before. We wen't up onto the roof, as the sky began to darken, and looked out over the balcony-like concrete walls which reach up to your waste, preventing people from walking off the edge in the darkness. After getting our share of the view of the lights of the city we lied down on the remarkably smooth concrete ground, and stared at the stars as they began to be recognizable among the darkness. The concrete boundaries blocked out all the city lights, the view was truly amazing, I'd never seen it like that before. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, and soon the stars were out in full force. We were up there for a good 3 hours. Eventually Ell and Arran had to go, leaving me to my home, it was a great evening. I haven't really talked to Ell before, so it was great to finally get to know her, all I can say is that she's awesome and I wish she was part of the usual gang before the year ended for us. Ah well.

Well, that was only the first of the last two days, the next was quite fun as well. The intent was for Lachlan and Arran to come over to my place for some revision for our Modern History exam on Monday. Part of the course is the Russian Revolution - so we decided to call it our "Bolshevik Party". Deep down inside though, we all knew we weren't going to study. It was a night for renting a dvd - confidence, which turned out to be a GREAT movie, in the tradition of Ocean's 11. Playing on the computer, from such great titles as Age of Mythologies, Mafia, and Little Fighters 2. It was all rather common-practice, the REAL fun started though when we decided what to do for dinner. I live next to a grocery store, so hey, why not? We decided to walk over and pick some stuff up. While we were there we had a bit of a debate over what to get, Arran and I had burgers yesterday, and there wasn't much else you could cook for that kind of a thing. Which is when Lachlan suggested we make one of those easy, pre-made Pizza's you cook in your oven. Well Arran is fairly alergic to most preservatives, which ironically has meant - through his compromised eating habbits he's alot healthier then anyone else in the group. The premade pizza's all have preservatives, which is when I, half joking, suggested we make our own out of scratch, and some pizza bases. Well, needless to say we got all the ingredients needed.

Amazingly enough - despite Lachlan's "you can never have too much pineapple" mentality, the Pizza came out GREAT! It was by far better than anything Pizza Hut could make, and probably a whole lot better. We're definetly going to have to do that again. I'm checking if there's an oven at the office where we're going to hold the LAN - just in case.

Well, after feasting upon our Ham and Pineapple feast, upon Arran's suggestion we stormed up to the roof, in an almost perfect re-inactment of the night before. This time talking about more guy stuff than with Elleanor, but spending only a little over an hour and a half up there. After that the night slowed down, as Arran slowly succumbed to sleep, and Lachlan and I just did anything to stay active. They left in the morning, leaving me to sleep - finally.

Not that it was all over of course. I had to wake up 6 hours later so I could head over to Casuarina (the local mall) to meet up with Lizzi. According to Arran's sacred proverb: "Never go clothes shopping without a chick" and the fact that I haven't talked to her for a while - apart from the phone call to set this up, Lizzi and I went tux shopping. At first I thought I'd have to beg her for her help, but she was actually more than happy too. I met her at K-mart where she works, afterwards we had lunch, and onwards to a fancy clothes store I didn't know existed until now.

Let me just say, there are alot of different kinds of tuxedo's out there, and they all look the same. And to conclude, thank god Lizzi was there. The initially conversation wen't a little something like this.

Shop-clerk: "So, what kind of tuxedo did you have in mind?"
Myself: "Uhm, just a regular one I guess."
Shop-clerk: "Ah... Right, then look at this catalogue and tell me what you like."
This is the point in the story where I flicked through a catalogue, pretending to know what I was after.
Shop-clerk: "So?..."
Myself: "Uhm, I like that one, the one with the big buttons, it looks like one of those Japanese thingymajigies."
Lizzi: "He means the Harrylson."
Shop-clerk: "Oh! Okay, and what about dress pants?"
which led to a further conversation, to conclude, it was nerve-wracking. Then I had to try the thing on.

Fortunetly by that time the male shop-clerk was fed up and turned to a female clerk, who must of had far better patience. Of course, the dressing room was far worse then the questions, besides Lizzi's occasional "Hurrrrrrrrry uppppp" and the balancing act of hold the pants up while buttoning my shirt because I stupidly didn't notice the racks behind me, but there was also the fear that I'll tear something. It's an expensive tux! Of course stepping out of the booth was no better after the heckling I got from Lizzi. Nah, that's just kidding, I swear, I wouldn't have gotten the nerve to go in, yet alone be able to get anything if it wasn't for her - Arran's proverb holds true and I'm picking up my suit Monday.

Posted by journal2/squashland at 11:30 PM EAST
Updated: Sunday, 16 November 2003 12:08 AM EAST
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Wednesday, 12 November 2003
You guys rock
Well, despite Kieran's comment hitting a bit of a nerve I can't believe how great you've been. Three comments in one night isn't too bad at all, and Mel, that was great advice, I just wanted to clear the air, but rest assured, you'll all be the first to know when Hedley and Kieran piss me off. James - nice to have you on board, if you ever put that diary of your on the net I'd love to be the first to read it. And Lizzi, thank you, judging but what some peopel said I don't think they would of believed me:P

Now then, on with the show! Legal studies was a drab, drab 3 hours indeed. But hey, that's life. I did alot better then I thought I would, which isn't too surprising considering I stayed up really late studying. But that's not interesting. What is though is that the tummy growler strikes again. He was sitting next to me through the whole thing, with his roaring gut, and yes, everyone thought it was me - I thought they were about to kick me out.

Of course afterwards the day began getting that little bit better. I left the room preparing for a dreamy walk home, when good old Lachlan was there to greet me, while waiting for his next exam. Well, by greet I mean he was sitting at a table talking to some of his other friends who I don't know, but did that stop me from joining him? HELL NO! Actually his friends were pretty cool, talked about really manly stuff like head on collisions and the best way to get heads out of crushed helmets. Then good old Lizzi showed up, we only talked a little bit, but for the hour or so after the exam before theirs I was in a pretty good mood. After that I marched over to Hedley's house where I saw a terrifying sight, something which truly disgusted me.

He and Kieran - were playing diablo 2. Come on guys, act shocked, please? Okay, it wasn't so horrible, it was kind of funny watching, they had cheated so were just mucking around, but it's a bit disconcerning because Kieran is already becoming a bit tired of the game. How are we going to play for a full night if they've been playing all week? They'll probably lose interest and make us turn to other things. Well hopefully that wont happen to our team, which Lachlan and I have lovingly called "SCRAP". And we need a little help from you here: SCRAP stands for "Spawn Campers Rallying Against P____" The P, we're not sure of yet, Lachlan wants "Peace", I want either "Pandas" or "Parachutes", which do you like the most?

Well, an amazing thing slapped me on the face on msn (the reason of why I'm in such a good mood, as you could probably guess becoming my writting skills get worse depending on how happy I am), Aaron, a friend of mine I've known since last year, and have talked to ever since on msn - who also reads the blog, has told me that he knows Courtney! Well, through a friend of a friend, but hey, that's better then where I'm at now! (Nowhere) If I'm really lucky I might be able to find out if she's available. Wish me luck guys! Oh, and Aaron is stopping by later tonight, we're going to watch some movies as well as check up on the store. Well I should be off to sleep, I've had a bit of a migraine today and a lack of sleep from the late night studying. Well, g'night guys!

Posted by journal2/squashland at 7:12 PM EAST
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Tuesday, 11 November 2003
Well, its the night before the big legal studies exam, the one I'm going to do worst in. I've done what I could to study, I'll do some more in the morning, but I think I'm about as ready as I can be for this considering how horrible I've been at the course this year.

On a more personal note, yeah, as Mel noted in the last comment, and as some of you may have read by Kieran's heartfelt comment, he found the blog. Well, I'll let you read the comment yourself, and yes, I'm going to leave it up there despite the suggestions I've gotten from two of you *glares at shane and michael*. Well, despite having that bout of whatever it was, it seems that after the comment Kieran and I resolved it, the truth is I don't give the guy enough slack. On the blog all I talk about is when something bad happens regarding Kieran, or why he's so annoying, truth is he's really not a bad guy, but that's all I seem to write about, his bad side. It goes the same for Hedley I supose, they're still good friends, I just don't always have good opinions of them.

You know, after Kieran's comment though, it came to my immediate attention that I haven't talked at all about the girl I like, which is kind of strange. But then again I haven't mentioned half the usual gang either so it isn't that unusual. Despite what many of you assumed - no, I don't like Lizzi, not in that way, actually I've falled for a girl that works at the video store nearby, her name's Courtney, but who can be sure. I've barely spoken to her, and if it wasn't for how frequently I rent movies I doubt she'd know my name at all - and that's just for accessing my account there. it was no big secret, I've liked her for about a month-ish now, and in all honesty nobody has actually asked me. Hedley doesn't broach on the subject around me because he probably assumes I still like Lizzi, why Lizzi hasn't asked I'm not too sure - Kieran as you could see just assumed I liked her as well, and Arran and Lachlan I guess just assumed when something new came up I should tell them. So it really isn't a secret at all, it's just never come up, nothing has come out of it which could possibly be noteworthy, about the most extensive story I have from it so far was when she gave up trying to spell my last name and let me have a turn on the keyboard. So why do I like her, if I've barely exchanged words with her? I have no idea. The first time I really fell for her was when she was trying to watch one of the constantly playing movies. In each store there's TV's set up around the place, all playing from the same dvd player, behind the desk is a tv that I know is suposed to run surveilance around the store. She was working alone so she found a to change the surveilance to the dvd that was playing. So even though there's this line of people waiting to get their movies, with me standing at the back, she was typing with one hand, only glancing at them occasionally to see what movies they had and how much it would be, and doing most of the work to her shoulder to them. I know, I know, not exactly good employee conduct, but it was a great movie, and I would have done the same. So yeah, that's one of the reasons I guess. So there you go, thats the big answer to the big question which was never a secret. So why haven't I done anything?

I've liked her for a month-ish and I haven't done anything, that is kind of sad now that I think about it, but then again, I'm happy about it. My life is less then ideal, by all respects, its not perfect, if anything it's lousy. So I rely on my thoughts, I guess this goes back to my walking, I don't just figure things out, I get lost away into my mind, to conjour up whatever I want. My mind is my kingdom, it's the only way I can escape from this rabble of social politics other than gaming. Those are my two means of escape. I've felt like this for a long time, but only recently have I come to terms with it, I like falling into my mind, and I'd like to leave some things to the imagination. Say I talk to her, get to know her really well, ask her out, if she says yes, ah cool, we get together, have a good time, all's good. If not, too bad, so sad, I get embarised, trundle off, have to switch video stores, not that big a deal. But it's all a long, difficult process. Arran once put it perfectly; "The usual gang has a power, like how King Midas could turn anything he touched into gold, anything the usual gang touches becomes COMPLICATED!" I don't want to go through that. Yes, I'm lonely, but I'm not desperate, so for now I'm happy floating through my own thoughts, feeling some kind of satisfaction in that, rather then to go through a long process of complication after complication with social politics thrown into the fray, only to get so stressed out that if we did get together, I would probably be too frazzled to enjoy it.

And for the last time, I don't like Lizzi in that way! Jeeze, yes, she's the only girl I mention in the blog, but you don't have to make assumptions...

Posted by journal2/squashland at 9:44 PM EAST
Updated: Tuesday, 11 November 2003 9:55 PM EAST
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