Year 2003
Jan. 2nd.
Hard to write to this journal
right now. I feel like Master Len and i are sort of on hold
for the moment...Knowing it
will be a while before I'm in His arms again makes it
harder to write here, for some
reason....it was so wonderful to finally be in His arms
and control New years eve when
He surprise me and showed up after 4 months of not being
able to be with Him...and when
He got in His car to leave i quickly went in the house and let
the tears continue to fall.
Master Len and i will
be together 2 years the 13th of this month,
and even all the ups and downs
we have had in our relationship He never stopped
calling me His sub/ slave...I
still ask myself how can He love me with all i have put Him
through..? I'd had so
many thoughts go through my head...He has been in this lifestyle
so long, and knows so much
about it.... i have learned a lot of things in this lifestyle, some things
He knows i am still not comfortable
with, yet He has never gave up on me, as i have
gave up on myself....the doubt
has been so strong in me at times that it eats at my ability.
I have along our journey surrendered
myself to Him...,but i ask myself the question..
''Did you really surrender"?
In my heart i felt i had surrender,
my desire to be the best sub/slave i could be for Him was
what i needed/ but i also knew
i needed to be more then just a sub/slave to Him...I needed
Him to see the woman and love
her as much as He loved the submissive.
I have no doubt that He doesn't
love the woman in me, because the woman/submissive
is the same.
I sit here after talking to
Him a short time, wondering what is holding me back when i
need to give fully to Him.
Was i trying to top from
the bottom. I've always hated that
phrase and have sworn i'd never
do that....and i believe i never have during the time
we enter the bedroom together...I
feel in my heart whenever we was together
private i gave my all.
Maybe topping from the bottom
can also be done when you aren't together...hell i don't know
that much about topping from
the bottom...what it means....maybe i need to check it out.
Maybe i am just rambling here,
right now i'm not sure that i have come up with the right
answer...I know i feel ....i
haven't at times made myself worthy to be called a sub/slave.
That was one reason i went
ahead and quit the slave forum, i hated giving up my
slave sisters, but i felt i
wasn't rightfully in the state of mind one needs to be in.
If I don't get what I want,
when I want it, I tend to demand it in certain ways.
Master Len has always been
into that, so i knew i wasn't pulling His leg.
Obedience to Him means
that I give HIM the control.
That doesn't just mean HOW
He dominates me, it means WHEN also.
Deep breath. Ok, so that's
another hurdle for me to cross,
another challenge for me. Damn
it, just when I think I'm getting the
hang of something, something
else happens...and more thoughts end up in my mind.
So i come back to the question,
what is the problem...?
I love Him with all my heart,
soul, mind and body....He is a part of me that I need to survive.
I think the problem is.....I
have never completely taken my foot off the brakes.
and that has made me feel unworthy
at times.
feel more focused on
my goal than ever before. I know what I need to do.
It will not be easy, but it
is what I want. If we are to move
this relationship forward,
it is what You need from me...If You still want to give it
another try.
One of the things I really miss
is having long discussions about my submission
and His dominance. I just love
hearing what He thinks about things, and I find that
I understand things more and
more.
I miss our playing Domino's
together...that to me is being together when we can't be physicaly.
I want Him to remind me of
my place as His sub/slave.
I need to know that He can
push me and do things that fulfill His deepest,
darkest desires, and that I
will accept it. Yes, I will probably struggle
to do certain things, even
for Him, but I have this burning,
driving NEED and only He can
drive.
I love You Len.
Lori(spunky)
___________________________________
Jan. 3rd-Friday
Work was busy today, the rest
of the crew are having their gag gift unwrapping tonight,
didn't care anything about
it this year.
Home and started doing the
usual things around here, Doug has been over at store helping
them paint.
Talked to Master for awhile
was having trouble with His taskbar being at top of page.
Finally got it straightened
out.
We talked about my pictures
being upon the site, not keen on revealing pictures of myself
on the internet.
Master and i played Dominoes
and have to say....i beat Him in more games then Him...grins
Played late...then we both
said goodnight.
___________________________
Jan. 4th-Saturday
Didn't get up out of bed till
around 10am...was awake just layed in bed watching some tv.
Made coffee, got on computer,
and started doing things around here, when I
heard the message sound Icq
gives....Master was already online.
Worked on site some, was told
to have it up by next time He came or pay the price.
Also journal up to date.
We talked about things He tells
me to do, He suggested i write them down, that way i
won't tend to forget what He
told me to do.
Was also told i needed to start
leaving a message everyday if i had anything planned for
not being home, because He
was not giving me any day or time He will come from now on.
Which is ok by me, i'm usually
always home anyway.
We played somemore Domino's
online....course it was 3 to 2 my favor, we got
tired of playing and talked
a few minutes more about the site, then He said goodnight.
I worked on the site, planned
to put it up at geocites but didn't like it, had to use their
ftp program and i like mine.
so i went to angelfire instead.
Worked on it until late, got
it sent out and off to bed to watch tv for awhile.
_________________
Jan. 5th-Sunday
Got up made coffee, and started
a wash....got on computer, was a message from Master.
saying i needed to resize my
picture was fuzzy, geezeee only message left from Him,
as hard as i worked to get
it up for Him, plus a email saying the same thing.
Good thing this journal is a
place to vent things out, i worked hard on the webpage for Him, and it
takes a lot of time to do...i
wanted to please Him, and hear Him say this morning that i did
a nice job, and that He was
proud of me getting it done like He ask...yet
all i got was something was
wrong with picture.
Day has been a regular Sunday...boring
as usual....haven't heard from Norma, if she was
coming down would of already
been here.....washing clothes...cleaning house...and working
somemore on the webpage.
Haven't seen or heard from
Master, since this message this morning on computer, said last
night He may go to church...guess
He went elsewhere after.
Well journal, you are caught up as of now....another thing done....later
Norma showed up this evening...she
wanted to go to Ardmore and see her mother,
so off we go...stayed a couple
of hrs. at the nursing home then went to burger king to
eat...geezee no more burger
king...was greasy...came home and talked awhile...she
took a bath and i got on computer...should
of stayed off.
Jan. 6th- Monday
Got up at 5:15am...didn't go
to sleep till 3am....Norma fell asleep around 10:30pm and so
did Doug.
Norma left this morning back
to Ky....today hasn't really been busy...but passed fast
thank goodness....shoulder
is bothering me today...made appointment for Ardmore
tomorrow at 3pm....
Jan 9th-Thursday
Laying in bed last night, trying
to go to sleep, my mind was racing thinking of the last
two years....I look back upon
the mistakes I've made, and look upon them to see if I would of done
different....I got up and looked
back upon my journal I kept...looking at my thoughts, the different
emotions that i had expressed.
Sometimes it is not easy to
look back upon one's life that you've written and know the mistakes
are there...I also know in
some entries i could of expressed myself more, instead i was holding
things back.
As a result, I've shredded
my life like scrap paper and started from scratch
more times than I'd care to
say.
I've used the eraser, and delete
button to many times, holding back my true feelings, and to me
that is a false statement...not
being true to ones self, as well to your Master.
I finally admitted that.
Then i ask myself what should
i truly put in a journal, should it be just about
my life as a M/s, or
should it be about all my life"?
The times i'm depressed, lost
my temper, sorrow, pain, doubt, fear, love, angry, and even
the word hate which i try not
to use...there is so many
emotions ones express...so
why did i hesitate in writing..?
One thing for certain, i can't
erase anything i am feeling from good to bad, if i put only
what i want others to know,
would not be doing justice to a journal that should be my whole life.
to edit it would be like painting
a picture that was false,
the full honesty of my life
is not always
awesome...not always perfect...i'm
human as everyone is..
If i didn't write down when
i messed up....or did something i wasn't suppose too..or something
that is truely bothering me...then
it would be a false painting...one that if i looked back upon
it....would not be able to
really see...where i was...and what i had accomplished.
I would never know if a problem
was solved....to really just put down part of my life
is like pretending it is not
there.
Jan...10th...Friday
Have sit here for hrs...wondering
if i should even express myself about our conversation
this evening...or just let
it be...yet i feel i need to express myself also...and then
not sure if You will really
understand the true feelings.
In my journal entry last
night.....i expressed i thought it best to go ahead and express
everything that was going
on in my life...the good as well as the bad...yet i felt at times
You really didn't want to
hear all of that.
I'm feeling a lot of different
emotions right now....and finding them hard to handle and
feeling i can't really talk
to anyone about them.
I hurt so much that i have
disappointed You in my surrender....i thought by You saying
You was proud of me,
how far i have come...i could be proud....
yet this evening i felt
Your not really content with it at all.
Let me say i'm not
a woman/submissive that
has fancy clothes...money in her pocket all the time....great job,
fancy house...no worries...no
problems...You know that..
Only time i get to dream
of a fantasy world is when i am able to sit down and dream of
how it would be for a knight
in shining armor to come along and take all my worries
and problems of life away...to
have him worry about whether this is paid or not, but in
reality i know this is not
a story, nor is it a play that i can erase like i would
love too at times when it
gets to be hard.
I do consider myself a very
strong woman....life is not easy...nor will it ever be.
I don't have much material
things in my life...but what i have i'm trying hard not to lose.
I don't know why i am writing
this....maybe in hoping You will see the other side of me,
the one that worries...I
don't consider myself having a lot of bills...nor indebts..
I didn't want to go indebt
buying a car, but i had no choice in the matter, i couldn't
continue driving tammy's
and kevins...and the couch and loveseat..which i have had
for over a year and half.
In the summer time is not
that hard on me...as i don't have the expense of gas...and
if lucky keep healtly enough
where i can work...and not lose time....yet i wasn't that
lucky this summer where
i could get ahead for the winter months...and it
set me behind....there was
times when i couldn't pay but 100 on rent instead of
the full 150.00....and that
got me behind...then the car blowing up...having to take
300.00 as a down payment
on a car...letting other things get behind because of it.
It doesn't take long.....
Then the stupid act i pulled
with the wall....damaging my hand...causing another week
missed of work....no check....having
to get advance from work when i went back just
so i could get to work...and
Doug money for school...not getting a full check at end of week
which wasn't much to begin
with after dectuctions.
You would ask me what was
wrong...and i would tell You nothing...wanting so bad
to tell You...i am so tired
of fighting a losing battle of trying to getting ahead..when all
I was doing was getting
deeper and deeper...and causing a lot of stress on me,
depression....and causing
harm to our relationship....yet i felt if i told You...You would
think bad things of me....like
this woman has no scents when it comes to mangaging money,
when that is not true at
all....I have been on my own since my divorce...and made it...
was able to go to store
and buy groceries once a week if needed....able to have
money put back in case something
happened...i was doing find even this year...until
things started happening
with my health...then it went to hell.
Then James wanting me to
go to Flordia and see him...i wanted to see my son had been
over a year since i have...and
i wanted to see the ocean...that was one of my dreams
of life before i died...to
be able to see just once...I knew it was going to hurt financially,
not working that week....and
tried to stop worrying about it while i was there...but
couldn't...knew i would
have to face it when i got home....but i didn't know that the
resturant was going to be
closed all them days when i came back...so that made
2 weeks i missed...I payed
what i could before i left....i only took 40 dollars with me
and came back with 21 of
it....which i had to use for gas.....yet i knew the strain of what
i was coming back too....was
the same as when i left and took it with me...I still had my
lights..water...phone ..internet
to get payed...plus Christmas was here...was feeling
worse because i knew there
wouldn't be any....and told Doug....was the first year i have
never put up a tree...Doug
worked at Wesleys off and on, just to get me a couple of
indian plates....I felt
as i was a failure....don't think You can understand what it felt like
not
to be able especially at
Christmas to give the only child at home at least something.
I had to get my electric...water..phone...and
interest payed at the car title place...so
I had to get 200.00 in advance
from work to do that...but at least it was payed.
Doug knew I had to borrow
the money in advance and would come out of the check
to pay it back...I also
knew by having to do that it would make me further behind again.
When the check came in 8th...I
told Doug i was so tired of worrying about the house
things....they were going
to be payed regardless if i lost my car...couch...loveseat.
We had to have a place to
live....right now we have to have heat...water...electric...phone
incase something happens....the
internet is the only intertainment i get...told him if it got
any worse....i will even
have to give that up and phone....in order to get caught up.
I took my household bills
and payed them first..I didnt' have to worry about catching up
on the rent...I had been
working on that...and finally accomplished that.
Rent...........150.00...
Advance..200.00
Gas..........200.00
Electric..47.90
water.....26.00
Tenn Care....120.00
NPS..tv...54.34 3
months
Bellsouth...44.60
was behind payed both
internet.....24.00
car serviced....27.36
Bestway rental....29.00
------------------------------------
total of what i payed 922.30
What i didn't pay was my
car.....300.00 which is due today the 11th...i usually pay only 250.00
but due to being behind
and trying to get caught up...there was one time i could only send a
100 instead of full payment...so
paying 50 extra to get caught up...which would be 3 more.
truck payment........100.00
which i only owe 140.00 total
and car insurance for 3
months....283.00
Now the worry is still on
me....and Doug knows there is a chance i will lose my car,
You think he don't understand
but he does...he has brought home so many job appications
and we have filled them
out....and they say...they aren't hiring due to it being so slow...
he even went back to washing
cars at Elliott and Popum....until a boy there that had been
there longer then him ask
for more hrs...so he gave Dougs to him...that was before i
went to fla....wanting to
help...
He knows i have been working
with my hand...putting it off due to us knowing if i did
there is no way i would
be able to keep anything...all week he has been bringing home
more job applications...and
us feeling them out....some at the same place....
He has a couple of promises
he is hoping for Monday....A vet...here in Pulaski...and
another small warehouse
here in Pulaski...next to it.
Doug didn't ask for my car
to use when i told him i couldn't pay the insurance on him,
I said he could..he can
take me to work ...go to school and pick me up on the way home...
until they come after it..
i never go anywhere because
i can't afford to go...
they were having a farewell
get together for Merith tonight after the resturant close,
I didn't go because i couldn't
afford to get anything...
guess this is enough on
this...
I'm getting so tired....hand
and shoulder is hurting....sorry i said i would finish journal
tonight and get it out for
You...will continue it tomorrow or rather today.
Jan. 11th..Saturday
Underlined is Your words
Well journal didn't get to
bed till around 3:30am...and got up at 10am...
turned tv on glancing at
Pearl Harbor movie on AMC...the old version of it.
The other issues...
When we was talking about
the 24/25 for the weekend and I said Doug would have my
car, You jumped in right
away...not knowing the full story and said...
Seems to me you got you
shoes on wrong feet,,,,,,Your the adult
got to say i was very upset
where the statements was going...then You told me
You didn't think i was going
about the right way...things were really beginning to
get out of hand, i could
feel it...and i didn't want too..
You have to understand, at
time i get frustated also here, with the interuptions that
happens at times...yet this
is my home and You know Doug is in and out unless he
is going to stay somewhere...things
we have to work around.
There is times when i would
love for us to be somewhere private where we
didn't have to worry about
anyone coming in...or phone ringing...where we
could spend the whole time
just as one.
When You said..
I need you,,,,,,alone,free
from interuption
Not selfesh, but feel
like sometimes you drifting away
Don't You think i need to
be alone with You also....yet when we can't be i am very content
in just the time i get to
spend in Your presence's.
There is times i have drifted
away....times when i had doubts about us...especially
when the times came when
i didn't know what was happening, yet i helded on
waiting....I sit here and
wait for when You can take the time to be with me...and when
You can't....i am here waiting
on line for You to come on....
Then came the words You wrote
about the way You feel when You come here, and
that hurt deep.
Nope,,,,just feel like
at times i'm in the way
Its just me Love,I feel
like Im inposing on you
You have never imposed on
me or anyone in my family, You have the key to this house,
i gave You that key because
i love You and wanted You to be able to come and go as
You wanted too.....the kids
all know You have that key, and they all know we love each
other....and that You try
as much as i let You, to take care of me...course that
was before now...so please
i would rather not ever hear them words again.
If i had to be with my family,
then i would tell You...if was here You would be welcome also
to be with my family...i
would love for someday for us to drive to Shelbyville and You meet
my mother....she's a wonderful
person who only worries about her kids.
When we was talking about
compressing sound to a low.....
As long as your afraid
someone might hear you,you will suspress it,
Need to get over it,if
your happy,let it out,to hell with others Its ok to keep things
low key,but not everthing
me....i know that.....yet
you have to know....that it is also respect of being
a parent.....you did it..when
you and your wife was together...with Jen in house...
Not realy put a pillow
over her mouth
when You said this
that is was ok for You to put a pillow over her mouth
to keep the sounds down
when she got to loud....yet with me it was ok for my
child to hear...i couldn't
understand....i am still a mother with my child in the house
sometimes, the same as when
Your child was at home...the same respect should
show true.
Then You telling me as long
as i am here i won't make a sound...when i thought
the last time we were together,
i expressed myself more then i had ever have,
yet by Your words i hadn't.
You tell me i've finally
opened up and talked to you....making sounds
....and then you tell me.....i'm
not going to open up with You here..
I realy thought we were
off on a great new year,you have changed so much,but you cant let go
That really hurt when You
said that to me, when i thought i had made improvement, You
shot me down...i felt if
You are saying i can't let go...then why are You still trying, if You know
there is no hope....i didn't
want to ask if You truely meant it the way You said it....i didn't
want to know and also figured
it would just start more....i knew if i didn't get off line
things would of became worse...and
i didn't want that...so said goodbye...talk to You later.
i know there will times when
You say things that will hurt my feelings or things that
i will not understand, guess
there will be things i say that You will take the wrong way,
i want/need it to be something
that we both will work out and not jump to conculsion's
before we speak with the
other about it.
May continue later...
Jan..12th...Sunday
Today has been a ok day....made
4 pictures....Master and I had a long discussion
about pictures....i expressed
it made me feel uncomfortable at times taking of
them....even worse when
i am taking them.
We played 2 games of D....and
i won both of them....seems it looks like i earned
some dry time for winning...lol
Master answers- my submission
reaching for Your hand..
she kneels...lowers head
pledges to give her mind,
heart, body and soul to Him.
If He will take the gift
of her submission she is offering Him.
she will love Him, honor,
respect. obey, trust, use open communication
to Him, be what He wishes
her to be, and be all that she is.
Thank you spunky, in return
for your submission,
I pledge to protect you,
use you in wonderful ways,
to bring pleasure and happiness,
To love you as no other
ever has.
Stand before Me, display
yourself, let Your Master, eyes see
you in all your glory.
she steps in front of her
Master, legs apart..hands behind back, looks
into her Master's eyes.
"Head bowed sub"
she quickly lowers her head.
your body is beauitful to
me, your body is made for pleasure,
I take you as my lover also...
__________________________________
got up around 9am....got
down to around 15 here last night, Doug stayed
all night at Wesley's so
he would be up early to help him paint at the store,
and him and chris we working
on something to do with chris's car.
Made coffee...swept and
mopped kitchen and bathroom, did somemore
normal things around here.
Had messages on icq about
the pictures i had surprise Him with when He got up
this morning...am glad He
was surprise about them and enjoyed them.
One of like to have took
in more better place than the bathroom at times, yet the light
was so much better there,
then i could find anywhere else that wasn't so cold...
Living room really wasn't
light enough...
As we closed talking this
morning...Master made the statements..
no more foolishness
no more storming off mad
no more worrying about doing
whats told
i know He was talking
about "Self discipline"..controling my actions,
before i do something, whether
its a temper fit..or saying something when
i know it is not really
what i mean.
When i looked it up in
the Dictionary....it gave...the disciplining or controlling of oneself,
one's desires, actions,
habits...etc
Then i went searching on
the net for it...in the BDSM world...found a lot that didn't really
do anything for me when
i read them...i came across one that i really like...so will put it here.
_____________________
Self discipline is the same
thing as self control. It is the ability to follow through
with what you have set out to do, or have agreed to do. For a submissive,
it is
being able to meet the requirements you agreed to in your relationship.
Many
confuse discipline with punishment. The two are, to me anyway, different.
A submissive needs to be able to control their own actions well enough
that they
remain within the boundaries set by their relationship. This does indeed
take
self discipline. For example, a submissive is aggrivated by something at
work yet
there is a rule in her relationship that she is not allowed to yell without
a good
reason. It will require her to use self discipline to keep from yelling
out of
frustration with her work.
Many submissives are given tasks or things they must do on a daily basis
(or
regular basis) for the dominant. It takes self discipline to remember to
do these
things and do them correctly.
Discipline is the tool that many overlook because it often mirrors other
things in
BDSM. Like trust, honor, self esteem and obedience. Without self discipline
one
would be unable to do the rest sufficienty and the relationship would suffer.
Someone who lacks self discipline can not be relied upon (or trusted) to
complete
the tasks set before them. A lack of self discipline (and reliability)
can be seen as
a lack of honor and obedience.
Often during training submissives are taught patience, controlling their
own
orgasms, verbal restraint and other similar things. In effect they are
learning
self discipline and to control themselves so they can conduct themselves
in a way
which pleases their dominant. Without this basic ability, a submissive
will have a
much harder time within their submission.
___________________
Just got through eating...fixed
me 3 eggs and 2 pieces of toast...so going to stop
writing right now....and
go ahead and send this out to the net.
Later journal....
We start our 3rd year together tomorrow...the 13th...
_____________
Jan. 13th...2003
Was tired when got up this
morning...ready for work...woke Doug up, he got dress
and off to work...No one
showed up at work...by 8:30am so called Bobby Jo and ask him
who was suppose to come
in this morning...schedule showed he was....said he forgot that
wendy had a drs. appointment....told
him i had everything done in front if he wanted to wait
till 10am to come in like
he thought he was suppose too...he got there about 9:30.
work wasn't all that busy...passed
at a steady pace.
Came home started doing normal things around here....doug has gone over to Wesleys,
I'd sit here and looked at
this journal, not knowing what to put in it...thought
i would never be a loss
for words..time comes when what you are feeling is to
hard to even put into words...only
words i can write here is the ones that
came to my mind an i wrote
down in a few minutes.
Darkness-unfinished
Where does one go, when
one feels the whole world has just placed
it last rock on you..?
Maybe the world is the wrong
word...the darkness is fore better word...the darkness
that doesn't hide one's
deepest desires....nor is it the darkness that lets
the light shine through....this
darkness is the one that encloses, embeds, crushes, causes ones mind to
think things that doesn't exist...
___________________
Jan...14th...Tuesday
Got up at 5:30am...made coffee...got
Doug up...left Master a message,
left for work....doug left
resturant at 7:30 for school....wasn't all that busy today....but the
time passed fast...doug
got out of school at 2:30...by the time he gets out of traffic..it
was 3....home after 3...
Weather has turned cold
still again....the sun was out for a few minutes this morning
then just disappeared...they
are still saying maybe snow for thursday night..
I sit here reflecting back
on these past two years, i feel i have learned much, grown quite
a bit, yet not
giving into it....letting
it grow within me as a submissive should have....i knew when i went
into
this lifestyle the first
time....its what i needed/wanted....yet i was showed
something that wasn't really
what it was all about...i was so excited about finding out
who i really was...that
i believed everything that i was told....never really knowing anything
about the person behind
the M.
i know You have heard this before....yet this is what is on my mind as i reflect on last night.
Then i met You...and we talked
about what happened...among other things, about some
of our lives happenings....we
met the first time at the Resturant....i can tell You i was so
nervous....i felt so small
by Your side....and i was...lol....yet You made me feel at ease
by us talking....You didn't
put any expections on me, when we first met...didn't command
for me to do anything upon
our meeting....but more or less being ourselves...although
some of the questions made
me nervous...yet i felt i answered them the
best i could and knew.
Then at the motel room when
our second meeting came...as M/s....yes i nervous...very...
yet You knew it....and made
me feel at ease...them times as all the times we are
together i cherish....and
keep them in my mind.
You have let me know You
not only as a Master that You are....but the Man that You
are outside the M/s lifestyle....and
not many submissives/slaves can say that as i can.
and i love the whole You....
Last night or last evening..or
both during our converstation,
You ask me "What is a Master"?
and my answer was...
Master is someone that a
submissive gives her gift of
submission too....and if
He accepts it....then she is totaly His...to obey...honor...respect...without
question....trust...for Him to guide her...use her in any way...He wishes..
Then You ask me "What is
a submissive"? and my answer was...
submissive is the one that
wants to please and serve
her Master.....to make Him
happy....and if He is happy then
she will be in her submission
totaly to Him...
These answers came from me...not
something i looked up...when i saw Your words,
I quit....its really a hard
thing to express what i was feeling.....felt deep inside.
I felt like it was the last
blow of life...i had nothing else to live for anymore...the darkness had
light...but without You
in my life was total darkness.
Long time ago....when i first
thinking about this lifestyle...i looked up the word
"Submission" in the D/s
lifestyle...there was so many different defintions from so many
different places....yet
there was one that i kept...
"Submission"
Submission is the mental
knowledge of who is in charge, who makes the final decisions.
It is being able to trust
someone else so deeply that questioning their
orders doesn't come to mind.
Submission is being strong
enough within oneself to
be able to give what you are and wish to become to another.
It's being secure enough
within oneself that you can freely choose to place
another's needs before your
own, yet not lose ones identity,
instead enhance it through the power exchange dynamic. It is an emotional
bond
that is so strong that a simple look from your Master speaks volumes to
you, that sparkle in His eyes is all you need to know that you done
a good job, or a certain expression shows that you did
not do a good job.
It is knowing, even
during times of confusion, loss of focus, doubts, fears, that deep inside
one still
belongs to there Master
no matter what.
When we started talking yesterday
evening....i just assumed we was talking as a casual
converstation instead of
asking....and for that taking it upon myself...i'm sorry.
i not only showed You disrepect....in
our talk, i also was explaining things to You that i had no
right as a submissive to
do...without asking permission first.
For that i am sorry.
Please just don't stop loving
me...
As i think more on this total
surrender....i find that needs/expections from ones Master
is the same thing....and
the two years that we have been together in and out of M/s
i feel that they haven't
changed much...yet i find there is things that i may need/expect
more.....since You are online...will
leave this as another entry...
TUESDAY NIGHT.....3 CHOICES
I have tried to sleep...even
taking a nerve pill...yet i still am awake in thinking about the 3
choices i was given for
punishment..
1. tattoo
2 pierced
3 trip
After looking at the choices.....i
found it was easy to make and i didn't have to wait till
Sunday to give my answer.
The third choice which was
the trip 25th -26th to see Him,
had already been chosen
if the weather permitted it before He said anything about
the 3 choices...yet when
i was given the choices the trip was there.....so i chose
the tattoo...knowing that
the 2 years we have been together He has always wanted
me to get a tiger tattoo....i
thought it would make Him happy and prove to Him
how much i do love Him....yet
He thinks i chose the tattoo over the trip, not wanting to see
Him...when the trip was
already discussed at the start.
I'm confused...afraid to
say anything....scare it will be the wrong answer again...
He has already said i was
on a thin rubber band...still angry with me about the other
evening.....guess this stretches
it by Him saying "no His mistake.
when i ask if permitted to
ask a question, He said Yes...then when i ask to speak freely
i was told to be careful
in what i say....and i was....i didn't lie to Him when i said i would
love to come down and see
Your place, yet You wouldn't let me finish...so the journal
is the only place i know
i can put it down.
I love You with all my heart,
mind, body and soul...and want to be with You...our
circumstances in our living
arrangements are different....and i have accepted that
we may never be together
24/7 the way i wished it to be....You have always taught
me to express my true feelings
with You...and this is what i am doing in here now.
I would love to come down
Your way as You had planned....yet staying there over night
i feel i couldn't give You
the whole me....it would feel like someone is standing over me
besides You...if Your arrangement
was different.....You wouldn't be able to keep me
away from You....for when
i wasn't working...i would be in Your hair.
I don't say this to hurt
You...or to show You or Your home disrespect....i say it because it
is the way i am feeling...
I want to see it...walk
around it...just please give me some time
in adjusting to staying
there.
Its 3am ...will be getting
up in a couple of hrs....got to try and get some sleep.
I'm sorry i chose the wrong
one....thought it would make You happy.
______________
Wed...Jan. 15th...
Haven't slept much....woke
doug up at 6 to get ready so we can leave...left Master a
message earlier that wrote
in the journal....left for work...is cold this morning
around 17 degrees here and
they still say snow is moving in tomorrow...with 2 or
more inches....guess we
will see...
Work was work, nothing exciting
going on there for sure....is slow and Bobby Jo
is trying not to let any
of the part time off, but if it keeps up he will have no choice
to do it...when you start
going into personal and having to put into business more
then once then its time
to do something....he just doesn't want to have to right now.
Made a play list page last
night...thinking it would help us not having differences,
seems it was the wrong thing
to do...
Went to bed....
_____________
Jan..16th ..Thursday
Tossed and turn most of night.....got
up at 5am...made coffee....turned on radio,
they are still calling for
bad weather to move in....woke Doug up ....left Master
message on icq....left for
work...
Weather started getting
worse around 9:30am...and schools would be closed
at 10:30am...had already
told doug he was to come straight to the resturant with
my car...Bobby Jo called
and said he had just went after his wife Ann...and after
we got unbusy...put a sign
up on the door.."Closing due to Weather" which we did..
we were out of there by
12:30pm....town has about a 1/2 inch right now...and roads are
getting icy......further
i drove south to the house....we have about a inch here already, and
very slick on this back
road....and home is where i will stay unless it is safe to drive.
They are saying more is
still on the way.....already a van with 2 women
and 2 small children have
flipped coming down off the hill over at the store....that happened
as i pulled up there to
get gas..before coming home....they weren't hurt...but really shook up
the kids was in their car
seats ...thank goodness....that hill is really slippery, always has
been.
Left Master a message on
icq letting Him know i am home...was going to write
some expectations/needs..which
are the same things...yet i feel i it would cause
HIm to think i was topping
i guess is the word for it.
Yet i know being in this
lifestyle with Him off and on for the last two years, there
is things that i now will
expect/need from Him...in order for me to grow even more
in my Total submission to
Him.
i know i have changed alot
in the past two years....some in the good sense and then
some that i as a submissive
knows that i need to change.
Every sub/slave expectations/needs
are different as every Master/Dom....and i
believe that expectations/needs
changes also as You are together...
later
Master has gone off line
to feed critters, and to do whatever else He does.
Have already took my bath....ate
a bite, tried to watch some tv, and really
wasn't interested in what
was on just now....so i find myself back in journal.
i remember back when i didn't
really know a thing about this lifestyle,
and was told that a sub/slave
was never to tell her Master what she needed,
nor was she to say what
she wanted.
i can actually laugh on
that now as my knowledge grew and learned more about this
lifestyle, not just with
reading but with my Master.
i've learned a lot in this
lifestyle and still learning.
______________
Jan....17th....Friday
Was a busy day at work...seems
everyone wanted to eat today...all tables full
and others waiting to sit
down....Was glad it was over with....no school today due
to the weather....
Left work this morning....couldn't
even tell it had snowed except a few ice places,
now coming home...doesn't
even look like we had anything...except it is very cold
wind chill is 17 and later
tonight is suppose to get down to 6 degrees.
I let doug drive his truck
over to the store...it needs to be run some in this cold weather,
said him an ashley was going
to play Monopoly for awhile...got clothes in dryer and load
in the washer.
Left Master a message letting
know am home for the evening.
wasn't a message from Him.
Haven't done really much
of anything today, except pick up around here...download
some music....and update
some material on some writings i had wrote in other
journal...haven't finished
with them...so when i do will get them on the pages
they need to be on...like
thoughts...ramblings...etc..
Master came on line, and
said Jen was in ER.....hope she is doing ok...haven't heard
anything from Him as of
yet...
Sitting here with no tv
on...no music....listening to the ticking of the clock on the door
above me that Tammy gave
me for Christmas...sure makes a lot of noise...sounds
like a grandfather clock..
Shoulder has been bothering
me today...took my last pill yesterday...hand is really throbbing
guess it is due to this
dang weather...will be so glad to get it over with...
Master came online...Jen
is doing better..they had gave her some meds...am so glad
it really doesn't matter
if kids are grown or not...they still are ours and we will always
worry about them...know
it made Him feel better that she was home.
We talked for awhile and
then we played Dominoes......well course i can say it was
in my favor..2 to 1....played
to 500.....
NOTE
Master and i made a wager
tonight....have 180 points...betting that i make it to 400..
and if i do...then it doubles....equaling...800....which
means= 8 sessions of 100.
TIME FOR WAGER-----indefinite..
What is it that i get out
of wager...............saving ass with.....no 8 sessions of 100- with switch.
Master and i talked about
a lot of things tonight...have a assignment to complete
by tomorrow night...new
NEEDS/EXPECTIONS list...
What i need as a sub/slave.....?
And my expections of Him
being my Master...in control of me...?
___________
Jan...18th...Saturday
Has been cold today.....has
been snowing just a little....flake here and there,
talked to Master for a little
this morning, haven't seen Him back on.
Been working mostly on Expectations
and Needs pages and getting them complete
before tonight...finally
finished with the last one and got it sent out.
Suppose to warm up to 40
tomorrow, and Monday in the 50's...looks like Monday is
going to be a nice day,
sure hope so...having to go to Hendersonville...really not looking forward
to it....yet wanting to
get it over with too.
Rest of the week forecast...they
are saying rain and snow...from Wednesday to Saturday,
geezee i am so really for
spring to get here so i can get outside.
well journal going to take a break from writing, hand is cramping...later
__________
Jan...19th...Sunday
Got up at 9am...just layed
in bed and watched some tv...
weather is really nice this
morning...suppose to warm up to 40, the sun looks so
nice shining bright outside...will
be so glad when i can throw open the windows and
doors and let the fresh
air in....and get outside.
Master came on line for
just a minute...said tech was looking some things up on his
computer....well think it
is wise not to leave any messages..haven't seem him on since.
Well tomorrow go to Hendersonville
to dr...thinking very seriously of canceling it.
If i have to have surgery
that far away will be hard in getting someone to take me
back and forth...
talked to belinda for a few
minutes and help her work through winmx getting it
exe. on her computer...said
everything was clear in Nashville for travel.
told her was getting off
of mic....her and jim was playing with winmx downloading songs.
Today has been a long and
boring day as most weekends around here, not really
in all that great of mood...
Just going to search net
for awhile..
later....
MON.......20th....JAN
Got up and doug and i left
for Hendersonville, around 7am...traffic wasn't all that bad,
got there around 8:30am....so
went on up
to Dr.'s office filled paper
work out...got in early...was out by 10:30.
Took 3 x-rays of it, said
it had a lot of corperllsymdome in wrist area, and bone build
up around the area that
was broke and believes the bone is not healed under it.
Said would have to cut top
of hand, put a plate in...will know more when i next go down
for the blood work and surgery
date....they are suppose to call me at work and let
me know the date.
Hit interstate and headed
home.....went on to Ardmore exit and went to clinic to turn the
paper in the dr needed for
clearence...then we ate a hamburger at Hardies...then
went to Tammy's....
Doug left to help Kevin,
and tammy came home with me....
Got on internet....talked
to Master, then we played Dominoes.....4 to 0 my favor...250 games
then it was time for bed.
Later...
Jan 21.....Tuesday
Well up and down most of
the night....thinking about things....would love for my mind
to shut down sometimes think
it is a hopeless case.
weather has been nasty most
of the day, rain although it is warm, they are still
calling for snow Wed. night...and
saturday and sunday...i don't think they know
what in the hell it is going
to do until it is here.
Work was ok, busy then not
busy, glad to have it end. back has started hurting,
must have slept wrong when
i did go to sleep or was the trip yesterday..
took a pain pill....and
started doing some things around here.
Messages from Master...saying
the journal is late.....not a hello....morning or anything
just jouranl is late.
journal hadn't sent it out
to net, it was done.......is only one of me...and can't get
everything done at one time.
Haven't heard anything from drs office today....
Talking to Master....got
10 points He said for Rudeness...geeze didn't think i was
rude....total of 200....hmmm
think i am going to make a point page and keep up with them.
Now 10 dang points for correcting
Him...geezee....210....
Had message from belinda
on yahoo...wanting to know what dr said about surgery,
told her....ask if she was
going to try and make it....ask if i would have it done on
a friday...would be better
for her....told her i have to do it when they shedule it..pissed me
off....guess when i die
will try to do it on a friday so it will be convient for my family.
She agreed said didn't see
any since in letting mother know or ruth
about it...wouldn't matter
anyway, they would just throw it in my face...some family i have.
that is why i would never
ask them for help in any way, shape or form...even if i was starving.
and that includes Belinda
also...
well journal, going to lay
down....is 5:43pm...took my bath....didn't wash hair yet...will do
in the morning....doug has
fell asleep on the couch...
later.
Jan 22, Wednesday
Well journal sitting here
is 2am...woke up, and back is still hurting...doug is complaining of
his back hurting too...he
woke me up....only thing it has to be the trip, not having the sit
up or back good enough to
support our backs....had him take a couple of advils.
Sorry i didn't wake up in
time to talk to You....am about to head back to bed..
Love You...
Got to work...found my brace
and put it on.....Doug and Bobby jo put the stock up that
came in on truck....today
was fair...not all that busy...still haven't heard anything from Dr's
office yet...not in any
hurry since this weather looks like it is going to get nasty again.
We are under a snow advisery
for this evening and tonight...with inch or more.
Really suppose to be cold.....7
for tonight low and wind chill tomorrow of 0.
Faye came in at 10am and
said someone called yesterday right after i left and
ask for Lorraine....said
it was a woman...figured it might had been mother.
Called her today from the
resturant....she was crying, said it wasn't her, i kept on
asking her what was wrong....something
about smyrma or Lavergere...couldn't get
any since from her.....said
she couldn't talk about it....call her later on tonight.
Now has got me worrying
what in the hell is going on.....My brother lives in Lavergere,
wondering if something has
happened to him....
Waiting till Belinda gets
her ass online to find what in the hell has happended....
if something happened she
never said anything about it yesterday evening.
Something else to worry
about....
Got ahold of tammy on MSN....having
her call mother to see what is going on.
Just talked to tammy on
the phone...seems mother got a 9 page letter from a
woman in Murf. where my
sister in law Joyce goes to church....telling mother
that my brother Connell
was in a lot of trouble...not cleaning the yard up around
the house...and a bunch
of other things...the letter was a nasty letter blaming
Mother for the way he was
raised....and the way he was letting his kids run
around the neighbor hood.....anyway
tammy said mother said she was going
to call me at 7pm and read
me the 9 page letter....tammy said she read her the
first page of it....and
it was really bad.
Tammy said mother got the
letter 2 days ago and has been upset and crying since.
I'm already upset and haven't
even heard the letter yet.....how dare anyone write my
mother and tell them she
didn't raise her kids right....hell Connell is 61 years old,
and his kids are Timothy
31 and Cathy 28....it has not got a damn thing to do with
her....she hasn't done anything
but help him and joyce from day one of their
marriage.....i know for
a fact....her christmas money she got this year she gave to
Connell to fix his car....and
for Joyce to sit on her ass as she has always done,
not cook or take care of
house....and let one of her so called friends write my mother
a letter like that is just
to much to take....
Jan....23rd...Thursday
Snowed last night and this
morning....made some calls...checking roads...then
headed to work after i got
dressed...the roads were covered, slow going but
made it to work....was really
cold this morning....wasn't busy so day went really
slow...haven't heard anything
from the drs office yet...will call them tomorrow if i
haven't heard anything before
i leave tomorrow.
was worried because wasn't
able to get on computer and leave a message
to Master this morning that
i was going to work. ...then when i come home i go straight
online and He is on.....He
ask a few questions...and then He stops talking....He is to busy
cleaning out His desk then
to talk to me...I miss Him and look froward to our talks on the
computer together....then
He saids i am hard to get along with today....think He would
be too...if i told Him i
am cleaning out the desk rather then talk to Him...and then His
question....Did my butt
get cold.....He might of thought it was because i didn't have
any panties on.....but it
wasn't...was because it was so damn cold....and will be tomorrow
also.
doug has gone over to wesley's
and teresa's, they wanted him to eat supper
with them tonight.
is nine degrees already
and the wind chill is -2 right now,
i have the water running
in both bathroom and kitchen and even with the heater
on in kitchen these pipes
could freeze up due to them being on top of ground under
the back porch...they are
calling for low temps again friday night...and snow once
again in the forecast for
the weekend...i am so ready for spring to get here, where i
don't have to worry about
the fuel or the pipes freezing...will be like a breath of
fresh air.
the radio has already said
no schools tomorrow....am glad not just because of the roads,
but because it is just going
to be to cold in the morning for the kids to have to get out.
Had a message from Norma
that she was sick with cold.
Well i think i have said
all i care to write right now....
later...
Played Dominoes won 6 to
1...250 games
_
Jan...24th....Friday
Got up at 5:30am....is -1
and cold as hell out there....went out to start car. Princess
and Spunky are fine....sure
dreading getting in them freezers and cooler.
Going to try and find my
hand cover and put it on bad hand..so it will help
keep it warm and won't hurt
so much.
Today hasn't been all that
busy, but sure in the hell has been cold...glad the week is over.
Sent Master a message this
morning, and also sent Him a card before i left for
work, come home and
card hasn't even been picked up...ohh well
Belinda came on yahoo and
sent me a message and ask if i was there...replied back
to her yes....said her and
Jim have broke up again....then i ask her if she had talked
to mother lately...said
yes..she talked to her Sunday night....said she and ruth was
worried about mother....i
ask her what about....she said nothing really...i said belinda
do you know about the letter
mother got from a so called friend of Joyces..she said yes.
her and ruth both knows
about it.....i then ask her when did
they find out about it...she
said Sunday...Aunt Rudy had called her and ruth and let them know
about it.......i then told
her....belinda we have talked just about every evening since then..
and you never once told
me mother was upset...and sick over this letter...nor did
you bother to tell me about
it......yet i had to find out Wed...and get the hell scared out of
me when i call mother, to
find out she was crying so hard...she couldn't even talk on the
phone....then i am worried
about it...till i come home....get ahold of my daughter on the
computer to please call
mother and find out what in the hell is going on...and what has
happened....i thought something
had happened to one of you...she knew she had
did the wrong thing by admitting
to me she and ruth knew about it.....
i just told her.....one
thing........do me a favor ....you and ruth....if something happens to
mother and i am not there
or don't hear about it....could you please imform me
before you decide the funeral
or before the funeral...i would like to know...after all
I love her too...she is
my mother.
then i told her...i would
rather not talk right now...
Well journal...i am going
to get off of here....right now...and do some housework, to
vent off my frustations
at my sisters....
Well is almost 6:30pm got
a lot done...been downloading music and havevn't seen
Master online nor has He
picked up His card.
got some things done around
here...still need to get a lot more done.
7:30 still haven't seen Him
online..
8:30....no come on
9:30..
well is 10:30pm....seems
He isn't home...and hasn't left a message nor called..nor picked up card.
so why leave a message for
Him if He won't get it...already left two and no response.
seems plans has changed.
well journal, another week ended....and another long weekend to go.
__________
JAN...25th....Saturday
Alarm went off at 4:30am.....Doug
thought he set it for 5:30am...went ahead and stayed up
then woke him up at 6am....to
go with Teresa and Wesley...then i laid back down, wasn't
in any hurry to get up...watched
some tv....nothing really on.
went back to sleep at 11
and got up at 2pm....got online was a message from Master,
saying electricity went
off yesterday morning...and that He was sick last night.
Really did nothing all day
or evening....did some searching on the net and found some
interesting things..
downloaded some songs....haven't
talked to belinda and not going to...her and ruth
has really got me upset
at them about mother.
Doug came home for a few
minutes long enough to ask if he could spend the night
over at Wesley's and Teresa's,
sometimes i feel like i don't even have a son, he's
here then he's not...it
gets lonely sitting here during the week....and also on weekends.
Master came online...talked
a few minutes then went to Dominoes.....was almost
done with game of 500 went
He went off line....waited 15 minutes and then i let Robot
finish game for Him....i
still won...
Master came back on line
around 9pm...said power had went off again...talked about
not wearing panties....then
subject of switch came up....with it better be in place He
left it.....well geezee....told
Him it wasn't there...had got rid of it a long time ago.
Master ask me if i would
Pledge the next 11 months...and i said yes,
later on while laying on
the couch i get to thinking about the contract i worked on
and sent to Him and i had
signed....and He said He would next time He
was here....funny never
heard anything else about it....so i deleted it from email.
We played Dominoes and i
won....3-0....lol...love it
talked for a few minutes
more...was 12am...time for bed....said goodnight and
got off line...when i did
the phone rung...was Tammy, asking if i was ok.
I wished her Happy Birthday,
and she talked till one am....kevins father is still in
hospital...they are hoping
he gets out Monday....Josh has goned to his dads...Megan
is still with Tammy and
Kevin.
______________
JAN.....26th....Sunday
Well journal another weekend
almost gone and another week about to begin,
Doug, came home a few minutes
ago, and gone back over to store.
Didn't get up till 10am...layed
and watched some tv....left a message for Master,
sometimes it would be nice
to wake up to see one on mind...a simple hello.
i have been searching for
sub/slave groups this morning and haven't found another
one just yet i would won't
to join...haven't decided if i want to go back to the one i belonged
to for 2 years or not.
Sitting here drinking my
coffee in front of computer.... my mind
thinks of the different
kinds of submission..Cyber/RT...if a submissive looked up the word
"submission" on the net
she would likely find one like this.
___________
Submission is not about
sex. Submission is not something one can learn. It is not sex. It
is not dirty. Submission is beauty. It is a beauty that comes from the
very soul of a
submissive woman. It is a breaking down of the walls built up in her lifetime,
allowing
the beautiful, sensual woman to come through.
Submission is not about sex, it is about sensuality. It is about trust,
communication,
vulnerability, caring, and honesty. It is about being the graceful, sensual,
beautiful
woman that resides within.
Submission is about knowing who you are, and what you want. A submissive
is NOT a
weak person, but just the opposite. She is strong. She is strong in herself,
and in the
knowledge of who she is. She NEVER submits out of weakness or desperation.
She
submits out of strength, love, and trust.
Submission is freedom. It is a letting go of one's self, knowing that the
dominant is there
to catch you if you falter. It is about pushing to be the very best one
can be, not only as a
submissive, but as a woman, a person, a human being. It is about learning,
growing,
and giving.
Submission is not about donning rose colored glasses, and
the world is fine. Nothing worthwhile will ever come that easy.
Submission is also about pain. There is no growth without pain, lest it
be a temporary
growth. There is no freedom without the inner struggle to let go. There
is no sensuality
without breaking down the barriers that took years to put into place.
________
i always like that defination
of Submission...
The net has opened a lot
of doors into this
lifestyle.....some that
i call not good, they are the ones that makes this lifestyle seem like
it is abuse to anyone that
may come across the lifestyle or searching, not really understanding about
the SM part of the lifestyle....and then the good ones....that really show
what D/s really means...to me
my opinion only is the SM
of the lifestyle is what gives the BDSM the bad rap.
i'm not knotting anyone that
enjoys the SM part of the lifestyle, i myself enjoy some
pain, yet the pain i enjoy
is what i call the sweet pain...where it becomes mixed with
pleasure....and by that
it all becomes one....i'm not into just being hung up and whipped and
bringing blood and permantant
scars for the pleasure it gives the Master...i know this
is where talking becomes
important between a M/s before they ever agree upon playing.
There's so many horror stories
from where a sub/slave has went to Cyber to Real time,
and found that their fear
was correct in this lifestyle and not for them...yet their are ones
that put their defense up...building
a wall around them, waiting and hoping that the right
Master will come around
and knot it down....showing them that the lifestyle of M/s
is exactly what it should
be and is.
A submissive in cyber
time can close their eyes and imagine what something might be.
They can almost feel the
flogger hitting their skin. They read about all these acts taking place
and it’s natural to have
preconceived ideas of what it will be like.
Maybe they can imagine what
the flogger will be like when it hits,
but until it bites into
their ass burning and stinging the first time will they really know.
They will experience emotions
they never knew they had in them.
i know there is sub/slaves
that has submitted to their Master's online, in a sense
this called cyber world
that exist now and has for years, has been a way of learning and
finding out things that
you would really never know...i have found at the beginning of my
search into this lifestyle
that some chat rooms was nothing but that....the subs called
the Master/Mistress names....there
was no respect shown to either...then their our
ones that i have encounter
at times that was strictly M/s or Domme/s and when you
enter into the room you
ask permission first.
For a lot of us sub/slaves
and even Master's/Doms the cyber world of BDSM has
let us become closer to
the lifestyle...i've learned a lot of lessons and do' and don'ts from cyber
and real time.....the net
lets me stay close to Master when we aren't able to be together, it
also lets me write in my
journal and put it out on the net so He knows what is going on.
well journal am going to
stop right now...later
__
JAN.....27th....MONDAY
Well journal, where should
i begin my day....geezee..
Got up at 5:30am..made coffee....looked
out window like i usually do to see if it
had snowed unexpected...none
thank goodness, but seen my car driver side had
a dang flat...the same one
i have fixed about 2 months ago....got dress...got doug up,
i went outside to see how
flat it was....decided i could make it to the store if i drove
slow on it.....doug finished
getting dress...Left Master a quick message on icq...and we left early
in case i couldn't make it
without having to put the
little spare on....
So that shot any pictures
i was going to get at least done this morning...and download them
as soon as i got home and
send to Master....
Work was ok...kinda busy
for Monday....nothing exciting happened...lol
Left work at 2...needed
to pay my bestway rental and turn the insurance papers
over so when i get a date
they can process them....and also had to go to title place
and tell them...that they
can either come after the thunderbird or wait until i get
the income tax back to pay
it off due to having to have surgery...
they were real nice....said
no problem...make a note on my account.
so them right now are off
of me...still have a lot to worry about..anyway
back to my day.....all that
running around and i get home around 2:20...come online
Master is on...and then
He goes off...
Still had pictures to take
and get downloaded....and send to Master before 4pm,
knew i wouldn't have time
to do it before Doug came home from school...he came
in him and chris and decide
they want to tell me about this truck they seen and this
girl that came up to Chris
and ask him to drive her home....i patiently waited for them
to get through...thinking
the whole damn time....ok...not much time left...going to get
ass in trouble...when i
am trying to get it done....the damn day is not going like it
should....doug ask if he
could take my car and go over Jamie's....said yes.
Was 3:15pm...when he walked
out the door......got camera and ran to make the
pictures....came back downloaded
them....sent them at 3:33pm...sure hope like
hell they got there before
4pm....
Now sitting here at 4:04....
______
Jan.....28th....Tuesday
Well journal is 2am...sitting
here, went to sleep hand woke me up hurting, so waiting
on the Advil to work..
Master came online and we
talked a few minutes, said i did good last night,
guess that means He got
the pictures..then we went to play dominoes.
Have been leaving my computer
on downloading music from Winmx..
Started writing somethings
and haven't finished them yet...may later on.
well guess i will try to
lay back down....checked Winmx and going to shut computer down
for rest of morning....seems
the server is going to be down anyway...so it may be
by the time i get back up...if
not will boot it up and send Master a message.
Later journal.....oh yea
Master beat in Dominoes tonight..i at least won one...lol
am glad of this journal where
i can put my thoughts here and emotions that i am feeling,
they are doubts and fears....
Master said i had been holding
them back and yes can say i have.
Master has always told me
we could talk, but His answer was the final say....understand
that....i can answer....yes
Master...no Master...Master understand...etc.
and i do understand all
that He is saying.
Yet in the back of my head,
there is doubts and fears or something that bothers me,
and i say it bothers me
still....then i am told i am questioning Him.
I went to bed thinking of
what Master had said about not being in training any longer,
being a grown s/s....yet
why do i feel i haven't even cut the beginning of what it is all about.
Master and i have been in
this lifestyle off and on for two years....and has been what
one could call holes in
between....with things and sickness's that has stalled it.
He tells me we will go slow,
to stay calm He will be there with me, and i know He will be,
yet the doubts and fears
are still with me.
i take deep breaths as He
saids to take, yet when He talks about things we are going
to do...places...things...it
scares me....at times i feel like it is to over powering.
wish i could understand my
doubts and fears...or will i ever understand them...?
wish i could answer that
question....would make it so much easlier.
Well journal....guess today
has been like any other day at work....Doug came to pick
me up around 2:45pm....by
the time i got home was 3pm....got on line to leave Master
a message and He was already
online....we talked about 45 minutes then He said
He had to go feed the critters...got
off myself and took bath...washed hair, haven't ate
yet which i think am going
to do in a few minutes....Doug has gone over Matt's for a few
minutes...said he would
be back to eat.
later journal
___________
JAN.....29th...Wednesday
Well journal, morning starts
just like any morning, up and ready for work, this morning
was pouring down rain and
thundering...sounds strange for Jan.
Work has been like anything
else....wasn't to busy...Doug and i got home around,
3:05pm....booted up system
and left a message for Master...nothing else going on
right now...got some things
i need to get done around house.
Washed clothes and got some
other things done...while downloading some music,
Master came online a few
minutes..then had to go...haven't seen Him since.
Not really anything i want
to write..
JAN....30th...Thursday
Well journal is just another
day and the month will be over.
Work was ok, nothing exciting
happened...Doug got there about 2:40pm,
home around 3....sure miss
having my car there so i can just get in it and come
home instead of having to
hang around there....but is life right now.
Got home and connected....sent
Master a message....screen went green and white,
was really weird...rebooted
and came back on line...
Master and i talked for
a while and then He went to eat....and i went off line to
do some things around here.
Haven't talked to Tammy
in a couple of days, guess they are doing ok.
Forecast saids weather is
suppose to be nice this weekend...am glad of the
warmer weather right now....but
not for the weekend....just means will be another
long one.
--------------
Dominoes.....500 games.....2
to 0-my favor
JAN...31st....Friday
What do i want to talk about
...sitting here and it is 3am in the morning,
well this is the last day
of this month and another weekend coming up.
Suppose to be nice today,
wish i had a cup of coffee but to early for it right now.
what can i write...more
or less what have i got wrote that i haven't finished...geeze
i know i have a lot of them...
At least weekend i don't
have to go to bed at 10...that sucks....heck it won't be long
before i will be getting
all the dang rest i need and more then i really want.
Is going to get pretty boring
around here and me not have a car.
Work was rather busy for
a friday which i am glad to see that, it finally slowed down
around 1pm.....Master showed
up around 1:30pm...grins kinda looked for Him today
wasn't sure if He would
come before i got off work or not...but sure was nice to see
Him, has been since New
Years Eve since we have been together...we left the resturant
and went to wal-mart to
get a few things...from there to the house where doug was
already home by then...doug
got cleaned up and went to the skating ring.
From there we did what i
will call our connection...has been so long for both of
us we needed it...grins....later
we just sit around and watched some tv....watched a
movie called "Jay &
Bob" was so stupid yet so cute...one of the guys in the movie
called the girlfriend
"boo boo kiddy fuck" which Master and i started laughing
and have been every since.....i
finally remember the nickname...lol
Doug came back in and ask
if he could go hunting with Matt..told him yes,
Master and i went to the
bedroom....was awesome to be in his arms and control
once again...we talked and
cuddled later on.
well journal this is the
end of this month....
__________________