01/27/03, 12:40pm
"Tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away.."-nin
*mood for a day*-pissed
*current music*-"Firefly" Delirium
I'm so fucking sick of everything I feel and try to put into words getting lost or ignored or taken badly and I'm not willing to take that chance of being understood anymore. I've never had anything important to say, and I'm sick of being pushed to talk and open up when I know already that what I would say would ruin everything. I know there's probably a few of you out there that want me to keep writing and talking, but I'm sorry, it's not worth it to me anymore, and it was never worth anything to you either. So no more rants, no more depressed song lyrics, no more anything. If anyone cares or wants to talk to me about nothing, then you know where to find me.
01/24/03, 11:01am
"Where are you now when I need you?"-Radiohead
*mood for a day*-uncertain, dazed, fucked up
*current music*-"Animal" Def Leppard
A friend of mine said
"some people use music lyrics to show how they feel. they isten to the words and see how those words of another fit into theirs. its singing to them and only them. i asked someone a long time ago if songs ment as much as they did then as they do now. she told me they did. she thought they were always speaking to her. singing for her. i never saw it that way till i went into jr high. that was a long time ago. it was oly till then when i actually listened to them. i learned that a song wasnt just entertatinment through sound. but through the heart as well. some songs touched people. even enough to make them cry. they are reminders, foretellers, ecapes, outlets, and messages to people. troubled or happy people. it doesnt matter. song makes people think and tap into their minds, it can calm a person, pump someone up, and even let people loose. i dont like to take words from songs though. they arent my words. i dont use someone elses words to explain how i feel. they are not about me. my words are. people need to live their live as their life. not in a song."
I think he's right, but when the songwriters put it much better than you ever could, then there's no reason not to steal their words :)
you do it to yourself, you do, and that's what really hurts is
you do it to yourself, just you, you and no-one else, you do it to yourself
-radiohead
*And since my judgement hasn't been good or solid in months, I'm finally giving in to what everyone's been trying to tell me for years, and I'm going to see a psychiatrist. I'm one of those people that Ryan says have their eyes closed and are blind to what's around them. The way I really act and the way I think I'm acting are two completely different things, apparantly. I talked to my mom yesterday about going to get help, and why she never pursued it after I stopped taking my meds and cancelling sessions. I learned that she stopped trying because I never tried myself. The psychologist said to her that my treatment was going nowhere, because I wouldn't let it. I answered her questions without giving her anything to work with, and that's exactly what I wanted to do. I don't believe in running to doctors or teachers or friends if I have a problem, I just fix it on my own. I would have duct taped my wrist together and finished the school day if my mom and the school nurse didn't insist upon taking me to the orthopedic doctor. I'll stare at a textbook for hours and figure out a problem rather than learning a method of solving it from a teacher, and I'll solve all my psychological, emotional and mental problems by myself as well without talking about them or discussing them with anyone. A lot of times I still think that's the right way to go. Then again, a lot of times I think that I'm mentally stable and I don't have problems. Anyone who knows me even the slightest bit can figure out that it's a lie. But it's not a lie if that's what you honestly believe, right? If I think the walls are blue when they're really white, how can you tell me they're not when I can't see them that way? I think that's one of the biggest problems I have, and that people have with me-that what is the truth to everyone else is a lie to me. And maybe that's my fault, maybe it's a fault in human nature than I happened to acquire strongly. If someone doesn't believe in something, you can't force them to see it, they have to see it on their own. I've known that all along, but it's frustrating. I don't think anyone realizes how much I want to believe in them, and trust them, and have faith in them. But what's the sense in me forcing myself to forget the nagging in the back of my mind, or to ignore the thoughts during the day that contradict everything I want? Anytime I've ever forced myself to do something, it has either failed completely, or I lied to myself for a little while until I couldn't take it and it all went to hell, far worse than it was before. I don't want to be that anymore, I don't want to be the nothing I've become, I don't want to be a monster. And I am. I'd like to give myself the chance to succeed at succeeding, rather than failing like I have in the past. I want to fix all the mistakes I've made with people over this, if they'll let me. Through it all I've said and done a lot of things that I don't remember doing or didn't have control over myself for, and I would like the chance to change. I have lost one of the best friends I have ever had who also happened to be a love in my life, and I've distanced myself from all the other friends that I once knew well and now know as strangers. I've even scared my parents many many many times by flipping out on them, and sadly I don't remember any of it. I don't know how I got from happy to fucked up, but I'd like to go from fucked up to happy. And yes this entire paragraph is going to be all lies come my next panic attack when I go back into denial and tears and hatred and the like, but all I ask is that everyone please don't leave me, because I really do need you. You'll never hear me admit that again so take it now, but I need your support, and for once I'm willing to accept it.
01/23/03, 11:08am
"Surrender, but don't give yourself away.."-Cheap Trick
*mood for a day*-vulnerable, hurt
*current music*-"Breathe" Prodigy
"why's it come as a surprise
to think that I was so naive
maybe didn't mean that much
but it meant everything to me.
-nin "that's what i get"
*I hate myself for being in love with something that's not in love with me, and holding the hope that I can have it back.
*But if the past repeats itself again, then I might as well give up now.
*At least I've gone a week without crying...well until today.
*I must be the most pathetic person in the world.
*How did I know this wouldn't be easy to get over despite how it may have seemed..
*I miss him so much...
*And I dont even know if he gives a fuck anymore.
I'm a trooper though, right, so I'll get over it...
01/21/03, 6:06pm
No song...just the buzzing in my head
*mood for a day*-i hurt
*sigh* Sorry, not Nicole, just that asshole that writes stuff here occasionally again. Nicole is upset at me so I asked her what I could do to make her happy and she wanted me to write about the problems I've been trying to help her with these last few days especially and what I think about them and how she can change to make it better and I know she's doing this partly if not mostly to hurt me because she knows that I hate putting this down because I know it'll hurt her later and she'll use it to hurt herself, but I'll always listen to her and do what she asks of me. She's my everything, and even though I'm broken I love her with every bit of this broken me. Anyway, if this is rather short or doesn't make much sense, I'm sorry. My bus got in at 4:30 this morning, I talked to Nicole for half an hour, I waited for the subway to come for half an hour, I rode the subway for half an hour, I wrote my English paper for about 40 minutes, I took a nap for half an hour, and I started off my day. And I didn't really sleep on the bus. I was going to sleep a bit before my tae kwon do class at 8 pm but it's alright, I deserve this... I deserve a lot worse... it doesn't matter anyway, it's just me...
I think the best way to do this so I don't totally lose my concentration and my train of thought is to make a list first and then go through it and explain:
* Bad sleeping/eating habits
* Bipolar
* In denial
* Panic attacks (constant)
* Need for professional help
If there's any more I'll add later... anyway here goes.
For the last two months, almost, you've been laying in bed for an average of about 20 hours a day. Most people would say that this isn't healthy. It trains your mind to think that it's constantly time to sleep and kinda puts a dampener on things. You're always floating in and out because of it, always worn out, always rather tired and feeling weird. And hun, it keeps you from doing things that are important such as going to school and hanging out with friends. As for food, I'm not going to try to turn you into a health nut or even say that you ought to eat any fruits and vegetables, but you've had many meals lately from fast food places. MANY meals from fast food places...that's not healthy at all honey. Especially with your family history. And not just that but when you're at home you usually snack on ice cream and cookies and a few chips. Not exactly the most nutritious meals in the world. And you don't eat that many of them either. I know your stomach is hurting you severely but not eating isn't going to help get your strength back and you've always said that you want to lose weight and it's dangerous honey. You're already very light and small and any more could be really unhealthy. Finally on this topic, there's the general lack of any exercise. Before at least you got out of bed, but now it's not even that. Exercise gets the body moving, gets the blood flowing, makes you healthier both with your immune system and with your muscles. Also, it helps improve self-esteem and overall mood. Healthy body and healthy mind go together. It really honestly is true. Sitting around together doesn't make a person feel good about themselves. So basically, my advice here is to get out of bed even if it's just to walk around for a while and sit elsewhere, try to exercise a bit, try to eat a bit more healthy, and try to have regular sleeping habits (6-8 hours a night) that don't include naps during the day.
As for being bipolar...some days you're quite lucid and we can talk and be happy and I'm scared but it's always under the surface because unless something triggers it you're ok. But then something does trigger it and all hell breaks loose and there's nothing to be done and that's not cool. When you're ok you tell me that you want to help with that, but then when you're not you say that it's fine, it's not a problem, and it'll never go away anyway so why bother. I'm not quoting you here honey, just putting together pieces of what you've said roughly. This is really not a good situation honey. We can't get into discussing the problem at all without you shutting down, running away from it, and hurting me, like you have today. I'll always be here, always and forever, but it hurts honey. And it's frustrating. And it scares me later on when we're all ok that something like this will happen again. And honey, the solution may not just be to leave everything as it is. The solution probably includes going into those things that you don't want to deal with and dealing with them head on. You've run away from them too long. You need to fix them. That may mean changing the way you think and act. But at the very least you have to face those things. More on related things later.
Being in denial goes with the above a bit, but to expand a bit upon that, it's not right that you say that this isn't a problem. When you say that you don't care about being happy, that you don't want it, that it doesn't matter to you either way, that nothing good will ever happen anyway so why bother...that's not right. Honey, there is a problem, and it requires actions as well as words, and it requires change for the better, and it may require professional help. More on that later.
The panic attacks...honey whenever I'm with you in person you're absolutely wonderful. That's the you that I know is really you. You're comfortable, you're happy, you're enjoying yourself, you're in a good mood, you're fun, you're romantic. You say the sweetest, kindest things right from your heart. But the moment I've left your line of sight nothing is the same anymore. I'm practically a stranger. I call you up and you're jumpy, irritable, distracted...there's always something going wrong. And those romantic, sweet, kind words...very very few and far between. Do you remember the first two weeks of school? And homecoming? Yeah honey...that's what it does to you. And this happens almost every single day since the day I left for BU. And it does get frustrating honey. And it is a problem...*hug* I'm sorry that it happens this way, and I'm sorry to bring it up this way, but it's the truth.
Lastly, and this all winds up this way, is the fact that while I'll be here for you always and forever and I'll always try to make things better, me and you working on these problems alone is like trying to break down a stone wall with toothpicks. We need a jackhammer. We need some professional help here. Honey, these are serious problems. You have incredibly low self-esteem, you are very vulnerable, you are constantly panicking, you are bipolar, and the moment we begin discussing this you turn on me. I'll always try honey, but I can't do enough. I don't know how. We need the help of someone that does. That doesn't make you a psycho or a failure. This is a part of you, but it is like a cancer. Something that needs to be cured in order for you to be happy and fully functional. I'm not at all concerned for myself here honey...I'm just talking about you and your happiness. You can't be happy living your life like this. You can't deal with people, you can't deal with yourself. You can't deal with any of these problems all on your own, not to their full extent. I want you to be really, truly happy, and I believe that therapy will aid us in getting you there. Honey, it's not different than if you had the flu or a broken leg, you'd need to go get treated by a professional. And I know it's difficult to go through parents to get this done, but it's impossible to do it yourself, so when stuck between a stone and a hard place, we need to pick the one that at least gives us a chance.
Anyway, that's that. You wanted me to put it up here and I hope that I've done a good job of it. I really wish I could sleep right now but I need to go pretty soon...but with whatever strength I have left Nicole, let me say that you are absolutely perfect. Take a look at the above, and then realize that knowing all that I can say that you, for me, are absolutely perfect in every single way. You've jabbed at me so much tonight that I'm full of holes but the love that you give me in a single look, or a single tender word, more than makes up for a lifetime of pain. You are my everything Nicole. Just this weekend, talking to you, holding you, looking into your eyes and planning out our future...Nicole the amount of love that I see in those eyes lets me know that's the real you because there is infinitely more there than there ever is when you hurt. When you hurt it's a mask, but when you're happy that's the real you. I can see right into your soul and I know that's what you are. And honey, when you're all better you won't be a different girl, you'll be yourself, happy and healthy and feeling wonderful, always and forever. And I'll be right there with you honey, always and forever. There's never anything that you can say or do to lose me Nicole, and I'll always do my best to help. Even if this is the only kind of help that I can give, even if it hurts a bit to get to the best end. We'll be ok, you'll be ok. Thank you for everything Nicole Marie Mihai, for being so wonderful, for giving me hope, and a future, and a life, for being my soulmate, for being my everything...you are absolutely perfect honey. And I know you didn't ask for this last part, you just asked for the first part, and I know that no words that I could ever type could ever begin to describe you and how wonderful you are...but honestly Nicole that's a huge difference between describing your faults and your hurts and describing your qualities. The faults can be described in one paragraph each. And altogether they take up a page or two. Your qualities cannot be put into words. Your beauty, your great big heart, your wonderful loving, eternal soul, and that brilliant mind...each would take all the thoughts and feelings and words put together of a thousand universes...each would take a thousand lifetimes to even comprehend, let alone to try to explain. Every moment I find a thousand new reasons to love you and every once in a long while a fault becomes clear in my mind. *hug* I'll leave it at that, my love.
01/17/03, 11:01am
"I just want something I can never have"-nin
I still have a brain! Can't say it does much for me, but it's there. Yesterday I went to the doctor's for an EEG (no, I don't know what it stands for either) to find out what all these headaches might be caused by. If you've ever seen a lie detector test, then it's basically the same setup as that. I had about 20 wires with electrodes stuck to my head in various places, and they sent information on my brain activity to a table with paper feeding through it and six little ink pen/needle/whatever things that moved accordingly to what happened in my head. First, they shone a really bright strobe light into my eyes (my eyes were closed) and kept increasing the speed of the light flashing. In the beginning it was okay, but towards the end I was squinting and very dizzy. Then came the hyperventilation test. This just sucked ass. I had to hyperventilate at a constant rate for three minutes. Now I'm pretty good at doing that, considering all the panic attacks I have, but I've never nearly passed out by doing it. I made it to 30 seconds ok, one minute and I was really tired, a minute and a half I started forgetting how to breathe at all and felt my body parts going numb and at two minutes, things started going black and the lady running the test stopped me so I wouldn't die. Then I just had to sit there for 15 minutes and do nothing but relax, or in my case, think constant fleeting random and not-so-random thoughts. Well the test came back saying I have the symptoms and am already developing a pattern that indicates migraines. Since they are hereditary and my mom has debilitating ones that occur a few times a week, I have to say thank you to her for making my life in the next few years to be very painful. They also found out that my platelet count is low, which means my spleen is getting hungry and chomping on them all and not spitting them back out. If that doesn't get better once my immune system recovers, then I might be losing my spleen. Also there's something wrong with my eyes. Normally there's supposed to be a clearly defined circle in the back of them, but in my case it's very fuzzy and has white spots around it or on it, which worried the doctor considering my dad has a tumor wrapped around his optic nerve and that may or may not have something to do with me now. So next week I get to go for an MRI and hopefully something will come out of it. At least I have a valium to take beforehand so I don't start panicking :) And now onto random thoughts:
*I've known this for a while but feel like reinstating it-I have a lot of problems.
*I don't understand why people are getting so worried that I'm not eating or drinking. Why am I the only one that's glad I'm losing weight? I've been trying to do this for years!
*After everything that's happened, Aurel and I are still fighting about Ryan.
*After everything that's happened, I still feel responsible for fucking up two people's lives, one more so than the other.
*I really hate myself now.
*My parents keep trying to tell me that I need a tutor because I can't make up a month's worth of work on my own, but I hate people so much (especially when they know more than I do) that I would rather fail than have to get a tutor. I cannot do it.
*If I didn't think I was slightly fucked up before, I think I'm making myself that way now.
*I need a lip gloss.
*I'm going to shut up now.
01/15/03, 2:34pm
"Dreamer, you stupid little dreamer.."-Supertramp
::breathes sigh of relief:: I'm not pregnant.
This is the first time I have ever actually wanted to get my period. And now that I know, it can go away again :)
01/15/03, 9:11am
"Broken, bruised, forgotten, sore..too fucked up to care anymore"-nin
*mood for a day*-emotionally shattered
*current music*-nin "that's what i get"
Last night was the first night in my life that I haven't been able to cry myself to sleep, but only to cry the entire night through wondering when the nightmare I know as reality would end. As I expected, it didn't, it just keeps getting better all the time. I can't even fathom this being real because I never saw it coming. I should have, no doubt, since it was the cause of my actions, my reactions, and nearly everything in the realm of me. I, myself, as I have admitted many times, am a failure. All I needed was a chance to prove myself right. Which I did. To an unfortunate extent, at least for myself, hard to believe or not. Am I satisfied with myself? Hardly. But I got what I wanted, didn't I? I suppose, but I most definately got what I deserved. The problem lies with me, everything that is me, surrounds me, and is even remotely related to me in some way, shape or form. Because of that, another thing I also admit (usually towards the beginning of a relationship, it occasionally makes the mistake seem a little less surprising when you already know it's coming) that I fuck up, more than any human being should be allowed in five lifetimes, let alone one. Lucky genes, I guess. A lot of times I've made many, many really stupid decisions that essentially I knew would backfire. And as far back as I can remember, those decisions were influenced by either someone, or a vulnerable feeling that put a guard over any rationality I might have otherwise had. Example: website making with Carrie. I had this feeling in the back of my mind that I was going to end up in trouble with someone down the line, but I couldn't think of a logical reason why, and I was having too much fun to stop. My feelings were right, and I still to this day remember when her dad called my parents and told them, and they made me take it down. I got bitched at for saying things that were "offensive" and was told I had to see a shrink because I obviously had problems. Moral of the story: I really should listen to my gut feeling. That same gut feeling that told me the other day that I shouldn't be so honest and tactless. The one that has been telling me for the last four months that I'm going to lose one of the most important people in my life. I just never imagined that the loss would be due mostly in part to myself. I'm still in absolute shock and denial that when I do go back to school, that I won't have a place to stand in the morning, or have someone to lead me to my classes, or protect me from people during lunch. I know that he hasn't given up on me by his standards, but by mine, he doesn't give a shit anymore. And I have nobody to blame for it but me. I've made this same mistake too many times to have it let go and forgotten again, and that's where everyone else has been wrong. I have always gotten a second chance, and third and fourth and fifteenth chance if I needed it. No matter how much irreperable damage I caused, I was always able to say that I was sorry and in nearly all cases, the next day all would be forgiven. It wouldn't be forgotten, ever, but I had another opportunity to fix my mistakes, and I always did. I never noticed little things culminating to reach a breaking point, but I felt every single one when that point was reached. With me, everything has to reach that breaking point before I even see things aren't right anymore. These last few days of torture felt normal to me until last night, when through dozens upon dozens of tears I looked back and saw what a mess I had made of something that was wonderful. Another perfect example of my stupidity right before your eyes; making promises I couldn't keep. I had promised a while ago that I would stop cutting. A few people that I loved immensely begged me never to do it again, and reluctantly I agreed. I didn't want to stop, I had fun with it and enjoyed the pain and whatnot, but for their sake, I could live without it. That was until my insane amount of jealousy came into play and I couldn't take it anymore. The first verse of nin's "hurt" is a reminder of just how paranoid I can get over what ends up to be nothing. But to the person that made me that jealous, I had to tell what I did. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, especially when asked to see it. He cried and kissed the wounds and wiped away the blood with his tears, and from that point I knew I couldn't ever do it again. And that was a year ago, and I haven't since. I didn't take those promises seriously until that day, that breaking point, was reached. Up until then, I still cut, but never said anything, hid it, pretended it never happened. But there always comes a point where I can't pretend anymore. I can't tell myself that everything's ok and always will be ok. It's not. It won't be for a very long while, and in that time I'm sure I'll do something else wrong with emotional punishments such as these. I deserve it, I know I do, but I just wish that at some point, things can be settled and once I learn from my mistakes for good, that I might get a second chance.
12/25/02, Christmas day, 3:24pm
"I'm going to be a happy idiot"-Jackson Browne
*mood for a day*-unhappy, simply because it's a holiday and people keep giving me presents
*current music*-Genesis "I can't dance"
At just the time that you would expect things to be hectic, they become even more so than originally thought. Hence the untimely and unexpected death of my aunt Melanie this past Sunday. Now, I would suppose that in most families, the whole clan would gather themselves at holiday time each year, to exchange gifts and share information and stories about what has happened within the past year. Maybe for some people this happens more often, but in my case, it hasn't happened in 6 years. After the passing of my grandfather, my dad's family has not seen or made any attempt to contact my dad, though it has always been clear that his sisters and brother remained close without his involvement. The reasons for that have always been hush-hush, but the animosity has not. When my grandfather died, my dad was "inadvertantly" not notified when his siblings began going through the house and taking what they liked, but didn't hesitate to call when the estate needed to be cleaned so the house could go on the market. This type of behavior is not only common but expected from them, and occurred again when my dad had to call his brother to find out what time the wake and funeral were because his brother wasn't planning on letting him know until later, despite the fact he was notified only three hours before the wake anyhow. The entire family has excluded my dad for their own reasons for years now, and that made the whole situation (to be con't)
11/28/02, 6:31pm
"Am I the reason you breathe or the reason you cry?"-Saliva
*mood for a day*-scared, confused
*current music*-Journey "Lights"
Fitting? I think so.
"Nothing from Something"-The Offspring
Things are coming down on me
They never seem to let it be
It seems like everything I say just starts another fight
The pressure's building up inside
I gotta let it out tonight
Shattered glass will cure my ills and make me feel alright
Gonna break it
And never stop running
Making nothing from something
Making nothing from something
Cut me for the lion's share
It's mindless, but I don't care
'Cause no matter what I say
I'm in another fight
Take more shit, I've had enough
Tonight I'm gonna rip it up
Broken windows cure my ills and make me feel alright
scar me
11/28/02, 7:31am
"I'd do anything just to fall asleep with you"-Simple Plan
*mood for a day*-scared and depressed
*current music*-(running through my head)nin-"hurt"
I've been told before that sleeping away my problems is not the best way to go about them, but it's always seemed to work fairly well and I've never found a need to change it. So, especially now, when I can't function normally because of all the hurt and fear that I've caused myself, I sleep. All goddamn day. Manage to scare the shit out of my mom, who has begun to think that I'm physically sick. Emotionally disturbed is a better way of putting it. Sleep doesn't help at all when all the fears and worries are played out to their fullest extent in nightmare after nightmare, to the point where I'm crying in my sleep. Along with all my past mistakes and fears that haven't been prodded at recently find a way to surface in my mind and remind me how much I have to be afraid of. Lately I've been not-so-kindly reminded of all my faults as well, insulted over mistakes that I'm working my hardest to correct. I'm not perfect, as hard as I try to be. I know I reacted badly the other day, I knew that right after I said those words. And I'm sorry. I don't think apologies mean anything at this point, but it still stands. I don't know what else I can do. Should I compromise myself and my own feelings for someone else or should I hurt them further by making them wait for me to believe? Should I make their life easier by just leaving? I can't ever seem to do the right thing for everyone at the same time, and I don't have a fucking clue what I should even do at all. I knew all along that I would end up pushing people away because of my fears, and I mentioned that in the beginning just so they would be aware. Now all I would like is that they help me and stay with me while I figure out what I can do better. I'm willing to give up everything for them if they don't want to give me up instead.scar me
11/24/02, 8:57pm
Happy Birthday Nicole!!!!!
*mood for a day*-hurt, happy, hopeful, depressed, just about everything
*current music*-John Melloncamp "Wild Night" (heard it earlier and it's stuck in my head)
This isn't Nicole writing, but I am writing for her, and in a way to her. I being Aurel. It always feels tricky doing this... half of me wants to write, very much so, while the other half is just scared of it. I don't want to say too much... the people reading this are her closest friends, and she feels completely comfortable with every one of them, and I do too, but one of them causes me hurt, and there is no way for me to ignore that. He has caused her hurt, but I have too, and we've both hurt her without the intention of doing so. He hurts her now, but I do too, both of us fairly equally and for the same reason: because the other one of us exists. And yet if it weren't this way, it would hurt all three of us more, at least at the moment. There would have to be a good resolution to everything, and now isn't the time for that. Nicole has told me not to hold back when I write to her or about her in this more public setting, and yet it's always difficult not to. In a way I know that every word I put down hurts that third person I mentioned, and he knows who he is, by the virtue that I'm the one writing this. And honestly I don't want to hurt him. Under different circumstances we would've been great friends. Hell, the reason why we're in this mess of a situation is precisely because we're so damn alike. I hate to interrupt that right there, but when my mind reminds me of something I need to write about it instead, so I'll do that now.
One thing that's always been difficult for Nicole to believe is that she's beautiful. Maybe that will always be the case, but that doesn't mean I'll ever stop trying to convince her that she really is beautiful. And I know that some of her friends that are girls are reading this too, and I mean this in no insulting way to you, in fact I mean this in no insulting way to anyone and anything else in this world, but any words that I could ever use to describe Nicole and her beauty do her such an injustice that the very least that I can do to minimize that is to reserve that word only for her. There is nothing else in this world that can be described as beautiful as long as she is. Tastes may vary, but that's mine. And though others may use the word beauty more loosely, or perhaps have tastes which even tell them that there is someone out there more beautiful than Nicole is, I honestly don't believe that anyone could ever tell the truth and at the same time describe Nicole as anything less than beautiful. To explain the whole male mental process of evaluating beauty in detail, let me go from the top down. But first let me say that the most important thing of all isn't one part in particular, but the way that it all fits together. I'll explain all that a bit more in just a moment but first... Nicole let me speak here directly to you: Whether you haven't taken a shower in a day or you're in there currently (which you wouldn't be if you're reading this), your hair is so fun and beautiful. Whether it's all curled up and 'shpoing-able' or a bit straighter, it's always wonderful to caress or run my fingers through. It's smooth and soft and it complements you just right: color, length, everything. Whether nibbling on them or playing with them or just looking at them, I love your ears honey. And that extra little tip on your left ear is so cute! I love it. :) Perfection isn't flawlessness, it's beauty. And your ears have it. Your eyes are quite possibly the very best part of your body honey. There are several other competitors, but just physically they're just a bit larger than average and that's absolutely beautiful just like that. They always seem to radiate energy from within you. On a more personal level, any time I look into them I can see exactly what's inside. They can speak novels in a single instant. And honey, when we're just looking into eachother's eyes, I can see my entire world in there...I can look into your eyes and see all of that love, I can see them smiling back at me, I can see everything that you want and hope for the future, and your determination to make it so. Ugh...even so far I look back just a bit at what I've written and I'm doing my very best not to hold back but 1) it's so incredibly difficult not to when I know people other than you will be reading it, and 2) I can never even get close to describing how beautiful you are. There aren't any words for what I see there honey... but I'll keep trying. *hug* I think it was our very first date when I mentioned how cute your nose was. I felt uncomfortable calling you beautiful, but honey your nose is beautiful. Heehee, and squishing noses together is so fun! It's all small and cute and nifty and I just love that nose of yours! Your mouth and lips aren't full and huge and I absolutely love that. And those lips are so light and playful and wonderful... Ugh, just had a bad thought run through my head, and I'm not talking horny bad... just really awful bad and I'm trying to get it out but they've been in there for a loooong looong time now and that's just another reason why it's so hard to write (sorry I only mentioned one reason above) but anyway I'll just try to ignore it. Then there's your chin and just the general lines of your face. They're soft and they have that soft look to them, but not flabby soft. Just a fine soft look, well defined but human and cozy if you know what I mean. I'm really doing an awful job of this and I know it...I feel terrible just writing this honey... every word I type makes me feel like a failure... anyway...that wasn't the thought... Honey, your neck, like every other part of you and you overall, and this is an absolutely incredible feature of you, has once again that small, delicate, fine look. That's really a lot of what beauty is. That look that every bit of you has. And every bit of you does have that look. Everything is in perfect proportion with everything else, and it all flows perfectly into one another. It's as though you were molded without any harsh angles or extra stuff anywhere. Just the perfect size and shape for everything. And honey as much as I try I feel far too depressed right now just trying to write this to go into anything that the average person can see walking down the street (on an average day of course.) I honestly wish I could, but I feel awful about doing such a terrible job describing all of this, using words to describe something beyond words... I can't go on right now. I'll try another day, but I just can't go on... honey when any guy looks at you they can look at any one part or at the whole and they won't even be able to take in the tiniest fraction of all that. Your curves, your perfect size and proportion, the energy that you radiate that's so clearly visible that even a blind man would look your way... that's how you strike me honey, and that's how you strike any guy.
And honey, another reason I can't write that today is just because I hurt too much. Describing you is like revealing you...it's like letting the world have a glimpse... and right now that strikes too close to the heart for me to be able to do that. There's too much hurt there...you wanted me to write about that too. I guess this is where what I was saying before comes into play. And yet even as I write this I keep thinking of what I'd say next to describe you.... I just can't leave it like that... I can't go on either. I just feel like I'm about to explode and part of me wishes I would. I might as well keep going even though I'll fail miserably...
If anyone is reading this that may feel hurt by reading this, or uncomfortable in any way, then you'd better just stop. I sure as hell don't have the strength to keep writing this, but I can draw that strength from Nicole and make an attempt at it. Nicole, you've often said, or at least you used to say more often, that you thought your arms were weak and that you didn't like that. At least I don't think you liked that. You're not weak. You could always try working out more but your muscle tone give your arms and shoulders that beautiful firm yet not rock solid look that's beautiful. And honey, your shoulders aren't boney, they're wonderfully comfortable and so delicate... every bit masterfully shaped. Your boobs....a part of you that you've never felt good about, a part that perhaps no girl feels entirely comfortable with. Maybe its like guys and their dicks. And yet you told me about that that too big isn't any better than too small and that I'm just perfect. And honey you were right. But in that case I'm just right for you, whereas in this case, while there may be some guys who just love to see a huge flab of skin on a woman's chest, those guys that prefer smaller, more delicate boobs, would find yours perfect. I know I do. They perfectly shaped, not triangular and pointy, not big and flabby...just full and round (and they cup perfectly in my hands!)... Proportionally, they go perfectly with every other bit of you. And honey even that part in the middle between them is just right and so much fun to caress or lick or do anything else interesting to. And honey, your boobs are really incredibly comfortable... just as they are they support my head just right and I can relax and fall asleep on them so easily if we were so inclined to take a nap. And then there's your hands...just like with your nose, and your eyes (which I don't think I said anything about on our first date but I loved and always have and always and forever will love looking into them), but anyway, just ilke your eyes, your hands are perfect. Just like with the rest of you, I can close my eyes now and envision them. Small, delitae, yet strong hands. There is so much power in their size. When you apply them to me, I can feel as much from them as I can from your eyes. That love is in your hands. And even as hands viewed from a common passer-by, they're beautiful. And holding them in my own...it's holding my world in my hands... Then there's your tummy. It is honestly wonderful. Again, those delicate curves are absolutely delicious, and that very light fuzz that you shave off all the time is perfect just as it is. So smooth, so soft... and honey you do too have hips. The shape of your body is subtle, and that makes it all the more enticing. With a more curvy figure it's all right in front of you...with yours it excites not just that part of a guy's brain that senses beauty in what it can see, but so much more in the imagination too. Even when nothig is hiding you, that part is still active. Those little curves are perfect just as they are. And the way that your tummy curves down towards your pussy... drives guys crazy. Speaking of which, just as I'm perfect for you in every way including that, you're perfect for me. Your pussy is beautiful too honey. I know you weren't planning on it, but please don't ever shave there. It's just right, completely and perfectly right. The shape, the size... that firm softness, that light wetness whenever you want it (and it's usually lightly wet which I don't mind one bit), every little thing about it. I know you don't like it when your legs are hairy and insist that if you are going to show them in public that you must shave them, but I have to disagree with that. Hairy or not, they're beautiful. Not skinny, not plump, just right. Again, they flow from top to bottom as though manually shaped with the utmost skill. Every little curve just right... Your ankles, toes and feet are beautiful too, baby. I know you don't like how your toes are shaped but honestly they're so cute and lovely and beautiful! Heehee, and so much fun to stick up my nose.:) Or to lick or suck on lightly or play with. And your feet, just lovely and small and perfect. *hug* I absolutely love telling you how beautiful you are Nicole. I love describing every bit of it, and if I think only of that and not about who else is reading, I can really feel good about it even though those other thoughts don't entirely go away. None of those thoughts do...but Nicole Marie Mihai you are absolutely beautiful. Any guy looks at any of those things, any guy takes you all in at once, which is impossible tod do, but any guy that tries to see you like that, that guy sees absolutely beauty right there honey. It's impossible not to. It's what you have, it's what you are. Every curve, every ounce of flesh perfectly placed, perfectly shaped, in perfect proportion with every other ounce. Not a single bit misplaced. You are absolutely beautiful. *hug*
I know you wanted me to share my thoughts on a few other things too...namely some of those things that hurt. I'll stop addressing you specifically here and just address anyone still reading in general. I'm sorry...I'm sorry if that hurts...I'm sorry if it hurts that I wrote that, I really honestly am, it hurts to have written that but I know that as much as you wanted to read that I wanted to write that. I always have, even if Nicole hadn't given me the go-ahead to do so. But without that go-ahead I never would have. So here it is, said and done... that on my mind intermingled with everything else. Describing her is like being with her, closing my eyes and being there, seeing her, touching her... it stays in my mind long after...long, long after. Even if there's pain there too. As for that pain, I often wonder if it could've been any other way and have been better. You know who you are, so I'll refer to you directly... Nicole and you don't have that perfection, but I can honestly see how close it is, and how much that little gap between perfection and what you have hurts. And yet that little gap spares us so much more pain. The pain of choosing... the pain of false hopes... that pain that was there before. Let me go back a step though. I have absolutely nothing against you and I really wish everything were better, and I don't mean any of this in any mean way, but I know how often you've thought that Nicole is perfect for you, but really sit down and think about that. Can the two of you really and truly be yourselves with eachother, in every single way, and feel completely right about it? Can you be yourselves without hurting eachother? Can you love eachother not only with everything you've got, which I know you do, but also in that way in which you need to be loved by eachother? There is raw strength, but there is method behind it too. What you are can be altered, but your soul can't. Always, both of you, and anyone else reading this, be true to yourselves. What have you done if you're not? Where do you get if you're not? If there's one little thing wrong and you decide to tell yourself that it's really right and you live that way for the rest of your life do you honestly think that'll be a good thing? At the very best you'll forget about it, at the very worst it'll drive you insane. Some things that you do hurt her... in a way I know she's wanted to tell you but hasn't felt comfortable telling you... but I know she's wanted to. Like the first time she said she loved you... remember back, who was the first one to tell you that she loved you? Was it her? No... that's how close your perfection is. Imagine that perfection is a kiss. Now imagine that between you and her is a screen only one atom thick, but spanning the entire universe in every direction. Inpenetrable only because you can't change your soul and she can't change hers...you can't get around that screen and be true to yourselves, but you can kiss across that screen...you can each kiss the screen where your lips are, and that's how close you are to perfection. But as for what hurts...what she needs... she needs you to be hers alone. In all ways. But she needs you to be true to yourself at the same time. If you change for her that hurts more than anything else. She needs you to pay attention... actions count for more than words. Not even huge ones... just thoughtful ones. Think of her when you're not with her... even a mind as fallen apart as mine can still put a few things together in the many moments I'm away from her... a mind more stable would do much better. There's so much more that I can't put into words...listen to her, listen to her heart, to her hands, to her eyes... if you feel something is right, and you feel that from her, then let it be so. Don't doubt it, don't judge it. I know you love her, and I know she loves you.... as much as all of this hurts, as much as that hurts... as much as your existance hurts... I know it's true and I'd never ask her to give that up for anything. More than that, I'd never want her to give that up for anything. I want her to be happy.....even if that means helping you with these few insights that are just my own humble opinion and nothing more. But they're my true opinion and coming from me an honest opinion about Nicole is fact... I don't say that to boast, but when I say one heart and one soul, I mean that. And when I say always and forever, I mean that too. Every single moment, every single day, from the moment we first felt those feelings in our heart to the very last moment that time exists in this universe, I know that we are one soul so large that it had to be poured into two bodies. One soul that is complete together. As I try to let the present not hurt the future, please don't let the future hurt the present. Don't let what may come tomorrow ruin your today. What's the point in that? You'll come away from this with wonderful memories, and trust me, those memories will be in her heart forever as well. With her, love doesn't fade. Memories don't fade. You won't fade a single bit in her heart. Trust in her... If she is a structure, then I am a foundation upon which it's built, but you are a pillar that holds it up. Don't for a moment lose sight of how incredible that is.... you can see in her eyes how much you mean to her, how incredible she is and what place you hold in her life. A moment with her is heaven, and you have heaven.
It was nice for a while there...writing beyond the hurt...hurting so much that I was numb and I could say what I felt without the hurt scrambling my thoughts. And I do mean say, because every word that I've written I've spoken softly under my breath. I always do that...every word I type to you Nicole, I speak to you as well... some things you'll never know, some things are so small I don't even pick up on you...but that's what puts us on that same wavelength. That's what makes us one...puts us beyond perfection for eachother, beyond devotion to eachother, and makes us one heart and one soul, always and forever. *hug* The hurt is catching up to me now though, and everything just wants to shut down. Hands too for that matter. It does take a while for my hands to want to stop writing. Anywhere from a page to three or four when writing by hand. However much I've written here when by computer. Maybe a bit more at times, but the pain adds to my weakness....makes it physical.... anyway Nicole, you are honestly and absolutely perfect. In everything that you do, in everything that you are, in everything that you feel... I know, I understand, I can see down to the very core of things even when it's beyond spoken words. Just know that I'm always there, always deep down there, and I'm always here for you, always and forever. No matter what, you can always fall back on the foundation I make for you. I'll always and forever catch you. Don't ever be afraid. One heart and one soul, always and forever. *hug* I love you with every little bit of me Nicole Marie Mihai. Always and forever.
scar me
11/20/02, 4:13pm
"We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year. Running over the same old ground, have we found the same old fears? Wish you were here"-Pink Floyd
*mood for a day*-very hurt
*current music*-Pink Floyd "High Hopes"
ugliblufeesh (4:00:19 PM): and honey, i know you won't get this for a while, and i'm going to do my best to make this short and sweet, but you are an absolutely incredible person. you put up with an incredible amount of stress and you keep on going. you're the strongest person i know honey, and i honestly admire that strength in you. there's a lot i admire in you honey. the way you deal with people, your seemingly infinite compassion and love. the way you can be there for all those peolpe you care about, and the way you can care about different people at the same time. honey, the truth is some of them don't deserve the amount of caring that you give them, but you still give that to them and i just wish they could live up to it and not hurt you, but hun you're absolutely wonderful. that's not just in my eyes, that's in the eyes of an unbiased person who can see into your heart better than anyone else. *hug* and as for my own personal opinion, you're perfect. perfect in every single way honey. you're a piece of heaven broken off and fallen here wherever we are now to make life wonderful for one special person, and to make it a hell of a lot better for a lot of other people. and honey...thank you so much for choosing me to be that one special person. nicole marie mihai, you're my everything. *hug* you're my world. every thought, every bit of strength, every moment goes to you...and i only wish i had more just for you honey. you deserve more than that and i wish i could give you more than you deserve, i wish i could throw that all on you....you're so incredible honey. but i could never even muster up so much as a tiny little fraction of what you do deserve...you're absolutely incredible. i know it's so hard now, i know how much it hurts...just know that i believe in you more than anything else honey. i'd go through hell blindfolded with you holding my hand and leading the way. i have complete faith in you. *hug* and honey, i'm here for you as well, always and forever. every single step of the way, every single moment, i'm here for you. always and forever, no matter what. *hug*
Despite the fact that all of the compliments aren't true, this made me want to cry. Except so far, I can't. Nothing I'm experiencing now is enough pain to make me break down, only enough to make me ambivalent and apathetic in the outwardly sense while it tears me apart inside. It's alright, I'll live, don't waste your time worrying over it. I'm not worth it. I get what I deserve...absolutely nothing.scar me
11/09/02, 8:27pm
"If you think that you've found that one that you really love...make sure they love you back"-The Ataris
*mood for a day*-contemplative
*current music*-(stuck in my head) Yes-"Going For the One"
Isn't it amazing how when given the opportunity to spend time doing something enjoyable in the company of someone you love that it's much more appealing to take a day out for yourself? Maybe that's just me. Anyways, some time to myself was in order today, and has been well worth it. So many times have I wanted to simply sleep away my problems until 1:30 pm and I've finally had the opportunity to do so :) I suppose I'm a rather simple-minded person that thrives in chaos, for much of my life is hectic and filled with complications and yet I'm thrilled to sit online all day reading emails debating on the nature of God and relating songs to male climaxes and tantric sex...I *love* my Yes list. I learn so much through a bunch of middle-aged Yes-obsessives that have gained far more wisdom in their years than I probably ever will. It's a nice thought though to imagine myself as intelligent someday :) Speaking of Yes, the concert was incredible. I've thought for a long time that music over the years has lost any sense of feeling to it, and that making it is simply the process of making a few hit singles and writing filler songs to put between them on the cd, rather than writing beautiful, awe-inspiring songs that lure the listener into another state of mind and invoke certain emotions and thoughts during the piece that will stay with the listener long after the song is over. The latter part, Yes does magically. I have never in my life felt such deep connection with a song and gone into another state of consciousness when listening to a band play...it's divine. I nearly cried at the end simply from not being able to hold all the raw emotion inside. Seeing some of the best musicians that have ever lived (but are never are recognized for their immense talent) is seeing God, for me at least. I’ve idolized them for so long, found so much meaning in their songs, and having something that intangible less than 10 feet away from you is an indescribable feeling. To attempt to describe it would be demeaning and almost insulting, if it’s possible to insult a feeling. I guess only I think in such terms :P The setlist was almost perfect, I only would have changed it slightly (with the addition of “And You and I”, one of my favorites :) but it was as follows:
1. Firebird Suite-good lead in to…
2. Siberian Khatru-excellent opener, provided both familiarity and a good sense of energy
3. Magnification-Wasn’t familiar with this one, but enjoyed it anyways
4. Don't Kill The Whale-unexpected, but not disliked
5. In The Presence Of-I rediscovered how much I liked this song
6. We Have Heaven-This was one of the ones I didn’t know, but it was very good nonetheless
7. South Side Of The Sky-Great song, especially when intertwined with the aforementioned one
8. Close To The Edge-Incredibly powerful, the best I have ever heard it. It’s such a great song lyrically as well as instrumentally. Just proves how many levels Yes can transcend :)
*during this point, Chris Squire goes into a 10 minute bass solo that proves what an excellent bassist he is and what a showoff…well showman would be a kinder term, he was highly entertaining to say the least…the other band members simply left the stage at this point, figuring he would be a while*
9. Heart Of The Sunrise-*points upward*…I nearly cried at the end of this song from the sheer meaning of it
10. Long Distance Runaround-Combined with “The Fish”, it was very good. Not one of the highest points of the show but was still nice to hear. Goes back to that sense of familiarity :)
11. The Fish (w/Tempus Fugit & On The Silent Wings Of Freedom)-Another one of those songs I really didn’t expect to hear, but was not disappointed over.
12. Awaken-This song has mixed meaning for me. It was easily the longest song they played (20+ minutes), and was absolutely awe-inspiring to see live, but before then I had never regarded it as much other than a sleep-inducing epic..shall have to hear it again to find the meaning I had been missing for a while.
*the encore….*
13. Roundabout-Easily the most popular Yes song, it was truncated because of time constraints but was still excellent. No matter how many times I hear this song I love it just the same as the first time I listened to it.
14. Starship Trooper-I literally screamed when I heard the first note of this. This is, without a doubt, my favorite Yes song, and even though the depth and meaning of the song is kept to a quaint 3 ½ minutes, and the solos take over from there, it’s mind-blowing to say the least. I’ve heard a few versions of the song, but they played it better than I have ever heard before. Again, I nearly cried at the end of this because it never fails to elevate me to another state of consciousness during the riveting riff leading up to the solos…::thinks back:: All I can say is, wow.
For being as old as they are, the amount of energy and life they put into their music is admirable, if not incredible. I lost count of how many standing ovations they received, but they were certainly well deserved. The audience, though rather small (which was surprising), mirrored the energy of the band and made the 2,000 people that were there seem like 20,000. The band seemed a bit disheartened at the small crowd but were quite happy at the response to their show. During “Starship Trooper”, Jon Anderson lost track of his verses and couldn’t decide which one he was on, so instead we ended up with “Please don’t say a soul” and a sheepish grin from him once he realized what he said. Certainly an amusing moment. Also, at one of their previous shows, when doing bows, Chris forgot he still had his bass strapped on, and poor unsuspecting Alan White got smacked in the nose. Since that incident, the other band members have been wary of Chris, and during Roundabout, Chris was walking towards Rick Wakeman and with his free hand, Rick jokingly held his hand out to prevent getting mauled by the head of Chris’ bass. Such is Yes-A band that not only has an ethereal quality to their music, but a personable quality as well. I have never seen a better performance in my entire life-3 hours very well spent.
After the show, Aurel and I were exhausted (hey, after singing your lungs out, you might be too, but he didn’t know any of the words (I just recently converted him into being a Yes fan) but I have no idea why he was tired. He has no excuse :P) but we fell asleep on the drive back until my mom stopped at McDonalds. Cheeseburgers make a wonderful breakfast at 12:15am. Then we got home, and went to bed. I know it’s been said that sex is the closest that two people can ever be, and technically that’s true, but I get that same feeling from falling asleep in someone’s arms, and waking up the next morning in the same position. I looked up at him just as he was waking up, and he gave me a light kiss and whispered “I love you” in my ear after pulling me closer for a hug. The entire world could have ended at that very moment and I wouldn’t have even cared as long as I was in his arms. That entire day was incredible-eating breakfast together, taking a shower together, figuring out how to work the can opener together, having fun together ….he’s incredible. Every little thing that he does, every comment he makes, every look he gives me reminds me of how much he loves me and how incredibly lucky I am to have found my soulmate. I have never felt so comfortable with anyone before, to not have any fears or worries with him, to have gotten over my self-consciousness in his presence…he’s brought out so many good things in me that I couldn’t even begin to repay him. We complement each other so well that there’s not a single thing one of us can’t do for the other. We essentially have the perfect relationship, and days like that prove to me how perfect we really are for one another.
scar me
10/13/02, me and Aurel's 10-month anniversary, 4:45pm
"It's my fault that it fell apart"-New Found Glory
*mood for a day*-hurt
*current music*-none
If I were any more sensitive, I would have committed suicide many years ago. I certainly regret not going through with it then. Then again, there's nothing to say that I won't still do it. The more I think about it, the better of an option it becomes. I've made promises to someone I once loved and people I do love, but the frightening part is that there isn't a single person I've ever loved that hasn't made me want to break those promises. And yet I keep holding on to nothing with as tight a grip as I can muster, and wait until I lose all strength and fall deeper into the darkness. Every last bit of me is devoted solely to making those I love happy, and yet no matter how hard I try and give of myself, it never is good enough. I've heard so many lies and criticisms over the years that certain words have no value anymore. I dictate how truthful people are and their sincerity based on their actions, what I see when I look into their eyes, and the feelings those two things evoke. But when those two are opposing forces, I lose all insight and end up as a hopeless, lost soul with everything to lose and nothing to gain. And at that point, it comes down to the same routine as always: criticize self until proven worthy. It's not hard to find something in me that's less than perfect, my faults are pointed out to me daily either by the aforementioned people I care about or myself in the things I consistently do wrong. (10/18/02, 5:27pm, finishing where I left off) I've know that I'm a failure, that I'm ugly, that I don't have any talents, I'm boring, I'm highly unintelligent, I'm worthless, I'm always wrong, nothing I do is ever good enough, and that no matter what I can't be perfect for anyone. Yet I still have this little spark of hope that tells me maybe I can be something to someone and do something right for once in my life. I try so hard to make everyone happy, and despite all the energy I put into that, I still fail. I can't help feeling like I'm nothing when that's all I'm made to feel. Joking or not, every single detrimental comment about me I take personally and count it against myself. If there was enough reason to say it, then there must be meaning behind it in some way. And it hurts so goddamn much to know that a person you love and trust more than anything else can hurt you in the worst way imaginable. Whenever that happens, that little spark of hope extinguishes and this little voice in the back of my head tells me what a fucking idiot I am for trying to be something I can never become. I hand over my heart and soul and everything I am to those I think would care, but on so many occasions I’ve had them broken, and the caretaker never bothers to pick up the shards left behind. And after all this, I'm expected to believe compliments from those that put me through that pain. I can't do that, I'm sorry. How am I supposed to believe an "I love you" after being torn apart and desecrated? I've heard that phrase so many times that it almost means nothing to me. More often, it means nothing to the one saying it. I’m so afraid of that phrase meaning nothing, of me meaning nothing to anyone. I don’t want to be the girlfriend-of-every-couple-months or just something to have around until someone better comes along. I want to have a place in someone’s heart, to be loved more than anything else imaginable. I want to be the shoulder to cry on when something goes wrong, the person you run to when everything’s going right, the girl that can offer you advice when helpful and a hug when there’s nothing I can do, the one you can tell anything, everything and nothing at all to and still hold their interest, the person that will be there for you unconditionally, the one other person that will love you just as much as you love them. I wish I could be that, but I’m not. I don’t know if I honestly believe a single “I love you” from anyone. I’m afraid that I’m not good enough for anyone, and that I fall short of every person that they’ve dated/been with so far. Every little thing I do, from how I walk, to how I eat, to every single word in each individual sentence I say, I judge myself on, and I can’t ever get it all right. If I kick my foot accidentally when walking, or use an adjective in the wrong place in a sentence, or cough in the middle of a dead silent room, I criticize myself for being such a fucking idiot. I hate myself so much because no matter what I do, it’s never right, it’s just never good enough and I always make these stupid mistakes. I get upset over menial things that wouldn’t bother anyone other than myself. I react badly in uncomfortable situations and end up wondering why I’m doing what I am and hating myself more for acting childish and letting things bother me when they shouldn’t. I hate myself for never having ideas anymore, for not having any interests or likes, for being so incredibly apathetic in every aspect of my life. I can live with something, but I can live without it too. My mom was right, I really don’t give a shit about anything but myself. I hate myself even more for not having a single bit of inspiration or an idea to do anything with-my creativity is completely gone, and it’s most likely due to the fact that any time I would try something for the first time or even work on it at all, if it wasn’t perfect that very first time, then I gave up and criticized myself for being so incompetent and such a failure. Yes I know this is all a vicious circle and it’s all my fault I’m in it in the first place and that I have nothing to be paranoid about and I’m just being stupid and making a mountain out of a molehill, and all I have to do is change my way of thinking and everything will be okay. It’s not that fucking easy, I’ve tried. Honestly tried. Still doesn’t work. The harder I try to do something, the worse it ends up getting, and simply ignoring it is the easiest and best way to go about it. All you have to do is ignore me when I’m having bad days and complaining, and it’ll all be okay. Then you have no chance of seeing me cry or having me bitch at you, because you won’t be around to care. Actually, better yet, don’t care at all. If you didn’t care, then you wouldn’t even be involved in this whole mess I hate to call my life. There’s so many other girls out there that you can have that are more beautiful, and more fun to be around, and with fewer problems, that I have no idea why you choose to spend your time with me. You know you’re wasting your time, but you choose to anyway. Please explain this to me because there’s nothing about me that is worthwhile enough to even give a second thought to. I wish that last thing I typed didn’t get deleted because it sounded so much better, structure wise, and my feelings were in a slightly organized fashion while still being dishelved, much as I was at the time I wrote it. Now I’m simply just upset and hurt by a lot of things and I’m doing such a half-assed job on this, which I know I’m going to regret later. It’s simply not good enough, like usual. I’m honestly sorry about the way I’ve been acting lately, and being upset, and for crying, and hiding things, and not talking, and just standing there staring at the ground, and pulling away and every thing that I’ve done in the last week that I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry for being bothered by things in the first place. I wish I wasn’t afraid of people and could stop shaking and getting so nervous whenever in public. I wish I could open up to those that I care about and not be afraid of the reaction I might get. I wish that I had specific answers to things, but I hardly ever do. Just don’t tell me that I know what I’m feeling and thinking because most of the time I don’t. I have generalized feelings and fleeting thoughts that run through my mind so quickly that I don’t even have time to focus on what they entail. If I know what it is that’s bothering me and I can put it into words, I will, but many times they’re either nightmarish thoughts or things I can’t say. I don’t try to be overly secretive but I can’t help wanting to protect myself and to not leave myself vulnerable. I also wish that I didn’t get so upset over little comments, actions, etc. I wish that I didn’t always have to take things so personally and be hurt by so much that doesn’t even matter at all. I wish I didn’t pull away and become so detached when I’m upset even though I feel detached from everyone on a daily basis. I wish that I didn’t get so annoyed at repetitive comments and obvious statements. I wish that I didn’t get so jealous of every other girl in a 1 mile radius of me, and that I could not feel neglected and unloved whenever they come in contact with someone that I love. I wish that I didn’t feel the need to compare myself to people that are better than me and make myself feel like even less of a person and more like a useless piece of shit. I wish that I wasn’t still nervous around the people that I care about, whether I’ve known them for a month or 10 months or 5 years. I wish that one of those people would care less about always being right and knowing everything and not make me feel worthless every single day. I wish that he might also talk to me more about his feelings and his past and everything that matters to him instead of always having to do something or play video games or make out or something to that extent. I wish he would have the courage to tell me what he’s feeling, about us and about whatever it was that was bothering him. I wish that someone else might not be so wrapped up in himself that he can’t see anything past his own mindset. I wish that he wasn’t always so upset by the fact that I’m not there with him and cry to me every single night over it when there’s nothing I can do to change the situation. I wish that these things weren’t coming out so harshly because that’s not how I intend them. I wish that I didn’t find faults in every thing that I do and that I could see some good every once in a while. I wish I wasn’t so paranoid about not meeting standards and constantly worrying about what people are thinking about me. I wish I were the best thing that ever happened to those people that I love and care about. I wish I were the best at everything I try so hard to be perfect at. I wish I wasn’t forgetting half of the things that I’m afraid of and have been bothering me. I wish that everything I’ve written will end up working out for me and that I’m not creating resentment and tension by stating as many of my feelings as I can remember. I wish…
scar me
10/06/02, 8:01pm
"Look through these blackened eyes, you'll see ten thousand lies"-nin
*mood for a day*-highly depressed
*current music*-nin "pinion"
It figures that the best thing to happen to me in two weeks ends up being the worst. My life tends to go like that-it hands me what I want, takes it away or attaches strings to it, and then sees how long I can go without it before I snap. Everything. I assumed (how stupid of me) that this weekend would be a lot of fun for me, considering I get to see Aurel and have him spend the night, and get to see Carrie as well. Seeing Carrie wasn't bad, I had a decent time considering it was a school dance and I was surrounded by a bunch of people that reminded me exactly why I left Ludden. After I got home, it all went downhill and I had one of the worst nights that I've ever had. Aurel and I ended up getting into a fight that, looking back on it and considering only the reasons for it out of context, then it was pointless and stupid, but I guess it hurt me enough to become a big deal. Although hurting me doesn't take much, especially lately. He didn't even really know what I was mad at him about. He knew what I wanted to do and supposedly he wanted the same thing but every time I did something hinting at it, he pulled away. I can't stand even the hint of rejection, especially when I put all of my love and faith into someone just to have them pull away from me and tell me that there's nothing wrong. I hate being hypocritical like that because I know I do the same thing (yet another reason to hate myself), but it hurts me so much. I'm too fucking sensitive when it comes to things I don't feel sure of or are self-conscious about, and anything that I hear or sense at all that proves my worst fears to be true and it absolutely kills me. I can't even take a joking comment or constructive criticism when it's about something I'm afraid of doing wrong. I hide it, or at least try to, but that only works with people who don't know what I'm afraid of. Even if I sense something is wrong that I'm doing, I think myself to be even more of a failure and I shut down. Tears that I would cry convert into anger towards whoever is nearest by me that I care about enough to bitch at. It's a backwards system, but crying is a sign of weakness and that makes me feel like even more of a failure, etc. I held myself back from crying and lashed out at Aurel last night like I always do, and I wouldn't even let him touch me. During the nights we would spend together, I would always fall asleep in his arms and we would wake up in the exact same position, and he'd kiss me good morning and everything would be perfect in the world as long as he was holding me. That dream became a nightmare, in more ways than one. I kept wandering in and out of consciousness, and I couldn't tell whether he was really there or not, if I was even alive or not. I had a hard time recognizing that I was in my room, laying on my bed, because everything took on a different meaning and a cold, frightening atmosphere hung around. I could hardly stay awake for more than five minutes, and I would sleep for a bit and wake up sharply because of a nightmare. All of my worst fears, down to the minute ones, came up in those dreams and I was so lost in whatever state I was in that I had no idea it wasn't real. I would wake up hyperventilating and thinking that I was alone, and find Aurel next to me trying to get me to breathe and stop panicking and I would get more scared because I had no idea where he came from and if I was still dreaming or not. Then I would fall asleep again, have another nightmare playing on some different fears of mine, and wake up in the same way. Over and over and over again, I felt this complete sense of loss and confusion, and it hasn't completely gone away. The morning came, and instead of waking up in Aurel's arms like I would in a picture-perfect world, I was on the opposite side of my bed from him, and as soon as I saw him there, all the anger and resentment and unhappiness from a few hours earlier came rushing back, and I kicked him out of my room so I could cry for hours by myself. I don't even really know what I was crying over, just a whole lot of things in my life that have been hurting me that I've continually ignored. The tears turned to hatred, and I kept insulting him and hurting him, denying every feeling I've ever felt for him within these last soon-to-be-ten months. I treated him like absolute shit and he took every bit of it. I managed to make him cry for hours and not even feel the slightest remorse in insulting and hurting the one other person that I love and care about more than anything else. I'm such a horrible person that doing that makes me feel good. I like knowing that for once in my life, I can do something and not be told I'm wrong, or be laughed at or anything like that. And most of all I like knowing that I can break someone simply by playing on their greatest fears, poking fun at their sorest spots, reducing them as a human being as much as I can. And as good as it makes me feel, I hate myself for doing it. When it came time for him to leave, he looked at me and begged for me to forgive him for whatever he did, and even just to hold his hand, and I refused. He looked at me with the most desperate, painful and hurt look I have ever seen and through it all, told me he loved me, and I glared back at him and said nothing. I watched the tears well up in his eyes as he walked out of my room as slowly as possible, hoping that I would change my mind, and run up to him and give him a hug and kiss...and I glared some more and gave an evilish, I-got-what-I-wanted, revengeful smile. And here it is now, hours later, as he's on his way back to Boston for the next two weeks, I know he's going to look back on this weekend and feel bad about it, and I simply don't feel anything. I don't even want to talk to him, or anyone for that matter. Talking to people hurts. Opening up hurts. I remember two summers ago being grounded and not seeing a single friend of mine, and not talking to a single soul other than my parents when absolutely necessary for a month at least, and being visibly unhappy but enjoying the time to myself. And here I am now, with a bunch of people I care about in my life, and I still want to be alone. I still want to hide away in my room and stare at the ceiling for hours and ponder how much I hate myself for being the way I am. I don't want to ruin other people's lives by tricking them into believing I'm a good, loving, fun person when I'm not. I just assume do the world a favor by killing myself. I lost count of how many times those type of images have flashed through my head today. I honestly hate myself. I hate everything I do, everything I am, and every little bit of me. So many times I think to myself how much better off people would be had I never been born. And sure I could kill myself now, but I can think of three people that might be upset over it (for a few days, if that) and I don't want to put them through any more pain than I do on a daily basis. I'm a complete failure to them, to my parents, to every person I try to succeed for, and mostly myself. Things would be so much easier if I was alone, nobody to disappoint but myself.
scar me
10/04/02, 1:53pm
"We've got the American Jesus, overwhelming millions every day"-Bad Religion
*mood for a day*-shitty
*current music*-The Rolling Stones "Brown Sugar"
I've always found it to be incredibly ironic that the sun always tends to shine on such bad days. Such as today. I really don't remember most of it, which isn't cool. My braincells must be dueling it out in my head and keep getting killed or dying of mental injuries :P The only things I can seem to recall are the things I've tried so hard to forget and ignore. Stupid little comments, past feelings, a lot of stuff that I wish would just stay locked away in my mind but refuses to do so. Even a lot of shit I don't want to deal with now comes up at the most inopportune time, and I get so goddamn frustrated with myself that I can't control what I'm thinking and it wears away at me so I end up being lost, scared and incredibly fragile. When asked "what's wrong", all I can say is nothing. It is nothing. Feelings are nothing. If there were an actual event that happened, then I might be inclined to say so, but what I felt about it is worthless. I can't possibly be that open with anyone to discuss how I feel, it's all so random and pointless and stupid, and every time I've attempted to open up to people, the only thing I've opened up to is hurt. And suddenly I'm expected to be able to do that again? Just because someone says "I love you" doesn't mean they said the lucky words and now they get my heart and soul, no strings attached. I've heard those words before, given all of myself to someone and had it smashed so badly I didn't even bother to collect the broken shards after I finally let go. I'm not quite as stupid as I look, and although I make more mistakes than should be allowed by law, I do make my best attempt to learn from them, and I've figured out that the only person I can trust with things so fragile is myself.
scar me
