A rainy blah day
Mood:  not sure
Topic: Staying Home
today i just stood home. it was raining. winter isn't fun cuz i can't just stop by Central Park w/ some friends, too cold! but anyway, yes. i was just inspired to write a song, granted i can't sing, but so what? i'm not gonna be up on a stage or anything, right? and i've finally let everything go. like, all the bad nuances of this year, i just let it all go. cuz, see, i was writing in my journal thing, a/b the few things that have happened this year, because i just got it yesterday, so i have to fill it in on everything, and everyone. so, anyway, i reread what i wrote in it, like an hour ago, and i just READ it, like it didn't register any feelings whatsoever, i was completely indifferent to it all, like i was reading something from a book, about someone else's life, and even then i would have had a bit more emotion. but, no. i am happy. cuz i mean, this stuff just happened, and before, like in october i woulda have been brimming w/ anger, but i'm calm, here i am writing in this blog. i should be an advocate for this kinda mess. like, How to Get Thru Life's Shithole of endless misery. lol. not quite as provacative, tho. but, yet again i say this, i'm happy. i just read this story online, and oh, it was good. the romance there just makes me wanna like a guy even more. i don't necessarily want a bf, just to like someone would be enough. just to get that little fluttering feeling in my heart when i'd think about the guy. i haven't had that in a long time. well, i guess i'm off to write my song. ciao!

Profile of the most perfect guy
Mood:  crushed out
Topic: Perfect Guy
things have been good lately. i'm happy. and now instead of my stupid ex filling my thoughts i've moved on to more...satisfying thoughts. a/b the perfect guy. now, no one is perfect. but it's fun to dream, now isn't it? looks don't matter to me, as long as he has a good personality. cuz looks fade w/ time. and ppl can break their nose and then their replacement nose just DOESN'T work for them. and that's unfortunate, unless u don't like the person, then it's hilarious. but anyway, perfect guy: he's sorta like me, actually. but i don't want him to be my clone, cuz while that would be lots of fun, eventually it might get annoying or boring. so, if he's basically sorta like me i'll be okay. but, anyway, he has to make me laugh. and not even that, we'll make each other laugh. cuz i don't want just a boyfriend to like make out w/ whatever, but i want a friend, someone i could just hang out w/. right, and he has to be smart. sometimes i get all Green Party and wanna talk a/b the poor animals and environment or maybe why it shouldn't matter a/b gay ppl getting married cuz there's a supposed separation of church and state and etc. and maybe, just maybe he could actually give me the stuff he said he got me. and i'm not a gold digger, i just think i deserve a lil some thing on christmas and such. but whatev. i'm not in any mad dash to get w/ anyone. i'm just fine sitting at home EVERY DAMN WEEKEND BORED OUT OF MY MIND, but seriously i'm fine w/ it all. i can make eye contact w/ all the cute guys i want. (that's the 1st step in making any sort of move. and then if u really like him, u might give him a flirty lil smile. and if he's available he might come over and then u 2 talk, but if not, it's no big loss. he might think ur smiling at someone else. or he might just be slow. lmao. i really shouldn't laugh at those poor cute, cool guys who are unfortunately slower than slow. it's not nice.)

I still got it!
Mood:  celebratory
Topic: Staying Home
the internet is absoloutely crazy! those damn chat rooms! hee hee hee. didn't go to the party, stayed home, but it wasn't that bad. cleaned my room. and tomorrow i'm gonna beout so that's ok. but the great news is that I STILL GOT IT! i'm so ecstatic. that's really the only reason i wanted to go to the party, to prove to myself that i still have what it takes to attract guys. and now i am good. i'm not on the lookout anymore. i mean if a good guy comes along, i'm not gonna turn him down, but i'm not trying to go out of my way. not that i really did before, but u get what i'm saying. yay! this is gonna be a good week. yes. a good week indeed. but in the chat room, holy crap! *laughs to self* people r pervs. and i'm a tease. but only a lil. ok, maybe more than a lil. but primarily that's only online. and not even that often. but i'm not a whore. oh what the hell am i trying to explain myself for?!

Another rapidly approaching dull weekend
Mood:  down
Topic: Parties
dammit, Lynn said she doesn't wanna go to the party tomorrow. so therefore, i'm not gonna go cuz u don't go to parties by yourself. i am going to be sitting at home playing scrabble w/ my sister again! how am i supposed to get out there and have fun at home?! there's no one here! it's not even about the guys, it's just finalizing my freedom as a single chic. i need a party friend. someone who is always up for a party, but not that parties rule their lives. so if i don't find someone who's going to the party tomorrow, i'm gonna have to stay home, in my pajamas, playing the sims. vulnerable to all the never-ending horrors of someone i don't wanna talk to coming along and calling me. no! i must have a back-up plan! i don't have one!!!!!!!!!!!!! let me see? do i wanna start my christmas shopping? no. that's what saturday is for. and saturday i'm gonna be bymyself too. i need friends that don't have lives like me cuz my life is struck by boredom. friday, friday, friday, if..no cuz i'll still be bymyself! no matter what i do! fuck. i can't believe how bored i'm gonna be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! let me think. think think think. what can i do? maybe i'll ride the train aimlessly and get off at some random stop and roam around for the hell out it. bymyself. why don't i have any cool older siblings? my sister-27, married and junk. and she gets on my nerves sometimes. my other sister, too young to even bother taking places cuz she always acts a fool. and all my friends from school have stuff to do. ok, i kno. i'm gonna hibernate tomorrow, so then i'll wake up and it'll be like 1 in da morning to watch some good shows. i'm nocturnal. ew! i have school tomorrow! and i have to write some fuckin' english essay of which i'm gonna get a low grade on, cuz even my good essays get low marks, so wtf, why bother? i'm gonna get sick from all of this annoying lonesomeness.

Life is looking up
Mood:  bright
Topic: good times
ooh, ok. so today was a mighty good day. was rating ppl on one of those rating websites w/ my friend, Katie. it was hilarious. gonna be in a few sweet sixteens this yr. and i'm sharing one w/ katie, since i'm not gonna be around and i don't kno enough ppl to have one of my own. but damn. it's gonna be so much fun. if don't meet a good guy there, then bloody hell i'm hopeless. cuz like BAM all over the place, like a buffet! lol. too funny. i took a quiz today and it was like thati will meet a guy in an unexpected place, or stemming from a friendship. but i have no guy friends. well, none i want to date. of the 1/2 guy friend i have. cuz well, sorta not really. not as close as my friends that r girls. so he doesn't count as a guy friend, yet. i mean w/ time we'll see. cuz w/ time all truth prevails. well, eventually. gotta do decorations for the christmas tree. but we misplaced them . oops. oh well. good good bye bye

Hakuna Matata
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: the revelation
just came back from posting my final entry @ xanga, basically saying that i'm not sorry for anything i've said or done, cuz i'm only human and if having thoughts and feelings a/b shit that happens in my life damns me to hell, the so be it. but i'm mostly happy cuz since they hate me so much they'll finally leave me alone. once and for all. and i've got a crush on a guy! well, granted i haven't met him yet it'll be great fun when i do meet him. cuz i haven't had a crush on anyone since May. and i didn't even kno his last name. and he was kinda slow. what a waste cuz he was cute and really cool. but the intelligence factor just wasn't there. he's a senior now. and hey, if he needs a prom date, i AM available lol. as long as its not around my b-day when i'll be going to Canada. what fun. i'm "uber" excited.

Public Enemy Number 1
Mood:  irritated
Topic: freedom of speech
well, after being discovered @ xanga, i had to relocate, so voila, here i am. also, now being public enemy number 1, most ppl from my old school hate me. but no worries. my motto's Hakuna Matatta. i've been trying for the longest to rid myself of them, and i guess if them actually reading online how i feel about them will get them to finally leave my life, then so be it. see, i had this revelation, exactly one month ago yesterday, that i would aviod all potentially unhappy situations and stay away from all hazard-causing ppl. cue my ex, the source of most of my anger and irritation. we were going out on and off for about a yr and a half. broke up w/ me like 2 weeks ago. and then i felt really happy. like a curse had been lifted. but then he started to call me again. everytime he enters my life, there's always tons of stress and anger. now he's absolutely infuriated at me, and i kick myself for being so foolish at voicing my opinion so opnely there. but then i don't. i also applaud myself, becuase now everyone knows how i feel. so now i can really focus on starting my career as a writer and releasing "negative energy". i said when i was graduating that i wouldn't associate myself w/ ppl from that school after that, however, that wasn't true. but now it is. at first i was actually mad, as i said about kicking myself for them finding out, however, now i realize that BAM, my going to church on sunday actually paid off. cuz i did pray for the "negative energy" to fade away. and hurrah, it has! and while this might lead to me getting physically attacked sometime in the near future, i have no problem getting police involved. and i'd laugh at court too. cuz i'm just that kind of person. hee hee hee. Everything happens for a reason. gotta keep saying that to myself. and another goal for this week is to block ex's number from house phone. i've thought about doing that for awhile, but never did. but now is the time. i'm absolutely brimming w/ excitement (no, i'm not. but i just wanted to say that)