Jurnal and Stuff
Things about me, and some stuff you probably didn't want to know:
Well its saturday morning and after spend a wonderful day cleaning.... I've decided to start and keep an online jurnal (i know i spelled it wrong) of my life, and see who and what responds. Or who actually reads it.I write to someone named Amy because thats a name that for some odd reason brings comfort to my heart, thought the "Amy" i write to isn't a person of reality, she resides in my heart somewhere....
P.S.(just to warn you, i was angry, and usually are when i'm writing, so somethings i say may not all be true or my be distorted views of reality, but my feelings come out in my jurnal so...)
08/10/02 3:49 am
Dear Amy,
Well my life is kind of messed up right now. I’ve been with this girl for the past year and a half and I love her. But she doesn’t love me. I cheated on her once or twice as she did upon I, but being young and ignorant to what our love meant, that’s what happens. I treated her like a queen and did my best to fix what had happened between us. I was falling in love with her again, but in my blindness without me noticing she was doing the opposite, falling out of love with me. Yeah she does still loves me, but she says she’s no longer in love with me. I don’t know what to do, my heart feels like giving up, like quitting and jumping and not caring anymore, or just not any more. I hate feeling alone, and I feel alone, surround by people who don’t know me and those who do don’t care about me, or don’t love me. Sure I can call them in need, but I could call any normal human being and get attention or help if I needed it, I need love. And people just seem not to be able to do that. I can’t be loved, the way I loved her, my love. My first real best friend and the one person I’d trust my soul to besides my first love is Julie, and she is a long story. Meet her through a friend and protected her from him, then she protected me from my self and I learned to love again, then she disappeared and she needed me, and because of law I could be there for her, now she doesn’t trust me, and I’m not important to her, though she can say she loves me?!? My true love says “Call me if you need to talk or something” but she really means “ call whenever, just not too much or I’ll get irritated because I don’t love you any more and I’m moving on instead of trying to love you again, and your too much pain for me, I’m taking the easy way out, that way later I can say life was easy instead of I needed to work for it” But I’m not angry just surprised to love someone who doesn’t love me back, its hard, it hurts and it sure does suck. I made a new friend recently, she was cool, and I talked to her, and trusted her then she forgot about me for my friend the only guy friend I’ve trusted since the last time I trusted a girl who ended up with that guy from before, now it repeated again, and me being who I am, I’m trying to get her with him so they can be happy, and I’m here crying alone, hurt and scarred and there’s no one there for me. My real love when she told me she didn’t love me any more, but I told her I renewed my vows for her, she felt it was too hard for her to dump me, so I dumped me for her, I broke up with her not because I wanted to but because I knew she’d feel better about any decision she had to make, and I loved her and wanted her to feel right or easy or something, and once again, I’m left alone and cold and crying. And here I am woe is me and woe is me, and who ever reads this will laugh or cry or say hey he’s just upset it’ll pass or he’s just trying to get attention. Well maybe it’ll pass but probably not, it took a whole real person, Julie, to show me how to love after the last time I gave up, and she turned quite the soon after, so should I give up , yeah why not, no one really cares, Amy says no just so she doesn’t have to feel bad about ripping my heart out and throwing it on the ground, like did to her, the only difference is I picked it up and let it beat me to the ground then I picked my self up and nurtured hers back to somewhat health and I was ready to start on bringing the whole heart back together, but my hearts still on the ground somewhere, and its love and people, total strangers are walking all over it, not even realizing that its there, cause people don’t really care. My like I do. I’d kill myself right now fo9r anyone who I’ve ever said I cared about, not one, not a single one, would do the same for me. That makes me cry and angry and cry all at the same time. Time will tell, well I just shoot time he’s dead, so fuck time come back here and face reality, LOVE, that’s all it takes LOVE, you can afford that for me, the one million time and again person who’ll probably bring to you the guy you marry and he’ll cry after you kiss him, and he’ll know that deep down you really love him but that you don’t realize it cause you can’t forgive or be selfless and give up on some other thing or person for him, like he’s done for you one million times, and mistakes happen you should know, for his and yours could bring down the world but they pass and so should this and come back!!!!. Please. My parents left me when I was one, when they realized that I was a real person and a true child, they left me, forgot to love me, and teach me, and I’ve learned for my self and taught my self and people wonder why I’m so fucking stupid about things, and then when I knew there is one thing about me, that I have to keep, because its my identity, everyone around me tells me to change it or they’ll leave. I never have hated, ever, hate mean to want someone to burn and suffer for ever, I’ve never wanted that for someone else. That’s fucked up, but people spread hate, and I teach love, and I’m the fuck up one. Christians good Christians teach curse and hate separation and only one truth and condemnation and damnability and hell and they’re plain good people right, well fuck you!!! I’m a good person and I’m alone!!!! I will show someone my child how to really love REALLY love, and they’ll love unconditionally, and follow my meaning and show others and they’ll get killed just like I am being killed because I believe in something and others hate me for it. I love you all. I love Amy, and she doesn’t love me, that is fuck up. And I’m just plain weird right, that what your thinking, aren’t you. Sorry if I’m upsetting you, but this is my reality. Why don’t you come and see for you self if you think I’m better off than I say, isn’t that what you think, that I’m over exaggerating ha, we’ll see. Well This is the first of many to come thank you for reading, it’s a stress thing, I guess.
08/17/03 10:53 am
Dear Amy,
Its amazing what can happen in a year. I've moved in with the infamous amy... and somethings are better others aren't so much. I'm still really stressed out, i have alot of anger issues that i don't express to anyone, there isn't anyone out there that i think wouldn't kill me for a named price... or something close to it.. ad i'm always getting yelled at.. or "having a discussion" about something i do wrong "everyday". I need to find someone who can nurture me just alittle, and maybe show some interest in me alittle. I think i show enough interest in other peoples lives to get some sort of credit for it. And on top of all that... i spent a year gaining debt for someone who just broke thier promise to me anyway. Isn't that fucking wonderful. Yeah I;ll stay with you and love you and work on things, except no, i want to be my own person and in a year i'm staying here and fuck promises and our relationships, but pleas estick around for the memories of our relationhsip that already has a predated breakup point anyway. And while your at it, "forget about being sexual in anyway cuz your a fucking sicko..." and i can't emotionally handle it... well thats fine... i do really understand... and i try to be understanding.. but even kissing only upon your command... the whole relationship is a "on amys command" basis.. otherwise i just frigging live here. Nice isn't it...?Oh and another thing... does anyone know what being trustworthy is... cause i thought it included telling the truth? well there seems to be more then that cause i tell the truth..maybe lie on some small occation but it always ends up coming out in some daily quarrel we have.... and i'm completely not trustworthy...? but then she breaks up with me a yeara go.. so she can be alone and her own person.. but she's dating a guy she cheated on me with for the 'experience' and says... Thank you to him when he say i love you... but then write.. i heart brian.. al over her frigging note book and she tells me.. i was just testing how it felt to write it.. it was nothing.. and i dont remember how it felt anyway... the a year later after he heals from the whole experience... i give the sweatshirt that they shared together back to him.. and I'm a complete asshole for it. And om top of all that.. we move to 5 mins away from him and she wants to be friends with him after fucking him for 2 months. and says thier just going to be friends. and that thier taking some time before thier actually going to " get together and catch up", but the she write emails to him about how excited she is and how soon he can call and how to call so he doesn't have to deal with me and telling him where we moved to.. right next to him... and all this... but tells me no haven't talked to him., and sayd i have nothing to wory about thier just going to be friends not even soon to now... and he mother who bitchs about anything she can but she never does anything wrong.. and you'll say your sorry about something and she just bitch cuz sorry doesn't cut it. but then when you don't say it your a fucking asshole who she doesn't want to deal with... lol lovely just lovely. And on top of all that i have no one to talk to or who listens to me. and no one willing to love me with out me changing a million things... and no family..i haven't got any.. fucking crazy huh?.. well in a yeaqr i move to ohio or cali both places very far from here.. and i know no one there so its going to be like a fresh start from all this new englander crap. I'll keep in touch with amy until she tells me she fucked some kid or that she called her boyfriend my name instead of his while she was drunk or some crazy thing that she's said to me before.. then she'll call me when she has problems or get into a fight or need some advice but wont call to check up on me oir tellme she loves me.. cuz that would take too much time out of her very busy day.. just to let me know she loves me. before i to say it to her..... but if i say it to much to her i'm a jurk for it.. and she wont respond unless shes not just had an arguement with me... and it goes on..... life that is lol life... Maybe i should just start a business and work my life off... fix my car so i don't have to ask her to leave the house or use her computer so that my whole life isn't based around her like its been for two fucking years..., but she needs to be free and loves freedom.. but only for her... oh sure i could be free but she gets made at me for hanging with people she doesn't like or beening near girls in anyway.. or even being out late unless i tell her ever moment of it and then she sayd she doesn't believe me about it... nice huh?.. i'm tired its late talk to yall later.. maybe in a nother year.. lol maybe...
Well anyone who has ay questions comments or maybe your a real person email me some time... Ajmoyhn@hotmail.com......LOL again its a stress things
Email: Xenocide@dangerous-minds.com
