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May 23, 2003: I'm feeling like a total tool right now....I'm so stupid and I have a new person to add to my ever growing list of people I hate...we'll call this person Freg for the time being. I hope bad things happen to you Freg..bad bad things. May 17, 2003:Uh huh, it's been a while, but life is pretty awesome. I'd say it will be a while again before I update this.....it's just not as theraputic as it used to be. Anyway, if you like techno music, sunglasses, gratuitous sex, and computer generated imagery then go see Matrix Reloaded...it was WAY GAY. I'm leaving now. May 05, 2003:Sorry folks, but I'll be taking a vacation for a while. I need a break from life and I doubt that I'll have any time to update this journal...I need to evaluate my existence and the meaning behind all these insane feelings that I have coursing through me. A burst of anger came out in me today more frightening and random than any other anger I have ever experienced in my life. It didn't feel good and I dont want to put myself at risk of having this happen again. I need a long long vacation from life and when I return to you all I hope to be a much better person and have some sort of grip on life and know what is to become of me. Take it easy folks and I'll see you...someday. May 04, 2003:I can't remember much of today for some reason....maybe because I woke up at 1:30 or so then D and I went to Ohio, came back talked about the Bible some then I went back to sleep until 9:00. Not too long after I woke up Tiersa came over and we chatted a bit, she showed me some of her new clothes, we kissed and loved, talked some about the future, then she had to hurry off to home. I love that girl so much and I am glad that things are looking up for us again. I thank God for all that he's given me in my life and the continued success and joy that it's seeing these days. I am quite happy now. Only one thing keeps me from being totally content. We'll see how long it takes. I love you Tiersa. Later On kiddies. May 03, 2003:Holy crap, what a great day. I got to see Tiersa TWICE and there was kissing and love and all manner of good things going on. I am so hopeful that things really start to look up soon and Tiersa and I are back together and as happy as we used to be. I love that girl so much. Other than babbling about my love...hmm...I ate some pizza and rode in a cadillac. Glenn Danzig so confuses me with his real last name...not anymore though, he was born Glenn Anzalone, have a look see  Tonight I saw X2 with some friends, that movie is pretty much a gay fest except for the fact that wolverine is cute and I'd like to be built like him...and I imagine Glenn Danzig playing a better Wolverine, but who am I to cast that movie? Other than this, folks, nothing has happened. I will be back later with another update. Later On. May 02, 2003:Do you ever get the feeling like you're the only one who is working toward a goal that is supposed to be met by more than just yourself? Do you ever feel like you're the only one who wants a certain outcome from something? Do you ever feel like all your work is in vain? Do you ever feel like someone's not telling you everything and you're being lead blindly? If you answered no to one or more of these questions then leave me alone because there's no way you can relate with me. What's to come of all this? Please God, give me the answers I am so desperately seeking. I cannot stand to keep this burden with no prospects of a reward in the end. I feel like I've been abandoned and told to find my way home, but in the process of getting home I find that everyone has packed up and moved away so that I would never be able to find them again...sometimes I think I see them off in the distance but then I find that it's just my mind playing tricks on me and I realize that I'm still lost and all alone. This has got to find a happy resolution soon or I think I may go insane. May 01, 2003:I am running on VERY little sleep right now, I'm confused, I'm in pain, I sometimes feel like all my efforts are in vain. I am afraid...I can't tell you of what right now, but I may in the future when my fears are either confirmed or laid to rest. Pray for me folks, please...I need all the help I can get and I'm feeling like a fool right now in my life. I feel like a big fool... April 29, 2003:Most of today is a blur, as I spent a great deal of it stuttering to myself and feeling like I was going to black out. I don't know what brought this condition on, all I know is that I disliked it....greatly, and I hope it doesn't happen again any time soon. The next thing I remember is going to the mall with D and seeing long lost buddy Daniel Davis who I thought was far far away from here but it turns out he lives in Ashland. No sign of William though, which sucks a lot. On the way home from the mall I saw something that made me think a lot. A small mass lay bunched up on the side of the road. I thought nothing of it until our car passed and the bundle turned out to be a struggling rabbit who's legs had been smashed by a car. It struggled and writhed there on the side of the road as I pleaded with D to turn the car around so we could help it....at least put it away from the road so it didn't get hit any more. I wanted to scoop it up and doctor it back to good health and make it MY bunny, but D just kept driving and insisted that there was nothing we could do about it. All night I've been thinking about where that little guy is and how he's doing. If I wasn't so extremely macho I might cry for the bunny. Now what started the chain of events that led that bunny to get hit on the road? Did the bunny start out in search of food? Maybe for young bunnies? Where was the car going that hit the bunny? Did a delay put the car at that spot at just the right time so that it could hit the poor little fella? Why are all these things meant to happen? The rabbit's life may have been insignificant, but its death played an important role in the world...in my world anyway. The slow, agonizing, tormented writhing of that poor bunny opened my eyes to how life works. It's all happening for a purpose...these bad things teach us, open our eyes, lead us to make better decisions, educate others, keep them from suffering. Maybe I'm crazy...maybe I'm not...but I know I'll remember that rabbit forever. April 28, 2003:The highlight of my day was speaking to Tiersa for a very very brief period of time. Other than that all I did was buy a 5 dollar pizza for dinner and shared it with D. It's been really boring and I dont think I'd make it through Mondays if it weren't for Monster Garage and American Chopper. Talking to a friend of mine tonight I realize that there are tougher relationships out there than mine and Tiersa's. This lady friend I have has a fiance who was recently diagnosed with cancer...that's tough. If Tiersa was ever to hit me with something like that I'd die. So now I thank God that both of us are in good health and we have a future to work toward. I love Tiersa so much. Thank you God for this day and all the love I have. Later On guys. April 27, 2003:Mega cool day today. I went up to Ohio and hung out with the kids a bit and played some music. It wasn't an incredibly structured practice but it was fun nonetheless. We almost died a couple of times in the car, but it's no biggie. Worked on two original songs and scrapped the idea of an Iced Earth cover for a while I guess. I didnt get to see Tiersa, but I did talk to her a bit and she seemed to be in a little better spririts than she had been so I was very very happy and greatful for that. I hope she's doing better than I am with this whole new situation. It has only been about 5 days since we broke up, but it seems like it's been forever. I miss that girl a lot but I have a lot of faith that things will patch up and we'll be back on our normal happy schedules before too long. I dont have nearly as much hatred in my heart these days and breaking the habit of cursing is a hard one...I wonder if I had always cursed this much and just didnt notice it until I tried to stop or something is making me want to curse more now. Oh well, I dont know what else to write about so I am going to go and wait for something to happen. I love you Tiersa. Later On. April 27, 2003:I never dreamed that so much pain could exist in this world, and that it could fall upon one man is the most absurd of ideals, yet it seems to rain down on my life even as we speak. Things are getting better/worse in my "life". I am stopping all the foul language, I am getting onto my dad about helping me to get a car and a liscense, I am going for a job interview on Monday (maybe to more than one place), Dad and I actually spoke without putting each other down yesterday, I am getting my debts paid off, mom wants to give me 500 bucks to put toward a car...yeah, things seem to be going pretty good in my "life". You ask me, "If everything is going so great then how could you have all this pain in your life?" Well I'll tell you, it's my other "life", the one I am supposed to have with Tiersa. Misunderstandings last night lead to one of the worst possible situations I could have imagine....ONE of the worst, not THE worst. With the passing of each day my fears grow and I continue the rollercoaster ride...I get extremely down but then something picks me back up and down I go again, back up, down, up, down, up, down, up. I really dont know what to do about my lost love. For those of you who dont know Tiersa like I do, let me show you just what makes her worth all this, *roll film*: Tiersa is beauty...beauty in its purest form. She is the greatest of all God's creations, this we can gather just by looking at her. She is SO funny, and fun to be around. She can brighten the darkest of days with her smile, and her laugh could easily shatter the will of the most vile. She is smart, ambitious, optimistic, has a good and growing relationship with the Lord...but all these things pale in the fact that she cares about me. I am difficult to live with guys, seriously. She stuck through all my bad days and laughed with me on my good ones. She kept me on my feet and helped me focus on a great future. She sacrificed a lot of her time, money, and sanity to keep me alive. I cannot think of a more saintly person in this entire world. She is everything I could ever wish for, and now she's slipping away. What am I supposed to do? Why do things continue to get worse? What is the purpose behind all this? What am I learning? What am I gaining? When will it stop? When will I be happy again? I pray that the Lord watches over my humble heart and keeps me through these times. I pray that I can continue to see success in my "life" outside of Tiersa so that when things are straight there I can focus all my energy on being together with her again. I pray that God walks with me and guides me to a point in my life where I can give Tiersa everything that she has ever needed or wanted. I pray that my body does not expire before all these hopes can become a reality. If any of you have read through all of this and you're still with me then thank you, God bless you for caring and if you want to give me a call or come by then I welcome you into my home...I'm a lonely fella. Later On. April 24, 2003:Today progressed...slowly. I found that it was about 4:00 before anything noteworthy happened. I got my other income tax check and dad got jealous, then I got a phone call from Cristy Smith. I said I was bored, she said she was bored, so she came over and we hung out and looked at her astrology book. That book is the devil, stay away from it. We listened to 9 tons of music and laughed a lot, it was a good time. Let's see what tomorrow throws at me. Later On. |
