Reading this all that time without my knowledge wasn't kind. It was the opposite of kind. He should never have shared this with you.

Thankfully I met someone who never would have.

6.2.02 ....403 days left. why joe why? why?

why did you lie to me? why did you shame me by not leaving me with at least the truth?

04.26.02

i won't do again
what i did with you. not with anyone not ever.
it was a leap of faith, i did it, it was
my choice, and i felt by instinct that i had to do
what i did. and it left me kneeling in a desert
with a womb full of broken glass. prostrate before
a still clear pool but not allowed to drink.
writing unanswerable questions in blood on the face
of the water, growing weaker and weaker,
in the silence where you ultimately sent me.

and i knew it would happen, and went into it knowing,
though maybe not how deep and how hard it would be.
.....that is not my land, it was only a place i visited
in order to know you. a part of me is lost to it
until when. forever. i live there again sometimes
when i'm walking home alone from work. or in sudden silences
when i understand that it may never be over.

the endless wasteland, the desert silence, a frozen
sky, and a mystery. a place in myself that may never
know redemption. you led me there, and i followed.
and you promised you would leave, and kept the promise.

i feel myself fading forward through time. and cities
are rising at the far horizons. and the visions on the periphery
are full of life barely remembered. and they will move
closer and closer until this desert teems with life, and i will
move between the houses of loved ones, strung with
lights along narrow streets, and sit in balconies
in the dark, and hold the hand of a man i don't yet
know. but this place will remain forever,
this ghost will always kneel at the edge of the pool, nothing will pave over the memory,
and the blank spot will stand in its own place and
remind me.

1/4

~.~

hi joey;

i'm glad we talked.

i think we do know each other.

and i do love you.

i love the way you think, the way
you make me laugh, the way you make love
in the dark, and on the air to
an audience. i love the way you
act on impulse and the way you
weigh things later. i love the way you
fight fairly. i love the way you try
to be honest amid contradictions.
and i love the way in which you acknowledge
the complexity and the paradoxes
of trying to love
when one doesn't know how.

and i love your green eyes. but
mostly i always loved the way you
smell.

what i did not and do not love
are your weaknesses and failures, and
my own, and the way they played into
each other.

i do not love the way they kept us
from knowing each other better.

unfortunately, this site and the other site
both had the underlying theme of working through
the bad stuff. the confusion and the loss.
a lot of things came straight out of my
subconscious and applied themselves to the present
and to losing --or never having--you.

so a lot of what's been written is about
emotional exercises that are not so much about
you, as they are about me.

i would guess it's true of you, too, that
maybe you had feelings about me that echoed
or replayed things that had nothing to do
with the present.

i would hope that those "out there" can understand
that, but, you never know. anyway, i'm sorry to
say, a lot of my writing about you, has been, really,
about me.

and i would venture to think, though it may not be true at all, that maybe a good bit of your thinking/reacting to me, has been about you.

in this way lovers sometimes can be obscured from each other;

i want to believe that through it all we did meet somehow. i felt that we did, anyway.

what we never arrived at was a point of mutual
decision about the impulse that brought us together;

i'm learning that sometimes there are things
that never come to an answer or conclusion that
really satisfies.

with you, i felt a greater potential than i ever have. but, potential is not the same as realization of potential. not in art, and not in love....or, really, in anything, i think. and in love, it needs two people.

you are very dear, sweet joe. i'm sorry for the hurt my anger has caused, and i forgive you for the hurt you've caused me.

stay buttoned.

cindi

1/3

dear dsl extreme,
i'm glad you enjoy my writing
so much that you keep checking back.
if in fact that is why you're checking
back.

but it breaks my heart that you're not
joe. in fact, the whole thing
with him just makes me sad anymore.
i think it will be better to stop
keeping it alive in writing.

i don't know if you had a hand in
letting him know of the 700days page.
and, i'm sorry you wouldn't identify
yourself. that makes me nervous
and suspicious.

someone told joe of the 700days page.
and, for all i know, that person has
also told others; possibly joe's current
girlfriend, or god knows who else.
yet another excellent reason to stop
posting here.

~maybe YOU are joe's current girlfriend. how
do i know? you seem awfully interested in
what i have to say. even my friends don't check
in as much.

whoever you are, whatever your reasons, because of your refusal to let me know who you are, i now don't feel safe with you
seeing into my heart and life.

and still another reason is the notion/hope
that he will read what i'm writing. all that
is, is an excuse to keep the connection alive.

that will work against my putting this part
of my life firmly behind me.

i may put some new pictures on the 700
days page, but i won't
be posting here or there, anymore.
whatever your reasons, i hope
you've enjoyed the writing and
random musings...

peace,

555 days to go

01/01/02

every word i write is only half
of something unwriteable.

cleverness won't suffice. poetry fails. power is
useless. love is turned upon itself to become its opposite.

only until things can become silent.

and walls of words and web pages evaporate,

and ideas fall away to reveal the truth.

if it will appear.

time has its own methods and secrets. and is marked
today with the mystery.

. Thank you for visiting my page at Angelfire. Please come back and visit again!

yeah, yeah, yeah. whatever.

556 days to go

12/31/01

haven't been kissed in so long, the next kiss
i get is gonna make my head spin. you know how an owl's head turns all the way around? like that. it will probably pop right off.

*i never dream about flyboy, and when i do, he's always leaving or gone. but last night i dreamed he was kissing me. and it went all the way through my brain. funny
how the body makes promises to the mind and the mind believes because it's part of the body.

anyway, the grooviest gift i got was a chairman mao lighter. from china. that was from mikey and sandra. tell me that's not cool. it even plays a tune when you fire it up. too bad i don't smoke. new year's resolution: start smoking.

557 days to go

12/30/01

"to separate the essence of the person from dysfunctional or disliked behaviors."

sure is nice
to be back
in southern california.

dim grey sky today.

very lovely.

saw him up at work yesterday.

felt sort of foolish.

oh well. that's me. fool dot com.

*blarhgh*

oh, well. *sigh*

this damned computer could Not be slower.

my hair is a pretty drastic change. i mean, from blonde
to black----i'm enjoying the reactions i'm getting.
i like it better. i feel like an oriental goddess.
i feel like a rama-lama-ding dong.
like a million ducks.
quack, quack!