Reading this all that time without my knowledge wasn't kind. It was the opposite of kind. He should never have shared this with you.

Thankfully I met someone who never would have.

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627 days to go.

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~*~

day73.....sat.....oct.20.....2001

you're a good girl, though i stink of bad
i need this i need him i need her
i need everybody

why

but you're my best friend. you slide beneath my shallow, pretty young skin
you're my cool friend.
the only one
i will ever
truly
leave

and the day ends, and the night begins. these big city lights
are like stars that won't shine bright. and all of us depend on love ....
the comfort, that comfort of strangers.
~skin

**************************************************************************************

i confess

i called him last night

got his machine

hung up

......

i was immediately sorry~as in~why did i do that? but i know why. i know he has caller id. and i know he'll know i called. but didn't leave a message. there is nothing to say; i guess i wanted him to know i was thinking of him: but why?

i was wrong; the connection is not severed; but it's been dealt a blow. it's hanging by a bloody threat. a bloody thread, i mean.

seeing him in class was hard. i'm furious. i almost hate him for acting like i'm the crazy one and it's my fault that no dialogue is possible. no dialogue is possible because it's just goodbye, that's why. not because i'm crazy.

but i'm still thinking of you. yeah, you. are you reading this?

i drank a considerable amount of tequila last night. it's true i'm not drinking very much anymore. buuuuuuuutt... i can't help it, i love alcohol.

it actually was a grand night. turned on the music, played with spanky, twirled around the living room, ate a quesadilla from taco bell. it was a complete blast. no sadness~~~almost like it blew the sadness out of the water. woke up. felt great. spend the afternoon with kate.

and the laptop? "there's an excellent possibility that your registry is completely hosed," mark said. not a virus, i guess....ron is trying to fix it at this moment.

i'm wondering if kevin and/or richard are secret satellites to this page. how could they have gotten the address? one or the other is poking around my email at work. ~has been for a while. how do i know this? i'm not going to tell. but hey, hello, guys, if you're out there.

i'm happy today. full of energy. i can feel my personality slowly reassuming a better shape. all right, yes, i was insane. but are you any better, come on now, really. anyway, this is a really grand day. &ron, ron may be working miracles over there. veddy veddy goot, jason recommended the brig, let's go there and have a leetle dlinky-poo my dahlingk....

and oh yes. not to minimize my broken heart, but after two months mentally on standby, now that i feel that little kitty cat waking up and stretching, the fact of the matter is, that's going to be fun. so,

all right mona, you naughty girl, i'll tell you what. you, me, and a bottle of tequila. and i'll go for it. but you will have to get me pretty hammered. i know you're reading this, and YOU'RE RIGHT, i've been the one who's 'conflicted.' so i hereby state to you and all other satellites, i'm ready. the fog is lifting. the chingaderas are working their way out my system. trying to exist in the crossfire of his mixed signals knocked me out, but i'm recovering. mixed signals. if i ever have a show again, that's what i'll call it.

so i am waiting for you girl here in the shadows. i got your message last night. i'll wait for you to find this one.

~*~

8:48pm

online at home....

thinking
the crossfire, the other women, missing you, i don't miss missing you on saturday nights, but i still miss you.

i still miss you. the you at the core, i miss you.

i miss you.

i just do.

9:41pm

well, maybe i'm not an alcoholic. drinking was fun last night; tonight, i had a shot of that tequila and was just kind of....bored. that hazy feeling is kind of nice, but it's not....people.

on the one hand i love him for not calling me back. don't call me. don't contact me. let me get over you, like you said you would; let me ...

WHY....

why

why?
your show was like magic to the ears, everyone loves you, because you admit your weaknesses, why then do you cause women so much pain? haven't you ever, haven't you ever asked yourself that? don't you believe we're real? that we never hurt you?

why do you hate me...why do you hate me like
this
why.

there was a guy once long ago that i thought i'd never get over. vince. 1988. it seemed our bloodstreams were connected.

maybe one day this will seem like that, but, vince was pretty short lived. a few months.

sometimes, when i wake at night, i roll over and think, if you were there. dreaming beside me. once in a while while we were lying down together there would be a quiet moment, because most of the time we were laughing, and you would reach over and hold my hand.

and i would think, this is not about sex, this is about love, and i would think, when i woke up alone at night, of you. thinking that if you were there on the other side
of the bed i would lean over, kiss you briefly on the back of your neck, and you would shift in your sleep, hug me, then drift back over to your side, and the night would close again over our minds.

you're gone&all i can think is, i'm sorry dear heart that you somehow didn't find ...or did but hated....or i don't know, i can't know your heart.

only know mine &that it loved, loves you still, 627 days to go, the bloody thread will stretch thin, dry out, no more blood, no more life, nothing pulsing between us, no connection. &i'll love again and deeply, i'm too alive not to, but this was no shallow thing, ...i want to say your name...i won't here...your name is so dear, though, i just want to write it. i won't.
i won't
627 days
627 days.
counting, counting, the days ....how on earth did i come to feel this deeply for someone who....? i don't know, it just is.

11:38pm

damn it....

reading blogger journals again. very boring. one, though, had a title i liked: it was called, "screw all of you, i'm going home." another one that i saw last week was called "i hate married people." the latter was actually the best i've seen.

the most interesting people are NOT SITTING AT HOME TYPING IN A FUCKING JOURNAL COMPUTER AT 11PM ON A SATURDAY NIGHT.

yeah, i miss you, whatever, fuck off. you're out with ....her. or...someone who's not me. this is boring. sitting alone is boring. this isn't a relationship...this isn't love.....we performed the rituals but there was no LIFE LIVED TOGETHER! i've been in a dream world. i drank too much, i exercised the same old rituals of heartbreak and mooned all the time about missing you.

but that's not a relationship...i don't get what happened with you....until you, i had real actual boyfriends that i did the mr. and mrs. routine with. not the 'having an affair' routine with.

is it possible to have an affair with someone who's not married?

fuck it, i don't even care. you're NOT HERE.

see how the mood swings.....

you did a show once about putting the radio underneath your shirt and talking softly to it. as if it were your lover

here i am in bed with my computer. there are people out there, these words WILL be read...but for right now i'm ALONE IN BED! under this patchwork quilt. i can hear the neighbors through the thin walls. they're not sleeping well. once in a while there's a thump. and i'll hear her say something. they didn't have sex tonight. they're down for the night. they cooked something.i ordered chinese.

whatever i do next saturday night, i'm getting OUT of this fucking apartment. this sucks.

and this entry is boring as hell. who wants to read this dreck? not me.

okay, here we go. i'm getting under the covers,
moving the computer down here with me, nestling it against my chest.....pulling the covers up over...there.....my arms around it....now i'm whispering softly to it...'goodnight, honey....don't let the bedbugs bite....' oh, bite my ass. why aren't you here? are you nibbling on her ear? nibble her ear, bite my ass. talk about crossfire of violently conflicted emotions. i'd like to kill you. i'd like to kiss you. i mean, what the fuck is it that happened between us? it's like a pottymouthed dragon turning and devouring itself by the tail.

yum, yum, god this tastes good. feeling a little pain, but tastes so good, i can't stop. now feeling lots of pain, shit, still can't stop. and then... all of a sudden, my god, if i don't stop, there will be nothing left of either of us.

well, all i know is this, it's boring as hell snuggling up to this computer here on a saturday night. i mean....wow. wow, this is really, really boring.

c'mere little toshiba let's get some rest.zzzzzzzzzzzzzz