Reading this all that time without my knowledge wasn't kind. It was the opposite of kind. He should never have shared this with you.

Thankfully I met someone who never would have.

.

.

.

.

.

638 days to go.

top entry most recent, bottom is oldest

~*~

day62,tues.oct.9,2001

'we are the world, we are the children. it's true we'll make a better day, just you and me.'
---jackson/ritchie

'we are highly motivated, highly dedicated
high speed cakes in the hole.'
--cupcakes

i'm still a snot-saturated sponge. sponge bob square pants with a death rattle.

thoughts continuing to evolve about afghanistan, but no time for it right now.

*hack*hack*hack*

~*~

~*~

2:10pm

'we have thousands of young people who look forward to death, like americans look forward to life.' --al quaeda spokesman

this is really chilling....and why i am wondering have leaders of muslim countries not taken a position publicly that it is not a holy war, not a war for islam? their silence troubles me. .....all this talk about how we've fucked with islam over the years, but no mention of our meddling in bosnia on behalf of muslims; yes we've taken sides throughout history, yes we've propped up guys who were not so nice, but is it that simple? did we 'create' bin laden? did we 'create' hitler? what about if we hadn't gotten involved in conflicts over time........? would the world be a better place? i need more information.

this is not simple by any means&every time bush opens his mouth i wince.

on 'the' other subject

why i did this i don't know. somewhere in my mind is a hope or wish that he could see my side of things. how very hurtful are the things he's done--and 'crazymaking---' so i sent him a few emails;
he said he would not respond to further communications from me, and true to his word he hasn't;
it's just as well. on the one hand, _ i_ would not want to be analyzed or told how exactly i am a shithead.
on the other hand, i'm pretty much at the end of the rope. i think until all of this went down, this recent business with this latest woman, i really loved him with a kind of pure &forgiving hope and optimism despite everything---and 'everything' was a lot, so much.

but at this point it's really beginning to set in that he either doesn't see or care about how this relationship has been slowly eroding with each new woman, each new fudging or qualification of the truth. there is so little left that feels sweet to me, about him.

and i also used to really believe that he's just searching for someone older. now i think that no matter how old or how 'qualified' a woman is to be his partner, he won't be able to be monogamous anyway---emotionally and eventually even physically--and he'll ruin it no matter what. i've had the hope that if he wants to, he can have a warm, supportive bond with one woman that lasts. but nothing i have seen in my years of knowing him gives me any reason to believe that he can really do it.

even if he said and genuinely thought he wanted a committed, monogamous partnership with me, i don't think he could pull it off anyway. and more than anything i need monogamy.

i've had these thoughts many times before. but now they are really beginning to sink in. it makes me sad. i really had had hope that he was not like this, but the extent to which he really doesn't understand is chilling. it almost makes me think he's crazy. in the past i have told him, 'you don't understand that i'm real.' and then, wondered, to what extent to i believe he is real, and not just the embodiment, the symbol, of my unconscious conflicts?

but even i can understand how repeated advances and retreats can kill trust between two people. emotional trust and safety. i think he really doesn't understand that. and the result is a lonely feeling like nothing i can explain. at some level i always believed he understood things, and now i don't.

~*~

ben writes:

So, I had a conversation with a woman this morning
walking from where I had returned a rental car
to where I had parked my own car on Friday, some blocks away.
In her front window was pasted a big poster,
not a hand-made poster, but apparently a mass-produced one,
the banner of an organization:
"US Out Of United Nations!"
I finished reading it just as she came out her front door with a plant,
and after she had put it down I spoke from the sidewalk:
"Excuse me--"
She looked up. "Yes?"
"I was wondering--" but before I could articulate what I was wondering,
"I'm in a rush" she said, and I said
"OK."
And back in the door she went.

That's the conversation,
my nigerian princess...

US OUT OF UNITED NATIONS

yeah! fuck the world! fuck em!

I don't get it.
Wonder what her dreams are like.

5:41 pm

blah, blah, blah.

blah, blah, blah.

soon i'll have my own laptop. then i can make these entries at home.

browsed a little; there are other journals from girls/women obsessing over a neglectful guy.... uccccckkkkkkk. it's pretty yucky after a while. lots of oh i hate him oh i love him can't stop why why why bla bla bla

pretty boring actually.

i need some action. rachel, where are you? come here and plant a little kiss on the tip of my nose. and then another little kiss on my lips. i'm blushing....
no...that's actually your lipstick, rubbed all over my cheeks.....mmmmmmmmmmm

no matter how many times the grass gets stomped in my playground, the flowers keep springing up. ride em cowboy yeeehaw.

one more thought. i wonder what i said to him during that drunken conversation....i vaguely remember talking about my mother, i remember saying to him the names of his girlfriends, i remember very little else, nothing in fact, except what i wrote down here....sheeeeeessssh. what did i say? after the bit about him seeing her saturday (or, according to his message, him saying irritatedly that maybe he'd call her up) there's just not much i remember. i'm sure i got intense and belligerent. i do remember thinking at some point that the neighbors were probably hearing me. shit.

doesn't really matter, but it's disturbing. to not remember. to know that something took place between us that obviously rattled him, that i can't really remember well. well, i do remember leaving the note; and i remember feeling horribly betrayed through the whole thing; and i'm sure that, at no point, did he say, 'god honey, i'm so sorry, you must be so fucked up at this point over all this, please let me make it up to you, i don't want to hurt you anymore.....' i think what happened was, he got pissed and prickly when i pressed him on when he saw her last and when he would see her again.

pertinent questions, when just asking general questions is useless. useless when dealing with someone who fudges the truth. or omits pertinent things. all i know with him is to ask specifics. what did you do, when did you do it. it's a better way to get a handle on where things are really at. because him coming up out of the blue and saying 'i'm not seeing anyone' ---really fucking misleading.

another thing he said to me in the hallway...unsolicited...'i love you anyway' ---him knowing how precious and hypnotic those words are to me. i love you.

i love you.

i love you BUT.

BUT cancels everything that comes before it.

it really does.

~*~

~*~

day61,mon.oct.8,2001

walked in to my apartment last night.....

looked at all of my belongings. looked at the tall whitewashed wood walls; the high white ceiling; the dark cave of the kitchen with the black-and-white tile squared floor.
looked at my bed with the white duvet, the shelves holding my beautiful books, my green velvet chair that i found at a thrift store in waco. looked at spanky in his cage, sitting with one foot tucked up into his feathers, all fluffed out the way he gets when he's relaxing. the black table with the tall black chairs, the red tulip lamp, the neatly stacked pile of quilts. all my things....things that i treasure that make me feel comfortable and peaceful, the quiet lamplight, the shadows on the ceiling. and i wondered if i would one day see this studio i call home reduced to rubble, if i might someday see the walls broken, the furniture smashed, spanky's cage trapped under a fallen section of the roof.

i'm worried.

i'm glad sweet melissa and james and the little cupcake sharon are in kentucky. i'm glad there's a man to watch over them, mark.

dreamed deeply and kind of horribly all night; kept waking up drenched in a kind of awful hot sweat. dreamed i was trying to yell for help and couldn't; finally managed to yell, and woke myself up yelling.

dreamed i had designed a beautiful house, with a huge white marble interior, lots of inner space, tall ceilings, clean angles and lines; dreamed i had picked all of the furniture and the dishes and pillows and every small thing to make it a stunning, comfortable home; it was for my dad, my stepmother, melissa, and me. but melissa and i were to sleep in these narrow beds i had designed, kind of like bunk beds, high above a hallway; something like five stories up, and then a kind of foyer below. nothing keeping one from falling off the beds. then, i realized the whole thing was located in a towering skyscraper, high up; and the whole thing was swaying, dangerously, dizzyingly, terrifyingly, back and forth, a swing so wide and so far that it felt like the building was whipping back and forth violently, travelling great distances in its sweep back and forth, about to break off if it bent too far in one of its sweeps..

and i thought: no way am i sleeping in this bed. what was i thinking when i designed this? i should never have built it this way.....harry was there, going into a room off the hallway below, and i asked him to go up and tell me what he thought, was it too dangerous to sleep up there---his verdict was, 'you've got to be kidding.'

~*~

~*~

thanks for your responses to my site. here are some: (names removed)

'when i see you at the station, i almost pass out. '

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA - if he really felt THAT strongly, AGE would NOT be an issue.....

here's another...

okay...on your site you asked for replies to your posts. Here's what I know to be true. There are soooooo many similarities between the two men that we speak of . I can tell you what took years of understanding and distance to finally realize. My ex lies about "not seeing" people as well. Has the whole time I;ve known him. He was even in a comitted 7 month affair with a women he thought he was going to marry and didn't mention her or when I did, minimalized it and "didn't want to talk about her". This is the mindset of a narcissist. ON the compassionate tip....this is a person , so missing a sense of self or self love that women are like a lifeblood of acceptance and approval. ONly certain women of course. If you are one of them, they will never want to turn away a possible chance to get that approval and love from you. They will not tell the truth , they will flirt and make sexual innuendos, they will praise, anything to get attention and fill the hole inside themselves. Most importantly, they will not realize that they are doing it. It is unconscious. It is all that matters to them. they are myopic in their pursuit of this attention. Unfortunately. It has little to do with you. This is why they seem socio pathic. They are not, in any way thinking of how their behavior will affect anyone. that is not their business. They have a need to be filled and that is all that is on their mind. I have found that, even years after stunningly obvious selfish cruel acts, my narcissistic friend still does not realize the extent of harm that his behavior caused other people. He can admit and see that his behavior was wrong, but is too self involved to feel into and understand the pain that he caused. It is an illness. I don't know if it can be rectified. It really is a tragedy for them. and after awhile, you know that it is going to ruin every relationship that they have. My ex says that he's over needing attention from other women. I'm not convinced. I wish him luck. I don't want to be the one waiting to find out if it's true or not. and. It makes me kinda sick. the funny thing is that these guys are not "lookers". which is what makes it so funny, and which is why it probably is happening. They are living out there adolescence now. They have recognition so they can get the attention of women who would pass them up at first glance at a party. I hope that this is of some help . really . once you TRULY UNDERSTAND this. You will stop expecting him to be different and to start thinking of your feelings. People who have his affliction are not to be trusted. Plain and simple. You can't expect other people to be like us. It's a really hard lesson to get. Makes you feel naive when you realize how much you want to believe in the goodness of a person's heart. I truly think that these guys love us as much as they are capable of. I have found... that is not going to be enough to satisfy me. I know that there are men out there that have more accomplished hearts. At a certain point, you have to take responsibily for NOT WANTING TO SEE that he has this problem. You can't change him. YOu can't control how much someone is going to love you. they are like people in wheelchairs and we are angry that they won't run beside us. after awhile, we ARE the crazy ones, spitting anger and vitriole at this illusion of a person that we made up in our heads. Check out THE FANTASY BOND". The book will kick your ass.

and more....from the same girlfriend....

Yeah, you did seem irrational. Crazy makers will bring that out in a person. The only time I slammed a phone down on anyone was my "pal". He can't get to me like that anymore. amazing what happens when you don't let them put their parts in you anymore. getting angry , or even with these guys doesn't work. They are not aware that they did anything wrong so you just come off as a crazy woman which makes them feel righteous in their "conflict" of whether you were ever really right for them in the first place and further reinforces their behavior of non comittment. You can't win, girlfriend. there is no pony in the box.

~*~

rebecca writes:

Heather and Dayna were seen yesterday still in an Afghani/Taliban prison but appeared to be doing okay (or as okay as one can be in prison). Their trial is supposed to be continued tomorrow. Please pray for them at all times--but especially on Afghani time--10.5 hours ahead of America's central time.

~*~

so dr.s without borders has condemned our airdrops of food and 'humanitarian aid' as 'propoganda designed to influence international opinion.' well, no shit. 37 thousand rations? what a JOKE.

i am embarassed for my country. 'no medical supplies were dropped' --n.p.r.
DROP MORE

this is a travesty

now on another point

yes the us is a big freakin superpower and yes we have interfered around the globe sometimes disastrously. but did we deserve this?

john said, 'does a scantily clad woman walking down the street in downtown la at night deserve to be raped?'

no we did fucking not, and these people have been planning this shit for YEARS. they have been making a number of other unsuccessful attempts that aren't getting a whole freakin lot of coverage. the algerians on trial in n.y. before this all happened were describing in detail the training camps and the 'jihad' against the us.

yes our country has done wrong big time. hiroshima. the indians. vietnam.
yes. yes. yes.

but do you want fuckers like these to have the kind of power we do? what's the world going to be like if they're running things?

not that they are going to. that may not even be a reasonable question at this point. yes we've done major wrong.....did you notice how the senate made great haste to confirm john negroponte as ambassador to the un while the sept. 11th uproar was going on? .....i'm drifting off the point. the point is yes we're guilty of atrocities. the point is are the noses of these people any cleaner? and the point is will they do this stuff again if we don't do something?

fuck yes.

so do i want to bomb?

no. but then what do we do?

i hear a lot of naysaying and peaceprotesting and it's the hip thing to do. fine.

but give me some answers, please, on what YOU would do. i mean, it's not like we're dropping bombs on a regime that's nice. these people are really fucked.

i mean, you're running the country. you're in charge of the huge, unwieldy world power that is the us.. someone's dropping bombs on your people and bringing your buildings down. what do you do?

~*~

still have a frog in throat &great swishing&bubbling floods of snot snargling around in my chest. i cough and it roars up in a great gooey wave, surging toward my trachea, then falls back to drip slowly
back
in long sticky
streams
to pool
again in tiny pockets
in millions
of alvioli.
ray brought me four cough drops. that was thoughtful.

mike always has candy, medicine, gum, cookies at his desk.

all hail sweet nurturing men.

~*~

~*~

more day60,sun.oct.7,2001(cont.from previous page)

so, to be fair (if it's possible---i'm really trying---but the fact remains i am NOT OBJECTIVE), i was very hammered. i honestly don't remember most of the conversation. add alcohol to the deep distress and fury i've felt at the fact of his intimacy with another woman---for the third time since i've been in love with him---and god knows what i may have unleashed. god knows what came out of my mouth. i just simply don't remember.

so, i don't know if i was really injurious and hateful, or if so, how hateful i was. maybe i really hurt him; maybe i took cheap shots; maybe i taunted him, maybe i was sarcastic, mean, unfair, belittling. i don't remember.

but, like i said. which came first?

the result is, the tenderness i felt at seeing him is gone. he has moved me deeply in the past. but ultimately, i think he really doesn't realize .....could it be that he really doesn't realize how it might feel to be here, on the other side of what's going on? because he really seems not to.

in any case, there is no tenderness left. there is just a knowledge that the hope he feeds is false, there is no way to really determine what is true or not, with him; there is no trust. i have no basis to believe that he would ever be an honest, faithful lover to me: none at all.

another thing he said to me, on the message: 'you immediately draw this ridiculous conclusion --when i said maybe i'll see her(saturday) that i had lied to you before. you never thought about any other possibilities. you never do.'

wrong.

for four years i've wishfully considered all possibilities, hoped for the best, and been proved a fool repeatedly. when he was dating the actress, i repeatedly considered the possibility that he really meant to break up with her; he repeatedly went back to her. ---eventually he did leave her; not before many postmortems and resurrections; and talk of resurrections between the two of them; and hopeful emails; and conversations, and so on. many of which took place during a time when he was seeing me semi-regularly. (which i'm sure he didn't tell her: if she asked whether he was seeing anyone, he most likely would have said 'no,' since he was not officially seeing me.)---still, she must have sensed she was being toyed with; that his gestures in her direction were only gestures. (like so many of his gestures toward me.)

in the end, in a drunken rampage of her own, she drove to his house in the middle of the night, and when he refused to let her in, threw eighteen rocks through his plate-glass window.

so, i'd say, i've taken repeated leaps of faith, back in his direction. and,

repeatedly, found myself leaping into his arms, to be kissed joyously and with tender, sincere, generous welcoming passion. ---and then, thrown forcefully over a steep cliff.

he also said, 'knowing that people who know who you are, and who i am, i'm in fear of what you're going to write in your online journal.'

well, you should be. you are so busted.

no use talking to him. he also said he's not going to read it anymore. he's also not going to return any of my phone calls, messages, etc. (as if i've been harassing him without provocation.)

you know what else? yes, lots of people know about us, and have read your column, in which you air a lot of raw personal details about your life. --and, in which you talk about what's really important to you in your love life. and so, just about everyone who knows about us also knows: i'm the secret mistress that waits for you while you express tenderness in print for another woman; i'm the little secret mistress who waited for you time and again, that you won't be seen in public with.

i'm the one who was never important enough to even mention, in your numerous revelations about your intimate life and feelings. (correction: there was one mention of me, once, as a woman with whom you had had 'the greatest sex in my entire checkered history, with multiple orgasms, cries, and even tears.' ...exact quote. no mention of the word 'love' which is mentioned numerous times in association with the actress, in the same column. --- glad the cries and tears were so meaningful in terms of contributing to your great sex experience.)

i'm the one who's been made a fool of again and again: in front of everyone who knows about us, which includes most people at the university. and i'm sure they all must think: why doesn't she get wise? how can she be such an idiot, when he's even revealing, in his column, his deep feelings for someone else?

if anyone's got anything to be embarassed about, it's me. if anyone should be humiliated, it's me. i mean, i must look like the biggest knucklehead to these people. and i'm sure most of them god forbid pity me-----YUCK.

so, he's gone. because, he said, again, he's done reading this. it's just you (who? i know who are the few, but .....who else? whoever's found it however, secret satellites and friends all......)and me.

and bombs falling on the other side of the world.

it's bright and sunny here in southern california.

~*~

6:08 pm

if i said
i've stopped loving him
i'd be lying
if i said what's happening in the world
didn't make me want to curl up next to him tonight
and treasure every second
if i said i didn't wish for peace

if i said i didn't miss him.

haven't missed him all this time.
haven't wished he didn't.
haven't wished he wouldn't.
haven't wished he'd tell me
darling i won't leave you again.

if i said.

~*~

WHOOOOOOAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

guess what i found.

another angelfire journal of obsession.

already i see so much of the same stuff, it's scary.

there's just this certain type of guy. and reading about someone else's encounters with this type of man: i find myself thinking: get the fuck aWAY FROM THIS P-R-I-C-K!!!!!!!

and you know what else i see, i see her saying 'i have to take some of the blame: i should have just walked away.'

BULLSHIT!

these guys know how to reel you back in.

and then he tries to make ME feel bad for reacting in total despair, frustration, and insanity!!!LORDHAVEMERCY!!!

i've been a fucking IDIOT.

no more. next time he gives me his 'vulnerable' look, i'm going to laugh out loud.

he's yanked my chain for four years. yank, yank yank. and i BUY IT EVERY TIME!!!

reading this girl's journal i think, oh god, he's FULL OF SHIT!!! HE'S USING YOU! --something every single one of my guy friends say about 'him.'....every.....

......single........

.....one.

bar none.

wanna peek at the abovementioned journal? the url is: www.angelfire.com/ms2/obsession

i mean, i want to tell her, walk away and don't even look back, don't even give a fuck what he thinks, because HE DOES NOT CARE that he is BREAKING YOUR HEART. so maybe he says he is?

actions speak louder.

get away, get away, RUN DON'T WALK away from this s.o.b. NOW. and LIVE YOUR LIFE.

here's an example of how much this guy cares about her.

April 20 2000

I KNEW IT!!!

In past entries I had stated that I had a feeling something would happen or that something was going on and my suspicions were finally confirmed last night. Nothing major actualy happened, it was more of what "he" said that has me reeling! My close friend mentioned that I was ill at work or something and I guess upon hearing my name he figured it was an open invitation to talk about me. According to my friend he began discussing amoingst his friends (with her present though) how much he wants to have sex with me. I would rather not repeat the exact line because it is rather vulgar, but he went on expressing his desire for several minutes. He then proceeded to say "Are you guys telling me you wouldn't fuck her?" which everyone found weird. I swear he acts as though he has never had sex with me before. I don't really know how to react to this new incident except to laugh and feel a little smug. Isn't it always exciting when the man you care about more then any other just wants to have a lot of sex with you?

---isn't that sweet. 'are you guys telling me you wouldn't fuck her?' ----i couldn't help but think of HIS show in which he describes me as 'the best sex he's ever had in my checkered history, with multiple orgasms, cries and even tears.'

the literate man's version of ....oh, fuck it. you know what's so sad....is how respected this man is, and rightly so. he's one of my favorite writers.

a poetic master. and yes, a very literate, educated man.

and i'm the best sex he ever had.

oh yes---of course he told me that it was 'much more than sex.' 'spiritual.'

but i know what he said in the column. and,
i even heard how he described our relationship to a friend, in a phone call. as:

'she knew it was going nowhere, because i told her. she would come to my house, and make love to me, and she knew that i had no intention of having any kind of future with her.'

well, there really isn't anything to say tonight, after all of this, is there?

i will never believe him again.

he tells the side of the truth that serves him best at the moment; and the whole of the truth is an ever-changing

ever-rotating

complex

in-the-process-of-forming

prismic

crystal.

and he will never beam that love upon one woman for very long.

he's left every woman who's ever loved him.

i don't want to judge him on his past. but he's got a LOT of past. lots more than i do. twice as much as i do.

and a lot less future.

and he doesn't love me enough to say 'i want no woman but you' anyway.

i've treasured the moments when he's said 'i love you.' and i believe they were true.

but the prism is ever-turning, ever changing. and the beam of his love won't stay still. one, then another, then another. truths and intentions shifting infintely, like the play of light falling through the seasons, one season melting into another, pure blessed light,

turning, turning, from one love to another;
haunting and lovely to any woman it falls upon,
you are a wonder in your own way,
and we are more beautiful in the moment this pure light shines on us.
shining in our eyes, in the strands of our hair, through our minds.

but always, the light falls away. you turn away.

and we are in the dark again, alone.