611 days to go

top entry most recent

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tuesday, november 6, 2001

"every day, every night,
in that old, familiar light"
-hovington/holliday

rachel.

had a dream about her
last night.

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underneath everything there
are moments when i think i could
start crying and never stop. but i don't think i could
cry, though, even if i wanted to.

...

okay, i'm no big fan
of governor davis, but he took
SO much shit from Everyone,
from the white house on down,
for making public the bridge threat
which it now turns out was pretty
much public anyway. the
san jose mercury news today says
the FBI mistakenly sent a notice to
hundreds----hundreds! of businesses,
who then told their employees.
(who you know then told their friends,
who told their friends,
and so on, and so on, and so on.)
but let's all jump on the governor.

people are such assholes.

never thought i would like
news. wanted to do
the music end of things
so badly. and then...
i mean, i just could
give a fuck about who
produced what and what
guitarist went from what
band and all that esoteric
knowledge that the music djs
have---not to mention the
on-the-scene hip personality
stuff that this city thrives
on---i had envisioned a
more visceral, emotional
fluid flowing program
and i now realize that
that just wasn't in the
cards.

but the daily events
are fascinating. for what
they reveal about human beings
as groups, individuals...
i'm really glad i was pushed
in this direction, kicking
and screaming against my will.

i never would have chosen it.

i wonder if he were forced to
let me sleep next to him for
a month, if he would
LIKE it.

don't go there, don't
go there don't go there.

he will never be monogamous
anyway.

he thinks monogamy is purely
having to do with sex. but
it's emotional too.

people have those deep
intense emotional affairs
without any sexual component at all
and they think they're not
cheating on their primary partner...
god, i've seen it so many
freaking times.

why so obsessed with
fidelity. with betrayal. i know why.

the echoes of fate
and decades-old failures
moving me with
unseen force

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mom.

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tiny beautiful fashion-plate
mother with wide-spaced large
green eyes.
size four and a half shoe.
chestnut hair she sometimes
rinsed red.
a hole in her heart.

they tried to adopt
for years& met numerous
roadblocks. she was warned
having children could be
fatal.

finally she rebelled
and bore two daughters
--melissa and myself.

weaker and weaker over
the years. dark circles
under her eyes, in the
super-eight films.

dad drinking, partying,
throwing backyard swimming-pool
bashes at the big house. a
millionaire in a small town,
when a million was a lot
of money.

mom liked to read. she was quiet,
intellectually curious, straight-laced
and disciplined to his exuberant compulsiveness.
he worked, politicked, drank, cultivated
a social life (so-called friends who mostly
disappeared when his success evaporated)...

she was outside of his
world. he said, 'i always
thought i could teach her
how to live, you know,
how to have fun.'

he took his secretary as
mistress and kept her for
years. it was not
a secret.

so the years passed;
melissa and i began
to grow up; mom got weaker,
mentally and physically.
when she began to black out
frequently, she prepared
for surgery at the urging of
her doctorswho opened
her rib cage to the air

and that
was
the
end.

i knew she
was fighting
what appeared to
be a losing battle
for my father's love
and for her life

and if i could bring
her back.

if i could.

she trusted her heart
in his hands, they
took her heart
in theirs
& tried to close
the hole through
which her life
was disappearing.

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in the stillness,
in the grey light,
in the quiet between the
small sounds of night,

i am always and ever for you,
my dear one, deep in my body
where secrets keep.

age marches on.
i send you words from my
most distant lands. passing between death and light
awakeness edges into my flung arms,
you're not here. you're not here.

and the sounds of night,
footsteps on the ceiling,
churn in my rib cage
waiting for another dream.

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(cb/copyright 1994)

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______________________

612 days to go.

top entry most recent.

....

monday, november 5, 2001

5:25 am

ever get the "yuck" for
someone?
as in, suddenly that person
just annoys the fuck out of
you, maybe for no reason
at all? ..and it can even
happen to someone you
really like? but
all of a sudden that
person seems....
just so unattractive
as a human being.

for various reasons this
happens....i get the "yuck"
for someone.
even with those i love
dearly---i think--"i do not
want to take this phone call"
or,
"he is a fucking psycho
loser."
and i can tell when
someone gets the yuck for me.

two more days of this
schedule and then
back to normal.

hardly any sleep
fucking miserable this
morning. just
put me out of my misery.

last entry a little too, er,
personal?

written a little too
much like a one-way ticket
to snatchville, my hometown?

well, hang on, kids, it's only
going to get worse.

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i hope.

.....

that happy pill still hasn't
kicked in, dammit. next time,
i'm telling him he better
give me a whole one.

...

2:45pm

from today's column.

DEAR ABBY.

i have a very dear
friend, "lois," who lives
600 miles from me. i visit
her once or twice a year.
she tries to make me feel
welcome and comfortable.
however, there's one
big problem: her saint bernard,
"BUD."

when we sit down to eat, Bud
stares at me
face-to-face. his doggy
breath wafts over my
plate. he steals my food
if i don't watch him
closely. lois scolds him,
but bud ignores her.
then she looks at me
with an "i'm sorry"
expression and does nothing.

i think it is very rude
to allow a dog to act
this way. lois could put
bud in another room
or on the screened-in
porch while we're eating,
but she doesn't.
this has made me so
uncomfortable that i don't
think i can bear another
visit.

abby, will you please
print your opinion. maybe
lois will read it in the
paper and recognize
herself. thank you.

--doggone disgusted in
alabama

DEAR DISGUSTED:

i don't blame you
for being disgusted. dogs
are pack animals--and
bud is clearly "top dog" in
lois' household. your
friend should have asserted
her dominance and exercised
some discipline with
her dog long ago.

you would be doing lois
a favor to level with her.
and in the future, you'd
be doing yourself a favor
to stay in a hotel
and arrange to have
your meals away from the
house until she teaches
her pet some manners.

i wonder what abby would
have said to my problems
with my ex's dog.

first of all, the dog
liked to watch. ...that is, watch me
eat, uh...dinner, ...among
other things. ahem. yes.

basically, she (meels)
was top dog in his
household. now i understand
the whole pack thing...
he would not discipline
her.

and as a result,
this perfectly sweet dog
was anxious, overwrought,
and driving the neighbors
into a frenzy with her
feverish, aimless barking.
she snapped at children
who tried to pet her,
lunged at people passing on
the sidewalk...
and, of course,was always
sticking her nose
in places it didn't
belong....her hungry,
interested,
quivering, sniffing, wet
little black nose.... i mean, think about it...
you're in the throes of
of passion, and suddenly
you feel a cold, wet
doggie-nose nudging your
toe. or your butt.

okay, i'm sorry. i'll
shut up. and i won't
EVEN go into the business
about the way this dog
masturbated all the time,
and the way she SMELLED
afterward. and the
way he would giggle
as if it all was very charming,
and say, 'she's a chip off
the old block!!!!!!' GGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

why am i thinking about
this? because....
in the world of mid-thirties
singledom...lots of
lonely single guys have
DOGS....and it makes
me
paranoid.

i know. i know.
i'm getting waaaaaaay
ahead of myself....but
after the nightmares with
steve's dog (and that's
not even mentioning the
fact that we could go
NOWHERE without the dog--
he rejected a plan to go
river-rafting because 'the
dog couldn't go')......

okay, shut up. god,
send me a great guy,
but if the god damned dog
is on the bed
..leaning
forward and sniffing curiously
and if
i say, 'couldn't you put
her in the other room?'
and he replies 'she likes
to watch' as if it's funny.. it's goodbye THAT NIGHT
and not four years
later when the dysfunction
has spiralled into all
kinds of ugly, unimaginable
places......

i'm just looking for
things to complain about
today, i think. i can't
get straight with my
sleeping hours,
i'm pissy and frustrated
and mentally itching
AND I'VE GOT THE SONG
"DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY"
STUCK IN MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

john just walked in and
said, 'did something happen
in new york? what is everyone
so upset about?'

i love blogger

love blogger

love it love it love it!!!!

posted by firewall at 5:05 PM comment

....he's so cute.
posted by firewall at 5:06 PM comment

i am hot for him.
posted by firewall at 5:08 PM comment

he has no idea i'm sitting
here writing that i am
hot for him
he has two german
shepherds
oh god
posted by firewall at 5:10 PM comment

are you reading this?
you assholes!
posted by firewall at 5:11 PM comment

how can you see this?
oh thank god.
they didn't see it.
didn't think they could.
shit. i would be so busted.
DAMN, that would have been
a good joke on me, though,
eh?
i
want
to
nibble
your
ear
YO!
david and ray
are HOT HOT HOT
go for it boys
posted by firewall at 5:14 PM comment

damn. what happened to that post?
it disappeared into the ether.
thank god they couldn't see this
screen. they were giggling
about something else.
hey YO! RAY AND DAVE
ARE HOT HOT HOT.
hey! yahhhh!!!

(thought they could see the computer
screen i was typing on, because they
were smirking and gesturing
when i wrote the above entries.
as if they were responding.
OINK VAY!)

blogging at work,
blogging at work,
bad,
bad,
bad.

______________________

613 days to go.

"i said brother, can you
tell me what is right
and what is wrong? he said,
keep on rocking, baby,
'til the night is gone."
--abba

...

top entry most recent.

sunday, november 4, 2001

12:50 pm

::waking life::

astoundingly beautiful,
...endless boring jibba jabba
about the meaning of life.
-- a huge tragedy b/c
its gorgeousness is breathtaking

after the movie,
out on the sidewalk, the real
world looked different, like the floating
moving/melting dream colors of the movie.

...

he said, 'walk with me to my car,
i've got something for you.'
i assumed it was a cassette, or
something;

he handed me half a pill.

when i asked, 'what is it?' he said,

'a happy pill.'

a happy pill!

i asked if it would give me a hangover,
or make it unsafe for me to drive. he answered
no to both. i asked again what it was. he
just grinned and said, again, 'a happy pill.'

so

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i

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took

it.

that was yesterday&
i'm still waiting to become happy.

The elusive female orgasm. " If a woman climaxes during orgasm,
she retains 50%-90% of all sperm.
If she does not, she only retains
0%-50%. The rest is
ejected after a few hours; hence the
wet spot phenomenon. When a
woman climaxes (and for
several minutes after), her cervix also
expands, opening a freeway for
sperm between her own disease barriers
and any blocker sperm
that might be hanging around.
Moreover, orgasm during
intercourse sucks semen into
the womb (as opposed to them having
to fight their way in) and expels old
semen from the cervical storage area.

Say Jill is having sex with
Bill a day or so after she had
sex with Phil. Her body decides
that Bill is a better genetic candidate, and so she climaxes,
sucking Bill's sperm right past Phil's blockers.
Moreover, her system evicts Phil's sperm from her
cervical crypts.

Moreover, Jill's body can stack
the cards against Phil in
another way. On her
date with Phil, she insists that he
give her an orgasm before
they have sex. After she orgasms,
her body pushes all the old semen,
lubricant, white blood cells
and other stuff in her system down,
where it forms a barrier.
When poor Phil finally ejaculates, his sperm
meet a roadblock that can last for several days.

But Bill and Phil have unique
weapons in their war against each
other: their penises. Ever wondered
why penises are shaped the
way they are, with the little head
on the top? What's
that little head for, anyway?

The head is a sperm-scraper.
As a man pulls out during
thrusting, the head
of the penis scrapes any other guy's
sperm down and
out, away from the cervix...
ensuring that when he
ejaculates, his sperm
are going to be first in line."

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6:26 pm

the perimeter within
is lined with kisses
it can't forget.

whatever his question
may have been
i can still feel an answer
inside.

pulling the night up into me
where he was
&where no one has been since.

..

..

..

this day won't ever end

_______________________________

more saturday november 3, 2001. 614 days to go.

the difference between the way things
are learned from reading/thinking and the
way they are learned from actually doing
is always surprising to me.
i have always preferred to learn by reading,
thinking, observing. the things i've
learned to do through years of practice,
i've come to realize, have been honed by
a different part of the brain. i'd be hard
pressed to explain the difference
between this type of knowledge and
the other, except that it utilizes an
entirely different kind of logic,
sense of time,
sense of what works & what is possible..
and it seems like this type of learning
is needed for ongoing
involvement with other human
beings, --from the deepest intimacy
to casual friendships
to work relationships
to place in society
to political games
or business
...all involves human skills
which are more visceral
and irrational in practice
(and even ...savage on some levels?)
than some intellectuals
seem to realize or acknowledge
when forming theories about why
something happened or is happening
...and that's not even taking into account
the insane randomness of the universe,
accidents, disorganization,
mistakes at high or low levels,
people falling asleep at the wheel,
etc.
being so thin-skinned has forced
me to channel my involvement with
the world in other ways.
leaving a whole lot that i don't
understand, with the part of my mind
that learns from practice rather
than theory.
and so i muddle through
day after day trying
to make sense of it all.
watching the power games
that take place at the station
has been an interesting learning
ground over the years.
the rise and fall of ambitions,
the evolution of people's knowledge
of each other
and shifting alliances.
the difference between what the
public perceives is going on here,
and the reality...
and even, with people like him;
the difference between how he
presents his life in his show, and
the reality;
the difference between how people
here perceive him,
and how he really is
in his heart of hearts;
even there there are radical
differences. tiny things
---subtleties so fine you would
not think they matter---but that
make so much difference as to
be able to move the world.
who would have thought that
by looking through microscopes,
diseases could be cured, the
universe better understood?

things not seen with
the naked eye

and other senses
trained out of us as children;

abilities lying dormant
in the other 90 per cent
of our brains

what are we not seeing
that matters so much
that others can maybe see....

at the very base of all my instincts

i still know he is fantastic

but also that the world is fantastic

and i am sorry they are mutually
exclusive but
i have gotten to experience both
though not at the same time, which
is sad, but still
oh
what
a wonderful
rich
life
i am having
and have had.

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