567 days left

link o the month

another city girl

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1.19.02

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go here and stare at this picture for about sixty seconds.

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11:34pm

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i just talked to him.

he is still seeing the
51 year old. he would not
say it directly, but he would
not deny it.

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he talks about our "connection."

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i don't believe him.

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i would like to believe him.

the stuff of this journal
is built upon the desire to
believe.

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he is important enough that
i sacrificed four years of sanity
so i could keep connecting with
him on his terms. i am not important
enough, to him, for him to give up
anything.

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i need someone to sleep with sometimes.
i need to feel a man's legs tangling
with mine. i need to know a man
will not look for it elsewhere.

i need to rely on someone. i need
to not be afraid of who my next
replacement in a man's arms will be.

i need this. and he will
never give it to me.

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i'm only 163 days towards understanding
that he will absolutely not give me these
things. it's a long way to go. he
doesn't understand that the more days i go
without connecting his mind to that erotic
impulse, the more i belong to myself and
not to a place of longing for him.

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he's on the opposite side of a coin.
he can't see me, and i can't see him.
we make up two opposite sides to a whole.
we're incomprehensible to each other.

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i am sad now. i feel lonelier
than before.

far lonelier.

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. h

DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SAN JOSE?

L.A. is a great big freeway. Put a hundred down and buy a car. In a week, maybe two, they'll make you a star Weeks turn into years. How quck they pass And all the stars that never were Are parking cars and pumping gas

Do you know the way to San Jose? They've got a lot of space. There'll be a place where I can stay I was born and raised in San Jose I'm going back to find some peace of mind in San Jose.

Fame and fortune is a magnet. It can pull you far away from home With a dream in your heart you're never alone. Dreams turn into dust and blow away And there you are without a friend You pack your car and ride away

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bacharach/david

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mel said craig lancaster is working
at the san jose mercury news. if i ever
go to
san jose

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pignolias. pine nuts.

i would cook things with pine nuts;

an oriental chicken with white wine sauce,
pasta with pesto and salad and;

i feel i can't write.

he apologized for the letter, but
i know he meant it, just not as harshly. he
still means it.

...and i find i don't have a comeback.
i feel like shrugging and saying,

"well, look. i'm from ohio."

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this week has been a bust. that letter
froze my brain. and hurt my heart. i saw two
foreign movies at the academy with angel.
i went to dinner with tracy, who now
knows the name of her birth mother and siblings
and s pondering what to do with the information.
we had dinner the night before she was to get the
information.

and then i sort of mentally crashed.
the "here's why i don't want you in my life" letter
...on top of everything..the actress...
the 51-year-old woman....everything...

and after all these months of silence...

it was like, "here's just one more kick
in the head, in case you haven't had enough already."

and he did apologize, and i know he
still believes everything he wrote in that letter.
and what's worse, i'm sure he's expressed this
opinion to others. christine. matt. ariana.
HIS cadre of supporters at the station.
whatever.

i just need to decompress from it, and
get back on track...then i'll be fine. and i'll
have faith again in my own opinions about things.
his attitude just brings me back to dealing with
my father. who liked to provoke
intellectual or moral/ethical debates and then
elaborately prove the foolishness of anyone
at table who countered him or showed a differing point
of view.

chilly night...cranky up the heat, spanky

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