Mr. Holtkamp Has Said Some Crazy Things This Year

We keep track of them in class...and put them up hear for your enjoyment

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September-

Week of September 17-21

Get your mind out of the gutter...so mine can float by
I don't want to pee on your rainbow or anything
I would like to not have any potty talk in my classroom
A baby does not have the ability to pop open the fridge and grab a beer and a bologna sandwich, No. They need help doing it
Old people don't die, they play bingo
Mrs. Hanley is in the room, everybody pop up like toast
Which one should I read? Either one, either one will Blow up my boat, bang my chimes, hang my glider, blow up my skirt
Willy-Nilly Choice
You can't tell me what to do, go to hell
Yeah, since you see so many mighty buffalo herds in Alaska
Some girl walked in with a balkua juice and spilled it all over the floor and it looked like a bunch of strawberry sour patch kids barfed all over the place

While comparing Hinduism to Christianity...

You know, India thinks cows are sacred, and we go ahead and make double doubles out of them
Did you ever notice that there is a whole subculture, underground language at In'n'Out
The place I like best is Tommy's, you can use your gas card to pay at Tommy's it is so greasy
They put three alarm chili on everything, it burns going in, and it burns going out...it has more gas than an Arco station
Now we both agree that we shouldn't eat grandma, we simply disagree on whether or not the cow is grandma
I was talking about something really close to Gandhi, and that is Groundhog Day

Discussing what would happen if people though murder was ok...

But there would be religious people who wouldn't want to kill people...Ok, lets just call all those people who believe in religion suckers, their gonna be the first to die
Its like, Jesus loves you-BOOM
Drink out of the milk carton and you're a dead man

Week of September 23-27

According to the unofficial X-Files companion...
You are sharp as a bowling ball
Some people don't deserve to wear Speedos...I mean some guys I see look like pears with rubber bands
Today is the 27th, despite what they said on ETV. What did they say. They said it is the 28th, which is a blatant lie. So what are you going to do? I am going to complain to the ETV producers and get his ass fired
The test is so easy I am almost embarrassed to give it. Yeah, I took it this morning and got a 95%. 95%? You are the teacher...shouldn't you get a 100%? (Pause) Oh....I get is, he's kidding
I would love to see a pic of Steve Holtkamp working at Krispy Kremes. Actually, my first name is Mr. or you can just call me Sir
It's one of my favorite things when people say, "Hey I'm not gonna eat this, Ill probably just through it away, do you want it?"
Usually I wouldn't offer, but this I am going to throw away

While discussing Bio-Ethics (cloning and stem cell research)...

Some lady had her eggs frozen, and then I guess a few years later she warmed them up like a microwave dinner
You know, septuplets for a man is unbearable. It is like passing 7 watermelons
I mean, someday you will walk into McDonalds and order: I would like mine with blue eyes, blonde hair, athletic, while maintain a high IQ, and also does modeling on the side. Oh, and while your at it why don't you super size it

October-

Week of September 30-October 4

Mr. Holtkamp, do you want a donut? Is the Pope Catholic
Why are you late? I was turning in my magazines. Sure, I bet you turned in your magazines at 7:30 this morning and you have been smoking crack behind the gym
So you're saying your not going to see homosexuals cooking their crystal meth on the stove
Some people say, ewww bean sprouts. Others say, ewwww homosexuals
So if I was gay and you killed me would everything be hunkey dory
The freshman have no spirit. Lets kill them
Oh we are just talking about a few atheists. What are you going to do? Jump them after school?
Us Christians better beat those atheists, Jesus wants us to
Allow me to let you in on an insider secret, guys, you can wear your underwear four different times. Regular, inside out, inside out regular, and inside out backwards. Not that I have, but somebody told me you can
If I say I like Chubby Hubby do I need a reason...Hell No
It's ok if you tell someone they're #1 when they cut you off on the freeway

Week of October 7th-11th

He the Pope, he the man, he the dude in the Vatican
If you're getting old, why don't you try the church in Seizure World
Life's a Bitch, then you die
I am just so impressed with you knowledge of Biblical history. You could knock me over with a feather
You guys really should read the Bible, there is all sorts of wild monkey sex going on in there
You know, its like the dolphins are cute, but the tuna...screw them. There is a whole lot of fish racism going on

Week of October 14-18

So you haven't gotten your pictures yet? Yeah, its because we don't like you
There is a whole conspiracy behind everything we do, we do everything to ruin your life

Week of October 21-25

Of all the classes I have ever taught, you are the group that most needs a heavy dose of Ritalin
At least Phil isn't wearing his Satanic eyes today
Other than playing Paper-Rock-Scissors, we are also learning about chapter 5 in here
Mother Theresa wasn't a selfish bastard
There was this girl I went out with a few time back in high school. Her dad was a former marine colonel. There was was hanky, and there was definitely no panky with her
Aren't I just the cats ass
My heart pumps peanut butter for you
Boy, I'm glad my prom date didn't stand me up, you must feel stupid
I wanted to get an A, but I got a C. I didn't want to get a C, but I still did. Yeah, you wanted to go smoke so crack with your friends instead of studying
They just don't build kids like they used to. When I was young I had to be rugged. I just don't know anymore, you are all a bunch of Pansies
Why are spouses nice to each other? Because no one wants to sleep on the couch
If I see a woman on the side of the road with a flat tire and I stop to change it. What is my reason? I want her to sleep with me of course
Mother Teresa was so selfish, she was in it for the money and the glory, she didn't give a crap about the starving children
This weekend I want to sit in my underwear, watch sports, and scratch. There's an image for ya
Ok what am I thinking right now...you like your coffee...No...you wish you were sleeping...No, you're all wrong I was thinking about Gillian Anderson
Thank god modern day cars have those safety latches on the inside of the trunk. I can't tell you how many times I have locked myself in my trunk. My god, it has to be at least 10 by now
Nice segway Mr. Holtkamp. What? Its ok if you missed the train, you can pick up the next one
IF there was a rule that explained the opposite gender how much would you be willing to pay? 5$...10$...But wait, we'll throw in a set of steak knives
Does this mean that in my marriage I should only care about my lovely sweet baboo
"The man who continues to smoke cigarettes even after learning about the connection between smoking and cancer..." Oh, there's a connection? All this time those tobacco people were lying? Knock me over with a feather
If I go up to the sink and my wife is brushing her teeth, should I call her a selfish bastard?
Thomas, since this is about crazy people, why don't you read it
Why aren't there any elephants in the room? Because my lucky green pen keeps them away. My lucky green pen keeps all elephants away
Attention all you street punks, thugs, and hooligans
If you have complaints, don't tell me, I don't care
Just give me diploma and get me the hell outa here

November-

Week of October 28-November 1

One foot is in the grave, the other is on a banana peel
Sheryl, lets just say you pull into the JR lot and I beat your ass with brass knuckles
Do I want to do it hodgepodge, willy nilly? Hell No

Week of November 4-8

What is Victoria's Secret? That she likes to dress like a slut
Fortunately, you are in the Mr. H school of cool
Nice job sucking up, you're like Hoover
Wouldn't it be endangering to other peoples lives if you threw a dog into oncoming traffic? Assault with a deadly animal
Can I call you Mr. Holsheezy? Call me whatever you want, just don't call me late for dinner

Week of November 11-15

If someone is about to slit my wife's neck with his switchblade while she's reading a book and i shot him 2 times in the head with my snubnose glock 45 would it make me a killer?
Hey super freak, can you turn around
What good does an SUV do? More Room. Yeah, more room for all your friends and beer
Riding roller coasters makes some people happy. It makes other do the Technicolor yawn
I am going to go out on a limb and say it is never recommended to eat a human. I know if I said it was ok, you would all be out in the lunch shelter killing freshman

Week of November 18-22

Is it morally acceptable to throw eggs at a moving car? I don't think subjectivism, egoism, Kantianism, utilitarianism, or any way to make moral decisions would say it is acceptable to throw eggs at cars
So, a few of my buddies at the seminary had this water balloon launcher. So one night we go to test it out. We went in these orange fields by the seminary and launched at people coming out of the chapel. We would rain down upon them and they would look up and didn't know what was hitting them. So then we went mobile. I dunno if you have ever seen a water balloons when it hits sub-sonic speeds...it stretches out. So, we hit a window with one going that speed and put a nice little hole in it. So, the guys in the gym we launched at came out looking for us. So what did we do, we ran. We doubled up behind them and were like, yeah lets get those guys.
And that haircut, I hope you got a bowl of soup with that

Week of November 25-29

Well since it is almost thanksgiving I though we should have some deep moral philosophical discussion. So here is a little video clip to get the ball rolling. "...The Simpsons"
Well that class was shot to Hell
Mr. Holtkamp, I was walking to my locker and somebody was in theirs. Oh my God, its catching on like wildfire
Since I like the Movie Memento, read the next paragraph backwards
Dietrich, Duffy, and Gunner. Keep those names in mind when you have children

December-

Week of December 2-6

Did you get this dealy wopper
You know, I am about to talk about something more important than life, and what happens. Mike Davis walk by the window and does something near pornographic
My cat's intrinsic pleasure is to scratch the bajesus out of me
I once made a flourless chocolate cake for my family. They told me it was orgasmic
Yeah, you're a heavy smoker, yeah. you just can't wait for the bell to ring so you can go burn one behind the school.
Hi, I went to Harvard medical school. OH GREAT! I cheated. OH NO!
Are you sleeping or are you napping? No, I am just checking my eyelids for holes
Yeah, those darn tomato soup cans. I am always tripping over those. My wife lays them around like land mines

Week of December 9-13

Couldn't you lie to the murdered, or fight back? Why not just throw soup cans in front of him, and let him trip over them
So I'm at the local stop'n'rob and I want to steal a pack of smokes to satisfy my nicotine rush cause I got no dough, I'm broke, I don't get paid until Friday
Get a flowerless chocolate cake. Is it gross. Oh no no no. Oh contraire, its delightfully decadent, almost sinful. Its everything bad for you wrapped up in one tasty treat
Yeah I do it because the girl is beautiful, or as you like to call her "hot." (licks finger and touches ass) SSssssss

Week of December 16-20

Are you sleeping? Are you napping? No I am just checking my eyelids for holes
Yeah I don't know why I just said that, must have been the drugs
You grew up in a crack house with your whore mother

SEMESTER BREAK

Week of January 27-31

I hope you all had a nice semester break. Time to not worry about school, grades, your ravidly diminishing futures
Well Shuck'a'Darn
Lets wrap this up like a package
This question was posed to a boy name Jake...JAKE THE SNAKE

Week of February 2-7

It is often said that women belong in three places: The kitchen, the bedroom, and the walk between
All those dollars your parents are spending to educate you are paying off in Spades
I heard some guy in Canada had like 100 kids with different women!? Where's he from, Canada, yeah enough said. All that is weird and wrong ends up in one of two places, Canada or Florida

February 10-14

My cat speaks to me by drawing blood. Unlike the cow in the grocery store, how does the round pound of ground speak to me
Whoever is whistling stop or I'll come over there and slit your lip with a razor

February 17-21

This handout is whistling Dixie
What was the finality of that case? Whoa, that�s getting close to the edge of my vocabulary
So lets say I�m walking down the hall and some lady sneaks up behind me and pinches my ass. Now I know it may be a shock to you, but this doesn�t happen to me all the time

February 24-28

So lets say after the game Phil goes to a party, and I know this is a stretch, but there is alcohol there. So Phil, now I know he is a good Christian man and would never do this, but lets say he has a drink or twelve�
I�ve been married now for 10 years, and I�m getting tired of it. So, I�m gonna off the Mrs.
That�s like that Garth Brooks Song. Yes, and its random day in G112

March 3-7

Hey I didn�t get a high five on the way out. Forget it, I just had a hellish experience. I had to go to the team room and there was someone sleeping there. They were just sleeping, they weren�t, BAM, having sex!?
Suffering from drain bamage like I do
There are some days when I say, would it be that bad to go to the Mobil across the street and join the line of SM students to get some smokes

March 10-14

Mr. Holtkamp, Chantals being sassy. Is she being sassy, or deliciously sassy?
Sister Mary handlebars says I�m going to hell. So I told her to screw herself
Oooo look at that staples truck, and then I steal your insulin and you die

March 17-21

I�m bad to the bone baby. oh ya, I�m nasty bad!
That test was hard, you had to read the book. Holtkamp, that sadistic bastard
I know a lot of people who have their dads secretary write their papers. Only at SM
Write this down, even God hates smart asses

mrholtkampquotes@hotmail.com

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