Oct 04
Raising boys
Oct 04
For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few a times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
** Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal, evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
PHARMACY 1 A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So..... I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.
PHARMACY 2
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks "What for?" She says "I want to kill my husband. He says "Sorry, I can't do that." She then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him. He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."
A Cute Look at the “Other” side of the coin!!
When me prayers were poorly said
Who tucked me in me widdle bed
And spanked me till me arse was red,
Me Mudder!
Who took me from me cozy cot
And put me on the ice cold pot
And made me pee when I could not,
Me Mudder!
And when the morning light would come
And in me crib me dribbled some
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum,
Me Mudder!
Who would me hair so neatly part
And hug me gently to her heart
Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart,
Me Mudder!
Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
And nearly have a king size fit
When in me Sunday pants me s*** ,
Me Mudder!
When at night her bed did squeak
Me raised me head to have a peek
Who yelled at me to go to sleep,
Me Fadder!
Thanks to Crystal for this hearty giggle
Different types of woman
HARD-DISK Woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.
RAM Woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
EXCEL Woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.
SCREENSAVER Woman:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!
INTERNET Woman:
Difficult to access.
SERVER Woman:
Always busy when you need her.
MULTIMEDIA Woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.
CD-ROM Woman:
She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL Woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS Woman:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.
Thanks Carol!!
Do you really know much about cows?
Actually they have much wisdom!
We can learn much from the cow's mind.
They know more about life than we realize.
Cow Wisdom
Wake up in a happy mooo-d.
Don't cry over spilled milk.
The grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.
When chewing your cud, remember. . .
There is no fat, no calories, no cholesterol and no taste!
Seize every opportunity and milk it for all it's worth!
It's better to be seen and not herd.
Never take any bull from anybody.
Always let them know who's bossy!
Stepping on cow pies brings good luck.
Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.
Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.
Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day!
Becky shared this with us
Tech Support for wives.
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
========================= Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very tricky program as it will often download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Black Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
Do you know why a bra is marked with the letters A,B,C,D,E,F, and G? No? well, take a a look and see Bra sizes
Sent to us by Belinda
Things I learnt from my mother!
Everything I ever needed to know, I learnt from my mother.
She taught me ENVY: “There are millions of children less fortunate than you in this world, that don’t have such a marvellous mother as yours!!”
She taught me TO BE THRIFTY: “Save your tears for when I die!!”
She taught me TO BE A VENTRILOQUIST: “Stop muttering! Shut up and answer me! Why did you do it?”
She taught me STRENGTH OF MIND AND WILLPOWER: “You’ll sit there until you have eaten it all!!”
She taught me ABOUT THE WEATHER: “It looks like a hurracan passed through your room!”
She taught me ABOUT DENTISTRY: “If you answer me like that again, you’ll be digging your teeth out of the wall!!”
She taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: “If you are going to kill each other, do it outside. I have just finished cleaning!!”
She taught me RECTITUDE: “I’ll stiffen you up with a single blow!!”
THANKS MUM!!
Ever wonder how your dishwasher really works?
Click here Dishwasher
Mind you, I´ve had a dishwasher for over 20 years, but since she was born she hasn´t worked well!
Sent in by Loretta
Here is something to brighten your day
Behind Every successful woman is herself
A woman is like a teabag
You don't know how strong she is
until you put her into hot water.
Coffee, Chocolate, MEN
Some things just get better rich
Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun
Warning:I have an attitude and I know how to use it
Of course I don't look busy
I did it right first time
Don't start with me - you will NOT win
All stressed out, and no one to ckoke
I can be one of those bad things that happen to bad people
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Don't upset me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
And last but not least.....
If you want breakfast in bed, then sleep in the kitchen!
Thanks to Becky for that!
PRETTY SMART "OLDER" WOMEN
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Senior Officer: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Senior Officer: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Senior Officer: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
Senior Officer: (Quite stunned) One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Senior Officer: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too?
Sent in by Jeanette (Australia)
KIDS!!To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children after creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have Forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No Way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making! the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
AND FINALLY: ! IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"
Sentin by Pat (Canada) Pami (NY)………….
Mummy, Can you give me five dollars?
Four dollars??!! What do you want three dollars for when two is enough??!!
Here have a dollar. Ah and give half to your brother , eh!
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!" MOTHERS FROM HISTORY
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."
POSITIVE THINKING
A Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman.
My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says....."Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says "Well......there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Thanks to Vicki for sharing this gem with us.
True Fact:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there will be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist ..... AND .......
When we have real trouble we need a HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
--- --- ---
WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS – (NOT IN WEBSTER'S)
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-statement and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 175 channels every five minutes.
Advice For Women
1. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Pat, of Niagara sent this in!!>
Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon people are going to think were nuts.
Why Women Are Cranky
We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears.
Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankiest, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.
When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs.Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10 ) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb.bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30's to early 40's while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).
Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned"buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex."? Yeah right. Bite me.
Sent in by Vicki of Canada
Some utterly bizarre and rediculous reasons why it took so long for women to get the vote
Some of the other bizarre and ridiculous reasons for women not to have the vote were that as a woman’s brain was smaller than a man’s she wouldn’t be intellectually capable of voting. Similarly, that women were so governed by their physiology (ie child-bearing, menstruation and menopause) that they were regularly temporarily unhinged throughout their life and therefore couldn’t make a reasoned judgement. Also, that the British Empire would be placed under enormous threat, because the colonies would lose respect for Britain and rebel if they allowed women to vote. Perhaps the most ridiculous, however, was the Race Suicide Argument based on the view that if women got involved in politics, they would stop getting married, stop having children and the human race would die out.
Recieved through David, of UK
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you Love the Lord bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves the Lord because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love the Lord. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Sent in by Pami, NY
CHRISTMAS HUMOUR SPECIAL
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and Female reindeer....grow antlers in the summer each year male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known. ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
