HOLA!

Welcome to *introspection*, the online journal of a random girl named Melissa. This site was born on May 23, 2003, when Melissa was suddenly struck with a severe case of boredom. Instead of sulking like she usually does when she's bored, she decided to use her empty time to build an online journal for her unending thoughts.

For some reason, I've always had some weird interest in reading about other people's lives, especially people I don't know. Thats partly how this site originated. That, and I wanted to get back into the hobby of journal keeping. Writing is my secret passion, but lately every time I go to write something down that I am feeling, I get overwhelmed and a knot emerges in my stomach, making me very frustrated. I realize that if I'm ever going to acheive my dream of being a famous writer, I've got to start accomdating it to reality. Thus, I think I'll start here. This way I can feel like I'm talking to someone instead of relaying my thoughts to a sheet of paper, where they will only be known by me. I'm not saying that I have a fascinating life and I want recognition for it; I'm just saying that it really helps my writing if I can feel like I'm speaking to others. Hopefully one day I'll get to the point where I can write something down and gain true fulfillment from it, even if it goes unnoticed by everyone else in the world.

Thats pretty much my story, but here's some background info on me. I'm 16, a sophomore in high school. I live in Kentucky. Some of you probably have some stereotypes about people from Kentucky, but I live in a city no different from any other small American city. I go to a average-sized catholic school. Don't take the word "catholic" to mean that we are all angelic and pure; in reality, drinking, drugs, and sex are completely the norm there. I get pretty sick of it though, those things aren't my style. You'll hear all about it in the upcoming journals.

Well, I won't babble any longer. My hope for right now is that there are actually people reading this. Lol, I sound pathetic. Anways, please, please give me some feedback on this site by emailing xoxoaries@aol.com. Feel free to even criticise anything I say, its all good. Or, share your own online diary by giving me the URL so I can go visit it. Adios, amigos.

May 24 2003: 10:46 pm

First journal! Whats up. Today was a good day. I got up early because I had diving at 9 until 12. I pushed myself really hard during conditioning and it just felt sooo rewarding, like I was going somewhere. I'm really going to start make diving a priority. This past couple weeks I've been really apprehensive about staying in diving because the fear of doing new dives is so intense that it wears you sometimes. Plus, I've been really disappointed with my performance in meets this past winter. Last summer, I was doing great, I improved so much that I was able to place 16th at nationals in California. It was then that I felt like I really had a rightful place among the other divers, like I actually had distinguished myself. But when winter rolled around, I lost sight of my goals and school took precedent over practice, so I wasn't as motivated to work hard. I'll never forget my feelings of dejection at winter regionals in March, that was a critical low point for me, coming face to face with my own failure. That was when I realized that I would either have to step it up in practice to preserve my dignity in meets, or just leave diving completely. I was almost considering quitting this past month, because i didn't feel like I was putting anything into it, and it was just futile for me to show up at practice but not actually work. I'm attached to the sport, mostly because I love the feeling of being on team and bonding with everyone else. As much as I don't feel like i can relate to some of the girls on my team, I think we have a cool connection with each other via our common interest in the sport.

But anyways, back to today. All of a sudden, I felt motivated and inspired to be better, to set goals for myself and run after them. I think I realized today that I do still have it in me to improve as much as I did last summer. I'm totally ready now to work my ass off, I really am. If I can just stay positive and not start my stressing routine, it will all be worth it in the end. Anxiety and fear and that negative crap just wears you down, I'm sick of it. I can't live my life like that, those things make me miserable. Some sadness and depression is inevitable and exists just so that you can truly appreciate the happy times in your life, but I can't build my life on that. Innumerable times I've been depressed and I've thought to myself "This is how my life really is." I can't do that anymore. I have too many blessings and things going for me to always feel like I'm at rock bottom. There are oppurtunities for happiness out there, and hopefully I'm starting to discover them.

Tonight I went out to eat with Chrissy and we had a really personal conversation. The best thing about Chrissy is that she always syas the things that I'm too scared to say, the things that really matter. I can show her who I really am, and we can have conversations about things that I can't imagine talking about with any other person, especially Brianne. We were talking about times we've doubted God and she mentioned the death of one of her friends and that led to me bringing up my dad's death. I was like "I feel like I didn't even know him. I wish I had him around to talk to." And after I said it a switch flipped on inside of me and tears just started creeping down my face. Chrissy started crying too, and it went on for about five minutes, as much as I couldn't understand why I was crying. I realized that somewhere inside of me, my dad's death meant a lot more than I even recognize. These days, I think about my dad more than even did directly after his death when I was 11. I think about what our relationship would be like if he were here. I've gotten so close with my mom these past few years and I've really learned to appreciate the role she plays in my life. Sometimes I wish I could have that with my dad. Its so weird though how Chrissy provoked all that pain inside of me to show itself. I thought that my dad's death was something I could talk about without feeling any sort of emotion, because I have, for these past few years. Sometimes its like it didn't even happen, the memory of it all is so distant and vague. I don't understand why, I really don't. I only know that the family I had when my dad was alive is completely different from the family I have now. When he went, a part of us just drifted off with him. There's such a deep void within me, and i'm realizing it more and more as days go by.

Well, I'm tired. I'll prolly switch on the good ol' TV and fall asleep. Sweet dreams, guys. Thanks for listening.

Melissa

May 25 2003: 8:02 pm

Whats up. Today was a lonely day. I'm not too happy right now. I know that I shouldn't be, that I don't have a good reason to be unhappy. I just don't really know what my life is about. This morning I went to church like every other Sunday, spent an hour in deep reflection, not really praying but just thinking about God's existance. Thats the only type of prayer that I really feel like I can do. Prayer is something that I have to discipline myself to do, and went I do it I don't get any fulfilment from it at all. I have to be honest with myself. Sitting there and saying "Bless blah blah blah. help me to be a better person, help me to do the right thing, Oh Lord" doesn't do anything for me. I know I'm not talking to anyone. But if I can have some introspective time to myself and really ponder my life, then sometimes I can conclude a lot about myself. I'm probably the most doubtful person in the world. I have no idea who God is, or how he intervenes in our lives. Yeah, of course I can't tell anyone else that, especially my mom. I count my blessings and I realize how lucky I am to live the way I do, devoid of poverty and hardship. But inside I'm eating up with utter doubt. What makes people happy? Tonight I was thinking about how I never go to parties or participate in the things that everyone else sees as fun. Is that where being happy comes from? Having "fun"? That song comes into my head, the one with the lyrics "I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints". Yeah I am the "saint", sometimes I see myself as a prude. But if fun means I have to compromise my morals, then I don't want to. I'm a lame ass, I totally know. I need some "fun" in my life. I need some teengage excitement. I'm sure that to other people, I'm not even really living. My life is too simple, too monotonous. Maybe everyone has the right idea that living a life composed of "fun" really is the way to go. It has to be better than this. It won't matter though. I'm too scared to know. Too many people would disapprove. I would even disapprove of myself.

Back to the God thing, I'm just so unsure of everything. I don't know what faith is. I adhere to a strict set of morals, and I really think I try to treat others the way I want to be treated, but what the hell is faith anyway? I wonder when I'm in church just how many people really have faith. I mean yeah, when hard situations and tough times come about, we all "turn" to God. But if our life is all about doing God's will, how do we do it? No one talks about God except in traditional prayers and blessings. Is belief in God supposed to be simple? And why do people say things like "everything happens for a reason" and "God has a plan for each and every one of us". I don't see that at all. I see humanity, I see our decisions, and I see the consequences to those decisions. When some shoots his or herself, they die. So what is "God's plan"? How do we indentify it? What is the difference between God and human? I have no answers, only a thousand million unanswered doubts. How will I start to believe?

I don't talk about any of the things that go on in my head. I don't know how to verbalize them. I'm scared to be judged. I'm scared to be chastised. Sometimes it seems like I'm moving farther and farther away from the world. Certain things seem so petty. Am I losing it? All these feelings of loneliness and hopelessness, where are they going? I don't know what's important anymore. I don't feel connected to anyone anymore. I'm in my own little world and I don't know where I'm heading.

Not much more to say. I have diving tomorrow in the morning and I hope it goes well. Well, peace out.

Melissa

May 28 2003: 8:06 pm

Hola. Just got home from diving practice, which went well. Hmmm...what to say, what to say. Today was for the most part a good day, there was an hour there after school that I got a little saddened/frustrated for the typical reasons, but it was smooth sailing after that. In school I had another one of my "overflows of self-consciousness" where I just sit there and wonder to myself who I am in the eyes of others. Sometimes I don't really have a clue. I don't really talk to the people in my classes despite my effort to. Sometimes I'll be sitting there amid everyone in their little social groups. I try to make myself look busy doing homework. It's the worst. I suddenly feel awkward and alone, like everyone just has altogther shunned me. I know that a lot of other people have felt like that, but I really do wonder about how people perceive me. Like, am I freak, or what? I constantly have to ask myself that. Having only like 3 friends at school and barely any aquaintances just totally plummets my self-esteem sometimes. The best thing that anyone could ever tell me to make me feel better is that, "You are normal, Melissa. You blend in." If someone said that to me, I would be in a state of nirvana, honestly. To other more popular people, that sort of thing is probably a given. But I know there are others out there who experience these types of feelings just like me. But do I really have a reason to concerned? There are people at school who DO get seen as a "freak" or "loser", what about those people? I can empathize so much for them. SHow do they get by? How do you live when everyone else sees you as "weird"? On some level you really don't have much control over who you are. And there's always going to be that person who is different, the one who people may pity but keep their distance from all the same. I think I'm starting to sound like a baby, I need to reach out to those people instead of just seeing them as poor helpless creatures. It all traces back to the same theme, Why does God make some people good and others bad? Or does He distribute advantages evenly, we just don't see it? Who knows, I certainly don't. I just know that if all of society looks at you in disgust and contempt, how are you supposed to have any sense of self-worth and pursure living? People tend to think that they are God sometimes, and can dictate what is wrong or right. So if the world shuns you, it is justified. I guess it's just another one of the shortcomings of our human nature.

Alright, that's enough for now. One of my mood boosters is the fact that we only have 2 more days of full school, and 4 days of half-day finals. Woohoo! I'm off to prepare for the Sorority Life season finale :) BYE

Melissa

June 3 2003: 2:27 pm

Whats up. Been a little while since I last posted. What can I say, its finals week, and the freedom of summer is just at my fingertips... only 3 more finals. I love the feeling. I just hope my finals scores will be good. For the amount of studying I did on literature and history, I should have gotten a high A on both of those, but I don't know. I'll be pissed if I get a mediocre score on literature. Like, I'll literally throw a fit. That class has made me feel so inadequate. I like challenges, but only when I can succeed through them. Its no good to constantly get second best when ur really putting all that work into it. Grrrrr. O well. Only next week's report card will tell. Cos after this week, it's all about diving, diving, diving. I'm going to have to work my ass off. I have this vision of me making it to nationals, but its only a dream right now. I going to have to back it up with tons of hard work. Right now I can't think of frustration or anxiety, I have to keep my eyes on the goal. I dunno though, I hate hope sometimes. Hoping in vain is one of the worst feelings anyone experiences. So I try to not get my hopes up, I try to just give it my all and let the outcome unfold. Whether or not I make it to nationals this year will definitely tell me how diving is going to fit into my life these next few years. I think I can do it. But I just want to know that I really can do it. This will be one decisive summer. I'm excited...

There's something really bothering me with my friend Brianne, and I'm just gonna spill it out right here, although its definitely not a just-recent thing. Well, yesterday, she perpetuated herself once more as someone who only cares about her image, the social scene, and having people to hang out with. Like really, I think she places way too much emphasis on those things. Or maybe its just that she's like everyone else at school, and its annoying to me, Jackie, Jenn, and Chrissy because we aren't like that. Anyways we were planning on going out to eat after exams on Thursday and Jackie was like, "Brianne, you should come." Brianne hesitated then was like, "Well I think I'm going to {insert random classmate's name}'s party". At that point I was a little peeved. Sometimes I wonder why we give her the time of day when she really doesn't care about our friendship at all. She was definitely my best friend last year, but a revolution has occured these past few months. I realized how much I feel connected with Jackie and Jenn, and how much I really am like them, in spite of all the things I thought about myself earlier in the year.

I'm cutting myself short here because I have to get ready for diving practice. Hopefully it'll be a productive one. Later, kids.

melissa

June 7, 2003: 5:53 pm

Hello, hello, 'tis officially summer! I survived finals week, but it was rough and I'm glad its over with. I won't be able to relax completely until I know I did alright. I really hope I did. I'm not too confident. Ugh, o well. Get me off this topic. I don't want to have any academic obligations for the next 2 and half months. And I won't.

So, anyways. Let's discuss Thursday night. Earlier we ("we" referring to Jackie, Jenn, Brianne, Chrissy, and some other people from school) we eating lunch at Tumbleweed and Brianne was talking about how she was planning on going to Rihad's (that's definitely mispelled) party that night. (Rihad is an Arabic kid who transferred to catholic at the beginning of the semester. A couple weeks ago he agreed to have a party and he's been Mr. Popular ever since. Kinda tells you about the people at my school, doesn't it?) Anyways I made the mistake of telling Brianne that I was free that night. She was like, "Do you want to go?". I didn't really feel like I could say anything but yes. So she told me to call her later so we could plan on going. Well I put off calling her because I really didn't want to go. She ended up calling me tho and I was like, "Well I don't really think I'm confortable going. Um.. hold up... wait, lemme call my mom." I couldn't make myself tell her that I wasn't going to go. So after a really uncomfortable talk with my mom about the details of the party (or lack thereof) I ended up going. It was ridiculously wild. Rihad lives with his brother only, so there was no supervision. And, get this... Rihad's brother bought like at least $150 worth of beer and what not. So people were drinking up a storm. Except me, of course. I went there with the intention of not drinking and I didn't.

Ok, let's get to the essentials of what went on that night. It was seriously disheartening to see people I thought were so good and noble completely drunk and wild. I really don't understand it. I don't understand how people can do that every single weekend and not have their parents catch on at all. I don't understand why its such a popular thing. I just don't get it at all, any of it, and I hate it. The case in point: this girl, we'll call her "Lindsay", who has like the highest GPA in the sophomore class, was doing shots there. I was shocked, because I thought that she really was one of the "good" ones. But no, of course not. At the end of the night Brianne and I were getting ready to leave and Brianne was like, "So what are you doing after this?" (to Lindsay). Lindsay was like "Well I told my mom I'm at so-and-so's but I'm actually staying the night here." And that was just completely it. Nobody has moral character. Everyone lies and deceives the people that care about them just for the sake of "having fun". You can tell me that I'm lame, and that I need to lighten up, and I trust myself to tell me what wrong and right. And I know that all the drinking and the crap that goes on in high school is WRONG. Thats just the way I feel. I know I'm like one of the very few who feel that way. Me, Jackie, and chrissy do, and that really helps. But when the majority does something, you tend to see it as okay, because it is the majority. And these people at my school are generally good in all other areas. I can't believe that all of them are rotten and corrupt. But I know I don't endorse the things they do, and I never will. It almost becomes an internal conflict. I want others to see that I'm right, but then I have to ask myself, "How can the vast majority be wrong?" I'm just really confused and disappointed and unsure. I need someone to talk to about this, someone beyond just my tiny circle of friends. I need someone to say, "Your intuition is right. This really isn't something people should be doing." But then I look around at the world, at the adults in this world, and all of their social gatherings center around alcohol. My mom drinks, her friends drink. Everyone drinks. So why do i have such a moral issue with it? I know its not only because I'm under 21. I mean its wrong, but only up until you hit 21? I don't know about that. Ugh, total, total frustration. Its not just as easy as myself resolving not to drink. I just don't think its right for other people to, either. Ugh. I guess its pretty silly for me to get this intense over this issue. We'll move on...

So yesterday was kind of a frustrating day as well. At one point after diving I actually started to cry. I can't even completely discern why, though. Its just that, for a little bit now, I've felt kind of exasperated in my relationship with my mom. I've just really wanted to talk to more, and I get this feeling that she doesn't want to talk to me. I don't know if thats just me projecting my own feelings of loneliness onto her, but thats the vibe I get. I'll try to initiate conversation, but it goes absolutely nowhere. I don't know if its me though, and thats the main problem. It seriously seems that my mom never wants to carry on a conversation about anything thats really important. I persist, I ask questions, all the while silently screaming for her to talk to me. And she just doesn't seem to be interested. I know that mothers and daughters can't really be friends, but it hurts me when we can't talk about anything. Then again, this could all be my internal problem, not hers. Maybe I just want someone to understand me. I want someone to have intimate conversations with. I don't really have that right now, because I wonder if I'm a freak and no one ever feels the same way I do. Plus, I'm not very good at articulating my thoughts. Whatever it may be, I just wish my mom and I were closer. A couple of weeks ago I whined to her that she never talked to me. It sounded really babyish and selfish, and she got look of frustration on her face and was like, "Don't say that, Melissa, that makes me upset because i DO talk to you." I apoligized but went to bed feeling kind of upset. I don't know what do; worse more, I don't know if there is anything I can do.

Last night, however, brought a little light to my week. Jenn, Jackie, and Chrissy came over and we watched A Guy Thing. It was a horrible movie, but we had fun chilling anyway. I felt guilty about leaving Brianne out of the picture, especially after we went to that party together. I just know that she knows she doesn't fit in with us completely. When school was still going on she rarely hung out with us. I mean, I don't want to exclude her as revenge for her not properly recognizing us as her friends. Thats stooping to a really low level, and thats just really hurtful. What would be ideal, though, is for her to find people that she's comfortable with and stop bouncing between cliques. As long as she keeps rotating her friends around she's always going to be in danger of being alienated. I want her to hang out with different people and be happy. Me and her ARE really different, and we've realized that these past few months. I'll always be a friend to her and be here for her when she needs someone, but I won't repeat this year's situation next year. She going to have to choose who she wants to be friends with, and stop using me and Jackie and Jenn for decoration. We care about her feelings but we won't be belittled. Thats why its best that I think she find a secure group of friends away from us. Its just better, and we won't have to worry about hurting her feelings when we make plans and what not.

Woo. That was a long entry. Now that I have quite a bit of time on my hands I'll be able to start writing more frequently. Well, bye, guys.

Melissa