Sep 25th---
Well Barry and I had that talk, and he had agreed to help me work on our relationship, but not a week had gone by when he basically kicked me out of the apartment and said he wanted a "break". Well it was fine with me and I was glad to get out of the apartment and if he wanted a break then that was ok because I have needed them in the past. Well I guess he wanted to break up with me which I had heard from the grapevine. I went over to talk to him and he did, but he kept holding me and kissing me and telling me he loved me as we both cried and cried. So of course that made me stay and confused me so much more then before. He told me he was frusterated but couldnt give me any examples. If your in a relationship your supposed to work on it ya know? Weve been dating for over 3 years and weve always had a good time until the last few months, and now I know why he was acting so horribly to me. Anyway I got up and left, but I still didnt know why he wanted to break up and so I came back and asked. we cried and hugged some more and he tried to explain. I guess I kind of lost it. I don't want to break up. I love him so much and he makes me so happy when Im with him so I was crying and going out of my mind. I got up to leave again and he told me that he just wanted a break and didnt want to break up with me because I meant too much to him. So we spent the night together and the next morning I asked himwhat kind of break he wanted. he said he still wanted to be able to talk to me, and that moving me out was enough of a break for him. So I left it at that, but it still didn't feel right. I wrong him an email the next morning telling him not to stay with me if he felt sorry for me and if he really wanted to break up I'd rather him be happy without me than unhappy with me. I talked to him later that night and he didn't sound like he wanted to break up and that he just needed a break. I suggested a couple weeks... then a week... then a few days and he agreed to that one. So we taking a break until the 28th I guess. Kinda wierd because we SHOULD be talking it out but if he needs time than thats better than losing him all together right? Well anyway I'll fill you in with the rest of my life later, my fingers and getting a little tired! Buh bye!
Sep 26th---
I don't have to take math 099 again you guys!!! I took the assesment and I passed into precal which means everything is set and ready for nursing school next fall! I'm so happy! I quit that horrible job at the Bakery. That's one last thing that I have to worry about. I got a job with a girl that I used to work with. She opened up her own coffee shop, so I'm hoping that it will turn out ok. I'm going to Kristens dad's wedding tomorrow! I'm pretty excited! It sounds like it's going to be a beautiful wedding. I'm going by myself but I think Kristen, her sister and I are going to hang out together. I also get to see my grandma and my cousin tomorrow. It should be a good day. I'm trying to keep myself as busy as possible. Sunday I'm going to volunteer for some horse show and work there for the morning. Well I guess I should get goin... Buh bye. P.S. SING MY GUEST BOOK YOU GUYS!!!! PLEASE!p.s.s. Barry... I love you.
Sept 29th---
Well he didn't call me back and is being a total jerk about it. I can't believe he just wouldnt respond at all... hello... just tell me what it is you want, but I've gotten to the point that I'm looking in other directions. I don't need to be treated this way. Ive done alot for Barry and I put up with a whole lot of shit from him. he's going to have a hard time finding someone else that will put up with him. He's said so himself. I'm not calling anymore. I've given up. No relationship should be this hard. I've hung out with Jenae the last couple nights and thats been pretty cool! She knows exactly what I have been going through and has kinda given me some advice. She convinced me somehow to go down and find the pizza guy that I kinda had a thing for that came through my drive through. He wasn't working, but my friends are on a mission to find me someone who's going to treat me right. I can't take anymore bad experiences. My relationship with Barry was great until the last couple months. I honestly thought he was the one I was going to marry and be with forever. After all this and how he is handling this whole thing is silly... well I gotta go. Buh bye!
October 1st
It's so funny when I read back on all my journals and see how I've felt one day relative to the next day. I talked to Barry yesterday and I'm still holdin on. He told me that he missed me and even if we did break up after all this (which I hope isn't the case) I will feel alot better that he actually has been thinking of me during this ya know? We had a pretty good little chat and he told me a few of the things that had been frusterating him... so that's a start! He's telling me whats going on... that's all I want I would much rather have him tell me what bothers him then keep it inside and then try to just walk away. We are taking another week break so i hope that he is getting the space that he needs. I'm going crazy with missing him. I tried to convince myself I didn't care... but yeah right, it lasted a few hours and that was all. I just love him way too much... well I gotta go! Buh bye! I love you Barry...
November 4th-
Well its done.. it's over. He can't hurt me anymore, he can't bring me down anymore... and I'm free. Barry and I broke up yesterday and I'm just so happy that I don't have to deal with him selfish immuture shit anymore. I just didn't love who he had become... I didn't love him. I loved the Barry I dated for so long but months ago when he started hanging out with his asshole friends he was different... and it took me so long to accept that fact. I miss the old Barry and I've had a long time to get over him... but the new Barry wasn't worth my time anymore. Even alot of his friends are telling me how they just don't like the way he is anymore... hes cocky, rude, stupid, selfish, and lazy. He's not going to do anything with his life. Hes going to work at an electronics store, or a hardware store for the rest of his life I bet. Hes prolley glad Im not around to encourage him anymore cause now he can be a bum, get his speeding tickets, and do nothin! I don't care... I'm really doing so well right now. I have not shed one tear. After we took that break and tryed again I really saw how he was... I thought it was a fase... I thought it was going to pass... but he wasn't going to try or to change at all... and that's helped me so much... because like I said before I got over Barry along time ago, but this new asshole was easy. I;m definatly not going to date for a while though, I havent been single in 5 years and I just need a nice long break. Especially after a 3 year relationship. Maybe someday we can be friends but for a good long time I dont want to see him, talk to him, hear from him, or hear about him. Well anyway! I gotta get workin on my midterm! I'll keep you posted! Luv ya buh bye!....
December 2 03-
Well... tomorrow will be one month since Barry and I broke up. It seems so much longer. I've gone on a date with one guy and he is way super nice and I'm going out with him again tomorrow on the one month anniversary. Way to celebrate yeah? going out with someone else... he he. I messed around with an old friend of mine, which was a bit wierd but things are fine. We actually started talked alot again. It had been so long since I had talked to him. Everything else is great. Ive made 4 new friends and im out all the time. Im absolutley having a wonderful time. school sucks... but when dosent it. Works really well too. NEWAZ i gotta get going! Buh bye!
December 13 '03
Well.... the guy I refered to in the last entry is the nicest, sweetist person ever. I like him alot. We've been dating and things look really good so far. He pretty shy, but I think it's cute. It's alot different from any other guy I've ever dated, and I think I like it. He's 23, has a degree (which is great because I told myself i would never again date anyone who dosent have the motivation to go to school) and hes a great snuggler and kisser. He's already brought me flowers at my work which made me want to cry because I can't remember the last time I got flowers for no real reason. I'm really excited about it! He's funny too! Once he starts to open up and talk and stuff he says some really clever stuff! I love that... I know I told myself that I wasnt going to date again for a long time, but I can't help it I like him ALOT. Perfect timing too!!! the holidays =) I havent talked to Barry at all. I saw him a few weeks ago when I went to get my helmet from him, and it was a littl wierd. Ive changed alot since we broke up and he kinda looked me up and down taking it all in...lol. It was great =) schools done and I think I failed my Music class, but oh well. I dont really need it (not a good attitude, I know). Anyway! Gotta go! Luv ya buh bye...
January 4th 04-
Christmas was great, the same as it is every year. I really nee to write in this journal more... i cant rememember most of whats happened. I ended up getting new tires for christmas which is a good thing because its been snowing here like crazy for like the last week. Ive been staying at my BF Chris's place all week. I hope he isn't getting sick of me yet. I'm watching him make his bed right now and its so funny because everything has ti be perfect on it. Hes so cute! He brought me flowers again today, such a sweet heart. He gave me a beautiful locket for Christmas, but I need apic of him to put in it. He makes me so happy! Hes so wonderful to be around and makes me feel a little hope for guys =) Im definatly fallin for him. Hes great =) Exactly what I've alwasy wanted in a guy (so far anyway). Well I'm going to leave it at that for now. I will write more often!! Luv ya buh bye!
January 6th 04
The snow is still pretty bad out here. the ice is literally an inch thick and its windy as hell out. My boss called me this morning and told me not to come to work because she didnt want me out on the roads. I dont work tomorrow either and I dont really know what im going to do. I have to get my books at BCC tomorrow. Classes started today for me online.. so I gotta get movin. I'm still at Chris's place... ive been here since new years eve. I think I still may need to stay one mor night before my road will be clear enough for me to get home. i love him. Hes wonderful. He upset me a few minutes ago but he handles it pretty well. and he seems to actually care when something does upset me so thats always good. WellI gotta go! Luv ya buh bye...
January 7th 04
Sukuts mad at me and I have no idea why... Its buggin me to death but when I asked her she just told me there was nothing I could do about it so I shouldnt worry about it. GOD! If you want it to be fixed you gotta at least tell me what Ive done wrong... ya know? I honestly can't think of anything I could have done to piss her off. It makes me nuts. So now I have been sick over it all day and i cant do anything. I tried to get her to tell me what it was, and if she isnt going to tell me what am I supposed to do? I told me mom that I was saying at chris's and she didnt mind. I think shes getting over the whole "Boys are bad for my daughter" thing... well anyway i should go! Luv ya buh bye!
January 14th 04
Well Im home now! I spent almost 2 weeks at Chris's place and we didn't get sick of each other once =) Says something right? I miss him to death though... it sucks havin someone to cuddle up to everynight and then bein all alone again. He's not so good at callin' me and asking me to come over that night or something either, which kinda sucks. I was hoping he'd call me today and ask me to come over cause I miss him alot. I keep having to, so I'm trying to get him to do it =) Kristen and I are talking again too, which is good. Shes staying at her Dad's right now because of some leaky pipes. OH! I went shooting again yesterday with Justin and Allison! SOOOO much fun! I love doing it! I shot a .22 and a .45. it was great. The .22 was nice and easy to shoot, so I think I like that one alot =) I want my own now! We all went to dinner afterwards and then Chris and I went back to his place =) Yeah... but anyways.. School is so easy so far, and I hope it stays that way! I have to figure out a concert that I want to go to and then write a review on it... which might be kinda hard because it's music. Well I should go! Luv ya buh bye...
January 17th 04
Man I had my stupid little panic attack thing and prolley scared Chris away. ya know... where i get all scared and worried that its too good to be true and that I let myself fall too deeply. so I was freakin him out a little I think cause I was being wierd. I dont blame him if he was. We had a really good day today though! It was sooo nice out so I decided that I really wanted to go for a walk somewhere, so I called and had his Roomate Jasmine wake him up and ask him if he wanted to go. So we went up to Rattlesnake and walk along the water and took pictures. Then we ran around and did some errands that he wanted to get done. I just kept him company pretty much. It was great. Jamie kinda upset me. Hes been having a bad week, so Chris and I were gonna take him out and he totally blew us off. I told him about it a few days before hand, and so when I called him that night he said he had reservations with his mom, yet when Chris went and dropped off something for Jamies parents, they told Chris that Jamie had some sort of plans and they didnt think they'd see him. So it sounds like we really got the shove off. So I text messeged him playfully saying "Fine, we can take a hint" And he came back pretty much bitching me out. I thought that was nice... I wanted to do something to cheer him up and be a good friend, and instead he blows me off and bitches me out. Nice. Well anyway i gotta go! Luv ya buh bye...
Febuary 6th 2004
Wow, I really need to get better about writing in this, no one prolley even reads this anymore. Anyhoo, I started my CNA course last night and that was pretty interesting. I think I was the only only there whose native language was English. yah... little wierd. But I met this really nice phillapino girl and we chatted for a while. She spoke english juuuuust fine =) I stayed and houseitted at Erika this last week and that was really nice to get out of the house! Chris stayed with me everynight that I stayed there, and then I stayed at his place when we wern't. And nope, still not sick of him yet. I got a little annoyed last night because we seem to go to bed whenever HES tired and then he just falls asleep and I lay there forever wide awake. So last night he wanted to go to bed to just "snuggle and talk" and of course he fell asleep like immediatly. So I huffed and puffed and got up and watched spongebob for about an hour before going to bed. DAMNIT! I wasnt Tired yet! But that was it =) Everthing else seems to be going ok. My mom and I got into about a week ago and I havnet spoken to her since. Shes mad because I dont always tell her where Im going or if Im coming home. And I DO think I need to be better about just not coming home all night without telling my parents because they DO worry, but I dont feel I need to tell her who Im with or where exactly it is Im going anymore. I'm tired of her knowing everything. It's bad enough having to live back at home, but It's worse being mothered again too. AGH! Well I think thats about it for now. Luv ya buh bye!
Febuary 8th 2004-
Oh Muh Gosh! We had so much fun tonight! We had "grammy night"! Terese, Kristen and I dressed up like we were going to the grammy's and watched them. Terese and I went all out and did our hair and make up. She wore a really pretty dress, but I decided to be the statement maker and wore a surong with a peasant shirt. It was pretty funky. James came along to and it was really great to see him. I met Chris's parents on Friday and that was alot of fun. We went to a really yummy resteraunt and then went to a concert for a Russian Orchestra! It was beautiful and his family was really nice. I enjoyed meeting them very much. Last night I went to the Cheesecake factory with Allison and Kristen... ahhh mmmmmm cheeeeesecake. Soooo good! We had alot of fun there too. NEWAZ I need to go to bed. Tired! Luv ya buh bye...
June 2004
Chris is being so mean latley. I don't think he likes me anymore. He dosen't want to spend anytime with me, and he compeltley broke my heart on our 6 month anniversary. It was two days before his best friends wedding and he said that we were going to go to dinner, so I got all dressed up and waited for 2 hours for him to call. He never even called. I called him finally and he said he was too busy to go out. Then the next day he told me he went out to the bar with Chris. I was crushed. It hurt so bad that he didnt want to see me or anything, and the worst of it is, i dont even think he feels bad.
June 2004
Things have gotten worse between me and Chris. I don't know that we'll make it. He only ever wants to hang out with Chris and he's ditched me like 6 times this month to hang out with him. We see each other twice a week now because he dosent want to hang out with me any other night. I don't really know what I'm here for. He won;t even ever tell me that he loves me. Its been a couple weeks since I've heard him say it. Then when I try to talk to him about it he tells me I'm being stupid and rediculous. I don't know what to do. He won't listen to me. I've never cried every night like this. He just dosen't even seem to notice.
June 2004-
I've had it up to the ears with him. He promised he would go to Allisons bday party with me, and at the very last minute cancelled. I was on my way to pick him up and he said he'd rather go to a movie with his roomate. This is the third time this week that he's done this. I do not deserve this... i do alot for him. I try hard to make sure he feels good and that i give him enough attention and that he knows he's loved, but he returns none of that. I feel crappy, don't ever get his attention, and he never ever even says he loves me.
July 4th 2004-
Chris and I went to Ocean shores for the 4th with his parents. It was alot of fun. We stayed in a hotel on the beach and Chris and I even shared a room which was kinda wierd, but Chris still refused to sleep in the same bed as me. My parents went to so we met up on the 4th and watched the fireworks together. It made me feel alot better to have my parents there for a little while. A Little nerve racking to be with his parents for a couple days sraight. Anyhoo it was fun.
August 2004-
Well, Now Chris wants to buy a house and live with Chris and Jasmine again. I don't understand. don't you think that if you were in relationship for a while you might want to live with THAT person? Or invite them to live with you if you knew they wanted to get out or move in together? If he moves in with chris and Jasmine everything stops. It does. Theres no more future. I'm not going to sit around and wait for them all to grow up. Why does he have to have them there? They are MARRIED. The first year of your marriage shouldnt be spent with a roomate. Its irratating. All Chris does is complain about them too, why would you want that? He dosent get it. Theyll be there for another 5 years. I dunno. Jamie and I see it as them just using him for cheaper rent. If they could afford it on their own of course they wouldnt want him there. And His roomates are pushing so hard. They are even talking to Chriss dad about it without Chris even being there. So basically Chriss dad is going to buy Chriss roomates a house, and Chris will just kinda live there again. Its dumb.
September 9th 2004-
Its Chris's bday today and I got him a gun that he seemed to be interested in. I hope today goes good. He has to work which is kinda dumb but we are all going over to his mom's house afterwards and that should be cool. I'm getting really tired of my espresso job. Shes such a lazy ass and it drives me nuts. I'm tired of cleaning up after her. I'm still trying to get into a hospital for work but I think Im going to have to just go ahead and look at assisted living homes or something.
Septermber 20th 2004-
I found a CNA job! I'll have to work nights thought which might kinda suck, but maybe it'll be a good thing! It looks like an ok place. I should start next week somtime. It's full time too! Yay! Maybe I can move out! chris has dropped the house thing I think, so maybe we can get an apartment together. I dunno quite how he feels about that because somedays he seemes to like it and even mention it himself, while others it seems to scare him. If not Justin wants to move in with me!
October 1st 2004-
Well the CNA job was wierd and I didnt like it at all. The night shift definatly did suck. It was really shady too. I went and applied at Covenent Shores today so I hopefully will hear back from them pretty soon. Chris has been sooooo incredibly sweet latley! I'm so happy that hes finally coming around! Hes paying attention to me and wanting to hang out with me and stuff. Hes being all lovley. Its great! He hasnt blown me off at all!!! Yay!!! I love him
November 1st 2004-
Oops, sorry it's been awhile. We had halloween yesterday and that was fun. I havent talked to Chris in 3 days. Hes such a thoughtless jerk sometimes. He never seems to be concerned with what I want or how i feel. If he thinks its dumb, then it is, ya know? It was like I was just a tagalong all day with him and his roomate. there were things i wanted to do with him, that I had told him the night before, but since his roomate calls in sick everything has to change and be evolvd around him. And we CANT hurt HIS feelings, cause those are soooo much more important than mine i guess. Its funny too, because his roomate will complain about not getting enough alone time with Chris, and then it'll ohhhh poor roomate and I feel bad and blah blah blah. But the minute I say it i'm being ridiculous. Tell me how that works? He always has to protect his roomates feelings, but to hell with mine. If he dosent call me today I'm done. I have a 3 day rule. You really want to run away for that long then it isnt worth it. Cause nothing will get worked out. I housesat this weekend for my Aunt in Port Orchard. That was fun, a little scary, but fun. I got to see my other Aunt too.
November 11th 2004-
I have a new job now at the Pizza place. It's alot of fun. I'm trying to get the hang of the whole waitressing thing but it isnt that much different from baristaing i guess. The poeple there are really nice too. I finally got on the waiting list for the LPN program so thats a good thing.
November 22nd 2004-
Just hanging out with Sukut tonight. We are crocheting as usual. I hung out with Terese and David last night and that was really nice to see them i don't ever get a chance because we all have such wacky schedules. Chris has been at his mom's a couple nights in a row. His parents are starting to go through a divorce so I'm pretty sure he'll be over there alot to keep her company and support her. which is cool.
November 24th 2004-
Chris and I got into a fight again tonight... over the internet. Real classy. I haven't been feeling appriciated. He dosent really do anything for me or so anything out of the way for me. It sucks, so he asked me to tell him the other night and I did but he walked away afterwards and I dunno... hes so hard to talk to sometimes. He always goes on the defensive and somehow gets mad back, and its stupid because then im left feeling worse than before. He has this "shut down" tactic where he tries to "shut me down" which is so stupid because if your going to communicate than that's the mose imature way to do it.
Everyone should have their say ya know? Anyway he got mad cause I talked about it more online and he felt it was impersonal... and anyways too mach to explain. Ive tried calling him like 20 times and hes being and asshole and ignoring my calls... i'll try again tomorrow.
November 25th- 2004
Thanksgiving was uneventful. I was supposed to talk to my aunt about not going to church with her this Christmas but I didnt. I chickened out. Chris and I talked this morning and he still didnt seem to get it, but its out of the way for now I guess. ummm... yeah not much happened.
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