What was she thinking
Mood:  down
Topic: Why?
Ok so I know I havent been writting at all but I have been just a little busy. The only thing that made me write today was this (http://www.thebostonchannel.com/news/5186921/detail.html) what was this lady thinking that no one would find out?come on....also i feel very bad for her not only did she have to hid this from her family and friends....now they all know and think shes sick and also she has to live with the fact that she killed her kid. do you remember that story about the girl who was 16 and she was 6months pregnat and she had her boyfriend hit her with a bat till she had a misscarraige.....what are the laws in her state? why didnt this girl get some help? why didnt this lady get some help. this all makes me so scared....what if these crazy ass republicans get their wasy and woman dont have the right to choose anymore? what then? these headlines will just become and everyday thing? just something we become a custome to? this is a just something i have been thinking about......do you know that we have not had a increase in min wage since 1997? come on what the hell is that about that was 9 years ago. with the rising cost of fuel and the fact winter is comming you would think the lawmakers would want to help out the people or as they like to call us the voters cuz they dont see anyone not in the direct circle as people they see us as a vote something to be gained or lost and if not they want to see us wipe eachother out until only what they need remains. come on.....o i am so mad at 8:05 in the am i think it is sicking....What is more sicking is that no one has health insurance....do you? i know i dont....but we can go and give aid all over the world and help everyone else out so that we look good on a globel scale but on the home front we are the new wave of mass genocide. thanks for listening to my rant.

Maureen

When things go wrong
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: A random mix of stuff
Topic: Phone Calls
I don't know what a healthy realtionship is. In fact I don't even know what a realtionship is. I guess at some point I probally had an amazing boyfriend and I just threw it away becuase I am dumb. No I did have one once...a few times. I can remember all the really good boyfriends I had. The ones who said that they cared who acted like they cared....the ones who kissed me when I had fallen asleep....The ones who didnt care if I wore sweat pants and whined a little. I remember you very well since now I can't find that anywhere. But because of I was dumb and let you walk out I am left with crap.....I remember all of the bad boyfriends.....I remember the way you lied to me face to face....the way I walked in on you with my "friends" the way you had a line for each time you fucked up.....I fucked up by staying with your lame asses. But now I am done....I am done with guys in general. I have decided today right now that I will not let you any closer then then a friendly hello. I will not give you my phone number or take your free drinks since in the end all you really want is to hurt me...to lie. I guess you could say I am mad....I am mad at guys and their lack of knowing....Every guy will cheat..woman don't fool yourselves...even if you are married that man will still walk out in a second for something else....he may not say when things have gone bad since guys are creatures of habit....they like to know that even thought they "forget" to call or have a "drunken" kiss or whatever that they can still have you to come back to. No not this girl. I am done with you all. I am done with your lies your fucking around and your lack of caring and if I could go back and change the day I ever lost my virginty then I would and I would have taken up plastic instead since guys officially suck. I am not some heart broken girl with an angry moment. I am a girl who has just had enough...I have been lied to and beaten down to many times to fall for it again. So please just let me be when you see me since all you will get is a rude response since I know the rode that lies ahead.

When You Wake Up
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: It's a Mix CD day
Topic: Kissing
I went and I saw him. I saw his eyes and felt his arms. I could put a face to the voice. It plays over in my head like an endless looped movie. From start to finish I don't think I will forget any of it.Now it just the next step. I thought I knew what I was doing.What I was getting myself into.But I don't. I know that I have never felt any of this before. I just feel safe with him. I want to tell him that I want to move that I want to just give all of this up and be with him.But somewhere inside something is screaming that I can not do that. I have moved before to make myself happy so why would this be different? It would be different because I am then admitting that I have feelings for someone. That I am willing to give up part of my life to gain part of their life. Does this make sense to anyone?

Countdown
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Nine Inch Nails *-*Perfect Drug & Closer*-*
I really thought I had put in another blog but I guess I didn't. So it is 8 days till I go see Erik and I am so excited. We went to Avalon this weekend and Sean got kicked out like 40 min after we got their but we stayed and drank {Sorry Sean soon enough you will be 21} I only have till Friday at my job that it is back to looking for a new job but I am on the ball with that stuff so I have a few interviews set up already. So wait Skittel tells me last night he was arrested and when I ask what for he says lack of license...Holy Crap. I think their is something wrong with the computer systems in Mass. They took Sean's license cuz they said it was expired and now they take Skittel's for some mysterious unpaid ticket....I have some mysterious unpaid ticket to how nice. I think it's mass just finding a new way to tax us. So each day at work I walk in with a smile and I say hello to each person who's name I know but their is one kid who just for some reason does not like me. But I think I have it figured out. He does not like gay people and he voted for Bush. Also I think he likes weak woman. So I hang out at gay clubs and I did not vote for Bush and I am far from a weak woman. Well I am weak when it comes to certin things. Going to see Erik in a few days and I am so happy. I whish I could stay their and never come back. But reality check I have to come back and he has to stay and that sucks and I hate it so I don't want to think about it anymore. Well it's laundry time so I will talk to you later skater.

Mood:  flirty
Now Playing: Beenie Man*-*Grindacologist*-*
Hello, Wanted to give a update. It is Thursday and I am wicked sick. I didn't go to work yesterday but I did get in a car accident/ Thanks Denis. Also Skittel is sick. We went to a gay club on Friday night and all I have to say is yuck. Their was no lie a 65 year old man like jamming out spirit fingers and all. Hey Skittel "Coat Check" HAHAHAHA. Then we went to a staright club on Sat and their was like 15 people their but we got so drunk and we had so much fun. But Sunday night took the cake. How drunk were all of us? What was with the size of those shots and hey Scotty do you want a "RedHeaded Slut?" And I def. ruined my shoes. yup their junk. What else???? O yes I got my plane ticket to go see E. and i am so excited. Crystal wedding is getting closer and closer and damn i need to go back to the Gazzel. Shit Denis I so forgot about our trip to Penn. to see the Amish and your almost face dive......haha lets get high and do it again. I am feeling somewhat better today then I did yesterday but I still feel like crap. SO the weekend plans are looking somewhat like this.....Friday is free Sat we are going to a a straight club that will have people in it..haha and sunday its a gay club......i need sleep just thinking about this weekend...didn't I say no more clubs....why don't you listen....Cuz you guys all know that the inner me wants to dance forever. O yea Skittel gave me the prettiest necklace and I will never take it off. But I have to get ready for work so talk to you all later. Skit. good luck at K's today and Denis did you take the cat to the vet??? Yuck. Hey BTB whats with your phone? I droped by to get you high last night but your phone was off and you wern't home....hmm something's fishy.

Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: Crime Mob *-*Stilettos (Pumps)*-*
So my taxes came in yesterday and that was wicked nice. It's like money I forgot I had. I don't file my taxes on time ever and this time it worked for my benefit. I filed 02-03 and I still have to file 04. So I am going to book a flight to go see __________. When I listen to this cd it makes me think of T.T. makes me miss her in Florida. Don't worry girl I'll come visit. So over the weekend Skittel,Sean,Olga and I went to Diseal(formaly the STrand) We had so much fun we danced until 4 a.m. and Skittel found a spinning dance floor.I love going to gay clubs more then straight clubs. I just go to dance and have fun and the music is better. Well at least I think it is. Ok so I just put on David Banner(Real Pimps Get Down) Have you ever seen that guy he is enourmous. (me i'm a pimp im not paying for sex id rather buy a new rolex) I'm just in a rap mood. So this weekend we are going to a gay club closer to home and I say.....isnt that a little close to home...what if???? and S. says well they are their to so what does that say??? So true......... Don't you hate those lying ass hoes standing their smiling in their best freinds clothes...........Another good one is T.I. he is also wicked cute. He does that Rubberband man song. Little known fact is that he builds homes for people with his $$$$$. So in the past few days at work I have met 2 D.j.'s well they may just be saying that...however...the only good D.J. i know is Jen Zina (you know what I'm talking about) the mix tape queen. Ok so I have to get ready for work but I wanted to rambel on for you guys since I have not done this in awhile. Hey Erik today is the 24th of Feb.......one month from today.....I can't wait

Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: https://www.angelfire.com/oz/ht81/valentine.html
Topic: The Crush
Ok so just in case I have not made it clear that I have an amazingly large crush on someone and sometimes when I talk to him I just can't belive that he likes me back. So it was kissing day a few days ago and it was cute he made me this little video thing and it was so sweet I will never forget it....Their is alot about him that I will never forget. I'm just going to rambel on for a moment but when I first saw him I wanted him...But if you know the story then you know that this has been a long running crush.....Years! Ok so anyways Jamie brought me a flower at work and we had lunch and it was fun. But back to the crush. So for years I have a thought of him floating in my head.....Just years of like "what if's". So When I moved home I talked to him and he said he liked me and I had to make sure he knew it was me and not someone else and it just became the best thing ever. Now I talk to him all the time and I can't wait to see him.....He is so far away from me right now that it makes me wicked sad. But I want him closer to me then I want anyone else......No one makes me feel the way he can make me feel. And I just whish that it can go on forever, Ok well if you know me then you know that I have to get up for work in a few hours. Yuck!!!

Where Does Love Go?
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Dashboard Confessionals
Topic: Broken
One day I want to be In-Love. But today was a sad day for love. “ She came to my house her eyes were red with tears and her hands shook and she would not let me hold her…..I told her I loved her and that I would always stand by her side. My heart was breaking. I love her but will my love change like her love has changed for him…..I wonder how he is taking this? I don’t know how men think but I am sad for him….How can you be married for 20+ years and then all of the sudden fall out of love? I’m scared of love from what I have seen today. From the broken shattered pieces of life that I was picking up today. I don’t want to hurt like that. I want to love and be loved but she was so hurt and I can not do that. But I think of other people in love and it gives me hope. My mom and dad are so in love and I want a love like that when I finally find it……I remember the first time a guy said he loved me…..I will never forget it…..and he was the first to seriously break my heart to wound me and he did break me and I was left so alone…I know that he still has a piece of me in his room in a box that he will not give back…..Love is something I can not feel right now…..I care about people and I want to give them all that I can but I’m so scared that I will get hurt. I guess that is what life is. Waiting to get hurt. I’m just sad now that these things are happening in my life and the lives of my family. I am very tired from this day and I would like to sleep. However I have someone in my head and they are breaking all my rules and making me see things in a way I have never seen them before. I would like to give him a chance but…….

Driving.......
Mood:  accident prone
Now Playing: Enya*-*Sail Away
Topic: Fears
Ok so Jamie and I decided that we want to go to Boston today. And O yea we get lost. We even had the help of the GPS lady. She was no help. We ended up in Roxbury. For those of you who may know that area…. You know. Then finally we find the place and it was closing in 15 min. Yea wicked fun. Anyways we drove over that “new” bridge in Boston and I must say it is nice but it made my stomach turn. What is with the drivers in the city? It’s like they want their insurance rates to be high. A blinker helps a lot. I am going to MD for Easter. I hope its fun. I know it will be. I’m going to my crush. I am so excited I can’t wait. I want to see him today but that’s impossible. I have a new cube home at my job and I don’t like it. It’s so small. But I have a seat so that means if anyone wanted to send me flowers for V-day they could. HINT HINT. I just changed the music which changed my whole train of thought. I’m going to the gay club again this weekend. Yes! I went on Friday night with Jamie, Sean, and Danielle. We had so much fun. We all drank so much and danced like we were possessed. I like the gay clubs because the people are so much nicer and the music pounds through your whole body. It’s so much fun. “What was with those fat mean chicks” Ok so we are walking out of the club and this car full of raggedy ass girls drives up and throws a fruit cup at us. What was that? Come on there is no need to Hate. OK well I have to get up for work in the morning. Yuck work. One day I will be so rich that I won’t have to get up at the ass crack of dawn to go to work. When I am rich I can just skip on down to my office in my jimmies and do my paper work and hang out with my kids…..Yes Kids. I so can’t wait to be rich and have cute little kids and a dog and all that jazz. I can’t get a dog because my “crush” is allergic. Anyways on that note I’m out and have a good day.

The Cube Jobs
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Nothing and That makes me So Mad
Topic: What is My Job?
So I'm sitting in my cube and like always board. I like my job dont get me wrong but their are just long periods where I do nothing. I mean nothing. So I'm planning a trip to go see my Grammy in MD and I'm so excited. I miss her. I miss my whole family their. Its going to be me and my cousin and we are going to drive. 7 hours Yuck. Of course I said we should fly but she didnt want to do that. I'll sleep becuase I'm an awfull driver. I will admit this. Yes awfull. I'm just terrified of the "other" drivers. It was Florida....they have no idea how to drive. It was like a white knuckle fight to get out of the driveway. My stomache aches just thinking about it. I'm going on a job interview for the Marlboro Journal on Wed and I must say that I think It will be fun. Its for writting and design. Mabey theyll give me the advice collum. You know how advice for others always works but when it comes to yourself it just doesnt work out. I could be like the next dear abby but so much cooler. I'm supposed to go into Boston this weekend to go undwear shopping and I'm so excited. But I would like to save my money so that I can go see someone but I'm going to buy the sassiest corest with him in mind :) Its thursday...pay day!!!! but all that really means is the bill collectors get paid and i get $2.32 left to me. Now that makes me mad. But hey one day I want to buy a house so getting my credit in check now seems like a good move. OK so I'll write more later because their will probally be another long pause in the work load....hey at least I'm not wicked busy and frazzeled and stressed out....Peace Out