september 8 1999

i was at the bookstore today and just got the most horrible feeling. i was walking around dejected ‘cause i couldnt find anything i wanted. i couldnt find anything that spoke to me. and i realized that i am completely alone. ive never felt more alone in my life than i do right now. i realized that i have no one at all in my life. and i felt like vomiting but i was so empty i couldnt even do that. i put so much pressure on myself to be thin and sometimes i look in the mirror and its like god youre so stupid why are you killing yourself like this? but i do it anyway. i think one day this week all i ate was a bunch of graham crackers and a bagel. is that healthy? i think not.

im here just going insane ‘cause when i got online, laura was on. she went into n/a about 30 minutes ago with the message ill be back in a little while. and i just know shes not gonna talk to me. she has no idea how much that hurts me. or she does and she doesnt care at all. how can you intentionally hurt someone like that? she doesnt know that i think about her every fucking day and night and second and rely so much on what she thinks of me. i need her to like me to feel better about myself. i need to talk to her, someone my own age, not just ***. i need her to know how everything is with me and to fix it. but she probably wouldnt even if she could. thats just the way she is and she doesnt wanna change. she doesnt want to treat me well, i dont know why. she just sucks and i love her so much sometimes and others i totally hate her and i wanna whack her brains out with a baseball bat.

september 16 1999

i cant breathe. i dont even want to. i feel so hollow inside. i know i need laura to fill me up. *** said he and laura had discussed me, that they had agreed that it wasnt fair to use someone, to rely on that someone solely for your happiness and both thought that i had been doing that. *** said he thought i was threatening to kill myself just so laura would talk to me. that fucker. he doesnt know. he has no idea of anything.

you think you know everything about me? you dont know shit. you are just a jealous arrogant fucker. youre the not the center of my universe so youre pissed at me and youre gonna do anything and everything to take me away from her. you cant take me away from her. i will always be with her. so just fuck off. you dont know a damn thing about me. and you never will. youre too concerned with your own agenda to even try to see me. all you care about is what i think of you. nothing is going to happen. its laura, yes its all her. i wanna be with her and you just cant stand that. and yes i do rely on her for my happiness. i do put it all in her hands. but she certainly wasnt the only reason i was gonna off myself and you had nothing at all to do with it. you arent on my mind 24 hours a day. you and all your phony friendship talk, and you dont even believe a word i fucking say. what kind of friend is that? you fucker, now you wont know anything. so you can take your supposed caring because i dont need it. i dont need you. i dont. all your fucking discussion of me, like shes gonna be gone, so i guess it doesnt matter what the fuck i say. you think you can badmouth me and get away with it.? think again. you are just totally wasted.

he thinks he fucking knows everything. when he doesnt know shit. about me or my life or what i feel or what im going through. i didnt even talk to laura. she said she had been having a rough day and didnt want to take it out on me. that was thoughtful. i keep thinking maybe something can happen. if she had those feelings before, she can have them again. cant she?

afghan whigs : fountain and fairfax

its weird how you can feel like you have no one at all when so many people claim to care about you. i have laura saying she cares and shes really the most important one right now to me. i remember how i used to think angela cared but then i remember all the times she just seemed to blow me off and jess too, how its been major blowoff these past few months, them not even saying a word to me since fucking june. i reread the note i wrote to jessica and my god. i dont know what she thinks. i havent heard from her and maybe its stupid of me to think that i will. i wrote to angela too of course.

so *** sent me this message , “am i allowed to speak to you?” no you fucker, not after what you said to me. ive calmed down a little bit. but i just cant believe that. i thought about it for a second. is laura the only reason i was doing it? hell no. i am scared of college, of going back to va where i have nothing and no one. laura says i have her but i dont know. im sick of feeling alone all the time. sick of feeling like no one is there. sick of not having anyone care about me as much as i care about them. i hate the way i am, or the way i see myself. as so fat and disgusting and dirty. i dont have any friends. im in a strange place. i hate my job. no one knows me. they all know the little sheer mask i wear, to keep people away. i just feel like shit and no one seems to understand. thats why i didnt wanna stick around anymore. and right now, i still dont.

i have no words to describe how i feel. i can only hug myself to keep warm.

september 17 1999

now i feel like ive done it. just fucked it up with her. but i always feel that way. i wrote her this morning, asking her about all that shit *** said. shes feeling bad over something and didnt really feel like answering or really know how she felt about the situation. its obviously *** greatly exaggerated. hes such a fucker.

i felt really bad at work today. i was like a zombie. at least im working less hours. the last two weeks were hell, so much work, i hate it all. today was kinda disjointed. just back and forth, moving but im not moving, im gliding across the floor, the doubledecker banging into the back of my ankle. god damn, but that hurts. it didnt even feel like a real work day really. then i get home and some inane letter from mrs. a and then laura. i just think im hurting her more than she already is and i know she thinks the same with me. it sucks.

so i guess it hasnt been a bad day. so far. ill get back online later tonight and im sure ill have some bullshit thing from ***. i wrote him, told him i saw through his little plan to break us up. he has always tried to turn us against each other. really.

september 18 1999

tori amos : bliss and crucify

so i wrote laura today. actually i sent her the letter i wrote her yesterday. it just basically said i was sorry for involving her in the whole thing and that i wished i could help her because she is so special to me. i dont know if she believes me or cares even. i know she doesnt care like i want her to care. i want to be the center of her fucking universe and im not, i know that im not. why cant she make me? i could be it, i could treat her so well. now i sound pathetic. i get way too caught up in her. i just feel so empty without her. and whats really sad is thinking back and remembering how she didnt exactly treat me well back then. but i think things would be different now.

i love walking to work. its the only time i get to be alone. i have to treasure it. i have to walk just to feel sane. just me and my music and my thoughts. i think about all kinds of things while im walking. like today i fantasized that lindsey, shari, and magda were all following me, then magda used the excuse of chris cornell being on the radio as a way to talk to me. today, it was gray, overcast, very wet. thats great ‘cause thats how i feel. i wish this would all just so away. it could so easily i think sometimes.

ive just about given up on finding a pair of perfect sparkly butterfly wings.

september 21 1999

muse “muscle museum”

chalk chalk chalk chalk chalk im so alone im so alone why am i not good enough for anyone to love? why does everyone hate me and put me down? why am i so ugly and fat and disgusting? i’ll get online tomorrow and laura will yell at me she’ll tell me how stupid i am. all there is is pain. i might wait until august, i might wait until january but i might not. i dont know if things will get better by then. its not going to break up get better. it never dies. i am so scared of everything and no one cares or understands. there wont be. i love you so much i promise you i do. dont think that i hate you or am mad at you. youre so special. i wish i could be in you thats how much i care. i hope youre never so depressed i hope you never feel like this. you are so wonderful i love you. now im probably in nothing just nice peaceful floating. i just dont wanna feel anything anymore. i have all this pain and hurt and crying all the time and you dont understand, no one does and i dont think they ever will.

like totally fer sure never gonna compare to anyone. i dont want you to ignore me when it pleases you! i can dream all i want but youre not here still will you ever be? ill just be a statistic he’ll probably tell the sparrow she wont care like anyone else everyone will cry for 2 minutes then i will be forgotten. no one WOULD miss me silly boy.

and thats evident but i love everyone still. need you all even though you dont care. the message is for everyone, thats why i tried to write everyone but no one cares. now youre just sick of me. you dont wanna bother with me. and i dont blame you. i fuck up all i touch. please dont be mad at me. i love you all. i know youll just ignore me now too but now i wont care. i wish i were dead already. i wish i could get up the courage to do it. i hope i can soon. i really want to end this is all too much for me. i wish i could just talk to someone. i dont believe you when you say you care. i wait and wait for you but you never come. you never come. they dont come. you dont care. i beg you every day to help me but you dont. you get pissed at me and call me names. well too late. i need you so much but youre not there. so i just pretend . but i wish you were really there.

who knows when something can be special to someone?

october 1 1999

i really feel kind of weird reading all this stuff about suicide. i know i want to do it. i didnt when i wrote those notes. i mean, i wanted to but i knew i never would but now i think i can . i ve got a plan, which is this. winn-dixie has nyquil sleeping pills maximum strength, thats 50 mgs each. i want to take fifty so at 3.55$ each, i would need 7 boxes. that’s be almost 20$ and 2500 mgs. i dont know if thats enough to kill myself though. im looking for specific cases so i can tell but i cant find any. then i want to get in a car, carbon monoxide. i would take the pills in there, with some kind of alcohol possibly. thats the only fuck-up proof way i could think of. hanging too, i guess, if all else fails. i dont know when i would have the opportunity to do this. on saturdays, no one is home. my mom comes in at 11:30 for lunch so i could probably do it after that.

its very scary to think of really doing this. and i know i dont feel very bad right this second but i know i will again, i cried myself to sleep the other night and i can see theres nothing there for me in the future. theres nothing i want to do , theres no thing im aching to do. and i do wonder about how people will feel. i wonder if they’ll care. and i dont care how they’ll feel for the most part. ‘cause i know my problems and what it takes to solve them. my biggest fear is that ill screw it up and wont die; ill just be some vegetable in a hospital room and i dont want that. but i think my way is pretty safe. i dont want to let anyone down but i cant live my life for other people. i cant live it at all. i hope i can remain this calm when i actually do it. you have to detach yourself from the act, thats what ive read so far. that makes it easier. and ive been thinking about people and how they say they care about me but i dont believe them. its hard knowing you are worth nothing to those around you. people dont depend on me for anything because i give and give and give and all anyone does is take. i know no one really cares and if they do? well , they’ll get over it. the maybe 2 people who care will forget about me. everyones forgotten about me already, from va, no one has remembered me. so thats that, i guess. i still love everyone though, everyone of you.

october 3 1999

lucy nation “alright”

so i have come to realize that the whole thing with laura was an excuse. i was focusing on her and my problems and feelings for her as a way to distract myself from the real problems, or the other problems really. it was stupid of me to do that but that was my defense at the time.i see now thats she shouldnt define my self-worth. she cant because it doesnt exist. doesnt mean i love her any less, just that i realize that shes not all there is to why i feel bad. shes actually a very small part of it. theres a lot more, a list that i dont wanna go into here. i was thinking about my family and how they would react. i had completely forgotten they existed. i dont think theyll be so affected. i tried to think how would i react if one of them killed themselves but im too fucked up to know. i also realized why i must buy. everytime i get paid or whatever i need to spend the money right away and i realized its because i need a purpose. i need to think the day was worth something so i have to have something material. hey, there was a purpose to living today; i bought rolling stone! i make a lot of excuses to prolong my life, unconsciously.but then i make such definite plans to end it too. i just havent acted on them yet.

i wrote laura and mrs. a today, telling them about myproblems and myplans. i dont know why . actually i wrote mrs. a yesterday. maybe what i really want is help, not to die. but i do want to die. i remember the moments when thats all i seem to want and i really dont want to be seen as non-serious and just doing this for attention and im afraid laura and mrs. a will thank that. i dont know. i dont know what i want. to not feel bad. but i really dont see anything in the future and even when im somewhat happy, thats doesnt change. i dont want to be alone anymore. i want people to know me and at the same time, i dont. lots of people dont deserve to know me. but then , who the hell am i? so special? i dont think so. its not that i dont deserve to know people. is that me? i dont know. i dont know what i feel. people around me are blathering away about things. and im not a part of anything and i dont want to be maybe. who the fuck knows? shut up shut up. shut up. people are talking. like theres nothing more than 4 hours equals 20 dollars. they must be happy to talk about such trivial things. this whole thing is bullshit. i dont know who i am. i dont know anything but how bad i feel. even when i dont feel bad, i feel nothing, maybe a dread ‘cause i know its coming. i read this thing about this 19 year old boy who killed himself and in his note, he said he was doing it because he didnt have any friends and he wanted to go to heaven so god would be his friend. i almost cried. but thats me, isnt it? minus the heaven.

october 13 1999

tori amos – venus orbiting

so i went to the psychiatrist on monday, or the pharmacist should i say. it seems like thats all he is. there for 15 minutes, then he scurries off to get medication after barely talking to me. he was the nightmare, i walked in and he asked what was wrong. like i could say. he kept asking why, why are you depressed? hey, fucker, i dont know why! i just am. i can come up with reasons but they all sound so trivial, especially there in his little office with the bare flourescent lights.

last night, i started feeling bad again. just futile, like theres nothing there for me and i know there isnt. i dont see how medication can solve that. if i were to kill myself now, it wouldnt be to stop feeling bad, it would be to stop feeling nothing. but then i feel so guilty, like laura and mrs. a are going think im such a whatever. they claim to care so now i have the added pressure of not letting people down, something im bound to do anyway.

i keep buying all this stuff,thinking i can fill my life with material possesions but it doesnt work. i just feel more hollow. i dont have a life at all. im so paranoid. and no one understands at all. and if they do, they cant fix it. they have mechanics to fix cars,theyre supposed to have doctors to fix people but i get shafted and get the fucking quack of the bunch. sigh.

laura left for arkansas this morning. why? who the fuck knows. she did not tell me. so theres one down until next wednesday. chris had to work today and i never know what to say to mrs. a. those are my 3 fucking people and thats it. in my mind of course, i have tori amos to talk to. i am reconciling with to venus and back. orginally i didnt like it and nin got more play with me but tori has taken over and ive even started listening to little earthquakes again. im debating over whether or not to pay 8 bucks for the crucify ep. i keep thinking i can get it cheaper even though most places have it for 17. ive become so fucking cheap with myself.

oh yeah, i might go see a movie today. i love theaters. dark, red, and warm. lovely.

october 16 1999

laura, i really hope youre not mad at me. i know you are and probably hate me but dont waste the energy. i really love you with all my heart. i wish i could be with you all the time. i know you care about me but i cant live my life for you. youre going to leave me just like everyone else does and forget about me. you would think that since i moved, i would be the one leaving people. but really everyone was leaving me, i see now. youre going to leave me to continue on with your life. i know its selfish of me to want you to stay. i was really just here for you. there is nothing but you for me. and once you leave, theres nothing for me. this is not your fault, its my fault for giving myself to you so completely. its my fault for being so obessed. you shouldnt feel guilty or anything. its just my life is so empty. i really dont know anymore. and i know you hate me right now but dont. you would have forgotten all about me after you left and we never would have seen each other again. and you might not believe that now but if you think about it, youll know its true. i told you all my reasons before and i know they sound trivial. but they make me feel so bad, you couldnt possibly know. theres so much i want to tell you. theres so much you should know. like how much you meant to me and how much i wish this werent happening. i really do love you.i wish i could do more than just keep saying those words but thats all i know. id do anything to be where you are right now. but i really hate myself and you would too, i know. im so dirty, you cant imagine. i hope you can do what it is you want to do with your life. as far as people thinking, im a coward, i really dont care what people think, just you. and if you think im a coward it really doesnt matter now. i love you. being dead, i feel nothing, which is better than feeling bad all the time.your spiders and ants thing is ludicrous. were you grasping at straws? i love you. i remember everything you ever said to me. i have to go now. i love you. love, angelique

october 21 1999

so i decided to skip work today. just the thought of going to work and staying there in that bare flourescent light was unbearable to me. so my mom gets home for lunch and proceeds to bitch at me about what the hell kind of game am i playing? she then tells me the counselor said i need to see a psychiatrist right away and tell him/her what i told her yesterday (about laura and killing myself when she goes to college). i just plain dont want to live without her in my life. anyway, she then tells me the counselor said her recommendation would be that i go to a hospital. she wants to cart me off the fucking looney bin already. im not crazy and im not going to any fucking hospital. this just goes to show, you really cant fucking trust anyone. ive read about psychiatric hospitals in girl_interrupted and prozac nation and they dont seem to do anyone any good. winona ryder checked herself into one years ago, thinking she would be able to talk to someone. all she did was roam the halls at night and she checked herself out after a week of nothingness. the stigma of that whole thing is so bad. and laura hasnt written me back, bitch. i kinda want to tell her all this but she’ll think im fucking crazy. ill be damned if im going to any hospital. ill be fine here in my room in the dark playing uno. its nice and rainy outside. i wanna go outside and dance in the rain. but its not raining , it just looks like its gonna rain. i have to go see her again tomorrow. yesterday i kept looking at the clock and she thought it was because i wanted to hurry up and get out of there. but for what? what would i go do? i told her its because therapy is better than nothing and she almost started crying. so she said we could make the sessions twice a week. i dont know anymore though, because she just wants to cart me off to someplace thats shit. i cant trust anyone, not even myself. i fuck up all the time.

november 29 1999

so we’re here in our new house or windowbox, i should say. its really small. but at least lucky gets to come inside. today, maybe my mom will get off her ass and make a doctors appointment for him. i get paid tomorrow then ill probably have to have some big powwow with mr woods, tell him oh yes i love it and the week off really gave me time to reflect bullshit. god, i fucking hate work. but i do need the money. for lucky, his food, doctor, grooming, toys, for me, x-mas gifts, perfume, cds. dvds, books.

i almost wish i had gone to the psyciatric hospital, not that i still feel really bad. i feel ok most of the time, except for rare moments when the sadness returns. but its really short like 20 seconds, just ‘til i can get away and be alone. things are quite mediocre. i wish i could say they were werent.