Kay`s Home Page

Thanks for stopping by. this page is all thoughts coz aa has a damn limit. k ur wasting your own time if you wanna read through it all.






THIS IS IT. I'VE STARTED TO YOU XANGA WHICH IN THE END IS BETTER FOR ME. AS I MENTIONED IN TODAY'S ENTRY, I AM STARTING ANEW. FRESH. BRAND SPANKING NEW BEGINNING WHERE I GIVE A DAMN ABOUT MYSELF AND STOP FEELING SORRY EVERYTIME SOMETIMES BAD HAPPENS. I WAS SO HURT THESE PAST FOUR YEARS THAT I DIDNT GET A CHANCE TO SEE MYSELF IN THE REAL LIGHT. I CONCENTRATED ON EVERYONE BUT ME. AND THATS IT. NOW I'M FINALLY GIVING MYSELF TIME, BECAUSE I DESERVE IT. PEOPLE ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT HIGH SCHOOL WOULD BE THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE. I DONT KNOW ABOUT THE BEST, BUT I SURE KNOW THAT ITS THE FASTEST AND MOST I'VE GROWN EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY, AND PHYSICALLY. i dont need to dwell anymore. i'm trying real hard not to.
simply, learn from the past.

goodbye angelfire, i loved having somewhere to rant. its my escape.



Nov. 1st, 004

FRESH.


Oct. 18th, 2004.

so many years have passed, yet the same question is still unanswerable to me.
when i was young, everyone, teachers, parents, relatives, strangers would ask "what do you want to be when you grow up?"
well firstly, im 18 and i dont know. second, i dont feel grown up. yet i`m at an age where i have to choose my lifestyle for myself. im building a sense of responsibility and independence. but why?! im not grown up and i dont want to be. it may be a middle child syndrome sort of thing, but i liked and still like (to an extent) being bossed around, not being the boss.
i applied for a specific degree. why. im still scared as hell. sure, it may be the "right" choice in the end but im freaking out over here!
i had one conversation with jaco one day, her tellin me she was going to ryerson for nursing and *bang* in goes that thought to my head. u know, im a career stealer. when sanna wanted to be a paramedic so did i. when roz wanted to become a sports therapist, so did i. and in the end?! i`ve just gotten myself into a mess. im stuck in the mud knee high. number one because it was a very very quick decision, a one day decision, and second because i could`ve gone to u of t and done the 2 yrs basic sci, and then apply for nursing IF i felt like it after taking related courses. it would`ve been closer to home. i wouldnt have to take 3 hr bus rides just to sleep in my own bed. i wouldnt have to make friends who when school`s out, will be on the other side of the country. not that there`s anything wrong with them, frienship extends over oceans even, but its just.. inconvenient. and i`d miss them too much.

but no, i had to jump into the pool blindfolded. oh god am i ever irrational and spontaneous. its like me and shopping. horrible shopper. too spontaneous esp when i see something ugly, or just, and ONLY, just, decent. wearable. when its something nice, i take the longest time to decide if its worth the $ or if it`ll last, or i make up some dumb excuse to why it might not be a great purchase.

now. to sum up this whole bit. who am i. why do i make these rash decisions. i need to understand myself better. which i thought i did over the past year but i guess i was wrong.
roz taught me a lot about learning this evening. that phone call really brought some perspective into my eyes. and i guess i havent had that epiphany (thanks english class) happen yet. my realization of what`s truly wrong, or going berserk in my world.
i thought it was fear of commitment, for relationships.
i thought it was guilt, for doing favours.
i thought it was pity, for showing care.


was i ever wrong.
and today,
am i ever wrong.

i think i need some time off to do some soul searching, seriously. it sounds like a movie line but im really lost in the inside.


Oct. 16th, 2004.
i havent watched any movies in so long. it used to be a weekly thing, going to the theatres with my friends. now? where are my friends T__T yesterday i went shopping wif maria .. so much fun `n it was raining after heheh ah well getting a lil wet ain`t too bad! welps thats all the fun i`ll be having all weekend coz my midterm`s on monday =(
gotta study like crazziee so i`ll post something else later. gotta crack open the books dammit i dont want toooooooooooooooooo ............ *cries*


Oct. 11th, 2004.

back at home.. everything`s so out of place =) where`s the sink!? how come the floor feels different. v_v
well yeah. got to see like 5 friends so far .. nuthin really.. didnt see my bestest buds coz they`re all busy with thanksgiving plans.. which IS the reason to come back for a weekend but still.. i mean there are 4 days to hang out, im sure they can spare an hr? i miss em a lot.
heh things at home are diff. everything`s .. just .... slightly changed which i dont like, but will have to get used to. neways. i think im gonna go study some more.


"so glad i met u.. take my breath away, make everyday worth all of the pain that i`ve gone through.."


Oct. 6th, 2004.

i`ve got a lab to finish and a group assignment to finish, yet again i dont have enough willpower to focus strictly on work alone. i cant seem to concentrate.

i`ve realized that over the past month, most people have made new friends, some which may turn to be their best friends later on. in some cases i can really see it happen, esp. on my floor. i`m trying, but not enough. compared to others i`ve been shy and scared, hiding out in my room almost every night with my door slighty ajar. i should be partying, being social, making friends. but im not. maybe im too hung up on the past and cant seem to let go?! maybe its because whenever im alone my mind wonders onto sadder topics? im not quite sure at the moment but i hope to figure this out soon. this strange depressed self wont go very far unless there`s an attitude change.

well.

it seems as if i`ve been typing out loud again. people can say talking out loud, so why not the typing too =)
anywho, things seem the same.

u know,

i`ve always been more of a listener than a talker. more of a watcher than a doer.

so.

is that such a bad thing?


Oct. 3rd, 2004.

its my bday. yay happy bday to me. got many good wishes from friends and family. had a wonderful day except the last 2 hrs. strange how i forgot so easily what had been bothering me for half my life. its a love hate relationship. what can u do. what can anyone do for that matter.. really, ppl say psychiatrists help. hah. in my case i think the psychiastrist would slam the door on me after hearing what i`d have to say. lol.

so. first quiz tomorrow. kinda nervous since im not prepared. ah well. my fault. its only worth 1% anyways. or i can count it as one of my fluke ones which`ll be great. neways i should sleep. hopefully get 1--% on my quiz! lol

i hope next weekend will be just as great as this one ~ this is what university should be about =) goodnight.


sept. 23, 3004.
first lab.. first actual hand-in assignment tomorrow. so nervous! do i source ? how much do i write?! when will the ques be due.. RIGHT after the lab?! what to dooooooooo ....... omg i wish class wasnt cancelled all week then maybe i`d kno waht im gonna do for tomororw`s lab!! why does the teacher do this to usssssss whyyyyyyyyyy .... =(
today was really fun.. signed up for a team! finally! but its a HUGE team.. so i guess its not really. ok. thats stupid. but neways got things planned.. WILL catch up on studying with this new method. gotta. or else. i will fail T__T fail terribly i kno wit .

ok . chill. time to breathe. lol .. relaxed most of the day today. soo nice to spend a day w/o too many worries.. and w/ nice and fun ppl! watched the o.c. special =) so good.. heheh still got "california" song stuck in my head too ! it was so strange how there was a clip replayed from one of the past episodes with seth saying "theresa`s pregnant." HAH i thought the o.c. was a non summer thing. well. back to school.. and still theresa`s stupid story is still following me. seriously. she gets on my nerves.. i`ve never really had disrespect for anyone until this point. i dont understand someone without morals or ANY good judgement. makes me wanna scream at her. well. i was close. lol .
anyways....... i dunno abt that work place. i feel pity for them almost. almost enough for them to drag me back. dunno if that makes sense but yes.. thats what i feel will happen in a sense. last time it wasnt too bad to go back. at least i was promoted. but next yr.. will a promotion even be enough to keep me there ? maybe im thinking too much of the "easy" life.. need to concentrate back on today. on tomorrow. on SCHOOL . oh focking readings and labs and studying things that are too much for me.
well. i guess it could be worse. i could be studying formulas and other useless things. lol.
neways. its late.. already 1:20 am. so technically its not the 23rd. still. i have that habit of changin the date until i wake up. once i wake up. then. is it a new day =)
goodnight to no one b/c no one ever reads this.

sept. 22. 2004. 11:59pm.
scared. so scared.


Sept. 22, 2004.
wrong. everything`s wrong.. doesnt seem like things are where they should be. maybe its me. or maybe its the world.
been pretty moody lately. great way to meet friends ehhh.... its my own fault. i linger on the past too often . gotta move forward. baby steps.. just baby steps...

note. to self?
not deciding is a decision.


Sept. 20th, 2004.
havin a good time here in uni.. tho a lil sick. everyone`s coughing on my floor so no wonder i`ve got a bit of a cold. neways classes have been pretty good. my profs are really nice.. umm food`s not TOO bad. ppl. hmm duno mybe its just me.. being so anti social ehh ..... some just seem really fake . sure, its a way to start a conversation but i cant talk to ppl forever like that . arrrrr ....... dunno . maybe ill warm up to them later. just missin everyone right now. cant wait to see everyone during thanksgiving weekend.

"on such nights i would suffer, again and again, the worst horror of the lover: i would find myself unable to summon up the adored one`s face and - i write it hardly expecting to be believed except by someone who has suffered this abjection of adoration - i would shake at the blasphemy of having thus mislaid [his] likeness"
- robertson davies


----------------


IM BACK TO WHERE I CALL HOME

Aug. 28th, 2004.
referring to the above quote. i thought of him today. i cant believe after almost 2 months. wow. its just..... i wonder sometimes how he`s doing. did he move.. is he alright. what kind of friends does he have. and if only, we were in the same grade im sure i`d see him at reunions. and if only he went to my school. if only i knew where he disappeared to i wouldnt be wondering so much about him. in my mind he`s stilltaht same innocent boy who was my best friend at one point, and also the one i feared the most at one point.

"so tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here.. get here"

i hope our paths cross someday soon. im growing impatient ......

i know it sounds strange to still think of someone for so long.. esp if u no longer talk to them. but im sure everyone`s got someone they cant forget. someone special.


Aug. 25, 2004.
funny how i only know the date coz i had to lookat it all day at work. "would u like the date on that pic ? how about the logo? looks good? " omg....... worked 7 days in a row.. one grind. im exhausted. at the same time.. i like being busy b/c then its not like i wasted my summer. i just wish my boss knew how to make schedules properly. seriously. how do u give me 15 less hrs than the other guy?! wth....... *ahem* i hope to chill w/ as many ppl during the next week and a bit.. omg leaving on the 5th im scared but at the same time not. im excited but havent even started packing. lol.

im so glad one of my bestest friends is coming with me =) it makes sept seem a little better ~ im ...... going to miss my friends terribly.


Aug. 25, 2004.
funny how i only know the date coz i had to look at it all day at work. "would u like the date on that pic ? how about the logo? looks good? " omg....... worked 7 days in a row.. one grind. im exhausted. at the same time.. i like being busy b/c then its not like i wasted my summer. i just wish my boss knew how to make schedules properly. seriously. how do u give me 15 less hrs than the other guy?! wth....... *ahem* i hope to chill w/ as many ppl during the next week and a bit.. omg leaving on the 5th im scared but at the same time not. im excited but havent even started packing. lol.

im so glad one of my bestest friends is coming with me =) it makes sept seem a little better ~ im ...... going to miss my friends terribly


Aug. 15th, 2004.
there`s something im supposed to do today. hmm this date seems so familiar. something important is supposed to go on but i cant remember! noooooooo! yesterday i finally got the cds i`ve been saving up for. yay. such a loser. T_T
went out for dinner yesterdya at like 10.. omg who waits till 10 to eat dinner!! it was really fun going out and spending some time w/ friends... but i think im going to have a hard time hearing for a bit lol. all that.. noise. meh. neways this week should be busy ... really busy and fun. gotta continue packing for uni too ..... although its really my dad packing for me. somehow im more carefree abt this uni stuff than my parents. who`s the onegoing away here.. lol.
kk i guess i`ll get ready for work.... again -_-;; they need to hire more staff. give me a day off.

aug 13th.
FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH.
things are back to the way they were. only i`ve changed, and the situation hasnt. im such a hypocrite u know. i give advice and tell them not to think a certain way, things are better. yet i dont believe it for myself. at least not completely. why is it that i deserve such a lovely person in my life. whatever gave me the right to decide certain things.
i dont know how to deal with certain issues and i should stop giving false hope to ppl and advice of which i dont care for myself. shit. like i said, im a hypocrite. i`d rather not get into specifics either. esp. online, though i still type this entry. should......mean... im sharing. but im not. its hard to tell even the closest friend something, what makes me think i can splurge everything out to the world.

do i even make sense.


who`s here to listen.



who`s here to care.












love life. respect is all u need.
-im out- July 20th, 2003.
great. life`s a biatch. why didnt anyone warn me!!!!!!!! lol well i`ve been having a really good summer. learned so much so far. i`ve done things i never imagined doing so far this month. now i can say "yay i did it?" it doesn`t satisfy. feck. it wasnt worth it was it.

July 19th, 2003.
lalalaaaaaaaaaa ...... i`m such a chicken still ~ got what i wanted but i dont know what to do .

July 9th, 2004.
weds. omg. i`m such a chicken =( dfkjafjasdiodfiio;adjmkdasfdfmklidoo now is one of those times where i feel like kicking myself.

June 10, 2004.
i think i`m gonna relax this weekend.. the past few have been filled with too much fun and excitement. ji just..... hope i get this stupid essay done. i`ve put it off for like 2 weeks already. bu t...... if i dont do it i still pass english so why bother. i can afford to have my mark drop 30% ... even though its only worth 10% =) its all gooooooood =) maybe....... when i come back from the play tonite i`ll do it. dunno. been such a lazy arse since prom weekend. hah. weekends ......... =) nooooooo ...... i`ve developed I. syndrome.. only waiting for weekends lol. he`s a bad influence >=)
its gonna feel strange going to a play tonight w/o my sunny friend =( we used to go every yr together and now....... i`m going ....... without her *cries* i wonder how she is anywho.
blerrrrrrrrrg........ so ....... distracted fromi doing essay..
still blabbering on arent i.
well. i watched love actually in class today. my gosh its such a cute movie i need to ownn it! colin whats his face is pretty cool. no wonder one of my friends is obsessed w/ him lol. ah well. i`ll stick to good ol` orli =) and staring at tennis players..... *closes jaw*
alright i`m leaving. thats it.. enough time wasted.

May 20th, 2004.
growing more and more impatient. i dont care if i`m accepted or declined for uniiiii i just wanna get my damn mail!!! oh why cant they hurry up.....

May 19th, 2004.
reading catch 22..... lol. well i`ve fallen asleep everytime i get to page 11..... out of 9!! i dont know, introductions make me tired? i fell asleep in the library yesterday whilst reading my french novel. it was so embarressing when i woke up b/c i was sittin almost upright and this weird guy walked by staring funny. i guess i`m not getting enough sleep. everyday this week i`ve woken up early to tutor or for work or ... whatever ~ i`ll be stress free from school in 3 weeks =) yay. this week is almost stressfree.... but i dont know why i don get sleep! strange.
well i`m off to bed now. goodnight.

May 7th, 2004.
i started to read catch 22. supposedly its really good? bleeehhhh we`ll see. finished life of pi. (not pie! heheh) well... the librarian told me "the tiger did it" when i checked it out. even now when i`ve finished the novel, i still don`t get it! i need to see her on monday, and ask her abt it lol. errrrrr going for a long car ride tomolooooooo yaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy but too bad its supposed to be raining. .. . . . . . ........................... i had time to check the weather yesterday but i didnt have time for friends ? ER? aaaaaaaaaa...... so stupid ......... ok laaaaaaaaaa im going to go watch what i taped .

May 3rd, 2004.
woke up late this morning .. think i`ll work on my eng. a lil more. gotta present like 4th period v_v ~ be back online later or sumfin.

May 2nd, 2004.
my feet are killing! vouluntering yesterday was a lot of fun ~ the marks on my feet aren`t that bad......... lol. i woke up early this morning for work but guess my shift was cancelled..... hate when they do that to me. why couldnt they have told me earlier. makes my life easier.
sooooooo no more probs w/ stupid marks being posted on ouac. it took a week to sort out all that stuff w/ guidance. phew. well its over now, i`ll just have to sit and wait now.

April 28th, 2004.
its 11:58...... i`ll be done in like half an hr, just watch. well. lets get a couple things straight.
i hate my french teacher.
she bugs the hell out of me. i hate when she voices her opinion on things because she tries to sugarcoat her offensive comments.
i hate and love my friends and family. yes, both. im so cruel to some ppl, u know, but only for their own good. well. this love/hate relationship isnt that bad is it. have i ever been taught otherwise ? and wellll ....... i really dont know what else to say abt this.
school STUFF worries me.
i get nervous everytime my mum brings home the mail. at school i`m panicking and getting flustered over stupid things and if i werent im sure things would still be fine. marks are stupid. why am i wanting good marks? am i really pleasing myself? work will be hell. damn money, why cant everything be free right now. i dont wanna get out. im fine sulking over my overprotected life.
neexxxxxt. shopping doesnt actually relieve stress. it just bottles it and sooner or later it`ll cause some sort of meltdown. im surprised i havent brokendown this semmm . eventhough i`m hating every other minute, things could be worse right? its 12:07. didnt quite take half an hour.. but whatever. im gettin tired and cranky. damn where did my best friend go? oh yeh. i remember. out the window. why now...

April 27th, 2004.
today was boring.. just as everyday is. things happen .. but nothing interesting. umm im scheduled for work this weekend. omg. i will try my arse off this yr for that promotion. lol.
errrrrrrrr ........ what else ..... omg i did osmething totally embarressing today im laughing at myself b/c of it . its hysterical my gosh u`d point and laugh if i said it . neawys. im gonna go read a book or soemthing.. u know, coz me ingerrish is vely bad. i is in need of improvement lol. goodnight. i`ll write a proper rant when i`m less tired.

April 25th, 2004.
i got to drive all weekenddddd yaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy ..... my turns are waaaay better than they used to be but my parking is getting worse! when i think i`m crooked, im straight, and when i think im straight, im crooked. this reeeks.... ehhhh. my friends are pretty awesome drivers.. keeping their hands at the bottom of the wheel or eating and driving .. or not even using both hands. oh why do i reeeeeeeeek at it lol. i got lost again today tooo . omg i need a navigator when i`m older . that`d be the best gift my future whoever could give me lol. neways. so tired rignt now. i dunno i had another nap this afternoon too. n` i dont even make any sense when i wake up lol i shouldve just gone back to sleep. neways goodnight.

April 20, 2004.
je deteste l`ecole. stupid stupid stupiddddddddddddd ....... je n`recois meme pas le stupide certificat je n sais pas pq je continue avec ce stupid sujet. ahhhh j`suis si frustre maintenant . ce matin jsuis reveille si tot par le telephone qui sonnait aiyaaaaaahhhhhh jdois arreter de penser a ses penser ridicule de lui. ahiadofadsfkdsaksd. je. suis. completement. folle. et. fatigue lol. je nveux meme pas corriger tous les erreurs que j`ai fait . je sais que c`est trop.

je l`ai vu ojurdui. mais .... c`est comme je lai ignore pq jetais si occupe avc mes propres affaires. c`est sa propre faute. il est le plus grand idiot que je connais. mais je suis molle comme la beurre. et si fragile. jsuis trop gentille vers luie h.je me deteste. cest un situation degolass.e.

April 15th, 2004.
my gosh i was so bitter yesterday. today was the peak of my stress level.... by the end of the day i was out apologizing lol. well everyone`s got their bad days. still.... i`ve got so much french stuff due and i havent done much. its like no matter how much i do its never going to finish. i just need to stay up another hr to finish. then sleep. then the tournament. mixed doubles here i come.

April 14th, 2004.
the past couple weeks have been really stressful. waaaayyyyy too much school work and stuff. umm its beenreally fun at th same time?? idunno. seems like everyone`s busy doin their own thang these days.. ppl tune out in convos b/c they`re so out of it. i`ve noticed that my close friends havent really talked much with each other .. and they`re drifting. am i the glue then? coz i dont wanna be! i am doing a bad job then... coz no one talks much anymore. school`s a drag already ~ its only been a day since the 4 day weekend too! im already so tired of everything =( except for sports of course. i cant wait until fri ... i`ve never played in a badminton tournament will will for the first time =) yaya ! i hope i get to play mixed doubles. its really fun except im always cringing when the dude behind me smashes coz he smashes right into the back of his partner`s head! eeek! i better watch out. everything for dboat seems to be falling into place... except that the supervisors dont even listen to me. *sigh* ah well. i tried.
ppl are getting uni acceptances and stuff around this time and well. i suck. not literally. hah. i have the nerve to crack jokes... so sad. so sad. well the marks were submitted today so im just going to keep my fingers crossed. i hate all this waiting. why cant i be smarter!! noooooooo ...... but then again... i dont wanna be anymore of a studybug than i already am.
its funny. i talked to one of my supposedly nerdy friends today and found out he`s actually got a life beyond books. it took me by surprise b/c he never talks abt anything besides math stuff. of course, thats when i tune out and let other ppl who know what the heck he`s talkin abt join the convo. well. not a total geek eh..... i still have hope. jks.
i heard that prom may be cancelled if 100 ppl dont buy their damn tickets. fucccckkkkk T_T i bought my damn dress `n all. i dont know bout a stupid date. i`ve sorta given up after the whole fiasco with A. we`ve got a month to prepare shit and i dont even feel like going anymore. my parents would be upset though. they paid forthe damn dress lol. my sis keeps askin me who i`m goin with. well. i have no hope for a date.
while im on this topic of opp sex., why must guys be such dickks? i cant believe some of my friends. they tell me.... oh... ur too innocent i must protect you from being corrupted, and acting all nice. then they turn around, and talk amongst their guy friends and rant abt the next hottest chick and talk shit abt girls. how the heck do they expect me to stay out of a convo where i have a chance to defend the female pop. fukk your protectiveness over me. i wasnt born yesterday fucker. i know enough to recognize badmouthing when i hear it.
but..... i still believe there are decent guys out there.
on a strange note. there`s this dude i keep running into everywheresince like a yr ago and its like we`ve had a nonspeaking very strange relationship (what else would it be). im sure the dude`s a nice guy coz he`s got friends, but i mean... the more times u bump into someone the more chance u`d talk to them right? well, the school year`s going to be over sooner than i realize it and i`ll never get a chance to have a nice convo w/ him. unless he approaches me one day. hah. at least that would break the ice.. and then if we`d rather ignore each other for the rest of time, then sure. but at least i could stop wondering who the heck he is and why we`ve never spoken to each other.
oh gawd im tired right now. i knew i shouldnt have drank all that coffee..... why oh why. my brilliant plan of drinking enough to stay awake and do work isnt working! and i havent been on aa for solong...... so what better time than now to start typing such random bs as im doing now. its already 1:30am. i should be sleeping dammit wtf... well. a couple movies i must see: that olsen twins movie. troy. and kill bill 2. thats all i can remember lol. yes, u read correctly. olsen twins. i dont know why i have such a huge fascination with their lives. their movies are complete shiit, they arenteven hot, and their clothingline is the worst thing to ever be created. or was it makeup. oh whatever the hell it is, its totally crappalicious. it seems that since spring arrived.. i havent gotten much happier. or nicer. i should stop taking so many bitch pills eh. i swear if if i had to live with another me for a day i`d kill her. who the hell bitches this much abt nothing? i will change. the sun will shine again.
its funny. i have everything set in place for me. my life right now is like a birthday cake. everything`s in place. i`ve got all the right ingredients..... but i`m missing a spoon. im missing the action. something isn`t allowing me to be completely happy. and although u may say, well, be happy. u`ve still got a cake, so screw the spoon. i`ll never be happy until i have everything i need to enjoy... life, and a cake? i dont know.
oh pls...... i need a break from reality.

March...uhh.. I DONT KNOW BECAUSE ITS THE MARCH BREAK.
well. its been a great week...... i`ve been relaxing the whole time and finishing things i didnt have time to finish. its sat and omg the hw load is insane for tomorrow =) ah well! i dont care. as long as i get things done.

March 10th, 2004.
had a very relaxed day. went to two libraries, and a restaurant for a field trip! isnt that awesome?!?! i just wish all my friends couldcome with me and relax.. seems everyone`s a lil stressed with school already! i mean.. get your high marks. go go go. but as u maintain your mark.. give yourself some time to relax and have some fun... and it seems like some have forgotten the fun factor and well, i just think a field trip like the one i went on today would do them some good.
which.. is why we have march break. its not high school reading week, as some refer it as.. b/c that implies that we`re studying for some humungo test/exam for the days we get back from march break. what is really is.. is time to chill and goof off.... and to have LOADS OF FUN. some ppl are going to montreal for the break .. some school organized trip where all the seniors are surely gonna bring their fake ids and get completely smashed. *grins at the thought of the stories i`ll hear* ahh... its a great time to be a teen. too bad i`m missing it. not that i want to go to those extremes.. but to do something slightly more daring than usual. and plus, who says b/c u get smashed once that u become a junky for life? those are parent tales. geeez. we need to live a little bit.

Feb. 29th, 2004.
yaaaaaaaaay feb. 29th! woopiiieeeee leap yr. too bad for those who`re born today! they only get to celebrate their bdays once every 4 yrshehe. i did so much cleaning today! its such great weather i wanna go out =T got lots of school work to do .. and so many more episodes of diff animes which i must watch.
friday was fun. just like the good ol` times. i hope next fri will be just as great =)
i started work on sat...... ahhhhh it was sooooo rowdy!! and meeting all the new staff made me somewhat uncomfortable. they all know each other and during break and the little pauses.. i dont know where to stand and what to talk abt since they all engage in their own convos as if im not there. i hope in 2 weeks my next shift will be better. hey, anything`s better than working at pcw right? hm i wonder if pcw willask me to come back this summer. if so ..... they can take that position and shove it.

Feb. 24th, 2004.
im missing something out of highschool. its not supposed to happen this way. where are the parties, the longlasting friendships, the latenight convos, the heartaches, the tears, the moments of complete stupidity [of laughter], where`s the carelessness and freedom as a teen?! rhhs is such a nerd school. of course i want a good future, but i want to LIVE a little. =( k i`ll stop ranting and go to sleep. goodnight.

Feb. 14th, 2004.
what a strange day. i think i`m desensitized now. by the by....... i hate valentine`s day this year.........

Feb. 2nd, 2004.
dragonboat practice resumes tomorrow. i`m not even close to fit anymore. i can`t wait to get started and to feel the pain!!!!!!!!!!!!
classes were fine. i think i`m becoming more of a loner since exams finished.
too many promises have been broken.

Jan 21st, 2004.
this morning i woke up early to study. instead i watched the new year`s celebration on cctv with my dad. im starting to like that channel,along with channel 12. lol. i guess after i get off the comp i`ll study.
all there`s to do is study until i do my exams. yay. im currently at home skipping school, for what?! to study. hah and this is studying.
i also spent this morning reading one of jenn`s books. its views are wrong! it takes more than that to convince me ! mahahah. ok . well.
be back when i take another break. bye

Jan 16th, 2004.
its the weekend! freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee from sitting in class in silence. wooooot ~ i had yet another discussion with the same person about britney spears and xtina. i can honestly say because of all the following reasons, i have more respect for britney than xtina.
i know britney does not have full talent in what she does. *lip syncing is not a talent* in an interview not too long ago, i remember her saying something that completely made sense (for once) instead of her usual bs abt her music and growing up shiit. well she said, "i`m an entertainer. there will always be people that don`t like " etc.. and i found that a perfect answer. she really isn`t a singer, and solely that. she`s an entertainer who sings and dances for people`s pleasure. the way she appeals to her audience and her fanbase today shows how successful she`s been and still is. i don`t see how people refuse to see how her marketing schemes are so perfect. from her image to music, to well.. everything she does to advertise herself and grab attention.. it is so well planned out. ok.. except when she claimed she was a virgin and when she told the press lies about her and timberlake. those were two things she could have avoided. now, except from that, everything she (or her team of hired goons) has worked to her advantage ~ i admit our society here in north america IS pretty messed up in certain parts. we`ve just got so much money to spend on ourselves that we`ve become people that have closed off the rest of the world and seem to think if its fine here, its fine everywhere. even with this nice life with lots of luxeries (which i always appreciate and try not to take advantage of) and all the opportunities that we should be oh so fortunate to get, we`re greedy and despicable. sooo.. back to my point. with what we have, she has taken full advantage of it all. don`t hate her too much now. if she doesn`t take advantage of her looks and talent (well at least in dancing) someone else will take the loot, and the spotlight in another way. might i say, good job britney, for scooping to these measures. you won`t have any money problems whenyou`reretired.thats all us dumbfukks care abt anyways, right? don`t agree with me? well then sod off !!
im not in bestest friend mood right now, haaaaaaahaaaaaaa. ok. well its late im done my funky rant thing-a-mabobber and will go back to chubby faced cutie pie mood later. goodnight. lol. ahhh and some people say women are complicated ~

Jan 14th, 2004.
i just got a visit from someone,(s), from school. its 10:50pm ! i wonder why(s) keeps showing up. its funny how everytime (s) is undersdressed too. *sigh* how do i get myself into these weird situations. anyways. . . dslkfja;ldsf i have no time to deal with them now that exams are approaching. i spent the past 3 lunches this week playing cards. CRAZY. i need to get off my ass and do some work. i`ll type better rants next time. lol.

Jan 3rd, 2004.
wow its been i while since i touched this aa page ~ it looks fine the way it is.. so i think i`ll leave it. i remember maria making this layout for me a year ago or so and i was soooooo happy she did, for everyone had a cool layout except me. lol.... back when aa was the "in" thing. now its like, who cares if you have aa. who are you going to chat with? what`s the point? why don`t we all just use friendster? =) we`re all so fukkn concerned about staying close with our current friends but all this icq, msn, aa, friendster stuff isnt really helping. i dont see how it is. at the mo. i`ll just stick to using the phone and chatting with people in person. i find that works so much better than this online crap. people are so funny these days.
.neways.
abt the break....... i think this has been a very jam packed break for me. i`ve been out so much that i don`t want to go out anymore. and besides, its my turn to take the xmas tree down this year so i have an excuse to stay in. looking back at 2003, i`ve had many "new" things happen. its kind of like how i wanted to experience all my "teen experiences" before i turned 16 back on my bday..... but by reflecting back on all 2003 i can say that i`ve experienced a lot more than i bargained for. its been one heck of a roller coaster and now that its 2004, i think its time to relax and focus on important things onceagain, and to stop goofing off ~ its not that i`ve finished with my so called "list" of important things to do, since most things get thrown in as we go, its just that experiencing things isn`t all that there is in life.and really, who even cares how many times you`ve blacked out, or tried something? this type of attitude is exactly what makes someone "cooool" these days and i`ve been stupid. so too bad. i quit.

Dec. 25th, 2003.
COUNTS FOR THE BREAK =)

-MOVIES-
i guess.. in order since i can only remember them that way lol.

friday. no class so the day counts. =)
0-- kenshin ovas 5 + 6 (doesnt really count coz they arent really movies.. but just as long as one!)
1. joint security area (at school.. it was sooo good)
2. pirates of the carribean
sat.
3. lord of the rings: the return of the king
4. the abyss
5. true confessions of a ..
sunday.
6. matrix reloaded (yay thanks john)
monday.
don`t remember !
tuesday.
7. infernal affairs
8. infernal affairs 2
wednesday.
9. sense and sensibility
10. the bodyguard

Monday Dec. 22nd, 2003.
hahahahah i`m such an idiot. bahhh i should not make anymore bets. yest. was fun but hmm nothing big happened. today was supposed to be great but.... ah well. i just hope.. no one`s ..... =( fjado;fjodif s alright i`m getting off.

Dec. 21, 2003.
its like 1:30am now.. not bad at all =) saw lotr ~ i LOVE ORLI!! viggo`s pretty good competition in that movie tho ~ lol. the whole movie was awesome and even though i pracitally wet myself *jokes* b/c shelob was terrifying, it was sooooooooo goooooooooooooooood. after lotr i went with a couple of friends to rent the abyss and this other movie. they lasted pretty long so i just got home not too long ago. hm. the abyss was shit.. but not as bad as it couldve been. durin the movie there was lots of time to ponder. i`ve come to the conclusion that my friends this year have been way too nice to me. i don`t deserve this much attention and i certainly don`t deserve so many smiles. (i just swapped topics.. its sorta weird eh?) neways its funny how friends make so many promises to each other and spill out to you others` secrets, telling you: "don`t tell so and so i told you. i was supposed to keep it as a secret." *sigh* so many broken promises. i hope tomorrw no one`ll get completely pissed. anywho.. she promised no more for this year... =)
dyed my hair again. and again no one noticed. my friends are great and in a way i`m glad they didnt notice. they arent all obsessedwith fashion and looks. they may be insecure (i bet they are, they`re friggin teens too) .... and so am i. friend: wtf do u need makeup for? u look great w/o it. me: thx for ur opinion, but i still wanna cake it on. lol. aahhhhhhh... let`s live another day ~ goodnight ^^

Dec. 17th, 2003.
lesson of the day: if you`ve got something to say about someone, say it to their face. hiding behind other ppl or twisting words around is cheapand low. people are too quick to judge, i know i am. but some........ arrggg...... its like they don`t realize others have probs too. don`t be so friggin ignorant!!! if someone doesnt seem to have a problem, well maybe their problem is that they just don`t have one. sure i get pissed off when someone gives me attitude in the hall (small example) but think dammitt........ maybe that person`s pissed abt something that happened at home, or something else personal could have happened. no one is perfect. in fact no one is close ! so instead of sayin, stop the judgemental thoughts, just... try to ease a little on them. yes? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. good.

Nov. 20. 2003.
gosh its been a while. who does she think she is talking like that, and with that attitude? and why does she have to give out so much personal info abt fam stuff its not right. i understand the whole trust shit and how one feels obligated to reveal all the secrets and shit.. but even so i wouldnt. tomorrow is my first time out with mah boys =) its gonna be fun. i hope it'll be better than i pictured it. i have a test tomrorow and i studied for abt an hour and watched tv. im such a lazy mofo i cant believe im graduatin this year. no wonder i'm so unsure of everything. im so friggin careless. its not right. how am i suppsoed to get into uni this way? im supposed to be able to narrow it down and choose by now, but fukk i can't if i don't know! like i care, but at the same time i dont! bahhh i make no sense. its like that time i tried to explain to nikk that i loved and hated someone so much at the same time. she said, well...... thats the way it is w/ me and someone and im like fukk nooooo you have no idea what i mean. i dont go up to ppl i hate and give em a hug like she's saying. of course no one understands. now, if i could only get that msg to that piece of ass upstairs . gosh what a thick skull she's got. i dont see how someone gets through life like this. im gonna go insane before her. oh wait..... thats already happened. stupid affect things have on me. take today for example. tony lost his phone. he was fukking bitching at me but i bet all i've got that i was feeling more hurt than him. i fukin cried in the washroom today which was totally weird but blah i think it was a good stress reliever. why doesnt anyone act the way i do? am i that bizarre?! i don't even make sense right now. (oh, i already stated that somewhere). now.... if i can just get this lazy ass up to bed then i'll be fine for my test tomororw. =) i like being in aclass w/ that cutie. my gosh i seem to concentrate better and work harder knowing that he's working just as hard as i am. but wtf in calc im fuckin behind him!! nooooo wayyyyyyyyyyy ahh this will cease to continue soon.. just watch =) alrightz ~ im jabbering on about a million things at once b/c this is late night hour thought. u know, the thinking going on in someone's head before going to bed.. bahh im full of things i wanna say but i jump from one thing to the next so fast i have no thoughts to elaborate. (i could.. but.. meh) i understand myself well enough to know what i typed abt and the feelings behind it.. even wehn it a phrase doesnt make sense to me. its all abt the feeling, dude. *cough* goodnight.

Nov. 18th, 2003.
i lost. i lost my own bet with myself. im going crazy again arent i.... !??!?!?

Nov. 17th, 2003.
just waiting for my friend to come pick me up. gonna go study like maaadddd omg midterm exam tomorrow im freaking out . i got my markslip for calc and almost cried. ahh .. but of course, big girls don`t cry. im done my snack . boy did i eat a lot of junk. i read a nice email 5 mins ago =) *sigh* [who do you tell.. ]

Oct. 29th, 2003
i just had the weirdest convo about brushin teeth . *cough*

Oct. 26th, 2003. 1:57am
stupid.......... when you`re in a hole.. don`t dig deeper. ur not getting anywhere. test was fun and hard. my cousins today were great. my nieces were too. i...... just get myself into trouble aaaaah i shouldnt blame anyone but myself. goodnight. (i can type fine.. hmm im fine but still digging...)

Oct. 20th, 2003.
ive been such a biitch to my friends lately. we havent chilled in at least 2 weeks. i havent returned calls.. or planned anything. i havent been ignoring people at school.. but just keeping conversations short. that was me since i turned 17. what a bummmer. need to get out. need to do something new. m`s friends go clubbing.. maybe one weekend i`ll give it a try. someone told me no fun w/o booze tho. we`ll see. hmmmm...... i went shopping and wanted to go home the other day. i dunno why this crappy feeling`s come over. baaaaaaaaad attitude that needs to change. tomorrow`s a new day. i`ll get some sleep... its 2:30 now hmm need to sleep. maybe i`ll dream of something nice.

Oct. 19th, 2003.
hmm im having a pretty boring weekend. went to class yest. morning and i thought i had a test so the night before i studied all night so that i only had 4 hrs of sleep. today i got 10 hrs so its all good. i went to hockey hall of fame yesterday coz i was dragged along. i dont even like hockey but i went and well...... meh. gonna go work on a project in half an hour . there`s not much to type abt right now .. i`ll come back later.

Oct. 15th, 2003.
its been so long since i've written here. hmm a whole week! it seemed longer. well im in great pain this week.. even now b/c my stomach feels like its gonna explode. i've got so much homework and stuff to do, and i was supposed to have already been caught up with the rest of the class. but i guess not. aaaaaand tomorrow's the chem test =( friday's the calc. test but i'm hoping to at least pass the calc. i am hoping soooooo much that chem will be alright. i know i've been slacking eventhough i told myself i wouldnt. well at least i've taken measures .. well started to. studying at the library really helps me a lot and so i'm hoping to go there almost everyday afterschool to study.. instead of at home. i love chatting and stuff.. but i cant ever get work done. mornings arent my greatest either. i take twice as long to do anything in the mornings. the past weekend was really lonely. i didnt hang out iwth any friends when i thought we'd at least go see a movie together. ah well.. maybe next weekend. tomorrow's thurs so on fri i'm hoping to do somehting ! my buddie told me last week that we were gonna hang out .. but i dunno if we are. i think im startin to like him. today this girl who's sat with us like 3 times came and i gave her my seat next to him. aaaaah and then i felt so jealous. she did want to play cards.. and i was going to leave the game to do work anyways. i dont think im connectingwith my new lunch crowd at all. we play cards and well their guy jokes arent as funny to me as to them. maybe its the extra rage that kicks in when someone's a sore loser. it fuckin pisses me off. i hope that things'll be better tomorrow. i have this tendency to keep things from other ppl.. even if they're my closest friends. i feel so guilty for not sharing.. but also i kno that i shouldnt share everything. so what's with all the guilt...... -___-

Oct. 7th, 2003.
so chicken.. need guts i'll do it soon. this week...... i gotta!! today's db practice.. first practice.. went...... horribly. oh gosh im glad im sore and felt pain but not a good turn out at all ~ i dunno what i'm gonna do. this is messed up its so much responsibility i dontknow i cant handle this.
i have no guts i need to shapen up, need to smarten up, need to stick up for myself now. this time i'm not kidding around, i've got this down, i'm gonna be tough and so here i go.
push off, let go... i'm ready for this world. no more shyness and more hypeness~ need action in this life, here i go here i go. cant be a wallflower no mo'.
thats my best attempt at lyrics hahahah ah well. did i ever say i sucked at english? i dont know how i'm gonna finish all this owrk.......... ahhhhhhh lab for tomororw gotta do prelab crap this is stupid i duno waht img onna go im tired.. so tired now . love this aching in my muscles. love this music i'm jamming to. but i hate stressin ' . . . what to do..... im hopin to go to the library to study tomorrow .. hmm hope that works. alright...... tomorrow.... "man up".... =)

Oct. 6th, 2003.
what a week...... well weekend. bday, catching up on work, slacking, catching up... hmm out for dindin with friends. fun~ i love my friends, my caring friends..... caring fam. is just as good..maybe better. but still.. so much stress. so much missed.... i don know if i've done enough in my 3 yrs of high school. i want to be able to say, i did everything ! hm wonder if my friend was serious abt throwing a party nexx fri. i soooo wanna go. im 17 and im reflecting upon so much lol i feel so old.. yet so inexperienced at the same time. im gonna work harder, make everyone proud. gotta cram like crazy tonite. well i have been everyday gosh i need to make up a real schedule or else im gonna explode AGAIN ahahah haiii -_- i can feel the coldness even indoors.. just by looking out the window. here comes another year.

Sept. 30th, 2003.
its the last day of september, the end of my first month at school. its been a pretty fast paced month with all the work, but way too slow with the friendships and all the social interaction and shit. i cant believe its been a month and i've still been an idiot. two days ago my "progress" punched me in the face. someone told me that he liked me, and instead of being flattered, i acted like a complete jerk and replied with: ARE YOU KIDDING? my gosh, im such a mean person sometimes. its been two days of class that i havent turned around to talk to him but in fact.. i dont give a damn. its a horrible attitude iknow, and its not helping to back myself up with my rude answer.. but really thats how i feel. i really dont care at the mo. maybe its because of all the extra stress loaded on because of tests and assignments, and not understanding calc ? i'm acting like a complete bitch lately and it may also be because i've had enough of takin so much shit from everyone and having to act like i'm lower than anyone else. my freaking friends arent even around to chat with half the time, even though i'd love to chill with them. nicole's been at camp for 2 days and im feeling terribly sad during lunch. .fuck. im supposed to be independent and shit but it doesnt look like it. i have to borrow other ppl's notes to catch up with the rest of the class, wait online for others to chat WITH me and apparantly i've gone back to feeling like i neeeed a great buddy to eat lunch with even though i sit with a bunch of "friends" anyways. *sigh* this better be a temporary bitch feeling, because i'm sure no one else is liking it either.

Sept. 23rd, 2003.
i get upset when i spend time filling out those stupid email surveys and then when i try to send it, after correcting me answers, it doesnt even send! stupid thing. i cant afford to even waste time today but somehow i manage to. i've got an eut tomorrow that i havent started. im supposed to be doing it right now. how am i supposed to concentrate in this crazy house. email's great.. but not enough to cheer me up right now. aaaaaaahhhhhh stupid stupid stupid. me . going. insane . ttul.

Sept. 21st, 2003.
went to a chinese place with my friends yesterday. omg that was a first. i was like....ewww.. chinese mall. but once the chinese food came it was all good. its sad.. food makes me happy. i accidentally said outloud that i wanted to be a food critique. hahah i cant write i'd suck so bad! ana called me after work today and asked me what the diff between life sci and health sci was. shit i dont know. i've got so much chem hw to do but im so tired. i found out jan quit or got fired a while ago. dammit there's nothing to hope for at pcw. im not getting a fucking raise so i'm leaving again.. but later. everyone at work is invited to the workparty on fri but me. i swear they hate me or something. how could jan leave without saying goodbye to me!?! what a bastard i cant believe this. i took the wrong path 2 times today while walking during work. im getting really distracted its crazy. i cant believe sg is on anti-depressants. i cant believe everything's so badly planned. i cant believe..... shit i'm stupid. k im getting off this rant is horrible it makes the least sense of all my rants. goodnight.

Sept. 19th, 2003. 7:30pm.
yesterday was friggin weird now that i think back. so weird. omg i cant believe he was at my doorstep .. and i dont regret what i did. fuck was that ever weird. i know i wanted a moment like that for a long time but come on! it has to be right and yesterday was so wrong. ew. couldnt it have been someone else? ahh if only i wasnt here that couldve happened with someone else. or could it? im still living in the past.. i know i shouldnt because its just going to ruin the present but i cant help it. my mind keeps drifting and i think ppl are starting to notice. lior asked me yesterday why i looked so sad. i didnt realize it showed and when nicole gave me a hug, it was comforting but it just made me sadder at the time. i dont want to be in a full year sad mode again. not while there's so much to do. but adjhfidfjdsds shoot im going in circles. this is stupid. my old hermit crowd is the same old same old. my new lunch friends are fun but its weird nothing's really changing around here. and i want them to but i dont . ahh i dotn know. i want both worlds to combine into one. thats it, i'm officially crazy. i better go study .

Sept. 19th, 2003.
hmm hurricane isnt bothering me, but its driving my mum insane i swear we`re going to have to nail planks of wood on our windows soon. lol. its not even gonna be big, but everything is so AHHH with them. i`m going out today i dont care. just.... needs 6 hrs of sleep first. *yawn* just finished replying emails to some good friends =) today was weird. i think he`s broken up w/ his girl coz i havent hugged him for a v long time. strange. hahaha i shouldn`t make assumptions but who cares. goodnite to me.

Sept. 16, 2003.
9:15pm. hahahah so weird i reply the email, finally.... and i get another one but from the other dude(tte)! ahhh and who jokes abt calling others heartbreakers. lol.

Sept. 16, 2003.
its 9:50 am. im going to school in ten minutes. there`s so much hw to do i cant believe im overloaded again. inssssssannnnnnnne in the membrane. ahhhhh i cant concentrate again. eeee..... i wanna watch oprah today but i cant T_T maybe someone would like to tape it for me. fdaoifadj;oidsfds stupid what am i talking abt. i love summer. i love summer. its too cold right now im wearin a sweater... supposedly there`s a hurricane coming our way this week. (??) sure. it cant be that bad... we`re lucky here we have everything nice and perfect.. hapyy happy aaaaah..... i guess we do need more than stuff to keep us happy. give me some leisure time. more. more . more ahhh i hate getting into hw mood. its fine when its the middle of the day and ur really into a good question but come on!! i have no motivatin i need to move next to a library. ahdsjfodifjasdf why am i complainaoidsofjodijfdosifd again.... its weird this morning i was talkin to myself in the mirror. i was told once that a lot of ppl to that... but i dunno its weird . . . im weird.

Sept. 15th, 2003.
ahhhh my internet`s working again. it didnt work yesterday and i didnt get to reply that wonderful letter. i knew what i wanted to say, i was eager to get home and fix this stupid prob... but an hour ago when everything started working again, my mind goes blank and i cant type . . . this is ludacris. how can i be out of ideas. there were so man earlier. and i really REALLY want to type back. this dude in class asked me if i was alright today. until then i didnt realize my eyes were watery and that it was almost the end of class. jason came upto me today, and told me to thank someone for him. my question was why and his answer was extremely touching, i almost cried. i dont know why im moody today but i spent my lunch alone and maybe i just need someone to talk to today. *sigh* k in my head, every subject i mention connects somehow and very nicely. so if it comes out funny to you, mister reader, well too baaaaad .

Sept. 14th, 2003.
Ah je ne peux vivre sans toi
Et je ne peux vivre avec toi
Mais tu peux très bien vivre sans moi
Je suis foutu dans les deux cas
-too bad for who?!!? =P

in the a.m.
omg i love email. i looooooooove email =) so happyyyyyy happy happy. im goin to sleep happy tonite. what a good day. went to pcw w/ my parents, got to see lotr and orlando bloom *drools* and then ....... emails =) eeeeeeee..... i love email.

Sept. 11th, 2003.
funky dream last night. lol. school`s a pain these days. killer quizzes and too much hw. too many luxuries at home that are distractions. i wish i lived closer to the library then i`d have better study habits. i`ve been on the comp for 3 hrs when i told myself only half an hour. replying emails and stuff takes times.. but i never consider the number of ppl who are online that i`d love to chat with. aah. this shouldnt happen b/c it just shows i have no motivation. crap. well im gettin off now! no buts or anything ! (well actually im getting tired.) k goodnight! =)

Sept. 10th, 2003.
5:00pm.
Depuis le premier jour J`ai su que je t`aimais Contre la terre entière
...
Au fond de ton hiver Penses-tu encore à moi Pourquoi tu ne m`écris pas? Tu es ma seule lumière Je deviens étrangère À tout ce qui m`entoure
- - - still daydreaming about u... =( had a popsicle today and thought abt u. got home and took out my chem. thought abt u. turned on the tv. thought abt u.
how long will this last?

Sept. 8th, 2003.
what a relaxing day. i slept in, had fun in class, had fun during lunch, and went home to pig out on food. sanna called today i`m so glad. and..somewhere in between i actually did work, but im still not done. nothing major to finish though, just lil assignments and a few hw ques left. nothing i cant finish during other classes or lunch tomorrow =) i`m so tired right now maybe i should sleep... but i hate sleeping with wet hair. blowdrying hair all the time sucks and i like letting it dry on its own. hahah my sis did this awesome hairdo on me today after i got home but it killed like mad everytime she yanked and pulled at the strands. like, u know ur pulling too hard when the scalp starts to bleed lol. its not that i didnt feel pain.. its just... if u twist and wiggle the pain increases so i shut up. lol.
there are these two guys in my chem class which i`m sure are brothers who have lunch the period after chem class. i have lunch the same time as them. well last week i sat with some friends at the table next to theirs. since our tables like connect, its pretty distracting for one group of ppl to do work beside others who are sooo loud. so i notice the two bros sitting together by themselves and us (well i was eating so me and maybe like 1 other are excluded) making tons of racket dont seem to be botherin them. but as soon as i got my books out to try and do work across from them, they gave me a look.. spoke something in german and then left. i feel bad that they dont want to hang out with other ppl. i mean i`ve got less rowdy friends that i could introduce them to.. the ones who sit in front of the library everyday (which is totally cool with me, they`re still awesome). but i mean.. if they were gonna leave because of the noise level, they shouldve left earlier. im sure they didnt get up and leave on purpose just coz i sat down.its no like i take it personally but its bad timing ! lol. im sharing this lil story because .. i guess i`ve bonded with another group of friends during lunch instead of my usual group and things are different. i laugh more, almost to the point of tears. hanging out with guys is a lot looser and well they`re immature but its cool. its just soo.. tight with friends lately and really, i love my friends but i mean for the past 3 yrs every lunch period has been with certain ppl and always with only those ppl. and its like.. if ur not there with them (not that we`re obligated to) there`s some questoins u know? argg.. all groups are like that. so in the end, im back to going from group to group. actually its more complicated. i mean, most people have a "group". and i do. im in one. during classes.. i`m most likely paired with ppl from my "group".. but to have friends in other groups is hard. although everyone knows this,im stating this to just .. well im just pointing it out. well im glad that i`ve finally found time to really bond with other ppl during lunch. at the same time, i`m missing my old friends who sit at the same place during lunch, expecting me, or not, to join them for lunch.
i noticed that everytime im alone and without anything i NEED to concentrate on, for instance a lesson, my mind drifts off and i think abt ... summer.. or fun things and so if u just see me smiling or think im lost in my own world.. its all good stuff. lol. i saw a poster today pasted on a locker about going on a trip to montreal for $350 during the march break. i`d love to go.. but i mean.. without my quebec friends it`ll be diff. and plus.. its to montreal not quebec city. i think i`ll keep my fingers crossed that the whalewatching trip is under $300 this year and that we`re stopping by quebec city. omg even for just an hour or something.. i`d love it so much.

Sept. 6th, 2003.
hahahhaha funny wat just happened. omg well im no longer unemployed. hahah. ive got too much school work i better start it today. eeeesh so much. k im gonna study! for once! on a saturday! this is really hard...... hahahah *cries* alright karen, "man up"... funny.. i can still hear his voice.. *smiles*

Sept. 4th, 2003.
had a horrible afternoon and night.. just.. felt so crappy i dunno maybe its the weather. well we went tv shoppin today it was blah and i was hungry.. and didnt get to finish all my work before i left aand and and anddddddddddd....... k i`ll shut up. i dont make any sense right now. since like fourth period i`ve got this pissed off feeling. and i dont kno waht the heck im pissed at. but its like...... argg im sure other girls can relate to this. like when you just have the urge to cry. not because there`s actually something to cry about but just because! this is hard to explain. but ahhh i cant help it if im moody all week.
k im really going now. hhmmmmppppph.

Sept 3rd, 2003.
8:15pm. do i ever hate school! sat there in chem and didnt kno waht we were doing. had lunch without my bestest buds and so i sat with other ppl =( world issues was fun but then ugh..... went to calc and that just sucked. i cant stand sitting where i do. and so i went home, watched oprah, and fell asleep for two hours. i`ve just finished dinner and im starting my homework. man, im still so tired!! hope everyone else had a better day than i did. couldnt stop thinking abt the summer today. i really miss steve even after 3 weeks. he`s my inspiration to do well this year. if he can balance partyin and school, he`s one helluva guy.

Sept 3rd, 2003.
its 12:50 am right now and i just finished my homework. omg i hate getting home late from volunteering and then waiting an hour for dinner and its like.. during that hour u barely get any work done. and of course, when you eat dinner in any chinese family u wait for everyone and then u take your time and then wash dishes after so how much time does that take!??! a whole damn lot! well i like my classes i guess. and i like my lunch. so whatever. gonna go enjoy more later. sleep time now. goodnight.

Sept 1st, 2003.
wow i suck at drivin omg im never gonna get my license. daddy took me out to practice and i almost smashed the car again! lol. was supposedto goout today.. but ah well. guess not. really wanted to see my friends though. well tomorrow school starts and so there`s no more time to be bored or anything. gonna do my best this year. this weather is so shietty right now i cant believe its still summer. well .... sorta. its cold. i want a sweater. i want a nice navy blue fleece tommy steater like his lol. maybe i should ask him to just mail it to me.

August 29th, 2003.
had a good night.. realized how much i didnt know about ppl even when i thought i knew them so well. people keep so much from the outside world and even from friends who they would trust with anything. its sad the way i found out all that info but fukk i dont know. and others who say that ranting on their page helps relieve stress or shit.. but really even with a page, who tells all!? no one. and whoever does is an arse coz there are always issues that arent even meant for others to hear. im just glad my friends trust me so much, because i do trust them. i found out who most of my BEST friends were, and who were my "good friends" . there is a big difference between them and i feel bad for saying this, but well there`s no other time.
i should`ve missed more people when i left this summer.
like it wasnt enough, and that`s what upsets me. well i dont know if anyone will understand what i`ve jus typed but it all makes sense to me. goodnight. its 1:20am and i`m tired for once. see you tomorrow my friends.

August 27th, 2003. in the pm.
hah. dont we all love learning experiences? i`ve kept myself busy the past couple days and i`m glad. i know i was a big shiittalker before and well i dont apologize, i`m just stating it. i wasnt a shiet talker, the type who talked about others, but of myself is what i mean. i would always say .. so and so needed to be done and that i`d do it, but u kno what? in the end nothing happened. all there was, was disappointment from not having anything done. this summer really kickedsome sense into me. there was one person in particular that i recall having a quick conversation with just a bit more than half a year ago. it was over icq and well i dont talk to him often. this convo really sticks out because it was late at night and after reading what he typed me i was crying and couldnt stop and for me that isnt normal. oh who gives a fukk i can say names. and if ever you come across my page, aaron, i send you a million thanks. alright, i`m going to get back to my "to do" list and get busy.

August 27th, 2003.in the am.
27 eh.. my lucky number. hope good stuff happens today. lol. im trying to gather all the songs from this summer from the trip and make acd right now. i`ve only got 13 songs so far ! noo... i dont like wasting cds. there has got to be more songs. i`ve realized this is the summer i`ve been the happiest. there hasnt been muchcomplaining. when i WAS sad steve always cheered me up. and im so grateful for getting to know him. i know that i needed this summer bad. when i got home today i had a good refresher of why i left and how even though i seemed fine, inside i couldnt take it anymore. being here was just too much (and also that it was time that i did something that i`ve wanted to do for so long). when you`ve been hit hard about something personal, it hurts and it digs deep. so deep that even now it affects me. i dont know why people say such hurtful things. i dont even know how to comfort ones that are hurt. how can i sit back and watch what happened to me happen all over again? not exactly, but being put ina similar situation. fuck i dont know how i`m supposed to deal with this. but even as i type this, i`m not depressed. i`m actually content even though i`m crying. hah. crying again, my gosh i`m such a girl. its been two weeks and i still miss the exchange. i should stop looking at all the pictures that were sent by mail this afternoon. *sigh* i dont want to forget anything. damn my short term memory.

August 26th, 2003.
been busy catching up with friends the past couple days since i got back from bc. skool starts on tues and im busy till then! omg im getting worried about marks. i talked to steve yesterday and it was really *sigh* still miss him. i got a cd in the mail today from the exchange program and it was so nice.. i almost cried when i saw the pics. my photo album is full though i havent finished with it. im ready to coach db next year and well everything is planned. after this summer i think im ready for anything.

August 14h, 2003.
its12:24am. im usually fast asleep at this time, being used to sleeping early for work the next morning. i miss everything so much. i miss tommy so much. i miss steven so much more.

August 12th, 2003.
so ... wow these past couple days. ive been having dreams that take place in quebec andwith tommy and steven and maddy.. so weird. when i woke up this morning it took a couple seconds for me to realize i was home. i miss my bro and tommy so much. wish my trip was longer. maybe i can visit them sometime later on....... the sooner the better omg it was weird... when i was at the train station everyone was cryin and i didnt cry. when i got home and was just chilling i started to cry ... talk about delayed reaction! hahahaha. i wanna get my other roll of film developed and see my friends................ aaaaaaaaarrrg... well yeah. since i got home i havent really unpacked coz on fri we`re leaving for vancouver so like whats the point.. and today i chilled with some of my girls and watched pirates!! finally! omg i waited likeayear to see that and when it did come out i was in frenchland.. eee.. so i liked it a lot. tonite im going to see bad boys 2. yay. and tomororw its pcw .. me gonna chill with jenny =) yaaaay fun stuff before i leave! thurs im not sur if im doing anything during the day.. so if anyone wants to take me out im in! ~
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ALRIGHT EVERYTHING WRITTEN BELOW WAS WRITTEN WHILE I WAS THERE.

August 10th, 2003.
it`s 1:15 am right now. im waiting for another 2 hrs until we leave for the train station.
the gala last night was soooooooo fun. we heard the lady from montreal.. the big boss.. tommy`s boss .. give a lil speech about the program. it almost made me cry. we watched all the performances done by every riding group and i think ours and beauport`s were the best. beauport was lucy`s group and francis sang and played the guitar. soo cool. so yeah last night our dance and song went well. me and maddy did the intro in front of all 250 ppl. i didnt notice but madeleine pointed out that when tommy came to ask us to do the intro, he wasnt asking her at all. he was asking me! eee.. and he gave us each a personal card. we werent allowed to open it until we got home! so.. mine WAS pretty personal indeed! i talked to maddy and she said that hers wasnt. so i guess i was just one of the lucky ones? i dunno. and when i was at the train station just 3 hrs ago to pick up marie-andrée, he was giving me funny looks. well yeah last night i went to bed at like 3 coz i was writing tommy a letter. he better appreciate it man! it cut into sleeping time =) woke up at 11am and went shopping with lucy and maddy in vieux québec for the last time. we went to simons! i got funky underwear! its funky coz its french ;) well i got a gift and card and wrote a letter to my parents thanking them for everything. and of course, the cool souvenirs. im starting a shotglass collection as of now. lol. ok ok okkkkkkkk so we picked up marie-a and she is home wtih her friend right now talking abt stuff so .. i`ll go talk with her later. she told me some stories already .. haha the one abt maddy`s mom omg. we looked at each others photos and talked a bit more. steven came up and gave me a handshake. i turned it into a hug somehow =) hahah knowing me, anything`s possible. but he wasnt wearing a shirt coz he came out of the shower . sweet. lol. now he`s in bed coz he`s gotta work at burger k. tomorrow morning at 6. he`s been working from 5:30am a lot.. its funny how all of a sudden he starts at 6. ok so yeah eric is sleeping. last time i saw him was this evening when we went out to dinner. mmm....... buffet. but i cant believe he slapped my *ahem* when i last saw him. hahahahaah i can laugh anything off coz i rule. and serge i wont see coz he`s pickin up his mum from montreal coz the parents and grandma are going on a nature vacation for a couple days next week. haha sure, that`ll be fun. living with no....... well nothing! omg i dont know how ppl do it. yah so marie-a is so cool ! i wanna keep in touch with the family when i get back =) and i know im staying in touch with maddy after the summer! we`re not drifting like back in gr. 9.. not again! we`ll bond some more on the 10 hr train ride back to toronto. its not that long.. i mean lucy.. she lives in vancouver and she`s on the train for 4 days straight. can you say INSANE!?! haaaaiiiii -_-;; hope i can keep in touch with her. im gonna try to call her up in the 604 when i go to vancouver on the 15th =) yaaay! what a summer. well im extremely tired. its 1:32am right now. just staring at the screen.. with the lay i gave steven beside me.. haha i ``layed`` him again today coz i found it while packing. i gave back his books and his sweater! nooo.... the sweater! it was so comfy . alrighty im tired. i think i said that already. well this trip has been awesome. im all for another exchange if my parents would ever let me go again. i've made lots of friends, had good laughs, and i got photos to prove i went camping. this summer has been one to remember and my favourite one yet.

August 8th, 2003.
it was my last day at work today. kids were cute. we played with more glitter glue heheh i havent seen so much glitter in a kid`s mouth before. before i left the lil girl marianne came and sat in my lap it was cute. and i sat next to david while he fell asleep. so adorable. i remember earlier this week when he took my hand and fell asleep holding it. so cute omg. i talked with my boss for like 15 mins about the trip after i got my last paycheck. apparantly my 4% of my $$ earned that im supposed to get back is already in my paycheck....ah duh........ sure. im waiting until the gala starts. omg i havent started packing but i cant coz i just............. CANT OK i dont feel like it but im bored. gala gala eeeeeee....... dun wanna sing in front of 250 ppl!! danser, danser, je voudrais danser........ =) lol. i sing just for fun. ppl are gonna be covering their ears. well no one fun is home a.k.a partyboy so im just gonna go cry. jks jks ok me type more later.

August 7th, 2003.
picked up my photos at walmart last night from this trip. eee..... three rolls full and i didnt take enough of my fam so weird. i got really nice pics from tadoussac tho so im happie. and i look like shit in all the pics with me in it but who cares.. it was fun. my ``mum`` took some of the pics with me in it coz i got doubles but i hesitated on the one she took with just me coz i look sooo bad i wanna like take it back lol. at work it felt so blah i dunno the kids are just stupid now they dont stop biting each other. but before i left i walked into the nursery and felt better to see lil baby faces covered in chocolate. that lady josée is the only one i like there, i bet she`s a mother. so it was my second last day today. getting my last paycheck tomorrow so hope it all goes well coz i dun think im coming back anytime soon to fix lil probs with work! hahah. called tommy when i got home. we`re practicing our dance/singing tonite at the place he rented out again. ee.... my voice sucks i dun wanna sing anymore. well i should start packing tomorrow. dunno if i`ll have enough time on sat to do it all. tomorrow`s the big daaaayy....... eeeeeee.... i took another look at what im wearing for the gala last night, and eww i dont like it. all photos taken tomorrow must be from the waist up coz i said so!! lol. the scars on my feet from hollie`s party are still there. yuck. i duno what else to type right now coz im a lil bored. bros are sleeping. mum doing something upstairs. i dun wanna wake bros up if i watch a movie but..... i really wanna watch ok me gonna keep the volume down.

August 6th, 2003.
i woke up thinking i would be early for work today. but i always do this stupid thing where when my alarm clock rings, i turn it off and go right back to sleep no matter how far i place the clock from me. so eric drove me this morning which is weird in the car coz he`s only driven me twice and last time was freaky .. so when i get out he gives me a pat on the back. creeeepyyy i dunno i was tired at the time so i didnt care but right now im thinking abt it and its weird. second.. i got my second last paycheck today and it was a big one. there`s this section that says i got paid like $60 for one hour and i dont know where that came from but heck, im not complaining abt getting extra cash. yesterday was weird. eric was yelling again and i was in a crying mood.. i tried to explain that to steven but he`s a guy so in his words.. «man up» .. he just doesnt understand -_-;; well anyways i went to my room and put on my hat. amazingly that helped a lot! and when i couldnt sleep last night i put on the sweater and i fell asleep right away. is this a bad thing.. that i need objects to comfort me?? and today was a crappy ass day at work.. one of the worst and when i got home and looked at my paycheck i felt happier. maybe.. it was just coz i was in the house? i dont know.. but i know im not feeling like shit coz im homesick. i dont get homesick, period. u know what bugs me, having to find the toilet seat up. i never understood why girls complained so much, and thats because at my real home my dad has been whooped and we`re all girls minus him. but it really annoys me. guys use the toilet seat down once in a while too! they can learn. its not that hard . arg dammit when i get married my husband better do things my way or else. and i looked into steven`s room yesterday .. like i pass it a million times but i never noticed all the clothes everywhere. omg i swear.. things would change here if i was on this trip for longer. lol. ``i know what i want and i want it now. i want you..... `` omg he got it stuck in my head all day. and just before i got on the comp he walks in and sees my gala info sheet for this friday and asks if i had a date. *ahem* i thought he wasnt a player.

August 4th, 2003.
i had a pretty fun day even tho i didnt get to do anything real special. at the daycare i was with this new lady and she didnt know what to do at all it was so bad. she like couldnt control the kids at all and i yelled at one today for pinching this lil girl, mariane, that is always with me so i was pissed and the girl pinched marianne till she bled so man.. what a stupid daycare worker i was with who didnt even notice until i yelled. work went by pretty fast today even tho it was raining. we made crowns and there`s glitter all over my t-shirt lol. when i got home steven was home so we talked and then he came into my room for the first time and listened to some k. hiphop that i brought and he was lying on my bed and i was thinking.. i hope his clothes are clean. lol. well i folded two loads of laundry before he got in my room. then when i was talking on the phone with maddy after dinner, he comes in and my music`s playing and well we love to dance but he came in and did this ass dance in my face and i was laughing so hard but it was gross yet funny. yeah. he showed me his yearbook from the states and wow i didnt know a skool needed 3 cheerleading teams for one skool. there were also like pages full of king&queen for this and that event. omg its so weird compared to the rhhs yearbooks. then he showed me his pics from all 5 proms he went to. i was like.. dang, ur such a player. and well the story abt that girl who likes him came out mahahahah i didnt even have to bring it up myself. he did it for me and so i got to ask and talk to him about it. when he left to go drinking, i finally replied all my emails. well i dont understand why he drank like 5 beers before he left if he`s going out to get drunk. my goodness. ok so yeah chatting was lots of fun and watching tv at the same time. i had trouble waking up this morning so since its almost 11pm and i havent showered, i think i`ll go to bed now. goodnight.

August 3rd, 2003.
wowowowowww what an awesome weekend! on friday maddy and i had another sleepover. i picked her up at like 9pm and we watched fireworks in lévis. then we drove to my area and were dropped off at the festival. it sucked for a festival but maddy and i had a beaver tail.. this greasy french food. mmmm..... and so we just walked around for 2 hrs and went to bed. yesterday, sat., we went to the biggest waterpark in canada. it didnt seem that big coz there werent that many waterslides but i guess it gets its largeness from the rafting area. we didnt go rafting but it was still LOTS of fun. im so tanned.. so dark .. eww. omg scary thing happened. i was in line for this waterslide with maddy and well maddy told me after we got off.. that while we were in line the old geezer behind me was trying to look down my bathing suit top!! yuck!! im surprised i didnt feel icky geezer breathing on me.. trying to look over. *barf* what a sicko. but of course nothing ever ruins my appetite. for dinner tommy was on the grill and cooked us hotdogs.. hahah so jokes. our group practiced our song for the gala.. im singing! yaaaay .. singing in french. so much fun. ok then afterwards lucy, maddy, vanessa and i took a walk and then hopped on the tourist bus and then joined in on a volleyball game. that doesnt sound like much sense but it does to me!! anyways, it was fun. we got back and slept in tipis!! TIPIS!! wooooooot!! ~ it was pretty cool. this morning while we were packing our stuff and getting everything out of the tipis, this dude comes out of nowhere and starts talking to me and maddy. we were just making polite conversation but he was creeping us out. so while maddy was walking away real fast, he asks me for my number *barf* and then came tommy to the rescue!! he was my knight in shining armour for the day. he told off the guy and wouldnt let him get my number or email and made the dude give his to me instead, just because tommy`s a nice guy. so i took it and then when the dude left i threw it out. tommy was cool he was like, je ne veux pas te chier, mais.. hahahah. omg it was great. soooo.. all afternoon today we went shopping and i got a cool bucket hat from the gap =) i love my hat. and then i got a french shirt! finally!! now my goal has been completed. lol. i also got souvenir crap and then a blouse for the gala. hope it matches my skirt. eee... well when i got home i had a ``chinese`` dinner and then called home. im going to vancouver 5 days after i get back from this trip!! SIIIIIIICK summer ! =)

July 31st, 2003.
work this week so far is meh. tommy came by twice and visited me again.. at such bad times again too! always when im cleaning........ t_t well yesterday when he came by we didnt talk as much as usual and then he was like........ anything else you wanna say? and it was a weird pause.... like an awkward pause and i didnt know what to say so i just saw i kid running down the hall and picked her up and then when i got back to tommy like 5 secs later it was easier to say bye. geez.. so weird. after work yesterday ..hmm.. weds.. well i went swimming in the pool for like 5 minutes and then got embarressed coz the neighbours came out and sat on their porch staring at me. but i only went coz steven was tired of hearing me complain about how hot it was and then he gave me an ice pak. well really it was coz i tripped again and banged my knee. ok so last night maddy just shows up after dinner and drags me to the ``festival de quebec``. it turns out it was a fireworks show at ``les chutes momoroncy`` or however you spell it. for fireworks, it sucked. maddy and i got lost after going to the washroom so we watched the fireworks by ourselves instead of with her jackass bro and his friend, and her parents. i swear i wanna kick him in the nuts for being so immature in the van yesterday. so we got home pretty late and i was so tired today. i woke up this morning having only 15 mins to get ready. it was horrible. after work i went swimming in the pool.. but this time the mum was outside too but not swimming.. so i made her pass me my shades and a book =D got into the house at 4:30pm and showered. ate.. left for the cruise.. and almost missed it! i got there at exactly 6pm when the ferry was scheduled for 6pm. phew. i rule coz i made it ! heheh.. yah so we took a ferry to quebec city and then went on the cruise. sooo nice =) we danced all night to some funky music. i wish it was better tho... and when the slow songs came on.. v_v maddy was so bummy at that point too. we were both moping for like 15 mins. i had a pretty weird time before i started the fun tonite. sat with tommy for like an hour and talked .. was .. weird.. and then he kept smoking omg i coughed so much. but i guess its my fault for telling him the smoke didnt bother me. ah well. he poked me on the ferry ride home and i like slapped him.. so bad... but then i got to give him a hug afterwards lol. so it was cool. omg he was so stressed coz we missed the ferry ride and then the parents who were waiting to pick us up had to wait for another hour for the next ferry. no one was mad tho so i hope he`s cool with everything tomorrow. im tired.. got home at 12 something and steven just came home. i should never look in his room again with the door open. lol. omg i need to have a lil chat wif him or something. that date he went on sunday was with this girl that`s been liking him for so long but he has no guts and cant tell her off. sheeesh .. he went to her prom with her!! they dont even go to the same skool.. i feel so bad for her. so good thing he forgot to take me on sunday or else i would`ve been really uncomfortable talking to her. she would like bitch slap me or something lol. jks. ok well tomorrow maddy`s sleeping over so i hope everything goes well. hope we`ll go out and have some fun!! i love fun..... want more fun. ok me tired. sooooooooo tired. goodnight.

July 27th, 2003.
the first week of work at LA BRINDILLE was meh. tommy came by twice to visit me but at such bad times! i was like on my hands and knees scrubbing stupid shelves and toys. well there`s nothing to tell about weds because i did nothing except complain about how bored i was. so the following day, thursday, steven suggests driving me to maddy`s house. hey, totally cool for me. it rained all week so imagine being stuck indoors for so long. well i got to maddy`s after dinner, which steve made (not bad) and we walked to the pharmacy and picked up hair dye and then rented a movie. we watched training day (omg it was good) but didnt have enough time to dye her hair coz it was late. it was late and i didnt have a ride back home! my parents went with judy and rick to montreal. the parents from pennstate were just passing a day with my ``parents`` before they went all the way back to penn. so when i finally gave up on calling for a ride home, steve comes to the door and picks me up. we switched cars at eric`s work coz steve did this complicated plan to take and drop off the car taht eric needed for the nexx morning. well, it was complicated. by the time i got home, my mom was standing at the door waiting for us. she was pretty pissed i felt so bad. and u know she`s pissed when she talks abt it the next day to eric, and he wasn`t even part of anything. fri after work i knew i was going to maddy`s for the night so i showered when i got home. stupid... eric bangs on the door : karen, je pars en 5 - 10 mins! craaaaaaaaaaaaaaap... i never packed so quickly . i didnt even have my shoes on.. he threw them in the car to save time. so we rushed to the ministry of transportation to renew his driver`s license coz it was closing and then we got food to eat. we stopped by the convenience store coz i was thirsty and i dont kno why but i asked for booze and he actualy said yes to it. according to him, it was for maddy and i. *ah hem* sure. well at maddy`s we were supposed to meet up with debbie. DEBBIE!! from gr. 8 at baps =) i was so excited. she was stayin in quebec city for the weekend coz she was on her way to gaspé. so we were gonna see her after the concert/show that tommy arranged for everyone. only 3 ppl show tho, maddy and i, plus vanessa. tommy was there but i felt so bad for him coz he sat by himself behind us. arrrr.. he stole the old man`s seat next to me but gave it back once the show started. the old man was creepy!! ewwww.... yah so the show was .. okay.. and when we got back it was too late to hang out with debbie and too late to dye hair. on saturday our planned activity was to plant trees in the poorer region of quebec city. because of rain, it was cancelled and tommy drove maddy and i back to her place. we called up debbie and well she went out so we never did chill with her. i dyed maddy`s hair instead and then we took the bus to the mall. i bought nice shades and a purse. woohoooooooo it was a good day. maddy didnt wanna stay at her place for the night so she slept over on sat night. we watched movies all night and woke up at 10am. hahaha thats the most we`ve slept in this summer... so sad. so she`s over in the other room right now coz we watched tv all morning and im here typing this. later when steven gets back from work im supposed to go to a movie with him. but what bugged me was that he`s going with some other chick and invited me. i cant intrude a date!! maybe i`ll just.... sit at the other end of the theatre. hey, i still wanna go! i havent see a movie in theatres for a while.. and did i mention how boring it gets with rain?? lol. man, i wonder how tonight`s gonna go. well, maddy`s prolly real bored.. im gettin off for now.

July 22nd, 2003.
i`d say today was a good day to get to know everyone. i was working with the 3 yr old kids today and they`re already stuck to me like glue. i even know the names of all the kids in the group i was in today =) so proud *pat pat* right after work i was picked up (for once!) and we drove home to pick up steven. my parents, steven, steve`s host parents from penn, and i went to old quebec. it was my third time ^^ but it was my first time going there by ferry. was......... meh for the ride there when i didnt talk much with anyone. i finally took pics of the family and one with me with the parents. got lots of pics of steve tho he hates being in them. hahahah no smile half the time =T yah so we talked soo much today coz the parents were talking bout boring stuff and he picked me a ``flower`` and serenated to me in the car lol so jokes. for dindin i had a poutine!! hhahahah oh gosh its my 4th one since this trip`s started. we got back at half at 10pm so im pretty exhausted from all the walking we did. my feet are hurting from the walk and from the bites coz im stupid and i stratched them. ok well i better sleep. niiiite.

July 21st, 2003.
the weekend went by pretty quickly, im amazed. adam`s gone.. he left yesterday before i even got home from montreal. hahah when i saw him fri night before bed he was so drunk.. lol. well yah took some pics so hopefully they turn out good. for sat. and sun, i almost finished a roll of film .. cant wait to develop em! we went to a flowergarden, on a cruise, and sunday we went shopping. sat night was shit tho because this one girl didnt want to see pirates of teh carribean and well it really pissed me off because stores arent open at night so what else is there to do when you`re given 4 hrs of free time.... stupid. we stayed at mcgill uni`s rez dorms! it was so coooo =) after we got back from roaming the streets maddy streaked her hair. i wus supposed to do it but i chickened out because i`ve never done fine streaks before, only chunky. so i let hollie do it. but the nexx day it didnt turn out.. so i think i`ll do it for maddy this week if we get together. so sun. we shopped ALL day. im so happie i bought these awesome capries. soo kyooooote. when steven came to pick me up on sun afternoon.. we drove to another car in the parking lot and met his friend. hahahah so jokes i cant believe he was there for that reason. lol ~ in the evening i met my mom`s parents and sister. coo. but i had to sit there after dessert because it`d be impolite if i just left. so they jabbered on until like .. late and i finally got to stretch and run to my room. =) so... like today was like my first day at work again and i did paperwork.. all classifying and photocopying! omg i dont wanna do it again. its a big....... tiring and gets me all aggravated coz u do the same stuff over and over and oooover again!!!!!!!!! and i cant read my boss` handwriting, which doesnt help much. my bros are downstairs cleaning right now.. im doing my laundry coz the file.. i mean pile is getting huge. damn i dunt wanna work tomorrow......... and my feet are still hurting. they are sooooooo red omg its been 3 days and i still cant put my shoes on properly. [7:08pm] i just remembered when my bros talked to me abt their neighbourhood.. and according to my mom everyone in this town listens to rap music. hahahaha. so i guess im in the ghetto turfs of the eight three baabyyyyyyy =) represent! south side. maaaaaaaad jokes yo. imma bounce now. [9:00pm] steve`s host parents from his trip to pennsylvania last year are here. he went for like 10 months or sumfin and came back sometime before the time i came here. they`re really nice. we were watchin a video of lil baby steve for like an hour .. so cute. i saw marie-a as a baby too =) sooooooooooo adorable! omg i wish i was as cute as her when i was that little. i wus just a fat baby.. reeeeeeaaaaal fat ~ hehehh. well the parents are staying until sat.. and going sightseeing of everything i did for the past 3 weeks, all crammed into 1, including tadoussac! sooo cool =) i hope they have fun.

July 18th, 2003.
i had this funky dream last night that on the exchange, i was working at tim hortons. and on my first day the boss was yelling at me like mad and i was all upset... and other stuff. so weird. i told the dream to eric and he laughed at me. i find it weird that when i wake up, my bro eric is sitting there eating breakfast with me. he works night shifts and well .. im used to eating breakfast alone. im glad someone loves me. lol. neways i dont wanna work at la brindille anymore. i wanna stay at la bichonette!! the kids love me there now.. and gerome.. this new kid who`s the smallest one there is like attached to me. he came yesterday and my arms are killing from carrying him everywhere =) but its soo cute.. coz he doesnt like sand. so we`re in the backyard of the daycare, and there`s really nothing much to do except play on the playground or play in the sand. and he`s too small for all the lil bikes in the caban so.. *ah hem* yeah it was super cute carrying him and just spending all day with practically a baby. the kids woke up during nap time toady and all wished me goodluck at la brindille. Elle even came around from the other group and sat in my lap for a good 20 mins .. so i left late. but who cares! they`re soooooooo cute. it makes me wanna be a teacher or something. soo... after work today i went to place laurier again, but this time didnt shop much. i just went in all the stores and found out its gonna be impossible for me to find pants, esp. with these short legs. they dont carry any pants with length 30. stupid bums. well my camera battery was dying so i bought a new one! woohoo for shopping. cant wait till tomorrow =) yah so i shopped alone while steve and his friend adam from the states went somewhere and we met up later. steve drove and well he sucks! but still better than me.. but he`s older than me by a year and 5 months.. coz his bday`s feb something, 1985.. so yeah he should be a better driver. but then again.. he did go on his exchange to penn state.. hmm. im getting off topic again. ok so once i got home, we had pizza and i went off to hollie`s party. she`s this girl in my student exchange group. i didn`t talk to her until tonight! omg after her ``twin`s`` friends came and took us to the forest to get drunk, hollie was drunk after only one beer. i had to drag her arse out of the water when she fell in. i only had one coz it tasted horrible. i hate molson ex. and plus she`s making me pay for my share so screw that.. im not drinking shit like that if i gotta pay. lol. this girl alex in my group got drunk only after 2 beers. what`s with these girls? i feel better knowing that there are ppl with lower tolerance than me. heh. and also i only drank startin last week.. so yah. *pat pat* im good. lol. the guys there, abt like 6-8 of them were all like 15 turning 16. except this one guy.. he was cute.. he was my age but im older than him by a month =) too bad he doesnt live closer to me. i talked to him for like half the night too.... blarg. daaamnn no one lives in my city! not even maddy. =T i cant stop coughing, not even today. and the campfire didnt help at all. i just hope after i finish my medication, which`ll be tomorrow, my cough will be gone. if not.. daaamn.
(aa stuff) July 18th, 2003. went to hollie`s party this evening.. it started off really cute, coz the mom was arranging games, and then it sucked coz in the forest after we left.. the molson ex i drank was shit (btw im never havin that ever again. gimme somefin else), and then after i talked to some of the guys, and after we went down to the water, hopping rocks, it got so much better. hollie was so drunk, i dont even know how. she only had 1 beer. and alex..wtf... thats nothin. and they know their limits too.. meaning they`ve drank before and should have a higher alc. tolerance than me. stupid . . . arg my feeet are completely mosquito bitten its sick to look at them. no wonder they itched so much.. there are at least 15 bites ! and my toes are still hurting from when i stubbed em doing a flip on Dana`s trampoline. neways my bro is out clubbing with adam.. dammn..... i should be there . lol. ah well maybe nexx weekend.

July 17th, 2003.
what a weird day. at work it was soooo cute omg we went to the ice cream parlour. but these are lil toddlers! so we had to put bibs on all of them that had the name and phone number of the daycaer =) awwwwwww.... u should`ve seen them. we also had to make the bigger ones hold hands.. and i wagoned the smallest ones. when lil kids eat ice cream.. oh... they dont just eat it.. they drool on it. hahaha somehow ice cream gets in their hair, and hats, and dresses! eee..... so adorable. i had to wipe so many dripping chins and faces =) my boss paid me a week`s worth in cash today coz i asked for it. omg i didnt know it`d be so much.. so now i gotta carry around all this cash while in my bank account, i`ve got less than $50. lol. im going on an overnight trip to montreal this weekend to shop. omg never trust me with so much cash. i know im gonna spend it all *sigh* well after work today definitely not like any normal day. as soon as i got through the door.. i was asked to join my bro and mum to shop for only 20min!!! who shops in so lil time? well they had a reason.. we had to go to the airport right after. steven`s friend from pensylvania (dunno how to spell) is visiting him for the weekend. too bad i wont be here to chat with him ... i`ll be in montreal blowing my second week`s pay! yah so after dinner steve`s friends come by and chat a bit.. then they all go over to my ``neighbour`s`` house.. well whoever lives in the house straight across from us, and i come along. dammit i feel like a tag along.. but steve did ask so meh. neways it was....... blarg.. coz i sat there watchin em talk & drink, and roll some. when they went outside to smoke some i just explored the house. lol. fukk was it ever plaaaate. hehe. i am cool now arent i.. using frenchy expressions. neways there`s not much to do for the next hour before i sleep. tomorrow im goin to hollie`s party. youppie? shit i hate TOM .. i wanted to go swimming in hollie`s pool.

July 16th, 2003.
gosh i didnt know i was getting paid every two weeks.. instead of every week. now i``ll have nothing to shop with this weekend...aaaaaaaah! gotta think up a plan. aaaafter..... i clean my pants. they``ve got stains all over em coz i was helping out the educatrice with the kids and tehy were eating frozen yogurt popsicles and omg so messy.. and then they run to u and hug u while their hands havent been cleaned and popsicle stuff is dripping from their faces. hahaha this one kid.. so cute... he was told to wipe his mouth and i catch him wiping his tongue.. and then he went on eating. adn this other girl.. she was sad that it was raining coz we were supposed to go to the ice cream parlour and she goes `` ca c`est plate.`` .. awwwwwwwwww. i laughed. tommy came by my work today and this lady from montreal was with her and she interviewed me abt everything thats been happening so far.. well i hope i gave all the right answers. then i talked to tommy abt my 3rd watch being broken and how i really had to exchange it for a new one, but i couldnt drive all the way to quebec city coz i just cant! and he said he`d do it for me =) soo nice. we`re all gonna see a movie tonight.. hope he listened to me and we`re gonna see pirates of the carribean. but it wont be as good as it should be coz it`ll be in french. ah well....... i wanna see orli so much!! ^^

July 15th, 2003.
omg i just saw the first pic of my friend laura she looks so nice. i wish i lived in the uk. well.... i wanna go someday~ maybe she``ll come to canada next summer.. my gosh i wanna travel there so much! one of my girl friends is going to england to study later on but its not definite. dammit i know she doesnt wanna go but if my parnts let me i`d be loving it. knowing her .. she`d be going for all the wrong reasons. *sigh* just thinking abt the future creeps me out.

July 14th, 2003.
what a weird day.. my educatrice that i stick with everyday is on vacation so i was with this other lady and didnt know what to do with me so she just sent me around everywhere and during nap time i couldnt sleep so when i got home i guess i was a bit cranky and acting like a stupid arse. bro was in the pool with a freind so i couldnt go in. he invites me to join them but i guess im a bit selfconcious. well i spent the afternoon/evening reading ``my girl`` and on like the last 5 chapters i couldnt stop crying. i thought no one was looking so i didnt go to my room and stayed on the couch. all of a sudden the phone rings and the friend runs up from the basement and sees me crying lol crap. so embarressing. well yeah nothing much interesting today as u can see. but im being such an arrrrrrrrrrse to "dude"!! ahhhh giving cut eye without noticing until like 5 secs later.. ignoring him ..aaaah stupid girl. no wonder i have no friends.

July 13th, 2003.
this weekend has been so wack. on friday maddy came over and chilled until my bro stevo came and invited his friend over and then things started to get a lil better. stevo never offered me beer until maddy came v_v stupid bum. well yah so after we went to the convenience store. bought shit. went through park and met up wif his smoked up friends. got completely freaked in the car ride back home which was only 5 min away but still my seatbelt didnt work. and well knowing how they drive no wonder i was scared. not to mention them under the influence. lol. holy crap maddy knew i was freaked by the end of the car ride.. esp since after we got out i sat far away from them on the porch while they went to the back. lolz. this shit all started at like 9:30 ish holy crap adn then after we got back i dunno how much time passed but it seemed like forever .. we waited for stevo and friend simo to come and walk back to the house coz not enough space in the car.. and then we went to my otehr neighbour``s house. not towel girl``s house. the other one. and i found out my neighbours are a bit.. whoa. so party then drank 3 there so thats tot. of 4.. and got dizzy. heard stories. but stuck with stevo and maddy the whole time so i was coo. holy fukk that was fun. then sat was so bland coz me and maddy went to the aquarium for abt 6 hrs. damn phoques werent even that interesting. then we went to maddy``s house after eating supper at my place. we went tothe video store and somehow her bro was there (?) so he gave us a lift but he``s a crazy driver like the rest of the peeps here lol so i finally got to talk to him.. in the car after the music was turned down a bit. he``s got wicked speakers in his car . neways we watched the film in english and then got on the net for a bit. i talked to maddy``s bf for a lil and he``s pretty cool. even talking to him now. neways slept over at her place and in teh morning we had the nicest breakfast. like her mom poured the juice.. and laid everything out. it was just.. so nice. and we went shopping today in vieux quebec so it was sooo nice and i bought lots of shit and souvenirs for everyone back home. hope they like em! well im gonna go take my medication now. apparantly i have bronchitis. i went to teh doc``s on fri afterwork so i hope im better by tomorrow. ive been getting better since ! so.... yeah. me write later. nitez!

July 12th, 2003.
um....... what a weekend so far. hope the next 4 weeks left here are just as exciting.

July 10th, 2003.
my throat is getting better =) and my headaches are gettin worse.. and same with allergies. fuuuukkkkkkkk im gonna explode!! i wonder if my parents are gonna buy more ice cream.. i ate .. a lot of it... already. they bought my brownies again =) im gonna go fetch some. laaataaaaaaa.

July 9th, 2003.
got my first paycheck for this new job =) its only for 3 days but its waaaay more than i deserve for the job i do! hahah. im happy tho =) today my allergies were killing me.. i used up more tissues than all the kids combined v_v thats how bad it was. i talked to the educatrices abt what u need to qualify to be an educatrice.. turns out after their highskooling they just do a year and a half of extra study and thats it. gosh its easy. k.. thats my backup if all else fails. im gonna be doing some sort of work wif kids. lol. well im supposed to go bowling with like the other students in my exchange group tonite but i dunno what im supposed to do till then! there`s so much free time, which is great but i cant do anything!! and this damn throat infection is driving me crazy!! i hate the throat drops i bought yesterday.. they taste funny and they numb my whole mouth. and what the hell is giving me another headache??? i just took tylonol!! dammmmmmmmn u stupid weather....... ok im calm. CALM . goooooood . well me type more later.

July 8th, 2003.
what a day. i think whalewatching in tadoussac got me sick.. or the kids, i dunno but im sick and i feel like shit right now. well whalewatching last weekend was a blast but sucked at the same time. took lots of pics. went into EVERY SINGLE giftshop in tadoussac and had a horrid time keeping away from mosquitos. u should see my legs. completely bug bitten its crazzzzy. today tommy visited me at work =) turns out i dont get paid until next week!! so thats 3 weeks on my first paycheck. it better be big....... i wonder if i get commission for dealing with whining kids. its like.. everytime i deal with a crying kid thats a bonus of ten cents =) i like that. neways im tired coz of this stupid i dunno waht i have!! well thats it i type more later.

July 4th, 2003.
what a nice day it is. even though its cloudy around here i`m still happie. i think its coz of the chocolate i ate lol. my boss gave me chocolate!! =) the kids were great today i didnt even mind it when they cried. hope everything tomorrow will go well.. im going whalewatching!! lol. well till then i`ll have to hold up in this house everything is so busy around here.. ppl cleaning and i think my bro`s mad and i dont know why but i ate some food in the fridge and im hoping he wasnt planning on saving that for later coz i dun wanna make him more pissed than he already is. i want everything to go weeeeeeelllllllllllllllll !!! neways im too full i wanna go do some excercise coz i feel fat. me write later.

July 3rd, 2003.
if u look at my clothes that i wore today.. u can tell what i``ve been doing. there``s paint on it, some orangish stuff so its some sort of pasta sauce.. and sand caught all over my pants and shoes. T_T ah fudgesicles. well speaking of fudgesicles.. my stomach is starting to feel funny after eating so many of them. or maybe it feels that way coz i mixed em with half a basket of strawberries i ate just before that. not the lil green baskets.. the strawberry picking ones!! lol. well my «bro» stevn is out in the backyard swimming in the pool i want to swim in.. and i cant join him coz he`s with his friends. damn i hear so much giggling i dont want to know what they`re doing or else i`ll never go in that pool ever again. lol. i had a dream last night that is prolly more horrific than that mental picture of the pool. in my dream i was with my friends and then my old friends from baps were there. everything was alright.. well my dreams are usually strange but what made this one completely­... ``ah duh.........`` was that in the end i was walking with my friend (no names) and we link arms all the time so in the dream i was good friends with her and we said bye.. and talked abt this guy and i told her everythign would be fine between them. and then i get into the train and i notice that all my new friends are sitting together.. and all my old friends are together and instead of siting with either of them i sat next to the guy me and friend were just talking abt and well in my dream he was completely diff.. so buff and wearing a muscle shirt and well........ he was hot. and then someone from baps .. jamie came along and sat on the other side of him and they started making out. omg i dont know how i started to dream abt that but i woke up to that and it scared the fukk outta me. neways im gonna go get another fudgesicle to ease the pain in my stomach.

July 1st, 2003.
didnt realize i had it so good with my new family. lol. maddy is so bored....... i hope those books will cheer her up. well on the weekend im going whalewatching in tadoussac!! i cant wait =) oh im excited for tomorrow too..... its my first «official» day of work =) get to see all the lil kids.... so cute... but i want tommy, my coordinator, to walk me there! he drove me yesterday.. and today he wished me luck for tomorrow. but still! i know im gonna get lost getting there....... T_T hmm my plan is to leave the house at 8am and get there at 8:30.. right on time for work. though when i asked everyone they said it only took 15 mins walking. lol. i need the extra time =) dinner was meh today.. but im glad i went grocery shopping and bought all that junk food coz now there`s something good to eat. heheh i wonder what lunch will be like tomorrow.. im eating what the lil kids are gonna eat! um......... i hope its all babyfood. jks. now where was i........... ah pshhh i dont know. i keep jabbering on abt nothing. oh today`s canada day. haaaappieee canada day everyone. my neighbours and my temporary bro are outside celebrating while im here.. coz they`re his friends. neways im bored and i think everything i needed to ramble about hasnt come out yet so instead of boring everyone i should go find myself something to do. maybe watch another movie in french. lol. so far.. i`ve seen: narc(?), some movie with edward norton.. charlie`s angels in french (that was today), the war, and the bridges of madison county in french. cooooooool huh. well yeah i hope i wont have to watching «trouver nemo» ........ i dont understand all the jokes. darnn where`s the english movie theatre!?!

June 29, 2003.
who wears short shorts? meeeeeee coz its summer and well ok they arent really that short.. but my mom says they are! *karen gets hit with a book for being stupid* ok....... so quebec is so good so far.. i was in st. jean for 2 days at the military base.. so many memories, esp. the military guys...*drools* and meeting my `twin`.. everything`s going great. so much to write, so little time. and arg.. too many things have happened i wish i took photos of everything. went to old quebec in quebec cityyesterday.. everything`s so beautiful. omg i wanna stay here forever.

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