DONT WANT TO TALK
Hi how are you. I like to complain about things.
July 5, 2003
Hi how are you. Everyone seemed to be making websites and i figured....HEY....why not make one and complain about stuff.
Im about to leave for Nebraska tomorrow. I dont want to go, because it will restrict me from doing things that I shouldnt be doing anyway. It will also take me away from friends. A person never really cherishes how much fun it is to just chill with friends until they are taken away from them.
I hate life sometimes. Actually to narrow it down I hate being alone. I love to hold a girl. I love to have the feeling that someone actually cares about me. I thought I experienced that recently. And of course leave it to me to think something is more than it really is. I dont like to do things just to do them. I like to have meaning behind actions. But I guess the feelings that I have are driving down a oneway road to nowhere. Because I like someone, but as usual who wants a relationship with me? I mean seriously. Imagine bragging to your friends about going out with me. "OMG ISNT THAT THE KID THAT FELL DOWN AT GRADUATION...ARE YOU LIKE....STUPID?"
And while we're on the topic of the whole graduation incident I have a few things to say about that...People think Im different than I am. I dont do stupid things to get attention. I do stupid stuff because I think that life is better with laughter. People take things too serious sometimes and you need someone like me to show them that everything doesnt have to be serious.
July 6, 2003
Hey whats up. It's 12:27 in the morning. I leave for Nebraska today. It's gonna suck. Im not a big fan of my family. But I guess it will be ok because it will help me quit a bad habbit.
Sometimes I wish I was famous just so that I could have my own TV special and tell everyone I hate to "EAT IT". (Thats from a movie or something but I cant remember...so if you know...then I wanna know)
I say "EAT IT!" alot. In fact, if YOU were here right now I'd probably tell YOU to "EAT IT!". YEAH YOU!
This is the part of today's Journal where I get serious.
Tonight I was walking out of Meijer and I started to look at every person I passed and started picking out little features about them that were wierd. Then I started to realize that I was passing judgement on someone I didnt even know. After a little while I realized that I do that all the time to people. I wonder if the people Im looking at are doing the same thing to me. That's kinda freaky if you think about it. Because everyone judges everyone. I got called immature a little while ago. That completely stunned me. I mean, sure I do alot of wierd stuff, but I think that people get immaturity and sarcasm mixed up. Sarcasm is realizing that what you are doing or saying is stupid but you dont mean it. I am a very sarcastic person. I dont dance around like an idiot because I AM an idiot, I do it because there probably is someone somewhere in the world who actually does dance like that and I decided to make fun of him.
July 15, 2003
Well I'm back. I've come home and returned to the same problems I tried to leave. But oh well. Actually to tell you the truth my trip to visit my family was very educational. I talked to alot of my cousins, who are all at least 5 years older than me, and I learned alot about life. I learned that no matter what happens we will all change. No matter what our views and opinions are right now they are doomed to change. And when they do change we will look back at our old lives and just shake our heads.
I also went over to Phil's house last night and had a deep conversation with him. He recently had his heart broken by a girl that he loved very much but he still keeps his head held high. I've never met a guy with more passion than Phil does. And I dont mean just toward this girl, Im talking about toward EVERYTHING. he knows how to express himself very well.
I think that that is something that everyone has a problem with. Expressing themselves. Because I know if I were able to express myself like I want to I would be much happier. Because there is a girl that I would just love to run up to and give the biggest kiss to (not that I havent already haha) and tell her how much I like her. But I cant do that. Because its almost like it's "uncool" to be passionate about something or someone.
July 16, 2003
WOW. Im going to have to clarify something about ME writing in this journal. I never set up a guestbook or anything for anyone to write me comments about my opinions. I dont want to hear people try to change my view on something, because the point of this journal is for ME to bitch.
Sorry I just had to get that off my chest. I've been having a shitty week and it doesnt look like things are gonna turn around. I dont know who my friends are anymore. Im tired of living the life I live. Im tired of living for other people. All I do is try and make everyone around me happy but what happens? I END UP BEING DEPRESSED.
Nothing goes right anymore
WHY CANT THIS GIRL LIKE ME?
WHY DONT MY PARENTS UNDERSTAND?
WHY DOES HE GET A BETTER LIFE THAN ME?
WHAT IS SO BAD ABOUT ME?
People always tell me that I shouldnt complain and say that I have a terrible life because at least I have people around me that love me. SCREW THAT. No one loves anyone anymore. Everyone is out to make themselves the top dog. I bet you anything that if you had to choose between a million dollars and keeping your best friend about 80 percent of you would choose the money. Go ahead and say that you wouldnt right now, but if you actually were in that situation you would think different. That's why people are so fake. People always talk big until they are actually put into certain situations, then they crumble like a goddamn dried up brownie.
July 19, 2003
Hi. So much has happened in the past three days. I went to cedar point with lindsay and that was really sweet. Everytime Im with her I have such a good time. But on the darker side of things I think I am about to lose two of my very close friends. I used to think that I was in a FAMILY but its obvious that that was just an excuse to use me. It sux so much to get screwed over by your best friends. I dont know what to do anymore. I dont have any friends that I can trust except for one (lindsay duh). I just wish I knew what it was like to have close friends that will stick up for you and actually hit me back. But I dont think I'll ever get friends like that because Im too damn nice. Im sick of it.
