06/11/03
I'm going to kill myself on July 4th

05/07/03
Today I started my day off again taking the train w/ my girlfriend. I was running late again, but my boss didn't say anything. Finally, I finished the monster Ruffino's project, and boy what a relief it is to have gotten it done. But unfortunately, I received another semi big project from Maxell.
Working at my job takes a lot of time. I wake up at 7:30, and get home around 7:45. Then I have to move my car, do the laundry, and then cook. By the time I have time to myself, I only have 30 minutes to type my online journal, watch the news, and surf the web. Whew, maybe I should look for another job.
I must conquer my fears.

I began my day at work continueing off from my last project which was the Ruffino's History book. I basically had to track down every Ruffino's job the agency had worked on, and place them on a letter sized document. As easy as it may have sound, we're talking over 100 pages of pdf creating, resizing, and placing of images. I was able to finish off 80% of the work, but I'm having troubles finding the other 20%.

Work is stressful as usual. Brett had the usual emergencies, always walking in on panic mode. Then there was the freelancer Adam who I didn't like at all. What a fucken asshole. Plus the fact that I had to layout and print practically every job from Ruffino's. I felt down today, and a bit overwhelmed. I have to stay strong, and stengthen my positive outlook. I'm living in NYC on my own, so I have no choice. It's fly or die. I can't forget my 7:30 appointment w/ Dr. Stern this Thursday. I have to keep a positive attitude, and continue to practice my verbal articulation and writing skills. Hence this online journal. I have to be strong. I have to overcome this. Not just for me, but also for my family. I must stay positive. I can do it. I worked too hard. I can do it.

I feel sad, I just want to cry. I want someone to cry on. I want to overcome my fears. I want to be successful. I want happiness.

God, I need you...

05/05/03
Another day here in New York City. I am not alone anymore for I have Dee, my girlfriend. She's so good to me, I don't know how to handle the situation. I love her, I don't love her, I love her, I don't love her. She's always so kind to me, she's always been there for me. She took all of my crap, she withstood all my issues, and she has always been so nice to me. She waited for me. She's the best i've ever had. I will see her tomorrow morning, and we'll take the train together. Dee, how do I feel? Do I love you?

As far as work, it's the usual long hours, and hard work. I guess that's the mme way. Help your boss become millionaires. I will overcome this!

07/09/02
Today I quit my job for a fashion magazine. The journey has almost ended. Now I must go back to my family. Crying on my way to NYC, now I will cry when I driveback.

This place hurts so bad.

06/08/02
Angels Falling - Last Gaze

As I looked up into the sky
I saw many figures genlty gliding down to this world in silhouttes
Their hands & arms raised, and angled out
The draperies of their bodies
flow through
As I looked higher above,
and wondered...

...Their statuesque
They were like statues, only their
draperies flowed.

They were white in their statuesque forms
Sculpted from above.
Their wings of forever.
Coming down from the pillars above.

-And then we all crumbled down.

06/07/02
Look at you now
He sculpted and molded you
Into who you are today
Just yesterday you were just
a mere Brooklyn girl w/o substance
Look at you now
How far you have come
How proud you've made your mother
& father
He loved you & now he's gone
Now he's gone

06/06/02
I've got this giddy feeling in me once again.
I am reminded by a phone call
of something I forgotton totally.
The feelings is in me, but it can't come out
This feeling I want so bad, yet
My other half can only release

Sad, Love, Joy, Thrill, Anticipation,
Lust, Lonelyness, Ambition, Looking
into the future---> which direction
should I go?



Human suffering is not God's will.
It hurts us to see others suffer, we were
created this way for a reason.

06/05/02
Inverted heart so closed,
A night of verbal passion,
Breeds a new day, a new yearning
No one should feel this lonely

Feelings of anticipation,
Feelings of hope,
Hope that one day~~~
A new sensation would walk my way
A change

Walking in a world that tries to deny you
Closing your eyes, trying to make things right

Cross roads
To the left is the tangible
To the right is the unimaginable

A night of passion
Yet incomplete, A Friday night that went too far
Hope the day would arise
A return of feelings you've forgotten,
or tried to withold

Evil, evil of people who are not like you
Evil of this true world?
Who to trust....who to love