i just came back from an hour long walk, and these are my thoughts
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: Newsboys "Devotion" CD
Topic: what you need to know
-I acted like a witch, even though I tried not to.
-I led all those guys on, even though I thought I wasn't.
-I broke hearts, even though I didn't want to.
-I used my body as a weapon, even though I didn't realize it.
-I cried, without trying to.
-I started going out with Jason too soon, even though I thought a few days before it was still too soon.
-I've made mistakes, even though I never planned on making them again.

1- Why did I use my body? I don't know. I'm not full of myself about "how hott" I think my body is. I know its a good body because its healthy, and I don't compare myself with other girls. I can look at another girl and thing "gee she's pretty" but I still love my body. I only will ever have one, so I'm happy with the one God gave me! Am I trying to get attention from guys because of my body? I doubt it, because I like my body, so I don't need affirmation that its good- or do I deep down need it? Then again, maybe its that I want the guys to compare me to other girls and decide that I'm the best? No, still too weird. I was trying so hard not to use my body, and ask Amber, she wondered why I was so worried about not being a slut (ie I don't want to be a slut.).

2- Why did I lead these guys on? I think its maybe because I'd never had that much/that type of attention from guys. They all liked me, and thought I was great. And I liked them. So I didn't want to pass up a chance of being with THAT guy. I wanted all of them (haha greedy me) and didn't know any of them well enough to decide which I shouldn't be with. So instead of cutting them out one by one, I just let them come along. Stupid decision, I know. And I knew that at the time. No one confirmed my guesses that what I was doing was wrong. I tried putting myself in the guys' shoes, but that didn't help, because I didn't (and still don't) know what they saw/see in me.

What I don't understand is how everyone has to bash and insult me for my mistake(s?). They should have helped me along the way instead of wait and see what hole I got myself into. [And notice how almost no one comments on my blog until I've done something stupid or there's some scandal?]
However, I appreciate the way Sam spoke on my blog, and as well on hers. But Rachel? Sorry hunny, the only time you write on my blog is when you think I've done something stupid, and you never support me in the tiniest bit. I don't care if I'm screwing this up anymore, because I don't mean it in a mean way. I'm just telling you what I feel, and its impossible to argue with people's feelings. I can't argue with yours either. Just please try to make it more polite, because I remember being friends with you, and I kinda miss it.

I've figured out what to do. I hate it, but I hate other solutions even more. Break up with Jason, but I know excactly what I'm going to say to him, and what to do afterwards- keep away from guys for a while like Sam is. I tried so hard to wait long enough, but I realized when I was going to sleep last night, that I was wrong...

And so that is my revelation... Straight from the heart litterally. I don't think I can detail it any more without cutting my heart open and tearing it to pieces. (Such a nice analogie, eh?) So I'll leave you to simmer that around your brain
*hugs and tears*
--janessa

an email i recieved.... its kinda cool, so i thought i'd share it with you.
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: what you need to know
> >>>> AND WE SAID OKAY This one will make you think In light of the many
> >>>>perversions and jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a
> >>>>little different: This is not intended to be a joke, it's not funny,
> >>>>it's intended to get you thinking.
> >>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane
> >>>>Clayson asked her "How could God let something like this happen?"
> >>>>(regarding the attacks on Sept. 11).
> >>>>
> >>>>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She
> >>>>said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but
>for
> >>>>years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out
> >>of our
> >>>>government and to get out of our lives.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How
> >>>>can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we
> >>>>demand He leave us alone?"
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc.
>I
> >>>>think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her
> >>>>body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools,
> >>>>and we said OK.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school . the Bible
> >>>>says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor
> >>>>as yourself. And we said
> >>OK.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they
> >>>>misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we
> >>>>might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We
> >>>>said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why
>they
> >>>>don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill
> >>>>strangers, their classmates, and themselves.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it
> >>>>out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>Funny
> >>how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the
> >>>>world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say,
>but
> >>>>question what the Bible says.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like
> >>>>wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord,
>people
> >>>>think twice about sharing.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through
> >>>>cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school
>and
> >>>>workplace.
> >>>>
> >>>>Are you laughing?
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many
>on
> >>>>your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what
> >>they
> >>>>WILL think of you for sending it. Funny how we can be more worried
>about
> >>>>what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it...
>no
> >>>>one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't
> >>>>sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in!!

after all the hard goodbyes, i can see its for the best
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: broadway jazz
Topic: what you need to know
After some thinking, I've decided it's a good thing I don't go to JMSS with most of you guys. No, it's not that I don't like you. It's for my own good.

Not only do I get to be at CHS like I always dreamed of, I get a fresh start. There is so much emotional baggage with everyone I grew up with! When I start at a new school, it's in a totally different neighbourhood, with totally different people.

While I can still be in contact with some of my old friends, it's easier to forget about any fights with them. And anyone I didn't end up liking, it's not that bad anymore. I'm no longer at all annoyed with them. As the time passes without seeing them, the wrongs we commited against each other seem to slowly pass away... It's good to forgive and forget, as they say.

CHS means I get a clean slate. These people don't know my past, so they can't judge me on the mistakes I've made. It's great!

I'm sorry for the mean things I've done to any of you guys. I hope you can forgive me.
I miss every one of you guys, but I think the change is good for me. Keep in touch! :)

*luv and hugs*
--janessa

flirting 101 --- mainly for women/gals -- very long entry!
Mood:  amorous
Now Playing: computer whirring
Topic: what you need to know
No, this is not "how to flirt" and that sort of "how-to" stuff. This is not even saying that flirting is okay. Actually, it's bad. Hah. Who could imagine me, Janessa, saying flirting is bad?! It's true though! Don't believe me? Fine. I'll explain it to you. WARNING: This may sound a little preachy-preachy stuff... I don't really like the writing myself, but it's all I could do in a pinch, and since us girls are in high school now, its a little important to have it out quickly.

You may think it's okay to flirt, but you then you probably don't understand what inappropriate flirting feels like to guys. "Letting a boy know that you are intersted in a more meaningful relationship with him is one thing, but inappropriate flirting, which can also be called 'teasing' or 'seduction,' is another." (Arterburn, 2004) If you have no intent in pursueing a relationship with this guy, is it good to emotionally and/or physically stir him up? Is it truly loving to tease him sexually just for your own purposes? You're tricking him into thinking you want more! He might think that you want to go further- sexually... Is that truly what you want?
Actions speak louder than words, but don't cast off the list the effects words alone can have on other people as well as your integrity. James 3:3-6 says, "When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Like wise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil aomong the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire."
"Many young women think that because they are 'only flirting,' they're not hurting anyone. But is it true? Is flirting always an innocent, fun game?" (Ethridge, 2004, pg97)
A lot of the gist in flirting is to look, but not touch. To use the mouth in speaking, but no handling. (Then again, it CAN involve groping, but that is SO not PG13! lol) That's not really nice for the guy! He's being teased and seduced, and eventually will EXPECT some reward!

If you do like him, yes, you can act friendly toward him to let him know you like him. Make sure first that he's appropriate for you, cuz it could get pretty ugly otherwise:
-an acceptable match for your age
-he's available (single)
-no significant character concerns
-those who are closest to you (friends and family) would approve of it- they know what's best for you... (apparently!)

Need a filter to make sure you're treating and talking to him properly? Ask yourself these questions (from Ethridge, 2004, p101)... They are a bit lengthy, but they DO summarize the whole "lesson"
-What do I hope to gain by saying or doing this? Will these words or actions ultimately be harmful to either of us or beneficial to both of us?
-Is this guy seeing someone? If so, would his girlfriend get upset with me if she knew I was speaking to her boyfriend in this way?
-Are these words going to tempt him into coming around me more often than he should? Am I arousing him sexually?
-Am I using words or actions to manipulate this person into meeting my emotional needs and making me feel better about myself?
-If I actually say what I am thinking about saying or do what I am thinking about doing, then turn around to find one of my parents, siblinbs or friends standing there, would I have some explaining to do?
-If I sense that a guy I'm not really interstied in is flirting with me, am I making it more fun for him by playing his game, or am I maintaining my own personal convictions about guarting my mouth and his heart?
Yeah, these guidlines are defintely difficult to follow. I've been trying hard since the beginning of August to follow them, and it is tough. But it's working out. The guys who people suspect like me don't like me for my flirting techniques that I have. They like me for me, and I don't show any more than need be. Flirting is bad, and it definitely isn't needed. I hope this helps protect you from comprimising situations (like sexual abuse or harassment).

--janessa
Can't you see I need your help? I try to connect with you, but you seem to still distance yourself from me! Only you can get me out of this rut, so save me please!

guys give love to get sex, girls give sex to get love
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: .... your sexuality isn't what you DO, its who you ARE
Topic: what you need to know
Let me explain a little bit of human sexuality...

Guys: God gave them an ability to be turned on just at the sight of a female. If all men wanted to do was hold hands with their partners, pick flowers and have deep heart-to-heart conversations, would anyone get around to having sex? Doubtful. "A man longs to reach out and touch, fondle, embrace and expel all his energies making love with the object of his affectioins." (Ethridge, 2004, p18) However, with God it is possible for him to control his sexual desires, so that he is not just a male animal, but a man.

Girls: If all women wanted to do was play sports, work strenouesly, chase guys to have sex with them, would they raise very healthy babies? Probably not. That is why God gave them the desire to be emotionally connected and involved in caring for and nurturing others. He gave them exactly what they needed- wanting to be emotionally intimate.



Guarding your eyes is an important step to sexual purity. How do you do it? "Bouncing" your eyes- immediately looking at something else. Still, a primary concern needs to be guarding your heart and "bouncing" your thoughts, especially if you are a female.

"Part of God's perfect plan is that we are so physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually drawn to the opposite sex that we long for closeness with each other- not just an "I want to sit beside you" closeness, but a deep desire to be intimately connected." (Ethridge, 004, p20)
God designed male nad female bodies so that we fit perfectly together during intercourse. But it was not intended to be only physical. God created it to be shared between two bodies, two minds, two hearts and two spirits to untie into one. If intercourse is done in a commited and loving marriage, it can be the most wonderful thing. God loves us so much that he made us in a way that every fibre iof us wants to fulfill his commandment to be frutful and multiply (Genesis 1:28). So if sex is so awesome, why do we have to wait? Because God wants us to enjoy sex exclusively in marriage. He KNOWS how much we may want to do it with each other. He also knows the horrible consequences of premarital sex- which he wants to protect us from.

Imagine for a minute, what it will be like if you and your future spouse have just gotten married, an it's that first special night. You are both virgins and seucally pure. He has guarded his heart and eyes, she's the only women he has seren naked. She is the most beautiful thing to him! She has never been held so closely or lovingly. SHe can compare his touch to no one else. They can have guilt-free sex as much as they want and however they want until they die. That is how sex should be. NO comparison. No disappointment. No guilt or shame.

--janessa

Dangerous entry: I'm happy to say I love my Lord.
Mood:  bright
Topic: what you need to know
They shine like dawn on an open Psalm
A knowing smile from something You said
I hunger for the daily bread of Your ways
Ah, the bread of Your ways
They glow like blue in a field of black
Illuminating the runway ahead
I love to follow the angel tread of Your ways
Ah, the tread of Your ways

I love Your ways (Your true, Your perfect ways)
I love Your ways (so beautiful to me)
Lovely always (and faithful to restore)
I love Your ways

And when I tire, they bring a second wind
A word in season, a gleam in Your eye
I love to feel the runner's high of Your ways
Ah, the high of Your ways
I lived so long under basement floors
The flickering lights, the windowless gloom
I'm here to stay in the upper room of Your ways
Ah, the room of Your ways

I love Your ways (Your true, Your perfect ways)
I love Your ways (so beautiful to me)
Lovely always (and faithful to restore)
I love Your ways

I need Your good word speaking
When there's nothing to say
I need Your Spirit here
Breathing on me every day
Every night I need Your love's pure light
And I've learned forever to trust
Ever to follow
Ever I'll praise Your everlasting ways
(Your everlasting ways
Your everlasting ways)

I love Your ways (Your true, Your perfect ways)
I love Your ways (so beautiful to me)
Lovely always (and faithful to restore)
I love Your ways

I love Your ways
"I love your ways" by the Newsboys

You can't make me believe what you do. I know that I love my Lord. He's seriously cool. I mean, who else could create the universe- and rule it?! He's so awesome as well. If you cannot accept my beliefs, so be it. It's your decision.
I'm so glad to say that I'm saying this to you guys, without fear. I love my Lord, and he loves me. He loves everyone. So much, in fact, that he gave his only son, Christ, to us so that we would not be condemned to Hell for Eternity. I believe that Jesus Christ is my Messiah, and that he gave up his life on the cross for me so that I might have Eternal Life in Heaven. That is truly the Greatest Gift. I believe that the Holy Spirit is present with us wherever we are. I believe that miracles are God's work. I believe that everything happens in the way that God wants it to happen.

janessa

no, i'm not going to say "i am going to end this once and for all"....
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: what you need to know
...Why? Because I can't. No matter what, someone will still say "but you're wrong" or something like that. And guess what? I like it. I like having the comment sent to my email and me having the choice of letting it be posted or not. And no matter what the message says, I let it be posted. I don't delete them. I also don't delete my entries. Why should I? They are expressions of feelings (or something else) that I wrote. Once it's up on the web, it stays on the internet. That's why I accept everyone's comment. Because it is their expression. Everyone of us leaves a loophole in what they say, and for some reason everyone wants to pound in on that to make the person feel dumb or something. I don't get it. Why can't we just say it politely "oh well, this is how it actually happened..."? Yes, I may be being a bit hypocritical right now, because I have done that as well. I am also asking myself this while I am writing it, believe it or not! And if you can't accept what someone writes, too bad. Unless of course they're being quite Nazi-ish or something, they have the right to their own opinion. If they're obviously utterly wront, EXPLAIN THE FREAKING THING! And then let them decide whether to believe it or not. I know I will probably be screwing myself over in this but that doesn't matter to me. I just need to get this message out:
You should be glad I let you post your comments. You should be happy that you can share your views with other people. You should also be polite about it. Don't insult other people... "Do onto others as you would have them do onto you".
Now, if you still have a problem with this all, comment. Ask your question so someone can (politely) explain it to you.

apology... sort of
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: christian rock/pop
Topic: what you need to know
First of all, I'd like to say sorry to all of my readers that I am sorry if I offended you. But I did warn you before hand!
Thank you for all the responses. [I have more readers than I thought I did! :)]
I will respond to each comment individually.

---

BAAAHAHHAHA!
Um, okay... Kinda random... I suppose

---

Hey Janessa. While it's great that you have a strong faith in your church and your god, there is a fine line between encouraging faith and others, and being an extremist/fascist. You, my friend, have crossed the line. You do not deserve the friends you have categorized as Atheists and "others" if you are just going to slander them, saying they are Hell-bound because their beliefs do not mirror yours. Decide for yourself who you think is worthy of Heaven instead of drinking in the Bible. There is no need to be megalomaniac and intolerant to prove you are worthy of Paradise. Let's leave the after-life destiny to God, shall we? It isn't for you to decide. Instead of praying for the forgiveness of the sins of your friends, try asking God's forgiveness for the things you have done, because you certainly aren't perfect...none of us are in God's eyes, after all. Thanks for your time : ).
Rachel, I do not/didn't mean to categorize you "others" however it is said. I also do not wish to slander them saying they are hell-bound. The sad thing is (believe me, i'm p.od about this) that they are. To go to Heaven, you must accept Christ as your Saviour. If you haven't, the Bible says you go to Hell. Its tough. Yes, Rachel I know the parable of the "sawdust in your friend's eye while there is a log in yours". That doesn't mean I'm not allowed to pray for your salvation. Do you honestly believe I want my friends to burn in Hell? No. I have accepted Christ as my Lord and Saviour, therefore I can go to Heaven. I could go on and argue more, but that's not very kind. I will just leave it at that.

---

amen to that.
Okay, this one I like *sigh*

---

boobalata
My goodness, grow up *laughs*

---

Judge not that ye be not judged.
Very very true, Jess. I'll refer back to the parable that I mentioned in the reply to Rachel's message.
Do not point out a speck of sawdust in your friend's eye, when you have a log in your own. First remove the log and then you are able to judge them without sin. (Paraphrased, course)

---

I hope this cleared up some stuff...
janessa

i'm so happy cuz my friends are so happy
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: christian rock (you should check it out, its so NOT lame anymore! there's even screamo!)
Topic: what you need to know
This is so awesome (by the way, I don't have a real entry today)! And no, my atheist/agnostic/other denominational friends, this is not a plot to convert you. If it happens, yay. But other than that, please just read on. You MIGHT find it interesting. I don't know yet. The writing just comes, I never plan it. Well, actually sometimes I do. Oh well.
A few less of my friends are going to Hell. Doesn't that sound cool? YEah it does. I hate it how some really assim people are going to Hell because they won't accept Christ as their Messiah. But eveyone has the chance apparently. Like even people who've never heard of God in their lives supposedly have the choice at the VERY end of their lives. Which is kinda sad as well, because they have a lot less time to learn about Him.
I'm not going to say who those friends are, but they know who they are. I wanted to let you know that I've prayed for that change. Not taking credit for it at all though, I just needed for you to know that I prayed for you. It was really all God's work, and your acceptance *sigh that sounds prettyful*!
Here's my message to you guys:
"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing,
Give thanks in all circumstances;
For this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
--1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
I know its kind of hard to follow, but its assim. LIke, GOD SO TOTALLY ROCKS! (BTW I promise there will hardly ever be any more christianish entries here!)
*hugs and prayers to you all* (yes even the atheists/agnostics/"others"!
janessa

Back to school
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Broadway!
Topic: what you need to know
It's coming. In fact, its nearly here.
I can hardly believe it. Why on earth does the summer always go so quickly? One day you're celebrating there are still five weeks left of summer vacation, the next "oh, yeah, we're going shopping for your school supplies!". Ugh. The time passes so quickly when you've only got 52 days. From all your fun excursions to the pool, trips to Wonderland, and sleepovers with your best friend, you're happy. You can wake up late, go to sleep whenever you fee like it. You feel so free! Then WHUMP wake up in time for the school bus. Go to sleep early enough to not fall asleep during second period english. Suddenly your life has a schedule again. That you have to follow so you aren't a total screw-up.
I hate following someone else's dictating. I want to do things MY way, right away. I feel held back when a teacher gives a maximum. And when handed the minimum, I will strive my hardest to show that person I am way better than they expect. Sadly though, I am a lazy perfectionist. What does that mean? I'm too lazy to do something, but if (and when) I set my mind to something, I will continue until I have reached what I think is perfection. Sometimes even further.
With school coming, I have tried my hardest to kick the lazyness away. During spring I gave up procrastination for Lent. I'm hoping it'll stay away. But I have noticed a difference in myself. If I notice a tiny speck of a crumb on my bedroom floor, I will pick it up at once and throw it away. I've started making my bed every morning- something that hasn't occured since the primary years in school. I've even been able to get off my butt and complete a task when asked. In fact, I've volunteered to do the dishes for mom twice this past week, without her even knowing (until like two hours later cuz she looked surprised).
I'm happy to say that I am prepared for school. High school. I have my supplies ready, my new clothes, I know where my classes are and I am thoroughly pumped. Except for the fact that I will have to wake up at 6:30am. And maybe even earlier. Last year I was able to wake up at 8am, going to bed at 11pm, giving myself the proper 9 hours of sleep. Will that be possible now? Nope. I do not (and cannot) go to bed at 9:30. Maybe 10. But not before.
I have a strong feeling about this coming year. Just as strong as the wind outside. Its odd to look at it. North the sky is grey and pretty darkly covered. To the east, a multitude of fluffy white clouds overtop of a bright blue sky. It calms me. Just as I need to calm myself for this year. Its totally different for middle school.
The teachers kept on telling us "its horrible, you'll hate it" "the teachers don't hold your hand and don't care if you fail" and "you'd be better off working hard now, it'll be nothing compared to high school". Sure some of their words of 'wisdom' have some truth to them. Its a pretty big leap, but we've all been equipped to handle it in our own different ways.
So have no fear, dear friends. You too can handle high school.
Let's promise each other to not change for the worse, and not get lost on the first day.

*hugs*
janessa