personal noteswith a bit of thoughfulness on the side....
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: TFK!!!!
Topic: random pointless stuff.
Don't even give me the chance to say yes. Keep your idea. Don't let me come. Something bad could happen. And I don't want to risk that happening. Too much would be at stake. Even if I want to come, I know something bad will happen. But I miss you so much, I want to see you again. Too bad it'd screw everything up.
No one should understand that. Or maybe SHE should. I know something bad will happen if I go to that party, no matter how much I want to see those friends again.

I saw you again today. It reminded me of how you said sorry. I'm so glad you did. I'll bet you didn't know I forgave you long before you apologized. I just hoped you would understand that what you had done was wrong. And I suppose you did. Don't go around doing that sort of thing! Much as I'd hate to admit it to other people, I've missed you. And I'm glad we're friends again. Don't drift off again.
Yes, I forgave him for what he did. And he said sorry to me at grad. And that was one of the best feelings in the world. I'm so happy he did that. Him and his friends can't go around doing what they did...

You called me a scumbag? Get a life. I thought you were my friend. But the whole time you seemed distant and backstabbing. The thing about your boyfriend and not trusting me with him? Hello, I dumped that guy for a reason! I'm not the kind of girl who tries to steal someone's boyfriend! But if you didn't know that, I suppose you don't know me very well. I liked you better in grade five when we were really close. But last year you threw yourself at guys, spesh when they weren't yours... A word of advice- don't do that.
The "scumbag" part obviously shows which girl this is about. Sorry hun. But that was something you needed to know.

You ruined me for a while. Why? Ignoring me then expecting me to stay on with you. Not for a second! And then the harrasment? Grow up. You can't go around treating girls like that. Its not like most of them enjoy it. You should've gotten the picture from my saying "please stop". But you didn't. And then when I told someone, you hated me. Joined in on all the insulting me. I thought we had become friends by then! I don't hate you. I never have. You messed me up, but I can thank you for it. Somehow you brought me closer to what I had been searching for in the beginning.
Which guy am I talking to? Duh... Its obvious i'd say...

Last year was so weird. I was totally discovering myself. I'm not proud to say this- I almost died a few times that year. By my own hands. Ever wondered why I get quiet when someone starts talking about suicide? I think about how I almost wasn't alive to hear someone say that. My last attempt was January, a week after I turned 14. That was the time I seriously could have died. Huge overdose of pills. Anya, thanks for being there for me to heal then- I seriously don't know what I'd have done without you. But I don't know why I'm writing this on my blog. I don't know why I'm thinking about it at all. I don't want to. And I don't know why I'm not going to erase it all and pretend it never happened. Because it definitely did. And don't think I'm bragging or ashamed. I'm not. This is the pure truth. It shaped part of me today. While I still may get crazy hyper usually, there's the serious part of me that is crying from all the mistakes I made last year. I had a lot of firsts, and some of them wrecked friendships (you know who you are and what I mean). I don't regret them, I just wish I hadn't done them for those reasons and so quickly without thinking. But what's past is past. All I can do now is help people not fall into those ruts like I did.

--janessa