more from old blog
so my mom is fucking insane.. well last night I cut, a lot. And I did it on my arms but today I wore a hoodie so noone could see, my leg, both wrists everywhere. Well, when my mom and I got home from picking me up from my detention, she was looking at the writing on my arms and hands and she pulled up my sleeve and saw. She was like "this is gonna have to stop, you aren't going anywhere with your negative friends, and you can't be trusted to be home alone" and I was like "mom, if you take me away from my friends who are what I live for and the only reason I would ever want to stop, then you'll be taking away the last thing that I have and I guarantee you I wont be along for much longer if you do that bullshit" and she was like "Jackie, I'm sick of you threatening me everytime you don't get your way what are you gonna do, go up and have a pity party a cut your stupid little wrists" and I was like "i don't know mom, take the only thing I have and you'll find out, you'll see" and then she was gonna unplug the computer but I told her not to because I was writing in here.. this all happened like 2 seconds ago.. anyhow, she's upstairs right now, and as if I haven't lost most of my friends already, she's taking the rest away from me, so whatever, it's bullshit and I hope she doesn't think she's helping me. Oh yeah, they can't fucking leave me home alone but when Fred's at a meeting my mom just goes out and could give a shit less how much and how deep i cut. She's fucking clueless and she thinks that everything I say is a threat to her, it's not, I'm just explaining why I do it since she always wants to know so bad.. and then she thinks I do this for attention.. well unlike her, my life doesn't revolve around making everybody look at me constantly and it's obvious that's what she wants by the way she dresses and acts. I fucking hate her and she's sitting here saying "you have 5 more minutes" over and over and over again.. I have to go I fucking hate her so much, but I hope she knows that once she takes the computer and the TV away from me, I'll be sitting up in my room doing guess what. Keri, if you get online, please call me, I need to talk to you I don't know what i'm gonna do, well actually I do but I need someone to stop me.
~Jack~

hello
this is from my other blog at blogdrive.. if you want the link, leave a comment I write in there more than here

fucking life story
so anyhow, I should probably explain about my mom a little better because my last entry made me sounds spoiled and jealous.

Like, when I was young (5 and under) she was never around.. She always left me with her parents because she had me at a young age and was more into partying than taking care of me and I guess that's why my grandpa and I are as close as we are now.. I never really had a father figure around until I was about 7 or 8 when fred came into the picture. I had always missed my mom when she was gone which was basically all the time and she'd never pay attention to me when she was around because she only came around to get money off my grandpa.. anyhow, before fred there was gary.. Gary hit my mom and I and he was (and still is) really bad into drugs, using, dealing, whatever.. anyhow he was really abusive and it was a pretty broken home so my grandparents made it so as little time as possible was spent with Gary.. one night he held a gun to my mom's head because he got wind that she was planning to leave him and so he went to jail and they divorced.. When Gary and my mom were together when my mom would cry or show the least bit of emotion or saddness, it would make things worse and Gary would thrive on that weakness which is kind of why when I'm emotional or sad, I seem angry, because I see saddness as weakness and I never wanted to be that weak... anyhow, I realize my story is jumping around a lot so basically what I'm trying to say is my mom never got out of that partying attitude, and she still acts like and thinks she's 15. So when I see her being horrible to me, and nice to my neice I get upset because she was never ever that way with me, she was never a big part of my life until I started doing good in school and horse showing.. so that's it, my life story. Or atleast part of where my hatred for my mom stemmed.. but I guess I"m just wasting my time, I just felt like writing and now seemed like an alright time to put this in here..

~Jack~