Where I should Put a Title but I can't think of one


Entries shall come, be patient.



Thursday October 3, 2002


Do u guys know that song "Heaven" by DJ Sammy? Yeah. Im 'listening to it now. Sometimes i wonder why i can't have that. if i had heard it last year i probably would have felt different about it. i mean i still would have felt lonely hearing it but maybe i would have been more hopefull than now, when im just....... empty. I miss the eigth grade. i DONT miss going crazy and wierd in all of my previous entries, but i miss being able to look forward to stuff. that's why i liked science, it was so much more fun when i knew how much fun would come AFTER it (tech ed). do u really think i spend all of P.E. (this year) thinking "ooh yay, once this period is over i can go to Geometry and sit in the back all alone and LEARN lots of mathmatical crap and occasionally glance at the back of his head and IMAGINE he gives the slightest bit of shit about me" yeah. sure. i ALWAYS think of it. haha NOT. more like "i hate having P.E. first period, with all these snobby popular people, i wish it was over..." yup. that's pretty much MY train of thought.

NEwayz. arrgh i am so behind in all of my classes damnit. i really really need this weekend to come up so i can.... spend all of my saterday doing homework? ew nevermind. alright then i just hope mr. tompson changes all the seats in math and that we have 2nd period FOREVER. actually, come to think of it, with this new killing spree going on that wouldn't be that impossible. yeah right though. i feel so helpless. but maybe that's just because im showing symptoms of anemia and hypothyroidism but we don't have enough money for a doctor's appointment. ain't life a bitch? lol. *sigh* i need to laugh right now. i think i'll go listen to chris rock after this song;s done playing for about the 5th time on my computer.

sometimes i wish i could be HAPPY !!!!=) all the time. hmm... maybe i should hang out with kim more so that i can listen to her dyslexic cow impression and laugh at her stupidity (no offense kim, im not saying you're "under" me or anything, but come on, who else says "ooooooom?"). whoa this entry is turning dpressing ahhhhhh no. no depression. alright im gonna go b4 i fall asleep typing *yawn*
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Saturday, October 5, 2002


Aloha. ugh. I've learned two things today, (and it's only 11:00!) whic i bad for me, because if i learn more tan i have to, especially on a weekday, all of my homework my spontaniously erupt into flames because of my frustration, and then, ufortuntly, i wuldn't be abe to do it.

Well it's happened b4 anyways.

alright, enough o mebeing retarded, i guess you wan to know what i learned:

FIRST: never pluck your eyebrows purely because you're bored. make sure that you have a legitimate reason, like... torture, or something like that. use it as a punishment to yourself. because that' the ONLY reason i can think of to why people would pluck their eyebrows. why go through all the pain?

SECOND: mornings are not a good time for me. ever. i discovered this yesterday morning when i went downstairs to print out m 3 day late Current Events project and there were 6 hornets in the basement. 3 of them were crawling on the floor, dead, but 3 of them were flying around buzzing and shit. i think they got mad at me when i killed their comrade, but oh well. what're ya gonna do. i verified that mornings were bad for me this morning when i went to make myself a salad and when i went to the vegetable drawer in my fridge i found a very squishy cucumber. now even and idiot like me knows that cucumbers aren't suppossed to be squishy. but an idoit like me DOES however try to takethe nasty squishy cucumber out of the fridge and hold the bag upside down so he "cucumber" falls (wel.... slides) out ad explodes on he ground.

yeah. that's pretty muchmy day o far. i'll write more later on yesterday.




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Sunday, October 6, 2002 10:05PM


interesting morning. yesterday AND today. guess what i learned to day? i need to relax. i had no idea i was so worked up about EVERYTHING. today i realized i just need to STOP... slow it down a little, a little like i was last year b4 i went all crazy/insane/jealous/wierd and stuff. yeah i don't have any real reason to be happy but that doesn't mean i have to be anxious. so i wont be. i might not be depressed.. just different. im just gonna stop going on full forward for a while.

u know what really sux? yesterday i wrote a really good and meaningful entry that wasn't crazy or anything, it was really good but then my computer froze before i saved it. damn. i think i'll explain my morning today which was.. wierd. and sad. im doing it in present tense because that's how my thought was... it just told a story instead of being an actual THOUGHT. hey i dunno, im just writing what came into my head. here goes:

Im minding my own business. then again, i always do in this house. i hate evryone here. well except charlotte. and it's not like i hate my mom... arghh nevermind. i just hate being here, that's all. but neways. right now im just minding my own business. making myself a bagel with butter, like i always do, because i think cream cheese is unhealthy. *sigh* i could laugh at the irony of my diet because i always end up eating something like barbeque chips or something like that and yet i call myself healthy. i MOSTLY am, just not all the way. okay i have no idea what im talking about. NEwayz... eating. i can't even tell when im hungry anymore. i wonder if that's a bad thing. but now im just gonna go to the dining room and look out the window. arghh why'd i do that, now im looking at the "beautiful" fall scene outside. i hate the fall, only bad things happen, september 11, these shootings.. and so on. i just hate this season. it's so meaningless. so i'll go back in the kitchen so i wont have to look outside. damnit i left the knife out. i go to put it in the sink and then something really wierd happens.

im minding my own business, just putting a knife back in the sink, feeling alone like i always do in this wretched house, and suddenly a thought pops into my head. i wonder what dan's doing now it says. now where did that come from? im already alone here WITHOUT thinking about him, why'd that have to come into the picture?

damnit. crap no im already having a bad morning why make it worse. not that im depressed, but now im thinking about it... i wonder, what IS he thinking? do u think he ever thinks about me? ever? even just a little in that way? did he used to? at all?... is anybody even thinking about me? no probably not.. it's like 10:00, they're probably still all asleep anyways. i think i'll go back into the dining room, cuz it IS one of my favorite rooms. i look outside to the sky, cuz sometimes god really does show me the answer, if i pray hard enough. if i look hard enough into the unknown something usually pops into my head. so i look to the sky.

it's perfectly clear and blue... that reminds me of something i heard about charlie the other day. i wonder if he really does hate me... a messed up laugh sounds inmy head. hahah, if i ever wanted to ask dan out i'd probably have to ask charlie first. that's probably what he's thinking now- "hmm, i wonder what charlie will make me do today.....better call him and see if he still controls me and stuff....." arghh. maybe..... omg, DUH, that's my answer. charlie. cuz obviously if charlie hates me and controls dan then i don't have as good of a chance with him then if charlie DIDN'T hate me. so obviously i have to get charlie to not hate me anymore. the sad part is i already knew that. arrgh im so stupid. how to go along doing that? oh yeah ther IS no way. i don't think i have the will to either.. i don't really like charlie that much. okay lets just make this thought process go to the negative side here.. happy!! be happy!!... but it's hard to be happy when ur in the middle of ur least favorite season and there's noting to look forward to anymore. nothing at all. no tech ed to have fun in with most of my favorite people (one in particular), no 1st period WS where i always knew the answer and where i got 100 percent on any test we took, no 3rd period science where we could make fun of our retarded teacher, no P.E. where we could have fun playing sports OR not doing anything and i'd always see dan.... no 6th period french where i always did well and could sit wherever i wanted. nothing now. not even school because it's almost as bad as home.

do u think i enjoy seeing any chance i have with him slip away day by day, with nothing else for me to be happy with? no class i look forward to, no classes with my friends, no classes with him..... and what IS he thinking about now? me? haha.. yeah right. like he'd ever. a tear rolls down my face... shit i didn't realize i was crying. well not CRYing, it's only one tear, but still..... come to think of it my throat's getting tight too... i really don't even want to finish my bagel. great. i hate beig home.. school used to bring me solace.... maybe in a way it still does. ANYTHING's better than home. anything. home. what the hell. this isn't my home. it's a house with stuff in it and random people who pretned to care and HAPPEN to have the same blood type as me. gosh i need to relax.... i really do and i KNOW it, but there's no way to relax here. my drain is clogged in my bathroom so i cant take a bath there and have to share a shower with my sister which in't that bad but she's home and i usually spend about an hour in the bath, so that's out. i can laugh. i can cry...er...tear, i can wait. wait anxious for nothing to happen. but i cant relax. damnit. this sux. it's hereditary to, every form of depression runs in my family. all these wierd disorders and shit. at least i cna get out of here tommorrow.... oh yeah. tehn i remember where im going. school. were learning isn't fun anymore.where i have no friends in any classes and we have to do english work for world studies. where there's nothing to look forward to, especially not the end of the day cuz then i haev to go home.

how ironic. i spend all of my time at home waiting to go to school and all of my time at school waiting to get out of there. why isn't it like last year? maybe i went crazy in my journal entries but at least i could have fun back then. i had things to look forward to. now im sitting here without a purpose, eating a bagel im not hungry for. and 4 pounds of homework to do. i wonder why i can't be happy anymore, at least for longer than these little periods of being hyper that i have to save up for... it's like storing my feelings for later use until they get into larger quantities. but im always sad.... or cold. or anxious. something like that.

and im always alone.

always.

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Monday, October 7, 2002


PERIOD 7 GYM AND PD. 7 NET SPORTS SEE EACHOTHER FOR 5 MINUTES BEFORE THEY GET SEPERATED!!! FOR FIVE WHOLE MINUTES!!! THEY COINCIDE THEY INTERSECT THEY SEE EACHOTHER I CAN HANG OUT WITH THE PEOPLE UN PD. 7 GYM ONCE I SWITCH!!!!!!!!!! yAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Same day, around 9:00 (?)


Okay... ur robably wonderin about those last 2 enries... well the ne on October 6... i really don't know what to say about that, so i think i wont say anything at all, just that i always get depressed when im at my house cz it sucks being here. also, u gotta admit, the way i tld that story was pretty cool... i should do that more often. u know, the actually present tense thing. NEways... nthing really funny or interesting happened today... tha last etry was because i fondot that 7th period gym sees Net Sports(the class im switching into) b4 they seperate into their classes and dan is in 7th period gym. NEways.. was funny today on the bus Kim said tha one of her favorite quotes was "No one's perfect untill u fall in love with them" and i said that i liked that but that i thought it wasn't worded right and that it should b "No one's perfect except for Dan. But u can't fall in love with him because he's mine." lol.. so true.... and Carolin said something REALLY but i can't remember whatitwas!! don't u hate it when that happens? arrghh... evil brain.

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[Technically] Monday, Octber 14, 2002 1:39 AM(in the frickin morning!)


Arrgrh u gys this si not cool. i dunno what's wrong with me but i've had this omnious feeling all day and i can't shake it..... arrrhh i tried to read my horoscopes to make myself feel better but those were bad and they did't work.... arrgggh what is WRONG wth me!?!?! im anxious and shaking and stressed and scared and cd and combng m hairlie there'sno tomorrow and i can't tpe and
i duno wether i just scared we're gonna have open lunch tommorrow and like one of us'll get shot bythat wierd sniper guy kinda scared or scared that something reallybad emoionally wise will happen or WHAT butim scared and i don't knowwhy! gosh is this how charlotte feels every day? with this horrible ANXIETY?? maybeim just not getting enouugh sleep or soething.... am i jut reall stressed?? jeez i need a shoulder to lean on.... help me!!!!! =(

i hate this

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Monday, October 21, 2002


LoL yay had aGREAT day can't talk more later.

lol. yay.

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Tuesday November 5, 2002


ALoha my fellow peoples. Sorry i hven't been very well with typing my entries and such. urgh. So much has been happening and i NEVER have time to write anymore!! ugh. but today im taking atvantage of a no school day (oh i know, aren't i so special?) to tell u about my very boring life which u all eagerly await to hear. First of all: YES, I STILL LIKE DAN. sorry, that's just for u guys who have been asking me that lately ::hahaha, so stupid...:: k. AND YES i borrowed his sweatshirt [which was literally the warmest thing i've ever worn... =)] (ooh go me) BUT i also know that DOESN'T MEAN HE LIKES ME. i also needed to say that for all of you who think i always get my hopes up. OKAY. NEways. i AM really happy cuz i eat lunch swith him a lot now [yay!!!=) =) ]lol okay sorry. yeah. im not TRYING to get him to like me or anything AS OF YET, because KimPossible says i should just talk to him like a friend.. and that's all he is ot me (for NOW) so whatever. friends is better than nothing, right? *sigh* i'd rather be more though. (omg, could u tell?).

But enough about Dan because i don't want u guys to get bored by the subject, because i'll probably end up rambling on and on about his greatness or whatever later. OKAY. now on to Kara:

short and simple? JP's an ass. at least he WAS. he actually DID apologize to me yesterday..... which was... wierd, but he did. i still so mad at the time though and i just took one mean look at him and walked right on by. ur PROBABLY wondering what im talking about. *sigh* basically, on friday, JP kinda told me to tell kara that he hates her guts. and yes, i am paraphrasing but it's oh so close to the truth that im sure ur not surprised.yeah. so basically.. i DID, and she cried... and stuff. i RELLY didn't want to tell her that cuz i KNEW she would cry but JP said to me "if u don't tell her, i will" and i didn't really want him going up to her and saying "yeah by the WAY, i hate u" so i told her. yup. and did I feel like a bitch? no! why would i? im only telling my best friend that the guy she's in love with HATES her! so WHY shoud i feel BAD? hmmmm, maybe i should ask JP since he never feels bad about ANYTHING he's ever done to anybody, especially kara. u know what REALLY pisses me off? after i told kara, i went back downstairs to rehearsal (this was on friday) and couldn't even talk i was so mad, i went up to JP and i KNOW i must have looked mad and distraught, and he just smiled that big loser smile of his and said "u told her didn't u?" and i swallowed and said "yeah" throught my teeth and he started LAUGHING. bastard!!

i dunno. i really don't know what to think of him now cuz i convinced myself that i would hate him for a while but now that he actually said "im sorry" im confused. he didn't mean it right? ugh. im STILL amd at him though. i guess i don't HATE him, but FOR NOW it's pretty damn near close. maybe i just need to cool down, i dunno.

and now onto caroline (im going through really fast because i don't have that much time to write). *sigh*. im so frustrated!! she'd going out with matt and u'd think that's be perfect becaus ehtye both like eachother SO MUCH, right?

WRONG

ugh. at first it was cute u know, cuz they were really shy and couldn't talk to eachother, but now it's just annoying. now, IF she says anything to him, he doesn't say anything, and sometimes she never says anything in the first place. and matt ALWAYS FUCKING WALKS AWAY! what the hell? im serious, he just WALKS AWAY..
all
the damn time.

and on monday (yesterday) she was really messed up about it and was angry and pissed and really sad at the same time. and here i am with TWO best friends who aren't going through the best of times and i can't do anything, i feel so helpless. and what's worse is i don't talk to matt. ever. so... yeha. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!? they just.. DON'T tlak to eachother! and they don't even try. well i was under the impression that caroline DID but kim keeps saying it's all her fault that they can't talk so i dunno. Dan really hates the fact that they're going out, at least that's the impression he gave me. he said that they made a really bad couple because they never talk. im always really worried that dan might like caroline which makes NO sense, because even everyone else says that they're too good of friends for that, but i dunno. i don't seem to know anything anymore.

ugh, i really just need to vent. then again that's really what ive been doing for the past 20 minutes so i it's all [not] good. i just wish i knew what to do about all this. will someone plese tell me?

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Wednesday, November 13, 2002 10:46 PM


ugh. lots to say. bad day. lots of stuff messed up (and yes i KNOW "lots" isn't a word). i have to go work on my english stuff now. (:ironic laughter:: hah, me, work. hahahahaha [no cuz i feel like running away form everyone FOREVER]) more l8er.



Saturday, November 23, 2002 10:34 AM


bonjour mes amis. j'espere nous sommes bien! Okay I'll stop now. lol. anyways....

argh i dunno. there's so much to say since i last wrote (which byt the way, IM not even sure what i'm talking about, hold on....)
............hmmm.. noember thir- ah! here we go. oh yes i remember. that day was another one of my days thinking that dan might like caroline and YES, i DID have legitimate reasons. also, that was the dya that caroline said "Dan! get a seat because i'm sharing with you!" and she also wrote her phone number on his arm and stuff and... yeah. bad day for me. and when i went to tell grayson about how pissed i was at caroline i found out some more stuff about her and matt that kinda... killed the madness for a while. THen Matt became a bitch for a while but then they talked and... ugh well anyways, i'd rather not tlak about it. NOW they are broken up, which i never thought i'd say this, but is very very good, because there's no more of them being too afraid to talk to eachother and walking away and no more choosing sides or deciding who's fault it is or anything like that. yeah. but wednesday was a bad day for everyone. if u guys want the entry from that day that i wrote in my ACTUAL ournal (which i wrote almost AS it happened, so i gots lots of stuff in there) email me here and i'll send it to you. NEways. well, i guess i should start with my sister. OKay, my sister's birthday was october 19, and my mum got her this book called "Daily Life Stratagies for Teens" and it ACTUALLY works, so i decided to....er... 'borrow' it for a while (she never uses it anyways) and typed up all of the ones for this month. Most of them are about deicding what you want, and in a way, i have. But what i also figured out was that the things i wanted i was a lot closer to getting last year. BUt.. things got in the way. a LOT of things, and no, im not ONLY refering to caroline, because she really didn't do that much to begin with. But why didn't i take those chances last year? ugh i really really really wish that i had, because maybe things would be so much better now. better than watching my chances with him slip even more and more away day by with me unable to do anything about it. ugh! and also, since i KNOW u guys don't want me bitching on for five pages about how sucky i believe myslef to be, WHAT IS JP TRYING TO DO TO ME? i am SO confused. i hate this, because kara's not even fully over him yet and i feel like a total hypocrite ANYways with him talking to me at all, but now he' sbeing really NICE? i mean, i USED to like the fact that he was nice to me but when i mentioned it to eric he just said that jp just doesn't want me to hate him, and doesn't ACTUALLY want to be my friend. and u know what? he scares me. i mean like, REALLY scares me. and i don't think i really WANT to be friends with him again considering he's changed so much since the 7th grade. it used to be fun haning out with him, but now it's just wierd. UGH! what to do... meh. anyways, it WOULD be really hypocritical of me to hang out with him WHILE i told kara to get over him... ugh, and he's always talking all this bad shit about kara whenever i ask him... OR when i don't . and i really don't like hearing that because i used to tell kara almost everything that happened in my life but now, considering that rehearsal takes up half my life anyways, and also since nothing happens at school, i never get to tell her anything anymore. i don't lke KNOWING how JP feels about kara, i just don't. ALONG with the fact that he always reminds me. MEH!! life sux right now. jp is scary, and im PROBABLY gona see him for about 4 hours now cuz im going to the work party and he'll probably be there. ugh. speaking of the work party, i gotta take a shower b4 i go. ugh. wish me luck? oh nevermind. that entry probably didn't make any sense but if u wanna know more just email me about it.

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Aloha peoples!! As you probably know, Aloha means both hello AND goodbye - but never fear! although i am leaving THIS page i shall come back again with another one! in about.... 5minutes! lol.