skittles and ketchup =)



"j'ai un lanceur de flammes!"

Saturday, December 6th, 2003

aloha everyone! do you like the 'new' colors? ihope it's not ugly i haven't even seen it yet! hehe. oh well i will check it when this entry is finished. i wanted a new start! oh and in case ur wondering about the title, it adheres to the quote on my previous page (september). hehe. the quote above means "i have a flamethrower" in french =). i decided to have a quote of the day since i rarely have MUCH to say (ooh a rhyme!) and maybe a picture of the day too. =). hehe, the pic above is me at the TePapa National Museam in NZ, they have LOTR paintings everywhere, isnt that AWESOME!?!? hehe. but anyway.... this actually wont be ALL the entries from december, as december 1st and 5th are on the other page. =). oh oh and guess what? im going to [maybe] have a photo page for some AUS/NZ pics and some more recent ones of Alice in Wonderland. hehe. okay well there's not much more to say and i DO have homework to do so i shall see you later i guess! au revoir!




Morpheus
Morpheus

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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"Rape is no laughing matter...unless of course, you are raping a clown"


Thursday, December 11th, 2003 7:11 PM

ah bonjour. er... bon nuit. yes, its the same... hehe. grrr i was sick today but i also stayed home to do my homework and kinda sunk even deeper into my pit of self-caused doom instead. *sigh* i actually have a lot to say about a lot that's happened, auditions yesterday, sheila and grayson making up [=) YAY!] and my 2 hour phone conversation with caroline yesterday about dan and jonny and such (by the way, a happy aniversary to caroline and charlie! it's their seciond month =). *sigh* it would have been dan and mine's too but well you know the deal. *sigh* oy. but anyway, even though i have a lot to say i also have alot of homework but DONT have a lot of time so i must go now but i SHALL write later!




"The only difference between the english and retards is the accent" -Ali T.


Monday, December 15, 2003 2:49 PM


aloha mes amis. hmmm.... i really need to get a new greeting cause you guys are probably bored of this one by now. hehe. jonny is legally insane now =). he hasn't slept for 18 hours and about 50 minutes. =) okay but apparently he'll only be insane for about 10 more hours when he'll go to sleep. ye sokay new subject =)

okay (i have a lot of smilie faces but im not relaly smiling.... wait that sounds kinda wierd. well.... okay i dont know what im saying anymore ahhhh jonny's poking me. okay im gonna...stop...this sentence now......[??what the hell am i saying??]). ANYway.... well basically, as recent as i can be dan has been ignoring/ avoiding me all the time so i have decided to further shelter his life and make things less awkward bby not going to lucnh. for this whole week. yesh.

hmmm... now where to begin, so about that phone conversation between caroline and i. grrr the whole time she just told me to get over him and said ithat i should go out with jonny about a BILLION times (hehe dont worry jonny is tres cool but .... well it gets annoying hearing her "subtle" comments about him ALL the time). anyway.. and the wort was the whole time she ept telling me i was exactly like the way she was when she was going out wiht charlie and im NOT. i cannot stress this enough but im so sos so so so NOT her!! grrr. caroline is one of my good friends and all but she's so bugging me about dan. ugh anopther bad part about it is she makes my memories of him that are good really horrible because she twists them around or if she doesnt do that she takes a minute detail and blows it out of proportion. ugh SHE HAS TO FIND A SECRET MEANING TO EVERYTHING AND SHE THINKS SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING AND I HATE IT!!! =( =( i wish she'd just SLOW DOWN and stop thinking about things that arent real or dont need to be thought about. and i wish i could tell her this but if she didnt get actually really hurt by my annoyance she just wouldnt believe me. MEH! why do friends suck? i hate things. but anyway she told me the whole time that he wasnt worth my time and that he's a horrible person and all this CRAP that i just didnt need to hear cause half of it isnt true and the rest is exagerated and irrelevant (and unnecessary, as jonny added). i told her that there'e sno way i could never be a good girlfriend to jonny if i still wasnt over dan and all but no she just plowed on with all her schtuff. i was like crying some of the time too and apparently she thinks her comments are so subtle and unique and good in general. ugh she told me that dan was gonna take a while to come around and that i shoujld get over him and go out with other people until he does. well she doesnt knwo that im not stupid and i AM over him in the sense that im done crying, and that the not going to lunch thing is good in my mind cause if he's just going to ignore me than why should i go? and this way hopefully it'll be easier when i go backl cause maybe everything will calm down. (then again it could all backfire but i hope it's not the latter!). ugh she also told me she was sheltering me froim stuff he said. GOD! i told her that that was the worst thing she could do and to never do that again. GRRR SHE"S JUST LIK HER PARENTS!! ugh. i hate that she believes that shelting people is a good thing. she thinks its smart but really it's the dumbest thing in the world and she needs to stop. i kinda wish i could yell at her a LOT about it.but i know i cant. maybe i just should though. but if i did, wouldnt that just break up our entire lunch group like forever? with the whole dan thing, and then i couldnt go back for caroline either and it'd just be a mute point. ugh nevermind i dont know how to phrase what im saying. well im gonna go now but i might be on later in the week to explain things (there's also some sebastina issues to explain too). c y'all l8er.



3:32 PM

hehe i said "sebastina" instead of sebastian. but anyway ijust took a test:

I am 82% Evil Genius

I am pure evil. I lie awake at night devising schemes of world domination, and I will not rest until all living souls bend to my will.

Take the Evil Genius Test at fuali.com

bye now.



[technically] thursday, january 15th, 2004 1:23 AM

You are CRUSH!
What Finding Nemo Character are You?

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"Now your world moves way too fast, noting's real and nothin' lasts and i'm aware, im in love but you dont care...."



grrr, alice asked me who was better, dan or sebastian, today. how the hell does she have a right to ask me something like that anyway? God... of course i told her to get off it, that i wouldnt answer her and she was like "what? you don't KNOW?" like i was stupid or something. of course i dont know! they're BOTH important to me, i <3 them both very much. i dont think i could live without them... or one of them. that's why it sucks so much when dan's around me but is still ignoring me. every time i see him i want to cry, all i can think of is what we could have been and how i fucked it up when i had something really great. then again, i was/am in a serious state of depression and couldnt have showed him how much he really meant to me with the way that i was. for some reason i thought being with him would solve everything but it just caused more problems cause neither of us knew what to do and it became uncomfortable. but im sre you've heard those last two lines like a billion times. *sigh* by the way, yes it is one in the morning right now and im trying to find a site that will give me a current event article for chinese but with little luck. that may be affected by teh fact that im typing in my journal at the moment instead of searching for stuff, but i think i shall ignore that right now =). hehe anyway.... i dont know what to do about dan. i wish there could be a moment with him where i could just say something to him that we'd both know, or something like a joke and break the tension so we could at least be friends again. if we dont i think i might hate myse;f forever, depression or not. i miss him, i really do, but it's strange- i cant really conjure up what we were like as friends, imean.... i dunno how to explain it, i really don't.....i guess i mean i cant find a way to make that moment i want to happen HAPPEN cause i cant find anything specific that was really between us that he'd actually REMEMBER. hehe, wekll there is the sklar bro's.....hmm there's an idea, but if i made any reference to them caroline would just join in and dan might not even pay attention or do some half-assed laugh when caroline made him or something. grrr. i wish there was someone to ask about this, i would ask grayson cause she became friends with oz again and they went through so much more than dan and i ever did, but he just left and she was pretty upset so im sure how to bring it up without pouring lemon juice in a wound. wow that was a pretty wierd phrase i just used there...err sorry bout that. i am very tired. i have SOOO much homework to do, stupid stupid homework that i stupidly put off for too long and screwed myself over with.grr....


i want to be better at things. like even NORMAL things, like doing homework when i get it and not taking such a goddamned long time. but then again, whenever i make a plan to work on those kinds of things, i always end up discovering that i just dont care about them and that there are more important things to me that im already better at. ugh, conflictions. i should probably change the subject now....


hehe sebastian's so...i dunno, there's not really an adjective for him. the odd thing is he really bugs me but every time he does i just like him more, for the most part (like the weed part doesnt apply, but you get the drift). oh and when he's moody, its not as if he's whiny or anything, he just... i dunno, is oblivious? but maybe thats just me. sometimes though, he's really sweet =). the only problem is he hates PDA, even stuff like in front of his friends mostly, and since whenever we hang out we're ALWYAS with friends nothing ever seems to go anywhere with him. grr. grayson said it seemed like he was afraid of being alone (as in with me), sounds about right....... iwonder what to think though, he's liked me for so long and the more i think about it the more i like him, but then he'll act like he doesnt want to be with me or he sort of will but not entirely, and then i'll do something stupid and complain and... ugh nevermind, im confusing myself. i wish i could show him how much i like him but i dont seem to hae the oppurtunity. oy. saul, one of alice's friends who knows sebastian (he also is jessie leiken's brother) says we're soulmates. hehe i wouldnt go that for but sure, why not. i really wish jonny like him. sebastian i mean. yeah they have fun together but all of sebastinas bad traits come out whenever jonny happens to be around... a lot of people seem to dislike sebastian and/or the way he acts. he'd be a lot better if he was HAPPIER, well.. thats what it seems like to me. that sounds kind of stupid though, i think i phrased it badly and i dont know how to explain what i meant. ugh. anyway.... i dunno. i hate the fact that jonny doesnt like him, cause jonny's so important to me and such. lele doesnt like him either, and neither really does grayson. with them it's more like they're just kinda pissed at him though, not that they really dont LIKE him. they're still friends with him and such, but lele's mad at him cause he dissed her brother and didnt understand the fact that she was actually offended and then grayson is really dissapointed by him with the whole weed thing. i very much second her on that! the next time he does it i;m just gonna tell him that he has a choice between me or weed. at least that way i wont feel like im not as much fun for him as a stupid plant. the sad thing is he really doesnt unerstand why people think weed is bad, its like someone telling someone else to stop eating chocolate or something. you know how choclate's awesome and you know you shouldnt really eat it but you do anyway and its SOOO good? or any good food maybe. why am i comparing this to food? im not hungry at all. sorry if my analogies are retarded, im very tired. =) hehe. hmm... i really wish sebastian would talk to me more about personal stuff, if we ever had the oppurtunity anyway...he's told me things about his family before that i dont think he told many other people or anything. but then again, he probably just doesnt want to talk about personal stuff, he 's very shy....but i dunno. i always feel better after i've gotton something off my chest (i mean why do you think i write in this thing?) and if he feels that way too then i wish he would tell me things, just so i could know thta i could help him in any way....that sounds kinda selfish of me though. *sigh* .....

ewww for hours till school. (well technically 5 but its all good). MEH. gross. i am so stressed out! oy. well i should get off soon but before i do i'll jus ttell some basics that have happened since i last...typed. yes. well let's see, oz left for australia yesterday at 6 in the morning. oddly enough, im really gonna miss him. yeah he was a jerk most of the time but he was also fun, and australian. i know im kind of a poser australian cause it's not like i lived there or anything (yet) but... it's just something that there's no one to share citizenship with anymore. no one eat vegemite with (even though i dont think oz ate it that much)... no one to say stuff like i do sometimes... also no bobblehead moose, but that's another story. hmm... wel grayson's leaving in two weeks. i wonder what ill do...ill need friends to support me but i dont like crying in front of people...although ill just end uop doing that anyway i guess.ugh. i hate that people will see such a weak side of me. god, i wish she just hadnt agreed to move and had been selfish and said she wasnt okay with it. quincy (her sis) doesnt want to move anymore either, and i personally think it;s horribly irresponsible for anne to rip them out in the middle of their high school years (news flash, middle school is jr high!). by the way, alice completely stole all the words i just said from me and spat them out at anne as if she had originaly thought them, stupid bitch. sorry, ihate copycats and she's the biggest one. ANYway. w/e. what else.... hehe i went to jonny's the other day and we watched family even though i had a ton of homework and probably should have done that insted. eh whatever, it was more fun watching family with him than homework would have been! that show is so genius, even if it seems like someone tripping on shrooms wrote it. hehe..hmm... oh yeah and caroline told me someting cool about how she was totally honest with mr. yim the other day about how she thinks he treats her unfairly. i told her that was awesome, that the world didnt have enough honesty these days (boswell taught me that =) ) and it's not like i could be completely wrong, because she says it turned out well, that she'd never been that open with a teacher before and at least now he knows how she feels. yay caroline! hehe. well im probably forgetting something important but i really must depart. au revoir, mes amis!





"Take another piece of me, give my mind a new disease, and the black and white world never fades to grey....."


Thursday, January 29th, 2004.....7:48 PM



hey guess what? today is my two year anniversary of liking dan!


yay

except not.

guh, i hate this. why am i not over him????? grrr, he makes me so mad and i hate him sooo much but then i miss being friends with him and talking to him and i dont know what's wrong with me!!!! >='( grrr. i hate him. no i dont, i dont hate anyone. but..ugh. he makes me so unhappy, but it's not really him it's just me doing it to myself and i hate it. MEH.


well....so a new subject, sorry this one is kinda sad too (god my journal is so depressing, it realy is. sorry bout that...to the.....2...people who read this. yesh. anyway.

so grayosn left today. at around 5/6. yup. left to go 8 states away to Oklahoma. yeah, best day of my life - NOT. i helped her load the last of her stuff along with alice, and the rest of their family of course. im glad i didnt cry or anything....i choked a couple of times, but i got through it. i feel bad though, cause lele couldnt come. grrr. well....the GOOD part about things was that last night lele, grayson, brian and sebastian and i went to tasty(sp? i dont think thats right) diner. (is that how u spell diner? jeez i am so bad at things. eh). originally it was just gonna be lele brian grayson and i, but i had really wanted sebastian to come and tried to make him go but his mom said no, and in the car grayson asked if i wanted to just go kidnap him, and so we gave it one last shot and his mom said yes! yay. i dunno....i wasnt sure what my problem was though, i kept begging him to come which doesnt make any sense cause he really couldnt do anything, his mom said no and such...i dunnno. im not sure what i expected him to do, it was a bit unfair of me, but w/e. ugh. hmmm... so we kidnapped him (as in walked in his house and asked him to come again...kidnapping with consent? yes...sure..) and i sat next to him in the booth. Oh my God, i am SUCH a loser though. i act like such a dork around him, and if im not acting ditzy than im just being mean, i dont know what my problem is. i would say its cause he makes me nervous, caus ehe does, and i really like him so i just can think at all when he's around, but then im ALWAYS been mean to him, even at times when i didnt like him, so i dont know. he's one of the greatest things to me and i take that for granted so much, im surprised he doesnt hate me. i really dont know why he still likes me either. i dont jknw why ANYONE likes me, in any way. im always so mean to everyone, im surprised i even have friends. im such a bitter and cynical person, really. i told that to dr. kay today, im not sure if she believed me. GOD, no one believes that im depressed! just cause im such an inward person. grrr, maybe im not. maybe im just a bad bad person. ugh. sebastians apparently mad at me too and thinks i judge him cause i said that id make him choose between me or weed. im so divided on that and to him it's not even an ISSUE. part of me is really mad that i cant just let it go but thats a very very small part. the other part thinks that it IS an issue and always will be and thats the part that always says mean things and gets him mad at me. but jeez, i mean, come on - yeah, sebastian would have a really tough choice between, you know, a PLANT and someone who loves him. SO HARD, i dont know how i could choose. ugh. I AM NOT GOING OUT WITH SOMEONE WHO DOES WEED! AT ANY TIME! grrr. thats a reason why i really liked dan, cause he was soooo against drugs and drinking and such. i mean he;d make stupid jokes about it but he sometimes acted wierdly after he made them too me and would say that he just kidding, and that he would never get drunk and stuff like that. hmm. it doesnt do any good to compare dan to sebastian though, id probably jsut say something even more mean and stupid. ugh, i hate them both. no,..i dont. but. grr. ugh. ti doesnt help that i hate everything OTHER than sebastian, so when he makes me mad i just hate everything. WHY do i insist on crying over every guy i like? wtf. i really am a bad person, maybe i should just forget about the weed. ugh! but i dont want to and i cant anyway. its not even that he does it that much...barely at all really but still. its bad whenever you do it. at least he doesnt smoke real ciggarettes or anything like that, i think id cry forever after dumping him on the spot. goddamnit.


what is wrong with me>? why cant i just be normal when it comes to emotions? and if i cant ,. why wont anyone believe that im not and help me????????????

grrr. it';s too bad im not stupid enough to commit suicide or something idiotic like that, sometimes it feels like if i just died things would be better for everyone ever. ugh i hate crying, its so weak and stupid. GOD! im too damn afraid of everyting, im just gonna be scared and alone forever and ever cause im the worst person in the world. fuck.

i hate that word. damnit.


same day, 8:33 PM

god, that ebtry was probably so eigth grade. ugh. im discusted with myself.




Air
Air. You think before you act, you look before you
leap. You are very direct, which sometimes can
hurt others. You are always looking for the
truth behind things. Of all the elements,
you're the wisest.

What is your element?
brought to you by Quizilla "I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had..."

Saturday, January 31, 2004 10:28 PM

i dont know why i put that as a quote, i've never even heard that song before...it is a song right? ERR..yes...i don't even know if i have the words right but it just randomly popped into my head. eh anyway...

hehe i love how i originally go ton JUST to make a journal entry and i ended up taking a million quizes on quizilla. i actually have found out quite a bit about myself- i like regular-good-old sex, im the perfect girlfriend(?), i know too much about nightmare before christmas, my sexual appeal is tomboy, and im somehow going to manage marrying brad pitt AND orlando bloom. hell yeah!...er....yeah sure. i'd rather have johnny rzeznik! hehe..but anyway....

grayson called me yesterday from atlanta, she's probably at ehr new house by now. *sigh* meh. i KNOW that i'll see her again (knock wood) but it's te fact that she cant always be around anymore. like the time that sebstian told me that i was leading him on, which was really brave of him, but i felt so guilty after our conversation about it i cried and called grayson and all i had to do was say "come over? please?" and she dropped evrything and argued with her dad on her way out the door and came and made me feel better. it's the fact that she cant really do that anymore that saddens me. grayson's the only person ive truly cried in front of, with the exeption of my mom and alice when i had to leave all my P2P friends at the airport. but..yeah. urgh.

omg, i almost started crying in front of jonny yesterday. jonny!! i hope he couldnt tell or didnt notice.... i mean he's one of my best friends and all but it's still CRYING. its just something i see as as weak and repulsive,.....but only wen i do it....yes, because that makes sense. but anyway, we were talking about sebastian... (surprise?) hmm, ireay hate how i ALWAYS run to jonny to talk about my guy issues, im surprsed he hasnt jus ttold me to shut up already. [that's the beauty of having a friend who doesnt get mad easily and who's also really smart!].hmm i dunno. i really must stop buggering him withh all my problems. the sad thing is i cant even explain to jonny what i think about sebastian.

i hate the fact that all i do is complain about him, when he's really a great guy..just not most of the time. i mean, when he's with other peole, [eSPCIALLY brendan] he's a jerk and sometimes acts really stupid, but when im alone with him (which isnt all too often) hes really nice and just about the greatest guy, and at first it really doesnt seem all that different but...he's just better when he's talking to only one person i guess. i dunno. when he's with other people he's anoyingly obnoxious and makes stupid jokes half the time. dont get me wrong, he's funnny, i mean the jokes are, but after a while they get old. also.... he never treats me like im a girlfriend. i dont mean so much as the PDA's or anything, but when he's with me he treats me in the sme manner he treats everybody else, as if im just another..brendan or something. its really.... i dunno. also, all fo his friends, once again, eSPACIALLY brendan, make me feel really stupid. i mean REALLY stupid, it's really funny at first, but they never stop, even when i TELL them too. okay well that's mostly brendan (who by the way, when i yelled at him for it, said "i'll never stop!" and laughed). tehy honestly have no..respect for me. i dont mean i want them to look up to me (obviously not!) or..treat me like a teacher all the time or anything...but they're all so mean. okay well once again that's mostly brendan, but w/e. the worst part is when sebastian's with them he does the SAME thing to me, just not as extreme. plus, as i've said before, we're never alone, so basically whenever im with him it feels like im really nothing to him. hmmm...that sounds like im really....expective of him, and im not, it's just.... i just never feel like om of any importance whatsoever when im with him, and that makes me wonder why im even "with" him in the first place, if he even likes me at all. i dont want him to like...call me "honey" or anything wierd like that, i just he'd stop being...well...BRENDAN whenever im with him. caus that's who he always turns into..... i know brendan really is a smart person (sometimes) and he's funny, but he's horrible to everyone and thinks he's the shit when he's not. he's also one of the most depressed people i've ever met, not that im in anyway a pshyciatrist or anything (or an english teacher, seeing as how i have a severe disability with spelling pshyciatry...or..w/e) but i HAVE done research, and not only that but he's so transparent. and his family's messed up...yeah he's definetly really depressed. thats what sebastian seems like too, but he got mad at me for saying that/asking him if he was okay too often, so i guess i shouldnt say anything.

grrr, what makes me really mad is that when i asked brendan whether sebastian was mad at me, (because he seemed like it , but then again whenever i ask him about that sort of thing he gets mad so i just asked brendan) he said, among other more pressing matters, that he wants us to do more boyfriend-girlfriend stuff. "Like....play?" i said to brendan, i wasnt mad or anything if thats how it looks, just guiding him on "Well you know, like, making out and stuff." okay, so maybe brendan might not be th most reliable source and therefore im lying, but as he is sebastian's renewed best friend, ill takt that he's telling what he knows to be true. and that makes me soooooooooooo angry! how on earth can sebastian expect us to make out when we're never alone and he treats me like im anyone else half the time? AND, its not like i havnt tried to hang out with him- especially before winter break id ALWAYS ask him what he was doing after school, and he was ALWAYS hanging out with pino or brendan or sam or all of them. oh wait, that's a lie , one time he just went home early cause he was tired. hmmmm...and all the timeswe have hung out it's been with friends. i guess i shuld try to do a little better, i mean a lot of times i ask hm to hang out with me and MY friends (who sort of are his mutual friends - lele and grayson i mean, but they're really cruel to him sometimes, so that might not entirely count,) but not ALL the time. he's never said anything about them being mean to him though.... not seriously anyway. i ALWAYS talk baout how mean his friends are. okay how mean brendan is, sam is awesome and pino is okay. i do tell grayson and lele to be nice though... sometimes they DO go too far. that's when i get mean, and its almost like the way sebastian is with me, which is definetly something i regret.....i dunno, i have my faults, and i should trest him better too, but just cause i have my flaws doesnt mean sebastian doesnt have his. come to think of it, i really dont show him how much he means to me..but then again, i dont really ever seem to get the chance. i AM trying to stop acting retarded around him though, i really am....i dunno. as i told jonny yestrday, it's getting to the point where i cant control my outbursts anymore. i dont quite understand why im such an angry person. sebastian's one of few things that makes me happy anymore...but not lately, and so all i am is frustrated with him. hey though, that's not to say my complaints arent just! i do TRY to make an effort, i try to call him ever once in a while, but i dont thnk he's a phone person.... which isnt that bad cause im really not either. he always sounded so pissed when he was on the phone, and it always felt like he was pissed at me, so i'd always ask him if he was okay, but he gets mad that i ask that too much. then sstop sounding annoyed or if you are tell the truth then, damnit!grrr. i dont know what he wants of me cause he never really expresses it. i thnk the making uot thing may have been the other day when he asked me to come in and get thhe x-mas present he got for me (which is the sweetest thing ever, an example of how i like him cause he really is a good guy, for all of you who dont believe me, but makes me feel kind of guilty because im really poor and litterally only have a dollar 80 at the moment and cant really buy him anything....not that he likes anything anyway...but back to the story) and i said no because grayson told me that brian was already past his cerfew along with lele, (well i mean she told me their curfews and i knew what the time was and that they were both late, and when he suggested it brian or grayson, i dont remember, automatically said that they couldnt wait for me because the car was almost out of gas, and so i said that i wouldnt come in, and i gave him a smile of liek "ee sorry" but it probably looked like i was just being stupid in the dark. also cause guys know like 4 colours and 2 emothions anyway, so what could a face mean. right i really didnt phrase that well at all but back to the story. anyway so when i sat back down in the car after he got inside, lele goes "wow." she sounded kinda mad too.
what?" i said.
"he was SO going to kiss you in there!"
"WHAT!?!?!? well.. why didnt you tell me this before? i mean, why didtn you make me go in there? what? but...ugh....."
at this point grayson made brian drive back and asked of i wanted to go in, but lele said it woul be awkward cause i knew what was coming anyway, and i was scared as well and the car was dying (well it always is so maybe that doesnt count) and we drove to the gas station. OY! i soooooooooooooooo regret having not just ignored grayson and running in with him, but then again, i felt so guilty anyway cause it was grayson's going-away night and all i could think of was sebastian.....it was really selfich of me. grrr. BOTH things were selfish of me. MEH! oh this thing has me all confused and twisted....oi vey. meh.

i would swtich to a new subject but i've already written a LOT and i dont think anyone would be able to keep on reading if i wrote anymore. you know, any of the 2, 3 people who read this (arent i so popular? heh jk). eh. i must go to sleep, or be productive or something, mom wants me too and it's about 11:30. sayonara or however you spell it!


eating people
YOU EAT PEOPLE!!!

what's YOUR deepest secret?
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"Is that your IQ, or a picute of a donut?"

Super Bowl Sunday, February 1st, 2004

hehe, that quote above is from sebastian on his english class's assignment on insults, i think perhaps it is the greatest thing i've ever heard. hehehehehe. oh he makes me laugh.

random happy thought about sebastian! (there arent enough of those from me anymore) it is SOOOOO great when he holds one of my hands in both of his, ahhh!!! hehe i was whishing he would do that when we went with grayson lele and brian to dinner and he finnally did and yay! hehe it makes me happy, i feel like twiterpatting! [for those of you who inevidably dont remember, thats when thumper in bambi shakes his leg a lot on the ground, you know when you scratch a dog behind the ears and they thump their leg on the ground?....right i'll stop now]. right.....so....that is my good thought about sebastian, i dont say anything good about him in here so i thought i shoudl start.....

hmm what happened today...i went to a chinese festival at Lakeforest Mall, which is actually very nice, for some reason i thought it would be ghetto...some girls there were on a scavenger hunt and came up to me and asked to take a picture as they had to find someone with sandals on without socks. hehe, seee some good DOES come out of my stubborness! hehe.....we saw this little chorus there of elementary students singing some chinese song, but half of them were add and werent even paying attentiopn to what was going on and the other half were holding hands and swaying to the song, it was the cutest thing! hehe, and there were some other presentations like chinese cooking and dances and martial arts and such, it was cool. oh and my dad came over a few minutes ago (it's 4:50) and told me about my computer (he took it to fix it and he's had it since august) AND he told me that his electric guitar was NOT for alice and that i could play it if i wanted to. YAY! hehe, i think the only people who read this thing know wabout the electric guitar story so i shall not delve into that. grrr, dad and linda havent even named the baby yet! hmph, ah well. at least they have ideas, and they know not to name it anything dumb, like dorchus or anything (which by the way, is the name of someone they both know, sadly enough). eh. well i must depart to do homework (ewww!) g'bye chums.





"I think about you all the time, but I dont need the same....it's lonely where you are, come back down, and I wont tell your name..."

Monday February 2nd, 2004 6:58 AM

yeah, i love how when i ask my mom to take me to school she justs sits there for a few minutes until almost seven and then has the nerve to complain that im late. hellO! urgh. i gtg to school i think her highness is ready. c yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.



"Sometimes you're afraid to like someone. You're afraid of losing what you already have with that person. But, life is all about risks. Don't be a person who has to look back & wonder what they would have or could have had. No one waits forever."

Friday, February 13, 2004 2:13 PM


oi. i actually have a lot to talk about and i should talk abot it but i dont feel like it much. i really wanted to put that quote in though, i just read it in some zine i got online. i dont know who said it though, cause they didnt tell me, so i cant gove credit to anyone or anything like that. eh. i stayed home sick today =(. grrr, everything hurts. well i gotta go do som e work (but ill probably end uop sleeping some more) but ill be back later hopefully, i my sis doesnt steal the coomputer away first (which actually, she probably will) c y'all later.





***********



"and i
fall
i dont wanna feel this
small
you know i just cant handle this,
handle this at all,
and so I
fall

i let my heartbeat drop,
i falter as the music stops,
and you watch me as I stall,
and wonder when I
fall"


Saturday, february 14, 2004, 3:38 PM
Keira's Birthday

....best...song..... hehe well one of them anyway. ahhhh my nw baby sister was born today! yay. hehe. dad said i might get to see her tommorrow. =). yay. her name is keira, but you say it "keer-uh" instead of "key-air-uh" lkke kiera knightly. eh w/e, its all good. eee i didnt ask her middle name though, it might be McCaylla or err... however ur supposed to spell it. eee i ma very bad a t spelling! hehe. well at least she was born today, kind of makes valentines day a lot better, considering how ive always hated it anyway. hmm, its odd you'd think that i'd like it now that im NOT single, but actually it kinda sucks even more. i'd never want sebastian to get me anything or whatnot, cause i kinda think that's stupid...well, not stupid as much as abnormally cheesy, and some presents turn out to be wierd (that's another story i'll tell later) ut...well im not even hanging out with him or anything. actually, he hasnt talked to me in the past 2 and 1/2 weeks. its not that he's been busy or anything (actually thats a little unfair of me to say, i wouldnt REALLY know considering that i havent talked to him,) but he just hasnt BOTHERED to talk to me. yeah. for 2 and 1/2 weeks.....i meran, i heard that he was kind of mad at me, but it was about an issue we always seem to talk about anyway, (part of it), and i would think that if he was really mad at me he would just talk to me about it but he hasn't, he has'nt talked to me at all. and i mean, if look at things, it;s understandable- well, here's how it is:

i was complaining to lele about how whenever i woulad ask him if he was free he would always be hanging out with his friends or his mom would jsut be being wierd and didnt want him doing anything. also, he used to kind of find me after school but that kind of died, and i said that he was never REALLY online because every time i imed him he'd be away and had forgotten to put up his away message or w/e, and of course our phone conversations were short-lived because usually his parent smade him get off or there wasn't much to talk about. so she said, well if he doesnt 'make the effort' than neither should you. then i figured fine, what harm could it really do, i'll just stop calling cause we never have good conversations anyway, and i'll stop IMing him cause he's never there anyway, and i'll stop asking him to do stuff cause he never really can. fine. so i did, i stopped.

and he hasn't talke to me in 2 1/2 weeks!

alright, now lets go through these three basic forms of communication again- i understand not calling, i dont think he's a phone person, alright then. i understand not IMing, im not onling that much and he's not there all the time, okay with that. i understand not seeing me at school casue we dont eat lunch together and dont have any classes with or near eachother, and i dont think he really stays after school much. okay. but it's the fact that all of those things are put together to the point where he just doesnt even try to make any form of communication with me, (his girlfriend, because apparently i am) that gets to me. i mean...unless he's really mad at me and not a man enough to talk to me about it, (which he usually would be, so i dont see why he wouldnt now,) there really is no reason at all that he just hasn't talked to me. obviously,if there's no reason, then i guess he just doesnt..... care enough to bother to seek me out. and you know what, that really hurts. there's always the possibility that he noticed that i wasnt talking to him and thought that i was mad at him but if it was wouldnt he takl to me about it? part of me wishes i just hadnt stopped trying and things would just be as they were and maybe i'd see him more, casue i really dont like knowing the fact that im just not important enough to him for him to bother to seek me out. grrr. it makes me sadder than i would be if i was jsut single on v-day. uuuuuuuugggghhhh. i feel so alone and un-loved. *sigh* oh whatever. im going to ask him whats wrong on tuesday, and why he hasnt bothered to communicate with me at all. MEH. i have to see LOTR Return of the King with my mom, which is cool cause i love that movie but it'll be wierd because she'll cry and.....well....it's wierd when she cries and i dont know what to do. eeee. well au revoir i shall write later.




there's no place like home, there's no place like home.....



Which Pirates of the Caribbean character are you?