Air. You think before you act, you look before you
leap. You are very direct, which sometimes can
hurt others. You are always looking for the
truth behind things. Of all the elements,
you're the wisest.

What is your element?
brought to you by Quizilla "I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad, the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had..."

Saturday, January 31, 2004 10:28 PM

i dont know why i put that as a quote, i've never even heard that song before...it is a song right? ERR..yes...i don't even know if i have the words right but it just randomly popped into my head. eh anyway...

hehe i love how i originally go ton JUST to make a journal entry and i ended up taking a million quizes on quizilla. i actually have found out quite a bit about myself- i like regular-good-old sex, im the perfect girlfriend(?), i know too much about nightmare before christmas, my sexual appeal is tomboy, and im somehow going to manage marrying brad pitt AND orlando bloom. hell yeah!...er....yeah sure. i'd rather have johnny rzeznik! hehe..but anyway....

grayson called me yesterday from atlanta, she's probably at ehr new house by now. *sigh* meh. i KNOW that i'll see her again (knock wood) but it's te fact that she cant always be around anymore. like the time that sebstian told me that i was leading him on, which was really brave of him, but i felt so guilty after our conversation about it i cried and called grayson and all i had to do was say "come over? please?" and she dropped evrything and argued with her dad on her way out the door and came and made me feel better. it's the fact that she cant really do that anymore that saddens me. grayson's the only person ive truly cried in front of, with the exeption of my mom and alice when i had to leave all my P2P friends at the airport. but..yeah. urgh.

omg, i almost started crying in front of jonny yesterday. jonny!! i hope he couldnt tell or didnt notice.... i mean he's one of my best friends and all but it's still CRYING. its just something i see as as weak and repulsive,.....but only wen i do it....yes, because that makes sense. but anyway, we were talking about sebastian... (surprise?) hmm, ireay hate how i ALWAYS run to jonny to talk about my guy issues, im surprsed he hasnt jus ttold me to shut up already. [that's the beauty of having a friend who doesnt get mad easily and who's also really smart!].hmm i dunno. i really must stop buggering him withh all my problems. the sad thing is i cant even explain to jonny what i think about sebastian.

i hate the fact that all i do is complain about him, when he's really a great guy..just not most of the time. i mean, when he's with other peole, [eSPCIALLY brendan] he's a jerk and sometimes acts really stupid, but when im alone with him (which isnt all too often) hes really nice and just about the greatest guy, and at first it really doesnt seem all that different but...he's just better when he's talking to only one person i guess. i dunno. when he's with other people he's anoyingly obnoxious and makes stupid jokes half the time. dont get me wrong, he's funnny, i mean the jokes are, but after a while they get old. also.... he never treats me like im a girlfriend. i dont mean so much as the PDA's or anything, but when he's with me he treats me in the sme manner he treats everybody else, as if im just another..brendan or something. its really.... i dunno. also, all fo his friends, once again, eSPACIALLY brendan, make me feel really stupid. i mean REALLY stupid, it's really funny at first, but they never stop, even when i TELL them too. okay well that's mostly brendan (who by the way, when i yelled at him for it, said "i'll never stop!" and laughed). tehy honestly have no..respect for me. i dont mean i want them to look up to me (obviously not!) or..treat me like a teacher all the time or anything...but they're all so mean. okay well once again that's mostly brendan, but w/e. the worst part is when sebastian's with them he does the SAME thing to me, just not as extreme. plus, as i've said before, we're never alone, so basically whenever im with him it feels like im really nothing to him. hmmm...that sounds like im really....expective of him, and im not, it's just.... i just never feel like om of any importance whatsoever when im with him, and that makes me wonder why im even "with" him in the first place, if he even likes me at all. i dont want him to like...call me "honey" or anything wierd like that, i just he'd stop being...well...BRENDAN whenever im with him. caus that's who he always turns into..... i know brendan really is a smart person (sometimes) and he's funny, but he's horrible to everyone and thinks he's the shit when he's not. he's also one of the most depressed people i've ever met, not that im in anyway a pshyciatrist or anything (or an english teacher, seeing as how i have a severe disability with spelling pshyciatry...or..w/e) but i HAVE done research, and not only that but he's so transparent. and his family's messed up...yeah he's definetly really depressed. thats what sebastian seems like too, but he got mad at me for saying that/asking him if he was okay too often, so i guess i shouldnt say anything.

grrr, what makes me really mad is that when i asked brendan whether sebastian was mad at me, (because he seemed like it , but then again whenever i ask him about that sort of thing he gets mad so i just asked brendan) he said, among other more pressing matters, that he wants us to do more boyfriend-girlfriend stuff. "Like....play?" i said to brendan, i wasnt mad or anything if thats how it looks, just guiding him on "Well you know, like, making out and stuff." okay, so maybe brendan might not be th most reliable source and therefore im lying, but as he is sebastian's renewed best friend, ill takt that he's telling what he knows to be true. and that makes me soooooooooooo angry! how on earth can sebastian expect us to make out when we're never alone and he treats me like im anyone else half the time? AND, its not like i havnt tried to hang out with him- especially before winter break id ALWAYS ask him what he was doing after school, and he was ALWAYS hanging out with pino or brendan or sam or all of them. oh wait, that's a lie , one time he just went home early cause he was tired. hmmmm...and all the timeswe have hung out it's been with friends. i guess i shuld try to do a little better, i mean a lot of times i ask hm to hang out with me and MY friends (who sort of are his mutual friends - lele and grayson i mean, but they're really cruel to him sometimes, so that might not entirely count,) but not ALL the time. he's never said anything about them being mean to him though.... not seriously anyway. i ALWAYS talk baout how mean his friends are. okay how mean brendan is, sam is awesome and pino is okay. i do tell grayson and lele to be nice though... sometimes they DO go too far. that's when i get mean, and its almost like the way sebastian is with me, which is definetly something i regret.....i dunno, i have my faults, and i should trest him better too, but just cause i have my flaws doesnt mean sebastian doesnt have his. come to think of it, i really dont show him how much he means to me..but then again, i dont really ever seem to get the chance. i AM trying to stop acting retarded around him though, i really am....i dunno. as i told jonny yestrday, it's getting to the point where i cant control my outbursts anymore. i dont quite understand why im such an angry person. sebastian's one of few things that makes me happy anymore...but not lately, and so all i am is frustrated with him. hey though, that's not to say my complaints arent just! i do TRY to make an effort, i try to call him ever once in a while, but i dont thnk he's a phone person.... which isnt that bad cause im really not either. he always sounded so pissed when he was on the phone, and it always felt like he was pissed at me, so i'd always ask him if he was okay, but he gets mad that i ask that too much. then sstop sounding annoyed or if you are tell the truth then, damnit!grrr. i dont know what he wants of me cause he never really expresses it. i thnk the making uot thing may have been the other day when he asked me to come in and get thhe x-mas present he got for me (which is the sweetest thing ever, an example of how i like him cause he really is a good guy, for all of you who dont believe me, but makes me feel kind of guilty because im really poor and litterally only have a dollar 80 at the moment and cant really buy him anything....not that he likes anything anyway...but back to the story) and i said no because grayson told me that brian was already past his cerfew along with lele, (well i mean she told me their curfews and i knew what the time was and that they were both late, and when he suggested it brian or grayson, i dont remember, automatically said that they couldnt wait for me because the car was almost out of gas, and so i said that i wouldnt come in, and i gave him a smile of liek "ee sorry" but it probably looked like i was just being stupid in the dark. also cause guys know like 4 colours and 2 emothions anyway, so what could a face mean. right i really didnt phrase that well at all but back to the story. anyway so when i sat back down in the car after he got inside, lele goes "wow." she sounded kinda mad too.
what?" i said.
"he was SO going to kiss you in there!"
"WHAT!?!?!? well.. why didnt you tell me this before? i mean, why didtn you make me go in there? what? but...ugh....."
at this point grayson made brian drive back and asked of i wanted to go in, but lele said it woul be awkward cause i knew what was coming anyway, and i was scared as well and the car was dying (well it always is so maybe that doesnt count) and we drove to the gas station. OY! i soooooooooooooooo regret having not just ignored grayson and running in with him, but then again, i felt so guilty anyway cause it was grayson's going-away night and all i could think of was sebastian.....it was really selfich of me. grrr. BOTH things were selfish of me. MEH! oh this thing has me all confused and twisted....oi vey. meh.

i would swtich to a new subject but i've already written a LOT and i dont think anyone would be able to keep on reading if i wrote anymore. you know, any of the 2, 3 people who read this (arent i so popular? heh jk). eh. i must go to sleep, or be productive or something, mom wants me too and it's about 11:30. sayonara or however you spell it!

YOU EAT PEOPLE!!!

what's YOUR deepest secret?
brought to you by Quizilla "Is that your IQ, or a picute of a donut?"

Super Bowl Sunday, February 1st, 2004

hehe, that quote above is from sebastian on his english class's assignment on insults, i think perhaps it is the greatest thing i've ever heard. hehehehehe. oh he makes me laugh.

random happy thought about sebastian! (there arent enough of those from me anymore) it is SOOOOO great when he holds one of my hands in both of his, ahhh!!! hehe i was whishing he would do that when we went with grayson lele and brian to dinner and he finnally did and yay! hehe it makes me happy, i feel like twiterpatting! [for those of you who inevidably dont remember, thats when thumper in bambi shakes his leg a lot on the ground, you know when you scratch a dog behind the ears and they thump their leg on the ground?....right i'll stop now]. right.....so....that is my good thought about sebastian, i dont say anything good about him in here so i thought i shoudl start.....

hmm what happened today...i went to a chinese festival at Lakeforest Mall, which is actually very nice, for some reason i thought it would be ghetto...some girls there were on a scavenger hunt and came up to me and asked to take a picture as they had to find someone with sandals on without socks. hehe, seee some good DOES come out of my stubborness! hehe.....we saw this little chorus there of elementary students singing some chinese song, but half of them were add and werent even paying attentiopn to what was going on and the other half were holding hands and swaying to the song, it was the cutest thing! hehe, and there were some other presentations like chinese cooking and dances and martial arts and such, it was cool. oh and my dad came over a few minutes ago (it's 4:50) and told me about my computer (he took it to fix it and he's had it since august) AND he told me that his electric guitar was NOT for alice and that i could play it if i wanted to. YAY! hehe, i think the only people who read this thing know wabout the electric guitar story so i shall not delve into that. grrr, dad and linda havent even named the baby yet! hmph, ah well. at least they have ideas, and they know not to name it anything dumb, like dorchus or anything (which by the way, is the name of someone they both know, sadly enough). eh. well i must depart to do homework (ewww!) g'bye chums.

"I think about you all the time, but I dont need the same....it's lonely where you are, come back down, and I wont tell your name..."

Monday February 2nd, 2004 6:58 AM

yeah, i love how when i ask my mom to take me to school she justs sits there for a few minutes until almost seven and then has the nerve to complain that im late. hellO! urgh. i gtg to school i think her highness is ready. c yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

"Sometimes you're afraid to like someone. You're afraid of losing what you already have with that person. But, life is all about risks. Don't be a person who has to look back & wonder what they would have or could have had. No one waits forever."

Friday, February 13, 2004 2:13 PM

oi. i actually have a lot to talk about and i should talk abot it but i dont feel like it much. i really wanted to put that quote in though, i just read it in some zine i got online. i dont know who said it though, cause they didnt tell me, so i cant gove credit to anyone or anything like that. eh. i stayed home sick today =(. grrr, everything hurts. well i gotta go do som e work (but ill probably end uop sleeping some more) but ill be back later hopefully, i my sis doesnt steal the coomputer away first (which actually, she probably will) c y'all later.

***********



"and i
fall
i dont wanna feel this
small
you know i just cant handle this,
handle this at all,
and so I
fall

i let my heartbeat drop,
i falter as the music stops,
and you watch me as I stall,
and wonder when I
fall"

Saturday, february 14, 2004, 3:38 PM
Keira's Birthday

....best...song..... hehe well one of them anyway. ahhhh my nw baby sister was born today! yay. hehe. dad said i might get to see her tommorrow. =). yay. her name is keira, but you say it "keer-uh" instead of "key-air-uh" lkke kiera knightly. eh w/e, its all good. eee i didnt ask her middle name though, it might be McCaylla or err... however ur supposed to spell it. eee i ma very bad a t spelling! hehe. well at least she was born today, kind of makes valentines day a lot better, considering how ive always hated it anyway. hmm, its odd you'd think that i'd like it now that im NOT single, but actually it kinda sucks even more. i'd never want sebastian to get me anything or whatnot, cause i kinda think that's stupid...well, not stupid as much as abnormally cheesy, and some presents turn out to be wierd (that's another story i'll tell later) ut...well im not even hanging out with him or anything. actually, he hasnt talked to me in the past 2 and 1/2 weeks. its not that he's been busy or anything (actually thats a little unfair of me to say, i wouldnt REALLY know considering that i havent talked to him,) but he just hasnt BOTHERED to talk to me. yeah. for 2 and 1/2 weeks.....i meran, i heard that he was kind of mad at me, but it was about an issue we always seem to talk about anyway, (part of it), and i would think that if he was really mad at me he would just talk to me about it but he hasn't, he has'nt talked to me at all. and i mean, if look at things, it;s understandable- well, here's how it is:

i was complaining to lele about how whenever i woulad ask him if he was free he would always be hanging out with his friends or his mom would jsut be being wierd and didnt want him doing anything. also, he used to kind of find me after school but that kind of died, and i said that he was never REALLY online because every time i imed him he'd be away and had forgotten to put up his away message or w/e, and of course our phone conversations were short-lived because usually his parent smade him get off or there wasn't much to talk about. so she said, well if he doesnt 'make the effort' than neither should you. then i figured fine, what harm could it really do, i'll just stop calling cause we never have good conversations anyway, and i'll stop IMing him cause he's never there anyway, and i'll stop asking him to do stuff cause he never really can. fine. so i did, i stopped.

and he hasn't talke to me in 2 1/2 weeks!

alright, now lets go through these three basic forms of communication again- i understand not calling, i dont think he's a phone person, alright then. i understand not IMing, im not onling that much and he's not there all the time, okay with that. i understand not seeing me at school casue we dont eat lunch together and dont have any classes with or near eachother, and i dont think he really stays after school much. okay. but it's the fact that all of those things are put together to the point where he just doesnt even try to make any form of communication with me, (his girlfriend, because apparently i am) that gets to me. i mean...unless he's really mad at me and not a man enough to talk to me about it, (which he usually would be, so i dont see why he wouldnt now,) there really is no reason at all that he just hasn't talked to me. obviously,if there's no reason, then i guess he just doesnt..... care enough to bother to seek me out. and you know what, that really hurts. there's always the possibility that he noticed that i wasnt talking to him and thought that i was mad at him but if it was wouldnt he takl to me about it? part of me wishes i just hadnt stopped trying and things would just be as they were and maybe i'd see him more, casue i really dont like knowing the fact that im just not important enough to him for him to bother to seek me out. grrr. it makes me sadder than i would be if i was jsut single on v-day. uuuuuuuugggghhhh. i feel so alone and un-loved. *sigh* oh whatever. im going to ask him whats wrong on tuesday, and why he hasnt bothered to communicate with me at all. MEH. i have to see LOTR Return of the King with my mom, which is cool cause i love that movie but it'll be wierd because she'll cry and.....well....it's wierd when she cries and i dont know what to do. eeee. well au revoir i shall write later.

there's no place like home, there's no place like home.....



Which Pirates of the Caribbean character are you?