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I know I will
(my public record)

# December 21th 2002 #
Last night I woke up, I was all alone in bed. I know where he was, at least I thought I knew. I was so pumped up, I took the gun from my drawer, this must be the moment I was waiting for. The best thing was to catch him in the act! My hart was beating at a rate it had never beaten before, my hands were sweaty. But yet I was determined to do the right thing. But when I entered my daughters room, he was not there, she was asleep and didn't even hear me enter. Or maybe she pretended to be asleep, because she thought I was him? Then I heard a sound in the kitchen below, I heard the fridgedoor slam, I guess he was just drinking something. I went back to bed, he came back just minutes after that. I think I stayed awake the rest of the night, waiting for him to creep out, but he didn't. This was probably not the right moment, although I am ready.

# December 20th 2002 #
I have no doubts anymore, it has to be done. Yesterday evening I had doubts, he was sweet, we had dinner together, all of us. He told a story about his childhood, about his grandmother, she always came to visit, just days before christmas. Back then she was already very old and couldn't handle to much people, a maximum of three people, otherwise she could not follow the coversations in the room. His parenrs always invited her just days before christmas, so she was comfortable. I'm not sure why he told this story, it came out of nothing, but anyway, it was sweet and the kids listened.

My daughter is getting more quiet, but that could also be because of her period, but it's another kind of silence now. I want to talk to her, but I don't know how. She sees me as the same enemy, I let it happen. She feels alone, I would feel alone if I were her. But she also understands that telling won't help, just like me, nobody will believe her. It's a small town we live in, we all know eachother. I came in just a few years ago, he wanted to get back to his hometown again. He had a joboffer and in this short time he now has climbed up the social ladder, he is a respected man. And it is true, he has done good for this community, problems that seemed unsolvable he solved. Cases that had no clues, he could unravel. They look up to him, they see him as the perfect policeman.

# December 19th 2002 #
He wanted to know where I went this morning, I normally do not go out today, I only go out for groceries and we were not in need of anything, he knows. I told him I wanted to get some more medicine, christmas is coming and our doctor will be on holiday, I don't want any replacement to give me a prescription.

It is hard to get a gun in this country, you have to know the right people. This morning I went to see an old friend of mine and I told him I needed a gun, for safety. He knows where my husband works, but he did not ask, he just gave me a light pistol, that's what he called it. A gun is for men, this is a light pistol for safety use, he said. I cannot believe that I laughed, but I did. I felt some kind of a relief, buying that gun. My daughters future is in that gun.

# December 18th 2002 #
It happened again, last night, I did not see it, I dit not hear anything, but it happened. He left home early today, for work. I wanted to talk to her, but I can't, I'm too ashamed, I let it happen, time and time again.
She is so quiet, she has no friends but still she goes off to somewhere and comes home late. I quess she just wants to escape, but she keeps coming back, for me I think. I want to say to her that she must stay away, don't come back, but he will find her. It's his job to find people, the whole department will go out looking and she will be back home soon. She is trapped, just as I am. Who would believe a woman like me, I am addicted to prozac, I have never worked in my life, he's my 3rd husband and my divorces where because of me cheating on my husband. I know this will not look good in court, but I'm not afraid anymore, I'm making plans. My life is not important, my daugthers life is, she will understand and I hope my son will understand.

# December 17th 2002 #
We have two kids, one daughter (14) and one son (11). I'm not worried about my son, he doesn't know, he's too young to see what is happening. But I do worrie about what will happen to him after my deed. It will be traumatic, but it will be more traumatic for him if he finds out that I let it happen. And I don't, I want to stop it. I know I will!

# December 15th 2002 #
This morning I knew it had to be done, he has to go. He has to go away for ever.

I know he will not be there to tell his story, but I can tell you that even if he would, it would be a lie.

This will be my public record, I know I cannot use it in court, but I want people to know the reason for what I am about to do.

 


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