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My Interweb Journal


An Exploration in Narcissism

Hey, Look Here

I've moved to LiveJournal.com, so I won't be updating here anymore. Everything has been moved to my new journal, and you can read it here.

This is my online journal. I'm basically going to summarize my days and give you my take on it. I'm not going to write about anything other than myself. Hopefully, though, I present this information in a humorous yet informative way, so perhaps it will be an interesting read. Plus, why pass up the opportunity to view random and/or hilarious GIFs?

Also, I'm Dustin. Hi.

Profile:Yeah, I'm seventeen. Generally happy.Generally un-happy. Waiting anxiously and un-patiently for college to begin so I can start a life of my own and be more of myself. I want to go to film school to learn to write (better) and direct films. You can make whatever judgement about my personality you want by reading my journal... And, that's pretty much it.

Interests:

Movies, Books, (bah--some) Videogames, Music, College (Film Scool), Writing, Running, Working out, Boys

E-MAIL ME BY CLICKING HERE AND THEN TYPING IN YOUR COMMENTS AND THEN CLICKING THE SEND BUTTON -- OK -- GOOD :)


This site is now nothing more than a place for me to load images onto the web so that I can put them on Livejournal. At least it's being useful.

July 23, 2003
10:09 PM
Mood:

Hey, just out of the blue, here are some fun facts about me:

1) I don't like drugs. They're dumb, they make you dumb, and they kill you faster than everyday life does. Complete waste of time, energy, and money.
2) I don't like reckless driving. It gets people hurt and killed, and it's dumb, and costly, and not worth it at all.

Wow. That's pretty interesting. Why the hell did you begin the conversation by telling me that?

Well, that's because I had a bad fucking day, and I'm going to rant about it, and you will listen, or I'll burn out your eyeballs with a blow torch and send you to a quadrant of hell where people play "eye spy" for all fucking eternity.

Well, golly, I guess I'd better listen.

Yeah. I woke up at past noon today. But it was on big deal. I've been doing that all summer. It doesn't bother me anymore. Lazed around for a few hours. Read the paper. Watched some TV. Actually, I don't really remember what I did. But I know that time passed somehow, and it became two thirty. I called Sam to see if she wanted to go running tonight. He couldn't due to church. But that was cool. Then I decided to call Sam, since I hadn't seen her in a while, and I wanted to do something with her (see The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen). She said she was broke, but we could do something else. So that was cool. She had to do something, and said she would call me back at four.

So I showered, and then wrote. Yes, I actually sat down at the computer and wrote. I'm completely rewriting the pilot to Astraea, and started the first scene. It was quite a happy scene. The main character is twelve and decides to make a cry for help by smashing a mirror and then slitting her wrists with the broken glass. So I was kind of out of it when Sam called. She and her mom were planning on going to Monical's to grab something to eat, and wanted to know if I wanted to come. I said sure. Called my mom and told her my plans. She asked if Columbia had put up their Fall '04 application yet, and I told her I didn't think so. So she told me to send an E-mail to them (again, because I have already done that) and ask for one, and then started giving me long, detailed ideas about what to say, and I told her I didn't need any ideas, and she apologized for overbearing. Sigh. I guess she's trying, at least.

Went to Monical's. Sam, her mom, and I got there at pretty much the same time. We went inside, sat, ordered. Conversed a bit. I was still kind of spacey from writing, and not really in a social mood, so I didn't talk that much. I felt tired for some reason. And also, it was awkward socializing with someone's mother, even though I've hung out with Sam's mom before and she's really nice. I guess I just wasn't in the best of moods. Conversing wasn't really my thing at the time. Then Sam delivered some "bad" news about Steve.

Is Steve that effeminate cute gay guy that Sam tried to hook you up with before you left for film camp.

Uh-huh. Well, guess what Steve decided to do a few weeks ago?

Honestly, I'm on the edge of me seat.

He's gone straight! He's sick of all the bullshit that comes with being gay: people thinking he has AIDS, people not respecting him, all that bullshit. So, he's straight now.

Isn't that kind of what Brian decided to do after you had that date with him?

Yeah.

That's kind of funny...

Anyway. He still acts like himself (which is kind of fem). And I asked if he actually likes girls, and Sam kind of laughed, so I don't think he does. Good luck with that.

Actually, it doesn't bother me that much that he's gone straight. What bothers me is that he decided to go straight after he met me. Exactly like Brian. Sam doesn't think it has anything to do with me though, and neither do I for that matter, but doesn't anyone else find that to be a strange coincidence? Grrr.

We paid. Sam wanted me to go to her house to watch a movie. I wasn't really in the mood, but agreed to because it would be a chance to get something in my head. When we got to her house, John, one of her friends, who is so insanely effeminate and trashy that he makes me blush (with anger and hatred). He likes Barbara Streisand, and Cher is his god, he talks about having a vagina, and pretty much every word that comes out of his mouth is or is related to "gay sex." And he's really fucking fat. Sam and his mother don't like him at all either. But she said it was okay for him to come over, and then we just sat around in the living room making fun of John and waiting for him to arrive. John hits on me occasionally, so we joked about arming me with the knife Sam was playing with for protection against him.

John arrived, and so did Susan, both in separate cars. Susan parked her truck behind my car, and John parked his little gay looking car in front of and fucking perpendicular to my car. I was completely boxed in. They enter. Sam and Sam's mom were happy to see John and Susan. John talked about gay sex and fetishes. Sam showed us some things she had bought at a porn shop (like hand-cuffs and stuff). John talked about gay sex some more. Then he bitched about how his family got together and decided that his "fat ass" couldn't go on vacation with them because he would destroy their car-seats (because his ass was so fat). Then he made fun of Steve for going straight, and Sam got really pissed off and defensive. Threatened to make him leave. It was like he was a child... Well, he is a dumb child, so I can see that... Then, they started talking about pot. All this while Mrs. Sam's mom was in the room. That's when it happened.

Sam: "Let's get my mom high!"

So they did. Marijuana literally materialized out of thin air. Sam's mom was apprehensive but excited about her first hit. Everyone taught her how to use a "bowl" to smoke the pot. I asked to smell the pot, because last year I found a bag of something that looked like pot in my car that Kristin had left there, and when I asked her about it, she told me it was tobacco from a cigarette. I figured it was pot, but bought her story. Now, I'm not so sure. Also, when I was little, I found this wooden box in my mom's room that had a pipe and a bag of "stuff" that my mom would smoke. I've always wondered if that was marijuana. Strangely, when I smelled the pot at Sam's house, it smelled familiar.

Sam's mom took a hit. Nothing happened. Sam took three hits. Susan took some hits. John took some hits. I was rather uncomfortable, and the air was heavy with smoke. Sam's mom started acting goofy. I genuinely found it funny, but I was still really uncomfortable. Sam started being dumb. John acted faggier, and Susan wasn't affected at all. At one point, I started to feel lightheaded and began laughing hysterically. I guess the smoke was getting to me a little bit. I decided to leave. It was almost seven. But first, I had to get out.

John floored the gas pedal when he was trying to back out of his parking spot. Fortunately, nothing happened. The wheels didn't move at all. Possibly because he didn't have the car in gear. He was incredibly confused and couldn't find out why the car wasn't moving. Then Sam tried, and she couldn't figure it out either. The neighbors were staring and laughing. Maybe they were high too. Susan finally stepped up to the plate and moved her car for me. I left.

On the way home, I noticed that everyone was driving horribly and not paying attention. Maybe all of them were high too. Wouldn't surprise me. I felt spacey and disconnected -- like I wasn't really there. It was boring, and depressing. Stopped at the ATM for some cash, but they weren't working. Got gas. I was only going to get five dollars worth, but I was so spacey that I got five eleven, then slowly pumped my way up to six. That's all the money I had. When I got home I was in a horrible mood. Wouldn't talk to mom about it. Went downstairs and found Kristin asleep on the couch, with my PS2 running as a DVD player and playing my American Beauty DVD, which could only mean she had been in my room. I was already pissed off by the possibility of her having marijuana in my car last year, and this pissed me off more. She woke up as I was taking the DVD out, and she asked what I was doing. I yelled at her for being in my room, and she lied and said she found it on the couch. Then she went back to sleep.

Mom yelled at me for not being calm, and I yelled back that I could do whatever the hell I wanted to -- everyone else did. No one cares about anything. Which is true. And depressing.

Calmed down a bit. Talked to mom. Told her what had happened. She was surprised Sam's mom would do pot with her. She was also mad I was fighting with Kristin again. Then I asked her if what was in the brown box when I was a kid was pot, and she was dodgey and said it wasn't. I don't really believe her. She didn't bother to tell me what the stuff was though. She just told me it wasn't pot. I don't really care if it was pot though, I just wanted to know. I still don't.

Moped around for a bit. Then summoned up the energy to go running, as it would be dark soon and I couldn't run if that happened.

Ran fast. Had energy. It was good. On the way back, some car pulled up behind me and stopped, so I walked over to see who it was. Fortunately, it turned out to be Laura in her new car. We talked, but she was a bitch and slowly drifted away as I talked to her. So, jokingly, in an effort to make her stop, I jumped onto the back of her car.

She floored it. We flew down the road at probably close to fifty miles an hour. I held on for dear life. I yelled for her to stop, but she didn't. I slapped the window as hard as I could, and almost fell off because I had to hold on with one hand. After that, she slowed down, but was still going about twenty. I couldn't hang on any longer, so I hopped off and almost fell. Fortunately my running legs handled the momentum okay and I was able to slow myself down without any injury. Then they flew away. Laura dropped Andrea off at home. She went inside. Then as Laura was passing me, she acted like she was going to hit me. I went inside and cooled down with some Gatorade. Talked to my mom a bit about something, then told her what had just happened. She told me a story about how she was thrown off a car when she was in high school, and could have been seriously injured had she not landed on grass.

Then I moped around some more and watched TV.

I guess that constitutes a bad day.

Yeah. I felt like a helpless observer today, and that's what I used to be 24/7. I don't want to go back to that, so feeling that way was not good.

Everyone does whatever the hell they want to. And no one cares. Sam and her mom don't care. Andrea and Laura don't care. My sister really doesn't care. I don't know if my mom cares that much. No one cares.

No shit. Get over it.

Shut up. You don't care either. I'd like to say this realization that no one cares enables me to be free and do whatever the hell I want to do, but no, it doesn't. Doing so would just cause me to descend to everyone else's level of asshole-ism.


1:28 AM -- Quick Update

I was reading some old journal entries, and it reminded me that I used to be obsessed with Brian liking me. Well, I talked to Andrea a few days ago, and apparently Brian has been trying like crazy to score some poon, but girls don't like him because he used to be gay, and is therefore tainted. He's moving in less than fifteen days -- far, far away, but is still interested in scoring some hot female ass before he leaves. Also, we talked about how anorexic and skinny he looks. I just decided to drop that info since I find it hilarious that I used to like him. Sigh, how things change... Yeah.

Also, in an effort to bring my fours and fours of readers closer to me, I've set up a hotmail account so you can send your comments to me. Comment about the site, the state of my life, my attitude, how I spend my days, etc. and I will post them below the journal, and probably respond with humorous/sarcastic comments abound.

July 23, 2003
12:13 AM
Mood:

Act I

Senior pictures. I had my alarm set for ten thirty. Finally got up at eleven ten or so. Ate breakfast slowly. Took my time. Then I frantically scrambled to get ready. Didn't hop into the shower until past eleven thirty. As I was getting my hair did (LOL Missy Elliot quote), I was self-concious about my wierd jaw (the right side of my face looks wierd to me because my jaw is weak and less formed than the left side because of years of popping it.) and non-symmetrical eyes. My hair looked bad too, and I think my face looked fat. What else is new. I grabbed my clothes and flew out the door. Made it to Miller's Studio a few minutes before twelve thirty, so I was on time for the most part.

Doug the photographer was pretty cool. Kind of wierd, but funny and nice. I told him about my plans to go to film school, and we talked about that. Got to incorporate one of those scene cutty things that director's use, and a large prop that looks like a big shiny film script. I took some interior shots at the studio of me in casual clothes. Then I switched into the formal outfit that I had picked out yesterday and did my yearbook headshots. I hope those turn out okay. It was so wierd to smile and be happy while I was in those wierd stuffy poses. Doug said they looked good, but he's also getting money.

After that, we went to the great outdoors. There was some nice shooting done in the gardens of Scoville Zoo. Let me tell you, that place was beautiful. Then I untucked my shirt, and loosened my tie for some shooting in Ivy Park, which just consists of a large hill and a view of the lake. It was really beautiful though, and Doug says he got to incorporate the pretty clouds that happened to be in the sky today into my pics. I don't know if I'm going to look good, or my smiles going to be natural, but at least I know my senior pictures were taken in a pretty location.

Act II

Went home. Played the Sims for a few minutes, but quickly grew bored. I guess it's good that I'm not waisting much time with that anymore. Then, for a little bit, I worked on the outline for my new version of the pilot for Astraea. I'm doing a complete re-write because I think that the current version lacks emotional depth and the characters kind of detached (which is not what I'm going for). Got bored with that after a bit, because I'm lazy and dumb (seriously, I need to write more). I remembered that I had to pick up my pictures from Wal-Mart today and was worried they would be closed soon, so I scurried over there only to find out that they would be open until nine and had nothing to worry about. Picked up my pictures. They didn't turn out that well because the camera I bought doesn't have a flash. So most of the pictures I took from film camp were dark and obscure. Not good at all. Oh well. Went home and wrote a bit more. Got mail from Who's Who Among America's High School Students and Millikin University. Who's Who was informing me that I had been accepted into their ranks for a second consecutive year. Millikin was telling me about their campus because they want my money. But I plan on going to Columbia. According to people at film camp, you don't really have to try to get in. You just apply, and if they have room for you, you're accepted. That's encouraging to say the least. They'd better get their Fall 04 application out soon so I can be the first person to apply or die trying.

Mom came home. We talked for a bit. I remembered that we needed groceries at Wal-Mart, so I started a list and she and Kristin added to it. Went to Wal-Mart, again. Got all that good stuff, including a new cereal (Cheerios w/ REAL strawberries -- it could taste better). On a whim, I decided to stop by the video store to rent Stanley Kubrick's 2001: A Space Oddysey. Everyone at film camp is obsessed with Kubrick, so I've decided to check out some of his work. I felt so dumb there, because everyone knew about all of these older, legendary directors, whereas I just knew about current people and the big-names in TV (Joss Whedon - you da man!!1!1). So, I'm broadening my horizons.

Act III

When I got home I tuned in for an episode of Gilmore Girls. Then I watched a repeat of season seven Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The episode was "Storyteller." I remember not liking it that much the first time I saw it, but this time I thought it was pretty good. Maybe season seven wasn't so bad after all (note: I used to be a Buffy fanatic, but was horribly disapointed by the end of season six and the middle of season seven).

By that time, it was nine o'clock. Went into my mom's room to ask her something, and saw that she was watching FX's new Nip/Tuck show. Decided to watch that for a bit. I had missed the beginning, saw the middle, but had to miss the end so I could go downstairs and do my weight lifting thing. When I was done, the show was over, but FX was doing an encore, so I watched the entire episode again.

Showered. Now I'm sitting at the computer desk in nothing but a towel and updating my journal. It's almost one in the morning. Maybe I'll write? I doubt it. It's too late to start Kubrick's movie, and I have nothing to read right now. Hmm.... Maybe this means I have a few hours free of my pre-dictated schedule/plans before I go to bed. This could be interesting... Also, if the idea of dividing the story of my day into separate acts for no apparent reason seems dumb, it's because it is dumb, and I couldn't think of anything better to do.

Cheerio!


11:47 PM

I've updated my Life's Story. Scroll down to read if you'd like. I'm happy, because I've finished writing about my experience as a Freshman, and now I'm starting Sophomore year. I get to write about becoming friends with Courtney and Rachael, which marked the start of my life turning into a roller coaster (much like the ones I described in the update).

July 21, 2003
6:17 PM
Mood: Bah

=--Hahahahahaha--=

In an effort to make the site more lively, I've decided to copy and paste the URLs of various and random GIF files into my journal so that the site is filled with happy movement! It's going to be a rocking good time. Enjoy everyone. On with the update.

=--Today--=

Woke up a twelve. Still fighting with Kristin. She doesn't respect me at all. And she's told me she doesn't care about me and I'm not important to her. It sucks. I hate it when I fight with people because it eats me up inside. She called me a baby for not being able to get over the fact that we're fighting. But, then again, she's really good at this because she fights with everyone and has lost every single friend she's ever had, except Aubrey (so far). God I hate that spiteful, careless, fat, immature bitch. Like I said, it eats me up inside.

Got online for a little bit because I was thinking about Rachael and what she said to me before I left for film-camp, so I went to her LiveJournal (http://www.livejournal.com/users/nearly_robocop/) to see if she had written anything about it. Well, you can see what her life is like right now for yourselves.

Got showered. Went to the mall. My senior pictures are tomorrow, so I had to get a spiffy outfit together so I look, well... Spiffy tomorrow. I decided to shop at JC Penney's, where Heather the trainee sales associate helped me remember how to tie a tie, and then gave me her input on the outfit I had put together. We kept using terms like "color contrast" to describe how the outfit should look, then we both admitted that neither of us knew what we were talking about. It was fun.

On the way home, as I was passing under this tiny fucking underpass thing that's literally five feet wide, the wind from an on-coming semi caused my car to veer slightly into the wall, and, needless to say, I have some big ugly scratches on my passenger side door. My good mood insantly melted, and then I got a headache. My head was so filled with gloom that I wasn't paying attention to the road and got lost for a few minutes. When I got home, I bitched to my mom about my poor driving, but she missed the point and was just glad I wasn't dead or something. Like that would happen. And if I had died, I would have done my best to take that damn semi driver with me.

When I got home, some lady from the portrait studio place called and wanted to confirm my appointment tomorrow at 12:30, and asked if I had any ideas about the shoot tomorrow. I told her I want to be casual and/or whacky. Mom disapproves. Grr.

Kristin told me I should go to Flashbacks to get my photo taken, because she's dumb bitch. She even had the nerve to call me childish, when she's the one making grade-school-esque gay jokes. I asked "Why did you even bring that up, fatty?" And she was amused by the word "fatty." I told her I thought she was dumb, and would like her more if she didn't talk to me that much. That's when she called me childish. Sigh. I hate her. If she wants to fix our relationship, it's up to her. But I'm not going to sit there and let her treat me like shit anymore. I've had enough of that from Rachael and Courtney to last me a lifetime.

=--Film Camp--=

I went. I was great. I had a blast. Wrote and directed my own scene. My roommate was okay, even though he didn't talk that much. We got to make a movie. It was hilarious. I got used to living there and seeing everyone, so now I miss being there and talking to my film-camp friends. Fortunately we all have email and AIM, so I can write to all of them. I don't really have time to go into detail about it right now, but know that I had a great time there. Another good thing that stemmed from film camp was that I now have an awareness for what type of filmmaker I want to be. I don't want to make movies for the sake of making movies. I only want to tell my stories. I want to focus more on writing and character development than the actual shooting aspect of the movie. So I'm thinking of changing my major. Major in sceenwriting and minor in directing. Or double majoring so I can have a degree in both. Don't know yet, but I'll figure it out soon. Well, I have to go running at eight, so I'd better be getting off. Aside from the fighting with my sister, it's good to be home. I can write for Astraea now, and work on my stupid journal. Pretty soon I'll finish my life's story.


July 13, 2003
2:04 AM
Mood: Happy

I didn't get up until two today because I was knocked unconcious by the sleeping pill I took last night. It didn't bother me that I slept in though, and I wasn't depressed, so things were pretty good. I eventually got around to doing my weight lifting routine thing and then running, but for some reason I felt weak so I didn't have a very good run.

By the time I got done with all that it was really late in the afternoon. I showered and got ready. Went to Wal-Mart to pick up some things that I would need for film camp. I took my sweet ass time, too. It was nice. Unfortunately, I forgot to buy flip-flops, which I will need to wear when I go to the dormitory style bathroom to protect myself from athletes foot, and AIDs, and all the other disgusting diseases that lurk on the tile of a campus bathroom.

When I got back I ate a decent meal. Called Sam to see if she wanted to hang out. No one was home, so I called her cell-phone, but on one answered. I called her a few times later tonight but she was never home. At ten I got to talk to her mom at home and she told me Sam was at work. She said she would tell Sam bye for me, so that's good I guess. To rewind a bit, at eight I started watching one of my favorite movies: Requiem for a Dream. I haven't watched the whole thing at once for a while so I started to get overwhelmed by it's depressiveness. When it became winter and things go really grim I put the movie on pause and gave Andrea a call. We talked for a bit about her boy troubles. She wants to date a 21 year old black guy named Chris. She thinks he's ugly, but she only wants to go out with him because he has a job, a car, and a house, and he's 21 so he can get her alcohol. Andrea worries me. It was good to talk to her though. We talked for about half an hour and that's the longest phone conversation I've had with her (we're next-door neighbors, so long phone conversations usually aren't necessary).

After the movie was over, I watched some good ole' Mad TV and SNL to wash away the despairingness of RfaD.

Then I went outside to look at the stars. The moon was full and pretty, and it was good to be outside. I was out there til' one, at which point I went inside to get ready for bed, but my sister came down and we talked for a bit. Apparently she hates living here, as usual, and thinks she would get along with Mom and Dad better if she moved out of the house. She's been looking into getting legally emancipated. Damn bitch. If she hates taking so much crap from them (which she really doesn't), she should just sit down with them and try to work out what the problem is instead of being a dumb rebellious teenager. I should tell her she's behaving like a stereotype (ala all teenagers hate their parents). I found an old pair of sandles that could serve as flip-flops, so now I don't have to worry about getting the HIV!

Got ready for bed. Got online. Talked to Ian. Apparently I forgot to tell him that I was going to film camp, so he was shocked. I apologized and told him I was dumb and going to hell. Being overly dramatic about something usually gets people to forgive you.

Rachael IMed me and told me she heard about the fight, but wanted me to know that she doesn't care about it, and wishes me no badness. I was surprised, as this is not really the Rachael I've come to know and despise. She wished me all the luck in the world, and I thanked her, and then we joked around. It's so wierd hating someone alot and then them coming up to you out of the blue and wishing you to be happy and fortunate. She specifically wished me to be successful at film camp, and made a comment about how maybe she's deep down trying to ride my coattails. Does that mean she thinks I'll be all successful or something? Confused. Anyway, I told her I no longer wear a coat with tails but in fact a spiffing red cape. So she was angered that her plan had to be altered, and then I dropped the bomb-shell that this cape allows me to fly, so she has her work cut out for her.

How am I feeling about film camp? I don't think it's quite hit me that I'm leaving for a week (which isn't that big a deal). I'm kind of nervous about it though. I know I'll feel better when I get over the initial wierdness of sleeping in a strange bed and showering in a stall, and meeting a new roommate etc., but I'm always nervous about things so this is nothing out of the ordinary. If I'm confident, I'll be fine. For some reason I'm also worried about being cut off from my movies and music, particularly the soundtracks that I recently bought. What if I start craving to hear my music but I'm unable to get my fix? Hehehehe.

Anyway, I have to get up at ten tomorrow and leave by one o'clock. I'll be back mid-afternoon on Friday, though. I would go into more detail about my mixed emotions from Rachael's good-bye, and my mixed feelings about film camp, but it's two thirty and I have to get up in seven and a half hours.

Night night.


July 11, 2003
11:13 PM
Mood: Tired, Depressed, and Maybe a Bit Smelly :(

I've been really exhausted lately. Lethargic, weak, tired, depressed. All that good stuff. Last night, I tossed and turned all night in a state of half-sleep. Dreaming, or at least thinking I was dreaming, but actually being awake. So I wasn't really asleep. Early in the morning, around six, I got up and decided to finish watching The Hours. I'm not sure if I liked it that much. I probably would have enjoyed it more had I been awake and happy. After it was over, I went back to bed, and this was close to seven. I fell asleep about ten minutes later. My alarm was set for eleven thirty, but I must have turned it off and went back to bed without remembering.

My dad came in a few times and tried to wake me up. But I hate it when my parents wake me up, so I just wait for them to go away and go back to sleep because I find their presence annoying. Anyway, I played this game until three, at which point I got out of bed. Not only was I exhausted, I was fucking pissed because it was fucking THREE o'clock in the afternoon! Naturally, I wasn't a very happy camper. I ate breakfast, which tasted awful, and then moped around upstairs and watched TV for twenty minutes. I couldn't help but notice how awful I smelled, and this depressed me even more. I used to be so clean and not have body odor, even when I woke up in the morning.

I had one small ray of light though. My CDs had arrived from Amazon. They were the soundtracks to Reqiuem for a Dream, Donnie Darko, and the Rules of Attraction. I went downstairs and popped Requiem into the Playstation and listened to every track on that. By that time it, was four, so if I wanted to get to run by work and get my paycheck, then deposit it at the bank, I would have to get a move on. I listened to a few tracks on Rules of Attraction and Donnie Darko, and before I knew it, it was four thirty.

By that time I was full of anxiety and depression and threw one of my famous "Dustin is depressed and suicidal" tantrums, in which I almost start crying and slam my head into things in frustration in hopes that I'll get lucky and crack my skull open so I won't have to deal with my depression anymore. Yeah, I have some problems. Just a few though... Yeah.

I took a thirty minute shower and almost started freaking out (anxiety symptoms thing) in there. When I got out it was five eleven, and I had to be at work by five thirty. I shaved, brushed my teeth, and did my hair. Put on some extra deodorant and a little extra Axe since I was still paranoid about smelling bad. Then I sprayed some Febreeze on the bed because I was paranoid about it smelling bad too. My mom made a turkey sandwich for me before I left because I clearly didn't have time to do it myself. I was mad that I didn't have time to bitch to my parents about what a bad mood I was in, so I just slammed the door behind me really hard in hopes that would get the message out.

I went seventy down the highway to work and made it two minutes late. According to the clock in Dollar Tree though I was five minutes late, and manager Michelle expressed that she was worried about me. I apologized for being late, and she said it was alright, I'm usually on time, and in fact, early. Then I felt dumb because this isn't true (though it used to be), but agreed anyway. I was still feeling depressed and empty and like my life was out of control, but I was busy and quickly forgot about it. Melissa was working again and we talked a lot. I acted like a complete and total dork and felt ashamed of myself. Ian stopped by and I got to talk to him for a bit. It was nice seeing him again.

I volunteered to do the closing announcement because I wanted to say "Hey guys, what's up. The time is now eight fifty and we'll be closing in ten minutes. Please bring your items to the front." I did it even though I was incredibly nervous. Melissa thought it was funny but called me a dork. Manager Jim made fun of me. I finished recovery, and kind of talked to Jim while he was counting my drawer, even though I felt exhausted and just wanted to keep quiet and go home. He told me that six people had been laid off last week and I had almost been one of the people to be cut. But I've improved so much that I wasn't. For a few weeks now, my drawer has balanced absolutely perfectly, down to the penny, but tonight, my drawer was short fifty two cents. Blah.

I went home, ate some apple crisp that my mom had made recently, and then bitched to her about what a bad mood I was in. She told me I need to quit worrying so much and just enjoy my time off. I agree with her, but it's harder than it sounds. I start to boil over with anxiety when ever things don't seem to go right. It's really hard to deal with.

Then I changed into my smelly pajamas and washed my face with cold water so I could be awake enough to update my journal as I listened to Donnie Darko and Rules of Attraction. That was pretty much my shitty day. I'm tired, so I'm going to sleep soon with the hopes that some of my problems will float away during my slumber so I won't have to deal with them tomorrow and be crabby and depressed like I was today. Here's hoping.

Tomorrow I'm going to run and lift weight since I didn't do that today because I was sleeping and being smelly. I also have to go to the store and buy some things for what I'm doing Sunday and next week. Hopefully I'll write, but at the moment that seems like a laughable idea. Also, I might be going out with Sam, Steve, and Dan Holmes to Flashbacks, the local seedy gay bar. I think it will be fun, but only because Steve will be there. Let me give you the background story of my first visit to that hell pit:

Sam invited me to go to Flashbacks with her and Danny. I agreed and went. The place was seedy. Bars aren't my scene, seeing as I don't drink or smoke because I'm very health conscious. Also, I can't really dance, and I'd rather talk to someone than be deafened by booming music. I can't dance either because I'm shy and self-concious and not what most people would consider loosened up. A thirty something drunk Mexican hit on me, then sexually harassed me, then grabbed my ass, then tried to force me out onto the dance floor with him, and generally didn't respect my boundaries or act in a pleasant manner. I, of course, did nothing but kind of run away from him and sit down. He's lucky I didn't have self esteem back then. Then this ugly fem guy who smelled funny hit on me, took his shirt off and gave me a lap dance. He was gross.

Yeah, hopefully I'll have fun this time. This time I'm armed with self esteem so I won't have a problem telling scary old men to fuck off and then cut them with broken glass. I'm concerned of making an ass out of myself in front of Steve though. He sings, so I'm assuming he can dance. But I don't even like him that much so I don't know why I have this concern. I should just get over that. I'll just try to have a good time, but I have to be home early because:

Also, I'm leaving for film camp on Sunday and won't be back until Friday, so this might be the last update for a little bit. I'll finish my life's story sometime, too. Bye.


July 10, 2003
3:30 PM
Mood: Okie-dokie

Oh, Look! It's My Life's Story

Okay, today I'm going to kind of give an abridged version of my life's story, and especially focus on what high school has been like. I only have one year left, so now's a good time to do this. I'm just writing my life's story down here so I can more easilly compare and contrast to then and now.

Childhood

Yeah, pretty normal. I was really into drawing pictures. I was amazed that my dad was such a good artist. I was also a huge perfectionist. I would always cry and throw fits when my little doodles didn't turn out right. I was also obsessed with videogames. Mario in particular. My sister and I also fought a lot.

Went to Kindergarten at John's Hill Magnet School. It was a nice school. Didn't really make any friends though. At least none that I can remember to well. I had two girlfriends though. Katie and Avia. My first (no-tongue) kiss was with Katie, and we did it in front of the entire classroom while everyone watched. Fortunately, the teacher wasn't there. Avia was really wierd, and a whore. Maybe sexually abused or something. One time after class, when no one else was around, she approached me with this wierd look in her eye and said "I want to kiss like they do on TV." Then she grabbed my cock and pushed me against a desk, kind of grinding against me. Since I had never witnessed a situation like that on TV, I had no idea what to do. So I just kind of got up and left. Maybe ran? Don't remember. She was definetely sexually abused, because there is no way a kindergartner should know how to make sexual advances like that. Anyway, good times.

After kindergarten we left hell-hole Decatur because crime was on the rise, and moved to peaceful little rich Mt. Zion. I met Mitchel, my next door neighbor, and year older friend. I hung out with him at home, but I didn't really have the opportunity to do so at school. He hung out with a completely different crowd, too. Kind of a troublesome crowd. I went to Salem School, where I got to take First Grade with my best-friend and cousin, David. David was always kind of an asshole, and disrespectful, and troublesome, but I didn't mind because I was a spineless wimp. It was a good life.

I wasn't in First Grade too long before I met my new best friend and flaming effeminate extraordinaire: Doug. We were kind of like peas in a pod. A dastardly duo. Inseperable at school. Always finding something to laugh at or make fun of. We were still bestes pals in the world when I entered fourth grade.

By that time, I wasn't really into drawing anymore. I was into writing. I wanted to be an author and tell stories with the written word. My writing wasn't very good, but it was insanely long. At that time I had no concept of "story structure" or "plot" or "themes." But my teacher, Ms. Dillow, always encouraged me. She was one of the best teachers I ever had. So writing was my new hobby, in addition to videogames. I also had a nice circle of friends. Doug, Alex, and David.

Pre-Teen Hell

Fourth Grade was happy, always happy. Then I left Salem School and entered Mt. Zion Intermediate to take Fifth Grade. It was awful. Salem was so small and pleasant, but the Intermediate was huge and horrible. It was quite a shock being placed in class with a bunch of new people who I didn't know but knew each other. Here's a list and profile of some new people I met:

Courtney P- Really smart girl who was kind of wierd and had a hair-cut like a boy's. She was really nice though, and funny too. We got along well.
Donna- Courtney's cookey best friend. Also incredibly troubled because of a horrible family situation. Saw one of her parents get their brains blown out.
Joey B- Hung out with the popular crowd. I kind of ended up hanging out with him during school after he started having problems with his friends. He was really nice.

I was seperated from all of my Salem friends, including Doug, who I only saw during Chorus. I was really dumb, FOBish, un-confident, and weak. My bitch teacher Mrs. Kuzel didn't like me at all. And to top it all off, the popular kids made fun of me all the time. It was pretty awful. I became depressed.

In the summer following fifth grade, I thought about suicide a lot. I stayed in bed all day, or locked up in my room playing videogames and not talking to anyone. In fact, I only came out to use the bathroom and eat sometimes. I was so depressed that I never felt hungry, and I lost of lot of weight. Cried a lot too. I had to endure pestering from my sister and her bitch friend Andrea, the lil' goodie two-shoes next door neighbor. Whenever they saw me crying they would sincerely try to help me, and ask me what was wrong, but I myself didn't even know. "Are you crying because you don't have a tan?" "Are you crying because no one likes you?" Perhaps it would have been better if they didn't try to help.

Close to when school started, I came out of my depression and felt renewed. I had major plans for being cool or something. Obsessed with getting the popular kids to like me. It was sad. When school started, things were better. I wasn't made fun of as much, and Doug was in my class, so I actually had someone to joke around with and be happy. I hung out with Alex a lot, too, who had made friends with some of the punk druggie asshole popular kids. He was usually an asshole, himself, but you have to remember: I was spineless and willing to put up with it, and we had fun a lot, so it was okay. These two girls named Amanda W. and Kiliegh always made fun of Doug and I and called us gay. I also met this girl named Jessica and got this huge crush on her. I was really concerned with my appearance, terrified that I was ugly. I was afraid that my ears were too big.

At one point, Mitchel was suspended from school for posession of drugs. He had changed, a lot, and I didn't hang out with him that much. Mitchel's a drug dealer now, and he dropped out of school A LONG time ago.

At that time, it was popular to call people "gay" or "fag" as an insult, so from that, I learned the definition of homosexual. And I couldn't help but notice that Doug really acted like a girl. I started realizing: Doug is gay. People know I hang out with him. If they see us together will they think I'm gay too!? These thoughts terrorized me day and night. I became pretty homo-phobic. Alex didn't help to inspire an accepting environment, but strangely, he didn't seem to notice Doug's effeminate ways. In fact, I was the only one who really seemed to acknowledge that Doug was a flaming fag. I started acting like an asshole and made fun of him a lot. I was tired of seeing him walk, talk, and embody a woman, and I was tired of his same old stories and tired jokes. At the end of the year, I quit being his friend because I thought he was gay and he annoyed me. It was cruel, but felt right at the time.

Junior High

Doug moved away sometime that summer, and I never saw him again. I was surprised to see that he wasn't at school when seventh grade started and I moved from the intermediate to the junior high. I had become fashion contious and dressed "in-style," and was never made fun of for my choices in clothing again. I was still hugely driven to fit in. Constantly worried about being accepted. Standard teenager shit. I still hung out with David and his crowd, made a few friends of my own. People actually seemed to be accepting me, so that was pretty good.

Ever heard of that disorder where you pull out your hair and eventually go bald if you don't stop? Yeah, that kind of took a hold of my life around that time. I started developing thin spots of hair. Sometimes you could see my scalp, as though I had holes in my hair. If didn't have such insanely thick hair, I probably would have looked awful. No one seemed to notice it that much, though, unless I told them about it. And that was all I could notice. I was still terribly concerned with my appearance, but it didn't stop me from pulling out my hair. It felt so good to twist a strand of it into a ball, and then pluck it out by the roots. I started hiding it all over the house. My parents knew though, and they always pestered me to stop. Didn't help much. And I was still pretty depressed. But it was more of an off and on thing. I also started kind of running around with my sister and Andrea, and their new friend, Laura. Andrea wasn't so bad, and for a few years I had kind of had a crush on her.

For some reason I was taking Industrial Arts. It was a lot of fun. I met this guy named Justin R. and had a lot of fun with him. One time he even invited me over to his house for a Christmas party, but I was so terrified of social situations that I lied and said I already had plans.

Seventh grade left, eigth grade came. I had history with Andrea and hot Jessica. She sat next to me so I was able to talk to her all the time. It was a lot of fun. Andrea was convinced that Jessica liked me, but I was too afraid to ask her out. That goes back to the social anxiety thing. And I never ever did. In PE I hung out with John D. and Jason. Jason was a total perv and talked about porn, ALL THE FUCKING TIME. It was a good time though, and lead to many humorous conversations. Later this new kid came to our school, named Dustin (like me), and I hung out with him in PE. I thought he was kind of hot, and we always joked about having sex, and sexual inuendo was abound. Jason coined the unforgettable phrase: "Hot Dustin on Dustin action!"

Aside from my overall depression, hair pulling disorder, and crippling social anxiety, things were going pretty well as I stepped into the final frontier of my childhood.

High School

Freshmeat

"It's perfectly natural to have crushes on guys. It's not like I don't like girls."

Picture me: a dorky, terrified, social reject loser, and now: a fucking freshmen. It doesn't get much worse than that. Strangely, the year didn't start off all that horribly. I had some troubles with a senior on the first day of school, who, when upon entering fourth hour Environmental Science (by far one of the worse classes I've ever taken), told me that I was in the wrong classroom, and I, being spineless and dumb, believed him, and went back to check the room number before realizing I'd been had and sat down in a seat somewhere. I actually don't remember much more than that about the beginning of freshman year. I started hanging out with DJ, one of David's friends, a lot, because we had Algebra I together. I remember that it was kind of hard adjusting to everything, and I was terribly un-motivated. My grades were pretty bad. I, who had once prided myself on being smart and above the rest, was getting C's, D's, and F's. And to top it all off, I started noticing that there were A LOT of hot guys in the school...

"Okay, fine. Maybe I'm a little bit bisexual. I still like girls... But I only want to date and sleep with men."

I kind of started dressing the part. You know how gay guys, at least in the late nineties, were known for wearing those tight stretch shirts and stuff. I started wearing clothes like that. But I wasn't gay! I was bisexual, and/or curious! That way I could still get married to a female some day and produce babies. But in the meantime, I wanted cock.

Second hour "career orientation" was fun because I got to hang out with Jimmie. We joked aorund and talked a lot during class instead of paying attention. It was a good time. And he was hot. But I didn't really think so then. I think he was a little attracted to me though. He always instigated sexual inuendo and jokes of having gay sex with me, even though he didn't know me that well. I enjoyed it immensely, but we never did anything together or hung out outside of class.

Then came Brad. Dreamy senior football soccer player who was also on the wrestling team. He was in fourth hour Environmental Science. As the year went by, my crush on him grew and grew. By the end of the year I was pathetically pining after him. We never really talked. He knew I liked him, and for a while, I wondered if he liked me a bit. He was really nice to me, out of the blue, and sometimes he seemed shy and/or nervous around me. But then again, one of the characters in Rules of Attraction that shyness meant another character liked him, and he was pretty wrong. Needless to say, I was really dumb during Freshmen year.

I hung out a lot with DJ because we sat next to each other in fifth hour Algebra I. That class was awful. I slept a lot in it, and the teacher hated me. She always ripped on me in front of the class. Hated me to the core of her being. And for some reason, she got the idea in her head that DJ and I were more than just friends... Made some tongue in cheek comments and had this particular way of looking at us. Oh, sigh...

Near the end of the year, DJ invited me to go to Florida with him and his family for a week. It was a lot of fun, but I was shy and stuff and not very social with is family. I was probably thought of as kind of wierd and freaky. Anyway, we went to Universal Studios, Magical Kingdom, all of those big fun theme parks that are down in Orlando. DJ forced me to go on the scary grown-up roller-coasters, and, honestly, I could have found them more fun. After that I became more adventuresome and started seeking thrills. It was so much fun. When I came back I was a lot happier and more outgoing for a while. The year ended soon after that. My grades were bad. I failed second semester of Algebra I. Brad and I never got together. The year ended with me feeling disapointed that I didn't have a boyfriend. I was really emo-faggy and lonely. That summer I was depressed off and on. Unhappy and bored.

I went over to David's house a few times a week. And we would end up looking at hetero porn. And I would have to make comments about tits and all that hetero stuff. He wasn't very nice either. Always making fun of me, and making bigotted comments about homos. I started to resent him a lot. Then school started.

Sophomore Year:

"OMG Rainbow Power! Come Out To Everyone -- Be Loud And Proud!"

To be continued, soon...


July 7, 2003
11:09 PM
Mood: Eh.

--"Yeah, So, I Met Steve..."--

Ooh. How'd that go?

Pretty well, I'd say. I met him last night. Sam, Dan Holmes, and I went to Steve's apartment and swam.

So you think he's pretty cool, then? Didn't you say that he was fem?

Yeah, he is kind of, but he's really cool. And he's not fem for the sake of being fem... It's just kind of... Him... I can't explain it. He's cool. And kind of cute. Sam had this evil plan to hook me and Steve up by going off with Dan and leaving us alone together so we would be forced to converse and get to know one another. We actually got to incorporate her obvious evil plan into the conversation. Steve's pretty funny and witty, and I really respect. Steve is into music and singing (he has a pretty good voice), and church (he's religious), and he's studying music at Milikin. He also has to work a lot since he's living on his own and has bills to pay. He's not looking for a relationship, and as emo-ish as I can be sometime, I'm not really sure I am either. I dunno. I'm not gonna force myself to like him or anything. I just want things to go naturally.

That's cool.

Yeah...

--Anyway, I Went to Work Today--

How'd that go?

Pretty well, I'd say. I got to bond with another co-worker (Melissa), and even came out to her!

Why the fucking hell did you do that?

Well, Manager Jim was asking me if I had a girlfriend, and I'm like "No." I was thinking of just saying "No, I'm homo." but I'm not that brave. After he left, and I went up to Melissa and was like "Man, it was awkward when Jim was asking me if I had a girlfriend." And she laughed and said "Oh, but he's cool." And I agreed and really meant it. Jim is pretty cool. Then I asked "Yeah, but do you think he would be cool with it if I told him I was homo?" And she said yeah. And that's pretty much how that happened.

That's incredibly interesting.

Yeah, I try.

--"OMG, Did I Tell You I Got Into A Fight With Courtney?"--

No. But it's about fucking time.

No one knows this more than me. I got online tonight and Courtney signed on, and I'm like "hey, I have a lot of pent up frustration against her and Rachael (due to how horrible our friendship became towards the end.) We talked a bit, and she asked me what I'd been up to lately. I told her, and then made a snide comment about how she should be happy, because I'm not hanging out with Renee. You see, before, she had expressed a deep seeded horror that Renee would have me and she wouldn't. It was really scary and controlling and jealous. Crazy Courtney.

Anyway, I felt like an ass for making that comment, so I apologized. Then we started conversing like civilized people again. I asked her what she was up to, and she said she had been hanging out with Andrea, one of Rachael's friends. So, surprised, I asked "Oh, do you like Andrea now?" And she freaked out and told me that she never disliked Andrea. And I said "Oh, you told me you were threatened by her and Rachael's homo-girl sex before." And she freaked out even more and said "That's wrong! I would never say/feel/think that! I wish people would stop telling me how I feel about other people!" So I said (sarcastically of course, because that's pretty much how I am) "Yeah, I do a lot of talking for you." Ironically, this statement is completely false. Things heated up even more. I was pissed that she would deny telling me all these things, and she's denied them before, so I brought that up too and was incredibly sarcastic, and everything just escalated even more, even more. She accused me of lying to her all this time and being two faced and making similar groundless accusations that only enter her head because she's a fucking narcissistic pessimist. I told her we hadn't been friends for a long time, and she's like "Well, thanks, you've just killed me." So I told her to quit whinning and that one of the most awful thing about being her friend was that she constantly laid guilt trips on me. And she denied that it was a guilt trip even though the only reason she told me it killed her was so that I would feel guilty and apologize and make everything better again so she could control me and "have" me, so that Renee couldn't.

Yeah, I could go on for a little while more about this, but I shouldn't. At the end of the conversation, she told me "You know what. I wish I could be dumb, and hate you, but I don't. So... This is the part where you go away." And I said (sarcastically, duh) "Whoa, whoa, whoa, you have the script for this conversation and I don't!?" And she's like "Go," and also used other words to encourage me to leave her alone. And I told her "Courtney, being condescending doesn't suit you. That's more Rachael's territory." And she said "Just go Dustin." And I said "Well, maybe next time you won't say hi to me." Then I put her on igore.

Issues:

Yeah, I'm generally a passive guy. Never pick fights, EVER. Not really confrontational. Just really mellow and nice to people and willing to let things slide off my back... Tonight, however, I wasn't. Will this behavior that is the complete opposite of my norm have emotional repercussions? I guess I'll find out tomorrow.

Was telling Courtney, and, inadvertanly, Rachael, to fuck off the right thing to do? In I way, I think it's about time, but then again, was it how a mature person would have handled it? I think if I've learned anything from this horrible friendship it's that I shouldn't keep things bottled up inside me until I'm boiling over with resentment. It's a bad thing.

Oh God. Was I dumb to burn my bridges and pretty much end my friendship with them?

Well, Dustin, it's sounds like you've had quite a night. Coming out to a coworker and burning your bridges all in one go. What's gotten into you?

I don't know, yo. I don't know.


July 5, 2003
10:11
Mood: "I'm Dying, Yo."

Ah, Despair, Much Exhaustion and Sadness

Chapter 1 -- "Whine, I'm Dying!!1!"

Woke up at noon today and felt pretty much like I did last night. Exhausted, tired, and ill. I finally got out of bed and ate. Then I took a nap on the couch until two ten. Still felt bad, so I called Joe and told him I couldn't run. I felt like shit.

But, feeling slightly more energized, I went downstairs and played the Sims for a bit. I played with my cat, and realized that I'm slightly overbearing with him and don't respect his space. Poor Silver (the cat). I also watched Pearl Harbor with my dad. I've been kind of on edge with him because he seems disapointed that my job isn't going that great (I work as a cashier at the new Dollar Tree). Sales are down, so they're cutting everyone's hours. I'm only working ten hours a week right now. It's pretty sad. There's no way I could get another job though because of the economy. Employment is in short supply. Anyway, my dad seems to be disapointed in me because of the slack in my work. It's not my fault though, so I mostly think he should go to hell. Anyway, around five, I started feeling better.

Chapter 2 -- The Tree of Few Dollars

I didn't go to work today, but I am going to gush about how well it went yesterday.

Okay, so it starts out with every intention of being a horrible work day. I have to be there at eleven, which means I have to get up at nine. Fortunately, I passed out early the night before and woke up feeling energized. I got to work and wasn't quite late, so that's a plus. Jessica was working on the register in front of mine, and I didn't know her that well. But, for some reason, I was in a good mood. I got to make fun of Indepedence Day and be sarcastic all day.

"Oh no, I'm being infected by the holiday spirit," I said, as I lazilly waved around a cheap American flag. Then I pretended to be really peppy and full of American pride towards the customers, and Jessica and I both had to keep ourselves from laughing and giving away that I was just being sarcastic. I feel that she and I bonded somewhat in our horsing around. I also got to bond with Manager Michelle. She said that if there was an award for most improved employee, I would get it, because I started out as a below average cashier, and now I'm one of the best. It made me really happy. It also turned out that because I was working on a holiday I got paid a buck extra. It was a pretty good day.

Chapter 3 -- Things Pick Up

After I started feeling better, I got changed and did my workout. It took forever though because I had a case of temporary ADD and went off and did other things mid-exercise. After that was finally done, I went outside and ran. Let me tell you, it was f-ing hot. By the time I finished my run my shirt was so wet from sweat that you could see my nipples through my shirt. It was supposed to make me feel better, but made me feel even more tired instead. I finally took my shower at seven. Then I went to the carwash and made my Stratus so fresh and so clean. Talked to Kristin and Aubrey for a bit. Kristin burnt her neck earlier today with a sparkler and it's not looking that great. Played The Sims some more. Now I'm updating my journal, and I might do a bit of Astraea writing. Still have to finish that damn pilot so I can enter it into the contest. Dammit.

Chapter 4 -- The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow...

Okay, so today was a pretty lousy day. Still not feeling at the top of my game. But, tomorrow I might be going swimming with Samantha and two cute gay guys. Oh yeah! Steve (one of the afformentioned gay guys) is cute and interested in me. Unfortunately, he seems kind of effeminate. Don't like fem guys. Find them annoying and shameful because they perpetuate the stereotype. Maybe he won't seem so wierd once I get to know him. He's cute.

If plans for that fall through, which it probably will, I'm still getting the hell out of the house because I haven't done any social activities for a few days now. It's time, yo.

Also, I'm thinking of purchasing Microsoft FrontPage 2000, so things are looking up for this stupid lil' website.

Night night.

Current Movies:


Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (One of the shittiest pieces of shitty shit I've ever seen. Shit.)
Hulk (Boring, plot-less crap. Why, Ang Lee, why!? Crouching Tiger was so good! And Jeniffer Connely! Why did you take this role!? It wasn't befitting of one of the stars of Requiem for a Dream! Sigh.)

Current Books:


Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
The Rules of Attraction by Brett Easton Ellis
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Current Music


T.A.T.U.
Third Eye Blind
Sugar Ray
Evanescence (<--- OMG so good)
Coldplay


June 30, 2003
9:18
Mood: Okay

Yeah, sorry for the lack of updates. I just haven't really been online or gotten around to writing about my life. Many things to talk about.

BRIAN
I finally got a chance to talk to him online. I'll give you the gist of the conversation with a "Rules of Attraction"-esque dialogue setup.

Me: Hey, what's up. How're you?
Him: Actually, I'm kind of confused about my sexuality.
Me: Really? Howso?
Him: Well, one of my friends are hooking me up with this girl. And, honestly, I'm kind of interested.
Me: So you're doubting that you're gay?
Him: Yeah, I'm really confused.
Me: Are you still attracted to guys and just this one girl?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Well, maybe you're still gay and this is just a "special" girl.
Him: Yeah, she really is special.
Him: Gah, this is so confusing. Why do you choose to be gay?
Me: I don't choose. It just comes naturally to me.
Him: Yeah, it comes naturally to me too... But it's time for a change, man.
Him: I've been gay for four and a half years and I've been alone for three and a half of those years.
Me: That's even longer than me!
Him: How many guys have you been with?
Me: None.
(Long Pause)
Me: So, are you going for the girl?
Him: Yes. Yes I am.
Me: That's cool. Change can be good.
Him: Yes it can.

Then I didnt' say anything for half and hour and signed off after finishing browsing the web. Well, at least I know that he doesn't like me, so now I can put it behind me.

TODAY
Yeah, I have other things to update on, but I'm copping out and just detailing my day.

I went to Mike the counselor today. He's supposed to counsel me about my depression -find the root of my despair. I've found it kind of useful. Been going to him for quite a few months now. Anyway, I talked to him about life for an hour, then went running with Joe.

Joe and I have officially made plans for us to dress up like a ninja and a pirate, respectively, and dine in a fine restaurant as so. When we fill Ian in on our plans, he'll probably go as a cowboy. Here's hoping!

And speaking of which, I finally got to see IAN again! It's been quite a while. He looks a lot different. For one, his hair is all short and un-emo like. He's still pretty sexy though. I think the thing I missed most about Ian was all the homo-sex and sexual inuendo. After he got done running with Joe and I, we decided to swing on the swing set in the park. I told Ian to push me, and he did. I told him to grope lower, and he did. All the way down there. He's quite an adventuresome little hetero. Lil' scamp. It was good to see him. Maybe we can go running again.

After I got home I lifted weights and did the Pilates thing. Then I spent the rest of the day playing the Sims on PS2 and doing some background planning for Astraea (the TV show that I want to produce after I get all educated in Film School.)

Yeah, it was a pretty interesting day... Yeah. I'm happy though because I'm going to re-read Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban since I hate the books I checked out at the library.

Goodnight.


June 22, 2003
11:32 CT
Mood: Happy

Woke up close to noon. Damn my sleeping in. Mom was fixing pancakes, and freaked out when she saw that I was getting a bowl of Total. I explained that I was going to eat pancakes in addition to eating Total, and she backed off. Crazy woman. I can't start my day without a bowl of Total.

Called Joe to ask if I could invite Ian to run with us at 2:00. Then asked if he wanted to play basketball after we ran. He said sure, then post-poned the get-together until 2:30 since he had just eaten and didn't want to throw up while we were running. Time passed until it was that time. I was never able to get a hold of Ian so he was never invited. Went to Spitler ran. Joe was running late so he had to run all the way to the park in order to make it on time. So, naturally, he was pretty out of breath. We started running the trail with the knowledge that at any moment Joe would have to stop and take a break hanging ominously over us. We made it halfway through the trail before his need for rest overtook him. We rested for a few minutes and talked about how adventurous it would be to chart the creek that we were breaking by. Good times. I ended up going on ahead of him and finished the mile and a half trail in seventeen minutes. Joe finished in nineteen. We're still pretty far from our goal of completing the trail in thirteen minutes, but we've come a lot closer to that before. We're running again tomorrow at two.

After I got home I called Brian. Wasn't home. The woman that answers the phone at his house every time probably thinks I'm a stalker or loser of some sort. I want to explain to her sometime that I'm just some guy lusting afer Brian's cock and he needs to fucking call me, but I can't find the right words to tell her that. Maybe that's a good thing. Also, I'm not really lusting after his cock. The best part is that I'm not completely sure I like Brian. Maybe I could find out if we ever did something together again, but that doens't seem very likely at this time. Maybe I should find out where he lives and start following him places. Then, ever so slowly, I could begin to control his life in miniscule ways, finally culminating with his body being manipulated by strings which are attached to my hands and fingers...

Anyway, after that, I was supposed to be going swimming with my sister, and Aubrey, her boyfriend. They were watching Old School so I read to pass the time. I really like Harry Potter. By the time the movie was over it was too late to go to the beach. So we went to Spitler and played basketball and volleyball. Aubrey was a complete asshole on the drive up, and he was going, like, 25 mph. It was sad. When we got there he kind of mellowed out and was okay to hang out with. I can't believe he's 24 and dating my 15 year old sister. The entire experience was kind of a drag because it was awkward being around Kristin and Aubrey, and Kristin was kind of mad at him for being an ass on the way up, so she was quiet and reserved the whole time. After we got home, I read for the rest of the night. Now I'm updating my journal.

I was planning on writing some of the Asraea pilot script for that screenwriting contest I'm going to enter it into, but it's almost midnight now. I'll probably just read some more and fall pleasantly to sleep. 'Night.

I didn't really have any fears today because I was too busy being active to be depressed and mopey. Good time. I give this day a hearty thumbs-up.


June 21, 2003
10:55 CT
Mood: Lethargic

Wow. First entry. I'm only doing this because I'm afraid if I keep a journal on the computer someone will snoop through my files and find this. So, by making my journal available to the public, I can keep my journal hidden from people in the crowd and overwhelming din of the interweb.

Also, my counselor says I should keep a journal, and I used to, but quit, so now I'm doing it again.

I woke up today and decided I should take a break from exercising and running, so I stayed in my pajamas and read the new Harry Potter book. Pretty good. Darker than the others so far, but go figure. Showered, put on my dumb Slacker shirt and some shorts, read some more.

At four I started feeling lonely, like I always do, and decided to call some of my friends to see if they wanted to do anything. Called Brian first. Wasn't home of course, and I doubt the fem that answered the phone will pass the message onto him that I called. I haven't talked to him since I little first date about two weeks ago. I don't think he liked me. Oh well. I used to be pretty emo about it, but I'm not in the mood for being emo right now. Yay, me? Sam is in St. Louis. Didn't want to do anything with my other friends, and then I realized that I didn't really want to go out, and my feeling lonely was just me being stupid and depressed. Didn't stop me from complaining to Mom though. A few minutes later I apologized for being whiny and lame.

With that little episode out of the way, I read some more. Kristin's boyfriend came over to pick her up since they were going to the fair. He jokes about having sex with me a lot, and it makes my sister jealous. It's a really white trash situation. Damn that girl for lowering the sociological status of this household. Anyway, naturally, Aubrey the boyfriend invited me to go to the fair with them. I said no, because I wanted to stay home and read. The real reason was, though, because I didn't really want to cause tension between my sister and him. It would be fun to flirt with him some time and see how serious he is about his jokes, but no. He apparently wants to give me a rim-job. Good times.

They left. My parents left to go grocery shopping. I had the house to myself. So I put some CDs in the ole Playstation and rocked out. After a few energetic songs I started getting stuck on some sadder songs, so I sat down and became lethargic. Then I read some more. The 'rents came home bearing groceries and rented movies. Among them: The Recruit. My Dad joked about Collin Farrel being hot, so I played along. I guess I carried the joke a bit too far, and my parents said it would be a good idea for me to get a girlfriend. I told them to go to hell, and then we watched Old School. My parents are dumb if they haven't realized I'm gay yet. Jesus fuck. I'm thinking of coming out to my sister again (she seems to have conveniently forgotten), since she's sharing her entire life with me. Therefore, I think I should let her in on my life. Blah. My family is full of dummies.

Then, I thought, hey, I'll make an online journal. So I did.

Fears of the Day:
1.) I will end up like the characters in Bret Easton Ellis's novel, "The Rules of Attraction."
2.) I will always be alone.
3.) Am I emotionally distant? (probably)
4.) Am I becoming a cynical narcissist? (eh. maybe, which is beyond awful)

And that's pretty much my day.