This is going to be a bit "stream of consciousness". Hope you don't mind! Also hope you don't mind the basic nature of this page; I didn't think it needed much else. One last thing, I have no idea what ads will be placed on this page as a banner or anything else, therefore I can't be sure if I would approve of them or not!
So what's it all about? Well, call me gynandro. I feel that I am too straight for the "queer" community and too queer for the straight community, and I don't know where that leaves me. I think it's a pretty spiritually advanced way to be, to feel that one is neither female nor male - and at the same time, that one is both. But if you are the sort of person who loves to be in a relationship, it seems to make it harder, not easier, to be in this position.
I really wish I had been born genetically female, but I wasn't. I went through the whole crossdressing stage with mother's and girlfriend's clothes, never being caught, but close enough for my mother to start putting notes in her underwear drawer, saying things like "All perverts hands off!". I obviously wasn't going to be able to talk about my gender confusion at home - or anywhere else.
It seemed that playing it straight was the way to go. And playing was exactly what I was doing, and it became convincing enough that even *I* believed it! I had a few girlfriends and was able to function sexually with them - but only when imagining transsexual fantasies in my mind. I seemed to be able to get away with it, but of course, it wasn't what I was really looking for, just what seemed easiest.
I have never had real luck with straight M/F relationships - and yet, I now look for a M/F relationship with a transgender woman. My explanation is that the transexual woman has a broader understanding of life, gender and possibly even my own approach to such things! With straight "ordinary" women, I used to attract drama queens and people who loved to dump their problems onto me. For way too long, I let them do it, too.
One girlfriend actually became pregnant, which she wasn't going to tell me about. It didn't make it full-term, but she wasn't going to even tell me that much, until a friend persuaded her to. Another girlfriend spoke against domestic violence while practicing it herself. Others proved to be bitter and spiteful. All the time, I was just looking for someone sensitive and caring, to love. You know?
I always hated men's clothes, too. About the most boring, ordinary and ugly things in the world! I still remember loving to wear the female clothes when I could. But I didn't - and still don't - have the courage, or to be honest, feel the need to live as a female myself. If I can be largely androgynous while still being straight-acting male, which is what I do, then that seems to work for me. I do like to dress up in very straight men's clothes and play that part; for me that's as much drag as would be putting on a dress! A male drag king - how bizarre! But there's still the sadness that I can't look more the way I feel, which is feminine. I know I've said I feel like neither M/F, or both, but in this world where it is easier if you at least look like one or the other (and I know that sucks, too), I would prefer to be female. I don't think that would be very convincing in my case, whereas I am a very convincing drag king! But I envy women, both TG and GG for being able to overtly express themselves in that manner of not just dress but outlook etc.
Many people have commented that I do have that balance anyway. I did the gender test on www.thespark.com and came in right in the middle - they guessed I was a woman. I wish they were right. So maybe it's OK that I am where I am, and that I can express both sides emotionally etc., but there are still the regrets. Regrets about things that can't be altered are not very useful, either.
I now have no real interest in straight women sexually. It came to me almost literally in a blinding flash - "you are not attracted to straight women, and you don't have to be. It's OK!". That was a great weight off my mind, that realisation. But where does it leave me, someone who loves to love, but has been kicked in the teeth so many times before?
I need a mature, caring, together, happy, honest and yes, very passable TG woman. I don't care whether she is pre, post or non-op. I don't care how she is doing financially. I'm not big on smokers or materialistic people, though.
I am also aware that some TG women have some sort of superiority complex regarding what they judge as "admirers". I would have thought that a) to be admired is a good thing, and b) those who understand what it is like to be misjudged would not want to do the same thing themselves. I'm sure the majority are fine but I've seen enough bias in the world to not appreciate it being mistakenly applied to myself, thank you very much!
An updated bit, April 02: recent experiences have changed my perceptions even more. I thought I had found myself an ideal TG partner but for various reasons, it didn't work out. On my side, I realised that even with a TG woman, I was still expected to play the male role. Happy to do so under those circumstances, but still not ideal, as I discovered. It seems that I really need to still outwardly express my own female side, but I don't have the courage or really feel the need to do so full time. But I have *always* admired women's clothes and love to compare their outfits when I'm out and about; anybody would think I was a straight guy checking out the women, but the reality is I am jealous of their ability to wear such clothes and to be the lovely feminine type of people they are.
So I think now my main need is to start crossdressing again, and not worry about finding someone to play the male role with. Maybe find some friends to dress with. it seems to be the right thing for me to do now, and I think I'm being more honest with myself this way. Where does it go from here? Don't ask me!
Thanks for making it this far. I haven't mentioned yet... I was born in 1960 (figure out my age from there!) and live in South Australia. That means that statistically, you probably live nowhere near me!! I have no idea what purpose this little webpage may serve but it seemed like the right time to do it, and I always trust my intuition. It feels good to get it out of my system and into the world, too. Please feel free to email me by clicking on the mailbox below, even if just to say hello. *Please remember to remove one of the y's from my name; it's an anti-spam thing. Spammers love to steal addresses from webpages.* Other admirers in a similar position are very welcome to reply, too, to know there are other like-minded people out there. Have a good life, and thanks for visiting.
Thanks also to the nearly 1000 people who have visited this page before the April 02 update!
gynandro
Some links of interest:
You Are Not Alone
Meow: TG chatroom
