Only Hoosiers can understand any of this.

Here are some guidelines to assist others in understanding what it takes to be a Hoosier

1. Know the state casserole. The state casserole consists of canned green beens, Campbell's cream of mushroom soup and dried onions. You can safely take this casserole to any social event and know that you will be accepted.

2. Get used to food festivals. The Indiana General Assembly, in an effort to grow bigger athletes, passed legislation years ago requiring every incorporated community to have at least one festival per year dedicated to a high-fat food. It is your duty as a Hoosier to attend these festivals and at least buy at least one elephant ear.

3. Know the geography. Of Florida, I mean. I've run into Hoosiers who couldn't tell you where Evansville is but they know the exact distance from Fort Myers to Bonita Springs. That's because all Hoosiers go to Florida in the winter, or plan to when they retire, or are related to retired Hoosiers who have a place in Sarasota. We consider Florida to be the Lower Peninsula of Indiana.

4. If you can't afford to spend the winter in Florida, use the state excuse which is that you stay here because you enjoy the change of season. you'll be lying, but that's ok, we've all done it.

5. Speaking of Indiana weather, wear layers or die. The thing to remember about Indiana seasons is that they can ocur at anytime. We have spring like days in January, and wintry weekends in October. April is capable of providing a sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour period. For these reasons, Indiana is the Layering Capital of the World. Even layering, however, can pose danger. Golfers have been known to dress for hypothermia and end up dead of heat stroke because they couldn't strip off their layers of plaid fast enough on a changeable spring morning.

6. Don't take Indiana place names literally. If a town has the same name as a foreign city; Valparaiso and Versailles for examples, you must not pronounce them the way the foreigners do lest you come under suspicion as a spy. Also East Enterprise has no counterpart on the west side of the state. South Bend is in the north. North Putnam is in the south and French Lick isn't what you think either.

7. Become mulch literate. Hoosiers love mulch and appreciate its subtle differences. Learn the difference between hardwood, cypress and pine bark at a minimum. Researchers think the state affinity for mulch derives from its relatively flat terrain. People have a subconscious need for topography, and when it can't be suppplied naturally, they are more likely to make little mulch hillocks in their front yards.

8. In order to talk sports with obsessive fans in Indiana, you have to be knowledgeable on the tree levels - professional, college and high school. The truly expert Indiana sports fan knows not only the name of the hotshot center at Abercrombie and FItch High School, but also what colleges he's interested in, how much he bench-presses, who he took to the prom, and what he got on his biology quiz last week.

9. Remember that Hoosiers are never the first to embrace trends. When we do embrace them, we do so with a Midwestern pragmatism. For example, if you see a Hoosier with a nose ring, there's a good chance he's had it undercoated to guard against rust.

10. The best way to sell something in Indiana is to attach the term "Amish" to it. The product need not be genuinely Amish. This would explain the existence of Amish moo shu pork.

I hope you found this guide to be useful. If it offends you, please let me know. I will bring a green bean casserole to your house to make amends.