When I ws a young boy I yearned for freedom. Freedom from my family, freedom from authority, freedom from responsibility. Things change in ways you don't predict though. Twenty-seven years later I find i'm still struggling to an extent with these same things. There even comes a time when you finally accept them, start to actually not take them for granted and then you find them being taken away from you. You see it slowly slipping away before your eyes and you can't do anything about it either. I'm talking about my grandmother. I see her dying daily before my eyes and I can't help her. How do you accept this? Men are supposed to pride themselves on the strength of their sex and yet we hurt the same way everyone else does. I look into her glassy eyes and try to tell her I love her in a way that can relay the depths of the emotion i'm feeling and let her know that I realize the sacrifices she has made for me. Instead it comes out sounding like calloused emotion from a stranger. "I love you." Isn't it funny I can say those words to her and yet appear not to mean them? The day is coming soon when it will be just me sitting on the porch smoking a cigarette staring at the neighbors. The day will arrive soon when all I have to look forward to greeting me at my door is an empty house. I realize these things, I even prepare for them yet I am not ready. At what point will I be able to look you in the eye and say good-bye and not be scared? At what point will I not resent the pain you had to endure in silence? When can I tell you that I love you and and it finally carries the weight of my conviction? My God, my Savior, I want to turn to you for answers but I am truly frightened of what you may tell me. "It was because I said so." What a cruel joke I feel is being played on me at the expense of another.
28/03/03
11/04/03 I am a victim of my own bad judgement. As of right now I am pursuing a woman that really has no interest in me. She is a sweet girl, albeit she talks WAAAY too much! She is attractive in her own way and has her own money. She is dedicated to her family and is good at her job. The odd thing is that i'm pursuing her even though i'm just as disinterested as she is! Why am I doing this then? I'm lonely! Damn, i'm lonely! I ask for so little and it seems that i'll never be able to get even that! All I want is a woman that is smart, funny, sensitive to others, and if i've been a good boy she might even be good looking! I can never seem to find her though. So once again i'm forcing myself on someone and settling when neither of us wants it.
11/04/04 In case anyone was wondering what the Hell happened to me all I can say is A LOT! I now live up in Austin Texas with a friend i've known longer than i've known myself, I have a job working in a cooler freezing to death everyday, and i've officially made my first true female friend with this pretty little hippie who makes me laugh. Life has once again taking me on another twist of her road and I wonder what she has in store for me now! Email me for more info and if your name in Annie, write me! Once again I have new insight into myself which i'm sure you already knew. Till then, just know that the good rev is watching his flock as always.
12/04/04
So the tirade begins again... I am half a man. It wasn't always this way though. God in his infinite wisdom or because of his tremendous sense of humor decided to divide me in two, all of us in two. So what once was one now is only half. What I once had the answer to, I now only know the question. So I search for my other half. It's a puzzle though. So many pieces seem to fit yet only one does. I'm not the only one who feels this way. "My God, why have you forsaken me?" Even our savior felt alone and in half.. So many times I have found beautiful pieces that almost fit if I force them. Other times I knew they wouldn't. On occasions they have wanted me to fit but I didn't want to. What does one do? Should I be happy with the piece I do have? Does God ever want me to find my other half? I know you are there even if you don't. That's why I will look for you still.
13/06/04 So i'm talking to a girl right now I met through a mutual friend. It's amazing how much we seem to have in common. She's deeply religious, has a warped sense of humor and is a total hornball. As of now we haven't actually met because she lives in another state and I have my own more personal reasons. The main one being I don't want to fuck up where this might be heading. You see I have a bad habit of of putting it all on the table as if to say, " Here, this is who I am and even though these are things that you don't even need to know I want you to love me because of them just like I want to love you." For some reason I seem to be incapable of dating people or pursuing women in a normal fashion. I can't help but think that maybe it actually stems from my relationship with my mother. She always claimed that she loves me yet when I need her the most she fails me. So that's what I do to others and I assume will be done to me. I am such a jackass sometimes!
16/02/05 Damn, I have once again failed the masses. I can't even remember the last time I wrote on here much less updated the links! For those of you who care it ended VERY badly with the previous girl I was involved with just as predicted. Since then i've talked to a few girls, slept with a few girls, and generally pissed off a few girls. I'm still looking for that love of my life who I know has to be out there somewhere. You know who you are! Anyways, for anyone who wants to catch me to talk, check out Myspace.com. Just look up Rocky in Austin Tx.
Email: event462@hotmail.com
View My Guestbook
Sign My Guestbook