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The reason I created this webpage.

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And so it happened. It didn't take long, just 27 years. After holding it in for so long I finally mustered up the courage to pour it out, to let it really flow from me. My story. It shares no real pattern so I will tell it that way. You see, it all started when...


01/30/03 Just in case it's not obvious, I just want to let everyone know that all my rants have been moved to my archives link because this page was getting waaaay too long.


In a position of utter desolation,
when man cannot express himself in positive action,
when his only achievement may consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way
-- an honorable way -- in such a position man can,
through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment.
For the first time in my life I was able to understand the meaning of the words,
The angels are lost in perpetual contemplation of an infinite glory.

Victor Franz

02/03/03 For those of you who have been living under a rock, let me directly state that I am fascinated with Christianity. The birth, crucification, and rebirth of Jesus Christ leaves me in awe. It's not even the fact that he died and then rose from the grave, it's the fact he did all that just so we could be forgiven. Why would any person do this for me I can't even begin to grasp. I think that's one of the reasons I keep God at arms length from me. I can see him easily yet can turn my back just the same if need be. The reason I mention all this is because I finished seeing a therapist last week. In a nutshell he told me that I am "cured." So I left, feeling oddly sad. The whole reason I had been seing this man 1-2 times a week was so that I could gain some sense of closure over the problems in my life that I had allowed to be bred into me and then be able start the next chapter of my life. While I did leave with some answers, I left with even more questions. How I could have let myself get to this state of affairs being the main one. I yearn to be happy. I yearn to be loved. The life that I have lived leaves me feeling as if I don't deserve this though. That's why I think it's so hard for me to believe that God could possibly want me. I my deitys' touch yet I am afraid that even he won't be able to forgive my sins. Which puts me back where I started again, wanting help yet unwilling to ask for it.

02/04/03 I am truly a worldly man. By this I mean I am attached to the possesions that I own. That's how we market our society though. We state just by our actions that unless you own the latest apparal then you are somehow less worthy. Why is this? At what point did we become slaves to our possesions. As far back as Plato we have known this to be the wrong answer. He himself stated that the world that we live in is merely a shadow of the one to come. Jesus Christ followed up on that idea by expounding that we are merely working for the next life, meaning Heaven. Now knowing all this, why do we continue along our path? Fear. Fear of the unknown. It is so much easier to do something that you have always done even if you don't like it than to start up something new to you. I am so scared to change my life. The way things are might not be how I like them but they are so familiar that I don't have to worry about the consequences because I already know them.


02/05/03 Being as I am a little sick and tired of how self-rightious i've been lately, i've decided i'm either going to return to my pimp roots or sit around and read movie reviews. You decide.

02/13/03 I am here to tell you that there are devils walking amongst us. They have beautiful faces and cunning toungues they use the better to trick you with. The only God that they serve is themselves. The scariest part is that they don't even admit this to themselves. They truly don't know what they are. They may not have horns and hooves but you will know them. He is the friend that tells you that it's OK to do whatever you like as long as it coincides with his needs. She is the woman that knows that you lust for her and enjoys it all the more.

02/14/03 I just wanted to let everyone know that they got REALLY lucky yesterday. I planned on staying on my soapbox till it broke but a friend stopped by to dragg me out to play pool. Being as the lure of the physical world is still strong on me guess what I chose.

25/02/03 I just got in for the night hanging out with a few friends and I'm exhausted of course. I may still dress the part in my neon green suit but I can't party like I used to!

24/03/03 I apologive about taking so long to update but things have been fast and furious in the world of the Reverend. That's why I'm going to have to break this update into a few different parts. The subjects may not seem to relate but in an odd way they do. Here it goes...

Part 1
Who I am is VERY deeply intertwined with my belief in God. The more I value Him the more important I feel, and the less I believe, the less I tend to believe in myself. Being as I go to Church so often you would think then that my belief would be strong. For once in my life I have finally found a Church where I truly feel I belong and the brothers seem to love me. I am in awe of the people at this Church and how they have opened their arms and heart to me. That's the problem. I am scared of them. How could they love me...ME! I am such an unworthy person, with such a dirty soul. I strive to be like them and have this deep unshakeable belief but I can't. Do you know how scared I am of you brothers? Do you know how I fear your rejection? My whole life has been a battle of loneliness and bruised emotion. The harder you strive to help me the more I pull away from you. I hope you don't take this personal. If anyone should it should be me. I should be offended at myself for not allowing me to be loved by you. I have to do this though. If I keep up this wall of distance and cut off my emotion from you then you won't know me well enough to find out all my dirty little secrets, all my pain. I don't want you to hate me the way I hate myself. This will change in time though. I know I won't always feel this way. Please have patience with me. Have patience with me
Jeff, whose whose pain at one time mirrored my own yet was still able to turn his life around and which shows me that all things are possible through God.
Gary, who showed me that it's never too late to believe.
Don, Whose unabashed joy in God is truly amazing.
John, whose passion I hope to one day equal.
Ray, who manages to keep it all together in a job that doesn't often make way for the Word.
I love all of you, for you truly are my family. I just ask that you be patient with me and know that I will do my best to make right by you.

The Psychology of Death and Dying
When I ws a young boy I yearned for freedom. Freedom from my family, freedom from authority, freedom from responsibility. Things change in ways you don't predict though. Twenty-seven years later I find i'm still struggling to an extent with these same things. There even comes a time when you finally accept them, start to actually not take them for granted and then you find them being taken away from you. You see it slowly slipping away before your eyes and you can't do anything about it either. I'm talking about my grandmother. I see her dying daily before my eyes and I can't help her. How do you accept this? Men are supposed to pride themselves on the strength of their sex and yet we hurt the same way everyone else does. I look into her glassy eyes and try to tell her I love her in a way that can relay the depths of the emotion i'm feeling and let her know that I realize the sacrifices she has made for me. Instead it comes out sounding like calloused emotion from a stranger. "I love you." Isn't it funny I can say those words to her and yet appear not to mean them? The day is coming soon when it will be just me sitting on the porch smoking a cigarette staring at the neighbors. The day will arrive soon when all I have to look forward to greeting me at my door is an empty house. I realize these things, I even prepare for them yet I am not ready. At what point will I be able to look you in the eye and say good-bye and not be scared? At what point will I not resent the pain you had to endure in silence? When can I tell you that I love you and and it finally carries the weight of my conviction? My God, my Savior, I want to turn to you for answers but I am truly frightened of what you may tell me. "It was because I said so." What a cruel joke I feel is being played on me at the expense of another.

28/03/03

11/04/03 I am a victim of my own bad judgement. As of right now I am pursuing a woman that really has no interest in me. She is a sweet girl, albeit she talks WAAAY too much! She is attractive in her own way and has her own money. She is dedicated to her family and is good at her job. The odd thing is that i'm pursuing her even though i'm just as disinterested as she is! Why am I doing this then? I'm lonely! Damn, i'm lonely! I ask for so little and it seems that i'll never be able to get even that! All I want is a woman that is smart, funny, sensitive to others, and if i've been a good boy she might even be good looking! I can never seem to find her though. So once again i'm forcing myself on someone and settling when neither of us wants it.


11/04/04 In case anyone was wondering what the Hell happened to me all I can say is A LOT! I now live up in Austin Texas with a friend i've known longer than i've known myself, I have a job working in a cooler freezing to death everyday, and i've officially made my first true female friend with this pretty little hippie who makes me laugh. Life has once again taking me on another twist of her road and I wonder what she has in store for me now! Email me for more info and if your name in Annie, write me! Once again I have new insight into myself which i'm sure you already knew. Till then, just know that the good rev is watching his flock as always.


12/04/04 So the tirade begins again... I am half a man. It wasn't always this way though. God in his infinite wisdom or because of his tremendous sense of humor decided to divide me in two, all of us in two. So what once was one now is only half. What I once had the answer to, I now only know the question. So I search for my other half. It's a puzzle though. So many pieces seem to fit yet only one does. I'm not the only one who feels this way. "My God, why have you forsaken me?" Even our savior felt alone and in half.. So many times I have found beautiful pieces that almost fit if I force them. Other times I knew they wouldn't. On occasions they have wanted me to fit but I didn't want to. What does one do? Should I be happy with the piece I do have? Does God ever want me to find my other half? I know you are there even if you don't. That's why I will look for you still.


13/06/04 So i'm talking to a girl right now I met through a mutual friend. It's amazing how much we seem to have in common. She's deeply religious, has a warped sense of humor and is a total hornball. As of now we haven't actually met because she lives in another state and I have my own more personal reasons. The main one being I don't want to fuck up where this might be heading. You see I have a bad habit of of putting it all on the table as if to say, " Here, this is who I am and even though these are things that you don't even need to know I want you to love me because of them just like I want to love you." For some reason I seem to be incapable of dating people or pursuing women in a normal fashion. I can't help but think that maybe it actually stems from my relationship with my mother. She always claimed that she loves me yet when I need her the most she fails me. So that's what I do to others and I assume will be done to me. I am such a jackass sometimes!


16/02/05 Damn, I have once again failed the masses. I can't even remember the last time I wrote on here much less updated the links! For those of you who care it ended VERY badly with the previous girl I was involved with just as predicted. Since then i've talked to a few girls, slept with a few girls, and generally pissed off a few girls. I'm still looking for that love of my life who I know has to be out there somewhere. You know who you are! Anyways, for anyone who wants to catch me to talk, check out Myspace.com. Just look up Rocky in Austin Tx.


Email: event462@hotmail.com

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