NOTE* EVERY WEEK I'M GOING POST A DIFFERENT JOKE, SO COME BACK EVERY FRIDAY TO GET YOUR JOKE FIX.
Friday Apr 2, 2004
Who got who?
On night patrol duty this cop sees this guys peeing in the middle of the street, walks up to him and says: "Sir, I'm gonna ask you to put the flute away back in your pants." The man drunk out of his mind turns and says: "This is not a flute, this is a telescope!" The cop then repeats: "Sir I won't ask again and I don't care what you call it but put the flute away." and the drunk insist: "It's not a flute, it's a telescope!" without being given much choice the cop takes him downtown where the guy get's interrogated by the chief of police, and where he ask the drunk: "I understand that officer Ramirez asked you a couple of times to put your flute away, and you refused... " "It's not a flute, it's a telescope dammit!" The drunk interrupted. The Chief then to humor him he asked him why is it a Telescope and not a Flute. The Drunk then answered: "Well if you blow wind into it, it will not make any sounds, but if you stick it up your ass stars will be the only thing you'll be seeing!"
Friday Mar 26, 2004
An elderly couple gets pulled over for driving too slow on the Highway. After the officer was handed the driver's licence he notices that the couple was coming from Butte, Montana and utters: "Wow Butte, Montana I got my worse piece of ass up there!" By this the wife then says appalingly: "What did he say?" and her husband turns to her and says: "He said he knows you!"
Friday Mar 19, 2004
Assault to pleasure
As a bartender was closing his bar before leaving for the night, a robber walks in with a shotgun and yells: "Give me the money, or I'll blow your fucking head off." "Don't shoot I'll do anything as you say, just don't shoot!" pleaded the bartender for his life. The robber was liking the idea of control over the bartender that after he handed him the money he said to him: "Now get on your knees and give me a blowjob!" and the batender starts giving him head, until one point the robber got really into the blowjob the bartender was giving him that he dropped the weapon by accident. the Bartender then picks up the weapon and hands it back to the robber, and says: "Man, make sure you don't drop it again. Any of my friends can walk-in in any second!!"
Friday Mar 12, 2004
Two crazy guys that end up in "The Loony Bin Institution" have taken on a different persona. One claimed he was George Washington, and the other claimed to be Bill Clinton. One day when they finally came across one another they both sat and talked about foreign policy, and other political affairs. They were inseparable, until one day they started to dissagree with one another so much they couldn't stand each other. One day to be snotty to Clinton, Washington said: "I'm George Washington! I was the first president, and I am on the one dollar bill. So I am more than you!" This comment by Washington pissed off Clinton so much he tackled Washington, and they started kicking each other's asses, for days and days, and whenever they saw one another. It came to be too much for the employee's at the institution to bare, and didn't want to put up anymore of their lunacy until one of the doctors decided to lock both of them for weeks in the same room and allow themselves to kill one another. A couple of weeks later the doctor assumes that by now they'd probably killed one another. The doctor along side with a couple of nurses approach and open the door. As soon as the door opened one of them comes out and said: "I'm still Bill Clinton!" Then the other one walks out with a sore limp and says: "Hi, I'm Monica Lewinsky!"
Friday Mar 5, 2004
Pinocchio Sex God
One day after having incredible sex with his wooden girlfriend, Pinocchio's girlfriend complains that evertime they have sex she ends up with splinters, and paint scratches all over her pubic section. And to conclude if he doesn't find a new form of protection she's never laying with him again. Bothered by this dilemma Pinocchio turns to Gepetto for advice. Gepetto then suggest that maybe some sandpaper could smooth the wood work afterwards. By this advice Pinocchio takes off and isn't seen for weeks. Until one day Gepetto ends up making a trip to the Hardware Store to get a few items for the shop, and who does he find by the register with many boxes of sandpaper? None other then Pinnochio. "Hey, Pinnochio you dog you! I see your taking care of your women!" commented Gepetto. By this Pinocchio then replies in a very curt way: "What women?"
Friday Feb 27, 2004
The Curse of The Parrot
After being on sea for a long time, The Ship "Agatha" shipped in the docks of some island in the Caribean that the crew has never been to. The Captain along side with his parrot went sight seeing along the island, until they came inside a shopping center on a very active shopping day. "Holy Shit Captain! there is a lot of people here!" commented the parrot. A security guard overhears the profanity of the parrot, and approaches: "I'm sorry sir I overheard your parrot speaking some profanity, and we don't take profanity very lightly on establishments on this island so we charge 25 cents everytime someone curses." The parrot then says to the captain: "can you believe this shit?" the security once more says: "He said one once more, it'll be 50 cent." Then the parrot replies: "Captain just give this son of a bitch a whole dollar so that he can go fuck himself!"
Friday Feb 20, 2004
On the day a guy was gonna propose to his longtime girlfriend. He show up to surprice her in the middle of the afternoon to find her in bed fucking his bestfriend. "Damn you both! Man you and I were friends since the fourth grade, and you whore my penis is never enough for you, and to think I came here to propose to you. Well after seeing this there's not much left to say except you both are death to me! and you pair of assholes could've stopped atleast to pay some attention to me while I say this to you!"
Friday Feb 13, 2004
A guy walks into a bar to find one of his best friends drunk of his mind, and crying. He walks up to him and concerned for his friend he asks him: "What's wrong man, talk to me! I am your friend." not being able to controll his crying he says: "Man, my wife has been having an affair for quite some time now, and I am not crying here because of how much of a whore she is, but only because the man she's cheating on me with happens to be a Paraplegic, and everytime I come home at night I get to pick him up from by bed."
Friday Feb 6, 2004
Two amish joung men saved up a lifetime of money to see other sides of the world. When the time came they packed up and went on their journey. Up in Europe walking one night, they ran across a couple of prostitutes at a bar drinking beer. After having a good time talking to those whores, both whores talk them into sleeping with them, and since they were nice to them they were only gonna charge them half of what they usually charge. At first the guys were not sure about it, eventually they came to an agreement that whatever happens they never were to speak of it again. So being alone with them whores they were handed condoms, which they didn't know what they were for. The whores explain to the guys that they were to wear them so that they won't end up pregnant or to contract, or pass on STDs. The boys wore them and went on the ride. A week later when they find themselves in South America the guys sitting by one another, one says: "Frederick, Do you care if them joung women were to get pregnant, or passed on and contracted STDs?" Frederick responds: "To be honest I don't. Besides they were un pure kind of women." Then the other then suggest: "True, so what do you say if we took of them condoms? I can't stand wearing them anymore!"
Friday Jan 30, 2004
13 year old Johnny and his family moved to a fancy neighborhood near Beverly Hills after they had won the lottery. With his new school being right around the corner from where he lived every day he would walk to school everyday. Making some friends during the first week he overheard some of them talk about a bordello being two blocks away from school. Curious by hearing that he decided to walk near by it to check it out the next moring before school. Once infront of the "Bordello" the next morning, he saw a gentleman coming out of the Bordello. Overwhelmed by this he spoke to the man while pointing at him, and said: "Dude, I just saw you coming out of a whore house!" shocked, and exited by his own words he celebrated having seen the man coming out of it. The man embarrassed, and pissed about being made fun of, reached for his wallet and said containing himself: "Here have $100! You better don't tell anyone you saw me here!" "Sure!" said Johnny, and went straight to school. Later that week riding his new bike around the new neigborhood, he came across the same man, this time coming out of his own house. "Dude, you're that guy I saw coming out of the whore house! Now I know where you live!" said Johnny angrying the man once more, as the man reached into his wallet giving him another $100 to keep his mouth shut. Johnny was happy about that, and had no idea what to do with the money. A couple of days later his mother found the cash, and interrogated Johnny about where did he get the money. Johnny eventually came clean and told his mother everything. His mother got mad about the whole blackmailing situation. Grounded Johnny, then took him for confession at church. Once at church sitting behind the curtain Johnny started telling the priest about the whole deal, and the guy giving him money and such. The priest then said: "Yes my son, You're mother is completely right blackmailing people is a sin and should not be done to any of our neighbors for one day we shall be in that same position, and God forbid we get blackmailed too." after hearing this Johnny all of a sudden moves the curtain in one motion, and says: "Dude, now I know where you work!"
Friday Jan 23, 2004
A horny senior citizen goes out one night to try to get laid. He goes to this popular bar downtown, and tries to pick up any nice looking girl present at the time. By nearly closing time he started to get desperate, so he walkes up to the sluttiest girl in the bar and says: "Hey, hot stuff! Ever wonder what it's like to be with a guy my age?" "Maybe once or twice." She replied. "Would you like to find out what it's really like?" He insists. Just to fullfill her curiosity she ends up going with him to his place for some sex, and it turns out to be the best sex she's ever had. "Oh, my god you are out of this world good!" she exclamated. " Would you like to have better? Just hold each of my balls with each of your hands, let me take a 30 minute nap, and it's go time." So he takes a nap, while she holds his balls until she wakes him up half an hour later. They go at it, and it was far better than the first time. The old man than talks her into letting him take another nap while she hold his balls, so that he can top that. Curious about it she asks him: "Does me holding your balls while you sleep make you a better lover?" He then replies: "No, not at all! It's just that most women steal my wallet while I take my nap."
Friday Jan 16, 2004
Going on a missionary pilgrimage in Africa, a priest and a sister stroll through the desert for a couple of days. After not seeing life for a couple of days, and running out of water they stopped at this oasis to clean themselves. Both get naked right next to one another when the priest notices the sister young and supple body. Stunned by her beauty, and trying to play off ignorance the priest the says: "What's that bush coming from the middle of your legs, sister?" The sister keeps a straight face, and says: "That is something that I consider to be dead in my life, and exist no longer for what it stands." Then the sister peaks at the priest and then asks curiously back at him: "What's that thing that just grew from your crotch, and got really stiff?" The priest then replies: "This is something that revives to those things back to life."
Friday Jan 9, 2004
At the dinner table Mom, Dad, and little five year old David were having dinner. Being all horny that night Mom goes for innuendo talk with daddy, just so that little David won’t understand a word, and says: “Honey, my clothes are really dirty tonight, and are yelling from the inside all day to be washed. How about we do a load of laundry tonight?” Acknowlegding the language behind the words of his wife Dad answers: “Not tonight dear. I’m really tired from work, and I am just going to take a shower, then go straight to bed.” Moments later once Dad is in the shower Mom calls on little David, and tells him to tell his Daddy that it is laundry night even if he doesn’t feel like it. So little David goes straight towards the bathroom, and knocks at the door, and calls out: “Daddy, Mommy says that tonight is laundry night even if your feel like it or not.” Dad then replies: ”Tell Mommy that I’ve already washed my clothes by hand in the shower.”
Friday Jan 2, 2004
Diding her childish.
On one afternoon mom and dad where getting it on when all of a sudden little four year old charlie barges in, while daddy is on top of mom. "Horsy, horsy ride daddy!!" little charlie said. Dad thought this for about a second and though this probably wouldn't cause much harm, so little charlie climps on top of daddy's shoulders while daddy fucks mommy. With Little charlie on daddy shoulders helping with the movement, Mommy started getting more into it. She moaned and moaned like daddy's never heard before, and that got daddy more into it, when all of a sudden little charlie says: "Watch out daddy, here's usually when the mailman and I fall of the horse."
Friday Dec 26, 2003
Toked up animals.
A deer is about to smoke marijuana, when a rabbit come flying toward him, and tells him: "Don't do that that's bad for you why don't you come running with me, you'll feel way better." So the deer puts the blunt down and goes on the running with the rabbit, once they come across an elephant about to snore coke. "Don't do that! that's bad for you why don't you come running with us. You'll feel way better." the elephant agrees and runs along with the rabbit and the deer, until they come across a lion about to shoot up heroin. The rabbit goes up to him, but right before he said anything the lion strikes him and knocks him out. The elephant got pissed at the Lion and demanded: "Why did you do that he only wanted to help you." The lion then answered: "That fucking rabbit always makes me go running of like a dumb ass everytime he gets on exstacy."
Friday Dec 19, 2003
Being mad from all the infidelity, Sarah is giving his husband Larry the silent treatment. Driving through the highway Larry can’t take it anymore, and says: “Honey, I’m sorry that I hurt you. Can you please start talking back to me.” With that said Sarah goes ahead and explodes in outburst to tell him how much of a bastard he was that he cheated, and starts ranting and bad mouthing his penis. Larry then gets worked up about it, and sticks his penis out and says: ”Look at it, what do you want me to do with this?” Without thinking about it Sarah goes ahead and chops Larry’s penis with a sharp object, and throws it out the window. Meanwhile driving right behind them is Bob with his 11 year old daughter minding their own business, when all of a sudden. *Flap* the penis comes flying straight on the middle of the windshield. Not wanting his daughter to be exposed to the vision of the penis, Bob goes straight to using the wipers to clear the penis as fast as possible. With all the awkwardness tension Bob tried to act ignorant, and pretends as if nothing happened. Then his daughter goes ahead and asks: “What was that?” Not knowing what to say Bob says: “Uh, Ah that was Uh, one of those Mosquitos.” Puzzled by Bob’s answer she then replies: “Well, It sure has a huge dick!”
Friday Dec 12, 2003
How about some fries with that!
A guy stops into a dinner on his way to town, when as he's reading the menu he reads: Cheeseburger $5, Chicken Sandwich $4.50, and Blow Job $15. Stunned by this he calls on the sexiest waitress. "Hi, are you the one who gives the Blow jobs?" the waitress looks back attracted at him, and says: "Well, yeah I am." The guy then responded: "Well do you mind washing your hands, I want a damn cheese burger!"
Friday Dec 5, 2003
Sacrifices to Better
A married couple after days of arguing how they were gonna get out of debt, came up with the solution that The wife was gonna become a prostitude, and that the husband was gonna be her pimp. So first night comes up and they'd arrange for $50 a handjob, $100 a blow job, and $150 for sex. The wife goes and stands on the corner, while her husband waits in the car right across the street. The first guy comes up, but only has $40, and persuades for a handjob. When the wife walks up to her husband to whether he'd let that slide. Then the husband agrees no big deal, do it! So, she get's in the back seat of the guys car, un botton's him when the biggest penis ever comes out. She stares at it like she's never see one before. Having seen it she runs back to her husband and says: "How about we borrow this guy $110?"
Friday Nov 28, 2003
Emily and Janet were old college roomates. They got together to talk about the old days, and the new ones. Emily talks about her being married, with two kids. and Janet then talks about her being married but doesn't seem to exited about it. Emily then makes her tell her, and Janet starts to say that she's unsatisfied with her husband sexually, and that she wants to leave him. Emily tells her that it's not that bad and that her husband couldn't be any worse than her husband. After Emily said this the idea suddenly came up, and suggested they both sleep one time with each other's husband. They came up with the idea to waltz back in the middle of the night when they're already asleep, and without turning the lights on the just get into the sex. With all this said they both went their way, and came back the next morning to tell about it! Janet, came and said that Emily's husband was so good, that he made her orgasm. Not happy by this Emily said: "Your husband was kind of cold, he just laid there, it was as if he was dead. And apparently he was before I got there!"
Friday Nov 21, 2003
These two low lifes Tony, and Ramon drive every weekend to Tijuana looking for crafty prostitudes with new tricks they never seen before. After they've done this for sometime, neither seemed to be shocked by practically nothing anymore. They complain about 69-ing, dirty sanchez's, and other novelty tricks that were given different names but performed the same. This time they were prepared for all it. If by any chance it sounded familiar they probably already knew what it actually was. So they go up, and pretty much everything sounds like the last thing they've heard, until they walk up to this whore house, and the whore at the door tells them about two new acts. One was called the hurricane, and the other the reverse dust buster. Exited by this Tony goes for the hurricane, and Ramon goes for the Reverse dust buster. Right after, Ramon was limping his way back, as he saw tony sitting with ice on his crotch. Tony explained the Hurricane to Ramon: "The woman got on top of me, and started to turn. At first I thought it was nice until, she started turning, and jumping on my penis at the same time. It was horrible. I didn't know my penis could turn as much, and the jumping made the pain worse, until I asked her to stop. When I saw my penis it was blue all over. So how was the Reverse dust buster." Ramon looked at Tony in a unsatisfying sort of way and said: "It is the most horrible thing ever! The women gets her mouth on your penis and blows, I mean really blows. When all of a sudden you feel your balls inflating. Then she makes a fist, and before you know it, SPLAT!
Friday Nov 14, 2003
Don't take it away from me.
Ronald was send by his job to Japan to attend a Seminar for a week. Once in Japan Ronald realizes he forgot his condoms. Ronald went down to some farmacies to buy them, but couldn't find them, and the people working there didn't seem to know what he wanted. Faced by dissapointment, Ronald thought why doesn't he just have unprotected sex while there. It could do no harm since he never had unprotected sex before. He goes out, and hooks with this Gorgeous Japanese woman who he sees for the remainder of his stay. A month goes by after his trip, and Ronald starts to acknowledge green spots around his crotch area, and day by day the spots become more visible. Concerned about this he ends up at the Hospital for a check up. The Doctor first didn't know what it was, he kept him there for some days, showed the spots to his collegues, until after making enough research he comes to Ronald and tells him that he has contracted Mongolian VD, and that it's very rare and they don't really know much about it, but they are going to have to amputate his penis for his own good. Ronald cried, and pleaded with the doctor for something else. But no success. Determined to keep his penis he went straight to an Asian doctor. He shows the spots to him, and right of the bat he says: "Mongolian VD, yes very rare." Then Ronald explained what the other doctor wants to amputate his penis, and if there is another alternative for him to keep his member. The doctor then replies; "Stupid American doctor! Always want to operate so that they make more money! No need to operate!" Ronald happy about the news started to thank him, and then asked: "So I'll be allright then?, I won't have to get my penis amputated?" Then the doctor said: "Yes, don't worry in 3 to 4 weeks penis falls by itself!"
Friday Nov 7, 2003
A former popular male pornstar decided to retire from the porn industry, and decided to become a poet. On his first local appearance over a hundred porn fanatics came out for the former porn actor’s appearance. As soon as he was announced by the announcer the public applauded, and yelled his fake porn film name. Once he took stage, he went straight on reciting his material to the public. It didn’t took long for most of the public to feel uninterested, and bored by his material that some of them left, and the ones that stayed were hoping that eventually will start talking about porn. Shortly the public became impatient and started yelling: “Show us your penis!”, and “Tell us about meat banging!” But the former Adult Star ignored most of it, and just end up telling the material he had original. Afterwards he signed photographs to everyone until:
Fan: “I’m your biggest fan! I have all your collection of the Meat Banging Series 1- 25, and I have to say your schlong is like the most powerful junk I have ever seen!
Former Porn Actor: “Thank You! I enjoyed doing all of that! But what did you think of my poetry?”
Fan: “Well, ah I don’t know shit about poetry“
Former porn Actor: “Okay, I hear you loud and clear: ‘Stay limited.” The hell with that! I’m not just another porn industry meat banger.”
Fan: “Whoa, that’s exactly how I feel!”
Friday Oct 31, 2003
Who needs protection?
An old man couldn't get either one of his two kids to take him to get Social Security Office one day, so he decided to take the bus instead. With his cane in his hand he waited by the bus stop with 15 other people or so as well. Once the bus arrived he was the last to get on, as result he there was no place for him to sit. He was too short too reach the bar close to the ceiling, so he stood there pivoting on his old cane which happened to be out of rubber at the bottom. At one point the bus driver breaks unexpectedly, and the old man false right on his face. Some teenager amused by the old man falling said: "Hey, Old bag your cane is out of rubber! If it had rubber on the bottom, which it doesn't, you wouldn't have fallen. So it needs a rubber at the bottom, that's why you fell!, because you didn't have rubber no more, haha!" Once the old man got up and adjusted himself he walked up to the teenager, got in his face, and said: "Listen, kid! If your daddy would have done the same years ago, today I would have a place to sit on this bus!"
Friday Oct 24, 2003
We're not in Amish Country Anymore
Eric was an Amish guy, who every now and then went down to the nearest town and got drunk. After the sun was gone, he would get on his horse followed by his loyal dog "Pimples"on foot. And to the town they would go. He'd leave the horse tied by a tree, and Pimples followed him with his legs between his legs into the bar, and usually hid under the table. Eric drank, and drank until he could no more. He payed, and went straight to his horse. Once face to face with the horse, the horse said: "Drunken human! Watch out every one!" Frightened Eric ran back towards the farm without the horse, with Pimples running right next to him. Once he got some distance in between he stopped for a breather, and looked at Pimples right in the face, and Pimples said: "Can you believe that Son of a Bitch!"
Friday Oct 17, 2003
An Asian guy, Toshi moved to New York to go to College. After paying for class and books, he shortly found himself running out of cash, so he seeked for a job on campus. Luckly he found one job opening as a Street kleener. Desperately he took it and proudly did it! He went around campus picking up garbage, and what ever he could to keep the campus looking nice. One day he saw a light pole filled with flyers from top to bottom of a party that happened a week ago. Bravely he climbed up the light pole determined to take every flyer out. As he got closer to the top, he looked at the building he was facing, and saw a girl taking off her clothes. Then he saw a naked guy walking towards her. Toshi couldn't have been more happier that he took that job, as he stared intently at the couple through the window from the light pole. He was so into what he was seeing that he started to hump the pole, once the guy started to fuck her. Toshi was having a ball, until the girl caught a glimpse at the window, and saw Toshi humping the pole. Out of impulse the girl pushed the guy away, and Toshi said: "Girl let go of man. Shit!, Toshi let go of Light Pole!"
Friday Oct 10, 2003
What are friends for?
John who recently had sex with his girfriend of two years for the first time ever, prematurely ejaculated on this first time. As result his girlfriend doesn't wish to have sex at all. He tried flowers, chocolates, dates on fancy french restaurants, and nothing. As he ran out of ideas he seeked help to his bestfriend Steve. Steve sympathized, and told him that a little wacking off hours prior to doing it could help a bit. John took note of this, and was determined to put it to the test. First he convinced his girlfriend for another go at it when they go out the next day. Right after work that day, he was running late. He couldn't go home first to do his thing, so he went straight to his girlfriend's, and asked to use the bathroom. Once in the bathroom wacking off, he forgets that the bathroom door can't be locked but assumes it is. Right when John ejaculates his girlfriend walks in on him. "Aaahhhh, John those are suppose to be our future kids." Not knowing what to say or do, John looks at his hand full of sperm and reaches it as close to her face and says: "Hey, future kids! Give a kiss to future Mommy."
Friday Oct 3, 2003
Safari to Hell
A guy goes on a African Safari vacation, and is going to start from North Africa making his way south. The guy ends up getting a camel to get him through the Desert, but doesn't know the first thing about riding a camel. The guy he got the camel from said that riding a camel is very easy, especially with that camel. You have to only remember 2 things only: 1.)To advance you have to say the words: "Thank You God", and the more you say that phrase the faster the camel will go. And 2) To stop the camel you have to say Amen. So the guy gets on his new friend the camel, and rides on it for a couple of hours when he finds himself bored out of his mind. Remembering what the previous owner said to him, he decided to check the speed of his camel. "Thank you God, Thank you God, Thank you God......!!" And the camel went faster, and faster, and he was having a ball. Until he lift his head and saw that a big canyon about 50 yard ahead, and he forgot the words to make the camel stop. He started saying: "Stop! Simon says stop!..." and so on, until he found himself praying as he was about to plummet into the nothing, and yells out at the end: "Amen!" and the camel stops about foot from the edge of the canyon. The guy sighed out of relief and said: "Thank you God!"
Nurse Dumb Ass
In an E.R. a Doctor was waiting for the new nurse to bring pints of blood for a patient who was in need of a blood transfusion. After beeping her constantly for 5 minutes or so she shows with a cart full of pints, and more pints of blood. Frustated the Doctor gets right in her face and reminds her of her duties, and responsiblities. Then when he brought up the fact that there was a patient waiting for a blood transfusion she interrupted and said that she already took care of that. "You have?" The Doctor asked. Then she answered: " Yes, but not a lot of blood came out of him. Only 2 or 3 gallons!"
Water for Survival
After the war one american soldier was left behind in the desert, where he wandered for days until he ran into an enemy soldier that was as lost as he was. They both set their soldier duties aside, and decided to help one another until they got themselves to the nearest town. The heat of the desert was killing them and found themselves shortly without water. A couple of hours after they came across a cantine full of water. They both fought over it, cursed each other out, and kicked each other's ass until they were out of breath. Then the Arab who happen to have a machine gun suggested that they dueled for the cantine. The American soldier first thought it wasn't fair since he only had a lugger, but then agreed since the Arab stood his ground. So, they both stood back to back and went for ten pases. Then both turn and before one shoots the other the American said: "Wait, don't shoot! How much is 2 plus 2?" The Arab distracted answered: "Four." Then The American didn't waste any time and said: "You know to much!" Tuk, tuk , tuk , tuk, tuk....
Next Week more!