ONE -- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

TWO -- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

THREE -- I finally got my head together now my body is falling apart.

FOUR -- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

FIVE -- All reports are in, life is now officially unfair.

SIX -- If all is not lost, where is it?

SEVEN -- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

EIGHT -- Some days you are the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

NINE -- I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few.

TEN -- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

ELEVEN -- Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

TWELVE -- It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

THIRTEEN -- The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

FOURTEEN -- If God wanted me to touch my
toes, he would have put them on my knees.

FIFTEEN -- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

SIXTEEN -- It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

SEVENTEEN -- The only difference between a
rut and a grave is the depth.

EIGHTEEN -- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

NINETEEN -- I am unable to remember if I have sent this to you before or not.