Chapter Seven

The arguing soon became worse between “J” and I. I would spend many a nights crying myself to sleep wishing I was dead but I knew that wasn’t the answer. I knew if I would leave now it would be my boys who would suffer the grief and despair the most and I could not live with that thought of leaving them behind. All he knew how to do was insult and call me a nigger-loving whore for loving the Temptations the way I did. It only angered me more and I would lash out at him with harsh words. Many times the arguments turned into violence. He would become so enraged he would take his anger out on the things I enjoyed the most in life and break them. Many times I had to call for help in fear of what he would do to me next and many times my actions resulted in him leaving till he cooled down. Aniekan played a role in making his anger worse and many times I begged for him to stop the harassment but was told it still continued. By this time I wasn’t sure who was doing what. I was caught in the middle and suffered for it. I just have no heart anymore, no pride to stand up for what I believed in, he has turned me into something I swore I never would become.

Each day for me became a new challenge, wondering what life would bring and what mountains I would have to climb next to overcome the fear and anxiety I so quietly stored away. I still continue to strive on but once more the thought comes to mind of how much a heart can honestly endure before one just gives up and walks away from it all. So often in our lives we are given challenges that we must learn how to overcome. It is through our strength and our pride that we are able to handle all those challenges. We learn from them for it is those life’s challenges that help strengthen our hearts and souls.

A week had passed and nothing had changed between “J” and I, I just needed to get away from it all so I talked to a friend of mine in Detroit where the guys were performing that weekend and she had made a comment about coming up that weekend to see everyone. Once more he took his anger out on me and harshly lashed out in hate again calling me a “Nigger Whore” and many more vulgar names . I couldn’t take the insults and I couldn’t take the heartache so I took my friend up on the offer and packed my bags for the weekend to head up to Detroit. I said goodbye to the boys and told them I would be back sometime the following day or possibly Monday. My purse was ransacked and my house keys taken out of my possession stating I no longer had a home to return to. I was done and I was not to return back to my home of 15 years. I walked away with tears in my eyes, I was hurt but didn’t want to show he had gotten the best of me once more. On the way up to Detroit I listened to Barrington’s “Best Kept Secrets” cd. Barrington always had a way of melting the hearts of his fans through his words and his music. “Sorry” was one of my favorite songs that Barrington sang, my second favorite was “You Said Goodbye”. Both songs had a deep meaning to them and whomever Barrington had in mind when he wrote the songs, he sure did show a lot of emotion and pain with. I couldn’t keep the tears from rolling down my face, I tried to hold back but it was so hard. I just needed a friend but had nobody there so again I was stuck alone to face life’s challenges on my own and do my best to overcome them. I got up to Detroit about 6:30 that night and went to find Kim; I paged for him but was told he never heard the pages from backstage. I bought a ticket and stood and watched the groups perform.

The O’Jays just finished up and The Temptations came on next. As I watched from the top of the stadium, I saw five of the most handsome of gentlemen walk out on the stage dressed so fine as their voices echoed through the stadium. I was upset I could not locate my one friend, I felt like a true outsider at the stadium and went and sat at the back part of the stadium by the phones with tears in my eyes. They sang one of my favorite songs of all time “Don’t Look Back” I cried even harder, this song to me had a special meaning and at that point in my life all I could do is look back and see what I have been through and where life was taking me. An older gentleman came and sat down beside me and asked if I would like to talk, I was never the type who could just sit and pour out their heart to just anyone. He made me feel quite uncomfortable. He offered to buy me something to eat and to take me somewhere I would not be so uncomfortable at. All that raced through my mind is him taking me somewhere I had never been and taking advantage of me. I told him to leave after he offered, the only people I would go with at that time where those I knew. The area I was in was a rough neighborhood from the looks of it, I wasn’t about to leave anywhere with anyone in downtown Detroit whether his heart was in the right place or not. I left after the Temptations finished their performance and went and called my friend that lived up in Detroit. She ended up not coming that evening as I was told because her son wished not to go. I was lost in an area I knew nothing about by myself and upset, a good mixture for trouble. Finally she told me where the Temptations were staying for the few hours that they were before they had to leave out for Missouri for the next show. I made my way over to the hotel hoping I would get the opportunity to talk with them once more. I really wanted to talk with Kim but obviously it wasn’t going to happen. I spoke with Otis for a few moments on the phone and went and waited to see if Kim would come back to the hotel but never did. It was getting late and very chilly out so I waited in the lobby. The Temps all started to come down to leave, one by one. I had just a few moments to speak with each in the lobby before they left and wished them well in their travels. Once more GC touched my heart, seeing how upset I was he came over and gave me a hug before he left, it was just that one moment I was happy once more. I knew they could sense I was upset, Terry had asked if I was okay, holding back everything I could I couldn’t lie and told him no. They were only passing by, there was nothing anyone could have said at that point to make me feel any better nor did I expect them to but I will say that I will always remember that night and would still like to thank GC for the hug he so graciously gave, it truly meant a lot.

The Temptations left out on the road and it was time for me to hit the road once more myself, it was almost 2:30 am. As I got back into my car to go, it hit me once more that I would have to return back to my home knowing all that was going on and wondering if he truly meant what he said that I would not have a home to return back to. Something inside of me snapped and the only thing to come to mind is end life right then and there. I was on anti-depressants and decided to take the whole month supply of them hoping I would just die. It took a while for the medicine to kick in so I started to head back towards home. About 3:15 the medicine kicked in and I became violently ill. Things became distant and I could not hold anything in my stomach and ended up pulling off the road several times. I don’t know what was worse the vomit or the sleepiness that I felt. I was desperate to try to get back home but slowly I could feel my body slipping away from me. Two Michigan State troopers pulled over to see if I was okay, I told them I was just ill from some medication and needed a little bit of time to just rest my eyes. I would wake up and would drive about five miles more and pass out again. I finally made it home 8 hrs later looking very stoned and frightful. The pupils in my eyes became fixed and my eyes were buggy. I would slip in and out of consciousness never knowing if I would fully be able to recover and not really caring if I did. “J” let me back into the house and I hit the couch and passed out again. The effects of the medicine lasted about three days and from that day on I have never touched my anti-depressant medication again, I vowed I would get through this on my own and thus far have succeeded. To this day I am still told I should have been taken to the hospital but wasn’t because I would try to take my life once more and next time succeed and that was a burden “J” could not overcome so he wouldn’t take me in. Sometimes I still wonder if he wanted me to just die so he didn't have to deal with our life anymore, he had become someone I do not know anymore..