Annie's Journal


Have you ever loved some body so much you never wanted to let them go? Have you ever been around some one who, made you feel beautiful no matter what you're doing? Have you ever had a friendship so powerful, nothing could harm it? Have you ever had a friendship so great, with a guy, you would never kiss him, for fear the friendship would end? I've got that. All in one guy, John.

I meet John through another guy friend at school. We were all playing basketball and I was just watching John & his friend play, then later on that night I got John's email. He was making fun of me quite a bit and I'm really not sure why I kept talking to him, but every time I came online- He'd be there and say "Hey" and keep talking to me. He'd ask me how my day was and what asses were trying to mess with me now. He seemed to care enough to ask me all this, but there was still something wired about him.

Was it that he dissed me, then asked me how I was doing? Or was it that he always seemed so willing to talk to me, so willing to help me? Even after all these months, I still don't know. And I don't think he does either.

~Annie

May 2002

Aiden was taking me to see Spiderman with him and a few other friends I was really exsited, Spiderman was going to be great.
When I got there I saw Aiden standing with a few of my friends and-him... John was there. "man..." I'm thinking to myself, "now I get to see Spiderman and get put down, grrreat."

John just happen to be sitting next to me when we got in the theater. The movie started and these other two guys were sitting down in front of us and I guess John knew them because they said hey and then came to sit with us. Althrough the movie all I was hearing was Jill on the other side of me saying how loud "my" friends were being and how cute Tobey(spiderman) was. Then John and his buddy on the other side of me making sick jokes every chance they had. I have to admit some of them were funny but when will people learn enough is enough.

So, the movie finished and I say bye to every one except Aiden because we were going to hang out a little after, when I noitce John's still with us. "He's out to get me!" I was screaming in my head, but wired enough he never said anything to me- or any jokes that were too rude about me.
Maybe he was sceard of Aiden, or just trying to show off when he was over the net.

That night he wasn't online but I got an e-mail from him half way through the night. Something like;

yo annie,

i'm going to be gone tonight so i'll talk to you tomorrow i guess. also, i wanted to say sorry for talking and laughing so much at the movie, i know it sort of messed it up for you. if i can make it up to you i will, like anything really. im sorry.
- john

I was pretty shocked to see that he was sorry. John, sorry about something he did to me?...maybe he was trying to be nice? I was pretty happy for the rest of that night, all my other worries just sort of left me. It wasn't like I was head over heals for this guy, but just the fact he was being nice to me, wow. Maybe he did have a good side.

~Annie

Late May 2002

I’ve been talking to John a lot more. He’s nice guy surprisingly. When he’s not making jokes about me, he’s pretty funny & really smart too. It’s funny how he’s always online when I need to talk to some one. If I’m having a bad day, things get better after talking to him for a while. If I need some help with homework or just anything, he’ll help.

I was supposed to go to Jordan’s house today. But there’s something about that guy that scars me. He’ll tell me he wants to get it on with me, and do this and do that, wants to get drunk with me. Now he wants to spend the day with me at his house while he’s parents are out. Are you kidding me Jord? I’m not that crazy, I’d rather stay virgin a little longer.
Finding a way to tell him I couldn’t go would be hard but then John comes up with this great idea for me just to tell Jordan I’m going to his house.

Only after I told Jordan I was going to be with John all day and went offline to clean my room, I realized that I think John actually wanted to hang out with me. I felt kind of bad that I told him thanks for the excuse and laughed, then just left.

He wasn’t online when I was done my room so, I’ll just have to talk to him tomorrow!

~Annie

June 2002

Ever have one of those deep conversations with some one you never thought could put two sensitive phrases together? Well don’t let the outside image take over your whole view on a person.

I was talking with John the other night, it was one of those hour after hour chats (we’ve started to have a lot of those) and then we got into how much we’ve grown together as friends. I never thought I would ever trust John, I don’t trust any body. There comes a point in life you just stop because of the past, but I think John’s trying to show me he’s not like everyone else, he actually does care, and he’ll be there for me. Even if we’re not said to be great friends by others, him and I know we are.

But with the way things normally go for me, this probably won’t last. I need to find a way to let John know how much he means to me and that I don’t want to lose him. He’s like another part of me, I don’t know what I’d do with out him.

~Annie
July 2002

This afternoon John, Jimmy and I were all hanging out at Jimmy’s place, just talking and such. John and Jimmy were going to have a sleepover. I hate the fact that my mother won’t let me sleepover at guy houses. I mean we’re all just friends. So I was getting ready to announce that I was just going to leave when Jimmy asked me if I wanted to stay the night. I was scared to call my Dad and ask, so Jimmy called him for me while I was talking with John. Turns out my Dad was all for it! Score!! I was so happy, I couldn’t wait to get to Jimmy’s cottage for the sleepover.

The three of us went outside to sit in Jimmy’s hammock when we got there. It was so beautiful outside after about an hour of sitting there talking. We had a blanket stretched across the three of us; we were all cuddled close together. There was an amazing sunset in the sky; all sorts of shades of color were running across the sky. It was getting kinda cold outside but still nice.

Jimmy and I were making a bunch of jokes about sick stuff and I think we were starting to tick off John ‘cause Jimmy got punch a few times. John would just reach across me and smack him. Good work John!

After a while everything got quitter and Jimmy started singing.. Then I felt John’s hand move under the blanket, I figured he hit my hand by mistake (you couldn’t really feel anything on up on that blanket) so I moved it away a bit just to make room for his, but he reach out further and held my hand from under the blanket. This rush of I don’t know what took over me. Jimmy was still there singing and laughing and John was still there next to me looking up at the sunset. So why did everything feel so different?

I was wondering if Jimmy’s jokes about him liking me were more than just jokes. I started getting sleepy and leaned over on John’s shoulder, Jimmy leaded on mine and John rested his head on mine. I was laughing to myself, just thinking of how cute we must look. Then we got up to go inside for the night.

Jimmy led us to a room in his house with a big bed. He told us we could all sleep in there, I started cracking up,
“Spend the night in the same bed as you too? Haha!”
“ It’s not like we’re going to do anything, come on dude.” John said
Haha, he’s so cool and calm. I gave in thinking, what could happen right? We all got ready for bed and jumped in that huge bed.

When John and I figured Jimmy was asleep I turned around and said good night to Jimmy. Then turned back to John who was just there staring at me. It was hard to see anything in the dark, but I’m pretty sure he was smiling. He took my hand again and ran his finger up and down my hand. Tons of things were going threw my head, the number one thing was; were we still just friends? I went threw about 20 different ways to ask him my question quietly. Finally I opened my mouth but nothing came out, I decided just to say his name first,
“John?” my voice cracked
“Yeah?” He was so calm.
“Are we humm…still uhh just friends?” I felt him squeeze my hand.
“Haha! Of course we are Annie! Awww, yes yes of course we are!” He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me for a while.
Before we fell asleep he told me he loved me, and I said the same. Then I felt him drift asleep.

I couldn’t get to sleep and I didn’t want to wake up John, so I crawled out of bed and walked around for a bit. Finally the sun started to come up, I heard something moving and I jumped into a bed in the next room. John walked out the room we were in before and I saw him just stand there for a bit, he walked outside after. I was just laying in bed trying to get the courage to face him again.

I wanted to show him how much I cared, even though he was the one who started all this, I think not backing away and letting my fear fade away I showed him, I really do care. More than words could ever describe. I’ve held guys hands before, but I’ve never had such a crazy rush. And him just falling asleep next to me was crazy. I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to wake him up and tell him I loved him again. But it was morning now, so I walked out side and saw him look up with a huge smile on his face as he saw me walk over to him. This was truly a best friend who loved me, and cared so much. The world seemed to disappear every time his eyes would look into mine that day. Things started to seem brighter when I got home, I had no reason to be mad. I took a snooze, dreaming that he was next to me again once again..in his safe arms.

~Annie
August 2002

The summer's been amazing! I can't believe it's over!
John's been helping me with some desicions for ninth grade. Talking with me about my friends too, some of them are having trouble accepting the fact that I have a guy bestfriend, or maybe it's just because he's a bestfriend in general. My closest friend, Amy, I think she understands now. Which I'm greatful for. I would never want to loss her. I'm also really happy John hasn't dropped me, tired to get in my pants or anything rediculous like that. He's been by my side threw friendship mishapps, up comming school issues, leaving people. His respect and just everything he does for me, means so much to me.

We went to a few movies this month. Hung out about every day, talked day and night. Already been told we're going out and having sex (our parents are part of that crew aswell, which really doesn't help But we might as well get used to it, school's going to be worse). I think it's jut brought us closer though. Which is great. I'm learning so much about him and everything he knows.
He got me into sailing this summer, and I did great! I find it amazing how someone can infulence you so much, even on the smallest things. He opened doors so I can be who I want, say what I want and just be me. Have my own style, not care so much about what other people think about me. If ever I need a shoulder to cry on, he's there. If ever I need some help, an opinon, he's there. John's so sweet and kind to me. I've had a great summer with him, I'm so glad everything is working out.

School's just around the coner but there's still a few days left before we go back. John and I are already talking about next summer and how great this one was.
Once the winter comes around, I know I'm going to be longing for the nights I would look out my window and watch the sunset. Than a few hours later notice I'd been listening to our favorite music and laughing so much I had tears in my eyes, than look up to see that the sky is pitch black. All the stars would shine so bright. We'd just sit there and talk over the internet for hours more, than see that the sun was rising and the sky was multicoloured. It was also so amazing. I'm so glad I've found someone I can share that with, and talk about with more than one phrase. I don't know how to tell him how much I care and happy I am that he likes me for me. I'm a little shy with these things. But I think he knows how much I really do care and like him for him. For everything he does. What a great guy. A few months I've known him, and just as many (plus more) to look foward to.

~Annie
September 2002

The warm weather is slowly disappering, and school seems to be taking it's place. I'm in totaly new classes this year. I don't fit in either. I'm the new kid, and I have blue hair. Comparted to all the preps and ditz, I stand out quite a bit. The classes are just getting into play, finding out what we're going to be doing all year, who we're going to be with in each class.
Unfortunately, I'm not in the class I'd like to be. I know some of the people because back a few years ago I had a rediculous crush on one of the guys. He liked me as well for a while, but then I tried to hang out with more, and things came crashing down at me feet. Typical crush, eh? Well just as luck shows it, I'm in his class. We're with the same people for each class, so I'm stuck with him for the rest of the year.
Everyone else seems sort of friendly, I'm still quite the outcast though. That's why I couldn't wait to get home. Away from my new locker partner, away from these teachers who look at me funny, away from Tim (old crush).

John had welcoming words when I got home. We talked about our day; the classes, the people, it all. John seems to still be having a good time at school, causing trouble and this and that. I wish I could be with him. High school we should be together. Than I can stand tall with him. For now, I think I'm going to need him to sheld me from all the expensive clothes and personalites at school.

~Annie
October 2002

I don't think I've ever felt so out of place. My mind is spinning with a million things. I don't want to get out of bed anymore, I'm surpirsed I'm writting.

Amy seems to be mad that we haven't hung out a lot. I'm not too happy about it either, but her and Kia are making such a big deal out of it. They're trash talking and making up lies, they won't talk to me at school, they don't call anymore. It's horrible. I feel like I've lost one of the only familiar things that I had. Amy never really openly spoke about her feelings anyway, so it's twice as hard now. John's trying to fix things, by talking to her. She came to me after, saying how annoying he was. That she'd just give in and drop it, if it made him shut up. I think there was a little more to it than that, but that's the way Amy and I are with each other. Kia kinda followed along, complaining about her hair as if nothing happen. Things still don't seem quite right. But if they work for now, I guess that's what counts.

School is horrible. I've skipped about 2 weeks in total and it's only the 2nd month. I can't cope with everything. The math is really hard, and I can't remember any of the science. Our english and soical studies teacher doesn't do anything. Gym class is boring because I still haven't gotten close to anyone. There is this one girl, Sue, but she's a drop out, used to do drugs, bad stuff, so she needs extra help. She hardly ever comes to class. But I clicked so fast with her. She's great.
People talk to me in class, but I spend most of my time watching and listening everyone. Writting lyrics of heavy rock songs or making my own in my agenda. Getting kicked out of french class because I couldn't care less. I haven't done my homework for a long time either, I don't understand it. I don't like school.

John's been trying to get me to find something good about school. Sue's there, but only once and a while. She skips sometimes as well. Amy, Kia and I hang out a lot at school, but it's not enough to keep me at school. The Math-Help classes are like going threw hell. John just doesn't understand. I don't understand how he can get threw school, no problem. He has people he can talk to in class. He's so smart. Never has to even think about skipping school. I wish I were him. Than I would have dreams that could come true. I'd be able to do well in school, I'd entertain people in class. Talk to everyone's friends and be admired. If only he knew everything he was; natural talent, nice smile, smart. How could someone have so much, and someone else have so little?

I've been so upset lately, I've started cutting myself. My shoulder, not wrist. I don't really want to die, just never wake up. I'm not wishing everything were black, and that people would stop smiling. I like listening to people in class, watching at what fools they can be, complaning about thier boyfriends, slaping girls asses, books and movies. But it's not enough. Coming home and talking to John all night, still, it doesn't seem like enough. The weekends are fun, and the weather is still warm enough to have my sleves rolled up, and I haven't told John about my shoulder. Maybe not caring wether people see them or not means I want him to see.

Friendship is supposed to be strong enough to help people threw these things. Maybe I'm missing something. The compliments John gives me don't seem to be sinking in. As much as he holds me and tells me how pretty and smart I am. I still feel big, I still can't do the school work, I still cut myself. Maybe my body will learn some day, than I can stop.

~Annie
Early December 2002

Things are starting to get better (3 months later). John's done a lot of talking, and even more listening. We've stayed up into late hours of the night, crying and talking. I won't let him see me cry though. He's never heard me cry either(we've been talking over the internet to avoid that problem). Talking to John hasn't really cleared everything, but I guess he's given me something more to hold onto. Come home and talk to him about everything that happen. He reasures me that everything is fine. We talk about good things, we laugh a lot too. Over the weekend I go over to his house and when his family leaves and we have the house to ourselves. He hold me. Listening to rock music, we lay on his couch and he sings to me, holding me tight. (Maybe he squeased all the rough times and thoughts out of me.) He tells me that my eyes are "so beautiful" all the time. When we sit in his room with each other, I'll look up and he'll smile and hold me closer. He tells me he loves me as well. Things will get better. John's here for me. I'm there for him.

I've stopped cutting myself. I can't seem to find my knife, so I stopped. I'm still not doing well in school (well at least math and science). But I've made friends; about 5 guy friends and I still talk to Sue sometimes. Another girl I really like and pretty much go to school for now, just so we can spend more time together and talk, her name's Lee. She was talking about how she was going to start martial arts, and I asked her if I could join with her. She said yes, and we've been friends ever sence. Every class we get closer and closer. She helps me with math in school and I make her laugh and beat up the boys that tease her.

I've been trying to get in shape, and play in band more. But things just won't work. I've told Lee and John about this, but it didn't really help. Lee thinks I look really good and that I could beat up anyone, even without going to martial arts. John always tells me I'm cute. But I don't really think so. I'd like to change...everything. Get stronger and smarter, like John. Be pretty and skinny like Lee. Funny like my other guy friends. Dress punk- but still look good- like Amy does. I don't understand why I can't accept myself, everyone else seems to be.

I'm on the school volleyball team aswell. I've been told by a lot of people I'm one of the best players. I have gotten a lot of cool plays and good shots. But I don't know. I guess I'm alright at volleyball. Amy's on the team aswell. We work so well together it's insane. No one else on the team has that much connection. We've lost points by other players just looking at each other wondering who's going to do what, but with Amy and I, it's as if we already know. My legs are getting stronger aswell. I can tell. We have a tournamint coming up. That's going to be amazing.
John comes to some of our games. Amy seems to like him. People keep telling me he's hot (I'm glad I'm not in my faze of everyone shut up and don't talk to me) but we just laugh it off.

I may not have a lot of confidance in myself, but I can still see that things are getting better. My legs are getting stronger, so hopfully everything will follow and I'll get thinner. I've started to eat 3 meals again. Instead of just one. I'm doing my homework and going for more help. John's been making sure I don't cut myself and that nothing upsets me. My other guy friends at school keep me happy and there's people here and there who need a hug or some words from me. That's a good feeling. I passed my first belt test. Lee and I are still close and we hang out more now. Amy seems to understand I still care about her, as well as John. John and I are only getting stronger and we've hung out with Amy aswell, all three of us. They were a little shy, but we still had fun. I'm glad things are coming together. I couldn't stand another day like before. I feel I have John to thank for that, it's a little sad that I couldn't help myself out of it, but I think I was at a point where I needed all these people. Thank you. John, Lee, Amy, all of you.

~Annie
December 2002

I'm still taking care of myself, and looking out for John while I'm at it. I noticed I can't make his problems go away, or give him the words to get threw them. I just tell him I'm here for him, to listen. Say what I can. Family problems that he has I've never been threw, I don't know how to slove them. But after he talks, and I listen, I'll tell him what I think and that he should just come over and we'll play computer games and forget about it. He always thanks me after. So I think I'm doing what I can. He just needs to tell me if I have to do anything more.

Volley ball is over but I did great. I feel good about how I played most of the time and I wish I could still be playing. I think it brought Amy and I closer. Kia seems to be too caught up in her hair and boys to notice anything else. So I talk to her when she comes to me, and in the halls at school. Other than that, I think we've grown apart.
Martial arts have brought Lee and I together more aswell. I got my first belt, and we're still going. The teacher seems to like us quite a bit too. My body still isn't the way I want it to be, but I'm not abusing it. I'm eating 3 meals a day. Trying to get a least 6 hours of sleep. I talk to John whenever I can. Play the piano, and go to the sports center.

There's only one thing that's wrong, and it's not making me happy. John left for 2 weeks. Chirstmas day was our last day together, we walked around and cuddled up downstairs trying to warm up while talking. I gave him a home made pillow and a comic book for a gift, he gave me a rock CD we both love and some little things. We had fun while we were together. But now that's he's gone... all I do is wish he were here, dream that he's next to me. I write in my journal while listening to the CD he gave me. I went to a few movies and a party with my other guy friends, but it wasn't the same. I mean, I had a good time. But I felt so lost. It was sick. I couldn't do house cleaning, I couldn't get to sleep, I hardly ate. One day he e-mailed me and I think that was the first time I smiled in a long time. Another reason why I wasn't happy that he left, was because he didn't want to go. Maybe if he's email didn't keep telling me he wished he were here holding me instead of with his family. Sight seeing and being bored to death.

I look back and think it's sick how I couldn't hold myself together. I made a promise with myself that when he got back I wasn't going to spend every moment with him. But that didn't happen. Maybe I'm supposed to need John this much. He helped me out of whatever mess I was in before, maybe I'm still healing and I still need his aid. Whatever the case, I couldn't have been happier when he called me at the airport. I only wish I could drive so I could have raced up there to pick him up, than hold him, in front of everyone. Than he'd know. I don't feel like I can tell him I love him anymore, but he doesn't seem to notice, so it's ok. But just because I don't love him, doesn't mean I don't care. I enjoyed every moment when he got back. I even changed the color of my hair (its a little short..but it'll grow). He was pretty happy to see me too.

It's good to have you back John. I missed you. Forget wether it's good or bad that we missed each other so much, friends need each other, that's how it's supposed to be. Too bad everyone who thinks you can replace one of us, John and I are too strong to fall. If we do fall, we're falling together.

~Annie