Cowboy Toothpicks

Gold plated toothpick

Ordinary toothpick

The Cowboy Toothpick comes from my cowboy days, I was working for Ranch at Loma Alta, Texas north of Del Rio.

Everybody had their own toothpick hanging on the wall. You were supposed to harvest and carve your own.

These small items have become a source of fun and controversy.

As I drive my 18 wheeler down the road I sometimes become bored and will attempt to sell My authentic,bonifide,certified,orginal Cowboy Toothpicks. Someplaces they are called Hillbilly Toothpicks,Poorboy Toothpicks,Red Neck Toothpicks,Coon ass toothpicks. They are actually coon-dick toothpicks. You see a Racoon, a boar racoon, he got a bone where no other male critter got a bone. We yank em out and whittle em down to make toothpicks. And no they are not vile, that was throwed at me the other day by one of our borned again guys. The part you are thinking of has been cooked off and throwed to the dogs (maybe,cause thats another story now). I harvest them and carve them so I can certify they are the authentic.They are not cheap plastic imitations. If I use road kill you can be assured it is the freshest possible,no stinkers.Now you would expect to pay 40 or 50 bucks or more, but no, I let them go for the ridclus low price of only 39.99 tax included. shipping and handling thats a little extra. Now then if you want them gold plated that costs a little more. But please rest assured I use the finest 24k imitaion gold plating you ever seen.

One thang ah caint understand is the fact that some folks object to paying 39.99 for my toothpicks yet, this same dit-dot( I was told I caint talk thata way), will pay 50 or 60 bucks for a walking stick made out of a bulls tally-wacker.

Once up north a dumb-butt yankee told me "I always knew you southern sons-a-bitches was stupid and this proves it.", "I said Wait a minute, I aint just a nother southern son-of-a-bitch, I happen to be a Texas son-of-a-bitch and who the hell you callin stupid, you know who buys these things, yankee tourists and yankee truck drivers. I'm puttin yualls money in my pocket an you call me stupid---- KISS MY TEXAS....."BOY.".

Leavin home one nite,big ole coon got hit just as I was fixin to turn onto the paved road. I jumped out,not wantin to see anything go to waste,and got that big ole thang.I put it in a plastic bag an dropped it in my cooler. Well I stopped at a little truckstop just north of Houston and as I walked in the young lady behind the fuel desk happened to notice my cap. I have two of my picks on it. She said "Why I aint seen any of them since I left home." I ast her if she knowd what they was, she said "hail yes, my daddy was a hunter." We got to talkin and I went out got my fresh one and ask if maybe they might have a coffee can I could barrie sos I could cook thisen down. She started laughin and said "I got just the person for that." She called another young lady over,took that ole bloody talliewacker out of the bag and asked if she would boil it for 3 or 4 minutes for us. The little gal took it and was holding it in her hand when she returned.She then asked what it was, when she was told she started slappin her hands and brushin them off sayin OH MAH GOD,OH MAH GOD OH MAH GOD. Of course the little gal behind the fuel desk was crackin up sumpthin awful. Just goes to show I aint the only person with a perverse sense of humor, girls got it too.

Nother time I stopped at the old truckstop on the north side of the hiway at Cuba, Alabama. Old heavy set woman( not allowed to say fat girl) come over and asked, "Do you know what you got on yor cap?" I said "Yes, they woodnt be there iffen ah didnt." Black lady cook asked her what it was and she told her. I then made the comment I run across more red-neck females know what these things are than men. I was told point blank, "I aint no redneck." I said "Oh, well where you from." She said "Wisconsin." I said "damn you must have been down here a long time. You speak good english why I can understand you." Needless to say my welcome wore out and I left.

Sitting one nite in a bull session in El Paso, one of the drivers from ark-kin-saw poked me in the ribs an nodded at one of our dumbass yankees. I took ole tooth pick an started pickin. The ole yank took one look jumped up and said "you are a sick, disgustin, son-of-a-bitch" and left. He has been trying for a year to get me barred from the truckstop. I think the waitresses are on my side, he aint done it yet.

I deliver a lot to a place in Decatur, Al. One day a ole black feller there, bout my age, helluva good guy, called me over and said "You know them things hangin on your cap?", "I said yeah what about em?", He looked at me and with out crackin a grin, he reached down started unzippin his fly and said "Let me show you a real one.", Needless to say, I cracked up, all I could say was "screw you, you old fart" I wasnt thinkin where I was. Sometimes people throw my shit back at me and catch me with my britches down and aint a cotton-pickin thang I kin do.nuf said.

SUN. DEC 23, 2001

I had just left home rollin east and had crossed the Texas-Luzeeanna line when I heard this voice on the c.b. "Anybody got anythang they wanna sell?"

Fellar came back with some of this off the wall crap about a 75 foot step ladder with hydrolic lifts. Soon as he shut up I said "Yessir I do ahma sellin coon-dick toothpicks." That's all I said.

Oh lordy the air waves burnt up with language you would not believe, I mean I got called everthang but a white man so help me god.

He finally shut up and I came back real calm and replied "What in the hell is wrong with you? You ast if anybody had anythang to sell and I come back with a legitimate product,I said I got conn dick toothpicks, I harvest em and carve em, now I go out and get these thangs and.....oh my goodness sir I am sorry, I do apoligize, I plumb fergot where I was at, I am truley sorry please forgive me sir there was NO slur intended, I'm sure yore folks is awright, I SHOULD have said I got RACOOOON dick toothpicks. Sir I'm really sorry there was any misunderstandin. Honest to goodness there werent no slur ever intended.

The radio got plumb quiet, no noise anywhere. Pretty soon this voice comes back real soft and meek like and says "Ah thank ah ast fer that, didnt I?"

I answered back and said "Yessir you did, I said one thang and you wasnt listenin proper and took what you thought was said and made a ass outa yore self." I left it at that and went on down the road.

There is a lesson here....People only hear what they want to hear or put their own meanin to what was said, irregardlis of what was said.