(WARNING: This is my personal site. Even though I’ll be
trying to make it look as nice as possible, it doesn’t
mean its entertaining. It’s my own
self-healing site. You’re welcome to look around, but it probably will hold
little interest for you. If you do find it useful, I’m happy. But I make no guarantees that you will find a
purpose for yourself from my Oasis)
. . .
Well, the beginning was like no other. The beginning of what, I wasn’t quite
sure. But it was definitely the
start of something. Everyone has their
sad story, but I didn’t think mine was worth whining
about. Maybe there is a lot of people
who don’t. But
I, I just thought I was some pathetic looser, who couldn’t
take care of her own.
The
problem is, that the longer I kept that problem
unrecognized, the more it seemed to haunt me from the inside out, until
suddenly, it turned into this screaming, enraged banshee. It ripped apart my insides until all that was
left of me was an empty shell sounding out an echo of hollow fears.
What
soul is this that died? One unborn soul indeed.
The
most basic fear our individual has learned to forget, submerged to my conscious
self. That day, I lost my feeling of
immortality.
The
fall from innocence was worse then I could ever have imagined. For some, I suppose the fall is more of a
trip. For others, I guess that the fall
is hard but they manage to climb back up.
For me, the fall was never ending.
As I
stood in the darkness - upon a ledge I couldn’t see,
without a rope I couldn’t grasp - I became unspun. All the
truths that I had believed - all that I had come to see myself as - and all
that I placed my value on disappeared. I
didn’t know anything.
Red, green or blue, they were all the same. Just blends of a different shade of black.
They
were worried they’d have to send me away. They were angry that I was so
unreachable. They thought I was suicidal.
Tell me
this, why would somebody who was so uncontrollably afraid of death (and afraid
that it was imminent) want to take their own life?
Two
years later, and I still fight against my phobias every night. I still am constantly trying to climb my way
out of my depression.
This is
the next step. From the ashes, a phoenix
shall rise.
This is
my oasis. This is what will get me to
where I need to be. I need to recreate
myself – mind, body and soul. Here, is
where I’ll do it.
Well, here is where I’ll record how I did
it.
And I’m going to do it. ‘CAUSE THIS TIME,
ITS PERSONAL!
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