Spiritual Seeds

   There was a long time in my life, when my joy seemed complete. It was radiant, and running over. I was like a sunflower in full bloom. This was during my many years of motherhood, while most of my children were still at home.

   I'm beginning to realize now, long afterward, that during that time of my life, when I was mothering my young ones, the children God had given me were my glorious joy and reward. Each petal of me was warm in all its radiant color, and the flower of me was lifting its head high to the sun.

   I had adopted most of my children as a single mother. I loved my children; my children loved me; I spent my life teaching them of God's love, and showing them how to become the children of God. Our world was small, simple, busy and wonderful. Many years of joy had been mine. Most of my children were becoming adults.

   Then there came a terrible and profound pivot in my life. I lost my precious, loving, six year old twin daughters. After that, something within me faded, withered, died, and went to seed. For four years, it seemed that life had come to a complete standstill. I don't think I learned anything during that time, except for the depth of my own helplessness. I simply was lost in the deepest sorrow I had ever known.

   It has been over twelve years now. God has further permitted me to suffer a number of new trials and heartbreaks during this time, one after the other.

   I know absolutely that God loves me with a holy love, and has perfect wisdom. I know He has a reason for everything He allows. So at last I began to wonder wherever I had gotten the idea that I would, or even should be so happy, for the rest of my life?

   After all, if not for death, and the going to seed of plants, nothing new would grow. If not for my going to seed, my life would not be becoming fruitful in the new ways that it is. Despair is not the end, after all.

   What I have learned to hope for, and to expect, is for the seeds which are yet part of me, to continue to be planted, sprout, grow, and through God's grace, produce new fruit. I believe that God still has a purpose for me in this world. A calling in addition to motherhood; a new mission, so I can serve Him in a new way. He has shown me where to begin, in writing down and sharing the things He has taught me, and continues to teach me.

   The abundant joy given me by Christ when my children were all still at home, was like the sun to a plant. I drank it in with gratitude. Now, even though my petals are gone, that joy is forever contained in each of my seeds. Each seed, as it falls into fertile soil, becomes nourished, and begins to grow, gives out that sun, and that joy. What I want most now, is to become a vessel through which Jesus can bless more of His children, beyond my own family. Through my writing, my life and witness for Christ touches the lives of many strangers, whom I never would have been in any kind of contact with, otherwise. I receive many letters from people whom God has blessed through something I wrote. Each letter is an enormous blessing to me. Through these letters, God is letting me know that my seeds are sprouting, and turning into something He can use for His glory.

   For the first time in my life, I have become actually grateful for the anguish I endured. The reason for this is that pain is the point at which I finally comprehended the deepest purpose of my life here on earth. Without pain, I never would have come this close to Christ; and my true purpose is to grow ever closer to God, on my journey to Heaven. I thought I was experiencing closeness before, while I was growing up, maturing, and teaching my children about God. But it was nothing compared with the closeness I feel today. Without suffering, I never would have felt a nearness to the pain Jesus suffered for His love of all God's children.

    * Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, ... rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy. I Peter 4:12a,13